Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Day 133--it's been HOW LONG since I posted?--summary and pants

Okay wow it has been a bit since I've posted but it's not my fault! I was sick with the stomach flu for a lot of it! So to sum up since my last post:
  1. I took my daughter to get her nose pierced. And I didn't watch because ewww. I told her no piercings tattoos or hair coloring til she turned 18, and last week she did. I also went with her to get her hair colored dark brown with blue highlights underneath. How do I feel about this? Well, I kind of wish this stuff was 'in' when I was young because I would have done it too. Now that I'm 47 I would look extremely stupid with a nose piercing and blue hair. But she looks good.
  2. I had a stomach virus for several days. Thrilling.
  3. I couldn't walk a lot because of the rain, but I walked when I could.
  4. Same old 1500 calories everyday. It's starting to be a habit to always find out what the portion size of a food is and serve myself only that. Oh and I have discovered that my weakness is NOT chocolate which comes as a total surprise. It's yeast rolls. Homemade. Crescent rolls. Man as the dough is rising it smells so good. I had two for dinner they were that good. I could have had more. But I didn't. Keep me aWAY from donuts forever!
  5. The weather has changed from summery to autumny in the span of a week. The trees are starting to turn and there is a definite chill in the air. Yay!!! The best part of my walks are checking out the trees and changing leaves everywhere. Beautiful!
  6. I've been working on keeping the kitchen really clean. I mean Mom clean, not kid clean. I enjoy always knowing where my rubber spatula is and having the counters completely dry and not swimming in water from when they wiped off the counter. How does that even happen. I mean seriously. How hard is it to see a huge puddle of water?
  7. Put my electric blanket on my bed and now I'm ready to go! My bed is all white: sheets, blankets, and spread. I used to always have a comforter but I don't need one with the electric blankets and it's prettier this way anyways. I never could when the kids were all little because no way would I EVER be able to keep that clean. But now I can.
  8. My two sons have detention today. The same day, for different reasons. I found out at the last possible moment as they ran off to school. Sigh.
  9. I made new stuff last night for dinner. We had pork chops and scalloped potatoes, all in one dish recipe thing. I was hoping the pork would be tender and it was. I have never made this before, even though I've wanted to for a long time. The potatoes underneath the chops were so incredibly good, I was surprised. My husband took leftovers to work for lunch so I guess he liked it too! And the crescent rolls were new. It was a overnight--refrigerator recipe but worked just fine without doing that. I split the dough in half and rolled them into circles. Cut them like a pizza and rolled each one up. I hate rolling dough, always have I don't know why, but this was fun. I felt like suzy homemaker! And they were heavenly. So glad it made two dozen, now I have leftovers in my freezer.

My big thing this week has been this: The last warm day we had I was looking for my capris and happened to come across a size 22/24 pair that my sister gave me. I have never been able to even get them past my thighs. Hmmmmmmmm I thought. I held them up to myself and thought hmmmmmmm. Aaaaaaaaaand they fit. Tight but not exploding. I am still surprised and hugging myself. And my sweaters are all stretched out at the hem and look funny. I am so thrilled to be wearing my old stuff and having it all be big on me. But still the hems are super stretched out. And weirdly enough, I still can't fit into size 26 zipup jeans at walmart. Which broke my heart btw. I thought 'gee after losing 51 pounds I will definitely be able to buy a pair of size 26 jeans with a zipper to wear' but no. It's my stomach. They fit around my rear just fine but it's my big ole tummy. Hard to be patient! The capris and pants I wear now have no zippers. Just elastic waists like my grandmother wears.
So I guess that's it for my week. Keep up the good fight my friends.

Saturday, September 19, 2009

Day 124--4 month anniversary woooot and another list? Awesome Possum! AND it's National Talk Like a Pirate Day!!!

