Friday, July 31, 2009

Day 74 and 75 mooshed together

Day 74
A pensive day it is, for some reason. Was at the grocery store and had this thought 'hmm which candybar do I want' because I used to ALWAYS get a candybar after I gave up on my weight. But I don't do stuff like that anymore. I didn't see it as a temptation to be 'bad'. I saw it as an old habit I used to have. I just said no to myself and went on. Is that weird or what? Because I could have had the candybar. I have 900 calories left for the day. Please don't think I'm psycho but I enjoy telling myself no. It's odd that I actually have the power to say no. I never thought I would be the kind of person who could be in charge of herself like this.
And last night, at the dinner table, I did not gorge myself like a pig like I was scared I would. I ate half a roll and a small bit of the casserole and I could NOT BELIEVE IT I was full. I know, shocking right? Me. Being full from scraps, pittances, mere breaths. So I'm being bold. Yes, I'm going to make a dessert for tonight. We're having hamburgers and fries and man do I love that stuff. Not sure yet what I'll make for the sweet part but I have some ideas. I feel like I'm experimenting with things. How far can I go with this? Will I be in control for everything now? Or have I just not had a big enough temptation to pigout?
It really really really makes a difference knowing how many calories are in the foods I eat. If McDonald's had the calorie information right by their prices they would go out of business. Sometimes I have 500-600 calories for dinner. I would rather spend my calories that way than on a candybar that won't taste as good as I think it will or as I remember it does.
My days are blending seamlessly into each other. I'm used to the way I eat now. Nothing new. Everyday I portion my food, count my calories, walk. Everyday I choose exactly what goes into my mouth. Everday I stay up to date on a bunch of blogs, looking for encouragement, motivation, a smile from lamo jokes by Jack. Sometimes I leave comments, sometimes I don't.
I like how losing weight is not super complicated or hard. I still just cannot believe that I am doing this. I never ever ever thought I would ever lose weight, ever. I thought I would be fat forever, getting fatter everyday. I would have horrific thoughts about being in a wreck and the ambulance guys wouldn't be able to pick me up to put me on the gurney. Or a stay in a hospital with all the embarrassment that would entail because of my size. Or what size coffin I would end up having. Why was I willing to live with that? Well I know why. Because I was deceiving myself in many different ways.
  • I really don't look that bad
  • People should like me because of who I AM not what I look like. So when people don't like me shame on them.
  • I really don't eat that much. I can't understand why I am getting fatter
  • I ate a salad. I'm a good girl for doing that because I really didn't want to eat it.
  • I left some food on my plate. Look everyone, I'm not a total pig!
  • Lots of men would KILL for their wife to have bigger breasts. My husband should be GRATEFUL.
  • In some countries, the bigger the woman, the more desirable she is.
----------end of day 74----------------------------------------
Day 75
Well. I did fine last night with my eating but I don't think I'll be making desserts very often in the future, maybe just for special occasions. The pan is still almost full which is a new one for this house! Everyone is so much more aware of calories now.
Last night when I met up with my friend we had an interesting conversation:
Marshmallow (me): How's it going?
Marshmallow: Whatever for?
BFF: I wrote down everything I ate today and counted the calories. No wonder I'm fat!
Marshmallow: What do you mean? (of course, realising what she meant but I wanted to hear it from her)
BFF: I spent 700 calories on cookies and milk alone, 500 for ice cream, and that's not even counting my meals and all the coke I drank. Several thousand calories for one day!
Marshmallow: (I am nodding my head, letting her shock settle in, and not saying I told you so because really thats not going to help anything! She needs her own click)
So neato that her eyes are being opened. When I shared with her that it was Day 74 for both of us on our walking she said 'And I haven't lost a pound.' I didn't say anything. What can you say? She's right! Her eating has not changed one bit and she is surprised, yes surprised that she hasn't lost weight. I have told her before, you can lose weight by eating less and not exercising, but you can't lose weight by just exercise it doesn't work that way. Farout that she's beginning to see the light.
And there you have it folks. Kudos to you for reading this far.

Thursday, July 30, 2009

Day 73--In the kitchen AGAIN--

Day 73. I like how that sounds. Day seventy-three. I like the way that rolls off the tongue.
Did my full walk with my friend last night. And you know, it was easier. For the longest time I would ask 'when is it going to get easier?!' and it never was. Well now it is. Weird. I used to come home and just collapse on the bed for about 20 minutes. Now I collapse for about 5 seconds then I'm good to go.
So she said she had SO MUCH to tell me. She went to a big doodah with a bunch of ladies from her church, it was a new diet they were all panting to try. It's called the Michael Thurmond diet, or the six week body something. They had to take this test to find out if they were body type A, B, C, D, or E. (the letters are also divided into male and female--this is an all inclusive diet). They HAVE to eat every 2 hours, and drink absolutely ZERO milk. That's right. And there are certain combinations of food they have to eat and in specific portioned amounts. Hmmm. Oh, and ABSOLUTELY NO EXERCISE. It is not needed.
I asked her if she was going to do it. She said no, it sounded ridiculous, but all the other ladies were just lapping it up. See, this is the SECRET METHOD for losing weight that they have been looking for their ENTIRE LIFE. It has to be. It is super complicated and detailed and nit picky so this just has to be the way.
I said, 'BFF, you know I am doing none of those things. I eat exactly what I please in portioned amounts, walk daily, and I've lost 27 pounds. Without all that silly stuff. Without the 'good' and 'bad' foods.'
And SHE said, 'Well, I'd really like to look at your cholesterol count.'
WTH. (what the heck)
What does THAT mean?
It means that even though I'm successful and HAPPY, I'm still not doing it the right way. Aren't I supposed to be eating disgustingly healthy foods? Where's the suffering? Dang this just irritated me to high heaven. Why why why can't people just leave me alone and let me lose weight without all the criticism.
So I just cleverly directed the conversation to other lines of topic and let it go. I mean seriously. I could care less what my cholesterol count is. I am eating less than I ever have in my life, I'm more active than I've ever been in my life. If it IS high, it's bound to go down now right? And who really cares? My mother (I miss you Mom) was always trying to lose 15 pounds as long as I can remember and ate absolutely zero fat, and I mean ZERO fat. Always watched her calories whatever and her cholesterol was THROUGH THE ROOF. Yes, shocking I know. And my Dad and I who ate everything under the sun had extremely LOW cholesterol. She just really felt that was unfair. I think her dying of pancreatic cancer is unfair but nobody asked me my opinion!
Pretty much the entire walk was taken up with talk about losing weight, and I just tried to be supportive because she is just not there yet. There has been no click. And if you don't know what I'm talking about, it's the click that happens when you 'get it', and everything finally falls into place and there is no turning back. So I just listened and was careful to not tell her what she was supposed to do because by gum if she doesn't know by NOW with all the nattering on I do then she has to be a moron.
I have spent more time in the kitchen in the last two days than I have in a long time. I think I've been a bit afraid of the kitchen. I'm this smashingly good cook, see? You have to be with a husband and 8 hungry kids to feed. And I've been scared that I would just go NUTS, literally NUTS and devour madly the food I am making. So we'll see what tonight holds. I made chicken spaghetti


I am having a devil of a time figuring out how to do these pictures right. I can never get the text for the pic exactly where I want it to go.
Oh, btw, none of this food is low calorie. Just a heads up. Also veggies and a salad to round out the meal and yum does it all look and smell good.
Cross your fingers that I eat the small portioned amount I plan to eat and am completely and totally satisfied and don't make a pig of myself.
Oh, and the pioneer woman whose site I got these recipes from? She's someone I wish I knew in real life. And how does she stay so stinking thin making food like this! Because she says she eats this stuff. Maybe she only has a couple bites or something. Well, no use being jealous eh?
Other than that my kids are driving my bonkers, the kitten keeps throwing up (but will not take the medicine the doc gave us I wish she had just given us liquid I mean seriously why would you wrap little bits of pills in 'kitten treats' because after she ate one NO WAY is she going to eat another no matter how I try to disguise it cats are so picky), my laundry has reached monumental proportions and I hate loathe and detest sorting socks. With so many people in this house you would not BELIEVE the many different kinds there are. I wish socks came attached to clothes I really do. And where has this week gone! And even more so, where has this YEAR GONE because it's already the end of July.

I'll leave you with one of my favorites. I wanted to have it be at the END of my post but well I'm unable to figure out how to get it there so here it is. I'm off to pop stuff in the oven like a good little housewife. You all be good. Toodleooski!

