Day 199--I weighed, 6 months, and seriously, 200 days?! Inconceivable! And a mouse.

So I weighed on Friday and 1 more pound is gone, giving me a grand total of 68 pounds gone hopefully forever and ever! And yet still I marvel over how it doesn't hurt my knees when I go up the stairs, that I have all kinds of energy, that I feel lighter, yes feel lighter just humor me okay? And I think I actually look good. Yes, I got showered and dressed yesterday and headed out to WalMart feeling so great. It has been so long since I have liked myself. It was through my weigh loss decision that I discovered that there WAS something wrong with me and got medication for it. I am gaining confidence in myself, my marriage is better than it has been for years, because losing weight CHANGES you, not just on the outside. Funny how my life had shrunk so much that I couldn't see beyond just not being morbidly obese.
I've been asked if I had it to do all over again, would I? My answer is a resounding YES. I look back over the past months and see

• I was never hungry. Ever.
• I ate what everyone else was eating, no special diet foods.
• I didn't have to eat stuff I didn't like.
• Walking was hard at first, I won't lie. But how proud I was of myself for every walk, even when my feet hurt. I love walking now.
• Everything is easier, from sitting in a restaurant to fitting into a car and even turning over in my own bed. And of course walking up and down stairs which I have written about repeatedly over the weeks.
• Every aspect of my life has improved. Which still blows my mind.

Okay so since my 18 yo daughter came home from working at that camp all summer, she hasn't felt quite right. Every once in a while she would complain of being nauseous, and not feeling well. It has escalated slowly but surely. Last Tuesday (the 10th) the nurse had me come get her from school. She has not been back since. She is nauseous constantly, lighteaded when she gets up, weak, lethargic, with headaches and abdominal pain. She has not thrown up once however. Things have deteriorated, folks. We've been to the doctor 3 times, the ER once. She's done a course of antibiotics, had a chest xray and ctscan, a cortisone shot and a steroid shot, blood drawn twice with complete workups both times and the second time being tested for everything everything everything under the sun like lyme disease, lupus, chronic fatigue syndrome, rocky mountain spotted fever. We are waiting for the results of those tests. And a prescription for Phenergen for the nausea which they said made her tired but I think it just flat out knocks her down for the count. I mean she is OUT. Can I say that I am completely and totally freaking out? It's a pure miracle that I have even lost weight the last 2 weeks with everything that is going on. All she does is lie there folks. If she gets up to go to the bathroom she is so pale and bloodless looking its scary. The only thing that gives me comfort is they did not admit her when we were at the ER. So obviously she is not dying. Right? You can pray for my Bekah Boo Baby is you want. This is all just so hard right now. My husband has no work. None. We are on food stamps, which is horribly embarrassing but I am so grateful for them. And here it is Christmas. Why does it always seem that we have no money at Christmas?! Forget presents, how in the world am I going to pay my bills!!! This week my husband was home, ALL of the kids were home sick on Monday and let me tell you that was so unfun. AND for some reason this is the thing I hate the most, my hair is growing out from being colored and I can't do anything about it. Yes I have a lovely gray stripe going down the top of my head. OH let me not forget that this week is Thanksgiving which I'm having at my house, my 2 nephews are going to be here til Sunday, and my daughter's 10th birthday is Thursday which requires presents AND she wants a sleepover Friday night. Okay I hate when people go on and on about how stressed they are, I've always thought that was so pathetic. There is a lot on my plate right now and I feel stressed out, overwhelmed. And there is this little flame of joy in my heart because I like myself, I like how I look, and the curse of my fat is going away. How weird is that?
So night before last I woke up and heard the bell on Elora Dannan's collar ringing fiercely and constantly and thought What is going on?! I went into the kitchen, without my glasses, and could see her playing with something, flinging it into the air, batting with her paws. Because I couldn't see I got down about a foot away from a dead mouse with guts coming out. And man I was out of there like a streak of lightning!!! I was scared I was going to step on a spleen or something. I couldn't wake up my husband because he always gets so mad if anyone or anything wakes him before he thinks he should be awake. So I went back to bed. He got up first. Which means he:

• got rid of the carcass
• cleaned up the remaining organs on the floor
• cleaned up all the blood all over the floor
• cleaned up the piles of vomit containing mouse fur and bones that my cat had neatly deposited on the kitchen floor. Two of them.

