Sunday, March 28, 2010

Day 327--Promised Pics--before and after, and my new bike courtesy of Jack Sh*t's contest! Oh, and weigh day.

Okay first off I weighed Saturday and I have lost 4 more pounds for a total of 90 pounds lost! Incredible! I just cannot believe this is me doing this.
The promised pics have been uploaded!!!! I snagged my daughter Bekah Boo Baby and had her take a pic of me and my BRAND NEW BIKE THANKS JACK!!! A very smooth ride, AND I have a bell but no basket. Yet. Such a pretty bike! Her name is Lulubelle. But first, for contrast, here are two pics: First one is of me about two years ago. Yes, I'm in the red sweatshirt. And man I look OLD in this pic! My son Eli is the one with the dog in his lap.

Here I am at my son's wedding about 2 years ago. There was no way on earth I was going to buy a new dress for this oh so special occasion because I knew that absolutely nothing anywhere would fit and there was no way on earth I was going to submit myself to that torture. So I am wearing my standard skirt and shirt which were my best at the time. And notice the sandals. Even the largest size pantyhose did not fit me anymore.
In pic: Me, son Ben, my Dad, Danielle, my hubby David.

Aaaaand here I am with my pretty new bike, using the obligatory hands on hips pose. I got the bike yesterday during a lengthy rainstorm. I didn't get to ride it until this afternoon. Took two bike rides today!

Pose Number Two.

And yes, I can really truly actually ride this pretty bike!

So there you have it. Pictures of me and my bike. What an absolutely incredible couple of weeks I have had. Oh and I have had my first experience where my losing weight has made someone else feel super duper bad!
When I started losing in May, there was a woman down the street who had lap band surgery around the same time. We met because we were all walking around the same time in the evening. And of course it was a given that since she had had surgery the weight was just going to fall off of her. I remember thinking how lucky she was. I ran into her a few months ago when I had lost about 70 pounds and she kind of embarrassingly said that she had lost 50. Fifty. But her doctor told her that slow and steady was good. I was freaked then because hey, she had had her body surgically altered to lose weight, there was no reason for her to NOT lose weight. And then yesterday I was up on Main Street in my little town where a building was being demolished. There were a TON of people there watching. It was super cool actually. And I happened to notice a woman taking pics and yep, it was the lap band woman's daughter. I walked over and said 'Hi!' and she pretty much, yeah, freaked out on how I looked. Was actually kind of neat. At first. She asked how much I had lost and I told her 'Ninety pounds' and she freaked again and then she said 'My Mom is around the corner, come say hi' and I innocently asked 'How is she doing?' because if someone has had surgery to lose weight it is pretty much a given that the weight is going to just drop off. And she acted all hesitant and told me her mom's weight loss had stalled and the doctor said 1 -2 pounds a month was good, slow and steady was the way to go. And I suddenly did not want to go talk to her mother. Because I knew that my weight loss would hit her wrong. This is the first time I have experienced this. But there was no way to graciously NOT talk to her so I found myself reluctantly being led around the building to the Mother. I tried to handle the situation gracefully and graciously, and was very kind and said 'Hi' and 'How are you doing!' and EVERYONE IN THE CAR were just staring and staring at me in this incredulous fashion. The Mother was in the driver's seat and was almost apologizing to me for her weight loss stall and I don't even remember what I said, I just wanted out of that entire situation. She just kept looking at me like I was an alien or I had something on my face. What could I say? What could I do? Absolutely nothing. I had no reassuring words for this woman. She wasn't looking for anything from me. She did not ask me what my secret was. I know what I would be thinking. Here she has the surgery to physically alter her body because she could not lose weight any other way--and she STILL couldn't lose weight! I bet she thinks now that she is just destined to be overweight, that she is just one of those people who can't lose no matter what. I would if it was me. How simply horrible this whole situation is! I am cringing inside!
Oh and yesterday I ran from Main street to my own home to tell everyone to come watch the demolition and it was easy! It wasn't hard at all! I couldn't believe it! I think I might be ready to start the couch to 5K program. I think!
The big news? In September my son and his wife will be moving to Japan. He is being stationed there for 3 years. I am expecting really cool presents from them!
My daughter wants to ride her bike to school tomorrow so I can ride my bike to pick her up and no way nuh uh, I am still so very very new at this, turning corners is still this major freak out moment, NO WAY do I want all those people to see me possibly beef it on my bike! I hope she forgets.
That's about it for today. Glad I'm almost over my sickness. I am enjoying leaving the life of the mouth breather behind! Everyone be good and weigh and measure your food. It works for me!

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Day 323--I am sick, Was it worth it, and a poem. Yes, we're fancy shmancy today

So right now I have the worst head cold in history. My head feels as if all the insides have solidified into concrete. I am completely congested and can't blow my nose AT ALL. I have become a horrid mouth breather and my lips are chapped and the insides of my mouth are dry as a bone all the time. UGHHHHHHHHHH. My standard sick menu consists of:
  • juice. orange, grape cranberry, apple cranberry
  • ritz crackers. for the salt. they just taste so good
  • chicken noodle soup OR tomato soup
And now I want to eat crackers all day because I can taste them. The juice leaves a sticky film in my always open mouth and is 100 calories a cup! I can't taste the soup at all. I feel most miserable. I move between the bathroom, the bed, the computer chair, and short jaunts into the kitchen to get water or crackers. I was starving last night so I sloooowly got up and into the kitchen and weighed a bowl of honeycombs because that just sounded so good but I forgot how quickly they get soggy. I can only eat very slowly since I can't breathe while I'm chewing! Sigh.