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Day 72--wherein I return to the kitchen, pushbacks and insecurities

I discovered diet Sunkist sparkling lemonade today. It is really good! 10 cal per can. I made quesadillas tonight and yum they are so delicious. Mine came in at a little under 400 calories and I only ate half. The other half I will demolish when I get back from my walk.
I also have been suzy homemaker today. I made chicken spaghetti for tomorrow's dinner and believe you me it is NOT low calorie or low fat. Here is the recipe:
I'm pretty sure I'll end up having about 2 teaspoons. That thing is loaded with cheese! I do so love to cook but have stayed away from it because I am afraid I will just blow it all on some yummy creation I made. I think my hubby will be glad tomorrow night.
Tried to exchange my shoes for a different size but wait! I wore them outside! you can't exchange them if they have been worn outside! I really wish someone had told me that when I bought them. I could have saved myself the trip and the mortal embarrassment that occurred when I was told this in front of a jillion people in line.
Everyday I eagerly look for something different in myself. The way a shirt fits, or my silhouette in a window, or my neck looking a bit thinner. It's an adventure! Something is different everyday!
I've started doing pushups. Now don't freak, they're wall pushups! I have never been able to do a real one in my whole life. So I'm starting with these. Then I will move up to countertop pushups. I have no idea what comes after that. I don't think they should be called pushups when done this way. Pushouts? Pushbacks?
So I haven't walked with my friend for a few days and today she called and specifically asked me to wait for her, she won't be home til 8:30. I thought good for her! And I will.
My Dad is telling absolutely everyone about me and my weight loss attempt and I am so embarrassed. Why can't I tell people how much I weight right now? Why can't I tell people how much I weighed when I started? I am overjoyed to relate that I have lost 27 pounds but I am mortified, yes, mortified that I got this big. Maybe the farther away I get from 356 the less scary it will be. And why do they want to know anyways? Once you slap a number on someone everything changes. I am as big as 2 good size or 3 small size people stuck together. I don't mind telling them how I'm doing this, but those little details no way. Am I weird? I haven't even told my family my blog name except for my sister because I don't want them to read all this!
Can you believe that July is just about over? This year has just zipped by.
Sure have enjoyed having the air off and the windows open. Not only does it save on our electric bill, it just smells good with all the summer smells blowing in. Hopefully replacing the incredibly bad odor of DOG that pervades throughout my home. I am so not a dog person, but everyone else in the house is. Dogs stink! Give me a cat anyday!
My husband was overjoyed the other night to discover that Frank Black, his own personal idol, was actually performing up north. It was a sold out show but did that stop him? Nuh uh. He came home showered ate and like a bolt of lightning was out the door. And incredibly he got in the show! I am so happy for him. Frank Black had a group called the Pixies which I had never heard of until my husband introduced me. I didn't go, I didn't want to go, he didn't ask me to go. Why do I think that if I were thin and cute he would want to take me everywhere? Why do I think that he doesn't want me to go anywhere with him because I'm fat? Because that is what I do think.
Okay so that is about it for my MARVELOUS life.

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Day 71--Knock me over with a feather!

Day 71 wow. In one month I will hit 100 days. I just cannot believe that this is me, this is happening, this is working. Somebody pinch me!
Okay so the most horrible thing in the world has happened. We took Elora Dannan (our new kitten) to the vet and discovered to our horror that she is a boy! Yes, I am cowering in shame for not being able to tell. So now we don't know if we want to keep the name since he'll be neutered anyways or try to come up with a fabulous name to go with Ninja Cobra, my other cat. It's a toughie.
My wonderful new shoes are too tight and I'm exchanging them for a bigger size. I thought they were fine but after walking in them for a couple of days realised that no, something was not right. Heading up there tomorrow. It's storming to beat the band here, and it looks like it's going to be for the rest of the evening. I don't want to wear the shoes anymore since I'm exchanging them so we'll see what tonight brings.
I am making chili for dinner. It just seemed perfect for today, all gloomy and dark and cold. It smells lusciously wonderful. I'm figuring it to be 1 cup = 275 calories. I hope that's right. I'm going by a standard calorie counter thing. Then cheese (American is what I love in chili) 70 calories and 1 oz fritos is 160. That's 505 but I guarantee I won't eat all the fritos. I just can't eat chili without them.
School starts in 3 weeks (and there was much rejoicing in the land) and I cannot wait. I am so tired of the kids being bored and/or fighting over the nintendo/tv/computer. Or just plain lying around feeling sorry for themselves.
I've been helping my son finish up his stuff for college. Yes, he's 20. Yes, he put it off til the last minute. Yes, I should have been more in his face about doing all this stuff earlier in the year. At least it's all done. Transcripts faxed, app in, fafsa done and sent. I love how you can do everything online now. I really hope everything comes together because the first day of classes is: (are you ready for this?) August 18. Yes, a mere 3 weeks away folks.
When/if he goes, the big room switcheroos will occur with all the kids vying for a room of their own upstairs. Gee, I wish I could have my own room!
So there we have it. Another day in the exceedingly mundane life I lead. Hard to believe people actually read this stuff. And enjoy it!
My youngest is going through the joke stage so I have to leave you with a few that I really like:
  • Why don't tigers eat clowns?
  • They taste funny. (I don't know why but this one always tickles me)

  • Why did they bury the fireman OVER the hill?
  • Because he was dead.
Be good my fellow bloggers/losingweightpeople. Make wise choices!

Saturday, July 25, 2009

Day 68--Wherein I am noticed, I notice me, and Nikes

Took my daughter with me on my trip to the north to splurge on my first reward: a new pair of walking shoes. Actually went to All Sport and got a pair of Nike Airs! Here is a pic.
And got them 1/2 size smaller than normal. Which I guess makes sense. If I'm losing weight, it has to come from my feet too. I actually saw the veins in my feet last night and freaked out! I thought something was wrong, like the blood wasn't circulating in my legs or something but my kids pointed out that you can see the veins in THEIR feet too. Oh. Wait, that means my feet aren't big and puffy anymore!
Already I notice a difference in my left foot. It doesn't hurt at all except for a little twinge now and then. Is that weird or what?!
So the trip to get my new shoes was an out and out success.
As we were walking out I noticed my reflection in the doors ahead. It didn't even look like me! I am not as wide as I used to be. I could not believe it. I still cannot believe it.
Then at Walmart, a friend of my daughter's saw us and came up to talk and said 'You look thinner.' Okay I about died right then and there. I wondered when my first moment would come, that moment when someone I don't live with notices I've lost weight. Well I didn't think it would happen today! I was so excited when she said that and I told her how much weight I'd lost and about my blog. (And I couldn't wait to get home to write this in my blog!!!)
So all in all this has been a very great day which totally makes up for my cruddy days this week. As I was driving home I just felt so happy and content. I have been embarrassed about myself for so long. I have hated myself and my clothes and my life for forever, and now, now things are different, I am different. Every day is a new adventure. I am constantly on the lookout for another positive change in my body.
And as a fellow blogger put it, I will never grow tired of hearing people tell me I look good. I still am not ready, though, to tell all and sundry how much I weigh. The only ones who DO know are my readers. So far I have a few followers and maybe some lurkers but I don't think they're people I know out here IRL. Yes, I'm embarrassed still about how much I weigh. Yes, I'm thrilled to be in the 320's but it's still so much! I've lost 27 pounds yet I'm still as big as 2 people stuck together! It'll come. I think the farther away I get from 356 it won't be as big a deal.
I had a super late breakfast of cereal and juice (375 cal) then a dinner of a hoagie and cheese puffs. I know, what kind of planet am I from to think I can eat stuff like this and lose weight! But the puffs were weighed and I ate only half of them, the sandwich ingredients were weighed and numbers totted up. The kaiser bun was 200 calories alone! I thought about not eating the top but then I thought no way, I have the calories for this, I'm eating it! So my sandwich was 400 calories. Yum. Still have around 500 calories left. And you know how I like late night snacking!
My friend wants to walk with me tonight but she is acting super weird. When I called to see if she was planning on it she just sounded so different. I am going to take the bull by the horns and talk to her about it tonight. It's true, oddly, that losing weight is changing my relationships.
Wish me luck!

Friday, July 24, 2009

Day 67--weigh day

Today I'm feeling a bit better. Walked with my daughter to the clinic and weighed. I've lost 5 more pounds for a total of 27 pounds lost! I knew I had, stuff just keeps getting looser on me. And my blood pressure was 148/70.
Why that top number has to stay high I will never know. I talked to my doctor about my foot and how I've been feeling. So she wants me to take ibuprofen for my foot and get better walking shoes and I go back in 5 days if it's not better. She thinks that I've been feeling so down because of the foot pain and inability to walk--which is true, I'm so irritated with this whole situation. So we'll evaluate THAT in 5 days too.
Walked with my daughter tonight. I'm not sure if my friend wants to keep walking with me which is sadness. I told her I lost 5 more pounds and she's acting really weird to me. Sigh. So yeah I limped the whole 2.5 miles again but I'm none the worse for wear. It's so weird to hurt like this and it's not even swollen. OH I forgot I actually have veins in my feet that can be seen. I haven't seen those in years!
Thank you for all your encouraging words to me friends. I really appreciate them.

Thursday, July 23, 2009

Day 66--where Zaa has a few bad days

The last two days have been horrible. For some reason all those same depressing feelings have come back. All I'm doing is lying in bed, or on the computer or asking the kids to leave me alone. I just want to be alone and have nobody bug me. My sister suggested that either my dosage needs to be upped or this medication is not for me. I do NOT want to get on one that might hurt my weight loss. Tomorrow I weigh, get my blood pressure checked, I'm talking to my doctor about my stupid foot and my medicine.
My foot is contributing to this whole situation. I hurt it Friday night while walking. Yes, just walking, it started hurting and man does it hurt. On the top, up into the front of the ankle and around the outside. I have not walked 3 times this week because it hurts. I walked the other 3 times and though it hurt it wasn't that bad, and I limped to ease the pain. I'm sure I was quite the sight but I am determined to lose weight and I enjoy walking. I can't believe I like it so much. I have never been an outdoorsy person, even as a kid. I liked reading and playing the piano and hated going outside. I am still that way. I mean seriously, what am I going to do outside? I can't sit on any of the lawnchairs. I can't run and play frisbee with my kids. I can't swing on the swingset. So walking is getting me into the great outdoors and now I can't wait to be able to ride a bicycle.
My eating has been fine surprisingly. That's another thing. The last two days I was filled with the urge to eat and eat and not care about how many calories the stuff has. And I can't. I can't deceive myself anymore about that. But the desire is still there and I swear I do not know where it is coming from!
So pretty much, yeah, things have been hard. And then guess what I did? Yes, I come online and read Sean's post. He didn't know he was writing it for me. But he was.

The thought of losing 200 pounds was a million miles away when I started, or so I thought, turns out it was only about 500 miles and eleven months away. I can't wait to be able to say “I weigh two something.” From “five something” to “two something,” What a fantastic journey.

Such a reminder that this is what I want too. More than eating mindlessly.

I had a few “wow” reactions too. One of them was a “completely unrecognizable” reaction. Same thing: “I wouldn't have known it was you if you hadn't been talking.” I never get tired of those.