So now don't freak out that I actually posted two days in a row. But today is a special day. Four months ago, on May 19th, I decided again to lose weight and this time it was different. I found this amazing core of steel inside me that has kept me heading in the right direction. I pondered for ages why it was different this time and I came up with this simple reason: I get to eat what I like. There are many people out there who completely change how and what they eat and it works for them but it never has for me. I so love all the 'bad' stuff: chocolate, pizza, bacon and eggs, hot dogs, biscuits and gravy......I could go on forever. When someone says they are on a diet you immediately think of cottage cheese and carrots and fat free this and sugar free that. Well guess what. I'm not on a diet! Whenever I've 'dieted' before, it was just this temporary thing and I would comfort myself that someday I would be able to eat 'normal' and go back to how I ate before. I would struggle against temptation, wanting all kinds of 'forbidden' things, fixing my food separately from everyone else's, sneaking food so nobody would see that I was 'cheating' on my diet. Wouldn't take long before that diet was tossed, like all the ones before. Sometimes I lasted more than one day. Twice I lasted for a couple of months, but then out went the diet and in came the food and the pounds and even MORE pounds to punish me for daring to change myself. I've heard people complain my whole life about how awful it is to count calories. They hate it. Blah blah. So I never did it. I did the fat free diet. I took Metabolife. I went to Weigh Down. I joined a gym and exercised every day for 3 months but never lost one pound. I secretly bought weight loss pills at WalMart but they did diddly squat for me, my appetite never changed! I wanted something that would make me not hungry for food. I didn't realize that I wasn't hungry for FOOD. I'm hugging myself today because my life is so different than it was 4 months ago.

~~~~~~~~How My Life Is Different~~~~~~~~~
  • First off, I am 51 pounds lighter.
  • Going up and down the stairs is so much easier
  • Doing menial tasks around the house doesn't exhaust me.
  • Taking a shower doesn't cause me to get out of breath
  • I can reach parts of my body to wash and dry that I couldn't before
  • All my clothes are looooooooooooose to the extreme. It would be wonderful if they were falling off of me but that will come in time. And I look good (to myself) in all of them!
  • I actually enjoy looking at myself in the mirror, and I smile at myself.
  • My smile has changed. My lips used to look like skinny pale lines against my very puffy face. Now they look normal and wonderful and I love my smile.
  • I can walk for a super long time, at least 2.5 miles, and it's not a struggle. And trips to WalMart? I don't sit exhausted in my car when I'm done with some donuts to give me strength. Man when I went on my first walk I went only a couple of blocks and had to stop a few times for breath.
  • My life was so awful, and had been for a while. I would ask myself 'what's wrong with me!' Well there was something wrong with me. That black cloud that had followed me for years and years? The hatred of myself and others, the discouragement and despair and despondency? The mask I would wear when I was 'on' for other people? Depression. Me, the happy cheerful smiley one. So that is being treated with AD and this is weird I know but I'm so glad there really was something wrong, that it wasn't all just in my head, that I wasn't just a loser and a failure.
  • I look forward to each day.
  • I fit in chairs. I want to go to a movie so I can see how I fit in those chairs. I know I can do booths now. Ooo I want to try one of those fixed swivel chairs at McDonald's some day that I have never ever dared try maybe I'll do it someday when nobody is looking if I ever go to McD's.
  • My husband says I'm not as grumpy as I was before. Pfft. Men.
  • getting down on the floor and looking under the bed for something then getting back UP was something I made my kids do because there was no way on earth I was going to be able to get back UP after getting DOWN on the floor. Well now I get down! And up! I just looked under my bed for a library book that had gone missing and it didn't kill me to be on my knees and I got up quite easily compared to before. Incredible.
  • I have no guilt about what I eat or how much I eat or when I eat because I have 1500 calories a day and I eat exactly what I want within that limit. Today I had peanut butter captain crunch and orange juice for breakfast. YUMALICIOUS. For lunch I might have half a pizza, or a bologna sandwich with au gratin potato chips. For dinner I'm making creamed chicken and biscuits. All delicious, tasty, seasoned with salt and FAT everywhere. But it tastes good and I love it and enjoy it so much knowing that I am still losing weight. Watching my portion sizes, measuring and weighing my food, counting calories, it's so easy and empowering.
~~~~~~Back to my Blathering~~~~~~~~

Okay I told my husband today that I was taking Wellbutrin. He hasn't known at all because he has always said taking AD was a copout. So he wasn't mad. I told him no matter what I was going to keep taking them, even if he wanted me to stop. He said 'maybe I should go get on them too'. Well knock me over with a feather! He is the most depressed discouraged negative person I have ever met. I have wanted him to get on AD for years. I really really hope he does this.
So there you have it folks. Four months have wrought much change in my heart and life. What will the next four months bring?
I have had emails from people asking me to write down what I eat everyday. Folks have asked for more details about my method of weight loss. So here it is people:

Eat 1500 calories a day of whatever you want
Take a walk

And there it is.
Oh. And one other change in my life. I started this blog and have met the most incredible people through it. All of you, my readers and fellow bloggers, have helped me and changed me. This has been the best year of my life. Big Zaa hugs to everyone!
Today be Talk Like a Scurvy Pirate Day! Throw some arrrrgs and mateys in your conversations! Tell yer wife to get back into the galley! Answer the phone with an Ahoy Matey! Here is the official website you scurvy bilge rats!
And there ye go. Enjoy you bilge sucking land lubbers!

Friday, September 18, 2009

Day 123--Weigh Day, a kind of list, and a story. Everyone likes stories!