What do I mean, Was it worth it? I asked myself this today. Eating all that food for all those years to end up looking like this. Was it worth all the trips to fast food restaurants, the constant overeating? No No a thousand times No!!! Let's just admit the truth: It's very easy to just let yourself go and eat like there's no tomorrow. I just didn't care anymore about myself. I thought I was trapped as a fat woman forever, so why not just enjoy the ride? The problem became quite clear--I wasn't enjoying the eating anymore. I didn't eat when I was hungry. I ate when I WANTED to. Many times as I ate I just hated myself because I could. not. stop. Look! There's a McDonald's! I'll stop and get a shake and some fries. While I'm at WalMart I'll buy two donuts and a bottle of water to eat when I get out to the car--chocolate frosted donuts. I'm going to get a few of these king size whatchamacallits (seriously my favorite candybar) to eat at home. They're my favorite! And they're on sale. I am making cookies today so I'm going to take numerous tastes of the batter, have a cookie from the first batch when it's nice and hot and gooey, then I'll eat 5 more with a large glass of milk in a little bit when I'm hungry again. And grab a cookie or two everytime I walk through the kitchen. And have more cookies and milk before bed. And that went on and on and on for 20 years!!! I started out slowly. I weighed 140 when I got married. I weighed 150 when I got pregnant with Ben. After I had him I weighed 160. Then I got pregnant again and my weight ended up at 175. Then I got pregnant again and hit 200 and haven't looked back since. I have not been under 200 pounds in 20 years. When I hit under that number it will be unbelievably incredible.
All that food. I always had seconds, or even thirds if I could get away with it. Eating with other people was difficult because I had to limit myself or they would think I was a greedy pig. I always made sure that I had something to eat. I would bake, buy what I wanted at the grocery store, and even had stashes of secret things like:
  • sour gummy worms
  • peanut butter M&M's
  • Symphony chocolate and toffee bars
  • Pringles
  • candy that related to the season that could be found in abundance: Peanut butter eggs, heart shaped dove candies, red green and silver wrapped kisses
  • hostess cupcakes
I gradually over the years came to accept this way of living as the normal for me. Even the mere THOUGHT of eating less made me panic. So I began to equate losing weight with deprivation. Because you have to eat less to lose weight. That's just the way it is. And since I thought I had no self control I pretty much gave up. Yes, for the last 5 years or so I didn't even think about losing weight anymore. It was a pretty sad life. Why look at calories? It'll just make me feel more guilty about something I can't do anything about. Every time I ate was another opportunity to completely stuff myself like I'm starving to death. I started eating alone a lot because I didn't want to eat in front of people anymore. I never went in to the fast food restaurants, just hit the drive thru and parked. I usually brought a magazine or book and had what I thought was a well deserved break from home. I began to feel that God made me this way. I was meant to be fat. Only problem was I was so unhappy! I didn't want to be fat! I just couldn't accept it! And yet I felt powerless to do anything about it. Every diet I started was so different from how I eat, there was NO WAY I could stick to it. It's like being told that starting right now I have to eat everything I do not like and nothing I do like. It is just not going to work. How much easier it has been the way I've been losing weight--Sean's Way!!!! I call it that because I patterned myself after him. I hope you don't mind Sean. Finding your blog was the best thing that could have possibly happened. (here is his link go back and read from day 1: )
Everything is just so different now. I tell myself no so much. I'm just not going to have anymore juice, or a can of pop, or store bought cookies, or whatever. And I know that I will be eating again in a few hours and I just don't get that panicky feeling anymore.
What bliss! What freedom! I am finally achieving my soul's dream of being thin!
I am feeling most grody so I believe I will leave you all with this:

When I'm an old lady and live with my kids

When I'm an old lady, I'll live with each kid,
And bring so much happiness... just as they did.
I want to pay back all the joy they've provided,
Returning each deed. Oh, they'll be so excited!
(When I'm an old lady and live with my kids)

I'll write on the wall with reds, whites and blues,
And bounce on the furniture wearing my shoes.
I'll drink from the carton and then leave it out.
I'll stuff all the toilets and oh, how they'll shout!
(When I'm an old lady and live with my kids)

When they're on the phone and just out of reach,
I'll get into things like sugar and bleach,
Oh, they'll snap their fingers and then shake their head,
And when that is done I'll hide under the bed!
(When I'm an old lady and live with my kids)

When they cook dinner and call me to eat,
I'll not eat my green beans or salad or meat.
I'll gag on my okra, spill milk on the table,
And when they get angry I'll run... if I'm able!
(When I'm an old lady and live with my kids)

I'll sit close to the TV, through the channels I'll click,
I'll cross both my eyes just to see if they stick.
I'll take off my socks and throw one away,
And play in the mud 'til the end of the day!
(When I'm an old lady and live with my kids)

And later in bed, I'll lay back and sigh,
I'll thank God in prayer and then close my eyes.
My kids will look down with a smile slowly creeping,
And say with a groan. "She's so sweet . when she's sleeping!"
(When I'm an old lady and live with my kids)

~ Joanne Bailey Baxter, Lorain, OH ~

Big germ free hugs to you all!!!