THIS ^. This is what I want. His whole post today was so upbeat and positive and full of determination. They were the words that I needed to read.
And I knew when I started this journey that there were going to be hard days but I hadn't had one until now. It wasn't a 'i want to eat' bad day but a 'life stinks so i wanna eat' couple of days.
And it didn't help that I had a silly bad dream last night about my husband getting shot and I woke up at 2:30 AM all freaked out--you know how it is, its all silly in the light of day but right when you wake up in the dark it's a little unnerving.
So yay tomorrow is all fresh and new. Weird how feelings can run your life.
My daughter got her hair cut tonight. Of course cute as anything. And I was sitting there watching and looking at myself in the mirror. Yes, I see many changes in myself. My face is thinner. My stomach is smaller. My 'womanly charms' are smaller and setting up higher. But to other people? I still look like a really big person. I can't wait til I can get a haircut and actually look good. It's awful when your hair is all fixed so pretty and beneath it all is this huge puffy face. I have hated getting my hair cut for so long. But soon. Soon it will be fun.
I've been trying to see if I know portion sizes yet without measuring. I'll pour my juice in a glass and then measure that to see if it's a cup. So far every time yes!
This is a hard post for me to write. I almost feel like starting it over and not talk about all this bad stuff. But so many bloggers have been honest about their lives and struggles so it's almost like cheating if I don't share the truth about me. I mean good gravy! One girl posted pictures of herself in her underwear! If she can do that, then I can write about my not good days. And writing all this down is helping so much oddly. K I'm going to post this before I chicken out.
Sean's blog:
Hugs to you all.

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Day 65--the more things change, the more they stay the same

Absolutely nothing is going on that is exciting in my life, so if you read this whole post congratulations!
This week consisted of:
  • taking my daughter back and forth to vbs
  • limping, but still walking nightly 2.5 miles
  • went to the grocery store
  • cleaned all the windows, screens, and window sills with my husband when he was home yesterday
  • not slept a whole bunch
  • watched some Seinfeld reruns
  • got gas for my car
  • mailed a package to my son in New Mexico of all the stuff he left behind from his visit last month, also picked up the mail (we live in a small town right behind the post office and don't have a mailbox, we pick our mail up at the post office. So Mayberry like! and if you don't know what Mayberry is I feel sorry for you)
  • eating the same old 1500 calories everyday, sometimes less.
What is different now from a couple of months ago:
  • I am not baking cookies, cakes, and brownies pretty much everyday
  • I don't have an open bag of chips at the computer
  • I don't have a 'secret' bag of candy in the drawer of my computer
  • I don't have a 'secret' stash of candy in my bedside table drawer
  • I don't have a 'secret' stash of anything hidden in my kitchen
  • I am not making up excuses to leave the house, head up north, and eat at McDonald's. Alone, with a book. Because I need time alone.
  • I'm not hating myself, my life, and everything else.
Well I guess I needed to type all this out, because even though my days are humdrum right now, they're not focused on food. I am LOSING WEIGHT for the first time in ever and I'm thrilled to be doing so. And next month will be so different. School is starting on August 20th *dances around the room in a joyful haze* and my days will be so full of school shopping for supplies and shoes and clothes and backpacks.
I think I'm going to enjoy these slow lazy days.
*********WEIGH DAY FRIDAY***************

Monday, July 20, 2009

The Adventures of Elora Dannan

Late Sunday night we kept hearing the kitten cry but couldn't find her. We thought she was in the garage, no. Maybe under the house? No. She had fallen/climbed through the cold air return upstairs and traveled in the ceiling until she got stuck. I seriously did not know what we were going to do! Then my husband cut through the ceiling and got her out.
I swear it is always an adventure at my house!

Here is my husband cutting into the ceiling.

I could NOT believe it, there she is!

Pulling her out, poor thing!

And victory is ours! She looks kind of freaky but
in reality she's very sweet and lovable.

Sunday, July 19, 2009

Day 62--My Two Month Anniversary Huzzah!

This is a momentous occasion. I never thought I'd still be doing this in July! I'm so surprised by this whole thing. I'm changing, on the outside, and on the inside, and I don't know what I will be when it's all done. Somewhere along the way I lost myself. I dislike the thought that my whole life centers around my weight. It determines everything for me: where I go, even where I sit, how I feel about myself.
Exactly 2 months ago, on a Tuesday morning, I made the decision to lose weight. I had no idea how I would do it, but I was determined. I hoped God would lead me to which 'diet' I was supposed to go on. And funny thing, I never went on a diet! No, I fell into all those changeyourlifestylehippypeople online and even some who eat weird things that I would never eat and LIKE it. So here I am, 22 pounds lighter, and as happy as a clam.
Who would have thought losing weight could be fun? I like walking now. I surprisingly look forward to it. I like looking at myself in the mirror. My clothes are fitting better, my face is thinning, and after only 22 pounds gone! I get to thinking what it will be like at 32, 42, 52 pounds gone. I love and hate feeling so confident and sure. I'm always ready for the FAIL of the diet, where I do one thing wrong then pitch it out the window. It just hasn't happened yet. Why do I feel it won't?
I am rereading The Amazing Adventures of Dietgirl! If you have not read it run out immediately and get it! She started out at 350, just like me! Maybe someday I'll turn MY blog into a book. Now that would be the heighth of weirdness.
So what do I have planned for my two month celebration? Not much. My hubby and I rehung all the wall stuff in my room, and it looks smashing. The air conditioning is off and I'm enjoying the cooler weather. A special day in the past for me always focused on what to eat. Funny how that did not even enter my mind til just now when I wrote that. I'm not using food to reward myself anymore! Well now that's a breakthru!
I must confess something. I hate doing the laundry. I have for a very long time. It has built up to astronomical proportions. There is just too much STUFF and I hate it. So I figured if I can control what goes into my mouth and like it, I can do the same for my laundry. I'm actually writing down a goal here--I think I need a drumroll! I'm going to take care of it all this week. I'm sick of looking at it. There.
Make wise choices AND
Never give up, never surrender!


Saturday, July 18, 2009

Day 61--Wherein I ponder and muse in quite a boring fashion

Let me start off by saying I'm freaking out that people are actually reading my blog. Even old posts! How my ramblings can be interesting I have no idea. I even have a few followers. Weird! Thanks for all the kind and encouraging comments. They mean a lot to me.
Such a beautiful day today! It's only 83 degrees out there. It will be beautiful for walking tonight. If I go. Yes, yesterday evening whilst I was tripping lightly down the road with my friend my left foot started hurting on the top and around the ankle. Why? I have absolutely no idea. I did not trip, or fall, or sleep on it funny--odd picture there--or anything else. It still hurts today and I am limping. I'm going to at least try to walk.
Last night as I lay in my bed unable to sleep my thoughts drifted back in time to the few successful attempts I made at losing weight.
Attempt #1: Metabolife. Yes, I took those pills faithfully, walked, watched what I ate and lost 40 pounds. I then got pregnant and had to stop taking the pills and gained it all back plus more.
Attempt #2: Weigh Down. This was going to be it, the miracle that I was praying for! God didn't want me to be fat! All I had to do was wait for my tummy to growl then I could eat anything I wanted until satisfied. Sounds nifty doesn't it? Only problem was my tummy growled once a day. Usually late in the afternoon. By then I was famished and ate and ate and ate. I actually lost 50 pounds using this starvation method. Sadly, though, I started becoming extremely paranoid about eating when I wasn't supposed to. If I did do that, I sinned. Yep. If I ate when God didn't TELL me to eat by causing my tummy to growl I was sinning. Talk about twisting me all up. I followed this for 2 months and then. Yes, I took one bite of a casserole I was making for my daughter's birthday and my tummy wasn't growling. And that was it. It was over. I gained all my weight back and more.
I am not counting all the sad pathetic decisions to eat no fat, or to eat 'healthy'. Those never even lasted one day.
So what makes this time different? Why am I not struggling with temptation? Where is the agony, the frustration, the fear of failure? Because I tell you this, I have none of it. So here are my thoughts:
How I'm Shrinking: I am not on a diet. this time I have no forbidden foods and pretty much eat whatever I want. I have a set amount of calories and I stick to it. I have learned how to portion my foods. Small amounts of yummy things are just as satisfying as huge amounts. Walking is important but is not THE most important thing. If I am unable to walk it's not the end of the world. I will say this--I don't plan anything for the evening so it's free for walking.
A lot of bloggers talk about the 'click', the moment in time when everything came together and a decision was made to lose weight for good. My click? Not a picture, or embarrassing moment, or Ihateme thought. I was praying for the nth time about my weight. 'Please God if there be any mercy in the heavens PUHLEASE change my heart, help me to lose weight, I hate this!' I don't know how else to describe this, don't think I'm weird because I'm truly not, it was like He said to me 'Let's do this, today.' No no vision or heavenly music or anything just this feeling in my heart. And I said 'okay'. Just like that. I said okay. I had absolutely no idea how I was going to do it, some vague thoughts that maybe I could just watch my portions or something, but I was going to do it. It has been 10 years since my weigh down fiasco. In that time I have not looked at any nutritional labels ON PURPOSE, or exercised, or ate salads unless I had to, and never one time complimented my sister on her weight loss (sorry Kat!). I firmly believe that I was meant to find Sean's blog so early. I decided to pattern myself after him--1500 calories and exercise daily. Also, through reading from Day 1, his good attitude really struck me. It didn't matter how much weight he lost at his weigh ins! He still kept right on eating the same and exercising. It was an eye opening thought for me, and it hit me that he was doing it for life, and I WILL HAVE TO DO IT FOR LIFE TOO. Okay that freaked me a tiny bit, but then made total sense.
So when people ask me what diet I am using I joyfully tell them 'I'm not dieting, I am changing my lifestyle!' A few people in the tiny town I live in have noticed me walking daily and when we talked about it I told them I lost 22 pounds in 6 weeks. They want to know my secret. My secret! Boy are they not happy when I tell them I count calories and exercise. That's not fun or hip or cool or the in thing. It's just plain old fashioned work. BUT I LOVE IT! I have such freedom now. Freedom to eat, freedom to NOT eat, freedom from the discouragement that has followed me around for years.
So I really don't know if I have explained very well why this time is different. It just is.
For dinner tonight I am having chicken fried steak (300 cal), gravy (60 cal), mashed potatoes, corn--I can't remember how much those are, but my plate ends up being around 500 calories. What a yummy dinner! It's my favorite and I haven't had it for months, well, since I started counting my calories. But it's cooking now and mmmm does it smell good.
And I am falling in love with little Elora Dannan our new kitty. Ninja Cobra is still weirded out by her but he'll get used to her and then they'll be best friends. I hope!
Make wise choices!