I keep marvelling over what day I am on in my journey. Day 123! Incredible! Today I got dressed in a cute blue top that I haven't worn in AGES because it looked ridiculous on me, so small. But today it fits great and is actually a little loose around the waist and I can't believe I just typed that! Me! Having something that is loose around my waist. What is this world coming to!
So this morning after I got dressed and preened in front of the mirror, I walked up to Main Street to weigh at the clinic. I have lost 3 more pounds for a total of 51 pounds lost! I weigh 305 and I am so blown away by it all. (besides preening, I also took the time to put on mascara and earrings. That is a big deal because I never used to care about what I looked like. I was a huge whale, slapping some makeup and jewelry on me didn't make one bit of difference. I am so glad I don't feel that way anymore)
I've been thinking lately about the threat of gaining all the weight back, the horror we all hope will never darken our doors. It is a real threat. It happens a whole lot from what I read. How does one go from caring to not caring? I try not to be impatient about my weight loss going slower than I would like. I have been talking to myself a lot (not in a weird way) and not being down on myself and not being angry with myself but really emphasizing the positives.
  • This strength I have? the strength that I thought I didn't have? I had it all along
  • I have made it through the depression. Interesting thing about the anti-depressants: I always thought they would make me tralala happy and drugged and what a shock to find out they don't work that way. I am pleased to find that they're like putting on a pair of glasses--I see everything clearly. I don't know how else to describe it.
  • This consistency I have? the consistency that I thought I didn't have? I had it all along. Not giving up was the only thing I needed to do and poof I'm consistent. Weird.
  • I am funny, smart, witty, charming, and--dare I say it--cute. (okay okay let me have this moment)
  • I have lived with criticism for so long it has gotten under my skin. So now when the critical voices in my head go off I shut them up. Really they are quite annoying.
  • When things would go bad between my hubby and me I would quickly go down the spiral slide into the depths of despair. Now I stop myself at the top and I don't go down there. I really love this the most I think.
  • I have raised 8 kids, homeschooled for 10 years, homebirthed 5 of them with a midwife, had 2 in diapers several times, nursed 2 at a time for many years (seriously when they're as close together as mine were I didn't care if my baby nursed while I was pregnant. and it really helped when my milk came in for the new baby!). My babies were always clean, in clean clothes, well fed, happy. We went to church no matter what. I taught them all to walk, talk, feed themselves, to be polite, kind, fun, (you have to take the party with you, then you don't wait to be entertained). I pretty much rule as a Mom.
  • I have put up with more crud in a marriage in one lifetime than you'd ever think possible. And I'm still here. I am making it out to the other side. Someday I will have the courage to do something about it.
Still walking, still eating 1500 calories. I'm thinking of making up a small business card looking card with my website on it to give to people when I talk to them about what I'm doing. Who can remember a website unless its written down? mine is long. http://zaaisshrinking.blogspot.com/
And folks always say 'who is Zaa?'. Hard leading a double life folks. Hard.
So the kids are home today. I'm cooking 2 pots of chicken breasts with onion and celery so I can shred them for future meals and all the kids are saying 'what smells!' Har. I tell them what I'm doing then they say 'We're not having that for dinner are we?!' Yes kids, I am going to make something vile and disgusting and you have to eat it all. Because thats my job.

***********A long time ago in a country far away*********
The Captain of the Queen's Forces walked quickly into the throne room, ignoring all, intent on one thing. Every soldier snapped to attention and saluted as he zoomed by. Making his way to the throne, he kneeled and waited to be recognized by his Queen.
Queen Fatocatra: (lolling listlessly in her throne, sighing and looking broodily out over the room) What is it Captain.
Captain Valiant: My Queen, we are making excellent progress in our plans, why have you not sent us our orders?!
Queen Fat: Oh, I don't know. I'm just getting tired of this stupid war. I can't do as I please!
Captain Valiant: We must keep pressing forward or we will lose all the ground we have gained!
Queen Fatocat: (rolling her eyes) Oh come now, it's not that bad is it? If we ease up a little then I can go riding in the forest instead of trapped inside this horrid castle!
Captain Valiant: My Queen I must speak to you privately. Send everyone away.
Queen: Leave me, all of you.
When the room settled into quiet, the Captain turned his gaze upon the Queen. She had her chin in her hand, and played with the end of one of her tassles, sighing deeply.
Captain: My Lady, we must have our orders! The men are growing restless and there is talk of desertion! Have you changed your mind about the conquest of the people of Gargantuana?
Fatocatra: (shrugged) I grow bored and weary of it all. This day in and day out tedium is maddening! Everyday the same old thing. I want things to be the way they used to be! I loved my life then!
Valiant: My Queen you hated your self and everything around you! When you discovered spies from the city of Hugeness you immediately ordered a counter attack and we are winning! We are winning!
Fatocatra: (pouting petulantly) Oh I don't know, it wasn't that bad was it? It's just so hard! The people are complaining, I am tired, and I also received an urgent communication from my brother telling me that it is all pointless! (she slumped dramatically on her throne)
Captain Valiant: Here, My Lady, let me remind you of two of our greatest heroes. Do you remember High Warlord Sean?
Fat: Sean? What kind of a name is that?
Valiant: He struggled against great odds, fighting every foe that crossed his path that would keep him from his victory, and never gave up. Never. His slender statue in the courtyard is a constant reminder to us all that we should press on.
Fatocatra: It seems I do remember this story now.
Valiant: And what about Emperess Diane, who not only won her battle but has successfully fought off all invasion attempts for many years! The Fountain Diane, set in a peaceful glade within the city walls, brings peace and joy to all and encourages us daily with its bubbling waters. These two have gone down in history because of their mighty deeds. And there are many more who have come before! Queen Fatocatra, you must not yield to your inner doubts! We can defeat our mortal enemy--together!
Fatocatra: (Standing tall and proud) Captain, your words have woken me from my apathetic apatheticness. We shall boldly go on, beating down every foe, until the land of Gargantuana is defeated! And Captain, I am giving you a raise.
Valiant: It's all I ever wanted.
This is what happens when I walk alone. You must all suffer! I made this story up this week.
And freak out of freak outs--I have 55 followers. Suckers!
Have a good day everyone, and never give up. Ever.