Monday, March 22, 2010

Day 321--Sick aGAIN, weigh day, and all kinds of little goodies

So Friday I weighed and I have lost 4 more pounds for a total of 86 pounds lost! I was kind of stuck around 275, so I'm glad. I was dancing (in my heart) all the way home. I can't believe I'm at 270! Nobody in their right mind would be happy about that number but boy I am. Hello, 270, haven't seen you in years! Don't be hurt that I won't stick around long.
Everyone has had a head cold and of course, I got it. Everyone is at a revival meeting and I am home alone. There is nothing worse than being home alone when you're sick. My husband kindly made pancakes for dinner and then they all rushed off. I actually slept for three hours today! That never happens. Why is it when I'm sick I crave salty foods? Horrible headache, sinus pain in my face and general ickiness and grodiness. And I not only want something salty, I want something chocolatey to go with it. Sigh. Chicken noodle soup just does not taste good. I ate a pancake.
We had a blizzard on Saturday. I know! First day of spring. Everybody on facebook was just hating on the snow and complaining and I thought it was kind of neat. There was no ice! There is always ice around here. The wind was blowing hard and the snow was pert near blown sideways. And it was a wet snow. We got about a foot and it's already almost melted. But they did not have school today because the country roads are drifted in!
I found myself thinking today of how different being sick is now than before. Before I started losing weight. I would only be able to eat what people brought to me or I could scrounge myself. So I never got to eat what I wanted, when I wanted it, and however much I wanted. I would pat myself on the back for not eating very much. It was probably the most difficult part about being sick, the eating was poor. Surely I will lose weight! But life goes on and as soon as I could feed myself I was back to normal. Almost a year later it's different. I don't eat near as much as I did back then. I am satisfied with one serving and not desperately wishing for more.
How glad I am that I started losing weight last year. How horrible to die and not attain any of my life's goals! I read about a blogger who died of a heart attack last Friday and man it freaked me out. Because I have put off all of MY life's goals to some vague future day. And I could die suddenly too! I better get off my duff and start doing the things I've always wanted to. Like clean out all of our closets. And the shed. And match all the socks. I hate matching socks.
Well I did do something today, I changed the sheets on my bed. And when I plugged my hubby's side of the electric blanket back in the lights started blinking on the control and I do not even want to mess with it. I have no idea what is wrong. I hope it's fixable. Being sick on dirty sheets would be so awful.
Now that I've bagged up most of my fat clothes my closet is skimpy. I hauled out an old grey sweatshirt to put on today. I didn't want to wear one of my nice new shirts! I knew I would be in and out of bed all day. But I am not complaining no siree. How my heart is filled with joy when I walk by the just my size shirts and know I don't have to wear them! And the shirts are hideous this spring! The patterns and colors so ick! And I waltz right past and head for the 'normal' part of the store and quite happily browse. I always come home with something. For years and years and YEARS I rarely bought clothes for myself. Especially the last several when even the largest size at Walmart was too small. I would buy the biggest size jeans (with an elastic waist) and I would MAKE it fit. Yes, I forced my marshmallowy body into those jeans so painfully but they were made of a stretchy jean material and it worked. Then I wouldn't wash them until I HAD to because washing made them too little again. I always had to stretch out my shirts around the hem so they wouldn't cling to me. And the shirts had to be long enough to cover my droopy tummy. I never tried anything on. It was too depressing and discouraging trying new clothes on. I still looked very fat and I knew it! I would smile hopelessly at myself in the mirror and go ahead and buy the least hideously colored/patterned shirt and tell myself to be glad I got something new! No more no more no more for me! There is nothing on this earth that tastes so wonderful and delicious that I would give up my life now for it. I never want to go back to that life. Ever. Ever ever ever. If I died today I could die happily because I am actually doing it, IT, what I have dreamed of for years--losing weight! Well I would feel a little guilty for not cleaning out the closets.
Everything is different. Taking a shower, sitting on a toilet, walking, going upstairs, buckling a seat belt, getting down and up from the floor, how I feel about myself, what my hands look like on the keyboard--so slender!--and my wrists! can these really be mine? And my calves and ankles and feet! I have monkey toes and they were really fat too but now they're not! They're normal looking!
As most of you know who are following me, I won $100 last week from Jack. And I got it in the mail, crisp and new with a quite lengthy and articulate note that said: Z--get you some wheels! Best, Jack. Well I am now on the hunt for the perfect bike. I want it to be pretty and perfect. I promise pics when I get it! I am so excited!
********More new cool things that are happening to me********

* The seats in the auditorium at the school where the girls had band contest was the same place we went to last year. They were so small and cut into my thighs so painfully. Then. This time I had room between me and the arm rests. Incredible! I love the things I discover that are unexpected.
* I put on a stocking cap Saturday because of the blizzard and I didn't look weird like I used to. My face used to be so round and puffy and it is thinning down so much. I swear I am looking in the mirror constantly anymore.
* My husband can almost pick me up. Almost.
* I rode a bus on Thursday with the girls to go to band contest and I could walk down the aisle without turning to the side! I used to have an entire seat to myself but this time? I shared with Bekah Boo Baby. I shared a bus seat and she didn't hang out over the edge! Yes I am normal indeed.
* I was flipping through some pics on Facebook and WHAM there it was. The worst picture, I believe, of me, at my largest. Taken two Christmases ago. And here it is, one of my rare photos:

There I am, in the middle. Like Jabba the Hut. Man it just does not look like me anymore! This is my family--in the back is Eli, Rachel, Marshmallow, my husband David, Ben, his wife Danielle. Front row is Sandy the dog, Bekah, Sam, Bethany and Josiah and right smack in front is MaryGrace. Only one missing is Laddie and of course my dear departed Ninja Cobra. I really need to stick a pic on here that shows you what I look like now. I think I will have my daughter take some pictures of me. Next post I'll do a comparison thing. I feel very brave posting that pic.
  • I feel so little when I drive my suburban. My stomach used to rub the steering wheel. I have all this room now my hands and arms look so different steering. My seat belt actually lays across my chest like it's supposed to, not in front of my neck like it used to be. And once it's buckled and I'm in it stays there, I don't have to constantly adjust it!
  • The red cushiony rocking chair I sit in at my computer used to be too small. But now I fit in it just fine. I NEVER sat in it when it was in the living room. Not only was it too small it was too low and I couldn't get up! I was an expert on quickly finding the places to NOT sit in when I came into a room and if there wasn't anywhere else I would stand. And I always had a very good reason for standing instead of sitting. How freeing that my life isn't like that anymore! When I was at my Dad's I sat on one of his wicker ottoman's when I was going through my mother's books! I can honestly say I have NEVER sat on it before. And I could get up and down off it no problem!
  • After church on Sunday we had a potluck dinner and I enjoyed giving myself little portions of the foods that were so different and interesting. And I got a small piece of my cake and ate only half. I make the best chocolate cake in the entire world. Potlucks used to be kind of a mixed joy for me. It meant I didn't have to make a meal for my family but then there was the stress of wondering if there would be anything that I liked to eat on the tables. I always brought two or three dishes to the potluck because I have a large family and then I knew I had something great to eat. And how embarrassing to go back for seconds! Especially on the desserts. So I didn't. But my soul gazed longingly at the layered chocolate toffee brownie pudding thing I brought and inwardly cringed as scoop after scoop was eaten and I was left with an empty dish. I had to be so strong so I wouldn't fall on the food like a crazed beast. I didn't want everyone to think I was a big fat pig so I was very careful what I would put on my plate. All the while I was eating my meal yesterday I was thinking about this very thing. I'm so glad I'm different.
  • I have so much confidence. I was always ashamed of myself before, of how I looked. And now I am not. I can meet people's eyes and not see that look. You know. The one that says 'Man she is SO fat.' Because I was fat. I was morbidly obese. I weighed 356 pounds. And who knows how much I actually weighed because I weighed 10 days into my journey, I could have weighed much more when I started! I also do not have to try so hard. You know. Where you have to get people to look beyond the fat to the exciting charming fascinating funny person underneath? I was actually quite good at that. And how cool is it that I now have the same personality but I look nice, I look good, I look normal! I have always enjoyed meeting people, talking in grocery lines, just talking to people in general. I just cannot explain how wonderful it is for me now.
************End of them because I swear this post is so long*********

