Monday, October 31, 2011

Halloween has Come and Gone

What a long day!
First let me get my food journal out of the way.

Regular breakfast 200 calories
McD's for lunch! McDouble and small fry and water--390 + 226 + 0 =  616 cal
2 homemade tacos -- 300 cal
6 jolly rancher sour chewy things --80 cal
1 Reese's Cup--100 cal
Grand total of 1296 calories for the day--and I even got to eat out!

So woke up this morning, 2 kids were 'sick'. So that kind of messed up my plans for the day. Cleaned a bit, showered, then one kid decided she was 'better' and wanted to go to school. At 11:30. I said 'Farout!' and took her to school!
That leaves one at home, but 16 year olds can fend for themselves.
My daughter Rachel and I then ran around and did all kinds of errands, and went to Walmart and went out to lunch! I was prepared. I hopped on the McD website and checked out the calories for what I wanted to eat. I knew I was making tacos tonight, and how many calories those were, and I also knew I wanted something chocolate. So 616 calories for lunch isn't what I normally eat but it was fun to go out for a change. 
Then we headed home and made tacos and got the kids all made up for halloween. This year we had: a corpse bride who halfway through trick or treating morphed into a goth fairy. I don't fight these things. Then we had an alien, who ended up giving his costume to a friend and not trick or treating himself so he didn't get any candy and keeps snitching the other kid's candy. Ah well, too bad for him. Then we had the 'Ultimate Chief's Fan', and he looked really fun with his face painted red and white and all chiefs clothes on. We also had a pretty fairy, with a laurel wreath in her hair decorated with flowers, and wings, she was so pretty. Last we had an old woman, which was so fun, we had a mask for that one and it was so creepy good! I was nothing this year. For some reason didn't feel like dressing up, which is unusual but there's always next year right? I just felt fat this year. I normally try to be so very positive about myself but I just wasn't feeling it. 
I really really like setting my own goals and being flexible about what I eat. I am happy that I could eat lunch out with my daughter and just have a fun time talking and laughing and not worrying about whether or not I was 'ruining' my day by eating too much. Planning ahead, yep, that gave me confidence. I knew what I was eating was well within my calorie budget, and I could relax and enjoy myself.
I think it's key for everyone to lose weight by eating less and moving more. But I think we need to find our own way of doing that. I am sure that many many people look at my food diary and are aghast. 'Where's the fruits and vegetables? Where's the flax seed and fiber and lean meats and no white flour and and and--'  Well, they're not there are they? And I really don't care. I am losing weight within the structure of 1500 calories a day and a daily walk. I have never been successful losing weight other people's way. I don't like that stuff. I wish I did, I really do. But I don't. And if I have to force myself to eat stuff I don't like, it won't last. It would feel like a 'diet'. And I don't 'diet' anymore. 
Maybe someday. Someday I'll feel adventurous and I'll try stuff I've hated since I was a kid. But when I'm ready. Not because somebody else who is an 'authority' or is famous tells me to. I am so over feeling guilty because I eat what I like--jut not as much! 
Oh Sean Sean what have you done to me! Because it's all your fault you know. All the success I've had losing weight by eating foods I normally eat is due to your influence. You're the first person I ever read who ate this way--and you lost weight! I still remember finding your blog and realizing that this was it, this was the way I was going to lose weight. Eating 1500 calories a day and walking. I know that you don't just walk anymore, and someday I hope to do more too.
It all boils down to the choices I make every day. I can grab a handful of chips out of the bag and scarf them down. Or I don't. It's truly that simple. I can buy a candy bar at the checkout at the store. Or I don't. MY decision, if I eat it it goes in the log for the day. So there is no cheating is there? How can it be cheating when I set my own goals? Who cares what anybody else thinks about how much or what I eat? It's ME I have to face at the end of the day. And boy, I have faced me too much and hated me for so long. 
I think I'm rambling now. I reread all that and I'm not sure it made sense but I'm leaving it in. 
Words cannot express how it feels to have my weight loss be front and center in my life again. Yes, and all that entails, including talking about my calories all the time and making darn sure I get a walk in every day. Hey, I wish I was one of those wonderful weight loss blogger people who never let us down and consistently lose weight and blog faithfully and never let life get in the way of all that. But I'm not. I was sick for 6 months. I got discouraged. I started gaining my weight back. I was very very close to becoming blind in one eye, with the other following closely behind. It was super duper hot this summer and I hate being hot and sweaty and I did NOT want to walk in that. I got bored with blogging and took a break. I should have announced that I was doing that, some people actually thought I died. Well this time around, I know what I'm doing, and blogging is for the accountability, so I don't care how incredibly boring my day is I'm going to write about it. And include my food diary. It really doesn't bother me if anyone reads this or not. 
I love going to bed with calories to spare.
Ran across this website you have to visit:
Oh the food on this! How do people come up with this stuff?
Enjoy it all. 
Making wise choices because I hate being fat,