Sunday, September 13, 2009

Day 118--You never knew I could be so longwinded

She helplessly stands by
It's meaningless to try
All she wants to do is cry
No one ever knew she was so sad

Cause even though she gets so high
And thinks that she can fly
She will fall out of the sky

That used to be me. I used to live in a constant state of despair about my size. Several times I grew desperate enough to try anything and went on a diet. Out would go the chips, sweets, chocolate, pizza, anything deemed bad by the food police. In would come salads with fat free dressing, baked chicken breasts, vegetables and fruits and sugar free drinks. All different than what the rest of my family ate. And if I even lasted one day on my new way of eating it was a miracle. I just could not live that way. I went back to my old way of eating, comforting myself with the food but hating myself even more. What a failure I felt I was. This was my life--until May 19th.
I really cannot describe what made the difference in my heart. One day I was depressed discouraged down full of doom and the next? Completely opposite. I was so sick and tired of being fat. I looked puffy, like someone could prick me with a pin and I would deflate. I couldn't fit into the largest size at WalMart and Lane Bryant and would have to buy clothes online, which I never did do. Everywhere I went I was the fattest person there except for once in a blue moon when I could comfort myself that this huge gargantuan person in a motorized scooter at WM was bigger than me. I was tired all the time but couldn't sleep well. I woke up constantly during the night. I had intestinal difficulties pretty much everyday. I hated my clothes, my shoes, my hair, the way I looked in lipstick--hideous because my lips appeared so little next to my fat cheeks--so I never even wore lipstick, just mascara. If I wore more than that I looked like a clown, a big fat clown. Sex was awkward and difficult because of my size and very large stomach. We had sex maybe once every few years. And yet I thought about sex constantly. I know I had to be an embarrassment to my family but they never said anything and still don't about my size. Except for my Dad. And when he would say something I would tell him 'Don't worry Dad, I'm on a diet right now and I've already lost 10 pounds!!!' Ugh I just hated if someone brought up the unspeakable--I was morbidly obese. It wouldn't have helped if they did. I hated stairs and didn't go upstairs in my own home unless I absolutely HAD TO. The stairs at church were pure hell. (I think I made a funny) Putting on a seat belt was so incredibly difficult. They were always stretched to the outer limits except for the times when they didn't fit at all. The back seat of my Dad's car was where I rode, sweetly letting my sister have shotgun, because I couldn't fit in that belt, or the back seat one, but my Dad couldn't see me there. I always had to scope out the seating everywhere I went, to make sure I sat in a very large chair that was extremely sturdy looking. If I couldn't, I stood. Or wandered around, wishing with all my heart that I could sit down because hauling 356 pounds around is strenuous! I broke chairs. I broke a metal rocking chair, one of those old school ones you know? at my brother in law's house and I can still see his face when he picked up the pieces I was completely and totally mortified. I still am. I couldn't sit at a picnic table with my children because I once tipped a picnic table when I innocently tried to sit down at one without realising that I had gained enough weight to actually be too big for one. You can imagine the screams and horror when that happened. I was completely and totally mortified. My husband told me that he didn't want to have sex because I was sexually unattractive. That bit. Hard.
And yet, now as I look back, I needed to hear that. I needed someone to say WAKE UP FOR GOD'S SAKE LOOK AT YOURSELF YOU ARE SUPER DUPER FAT YOU HAVE TO DO SOMETHING. I needed that kick in the pants because one week later, I decided that enough was enough and I was doing it for real. And I have never looked back.
I never struggle with horrid temptations for food I can't have because I can eat whatever I want. Albeit portioned. I refuse to go over my 1500 calorie limit. I walk every day that I possibly can. I am actually losing the weight for ME and not for someone else. Nobody really cares. Except for me. And I am still flummoxed (I have always wanted to use that word) that it actually works! I thought it would be so hard, difficult, complicated, agony, torture. And it isn't. It is extremely simple and easy and fun to lose weight. I never thought I would feel that way. I am on a quest for my lifetime happiness and loving every single minute of it.
When I put makeup on I marvel at how my face is thinning, and my neck.
When I get dressed I pose in front of the mirror and look at myself from all different angles, enjoying the new look of my old clothes as they hang on me.
When I get in the car I am filled with wonder that my stomach doesn't press into the steering wheel so hard that it affects my driving. And my seat belt has lots of extra belt.
When I want chocolate I get something chocolate.
When I want pizza I eat it.
I live without guilt and fear.
I look forward to each new day with joy and confidence because I know that I am losing weight.

I know that someday-----someday-------
I will be a runner
I will walk into WalMart, take a pair of size 12 jeans off the rack, and when I try them on I look just fine.
I will kneel and squat and get down on the floor and back up with ease
I will go swimming and to amusement parks
I will play frisbee with my kids without worrying I will trip and fall and kill myself
I will ride a bike and not look ridiculous even though fat bottomed girls make the world go round
I will fit everywhere better--booths, movie theaters, cars, lawn chairs, chairs in public places such as doctors and dentists, swinging porch benches
I will be able to hold my guitar close to my body
I won't always think 'that person doesn't like me because I'm fat' or 'that person isn't looking at me in the eyes because I'm fat' I will realize they are just jerks
I will boldly meet people, knowing that I don't look like a hideous freak but a nice, normal person

How I want that normal life. My mother (miss you Mom) always said if you want something bad enough you'll find a way to get it. And she was right. I never wanted to lose weight enough to give up food for it! I mean come on! Chocolate cake, Pizza Hut, hotdogs, french fries, absolutely anything I bake, homemade rolls, tacos, Oreo ice cream dessert! I just couldn't imagine a life without those things. I thought you couldn't lose weight unless you gave up everything you loved. Oh how wrong I was, and how thrilled I am to have finally learned the truth. You can eat whatever you want in portioned amounts. Moderation is the key. I can eat salads or junk, it's my own personal preference.
I am not alone. I know there are many people in this world who struggle bitterly with their weight. If there is one memorable thing I do in my life besides having 8 children I want it to be that someone else was changed by my story.
As you can see I have had many deep thoughts today. This blog is a chronicle of a pivotal time in my life. Every time I read back through my posts I am filled with awe that I wrote all that. In many ways I have changed and others not. I discovered that I really did have something wrong with me--that black cloud that had followed me for years was depression--and I was able to begin taking Wellbutrin. I am finding out that Zaa is a pretty great person, with strength and determination. I have finally achieved what I have wanted my whole life. Consistency. I have also met many incredible people through this blog, people just like me. I love you guys.

