A pensive day it is, for some reason. Was at the grocery store and had this thought 'hmm which candybar do I want' because I used to ALWAYS get a candybar after I gave up on my weight. But I don't do stuff like that anymore. I didn't see it as a temptation to be 'bad'. I saw it as an old habit I used to have. I just said no to myself and went on. Is that weird or what? Because I could have had the candybar. I have 900 calories left for the day. Please don't think I'm psycho but I enjoy telling myself no. It's odd that I actually have the power to say no. I never thought I would be the kind of person who could be in charge of herself like this.
And last night, at the dinner table, I did not gorge myself like a pig like I was scared I would. I ate half a roll and a small bit of the casserole and I could NOT BELIEVE IT I was full. I know, shocking right? Me. Being full from scraps, pittances, mere breaths. So I'm being bold. Yes, I'm going to make a dessert for tonight. We're having hamburgers and fries and man do I love that stuff. Not sure yet what I'll make for the sweet part but I have some ideas. I feel like I'm experimenting with things. How far can I go with this? Will I be in control for everything now? Or have I just not had a big enough temptation to pigout?
It really really really makes a difference knowing how many calories are in the foods I eat. If McDonald's had the calorie information right by their prices they would go out of business. Sometimes I have 500-600 calories for dinner. I would rather spend my calories that way than on a candybar that won't taste as good as I think it will or as I remember it does.
My days are blending seamlessly into each other. I'm used to the way I eat now. Nothing new. Everyday I portion my food, count my calories, walk. Everyday I choose exactly what goes into my mouth. Everday I stay up to date on a bunch of blogs, looking for encouragement, motivation, a smile from lamo jokes by Jack. Sometimes I leave comments, sometimes I don't.
I like how losing weight is not super complicated or hard. I still just cannot believe that I am doing this. I never ever ever thought I would ever lose weight, ever. I thought I would be fat forever, getting fatter everyday. I would have horrific thoughts about being in a wreck and the ambulance guys wouldn't be able to pick me up to put me on the gurney. Or a stay in a hospital with all the embarrassment that would entail because of my size. Or what size coffin I would end up having. Why was I willing to live with that? Well I know why. Because I was deceiving myself in many different ways.
- I really don't look that bad
- People should like me because of who I AM not what I look like. So when people don't like me shame on them.
- I really don't eat that much. I can't understand why I am getting fatter
- I ate a salad. I'm a good girl for doing that because I really didn't want to eat it.
- I left some food on my plate. Look everyone, I'm not a total pig!
- Lots of men would KILL for their wife to have bigger breasts. My husband should be GRATEFUL.
- In some countries, the bigger the woman, the more desirable she is.
Day 75
Well. I did fine last night with my eating but I don't think I'll be making desserts very often in the future, maybe just for special occasions. The pan is still almost full which is a new one for this house! Everyone is so much more aware of calories now.
Last night when I met up with my friend we had an interesting conversation:
Marshmallow (me): How's it going?
BFF: I am MORTIFIED
Marshmallow: Whatever for?
BFF: I wrote down everything I ate today and counted the calories. No wonder I'm fat!
Marshmallow: What do you mean? (of course, realising what she meant but I wanted to hear it from her)
BFF: I spent 700 calories on cookies and milk alone, 500 for ice cream, and that's not even counting my meals and all the coke I drank. Several thousand calories for one day!
Marshmallow: (I am nodding my head, letting her shock settle in, and not saying I told you so because really thats not going to help anything! She needs her own click)
So neato that her eyes are being opened. When I shared with her that it was Day 74 for both of us on our walking she said 'And I haven't lost a pound.' I didn't say anything. What can you say? She's right! Her eating has not changed one bit and she is surprised, yes surprised that she hasn't lost weight. I have told her before, you can lose weight by eating less and not exercising, but you can't lose weight by just exercise it doesn't work that way. Farout that she's beginning to see the light.
And there you have it folks. Kudos to you for reading this far.
Zaa,
ReplyDeleteYou've come so far and I'm so proud of you! It's funny that you talked about candy bars. Last night we "invested" some calories in a candy bar. I found a bar called Hershey Bliss--it was only 160 calories for the whole thing. I enjoyed it slow, letting it melt in my mouth, all the while feeling completely great about the experience. We do that every now and then...if Courtney's asking where we all stand on our calorie budget--and it's near the end of the day, well---you can bet we're going to be making a candy bar or a low fat soft serve run! It's nice to do that without one single itty bitty ounce of guilt.