Can you see why I'm stressed? Everyone send me hugs. I need them.
Oh, and the kids only have 2 days of school this week. What moron decided to let the kids be out of school the day before Thanksgiving!!! I bet that moron doesn't have to fix a huge Thanksgiving dinner for family and get the house company ready.
And someone promised me a chest freezer and then called me and told me the seals are blown which I have no idea what that means but essentially I can't have the freezer.
Even though everything is hard I still have so much to be thankful for.

Day 191--Wonderful and Horrible at the same time? It's Madness I say, Madness!

Do not adjust your television set! You ARE seeing two posts in a row.
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Today was a horrible misty wet cold day at the football game but oh so incredibly wonderful for me. It was a day of firsts. You want me to list them don't you? Ahh great minds think alike.

• I am wearing a pair of size 24 zip up jeans for the first time in 10 years. Someone had given them to a friend who gave them to me. I happened to notice them on my closet shelf this morning and thought hmmmm. I held them up to me and um no way was I going to be able to fit in those but I'll try them on to see how close I am. They fit! They fit nice not tight or painful or anything! And the hems go all the way to my heels like pants are supposed to instead of around my ankles which is what my old pants did. Guess what I'm going to do with all my old elastic waist pants? Pitch those babies! I wish I could burn them.
  
• I walked through the huge parking lot to the highschool stadium and was not tired or redfaced or panting or sweating.
  
• I went up and down stairs easily with strong legs and much joy. How could something that used to be almost impossible have become so easy?
  
• I sat in a stadium chair. With arms. That looked wayyy too small for my huge caboose. But I fit in it with room to spare. The mental image of what size chair I can fit in has to be changed.
  
• I ate a cheeseburger and fries and had a lemonade and none of it was fat free or diet or low calorie or low sodium or even healthy. And it was gooooooooooood.
  
• In essence, I was just like everyone else. I was normal.
  

Because I watch what I eat all the time, I can have a wonderful day with yummy freshly grilled food and not feel guilty or think I'm overstepping some diet rule. I had ONE. ONE cheeseburger, ONE helping of fries, ONE lemonade. No nachos, no candy bars, no popcorn even though that did smell pretty good the longer I sat there. My friend said I have great willpower. Why do people always think it's willpower? I have none. I never have had any. Food is just not that big of a deal. I had eaten, I was full, I knew that anytime I wanted a candy bar I could eat it and I didn't like the ones they had at the concession stand. How is that willpower? The old me would have had a whole lot more to eat, and I would have not been satisfied. Odd that I have changed. I never felt like I was changing.
So anyways that is my post today.
And words cannot describe my thoughts when I came home to a house filled with the delicious odor of chili bubbling in my crockpot. I love when I am organized and plan ahead! I am looking forward to a bowl of chili with cheese and fritos and a freshly made roll. (None of it low calorie or fat free or anything, it's all the real stuff.) Isn't losing weight fun? Remember my friends, there is no such thing as a bad food, there is only bad food portions. A little bit tastes just as good as a lot.
But dang, no walk today. Weather is bad. Looks like a wonderful night to cuddle up in my electric blanket and read.
*Before I sign off, I want to thank you all for reading this blog. I am honored that you are interested in what I am doing and encourage me. This time of my life is the best time ever. Thank you for being a part of it.*
Toodles!

Day 190--Weigh Day and things I am forgetting. Yes, it's a list.

After I got the kids to school I went on my walk, then headed to the clinic to weigh. I am seriously considering getting my own scale now that I weigh below 300 pounds. So anyways, I lost 3 more pounds, for a total of 67 lost, I weigh 289!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I felt that deserved a bit of emphasis. Below 290! Everyday, Every Single Day I am astounded and amazed that what I am doing still works. It's just incredible. I eat cookie dough, I went to Sonic and had chicken strips and fries, and still. I still lost weight. I'm always having to brainwash myself away from the old 'bad foods good foods' mentality that I am preaching against. Habits of a lifetime are hard to break.
My six month anniversary for losing weight is next week. Half a year WOW that is a long time for me to be doing this! And after losing 67 pounds my life is so different than it used to be. I am forgetting how I lived.