Today has just been the longest day. We overslept and didn't make it to church this morning and then we took a nap in the afternoon and overslept and didn't make it to church tonight either. This morning when I did finally wake up I had a headache and then proceeded to have that headache for the entire freaking day. The whole day has been dreary and boring. I made frozen pizza for dinner and rejoiced in the fact that my portion filled me up. Filled. Me. Up. I had a Hostess chocolate cupcake for 180 calories and rejoiced in the fact that I had the calories for it and enjoyed every single bite. I fixed one of the computers that SOMEONE messed up, cleaning the trojans and it works just fine and I don't have to come crawling to my Dad again with another one of my computers again asking him to fix it again because I can't. Again. I had a strawberry slushie guilt free because I had the calories for it and it was yum. I also had the prerequisite brain freezes.
Tomorrow is Monday, glorious Monday. But sadly two of my kiddos are complaining of feeling sick so it might not be so glorious if they stay home. This creeping crud is slowly making its way through my family.
My daughter turns 18 next week and is getting her nose pierced (!) and her hair colored. She keeps telling me I have to go with her to watch her get her nose pierced and I am so totally freaking out. You can't do that at WalMart. You have to go to some hip place where I am easily 3 times the size of everyone else there. Not looking forward to it. And if there's blood I will die I know it. She wants me to get my hair colored at the same time she does and I told her I wanted that to be my reward when I finally got below 300 but I think I might go ahead and do it then. I really freaking hate my hair.
My family and sister and Dad know about this blog, but I haven't told anyone else I know. So in a small way I am anonymous because the only person I personally know who reads this blog is my sis. I haven't said anything in Facebook. And no, don't go looking for Zaababy on facebook she is not there. As Zaababy.
Have a great day friends.

Friday, September 11, 2009

Day 116--Oh this post is just FILLED with exciting informational moments. And pictures! And lists!

You know, it's just incredible that I am typing 'Day 116'. I have never done anything like this in my entire life except when I quit smoking 17 years ago. And I was so scared when I started on May 19th that I would fail, quit, throw it all away. Here I am going strong. Weird.
So yesterday I tried on all my sweatshirts and sweaters and THEY ARE ALL LOOSE yeah you read that right they are ALL LOOSE. I was dancing around my room with a heart full of joy. Everything looks so different on me! Last winter everything was T-I-G-H-T to the extreme. My gray sweater that I wore all winter(instead of a coat because my only coat is this gargantuan red calf length that screams EVERYONE LOOK AT THIS HUGE WOMAN) is big on me. Let me just cut this short and state that everything I own is big on me. A few things look TOO big. I smiled typing that. Who would have ever thought that Zaababy would have clothes that were too big for her? I have worn the same stained, torn, worn clothes for years. I have hated them all. Now when I get dressed in the morning it is so fun seeing myself in the mirror, checking to see how stuff fits different today. A big milestone will be passed when I can wear pants with a zipper in them.
Another milestone will be passed when I lose 8 more pounds. Technically 9. That will bring me to 299 pounds. I haven't weighed below 300 pounds for 10 years. I know it will happen this month. I hope it will.
The first weekend in October I am going on a woman's retreat with my sister and a bunch of women from her church. We are taking a bus. Zaa on a bus is not a pretty sight.
  1. the bus bounces. a lot. which makes my womanly charms bounce. a lot.
  2. the seats are super teeny. Zaa takes up an entire seat. How am I going to share? And they are so close together!
  3. the center aisle is so narrow it's ridiculous. who designed these buses? munchkins?
I was so hoping in a very optimistic fashion that I would have lost oodles and oodles of weight by now and would be svelte and stunning. What a shock to discover that the right way to lose weight is just the way I am doing it: slow and steady wins the race. What I wanted was to lose a whopping amount every single day. Come on, I still have 150 pounds to go, I should lose more than everyone else faster! I might have lost 60 pounds by the retreat.
Oh and I have decided something. I am NOT going to say anything about my weight loss unless someone else says something first. Because it is so humiliating to tell people I have lost 48 pounds and they say 'Oh Congratulations that's wonderful!' but see they didn't notice it because when you have a lot to lose 48 pounds is a drop in the bucket. So then they're secretly looking at me all over trying to figure out where that weight came from because I don't look any different to them. Oh it's mortifying and makes me squirm just typing it all. But I actually did have a friend tell me she sees me walking everyday and can tell I look different. I told HER how much I lost and she said 'from the walking?' and I said no, from eating no more than 1500 calories a day. The walking is just icing on the cake, so to speak. I explained this incredibly complex deduction that I deduced ALL ON MY OWN:
  • You can lose weight by eating less
  • You can lose weight by eating less and exercising
  • You can NOT lose weight by exercising alone
See how complicated that is? I told her how my friend and I walked everyday together and I limited my food intake and she didn't change one thing and I've lost almost 50 pounds and my friend has lost NOTHING NADA NOT ONE TINY OUNCE. And then I floated on the rest of my walk because someone not related to me noticed that I was losing weight without me saying anything!
My daughter Bekah is home for the second day in a row with a horrible sickness cold thing that is evidently going around the entire nation.
yes that is her with kleenexes in her nose like a cork. I was laughing hysterically when this pic was being taken. Love you Bekah Boo Baby!
There must always be a little rain with the sunshine right? Last night as I was eating my low calorie sensible dinner I broke a small piece off my right back lower molar. Let me just say that I hate going to the dentist. No, I despise the dentist. It takes me at LEAST two shots to get me numb and sometimes 3. Probably because I have extremely fat gums or something and the numbing stuff doesn't numb fat? Who knows. Well anyways, I'm always scared that I'm going to be sitting trustingly in the horrid chair and the dentist will be drilling merrily away when all of a sudden WANG I'll feel it all and hit the ceiling screaming with pain. So I end up as stiff as a board with my hands gripping the arm rests for dear life not being able to relax at all because I'm sure it'll hurt I'm sure I'm sure. And it doesn't but my face ends up being so numb I'm drooling out of the side of my mouth for the rest of the day and I can't feel it because my face is numb. Sigh. Pity me? Please?
And this is for Sean my buddy over at http://losingweighteveryday.blogspot.com/ If you have never read his blog you are missing out my friends. His was one of the very first weight loss blogs I found when I started and I patterned myself after him. Incredible guy!
Sometimes he just needs my help desperately.
***Tutorial for Sean*************