Sunday, October 30, 2011

Busy Sunday, No Nap for Me!

Church this AM, then putzed around on the computer. Took the LONG walk today around the horseshoe. Man that was hard! But I finished. I died a bit when I got home, sat on the front porch for about 10 minutes relaxing. Laid down for about 20 minutes, then got everybody up and out the door for evening church.
Then went to friend's for supper.
Now MG quite possibly has a stomach virus, she is white as a sheet. Don't give it to me!
Food for the day:
Standard 200 calorie breakfast
Homemade burrito 400 cal
Queso chips 160 cal
After church supper of 1 chili dog, 3 crackers, 1/3 banana with a bit of chocolate dip, 4 small pieces of cheese, 2 sips of punch, 1/2 small piece of banana cake--I estimate all this at 800 calories. I have absolutely no idea what everything really is, I just tried so hard to have small portions of a small amount of food. 
But this is what real life is all about. I am not always going to have calorie information available to me. I can either
a. not eat at all which I would have died, I hadn't eaten since noon
b. do what I did, have 1 serving, stay away from pop.
I think I did okay. I really don't care what anybody else thinks. I set my own limits and goals. 1500 calories is what I shoot for, and if I actually DID go over, well, I did my best to stay under. 
For the most part, I know exactly how many calories are in the foods I eat. 
So pretty tired now, ready for bed. Can't believe Halloween is tomorrow. I only have 1 costume ready, MG is going to be the corpse bride, man I hope she isn't sick tomorrow! I totally didn't even think about a costume for Siah, or any of the other kids really. This whole retina surgery thing has taken up so much of my thoughts, why didn't I remember that more than 1 kid is going to want to trick or treat?
I also have to bag up the candy, which I forgot to buy little ziploc bags. 
I walked by myself today. My normal walking partner was taking a nap. Lucky dog. Was a little hard, stopped 3 times for a breather! Funny how quickly your stamina goes away. Kind of had a few feelings of rebelliousness about walking. It's just so HARD right now. And I went through this at the very beginning of my journey, and I hate having to go through it again! That's why I never picked up smoking after I quit 20 years ago, I don't want to have to quit again it was so difficult. I guess maybe this is a good lesson for me. Don't stop walking/working out or I'll struggle again. 
I have to have some kind of indoor exercise for when walking weather goes away. Because it will go away. I can't do anything jumpy/bouncy. I actually like the dance game we have for the wii. It's so fun and man does it knock me for a loop! That's what I want, something fun. Maybe I'll just do that? We also have wii fitness but I swear, when it comes to our tv and the wii I am a complete nincompoop about getting it to come on. You have to go to these special settings on the tv to turn it from tv to the wii, and I always have to have the kids do it for me. And yet I know so much about computers! Go figure!
Oh! I was horrified to discover that the walk around the horseshoe which I always thought was 1.7 miles is actually 1.15 miles! Now how did that happen? I did something wrong when I mapped my route and actually, it is really upsetting to find that it took me so long to walk ONE MILE. It was different thinking I was walking almost 2 miles. So I'm a little disconcerted.
Was a good day.
Making wise choices the theme of my life,

Saturday, October 29, 2011

Day Two of Being 'Back' Memories and What I Ate Today and I Lost 4 Pounds!