Friday, July 17, 2009

Day 60

Wow I think trumpets should be sounding across the land! Zaababy stuck to something for 60 days STRAIGHT. Absolutely mind boggling.
My walk last night wasn't so bad humidity wise. There was a nice breeze--at first, then it died off. For some reason my ankles were bothering me. That has never happened before. My daughter said I need to do stretches before I walk. Okay, I know this. I've always known this. But I've never done it. I hate getting down on the floor to do stuff like that because you always have to get back up. Which is so HARD for me. She said she'll show me standing ones. Thank you Rachel!
I guess I should introduce my family to you, after a fashion.
Benjamin--25, married to Danielle for 1 year, is an air traffic controller in the Air Force, stationed in New Mexico
Rachel--24, in the national guard for 5 years, is a Sergeant (!), busy taking care of my husband's parents in their home.
Eli--20, works for a cable company digging ditches, laying cable, and all that entails. He's my only kid with curly hair. He has dirt in his pockets when he gets home! So funny. He plays the guitar and is so good!
Rebekah--17, is a counsellor at a summer camp for mentally and physically disabled children and adults and she is just loving it. More power to her, I couldn't do it at all. She will be a senior this year. She plays the saxophone and is in the marching band at school with Bethany.
Bethany--16, she'll be a sophomore. She can talk like donald duck better than anyone I have ever heard in my life! I love when she sings happy birthday to me like that. She plays the trombone.
Sam--13, ahhh Sam, you are what keeps me young. He'll be in the 8th grade. He is quite the character. Came home from a friends house and said 'Guess what I have!' and I said 'Is it alive?!' and of course he said 'Yes!' and I groaned and said 'Dog or cat!' and he said 'cat!'. So we now have another kitten, a grey striped tabby. We have named her Elora Dannan. Now before you get all weird about that name, it's from the movie Willow which we all love. And it goes perfectly with MY cat, Ninja Cobra. Who is totally freaked out about this kitten.
Josiah--12, he'll be in the 7th grade. He knows all kinds of weird stuff about bugs and animals that nobody else ever heard. He is showing himself to be quite musically talented. He plays the saxophone and the oboe.
MaryGrace--9, yes, it has a capital letter in the middle. When I was pregnant that's the name I wanted. My husband said 'Why can't we just name her Mary Grace and I said No Way I hate the name Mary which of course I am ashamed of because now I LOVE the name Mary! Her name is MaryGrace Elizabeth. She'll be in the 4th grade and is the baby of the family.
Oh and let's not forget my husband David. We've been married for 28 years and believe you me it has been a slog at times. He is a painting contractor and works very hard to keep this family afloat. And me? I haven't had a job since I got pregnant with Ben all those years ago.
We homeschooled for 10 years, but stopped 5 years ago. Let me tell you THAT was a chore. I was always pregnant or nursing during school.
Let's see. I'm a pianist, I love to read, and Bethany and I play an online game together called World of Warcraft. Don't judge me!
My house is always hopping with one thing or another.
**End of this stuff*******
Last night we had french toast and after much laborious mathematical computations deduced that one piece with light butter and sugar free syrup would be 200 calories so I had 1 and 1/3. Now please don't leave a comment that says I am WAY off on that!
It was weird last night walking. For the first time in ever I didn't have anything to say to my friend. She is just so not encouraging to me at all. When I told her that I put my underwear on without holding on to anything and what a big moment that was for me she didn't say anything. That's a silly example, but that is pretty much how she responds when I tell her a positive change in my life. So it's difficult. She's happy to walk but man it must be frustrating to not lose a single pound by doing that.
When I got home last night I had 2 tostadas (total 300 calories) and that was the best bedtime snack ever! I always make sure I have stuff to eat that is low in calories and more importantly, that I love.
Okay. So when I first started on my journey, I somehow found a blog of a man who weighed 500 pounds and had lost almost 200 pounds so far. And I went all the way back to the beginning, yes, I did, and read it all. Crying through much of it, of course, sometimes I'm such a big baby. This was when I decided to pattern myself after him and eat 1500 calories a day. I emailed him once and he actually responded! My word you'd have thought I had gotten that email from royalty i was so excited! I tell everyone who will listen about his blog, and stories from others I read, but mostly his. And can I tell you how absolutely floored I was when I discovered that he mentioned my blog and me, yes me and my weight loss journey in his blog today! Thanks Sean for the callout. Of course everyone is still asleep while I am typing this but when they wake up I'll be showing it to them. Here's the link to his post today: If you've never read his stuff, I suggest you go back to the beginning and read it all. I think he should turn his blog into a book.
I was thinking last night about being overweight and how feminity dropped by the wayside because of that. I no longer have pretty underwear, silky pajamas, or a robe. I guess once you hit a certain weight all the clothes become utilitarian and ugly. My sister gave me a bunch of stuff she grew out of when she lost weight and in one of the bags was a nightgown. Okay I haven't worn a nightgown for about oh, say, 10 years at least. Can I say how overjoyed I was to discover it fit?! So now I have a nightie. Through all these years with the kids my personal grooming was always last. I never took a shower or got dressed or anything until last. When you're getting 8 kids ready to leave the house Moms don't come first believe you me! And with all the weight I gained I didn't really care what i looked like. For church I made sure I was clean and my clothes were clean, put my hair in a pony tail and I was good to go. Well things are changing around here. I've been taking 2 showers a day. Yes, you read that right, two! One in the morning and then after my walk. I am actually caring about what I look like for the first time in ever! And I put on earrings and makeup too, and fix my hair.
Okay, you have to understand where I am coming from. My marriage has been a difficult one, my mother passed away 6 years ago which devastated me, and I've been so busy with the kids. Put my weight on top of all that and tada! you get zaababy. I never realised when I decided to lose weight that my whole life would change. I know I've said this before and I so hate to be redundant but I'm just so surprised. It's taking charge of things, that's what is doing it. I would never have had the courage to talk to the doctor and discover I'm depressed (which still freaks me out a little) and start on medication. I would never have discovered that within me there's a steel core of determination. Yes, a steel core that will not waver or get sidetracked. I had that core when I quit smoking 17 years ago and I have it now. I wonder what other things I will discover about myself!
Okay I think this post takes the record for being the longest one EVER.
Make wise choices! (you all know what that's from right? Freaky Friday, it's what the mom says to her daughter when she gets out of the car at school, I say it to my kids when they walk to school in the morning and I thought it was an appropriate way to end my posts)

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Day 58

Enjoying my summer vacation, sleeping in, staying up late. Made bacon and eggs for everyone this morning yum! Walked last night and man! was it humid and hot! today's supposed to be much cooler--cross your fingers!
I really look forward to walking, amazingly. It's still so hard! We have a halfway point with benches that we rest on for about 5 minutes. Still, 2.5 miles is nothing to sneeze at, seeing as how 2 months ago I could barely walk around the block. This has to be tough for my friend. She has walked every single day with me and I've lost 22 pounds and her? she has gained. Gained! Can you imagine! But she is not changing how she eats which is key I think. I'm eating 1500 calories a day and I've lost 22 pounds in 6 weeks.
********more signs that I'm losing************
  • today I put my underwear on without holding on to anything, or sitting. okay this is like a really big deal to me.
  • i wore a necklace yesterday--I haven't worn one in years because my neck was so fat it looked ridiculous--and it looked good!
  • certain pieces of my clothing are much looser
I'm making bbq roast beef sandwiches tonight for dinner. I make mine in a skillet fried in butter. Nice and healthy I know! But it doesn't taste as good on soft bread so I need to figure out how to make the bread nice and crispy and the inside nice and hot. It's one of my favorite things to eat. I only get it after i make a roast which isn't often. One big change in my cooking is I no longer bake. I've stopped making brownies, cookies, cakes, desserts of any kind, even rolls. My kids ask me for a snack and I don't have one in the house and I don't rush to make one for my poor snackless darlings! Incredible how there always used to be something decadent and chocolate in this house and now there is only fudgesicles (90 calories each) and ghiradelli chocolate chips (1 oz 80 cal)
I would much rather have a small portion of the real thing than a big portion of something disgusting. A lot of cookbooks have folks using fat free everything. Well just because it is fat free doesn't mean it's lower in calories. Sometimes it's HIGHER in calories. Like cream of mushroom soup. Normal--90 cal per serving. Fat free--120 cal per serving. Weird I know. So glad I read those labels now! And here I used to NEVER EVER EVER look at nutrition labels. Denial was my best friend back then. Now I look at them all the time.
I am so happy with my decision to lose weight. It's affecting my whole life. I'm more confident, I feel full of power and strength in my heart. I wonder why it took so long for it to 'click' for me. I have been miserable for so long. I hated everything about my life--my clothes, how slow I moved, how sedentary I was, people's treatment of me, my bleak outlook of being a slave to food. I wish I had discovered how easy it is to lose weight the 'old fashioned' way a long time ago. My life would be very different. Ah well.
Having a bit of a spat with the old ball and chain right now. I always feel like if i wasn't fat my marriage would be different. Like losing weight would make me more lovable or him more loving.
Found a few more blogs to follow. So fun finding others who have made the same commitment towards eating less and exercise.
Make wise choices.