Wow why are my posts always so long!
Do you want to lose weight? Do you hate how you look, what you wear, how you feel? There is no secret to weight loss. Just eat everything you normally do--but just less. Take a walk everyday. I counted my calories quite carefully when I started because I needed to relearn how much a portion is. Eat when you're hungry. That means about 5-6 times a day. Weigh your food, measure everything that can be measured. Write down the calories and portion them out so you have enough for the entire day. Read labels. I personally stay away from fat free and sugar free things. I would rather have a little of the good stuff than a lot of gross stuff. You will be surprised at how little you need to eat at a meal. I used to stuff myself like there's no tomorrow at every eating opportunity. Now I don't. I know I'll be eating again in just a little bit! When I started I did not eat out, I did not bake, I had no chips in the house, I kept away from everything that I felt out of control around. I slowly learned how to say no and now I bake and eat out like I used to--except I eat much much less. I bought a calorie book from walmart and kept it in my purse. I went to
I think I've been up long enough. I'm headed back to bed. I have a doctor's appt tomorrow at 11.
Big hugs to you all. Thanks for the nice emails and kind comments I have been getting. And how fun to find that a friend of mine has visited and read the whole thing from start to finish! Thank you R, you made my day!

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Day 315--Pleasant Surprise and Shopping can be fun! and Reader Question of the Week

Well imagine my freaked out face when I pulled up Jack Sh*t's blog and found out I had won in his prize giveaway!!! You can read about it (if you want) here: I've had a pretty tough week and this brought a smile to my face. This morning I was shaking everyone awake and telling them I WON I WON! There is definitely a new bike in Zaa's future and it's going to be pretty and have a basket and a bell! I'm going to have so much fun picking it out, bringing it home, do I have to put it together? and then heading out on my celebratory ride! I promise pics. Jack, thank you from the bottom of my heart. And congratulations to the other winners of his giveaway!
So every single time I hit WalMart I go look at the clothes! Everything is on sale and I'm getting shirts for $3 apiece. And they are extra large and I just take them off the rack and buy them and try them on AT HOME and they fit, they fit every single time!!!!! Who would have believed it! And those size 24 pants I bought, it's like they are too big. Not fall off big, but just big. Okay I so did NOT type that with a whine because it's incredible what is going on with my clothing situation. I have so far bagged up 2 1/2 trash bags worth of clothes that are too big for me. I'm taking them to goodwill. No worries, I threw away the underwear. And my horrid red circus tent coat will benefit someone who really needs it and I hope she really likes it because I hate it and what it represents to me. I will never ever wear those horrid shirts and elastic waist pants and capris ever again! All stretched out and stained and really, I can't believe I wore this stuff. How I had deceived myself! What a tragic life I led! How thankful I am that I said 'okay' when God said 'Let's do this today'. And I was so determined, bravely walking on sore feet, stopping for breath every block or so, religiously counting calories and telling everyone else how many calories were in what THEY were eating and actually saying NO to extra helpings and learning to eat whenever I was hungry which is so contrary to diets but if I keep myself topped up then I won't gorge on anything, it's perfect really. Everything is different, and people see the outside is changing and have no idea what is going on inside my soul. I told my husband last night about how great it is that everything is different in my life from a year ago and he said he didn't think I was much different. Wha-? Am I expecting too much from him? I did not let myself resent him or get irritated because our marriage is one of the things that is different--we are both moving towards each other and he has plenty of time (hopefully) to get to know me again.
Weigh Day came and went last Friday and for the life of me I don't remember how much I weighed. In the scheme of things that was low man on the totem pole. I'll weigh again Friday. Someday I'll get my own scale!
I went up to my sister's Saturday. She had a women's luncheon at her church and I took the girls and we had a nice time. The best part--oh I will never forget--the women that I went on the retreat in October with were there. And they did not recognize me! And I remember thinking how much thinner they were than me but guess what now I am thinner than them! One of them told me she was jealous TWO TIMES, and 3 asked me in lowered urgent voices what my secret was! And I told them and you can just see the the blinds come down on their faces. They do NOT want to hear it. And I feel so little driving my suburban! And at my Dad's I went up and down the stairs no problem, not preTENDING like I could, and I went through several boxes of my Mother's books (miss you Mom) and there was bending and stooping and let me tell you this, I felt strong and vibrant and lovely and I was picking up boxes and felt so strong! Carrying them to a chair, setting the box on the floor before me and actually being able to easily lean down to go through the books. It is all just so incredible to me that this is my life right now.
I can actually walk THROUGH THE HOUSE AND UP THE STAIRS and nobody hears me. I can get into and out of bed without making a sound! (My husband is one of those horrid people that you can never wake up for the slightest reason because they get so stinking angry I just totally hate that about him but after being married to him for 28 years I know he ain't gonna change so I just have to adjust to it, hence the uber quietness in my OWN FREAKING BEDROOM) Last night I sat in the back seat of a van in the middle with friends on either side of that bench and I haven't done that in years, in fact, I can't remember ever doing that. I always got the front seat because I was just flat out too big. Seat belts fit me in every car/truck I ride in. Went out yesterday to lunch and ate 1/3 of my quesadilla and brought the rest home for my husband. And drank water. And had a total of 10 chips with their dip. (Mexican restaurant) And then later I had 1/4 of a small chocolate malt with extra malt and half the order of mozz sticks (2 1/2) and gave the rest to my husband. How fun it was to be able to just eat and enjoy and not make myself sick stuffing myself like a pig! There was this woman at lunch who said 'I am SO hungry I am just going to let myself go today. I have been dieting for 3 weeks and lost 10 pounds'. She has been eating 600 calories a day. You read that right. SIX HUNDRED. Well dang I would be starving to death too if I ate that little! And man she did eat a whole lot. I did not offer any of my insights in weight loss because
  1. she didn't ask. I hate when people offer advice that I don't ask for and then they get offended because you don't follow their advice don't you?
  2. I guess mostly because she didn't ask. When I started this I thought I would have plenty of reasons and I could do bullets because I love them so but I don't. Ah well.
So now we have a new feature, and that is