My very very first post:

Wednesday, May 27, 2009 
Exciting, yes? Everyone says this is what you are supposed to do, journal while you lose weight, so I am succumbing to peer pressure and adding my own ramblings to the plethora of weightloss blogs out in the cosmos.
Tonight I walked with my buddy down the street. Had to pause 3 times to catch our breath! So glad she is willing to go with me, I'd hate to have to go alone.
I really have no way to judge how many calories I am eating right now. I guess I'll have to figure that out soon, right? So far I am attempting to eat when I am truly hungry and limit my portions. Sometimes it works. Sometimes it doesn't. There are just days when nothing satisfies, you know?
I know this: I never ever want to go back to the depression and discouragement that was my life before now. I had just basically given up. I know I needed to lose weight; I'm 47, and it is only going to get worse, but the sense of failure was so strong. I have tried off and on through the years but when I would mess up ONE TIME well, that was it, I was a failure, I knew I could never lose weight, and it was all over.
So my first two big goals are thus: to walk everyday, and to not give up. NEVER GIVE UP NEVER SURRENDER!
No matter what.
Oh, and officially this is day 10.

Kind of weird reading that. It was 2 years ago that things changed for me, never to go back to 'normal'. I have never given up. Never stopped trying. How glad I am to be 'back', putting weight loss front and center in my life. It kind of got shoved out of the way to make room for other things.

I am definitely not the same person I was then. Boy I know what I'm doing now. I count those calories, actually WRITE THEM DOWN. That does make a difference. 

Someone else's first post. Yeah, it's one of those pensive days. Looking back and remembering how incredible it was that I found that blog early in my journey. I googled 'top weight loss blogs' and many of the ones I found were dead. Out of curiosity I checked the men's blogs in the list and there it was. Sean's blog. That was where I got my 1500 calories a day and walking from. When I found him, he had lost 170 pounds. I went back and over the course of 3 days I read every. single. post. starting from Day 1. Crying. Blubbering at the computer because I could relate to everything. I didn't start at 505, I started at 356, but it was still so familiar to me, everything. 

Of course he has done wonderfully, hit goal of 235, wrote a book. I got lost dealing with sickness, life, and loss of vision. But my main goal has been to never give up. Never surrender. And I haven't. So thanks, Sean, for putting yourself out there for people like me. So many bloggers disappoint because they fail, they justify, they don't fulfill OUR dreams of losing weight, letting us down. You show us that you CAN have a bump in the road and you CAN figure out why and you CAN learn something from it and then you CAN go on. Okay I'm done with the gushing.

I made two things today that I had to use math skills to figure out how much a serving was. Chipped beef on toast, and rice krispy scotcheroos. Okay, after laborious thinking and using the calculator on my computer here is the results:

Chipped beef on toast--1/2 c on white bread 250 calories. 
Scotcherooes: 1 serving 425 calories. FOUR HUNDRED TWENTY FIVE CALORIES for 1/24 of a 13x9 pan. Yeah, I'm freaking out too. 

Okay here's my food eaten for the day:

1 serving cereal 120 cal
1/2 c milk 50 cal
1/2 c juice 50 cal
2 tostados 300 cal
1 sq ghiradelli 73 cal
2 servings chipped beef on toast 500 cal
1/2 serving scotcheroo 215

Incredible that it was dinner and the rice krispy thing that pushed me close to my 1500 limit. Looks like I'm skipping the popcorn tonight. I don't care.

Hubby is taking the kids to a rinky dink haunted house in a little town south of us. The kids are SO EXCITED. I am staying home. There's a slide at the end! I am not feeling the slide. Sure, I can go down. But will I go all the way down, or will I get stuck? And how am I getting up at the end? No way anyone's going to be able to haul me to my feet. How embarrassing to have to turn to all 4's to get up like I normally do, but doing it in front of other folks? No way. 

So I'll be staying home, finishing up some laundry, doing the dishes, and messing around on the computer. 