Monday, July 13, 2009

Day 56--more of the same ole same ole

I hate when my favorite bloggers don't post everyday and here I am, skipping the entire weekend! Pretty much things are the same. 1500 calories or less each day, 2.5 mile walk. Friday and Saturday I walked by myself. When you don't have someone to chat with, that hour is so LONG. I would look down the road and think man! I have such a long way to go! I decided to turn around and look how far I've come. Which was a long way!
I feel the same way about this journey I'm on to lose weight. I really have a long way to go! It's going to take a while for others to see any change in me. Instead of feeling overwhelmed about how far I have to go, I am looking back to see where I've come from. I've come a long way!
  • hated myself
  • hated everybody and everything
  • ate whatever I wanted whenever I wanted however much I wanted
  • was probably socking away 4000-5000 calories a day
  • couldn't go up or down stairs without my knees hurting, being out of breath, and it was just plain difficult!
  • was proud when I ate salads (which I despise) because they're so GOOD for you
  • felt helpless, hopeless, trapped, doomed, depressed, discouraged
  • I love myself
  • I love others and everything. Funny what a little wellbutrin can do for you
  • I eat whatever I want in controlled portions, getting just as much satisfaction as I did when I ate huge amounts
  • 1500 calories is my limit
  • went up and down the stairs yesterday at church (it's a HUGE staircase) with no problems whatsoever. when I got to the top I felt like cheering
  • I'm proud of myself for the first time in who knows how long for taking control of my life and the food that goes into my mouth
  • I feel strong, powerful, full of joy and hope, cheerful, optimistic
Funny what a life changing choice that was for me on May 19th. I had no idea deciding to lose weight would change everything, I just thought I would get thinner.
Now I'm 22 pounds lighter. I ran Saturday night for longer than I ever have, and it wasn't as difficult. It was about 1/2 a block but still! Moving this bulk around is tough guys!
I'm making a roast for dinner tonight. I have no desires to just pig out on this yummy food. I also like eating what everyone else is eating for dinner. No more having to cook separate foods for myself. I had my normal breakfast of 4 pieces of crisp bacon, 2 fried eggs--yolks a bit runny which is so delish--and 1 cup of orange juice. 450 calories never tasted so good!
Other than the same old everyday stuff things around here are normal. My daughter went back to camp after a weird week. She just was acting weird what can I say. The kids are enjoying their break from school by staying up much later than I think they are and then sleeping all morning. School starts on August 20th (and there was much rejoicing in the land) and believe it or not they are all excited about it. I'll have 5 kids in school this year.
My two month anniversary is coming up on Sunday. Yes, two whole months since I made that life altering decision to lose weight. And why this time it clicked I have no idea. But it did click. It's really starting to sink in that I have to do some form of exercise everyday for the rest of my life and watch what I eat. I will never be able to go back to the way I was before, all blobby and fat, camped at the computer, eating all the time. Why did I type that, 'never be able'? How about I will never HAVE to go back to that way of life. I know people lose and then regain and I think that's just horrible. Having that taste of normality and throwing it all away for food. I don't ever want to be this fat again. I hate it.
That looks about it for me.
Make wise choices!

Friday, July 10, 2009

Day 53--Weigh Day

Today my daughter and I walked up to the clinic to weigh. She wanted to weigh herself too, so I let her go first. She weighs 73 pounds, my skinny little 9 year old! And I weighed in at 334, yes a 7 pound loss in 2 weeks and I am so very happy! I knew that I was losing, I'm seeing so many little changes daily. So I have now lost a total of 22 pounds. I can't believe I'm even writing that. I remember wishing I could just lose 10 or 15 pounds, just be able to have the self control to do that small thing, and not being able to. And here I am, and there's no turning back.
Last night after I dropped off the older kids at church for their youth group float trip, it was just me and the 'baby' (she's 9 but still) on the way home. I decided to treat her to a Sonic wacky pack thing. We rarely eat out btw. She was so excited! And I got a water. A WATER. That has absolutely never happened to me in my entire life. I could always put away an order of fries, or mozzie sticks, or a double chocolate malt. I just did not want to waste my calories on that. The best part was it wasn't even a struggle. I wasn't sitting there fighting temptation, longing for the foods offered, struggling with the decision. I just didn't want it. I feel like I've achieved this huge thing in that one small moment. I just went home and made myself a quesadilla. Yum!
Those pillboxes I bought are sure helping me. I never forget my pills anymore.
I took a shower everyday this week! And put on makeup, earrings, and fixed my hair. I would normally shower every 2-3 days. It really didn't matter what I looked like. I rarely wore makeup and always forgot earrings. But now I'm finding that I really care about what I look like. I'm enjoying looking in the mirror at my new smile and getting dressed everyday in clothes that are slowly getting bigger. Today I put on a blue tshirt that is normally skin tight, I have to stretch it out to make it fit. This time, though, I didn't have to do that. I just put it on and it was a little loose all over. JOY. I can't wait until I can't wear my jeans because they keep falling down, even when freshly washed.
So it's a lazy quiet day. I'm still not sleeping well which stinks. But that is minor compared to all the good things happening to me. Funny how making a decision to lose weight can affect everything in my life. That one moment on May 19th changed everything for me. The way I look at myself, at life, at my relationships with others, all different, I even had the courage to talk to my doctor about myself, found out what was wrong and started taking meds. So many times I walked or drove by and thought about going in and couldn't. I can now walk 2.5 miles when I could barely walk a block before. I have control over everything that goes into my mouth, whereas before I felt helpless before food, a slave to my desires, a prisoner.
I had a dream last night where my daughter and I were walking along a road, holding hands. All of a sudden we started running together, and it was effortless and freeing. I began leaping as I ran and I felt so joyful. When I woke up, I was moved when I remembered it. Because if that had happened a few months ago I would have been sad, discouraged and depressed, knowing that could never happen. But now, I know it will happen. I will run with my daughter one day, and it will be effortless and I will leap and feel joyful.
Make wise choices.

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Day 51---My List of Things That are Different

Here is a list of things that I am noticing are different as I lose weight:
I can clean parts of my body in the shower that I couldn't reach before
My smile looks different. That's the big thing right now. I used to hate my smile because my mouth looked so little compared to the rest of my face, which I also hated because it was all puffy and swollen. When I first noticed it, I thought hmm my mouth looks bigger, yes, that was what tipped me off. I am so enjoying smiling at myself in the mirror!
In the shower, I could put my hands on the sides of my thighs and they would be touching the sides of the shower. Today? I had wiggle room! Yes I about cried right then.
I don't want to be gross but it's easier to wipe when I go to the bathroom.
My stomach doesn't rub against the steering wheel. Yes it's still super close but not like it was.
*********End of List*********
So today I got up, showered, put makeup on and got dressed. And I didn't even go anywhere. I'm beginning to actually care about what I look like. There have been many days, more than I care to remember, when I didn't even look in the mirror the entire day. Some of those days I had two in diapers and several other small kids, which is a bit understandable but the rest? Why would I want to look in the mirror?! I see this as another sign that the Wellbutrin is working. I still can't believe that I am taking this stuff. If anybody should it's my husband he's just so negative yet it's me! Incredible.
Made a yummy quesadilla for dinner tonight:
tortilla-120 cal
beans-45 cal
1 oz taco meat-75 cal (I hope)
1 oz grated cheese-110 cal
1 slice American cheese-60 cal
As you can tell I like the cheese. Adds up to a nice 410 calories for dinner. Breakfast was 450 leaving me 640 still. I do like to snack in the evening.
Getting ready to head out on my evening walk with my bff. We do 2.5 miles and I swear it's super tough and she wants to add on blocks and I told her no way not yet. When we are done I think I'm gonna die and basically collapse on the bed for a bit.
I am so glad school starts next month. I wish it started sooner.
I am finding all kinds of new blogs to read and I'm really enjoying them all. It's fun to read other people's success stories. Someday I will be one.
Make wise choices.

DAY 50 Unbelievable!

Here I am, day 50 is over and I'm still doing this. I'm still doing this! It's incredible! My heart is filled with joy because what I am doing is working. I am starting to like myself, and like what I see in the mirror. My smile looks different because my face is thinner. Just one more affirmation that yes, eating less and exercising more causes me to lose weight.
What I am looking forward to the most:
Going to World's of Fun and not worrying about if I will fit in the rides
Wearing a pair of jeans with a tshirt TUCKED IN and I look fine
Being able to run
Being able to run up the stairs
crossing my legs
having a cat fall asleep in my lap. not on my chest, my lap.
all new clothes, of course. I wonder what my style is. It's been so long since I've bought something I liked. I get whatever fits. Doesn't matter what it looks like.
owning and wearing pretty silky pajamas and robe
having an actual coat instead of a thick sweater in the winter time--I've always wanted a deep blue one.
And the best thing, watching people's reactions to my svelte self.
I am so excited to see all the tiny changes in my body.
I weigh on Friday.
Now that I'm taking vitamins and wellbutrin, I bought 2 pill boxes, one for AM and one for PM. Just like an old lady! The pink one is morning and the purple one is night. I filled them and weirdly it was fun.
I feel good. Yes, I am actually feeling good. You don't realize how bad you feel until you feel better. I'm taking an interest in my home, cleaning and organizing. Shock! Still not getting very much sleep. I can't wait til the night I sleep through and not wake up one time.
****We interrupt this blog for a moment of griping******
So my daughter has this friend. I think we all had one like her when we teenagers--very thin and cute and boys are drawn like a magnet. She was here yesterday and mentioned that she sees me walking everyday. I told her what I was doing and that I had lost 15 pounds.
Stickfiguregirl: I lost 15 pounds too!
Marshmallow: did? (from where?! Your left earlobe?!)
Stickfiguregirl: Oh, I am always in a hurry to get to work (as a lifeguard, of course) in the morning so no breakfast and I forget to bring my lunch so I just don't eat all day.
Marshmallow: (trying not to show a grimace of irritation and dismay) well that's nice. (Nice! Mmmhmmm, riiiiiight. It's not nice. I am having to count my calories and walk 2.5 miles a day to lose weight and here she shrugs her shoulders and loses weight!) I'm happy for you. (Not really.)
Stickfiguregirl: I still have a ways to go.
Marshmallow: (I grab a pair of socks off the arm of the couch and stuff them in her mouth, effectively stopping the flow of words from her mouth. No, not really. I just left the room but I thought this needed a bit of drama.)
************my itty bitty pity party is done**********
I'm saying no to so many things! Like:
candy bars
pink lemonade
potato chips and fritos
Sour cream onion dip
pop tarts
fast food of any shape and size
baking (I am very good at making desserts, trust me. Brownies, cakes, cookies, breads, ice cream desserts--they're yum but I am so not having it in the house.)
chocolate milk
now see, I COULD eat those if I wanted to. I do have 1500 calories each and everyday. I'm just not willing to blow my calories on stuff like that. I only get a small bit for a huge cost. I like to get more bang for my buck. I can have 2 homemade tostadas for 300 calories or 3 cups of pink lemonade . I would be insane to pick the lemonade. Or bacon and eggs and orange juice for 270 calories or ONE POPTART. I have learned quickly that there are things out there that are just not worth it.
macaroni and cheese
potato chips with sour cream and onion dip
candy in any shape and form (except for dark chocolate. I love me some of that)
did you know they make honey buns that are 600 calories apiece? neither did I
100 calorie snack packs--they are incredibly stupid--I can have 14 regular size pretzels for 110 calories.
cereal--I have discovered that milk and I do not like each other anymore which saddens my heart but oh well.
Right now in my house: 6 of my children; my 2 nephews; 3 friends of my 16 year old daughter here for a belated birthday sleepover. Three of my kids are asleep, the rest are all awake and playing a game called Mafia. As long as its not truth or dare or spin the bottle I'm fine. Aaaand I forgot my son asked me to wash his work clothes so I'll be up for a bit longer.
Make wise choices!