Dear Zaa,
Wow you are awesome! Everything about you reeks of coolness! My question is: Why do you hide your most excellent name from your readers? Because I am sure it is most bodacious!
A Most Blinded and Loyal Follower Helplessly Enthralled by Your Charm and Wit

Well! I could just read emails like that all day! To answer I must take you back, baaaaaack I say, ten months ago, when Zaa first took those trembling steps into bloghood. I started blogging on SparkPeople--which is a nice site and really got me up and going but I kind of outgrew it--and I did not want anybody there knowing who I was. You hear about these cyber stalkers and they're creepy and all so I just went the anonymous route. For my cyber name I chose the name of my character on World of Warcraft--Zaa, level 80 troll mage. I always signed my ingame mail 'Zaababy' so that's what I did for my user name. Then when I made the bold move to blogspot I kept it, mostly because I transferred all my posts from SP to here and I am lazy and didn't want to have to go through and change stuff and I didn't think anyone would ever read what I write. So fast forward and here we are! I've been doing this long enough. I am almost ready to let you all in on my real name. Almost. I have decided that my real name will be revealed on May 19th, my one year anniversary. I know you are all panting in anticipation.
I have been looking back over my posts and there is a marked decrease in them during late fall/early winter and I tried to figure out why. And I did figure out why! It was the sameness, the daily exercise and counting calories and there were tiny changes, and big ones every now and then, but nothing else that I felt was interesting enough to write about. And now the changes and new things are coming on quickly, one after the other, some big, some small. What can I say, I felt things were just so boring and mundane.
Of course, now they are the opposite. Well, to ME they are interesting.
Happy St. Patrick's Eve everyone. Remember, we're all Irish on St. Paddy's Day, so wear something green! I'll be making a fun meal tomorrow for the kids but don't ever put green food coloring in milk because the kids think it's cool but they won't drink it.
Hugs to you all, and thank you for the kind, encouraging words and emails. You all are the best!
For some reason I can't fix the font size, so sorry about that.

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Day 309--This is One Long List but you'll love it. I promise.

*****New Cool Things In My Life--pretend these all have zillions of exclamation marks after each one*****************
  • I stood on the bench in the kitchen to get a china platter off the top of my hutch. And then I got back up to put it back later in the day. I haven't gotten up on a piece of furniture since I don't know when
  • jumped over a mud puddle without being freaked out. I looked at it, measured the distance, then leaped over it and didn't even worry about if my foot was going to land funny and I would fall.
  • I was at WalMart and saw some shirts on sale for $3 so I grabbed 2 that were extra large and didn't try them on in the store and came home and tried them on and they fit! Me! In an extra large shirt that I just took off the rack at the store! This is just blowing my mind.
  • Went shopping Monday afternoon and spent two hours trying on clothes! Oh it was so much fun! I bought a new pair of jeans (size 24--remember, I used to not even be able to fit in the largest size they sold) and 6 shirts EXTRA LARGE. I look so different with these new clothes on! I actually have an hour glass figure! Yes I'm quite voluptuous but it's attractive and I love looking at myself! My husband's eyes about popped out of his skull when he saw me. Which was most gratifying. And I got a new purse and it's smaller and green! I never have green purses but since I am becoming someone new I thought why not! oh and got a wallet for $5 that was green and matches perfectly.
  • I am ceremoniously going through my clothes and getting rid of everything that is too big. I threw away the underwear. My big red coat is going, and oh my closet is going to be so empty--but not for long!!!!!!!! :-) This is so much fun!
  • I catch glimpses of myself in mirrors at WalMart and I look good, I don't have to pull a shirt down or fix my bra or stuff my breasts back INTO my bra because they're bubbling out of the top. I look good just casually looking and I love love love it! Mirrors used to be my enemy, now they are my friends!!!
  • Was at the doctor's today and my bp was 130/80. She said that she was very proud of me and told lots of people about my success. I love that my doctor is my friend. Like today, I had something of extreme urgency that I needed to see her for and they worked me in because they love me that's what they said! Isn't that nice?
  • When I sit in my computer nook I have a fuzzy princess blanket I cover myself up with and my daughter came in and freaked and I said what and she said you used to turn that blanket sideways and it wouldn't even come around your body and now you have it lengthwise and you're so little under it! Little stuff like this just make my whole day.
  • At the store I ran into someone I used to go to church with and I could see she was looking at me covertly as we were talking and then she said have you lost weight and I said yes and she said I looked great and what was my secret! I smiled inwardly because everyone asks me that and I told her a very abbreviated and condensed version of what I do and she said oh I could never do that!
  • Was at the school today and one of the teachers walked by as I was talking and came back and said have you lost weight? and I said yes, and she said I look great! I will never ever ever get tired of people telling me how good I look! I can't wait for my Dad and sister to see me on Saturday, they haven't seen me for 3 months.
  • So my youngest son came to me two nights ago and said he wanted to start counting his calories/watching portion sizes and so I am being very encouraging and not critical and helping him make his lunch and stuff. My life touches so many others in such a neat way!
  • I feel so little in my suburban. I love looking at my arms as I steer and see how thin they are getting. I love looking down at my thighs and see how thin THEY are getting. Don't worry I look at the road too.
  • I wrote a check to pay for our water bill on the WRONG BANK and we bounced and man my husband hates when that happens and so do I it was an innocent mistake. Sigh.
Okay this is one neat video I hope you like it. I love this guy.