For many men, the body of a dress shirt is considerably wider than their actual body sillhouette. Nothing looks worse than a well-dressed man with a messy-looking shirt tucking -- bunched up in the back and uneven. There are steps to correctly tucking a shirt tail just as there are steps to making a correct Windsor knot in a tie.

Start with trousers open and unzipped, slid down to the hips, with legs spread apart to keep them up. Button shirt in the front, all the way down, then smooth the excess fabric to the back sides amd grasp it on either side, making a pleat, as in Picture #1.

In Picture #2, thumbs are holding the pleat down and fingers are curved out, ready to grab the trouser waist.
In Picture #3, while using back of hands to hold pleats in place, gently ease the trousers up over the pleated shirt tail
Picture #4 illustrates the completely smooth back of the shirt tucked into the trousers -- VERY professional looking.
Picture #5 shows the placket of the shirt front lined up with the fly front of the trousers.
Picture #6 shows the buckle of the belt lined up with the placket and fly front. PERFECT!
This takes a little practice but is WELL worth the effort for a clean, lean, professional look.

And there you go Sean. You are now ready to tuck in front of hundreds, nay THOUSANDS of future fans.
*************End of Tutorial*********************************

Oh I had a couple of emails asking me about my foot so I'll update about my foot since I haven't talked about my foot for a few weeks. It just doesn't hurt anymore which is why I have forgotten to talk about my foot. Remember how it hurt super bad and I figured out my arches had fallen even though they looked normal to me? When I started walking 5 miles a day you would have thought my foot would have screamed in outrage and hurt all the more but thats when it stopped hurting so go figure. I think I mentioned my foot enough to make everyone happy.
And so it goes. Everyday plugging away at the same old walking, the same old eating wisely, the same old smart choices. It's that consistency that has eluded me for so many years. I think there is only so much consistency in the world and someone must have stopped using theirs and now I have it. Now if I could just apply it to my laundry.
Love you guys. Be good and make wise choices.
And because I love Peter Quincy Taggert with all my heart I leave you with this.

Never give up, never surrender.
Because that's the secret to it all.

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Day 114 in a top secret location

*********Meanwhile, in a much nicer smelling room**********
Zaababy, her violet cape with a fancy Z trailing behind her, dashes into the secret fat cave entrance. She ran up to a woman perched high on a throne and knelt before her.
Diane the Fit: Zaababy, you have returned quickly from your mission. What did you find?
Zaababy: Through many dangers, toils and troubles I made my way to the secret meeting spot that Bonny Bonnie discovered. I flew around and tried to peer into the windows, but they were darkened and sealed tightly. I couldn't even hear anything!
Diane the Fit: Were you able to determine if all were in attendance?
Zaababy: I saw all six of them arrive My Queen.
Pizza Lisa: Will we ever find out what they're up to!!! My eyes are about to fall out of their sockets from reading everything those men are writing.
Daring Dani glanced around the round table that was loaded with yogurt cups, diet soda and air popped popcorn. Super Spunk was passing around all kinds of disgustingly healthy foods that noone had ever seen before.
Dani: Surely there must be some way we can find out their plans! Those fiends can't have all the glory!
Bonny Bonnie: Why do we have to find out what they're up to? It's probably some silly boy thing having to do with passing gas and burping.
Zaababy: You know that those not with us are against us! I just can't believe I failed! I didn't even find out who that TOM is that Pizza Lisa warned me about!
Zaababy slammed her fist into the table, looking rather impressive but not even shaking one drop of Sprite Zero onto the table. Strength training Zaa!
Diane the Fit: Ladies! If the League refuses to team up with us in our sworn battle against Fatty McFatfat, then we have no choice but to go it alone. But my super secret sources have informed me that they are banding together in a fight of their own. Maybe against an enemy more dastardly than Fatty McFatfat!
Gasps fill the cave. Many voices rose together in horror. Then one strong voice rose above the others.
Super Spunk spoke in a firm tone: We must not think that they fight against us or against a different foe. We all fight the same enemy no matter what the name. Who wants an ezekiel tortilla with eggwhites and 30 g of cheese? I have plenty here.
Diane the Fit: Sounds good. Ladies, let's adjourn our meeting and eat this incredibly healthy meal that Suzi Spunk has put together for us. And we will keep working towards our goal of discovering anything, anything at all about the Extraordinary League of Fat Men!
Much talk, laughter and camaraderie ensued. The Superheroes slowly left the Fat Cave in twos and threes, leaping, flying, and running like lightning to their separate homes.
As Zaababy leaped high into the air like a bird, she cried out: Happy Thinness to all, and to all a Basket of Fruit
*******We return you to your regularly scheduled blog********