Sunday, July 5, 2009

Day 48

Had a lovely day yesterday. My sister and family came down and we had tacos. This is the first family dinner I've had since I started on this journey and wow was it different.
Old way: I would prepare 3 lavish desserts on top of all my other cooking wearing myself out
New way: I made one dessert my husband asked for (scotcheroos super easy), asked my sister to bring one, and planned ice cream sundaes with a small sundae bar for the kids.
Old way: I would have several finger foods laid out for nibbling during the day
New way: I had a veggie tray with ranch
Old way: I would wear myself out with all the cooking and not enjoy myself
New way: I had fun!
I think the wellbutrin is working. Guess what I discovered? My house is FILTHY. It looks like nobody has loved or taken care of it in years, which is true. I didn't know how bad I felt until I started feeling good. And I feel good! I stayed up Friday night til 2 cleaning, then cleaned all day Saturday. I cannot even remember the last time I actually worked that hard at anything. I can't remember the last time I actually cared about anything.
So all in all, it's been a great weekend. My nephews are here for the week and everyone is having a wonderful time. We have plenty of food from yesterday, so today we're having leftover tacos for dinner. Kind of like a little vacation for me.
My sister took some pictures yesterday. And one of them was of us together, and my face didn't look as round as it used to be. Didn't walk but I did so much work around the house that took its place. I was not going to walk around when everyone was shooting off rockets.
My sister has lost a lot of weight in the last year and looks wonderful. The best part of that, is the passing down of clothes! She brought 2 trash bags full for me. I can't wear it all, sadly. Not yet. But I will. I am finding myself so impatient, I want this weight gone NOW! Today I get to go through all them and try them on, to see what I can wear and what I can't.
Make wise choices friends.

Friday, July 3, 2009

Day 46--I went to pizza hut!

Bacon, eggs and juice 450 calories
2 pieces of thin crust pepperoni pizza and 1/2 bread stick from pizza hut--650 cal
Was all ready and prepared to get a 410 calorie sub from subway but then my daughters changed their minds and wanted pizza. Ack! I wasn't sure how much each piece was but I thought around 300 apiece. I was kind of afraid that I would sit down and just eat like a huge pig nomnomnom but no, I was full at 2 pieces! Oh and I drank water too. So I CAN go out to eat and NOT overeat.
My brother-in-law has this book that he keeps with him all the time that lists all the calories and carbs in foods (he's diabetic). He's bringing it tomorrow for me to see. How handy! As long as I'm home, with the internet, I just look it up there. But I'm not always going to have a computer handy. I just might be picking up one of these for myself.
No walk today. I'm beat. Tomorrow is a huge day.
Make wise choices!

Thursday, July 2, 2009

Day 45--Weight loss and the cessation of smoking

Well that took forever and a day transferring all my weight loss posts to this new and improved journal! But they are all here, from my very first on. And who knows, maybe nobody in the whole wide world will want to read about me, my lame life, and my struggles to lose weight, and this will have been a colossal waste of time!
It's 9:30 in the evening, and I've had a whopping 860 calories today. Wow I know.
Brunch was bacon, eggs and juice--450 calories
Dinner was a hamburger patty, cheese, and 3 oz of fries--410 calories. Oh,and I had a Sprite Zero. That thing has zero calories. It's nice to have something to drink besides water.
And I walked 2 1/2 miles. It's hard still, but I'm always so glad that I did it.
I'm on Day 3 of the Wellbutrin. Tomorrow I start taking 2 pills a day. Does this stuff make you not hungry? Because I'm not. But oh, how I love going into the evening with a lot of calories. I am a late night snacker!
It's weird to think this is day 45. I've been doing this for 1 1/2 months. Incredible! I've never done anything like this! Well, actually, 17 years ago I quit smoking cold turkey, and I guess this is like that. I was so determined then to stop, and I had heard so many people say that they quit for 3 years then just picked one up one day and boom they were hooked again. I decided that I wouldn't even touch them, ever again. And I haven't. I haven't had one drag off a cigarette in 17 years. I wouldn't go back to that life again if you paid me a million dollars. Just like now, with my fat. I never want to go back to being discouraged, depressed, hating myself and everything around me. Hopeless. Doomed. A prisoner. I used to think it would be so hard to lose weight. That I did not have that special something inside me. I would see the People magazines with their cover girls who lost a ton of weight with no pills or surgery! and I would think man! I wish I could do that! And lookee! I AM!!!
Well, 15 pounds isn't necessarily a TON of weight, but you get the general idea.
I am pushing for 10 pounds lost next Friday for a total of 25. You never know, it might happen. I know I'm not walking on the 4th, and possibly not on the 5th because of family commitments. And tomorrow I am going down to pick up my daughter from camp so who knows how I'll feel in the evening!
I think I'm done sitting at the computer.
Make wise choices!

Post #27--It's sabotaaaaaaaaaaaaaage!

Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Day 43. How neat to be able to write that. When I started I had only my hopes and dreams and some vague idea about how I would lose weight and here I am, 15 pounds lighter, filled with confidence and encouragement, and I'm doing it! Eating 1500 calories and walking daily is incredibly easy. Especially since I'm not hampered by someone ELSE'S eating rules.
(Imagine, if you will, a very thin, superior looking woman seated behind a desk)
Woman: To lose weight, you must eat foods that have no fat, indulge in steamed vegetables, yogurt, and fish.
Marshmallow (me): But I don't like fish or yogurt.
Woman: You're fat! You don't get to eat what YOU like, you have to eat what I want you to eat!
Marshmallow: I also despise steamed veggies, in fact, there aren't a whole lot that I do like at the moment.
Woman: (starting to get a sneer on her face) That's obvious.
Marshmallow: I like mexican food, the spicier the better. And cheese. And pizza, and chocolate, and bacon and--
Woman: (interrupting my love affair with food) To lose weight you can't eat those things anymore. Let yourself have a small treat once a week. Fill up on fiber so you won't be hungry. Blah blah blah.
Marshmallow: I would like to eat whatever I want, but portion controlled. I think 1500 calories is a good amount for me. I think I should be able to eat what I love, trying new foods as I desire, as long as I don't go over. And I'd like to walk everyday as my exercise.
Woman: Blasphemy! This goes against all diet credos!
Marshmallow:...I'm not going on a diet. I'm trying to change my lifestyle. Everytime I've gone on a diet before I've gone OFF it and gained back all my weight. In fact, I think you're full of it and I'm outta here!
Incredibly enough, I am also finding that my friends are not supportive of me. Weird, I know.
(The scene slowly changes to two women walking along a road, one talking animatedly, the other listening intently.)
Me: ...and I'd like to try two days a week shooting for 1200 calories. I think I could do that, and it might help my metabolism.
Her: No, no, I think that's too little, you shouldn't do that. Are you going to count calories for the rest of your life?
Me: I bought this new food scale and I'm so thrilled, now I can weigh my food and find out exactly how many calories I'm eating instead of guessing!
Her: Are you going to weigh your food for the rest of your life? What kind of life is that?
Me: I like the control that it gives me.
Her: I just think that you are being unrealistic. You can't live that way!
Me: I want to be a runner. I think that will be so fun, feeling the wind through my hair, the freedom of movement, I can't wait!
Her: You shouldn't plan more than 1 or 2 days ahead.
Me: I'm not planning, I'm looking forward to the wonderful things that will happen when I lose all this weight. Oh, and I'm weighing myself every two weeks.
Her: What if you don't lose any weight? What is your backup plan?
Me: What do you mean?
Her: Are you going to just give up? What do you plan on doing if you haven't lose any weight?
Me: Well, I guess I'll just ramp up the exercise and lower my calories.
Her: But what if THAT doesn't work? What is your backup plan?
Me: If that doesn't work I'm going into a medical book somewhere.
Her: See, I think you shouldn't weigh yourself at all. You're setting yourself up for disappointment.
Me: But I need to see if what I am doing is working! I can't just not weigh.
(And this goes on ad nauseum infinity)
Even my husband is part of the sabotage team.
(Imagine, if you will, the same woman talking animatedly to a man obviously bored and wishing he was somewhere else)
Me:...and look, my pants are looser, and my shirt comes down farther on my stomach!
Him: (he says nothing)
Me: I even had a piece of cheesecake and didn't go over my calories! It took so long to figure out how much it was!
Me: My walk was so difficult tonight but once I got home I was so proud of myself for completing it. 2 1/2 miles is a lot!
Me: I had 3 tacos tonight for dinner and that was about 500 calories and I'm full!
Me: calories blah blah exercise blah excitement blah blah
(isn't this horrible?)
The thing that makes everything so wonderful for me is that for the first time in my entire life I am actually doing things for myself. I've had 8 children, never even getting to go the bathroom by myself, or even with the door closed, took my showers last, if at all, and basically putting everyone before myself. There just wasn't TIME. But no more.
So try your hardest, saboteurs! Your mission will fail! I will succeed! Little do they know that my secret identity is THE AMAZING SHRINKING WOMAN!
Make wise choices friends.
Love to you all!