And as always, my best to you all. I decided instead of ranting and raving in a lunatic fashion about weight loss I would just share my cool stuff.

Monday, March 8, 2010

Day 307--Weigh Day, I'm loving this, and Zaababy is an inspiration? Peeeeshaw!!!!

Weigh Day has come and gone with another pound added to the tally. I now weigh 274, a number I haven't seen in years and years! I still can't believe I'm really doing this. I have dreamed and hoped that somehow I would find the inner strength, the willpower to lose weight. Thankfully I don't have to have any of that!
Today my joy is not coming from eating 'diet' foods, someone else's prescribed portions, or following a 'plan'. I'm going to let you in on a little secret of mine: I'm a picky eater! Yes! A 48 year old woman still does not like onions on her cheeseburger! And she likes cheeseburgers. Supposedly when you are 'dieting' you can't eat stuff like that. Everything has to be so HEALTHY and LOW IN FAT AND SODIUM AND SUGAR. No wonder so many people fall off the wagon. Incredibly enough there is a way to lose weight that even picky people like me can love. You just eat exactly what you want measured and weighed and one portion of it. I now eat without guilt.
This morning I reveled in my 8 oz orange juice and 59 g regular old mini wheats with milk. As always, the whiny Zaa inside wailed 'That's not going to be enough I'm going to starve!' whilst I was measuring everything. That seems to happen a lot. I've been eating huge servings for so long I am brainwashed as to portion sizes. I can't tell you how shocked I was when I measured out one serving of cereal oh so many days ago. Because it is an incredibly small amount. I normally have two servings of cereal unless it's heavy like grape nuts or mini wheats, then one is good. As time has gone on, the portion sizes are becoming familiar. I have been trying to 'eye' amounts of food and then weighing to see how close I am. Most of the time I am on the mark!
If you do not weigh or measure your food start immediately.
Wait, wait. You haven't heard the best part. I eat so much during the day that I am never starving. I eat 5-6 times a day of exactly what I want--portioned. How how how can this even work! Yet it does. There is hope, my fellow picky eaters. You don't have to listen to the others with their ridiculous ideas of what to eat and when to eat and how much to eat and what NEVER to eat and what you must ALWAYS eat. People automatically equate losing weight with completely changing what they eat to 'good' foods, because what they're eating has to be bad, they're fat!
One of the first things I learned on my journey was I can still eat what I want and lose weight. How it changed my life! I just couldn't stay 'on plan' before and would helplessly watch myself as if from afar falling back to the foods I loved.

Sample menu of mine:
2 bacon, 1 egg fried in bacon grease, 1 toast with butter, orange juice
1/2 a moon pie with small cup of milk
burrito made from homemade taco meat, refried beans, cheese and Taco Bell sauce yummmmmmmmm and an ounce of fritos
15 g of Ghiradelli 60% cacao chocolate chips
a piece of bologna
tuna casserole, pumpkin bread, green beans
other half of the moon pie
And is this weird or what--all that is only 1500 calories because I eat small portions. Ooooh also none of it is fat free or low fat or sugar free. It's all full fat stuff.

It's all stuff I like. In fact, if something doesn't taste good, I don't eat it. Why waste my calories on something I don't like? Get real. I love to lick the spoon when I make a cake. Am I bad for doing that? Of course not! Am I bad for going to McDonald's with my daughters while shopping? No! When we think of eating regular normal foods there's this belief that the portions are all huge. Actually people on diets like to eat huge amounts of--you guessed it--things I don't like! But they like it! I think you should eat what you like.
Okay. I have this friend named Sean. Kind of long winded, but sweet. And he looooves ice cream. He discovered early on in his weight loss journey that he could still have it and boy he would. He would drive thru McDonald's and get a small cone. So I'm reading about that and my insides are jumping up and down with excitement. Now me. I don't personally care for ice cream, and I never eat it. But I adore chocolate. So I have found ways to eat it every single day. Sometimes I'll have a fudgesicle, or chocolate cereal, or a small homemade brownie or cookie, or a chocolate malt with double malt from Sonic. I also have this thing for sour gummy worms. And I might not have mentioned this before but chocolate moon pies are one of the most delicious things on earth. Now you. Maybe you really love salty stuff--like my sister. How brash and bold of me to tell you that to lose weight you couldn't have anything with salt! You have to eat what someone else tells you to eat. And it's all bland and flavorless. How long do you think you'll stick to the new way of eating? Not long!
Are your eyes opened to the truth yet? I bet you're reading this and there's this tiny flame of hope burning in your heart. Can this be? My dear friends. Start right now by getting yourself a scale for the kitchen. Let's say that today you were planning on having tomato soup, crackers, and a toasted cheese sandwich for lunch. Guess what. You can still eat that! Look on each label and figure out how much one portion is. Write down those calories, prepare your food, and eat only one portion of each. Or wait, maybe you want a bologna sandwich with chips and a ding dong. No no you want pizza! Mmmmm leftover tacos are good too. Chili dog and french fries? Sign me up!!!
How yummy that all sounds to me! Much better than this sample menu I found specifically for mocking purposes:



  • Salad made with 4 cups chopped romaine or other dark green lettuce (i.e. not iceberg), half an avocado, and 4 oz cooked chicken meat, with Vinaigrette dressing such as Sweet and Sour Lime Dressing


  • 1/4 cup whole almonds


The only things i liked on that list were the steak, green beans and almonds. But one cup of green beans? Too much for me!

Or this one:

  • 3 eggs with ½ cup cooked spinach and 1 cup sliced raw mushrooms, sautéed (in omelet or scrambled together)
  • 1 small slice cantaloupe (about 1/8 small melon)
  • 1 Apple Flax Muffin (or could save muffin for lunch)




The only thing I liked on that one was the cantaloupe.