Friday, September 4, 2009

Day 109--Weigh Day and a lunch out

Day 109 and things are still cooking for Zaa. It's raining to beat the band here, so I actually drove the 2 blocks to the clinic to weigh this morning. I seriously don't know why I'm freaked to weigh. I guess I think my body will all of a sudden decide that what I'm doing just doesn't work, because I can hardly believe it myself. So with trepidation I hopped on without much further ado and I have lost 7 more pounds for a total of 48 pounds lost, I weigh 308! I tell you what, I never thought in my whole life that I would ever be happy to weigh 308 pounds. But I am. Soon, soon, I will be below 300 for the first time in 10 years. I think that deserves something special, so I already have planned exactly how I'm going to celebrate that moment.

I am going to get my hair cut and the gray taken out.

This is a very big deal. I never ever get my hair colored. Ever. It's a dark golden color, and when I first started getting gray hairs it looked kind of cool, tigerish. Well now there's too much gray. I looked at myself in my car mirror with the sun shining on my head and heavens to betsy there's a ton of it! And I got a horrible hair cut from a friend who owns a shop several months ago and it has grown out hideously. I keep it in a pony tail. If I let it down it has no shape whatsoever and I hate it. So I am very excited about this!

I am starting to get blown away by my weight loss. It was a difficult journey gaining all that weight and topping out at 356 pounds. I never in a million years thought I would ever lose weight. Ever. I was lost, floundering, struggling, sad. All of the diets I read about looked so strict or difficult and I know myself! I know that inconsistent is my middle name. I can't deny myself stuff! I love chocolate and pizza and mexican food and I love the FULLFAT versions of those. (My husband has forbidden me to ever serve him a fat free hotdog again.) Those diets looked like pure d torture. I toyed with lap band surgery but it helps to have no money to pay for it. I thought I was doomed to continue effortlessly gaining weight until I was hideous. If you had told me a year ago, 6 months ago, that I would be where I am now, I would have laughed you out of the house. How wonderfully easy, and fun, to lose weight this old fashioned way.

My secret you ask?
I would love to tell you my super secret weight loss method! And at no obligation to you!
Are you ready?
Ready to be blown away?
Are you prepared for the simplest, virtually free way to become slim?
I eat exactly what I want and walk everyday.
Now before you get all excited let me clarify. I eat 1500 calories of whatever I want.
Each day.
And I walk.
Each day.
So if I want anything anything anything under the sun, I eat it, but I count the calories towards my total of 1500.
When I started walking I could only go around a couple of blocks. Now I can walk 5 miles a day and have started running during those walks whenever noone is around me and I am on a deserted section of the road. I seriously do not want other people to see my bosom flying up and hitting me in the face while I run.
Are you ready to join me on my journey to health and normality?
You can start today!

Today I am going out to lunch to celebrate a friend's birthday. But first I believe I will make up a crockpot of chili to simmer all afternoon. It's a cold rainy day, perfect!
Yesterday when I walked my daughter to school in the morning, I brought one of my dogs on a leash. Laddie. He doesn't have much experience walking on a leash so it was tough. He pulled so much at first, pretty much choking himself. About halfway home he stopped and did great. And THEN I exchanged him for Sandy. Now Laddie is a sheltie. Sandy is a big yellowish brown dog who is extremely strong. And strongminded. I took her for the other half of my walk and I kept the leash very short. She pulled against it so much but I persevered and by the time we got home the leash was slack pretty much of the time. Or should I say she strained forward, like she was walking ME. They need the exercise too.

***********More Signs that Zaa is losing***********
  • I can step up onto the front porch without using the stairs.
  • I have a waist. A waist!
  • I can see my ear lobes when I look at myself in the mirror. Which I do a lot because I love to see how my face looks different when I smile.
  • When I sit in my daughter's computer chair my fat thighs do not ooze out of the sides. I am completely contained! She is the one who brought that to my attention.
  • When I took my walk 3 days ago this little dog came running out and I was petting him and this tall good lookin guy came off the front porch to stop his dog from bothering me. And he flirted with me. Do you know how long it has been since a member of the opposite sex has even looked at me with interest? I could not believe that was happening to me. Me! I've been floating all week on this. Shhh don't tell my husband. And after only 48 pounds! What will it be like at 148 pounds!
**************That's it***************

Well I'm off to shower and change and look at myself in the mirror. I'm going to have fun today.
Later gators!