Post #26--Victory and a doctor's visit

Sunday, June 28, 2009

Weighed today and I lost 5 more pounds bringing me to 15 pounds gone forever and ever!!! I hope!!!
BUT my blood pressure was awful, who even knows why. 180/80! Yes! You read that right, I was so surprised. Thankfully, once again, my doctor was alone with no patients there or waiting, so I sat down to talk to her about my bp and lo and behold I burst into tears. I told her (condensed version) everything that had been going on with my husband, words were just pouring forth along with the tears, and how I felt I was always wearing a mask, I wasn't sleeping well, and I always felt there was this black cloud with me everywhere I went, and it had been this way for YEARS. If my marriage were different, my husband treated me like a husband SHOULD, then things would be different. And guess what she said? She told me I had the classic signs of depression. Me. The cheerful happy person, depressed?
She is prescribing anti depressants for me. Me. I'm kind of freaked but you know what? I feel so relieved to find out that I'm not just this big fat lazy slob who can't get off her rear to do what she should, but there's a REASON I'm like this. I'm this hermit, see. I don't like to go anywhere anymore, I stay in my bedroom and read or mess on the computer or watch dvd's. I come out to cook and play referee and assign chores blah blah.
And odd, too, I can't tell my husband BECAUSE he thinks pills for depression is a cop out and he wouldn't be supportive AT ALL. So I have to keep this a secret. Well, obviously not a HUGE secret because you guys know. When your husband doesn't pay any attention to you whatsoever you can hide a lot.
My youngest son is 12. Out of my entire group of children, he is the only chubster, the rest are all tall and lean. And he hates himself and his fat so very very much. He has watched me, I guess, and now he is counting calories too! But I am totally not being very strict with him. 2000 calories is a good amount, and I told him I was not going to be his calorie police, this was his decision and I want no lying about what he ate or sneak eating, to be above board with everything. You should have seen his face when he weighed one serving of cereal and put it in a bowl with 1/2 cup of milk. Quite comical. 'Mom, this is 180 calories!' so shocked he was at how little it was!
After this beastly heat wave is over, we are going to walk in the mornings together. Now to just be able to get up out of bed!
Food wise everything is great. I even made a cherry cheesecake for my daughter-in-law's birthday and figured out with much laborious math that one piece would be 333 calories so guess what I had today! Yep, a piece of cheesecake and I did NOT go over my limit! Nice treat, I must say. And had a grilled hotdog for dinner, it was so yum.
I love having no forbidden 'bad' foods. I love not feeling guilty for having a hotdog and cheesecake.
I have to say, I was a tiny bit disappointed that I only lost 5 pounds in 2 weeks. I am starting to look different in my middle section and neck and man I just want it all to be gone right now! But my doctor is quite pleased with me.
I am wearing a dress to church tomorrow that I haven't worn in 8 years. And I play, also, and have the offertory and am also playing for communion. In my pretty blue dress. Yes, I am wearing my mother nature's helper (girdle) with it.
Enough ramblings, I'm off to bed!
Make wise choices!

Post #25--Beastly healt, sunburns, and a funeral

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Yes yes I'm still here. It's just been a madhouse here!
Friday--my daughter came home from camp, we had a big birthday dinner, and so many people were here, I did not walk.
Saturday--everyone up and left by 8 AM, I was a pallbearer (me, a girl! Weird!), had a church dinner and I am so proud of myself, ate almost nothing, yay me! Was gone most of the day. Walked.
Sunday--Father's Day--played hooky from church (we were all so tired!) went up to my brother's home 1 1/2 hours away, and swam the entire day. I brought brownies so I could have one small one, which I did, and it was yum. They ate the whole thing which was my clever plan. Went to McDonald's afterwards and I actually had a quarter pounder with cheese and SMALL fries and water. Yes, you got that right! 740 calories in that meal but I ate almost nothing during the day and it was fun to treat myself. No walk.
Monday--we are all horribly sunburned, sunscreen notwithstanding. We were slathered in that stuff, but to no avail. I had the infinitesimal joy of driving my daughter 2 1/2 hours down to her camp, then 2 1/2 hours BACK with NO AIR CONDITIONING. We have an excessive heat warning here, btw. It got above 100. And my left arm got horribly sunburned. Sigh. So hot I did not walk, I mean come on, at 8:30 it was 98 degrees!
Tuesday--everyone still in pain, we mostly just laid around and felt sorry for ourselves. Did not walk and I will not walk until this horrible heat goes away.
Today--having a hard time sleeping, my sunburned arm just hurts so much.
So even though no walking, I am still doing fine on my calories. Oh and I told my Dad that i was losing weight and he told EVERYBODY and I'm freaking out! Now everyone knows and I feel such pressure to be perfect!
Oh and I read the cutest funnest book I highly recommend it to all of you guys:
The Big Skinny -- How I Changed my Fattitude by Carol Lay
It's like a huge comic book, and I love love love it. Full of common sense on losing weight, which once again validates what I am doing to lose weight--eating less and exercising more.
So now that it has been more than a month (can you BELIEVE IT) since I started on my journey, the honeymoon feeling is gone and there's a bit of trudging. Saying goodbye to my old way of life is bittersweet. No more pigging out on food, lying around in a fat laden stupor with no thoughts beyond what's for dinner. It was an easy life in some ways, no pressure to eat certain things, and the freedom to eat whatever whenever and however much I wanted. As I get further away from that life, though, I see that that 'freedom' was actually bondage. I was never in control of the food that went into my mouth, the amount I ate, or even WHEN I ate. Food was in charge. I would be FULL and STILL want to eat. I never felt satisfied.
It thrills me to be satisfied on much less. I love being able to eat when I'm hungry. It's challenging to find foods that give me more bang for my buck. I constantly bore people with caloric info about the food they are eating (sorry honey!) and talk about how sick I am of being fat. I'm looking forward to buying my very own scale. I don't own one. Why should I, when I'm too heavy for it? Right now I weigh every 2 weeks at the clinic around the corner. I think when I hit below 300 I'll get my very own. Wow. The thought of being in the 200's is wow. I haven't been below 300 in over 10 years, maybe even more than that.
I'm a bit nervous about weighing on Friday.
So that's me in a nutshell. Long, boring, and a kudos to you if you read this far!
2 pics from Sunday with me in a bathing suit! Wore a shirt over. Like that's going to hide anything!

Post #24--Let's say it was the moondust

Saturday, June 20, 2009

Huge day. Lots of cooking and baking and family and friends here. I had 1200 calories saved for dinner because of all the yumminess that I was producing in the kitchen. And I just had the hardest time. I think I was just so stinking hungry. I didn't go over my calories by much, but it was this out of control feeling that upset me. Lots of tasting.
With all the hubbub I didn't get my walk either, which isn't the end of the world. The funeral is tomorrow morning at 9. Yes, you read that right, 9 IN THE MORNING. On a Saturday. I mean come ON!
Okay okay, now I just have to figure out whose fault it all was. It could beeeeee:
mine--for being such a culinary genius in the kitchen. I take random ingredients and with a minimal amount of effort produce masterpieces.
mine--for allowing myself to get too hungry. I should have had a snack or something. 250 calories for breakfast and then nothing else? I was setting myself up for a fall. And I was being greedy.
or it coooould beeee:
mine--for not thinking this through and being super prepared. I knew what food was going to be before me, I tried to count out calories as best as I could, but when it was all cooking it smelled so good.
So pretty much I can't blame the moondust that drifted down from heaven, can I? All these feelings of disappointment in myself, a small bit of discouragement, irritation.
Ah well, live and learn. Hey I could have made a colossal PIG out of myself and I didn't.
So the things I learned today are as follows:
1. Never let Zaababy get that hungry again when so many luscious foods are being prepared. Eat a snack or a light lunch.
2. Stop thinking that I will be deprived if I can't eat a certain amount of food. Smaller amounts are enough, yet before I start eating I never think it will be.
3. Did I really think that changing my lifestyle was going to be easy? That my paths were going to be strewn with roses? I am going to have tough days and easy days and in between days and sick days--the rest of my life days. I can never give up.
In the end, I refuse to go back to the way I was 32 days ago--depressed, hating myself, hating everything, trapped in a prison. Never give up, never surrender.
Tomorrow is another day. I will take the advice that I so readily hand out--and go to bed!

Post #23--It's hot and sweaty--yay for air conditioning!