Some well meaning person put those menus together and I wonder, do they actually eat that way? Weight loss is a huuuuuge money maker these days. Stuff like that sells, we are all so desperate for the 'secret' to weight loss.
That menu is fine for people who like those foods. Am I a horrid person because I don't like what someone else likes? Hey I don't criticize you for your taste in music. Don't criticize me because I don't like the foods you do.
Tailor the whole thing to fit YOU.
Today at breakfast I was filled with joy that I was eating guilt free and when I ate it all, I could stop because I knew I'll be eating again in about 2 hours or so. No more stuffing myself like there's no tomorrow. As a Mom I do plan all meals in the house and I never worry about where my next meal will come from. If I'm out and it's a meal time, I can head to Sonic or Taco Bell and eat, again, without guilt.
I am so glad God has made such a variety of foods for us to eat. You can eat what you like. And I can eat what I like. And we can all lose weight together !!!
To expand on my last post about riding a bike:

I tried not to think about it a whole lot. I used to ride bikes all the time when I was a kid. I threw on my daughter's XL jacket and headed out the door. Taking my daughter's bike firmly by the handles, I wimpishly walked it to the road so I wouldn't have to navigate my narrow walk. My daughter was with me as moral and emotional support. I got on. Boy those seats are small! I want a bike with a tractor seat. Hoping desperately that noone was looking out their windows, walking by, or driving by in their cars, I bravely put my feet on the pedals. I slowly started pedaling, lost balance a few times and had to put a foot down, and was most wobbly. But I was up and going and THEN I had to turn the corner and oooooh was I freaked but I didn't fall. Rachel walked by me so sweetly in case I did fall. I'm such a weenie. It was then determined that yes, I was riding and Rachel ran to her bike and got on and then we were off! We had a grueling route that we roughly made up on the spot of one block over, then four blocks down, one block back to our road then four blocks. How freaked I was when a car was coming! How scared I was to turn corners! How thrilling to discover that if I lean a little bit I don't immediately crumple to the ground in an embarrassing heap but instead am steering the bike! When we rode up to our driveway, I, as a big marshmallow, immediately burst into tears and hugged on Rachel because I, me, a woman who has struggled for years with weight loss and had a most abnormal life, just did something that was impossible a short year ago. We then did the whole thing again.

I have ridden it everyday since then. I am slowly becoming more familiar with the ground going by so fast.
And oh it's fun it's fun! I want a bike with a basket and a bell and all my kids think I'm a nerd but I don't care.
I never never never want to go back to what my life was like before. There is no food on earth that tastes better than riding that bike felt.
Am I beating a dead horse? I just want everyone to know that life is good while losing weight, it's not difficult, it's fun and joyful! Join me today!
So my niece messaged me on facebook and told me I inspire her. Can you believe it. I thought my life was going to be:
eating helplessly everything that called my name
getting fatter and fatter and fatter
having to buy clothes at no, not lane bryants because that stuff doesn't fit anymore, no, some specialty store
watching my world shrink smaller and smaller as I got bigger
not being able to do anything, even drying off after a shower or walking across the house to get the phone, without getting out of breath
not going upstairs in my own home unless I absolutely HAD to, actually, not using stairs at all if I could possibly maneuver it so. Dreading stairs when confronted with them. Trying bravely to walk up or down them just like everybody else but being so freaked with my legs hurting and they were so heavy and it was so hard
But instead, my life has become something out of a fairytale. Everything is better. Except I d0 feel incredibly embarrassed that I got as fat as I did. When I got married I weighed 140 pounds. Which means I gained 216 pounds in the last 29 years. You know that's the first time I actually thought about that. Doesn't that just blow the mind!!!
So to my favorite niece---Congratulations on losing 7 pounds already!!! I am honored that I am inspiring you! But my story is nothing compared to the folks on my blog roll.
And to my sister---Congratulations on losing 5 pounds!!! Soon you will love your Nazi trainer I promise!
Oh, and go visit Jack Sh*t's blog, he's having a fun giveaway today. You can find the link on my sidebar with all the other blogs.

Hugs to all my weight loss super hero super friends!!!

Thursday, March 4, 2010

Day 302--a quickie, but everyone likes a quickie now and then

I rode a bike today. My daughter Rachel walked along beside me at first because I am afraid I'll fall. But I didn't. Then we went on TWO bike rides. My legs are all noodly. But I did something I haven't been able to do in years because I was fat and I did it wayyy before I thought I would be able to do it.
Riding a bike!
It was so much fun!!!!!!!!!
And when my kids get home I know they're all going to want to go on a bike ride with me because I have never---let me repeat that, NEVER--gone on a bike ride with any of my children. And I have been a Mom for 25 years.
I am being reborn.

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Day 301--How did I miss posting on day 300!! a most triumphant list and choosing to NOT buy Cadbury mini eggs

