A pensive day it is, for some reason. Was at the grocery store and had this thought 'hmm which candybar do I want' because I used to ALWAYS get a candybar after I gave up on my weight. But I don't do stuff like that anymore. I didn't see it as a temptation to be 'bad'. I saw it as an old habit I used to have. I just said no to myself and went on. Is that weird or what? Because I could have had the candybar. I have 900 calories left for the day. Please don't think I'm psycho but I enjoy telling myself no. It's odd that I actually have the power to say no. I never thought I would be the kind of person who could be in charge of herself like this.
And last night, at the dinner table, I did not gorge myself like a pig like I was scared I would. I ate half a roll and a small bit of the casserole and I could NOT BELIEVE IT I was full. I know, shocking right? Me. Being full from scraps, pittances, mere breaths. So I'm being bold. Yes, I'm going to make a dessert for tonight. We're having hamburgers and fries and man do I love that stuff. Not sure yet what I'll make for the sweet part but I have some ideas. I feel like I'm experimenting with things. How far can I go with this? Will I be in control for everything now? Or have I just not had a big enough temptation to pigout?
It really really really makes a difference knowing how many calories are in the foods I eat. If McDonald's had the calorie information right by their prices they would go out of business. Sometimes I have 500-600 calories for dinner. I would rather spend my calories that way than on a candybar that won't taste as good as I think it will or as I remember it does.
My days are blending seamlessly into each other. I'm used to the way I eat now. Nothing new. Everyday I portion my food, count my calories, walk. Everyday I choose exactly what goes into my mouth. Everday I stay up to date on a bunch of blogs, looking for encouragement, motivation, a smile from lamo jokes by Jack. Sometimes I leave comments, sometimes I don't.
I like how losing weight is not super complicated or hard. I still just cannot believe that I am doing this. I never ever ever thought I would ever lose weight, ever. I thought I would be fat forever, getting fatter everyday. I would have horrific thoughts about being in a wreck and the ambulance guys wouldn't be able to pick me up to put me on the gurney. Or a stay in a hospital with all the embarrassment that would entail because of my size. Or what size coffin I would end up having. Why was I willing to live with that? Well I know why. Because I was deceiving myself in many different ways.
- I really don't look that bad
- People should like me because of who I AM not what I look like. So when people don't like me shame on them.
- I really don't eat that much. I can't understand why I am getting fatter
- I ate a salad. I'm a good girl for doing that because I really didn't want to eat it.
- I left some food on my plate. Look everyone, I'm not a total pig!
- Lots of men would KILL for their wife to have bigger breasts. My husband should be GRATEFUL.
- In some countries, the bigger the woman, the more desirable she is.
Well. I did fine last night with my eating but I don't think I'll be making desserts very often in the future, maybe just for special occasions. The pan is still almost full which is a new one for this house! Everyone is so much more aware of calories now.
Last night when I met up with my friend we had an interesting conversation:
Marshmallow (me): How's it going?
BFF: I am MORTIFIED
Marshmallow: Whatever for?
BFF: I wrote down everything I ate today and counted the calories. No wonder I'm fat!
Marshmallow: What do you mean? (of course, realising what she meant but I wanted to hear it from her)
BFF: I spent 700 calories on cookies and milk alone, 500 for ice cream, and that's not even counting my meals and all the coke I drank. Several thousand calories for one day!
Marshmallow: (I am nodding my head, letting her shock settle in, and not saying I told you so because really thats not going to help anything! She needs her own click)
So neato that her eyes are being opened. When I shared with her that it was Day 74 for both of us on our walking she said 'And I haven't lost a pound.' I didn't say anything. What can you say? She's right! Her eating has not changed one bit and she is surprised, yes surprised that she hasn't lost weight. I have told her before, you can lose weight by eating less and not exercising, but you can't lose weight by just exercise it doesn't work that way. Farout that she's beginning to see the light.
And there you have it folks. Kudos to you for reading this far.