OH the big news I can't believe I didn't put it first! Ran into the clinic and had them check my blood pressure---130/80! AND I lost 4 pounds! Incredible! Unbelievable! Why am I always surprised that what I am doing is working? I guess because I'm not eating 'healthy' foods like everyone else does. I'm kind of jealous that they like that stuff. I don't. Every time I have tried to lose weight eating 'good for you' stuff I lasted about 1/2 an hour. I am having a surprising amount of success just eating what I always do, just less. And just walking! Man I wish I had a gym nearby. Well I don't have the money to join one so I guess it doesn't really matter. But just walking? How can that work? I don't know it just does. Weird.

Making wise choices a way of life, 

Friday, October 28, 2011

Blog now Malware Free!

Wherein I ramble on about my life, catching everyone up who cares to be caught up.

How simply horrifying to discover that my blog had become infected with malware! But it's all taken care of, so you can freely visit my site now, if you wish. The thought of giving somebody else a virus freaked me out. 

It has been a very interesting last couple of months. One morning I woke to find the vision in my left eye to be filled with 'debris'', like strings and dots and I was terrified I had worms in my eye. I almost wish I had. Found out I had a retinal tear in the left and the beginnings of one in the right. How it happened? My extreme nearsightedness and my AGE yes I said it my incredibly old AGE of 50. So I had to have emergency surgery, and I got to wear a patch, I was Pirate Mom. Then a month later I had the same thing done to the other eye. Now I still have 'debris' in my left eye which will supposedly go away in about 6 months to never. Yes, never. The right is great and I tell you what, I really appreciate my vision now. How easily it could have been taken away from me. And then I would have become dependent on everyone for the smallest of tasks.
So very thankful for the doctors who took care of everything so quickly.

I now take TWO blood pressure medicines. Yes, TWO. Around the time I had my eye stuff going on I had a physical and my blood pressure was 128/109. Yeah. But my blood work was beautiful!!! My doctor said she would kill to have numbers like I had. My blood work shows a total cholesterol of 156, with the good chol being 50 and the bad 92, my trig are 69 and blood sugars are normal. How can my blood be so wonderful yet my blood pressure so awful?! And all of my female parts are good. Ladies you know what I mean.

Took a walk today. Why it was a killer I have no idea.

My very boring menu for the day: (all foods measured/weighed)

1 serving Captain Crunch Peanut Butter cereal -- 120 calories
1/2 c milk -- 50 calories
1/2 c orange juice -- 50 calories
two tostados--300 calories
2 fun size milky way candy bars -- 160 calories
1 hotdog -- 130 calories
1 piece bread -- 70 calories
1/2 c chili --50 calories
1 1/2 servings fries --180 calories
1 square Ghiradelli chocolate -- 60 calories

Total calories: 1270 calories
But the day isn't over yet and I want popcorn, so I think I'll hit 1500 nicely.

It's been fun catching up on everyone's progress while I took my sabbatical from blogging. And some, like me, disappeared. But such is life. Things get in the way of writing, we get busy, bad stuff happens in our lives that kind of take over. 

Oh. I'm going to be a Grandma. How could I forget that! My son and his wife are due end of next month, it's a girl named Delilah Jean. We're all excited, and I hope she has red hair like her mother.

It's so easy to slide back into old habits. Not walking, not writing down calories, not journaling, eating chips from the bag mindlessly, not measuring foods anymore. But it's either change, or helplessly watch yourself get bigger and bigger. And we are not helpless. Food truly has no control over us, no matter how much we think it does. I have always known that I am my own worst enemy. Why I try to destroy myself I have no idea, but I do. I wake up in the morning and I hate myself, I hate my life, I hate how big I am, I hate food, I hate everything. I have to stop those thoughts dead in their tracks and I pray, thanking God for all He has done for me, and asking Him for help for the day. Those evil thoughts are what has destroyed me oh so many years. 

And I am not the only one. Evidently a lot of us folks have to change how we think to be successful in weight loss, well, in anything really. You all know what a fan I am of Sean, who continues to blow me away with the insights he has gained while dropping half his body weight. Even he, after all the weight he has lost, still has moments where bad habits rear their ugly heads. 

Hard to accept, but this battle will go on for a long time. 

Bring it.