Thursday, July 23, 2009

Day 66--where Zaa has a few bad days

The last two days have been horrible. For some reason all those same depressing feelings have come back. All I'm doing is lying in bed, or on the computer or asking the kids to leave me alone. I just want to be alone and have nobody bug me. My sister suggested that either my dosage needs to be upped or this medication is not for me. I do NOT want to get on one that might hurt my weight loss. Tomorrow I weigh, get my blood pressure checked, I'm talking to my doctor about my stupid foot and my medicine.
My foot is contributing to this whole situation. I hurt it Friday night while walking. Yes, just walking, it started hurting and man does it hurt. On the top, up into the front of the ankle and around the outside. I have not walked 3 times this week because it hurts. I walked the other 3 times and though it hurt it wasn't that bad, and I limped to ease the pain. I'm sure I was quite the sight but I am determined to lose weight and I enjoy walking. I can't believe I like it so much. I have never been an outdoorsy person, even as a kid. I liked reading and playing the piano and hated going outside. I am still that way. I mean seriously, what am I going to do outside? I can't sit on any of the lawnchairs. I can't run and play frisbee with my kids. I can't swing on the swingset. So walking is getting me into the great outdoors and now I can't wait to be able to ride a bicycle.
My eating has been fine surprisingly. That's another thing. The last two days I was filled with the urge to eat and eat and not care about how many calories the stuff has. And I can't. I can't deceive myself anymore about that. But the desire is still there and I swear I do not know where it is coming from!
So pretty much, yeah, things have been hard. And then guess what I did? Yes, I come online and read Sean's post. He didn't know he was writing it for me. But he was.

The thought of losing 200 pounds was a million miles away when I started, or so I thought, turns out it was only about 500 miles and eleven months away. I can't wait to be able to say “I weigh two something.” From “five something” to “two something,” What a fantastic journey.

Such a reminder that this is what I want too. More than eating mindlessly.

I had a few “wow” reactions too. One of them was a “completely unrecognizable” reaction. Same thing: “I wouldn't have known it was you if you hadn't been talking.” I never get tired of those.

THIS ^. This is what I want. His whole post today was so upbeat and positive and full of determination. They were the words that I needed to read.
And I knew when I started this journey that there were going to be hard days but I hadn't had one until now. It wasn't a 'i want to eat' bad day but a 'life stinks so i wanna eat' couple of days.
And it didn't help that I had a silly bad dream last night about my husband getting shot and I woke up at 2:30 AM all freaked out--you know how it is, its all silly in the light of day but right when you wake up in the dark it's a little unnerving.
So yay tomorrow is all fresh and new. Weird how feelings can run your life.
My daughter got her hair cut tonight. Of course cute as anything. And I was sitting there watching and looking at myself in the mirror. Yes, I see many changes in myself. My face is thinner. My stomach is smaller. My 'womanly charms' are smaller and setting up higher. But to other people? I still look like a really big person. I can't wait til I can get a haircut and actually look good. It's awful when your hair is all fixed so pretty and beneath it all is this huge puffy face. I have hated getting my hair cut for so long. But soon. Soon it will be fun.
I've been trying to see if I know portion sizes yet without measuring. I'll pour my juice in a glass and then measure that to see if it's a cup. So far every time yes!
This is a hard post for me to write. I almost feel like starting it over and not talk about all this bad stuff. But so many bloggers have been honest about their lives and struggles so it's almost like cheating if I don't share the truth about me. I mean good gravy! One girl posted pictures of herself in her underwear! If she can do that, then I can write about my not good days. And writing all this down is helping so much oddly. K I'm going to post this before I chicken out.
Sean's blog:
Hugs to you all.


  1. Thank you for sharing your bad days! I had some this week as well. Not feeling bad, just wanting to eat. I tool Wellbutrin for years and it worked really well for me, at one point though I did have to take Prozac with it. Both of them have the side effect of losing weight. My right foot used to do the same thing you are mentioning. I have RA (in remission mostly), but also traumatic arthritis in that foot. But, I am here to tell you--after losing almost 60 lbs--no more pain in my foot--ever. You'll get there. You can alternate ibuprofen and tylenol arthritis every 2 hours if you need to. It will really help constant pain like that and you only take it as long as you need it. Hope your day tomorrow is much better! You are doing so well!!! Blessings--Bonnie

  2. It is quite common to feel great after starting antidepressants and then feel bad....Just tell your dr exactly how you have been feeling and for how long is just a case of adapting your meds...and tell the dr that you are worried about the fact if you change your meds it will affect your will be ok ...i promise

  3. Sean's is one of the sites I most often point people to. He's laid out a roadmap of success that's interesting to read and easy to implement into your own life. He's a great guy to boot.

  4. Those feelings Zaa are completely normal my friend. I dealt with them so many times early on. But like everything else along this journey, this transformation, this wonderful road out---it all gets easier.
    I hate it that you're having foot problems---Take care of yourself...don't try to do too much on that until it heals--you don't want to hurt it even more. A good fitting shoe, even an orthopedic shoe might be the thing. Better support is always a good thing.

    Never let go of those motivating thoughts...Hold them tight Zaa---This is the time you do it. This time is like no other. And the wonderful results you're experiencing will be like no other you've ever had.

    Feels great doesn't it?

    You're awesome

  5. I know where you are, I have been there, and if you follow Sean's advice you will move on from that place. You are very brave sharing your bad times and I am inspired by your honesty. Get that foot checked, rest up and you will be in a be on your way again.

    best wishes


  6. I've been so wrapped up with my own horrible week that I haven't been posting on people's blogs like I should. I'm trying to catch up on everyone's tonight.

    Always post the bad days with the good days...just like I did! Getting is out is therapeutic and part of the healing and moving past the negative back to the positive.

    Sean is amazing...I'm so blessed to have found him. Jack is just as awesome...I LOVE his serious posts...and the funny ones give me laughs that I so often need.

    We are ALL here to support you in your efforts and you WILL get to where you want to be. We were having the exact same feelings about wanting to eat during our bad days, but not doing too bad because we've rounded that bend in the road girl....we've made the decision and we're not turning back. We're looking past what we want "now" and keeping our eyes on what we want "most". Even on the really bad days....we still know deep down that the hard times will pass and staying on track during those hard times will only get us to where we want to be faster. We see the big picture. We've got our minds right. And we're on our way!

    Cheers to you for keeping your eyes on the goal Zaa. I'm really so very proud of you that you've made the decision to lose the weight and you're not going to let anything stop you from getting there. You are completely awesome and I'm so glad I get to follow your journey and cheer you on. I'm behind you all the way girl...we are going to beat this thing! We are going to slay the enemy called Obesity. WE WILL BE VICTORIOUS!! ONWARD!! :)