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Day 106--more blathering on running and food and snoring but it's all clever so read it

Good days. Very cool and breezy. The humidity has hit the high road. For the moment. I've been incorporating running into every evening walk now. Now, it's not running like you see OTHER people running. I'll walk for about 5 minutes, then I am at the school. Which is deserted (I really really really hope that there is nobody in there). And I'll run from one no parking sign to the next. And oh the gasping for air, the lungs on fire, the heaving and panting that occurs! So about 5 sprints, I would say? And then I sit on some stairs because my legs are all weak and trembly and dang they also hurt. I finish the rest of my walk with shaky legs. And did I mention that my legs are super sore? The fronts of my thighs and my shins. They'll hurt all night and when I wake up in the morning I'm fine. Now is that weird or what? I hope that it's okay that I'm doing this. I am not going around asking people's opinions on whether I should start running or not. I figure if I CAN run, then I SHOULD. Does that make sense?
One good thing: I don't walk with my friend anymore. Now that I am a runner (does that look cool in print or what!) I don't want to just walk, and she does, so that solves my problem! I was really worried about how I could 'break up' with her so to speak from our evening walks. I am just so tired of the non supportive attitude and words from her.
I've had 4 meals where I ate out in the past week. Twice at Taco Bell, once at McDonald's and once at a truck stop up the highway that has the BEST FOOD IN THE ENTIRE WORLD. So of course I am freaking out when those moments happen because I'm afraid I will morph into this huge pig and eat eat eat. Then I calmly tell myself to mellow out and just count the dang calories and deal. So I can proudly say I haven't gone over 1500 calories all week. I am a bit scared, yes scared, to go into the evening with not many calories. I shouldn't feel that way, now that I go to bed at 9. I have to learn sometime how to eat out. I have my trusty little calorie book with me that I got at WalMart so I'm pretty much good to go. It's so odd only drinking water instead of having a Dr. Pepper or Root Beer. I refuse to blow my calories on that stuff.
I made no bake cookies yesterday and was completely drooling to have one and I did and then forgot all about them. Is that weird or what? It hit this spot inside me and then I moved on. So I guess I have discovered something. When I get an intense craving for something, like chocolate or pizza or whatever, go ahead and eat it and count the calories into my day. I am eating no where near the amounts that I used to. Funny how one cookie satisfies fully and I used to eat several and never felt satisfied.
I think that's why people don't want to eat less, they're afraid it won't be enough. Like me! I fix my plate for dinner and I look at it and inside I think 'There is no way on earth this is going to be enough food because I am super starving and I am going to go over my calories I know!'. And then I eat it and I can't even finish it because I'm full. Every time. My mind and body are not in sync yet!
I haven't goofed up yet. But someday I will. I mean come on, I am not perfect. I need to get over my fear that one mistake is going to make me regain all the weight I lost. I need to just never stop, never give up.
Last night I didn't sleep well because of my aching legs so I was grumpy this morning. Which never happens. But dangit it was my turn! Everybody else is grumpy all the time and I am the cheerful one.
I got dressed this morning in a shirt I've worn for years. It's one I can wear with a skirt and look dressy or jeans and look casual. And I just flat out look different in it! My hips are not as wide and the shirt fits so different. I am starting to be quite the mirror junkie. I can't get enough of looking at my new self. Through many difficult mathematical processes I discovered that I am 1/5 of the way through my journey. I look so different already. What am I going to look like with 80 pounds lost? 120? My next big goal is to get below 300. I haven't been below 300 in over 10 years. I'm hoping that by the end of September I will have hit that goal. I'm going on a women's retreat with my sister the first weekend of October and I am so nervous. I really had hoped I would be a lot slenderer. There is nothing worse than not fitting places. We're going on a bus. Zaababy does not fit into bus seats. There will be restaurants and sharing a room with 3 other ladies and it just freaks me out. My fat is always right out there in everyone's faces. I don't want it to be that way anymore! I want to sleep on a bed and only take up my half and not spread onto the other half. I want to sit in a chair at a restaurant and the person sitting behind me has plenty of room and isn't jammed against their table because I'm so huge. I want to throw on a swimsuit and grab a towel and swim or sit in a hot tub (I have never in my life sat in a hot tub) and not worry that everyone is thinking how whale like I look. I need to be happy and thankful for what I have lost so far and stop being so critical of myself. At least one good thing. I don't snore anymore. It used to be so INCREDIBLY HORRIBLE. That is the thing about my weight that believe it or not bothers me the most. The snoring. The incredibly loud, obnoxious snoring. My kids have said they could tape it so I could hear it but I said no I do NOT want to hear what I sound like. I mean come on, I can't stop it so why torture myself? It's bad enough that the kids can hear me UP THE STAIRS IN THEIR BEDROOMS. That my husband would leave our bed and go sleep somewhere else because he couldn't sleep. Snoring like that is the most embarrassing thing that has happened to me in a long time. How can people be mad at you for something you aren't even aware you are doing? My husband snores and I just reach over and jiggle him and he turns over. So yay for Zaababy, the snoring is now history. And the women I will be rooming with don't even realise how lucky they are.
I am making everybody in the family take vitamins daily now. The kids have flintstone ones and my hubby has some men's health one I got at WalMart. And I didn't know this, but adults can take flintstone vitamins too! Weird. They had gummy ones but that sounded incredibly gross.
Chewables it is.
So that's about it for me. Life is good and I have much to be thankful for. I weigh on Friday.
Be good fellow weight loss superheroes!