Well. So much to say, so I will just delve right into my list. In no particular order I present:
*********My Most Excellent NSVs*************
  • I am wearing a sweater that is my daughter's. It's XL. Me. Wearing her clothes. I have NEVER BEEN ABLE TO SHARE CLOTHES WITH MY TEENAGE DAUGHTERS!!!!!!!! I feel like I'm mostly in a state of shock about this. Yesterday I tried on my husband's Chief's sweatshirt (XL) and it fit and I just ran around telling everyone I knew what size I was wearing.
  • I ran today. Really ran, not trotted carefully. The ground goes by so fast! Has it always been like that? Rachel and I walked to city hall and paid the water bill then we walked to the school to take MaryGrace her lunch and homework which she left on the coffee table. When we got to a block from our home we raced. She won, of course. But. I really ran with my legs stretched out and it was EFFORTLESS AND FREEING. Remember my dream? Mary wasn't with me but oh, can you imagine my thoughts? I wish I wasn't scared I would trip and kill myself.
  • I can hold my guitar on my lap, just like normal people. I used to hold it out all funny because I couldn't hold it against my body, my stomach was too big. Well not anymore!
  • I never sit down to get dressed anymore. I just realised this yesterday. Remember how excited I was when I put my underwear on for the first time without holding onto anything? And now here I even put my shoes on standing up! Incredible!
  • My daughter Bekah lost 5 pounds last week. Good for you Bekah Boo Baby!!!! So proud of her. She takes her lunch everyday in a Duck Tales lunchbox. All of her friends are now on the counting calorie train. Her best friend brings HIS lunch in a Nintendo lunchbox which I envy, I love video games. I think it's neat how one person's decision to lose weight can affect so many lives.
  • I am not buying Cabury mini eggs anymore. I could if I wanted, but I'm not. I bought a bag and divided it and I thoroughly enjoyed that chocolate. No way would I have been able to NOT buy a bag. I love how I can just calmly make a decision like that and it doesn't bother me. I purposefully go past the Easter candy aisle quickly. I'll have some more candy at Easter in my basket.
  • It's weird how I'm losing weight different than how I gained it. Like my top being an XL and my bottom part still big. I need to just go try on pants to see what size because my pants are baggy and I keep having to pull them up and might I add that I typed that with a big smile on my face? Because who would have ever thought that I would have BAGGY pants?
  • I bought a pair of sweatpants for working out at the gym and besides the fact that they attract every strand of dog/cat hair in my house, they are a size 3X!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! For years I couldn't fit into the largest size WalMart had!!! And now wow! It's just incredible. Somebody pinch me I must be dreaming!
  • Last week was a talent show and I took money at the door and put a smiley face on the backs of everyone's hands. And I dressed up for it. Like I was going to church. And I felt so pretty and attractive and cute and had an absolute blast! I love doing stuff like that.
  • In fact, everyday I feel that way. And I know that people look at me and think I'm fat because I still am, I weigh 275 pounds and that is most definitely NOT THIN but I can't run around with a sign that says 'I KNOW I'M FAT BUT YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN ME BEFORE' or 'I KNOW I'M FAT AND I'M WORKING HARD TO LOSE IT SO IT'S OKAY FOR ME TO HAVE CHIPS IN MY CART BECAUSE I PORTION OUT MY FOOD'.
  • In ways I feel reborn.
  • Let me elaborate if you will. Absolutely everything in my life is different now than it was this time last year. And that's just after 81 pounds! I feel so light. I have energy. I have much joy in living. I never want to lose this incredible feeling of accomplishment I get when I look at myself in the mirror and smile.
  • When I lose 100 pounds I will have my hair done by a friend up in the city, he works at a most expensive salon but I want to do the thing where they figure out the best hair style and color for you. I was going to just buy clothes for the 100 pound mark but now that I find I can wear XL tops I think I'm going to go nuts the next time I'm around clothes. 'Um, honey, I hope you don't mind, I spent all our money on clothes this week.' I really really really want a pretty nightgown, okay, not pretty, sexy. I want to look sexy for my husband. I hope I'm not offending anyone by saying that.
  • How it thrills my soul to have one corndog (210 cal) 3 oz fries (130 cal and I only ate half so 65) and then later tonight I will have a serving of sand. Sand is like dirt, but white. My son came up with the idea. Okay now don't freak we really don't eat sand and dirt.
Crush one package of vanilla sandwich cookies
mix with 1/4 cup melted butter
place half in 13x9 pan--glass is prettiest
Prepare two large boxes vanilla pudding
pour carefully over bottom layer
sprinkle remaining cookie crumbs evenly over top
if you are clever and think ahead, which I didn't, you could even buy sour gummy octopuses (octopi?) and put them on there for giggles
Tada! Sand!
For dirt it's all the same but everything is chocolate.

  • I really hate my clothes. I feel like I have said that a lot but it's starting to become this big thing to me. Everything I own is stained, stretched, old old old, unflattering colors and patterns, faded, long! everything is so long! and I used to never wear shirts unless they covered my stomach completely!
  • I fit so nicely into pantyhose and dresses for church but, yes, I hate those too! They're all meant for women who are much bigger than me and I look silly in them. I think I need a makeover or something. I wish I had the money for that!
  • high heels. or any heels. I wonder when I'll be able to wear those? I have been wearing a pair of black flat mary janes for church so many years I can't even remember the last time I wore shoes with heels.
***************End of that atrociously long list****************

I get many different reactions now to my weight loss. We have the folks who can't believe how I look and are excited! Then we have those who don't say one thing at all. I used to be like that so I know how they feel. If they say something it will draw attention to the fact that THEY are fat too and need to lose weight but they just can't because they're trapped and without hope and don't think they'll ever lose it ever. Then there are those who get tired of hearing about all my NSV's (non-scale victories) and don't really have anything to say when I gleefully tell them I jumped over a mud puddle (which I did yesterday, twice). They seem to be bored, almost irritated with it all. I can't figure out why, unless my nsv's are coming so quickly now that they are just tired of me losing weight and can't wait until I'm done.
I am so glad that I don't care what other people think. Because I never did this for anyone but me. And when I heard that losing weight makes or breaks relationships I didn't care about that either. So far it's making my marriage much better than it was before so yay!

Have you tried to lose weight and can't because you're a hopeless failure and you're not consistent and you have no willpower?
Guess what.
Me tooooooooooo!
Let me tell you my secret: don't banish any foods.
Yes, everything is permissable.
Eat only ONE portion.
Eat everytime you are hungry, don't just not eat like you did before because then you are overhungry and you will pig out totally.
Eat exactly what you like.
Oh, and if it doesn't taste good don't eat it. Why waste your calories on something like that?
I love moon pies.
One is 300 calories so I cut it in half and only eat half.
I had to say something about moon pies.
Pick a calorie limit and stick to it.
Yes, I believe that just about sums it up.
Oh and take a walk everyday.

I weigh Friday then I'm driving my girls down to that summer camp for their interviews on Saturday so that day is pretty much in the toilet for me relaxing. I'll have fun with the girls of course. But driving 2 hours both ways can be quite tedious.
Well that's about it for me. If you read this far you get a gold star!
Love and hugs to all my fellow weight loss super heroes!!!!