Thursday, June 18, 2009

Ugh I hate Missouri summers, all the humidity. When I go outside, I feel like someone is putting a hot, wet blanket around me. At least when I come back from my walk that first step into the house is just HEAVEN. That and ice cold water mmmm-MMM!
So did the 2.5 mile walk thing with my BFF, and have 300 calories left for the day. I love having several low calorie snack options in the house. Do I have a fudgesicle for 90 calories? Or possibly a few cups of cheese popcorn? maybe an ounce of Ghiradelli chocolate chips oh those are so dark and yummy, they really hit the need inside.
Today was just one of those lazy days where the only thing interrupting was a trip to walmart, the library and the grocery store. I even got away with taking one kid with me.
Tomorrow, on the other hand, is a different day altogether. It's one of my children's birthdays and this is her birthday dinner that she requested:
chili cheese hot dogs
french fries (deep fried, of course)
rice a roni
katie's dip (a brick of cream cheese melted with a can of no bean chili, I am making a triple batch because of the amount of people who will be here, serve hot with tortilla chips, and might I say yum)
tollhouse pie with walnuts and real whipped cream
You look at that menu and you say 'Zaa, that food is insane.' And I will agree with you. So I'm going to go into the day very very prepared. I have 1500 calories to spend, and I will spend them wisely. I would like to add that I am a jammin cook. Everything always turns out yumalicious.
I believe I'll eat a very late small breakfast and save my calories for the evening. I am going to put a ZILLION walnuts in those pies because I am not fond of them, and if they're in the pie I will not eat one piece.
Rice? Meh.
It's the chili dogs and FRENCH FRIES WITH KETCHUP that I adore. So that's what I'm going to be focusing my calories on. Boring boring I know.
Saturday morning is my Grandmother's funeral. Sunday is Father's Day, and we're all headed up to my brother's then. Big weekend!
Can't believe school starts in 2 months. Doesn't sound that far away now does it? Don't get me wrong, I love my kids but all this day-in-day-out together all the time stuff is for the birds. And everytime I want to go somewhere they ALL want to come with me.
And the food they go through! Mountains of it! I have 8 children: one is home from the airforce for 2 weeks; 1 is gone doing national guard stuff; one is a camp counselor for the ozarks, but she'll be home this weekend; 1 works everyday; the other 4 are here all day and the chips and the cereal and the popsicles and the peanut butter and jelly sandwiches it's just wild! At least everyone checks calories now. Of course, my kids are all lean like their dad and calories mean nothing to them. They just like to announce what huge amount of calories they're inhaling.
Oh and swimsuit shopping with a teenage girl. I believe that sentence needs no further commentary. But everyone needs to do it. At least once.

Post #22--Dang its hot and deeep thoughts and brownies and Grandma

Thursday, June 18, 2009

I have the most difficult time trying to come up with a clever title so everyone will want to read my blog!
Got up to 100 today and it's only June! Thank heaven for air conditioning.
Been doing fine on eating and walking.
For some reason the last few days I've been thinking a lot about the future. This whole 'I'm not on a diet I'm changing my lifestyle' thing is freeing yet freaky at the same time. In the many times I lost weight before, there was always this point in my mind where I knew I would be able to eat brownies and taco bell and chips from the bag and I would look forward to it. But now. Now I am doing something completely different than a diet. I am CHANGING MY LIFESTYLE. Which means I'm going to have to watch what I eat probably forever. Which means I'm going to have to get up off my hiney every single day and DO SOMETHING PHYSICAL. For the rest of my life.
Oh there's no pity here. I'm glad that things have 'clicked' for me and all. I look forward to weight melting away, new clothes, feeling light as a feather, etc. Just having a few pensive moments. I mean come on, I've lived my WHOLE LIFE caring about food: preparing it 3 times a day, being asked to bring food to potlucks or someone who is sick, making brownies and cookies and cakes and bread, planning meals weeks ahead so I can be ORGANIZED, I mean come on I am the food person in this house! And now I don't even make any sweets because I'm not sure how strong I would be around that stuff right now and I DO NOT EVEN want to find out!
And now I find myself randomly walking into the kitchen and looking for something to eat. I'm not hungry. More bored than anything. Food took up a lot of my time and now I seem to have more time on my hands.
I also used to snack while: watching dvds, reading, while cooking, sitting at the computer for some concentrated gaming time. It's like when you quit smoking, how you play with a straw or whatever, suck on hard candies, because for some reason those are comforting as you quit. Well no such thing exists for breaking an addiction to eating!
It's like I'm changing and I don't know who I'm going to be when I'm done.
My kids and I exercised with Denise Austin this morning and it really was fun. In an agonizingly painful way.
Also, I've walked everyday for a month and STILL not sleeping better, my feet still hurt, and it's HARD. Moving this weight around is HARD.
The one thing I miss is brownies. I have a family thing to go to on Sunday and I think I am going to make the most deeeeelicious pan to take up there and then I will have a teensy bit and I hope that will satisfy this wicked craving I have in my soul. See, everyone will eat them and they won't be HERE.
Thanks for the encouragement you all have been giving me.
One last sad thing: my Grandmother passed away this morning at the age of 90. She and my Grandpa were married for 72 years, he is still living. I wish she had seen me thin. Makes me more determined than ever to lose this burden I carry with me.
So Grandma, love you--and lucky you, getting to see my Mom and catching up on everything.

Post #21--Day 28 and counting

Monday, June 15, 2009

Had my yummy bacon and eggs and juice for breakfast, and since I got up so late had an early supper. I make the best quesadillas on the face of the planet. And mine was 450 calories and I ate the whole freaking thing and man was it good! I am so glad I don't have to deny myself stuff like this. If I was on a strict diet, I would have had salad and a broiled chicken breast and vegetables while everyone else was eating these cheesy melty crisp saucy bits of heaven. How good that I can be full--really full--and not feel guilty.
Books I'm reading:
Tales From the Scales by Erin J. Shea
Thin for LIfe by Anne M. Fletcher
Eating Thin for Life by Anne M. Fletcher
The Amazing Adventures of Dietgirl by Shauna Reid (Absolutely fabulous I love her, probably because we both are starting out at the same weight)
Eat This Not That! by David Zinczenko (There are a couple of these, I'm considering buying them)
What I'm watching on dvd:
Six Feet Under
Okay okay that has nothing to do with losing weight or self image but I love love love this series.
I've been hearing about Zumba so I poked around and put a dvd on hold at the library and found out there are classes 20 miles away. Who knows when/if I will ever feel like looking the fool for a solid hour in front of all kinds of thin cute girls, but at least I looked right?
Sunday is Father's Day and it's also Zaa's Moment She Has Been Dreading For Like Ever. My brother has a pool at his house and has invited us all up to spend the day. Guess who gets to squeeeeeeeeze into a bathing suit at 346 pounds?! Yes, me. I told my kids I didn't want to go swimming and they all said 'No Mom you HAVE to come swimming it won't be FUN if you don't.' I'm so glad they like me even though I'm fat.
You know I don't feel fat. And I don't act fat. In fact, it's always a surprise to see myself in the mirror. Ack who is THAT!
So this has been a great day. Trying to wrap my head around the fact that I am changing my lifestyle and can never go back to the abandoned free for all attitude I have had towards food for ever.
Thanks for all the encouragement you guys are sending me. My sparkmail box always has something in it.
Make wise choices!

Post #20--Trouble with milk

Monday, June 15, 2009

For some odd reason I slept horribly last night. Got about 3 hours of sleep, and woke up at 4:30. I just lay there until about 6, then got up and made myself breakfast. Church, afternoon nap, and then I made the most delicious tacos ever. I was actually worried that I was going to overeat, I was soooo hungry, and was having such a hard time estimating calories for them. Does anyone else have a hard time figuring calories on homemade items?
Well, ended up only having 2 tacos and was full! Incredible! My inner fat girl was freaking out, thinking I was going to eat and eat and eat and never get full. Obviously my stomach is shrinking and I was fine with what I had, more than fine actually.
I just love having all these daily victories. Oh, there was a time when everyday was constant failure. So why try at all right? Not anymore. And lookee, day 27! I mean seriously! When was the last time I did something like this for 27 consecutive days! Well never.
I'm pretty wiped tonight.
I'm starting to look at myself in the mirror and smile. It's been a long time since I've done that, I feel kind of weird doing it and hope none of my children come across me when I'm doing it. But I've received a bit of sparkmail from you all telling me to stop beating myself up and learn to love myself.
Okay the milk thing. I love milk, always have, drank it straight from the jug (if no kids were around shhh). In the past month my milk drinking has been nonexistent. I refuse to drink my calories except for juice in the am. I just love my morning oj. The other night I saved up my calories for a 100 Grand candy bar with 1 cup of milk. I was so excited to actually have a 190 calorie candy bar. (For some reason it didn't taste as good as I remember). That night I had horrible intestinal difficulties, kept running to the bathroom all night, and now I don't want to drink milk OR eat candy bars because I don't know which one caused the problem! A friend suggested I was lactose intolerent but hey, I've drunk milk my entire life with no problems. How can I tell what it was? Can you all of a sudden develop an intolerence to milk?
I do not plan on eating candy bars on a regular basis. I just wanted one. And really, it was disappointing because it just didn't taste as good as I thought it would be.
I like having no bad foods. It WAS fun to eat that 100 grand, because I didn't feel guilty about it, I planned the calories for it. This is so much more fun than a stupid diet. I hate cottage cheese and salads and yogurt and carrots and baked fish which are standard diet fair. I like my bacon and eggs and pizza and tacos.
Night all.

Post #19--Day 26 Part Deux

Sunday, June 14, 2009

Okay so the chili got wiped out by my son and his friends. Shock, I know. I'm surprised too! Nonetheless, we ended up going out to dinner on our 28th wedding anniversary. The restaurant is famous for their cheeseburgers so I had HALF of one, and a small bit of homemade curly fries and water and NO CHEESECAKE which they are also famous for. Do you know I ended this day with 600 calories to spare?
More than anything? I'm happy that I have never once overate, running to food to soothe my emotions, giving up and getting horribly discouraged. How empowering it is to be in control of every single bite that goes in my mouth for the first time in my life! It's as if God reached inside my soul and turned my dial a little bit to the right and CLICK it all works now. How many times in my life I have tried and failed and tried and regained and it was awful. I essentially just gave up for the last 10 years. Never looked at calories, never exercised, and sank deeper and deeper into the bottomless pit.
No more, thank you God.