Some people take a while to come around. Your friend may get past the jealousy she has for your success---and realize that she too has the power within her. You know that she muct get super honest with herself about her consumption and behaviors. She's very lucky to have a friend like you to set a wonderful example. You're an inspiration to her and many others.
I'm thinking of you and yours when it comes to the strained relationship with your husband. Trying to understand our spouses behaviors, actions, thinking, and abuses...can be exhausting. We're seeking professional help here...I'm not smart enough, not educated to try to understand it all...So we'll turn to the pros at that stuff. We'll get to the root causes and see where we are and where we want to be. I wish you all the success and blessings in the world. Zaa---You're doing so incredible...It's a pleasure to read and realize the mental breakthroughs you're making all the time. Believe it my friend, believe it...because you're really, really, really doing this. Feels amazing doesn't it?
My best always,
Sean
I was staring at candy bars today in a checkout line, mentally figuring out which ones I'd get if I was going to eat a candy bar today. Truthfully, none of them did anything for me. I loaded up on sugar-free gum (which i count on as an appetite-killer) and went on my merry way. I took it as a good sign of progress.
ReplyDeleteHi there. I have just started following your blog. You truly are an inspiration. Keep up the good work.
ReplyDeleteHopefully your friend will come around. She needs to figure it out herself. As you know we all do it in our own time. After seeing your accomplishments, maybve she'll get it!
I also have a husband that's an ass! I know how you feel.
Zaa, I wish I could give you a hug, because you sound like you need one. I think I have mentioned this before, but I think you are amazing for having the strength to have done and endured all that you have.
ReplyDeleteAnd you are setting a wonderful example for your friend and your children. Stay strong, and know that we are here for you.
Kudos for staying strong on the candy bar. I always curse those candy bars in the checkout aisle!!!
Oh man, I used to do the same thing - grab a candy bar every week when I did the grocery shopping. After the first bite I didn't even taste it anymore, you know? Just scarfed it down...
ReplyDeleteNow I don't even give them a 2nd look. Just not interested. They don't even taste that good!
Glad to hear your friend has seen the light - I hope she follows through and starts cutting back on her calories.
And I hope things work out with the Hubs!
Zaa...Great job on the candy...you ask if you are normal I think so .. I think that is what ppl without a weigh prob feel.
ReplyDeleteYour BFF I knew she would come round.. I am so glad you didnt tell her I told you so...She knows you are right she is just working it all out
Hubby....Relationships are difficult...I hope that even though he may not be pleasant to you that you will find one or two positive things to see in him......to help you thru...he might also be thrown off by the fact that you are appreciating yourself and looking after yourself and he isn't use to it... just a thought.....hope it works out
Zaa...I smiled from ear to ear when you said you enjoy telling yourself no. I am on the EXACT same power trip, lol. It DOES feel good to have that power. To deny yourself the crap that's kept you fat all these years. To make the GOOD decisions instead of the bad ones. Why didn't we do this 20 years ago??? I'm so glad we're both doing it now.
ReplyDeleteI had to laugh when you said your friend realized how many calories she was eating in a day. I remember the shock I got on day 1 of calorie counting. I was coming in at least 4,000 a day. Now I'm doing 1550. What a change. And quite the shock in the beginning. I was no longer thinking I might die from a heart attack from being fat...I started thinking that first week that I might die from starvation because 1550 just wasn't enough, lol. Glad I was wrong.
About the husband...I haven't read your blog from the very beginning...I will do that when I find enough time to devote to it..I promise. But I caught where you said you've had a horrible marriage for 28 years...and I caught it on Sean's blog the other day when you posted it there. Afte 28 years and all those kids, you're obviously in it for the long haul. The best I can tell you is this. Family and loved ones are always going to disappoint. They're the ones that hurt us the most and cut us the deepest because they're the ones we love the most, and often times base our worth and our opinions on. I think sometimes we have to find our happiness in other places and you need to view yourself as Zaa and all that is wonderful about you...not as Mom, or as the Wife...just as Zaa.
You are really making some awesome, awesome changes in your life. You're putting in the work and I love watching you reap the benefits. Be proud of yourself...treat yourself along the way for the hard work...and no matter what hubby or anyone else says...you are SO worth it. You deserve to be good to yourself. You deserve to love yourself for all that you are now, and all that you are becoming. I'm so proud of you Zaa. You really inspire me to be the best that I can be. I love that about you. :)