Thursday, July 2, 2009

Post #22--Dang its hot and deeep thoughts and brownies and Grandma

Thursday, June 18, 2009

I have the most difficult time trying to come up with a clever title so everyone will want to read my blog!
Got up to 100 today and it's only June! Thank heaven for air conditioning.
Been doing fine on eating and walking.
For some reason the last few days I've been thinking a lot about the future. This whole 'I'm not on a diet I'm changing my lifestyle' thing is freeing yet freaky at the same time. In the many times I lost weight before, there was always this point in my mind where I knew I would be able to eat brownies and taco bell and chips from the bag and I would look forward to it. But now. Now I am doing something completely different than a diet. I am CHANGING MY LIFESTYLE. Which means I'm going to have to watch what I eat probably forever. Which means I'm going to have to get up off my hiney every single day and DO SOMETHING PHYSICAL. For the rest of my life.
Oh there's no pity here. I'm glad that things have 'clicked' for me and all. I look forward to weight melting away, new clothes, feeling light as a feather, etc. Just having a few pensive moments. I mean come on, I've lived my WHOLE LIFE caring about food: preparing it 3 times a day, being asked to bring food to potlucks or someone who is sick, making brownies and cookies and cakes and bread, planning meals weeks ahead so I can be ORGANIZED, I mean come on I am the food person in this house! And now I don't even make any sweets because I'm not sure how strong I would be around that stuff right now and I DO NOT EVEN want to find out!
And now I find myself randomly walking into the kitchen and looking for something to eat. I'm not hungry. More bored than anything. Food took up a lot of my time and now I seem to have more time on my hands.
I also used to snack while: watching dvds, reading, while cooking, sitting at the computer for some concentrated gaming time. It's like when you quit smoking, how you play with a straw or whatever, suck on hard candies, because for some reason those are comforting as you quit. Well no such thing exists for breaking an addiction to eating!
It's like I'm changing and I don't know who I'm going to be when I'm done.
My kids and I exercised with Denise Austin this morning and it really was fun. In an agonizingly painful way.
Also, I've walked everyday for a month and STILL not sleeping better, my feet still hurt, and it's HARD. Moving this weight around is HARD.
The one thing I miss is brownies. I have a family thing to go to on Sunday and I think I am going to make the most deeeeelicious pan to take up there and then I will have a teensy bit and I hope that will satisfy this wicked craving I have in my soul. See, everyone will eat them and they won't be HERE.
Thanks for the encouragement you all have been giving me.
One last sad thing: my Grandmother passed away this morning at the age of 90. She and my Grandpa were married for 72 years, he is still living. I wish she had seen me thin. Makes me more determined than ever to lose this burden I carry with me.
So Grandma, love you--and lucky you, getting to see my Mom and catching up on everything.

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