• I am forgetting how hard it used to be to get up off of the couch, or the toilet, or any chair period. I had to lean HARD on something for support and then give a good heave ho. Now I just get up.
  
• I am forgetting how hard it used to be to walk up the stairs. It used to be so physically difficult to pick my legs up to each stair, they were so heavy. Now I just go. And everytime I marvel at how easy it is. I even run up the stairs.
• Any kind of physical activity such as housework or shopping left me red faced and panting. Now I do all kinds of things around my house every day and that never happens. And after I'm done at WalMart I just get in my car and leave, I don't have to sit there for a few minutes to wheeze and pant and drink my water and eat my donuts/candybar/junk.
• I'm forgetting how hot I used to be all the time. I revel in the fact that I am cold.
  
• I used to be so reclusive, and was getting more and more as time went by. Now I am not ashamed of how I look, I'm kind of proud actually, and I enjoy going everywhere. My daughter is in choir and band and for the first time EVER I went with her to conference stuff. And I rode the bus. And it was super fun.

I'm glad my life is not the same as it was, and I'm glad I'm forgetting how awful it was. Joy stains backwards you know, floods your whole life with itself, and the past doesn't seem as bad. I am filled with joy, even though things are tough around me. I am coming alive.
I want the next half of my life to be different from the first half. I will be George and do the opposite.

Have a great day folks.

Day 177--Huge, long, rambling but do you ever expect anything less?

WOW what a long time since I posted! I simply cannot believe it. I had to actually go back and count the days so I could title this post. First off, I lost ONE MORE MEASLY POUND last Friday but I am still plugging away. My walking had gone pretty much to the wayside because of all the rainy bad weather and then my mother-in-law's death. So nice to be back to walking daily. This is so weird to say: I missed the walking. Can you believe it!
Here is a summation of everything starting with the day I last posted. Warning: you might get bored and fall off your chair into a crumpled heap, so I am recommending you either tie yourself to your chair or get some caffeine.
THURSDAY: Hubby and his sister are heading to his Dad's at 8 to break the news to him. The most heartbreaking thing? Grandpa called to ask when he could go visit his wife at the hospital, not knowing she had passed away. We had to tell him he couldn't go, we were coming to him at 8. And he knew, he knew something was wrong. After he hung up, he laid on the bed crying, my daughter was crying. She went to her room to control herself, and 'be a rock, Mom, I had to be a rock!'. She sat on the bed with him and rubbed his back, both of them crying. She texted us and said 'What is going on!!!' And so we told her over the phone it was just TERRIBLE she could hardly talk she was so choked up.
My husband and his sister got there and ended up she was the one who told him. She was very tender, and was on her knees by his chair, everyone was crying. Hubby ended up NOT going to work that day even though he was sure he would. He stayed until late in the evening. All of his sisters came into town, there was much tears and food. Me? I made all the kids go to school then went back to bed and stayed there for the whole day. I literally felt like a zombie and just couldn't function.
That night was also the opening night for the haunted house in the school's boiler room which I didn't even KNOW was there. We all went and only my 14 yo son was brave enough to go with me, everyone else sat outside. Chickens. It was hilariously lame but I screamed and laughed the whole way through, gripping my son's hand hard. I mean come on, anyone is going to scream when something jumps out at them in the dark right? Then we gathered the kids and went through it again with the LIGHTS ON and they were still scared I mean seriously. Two sons destined to work in it the next night.
Also this morning, my daughter-in-law had the molar pregnancy removed. Sad day all around. The procedure went well with no complications. Just hard, you know?
FRIDAY: Hubby and sisters had big meeting at 10 about the funeral plans. Funeral set for Monday, private family visitation Sunday at 2. We were going to have a huge doodah thing Saturday but hubby reminded them it was Halloween. He went to work and came home pretty late. Both boys worked at the haunted house and had a wonderful time scaring everyone to death.
Son and daughter-in-law grieving for their loss, but she did feel well enough to head out to a Halloween party dressed as Marie Antoinette. My son was Michael Jackson. They were both dead though. I guess zombies are big this year. I'm glad she's recovering quickly.
SATURDAY: Filled with decorating the outside of the house with spider webs, getting my kids costumed and made up for the night. 14yo worked at the haunted house then trick or treated and came home. All the rest got their candy. I didn't feel like dressing up like I had planned but did wear a frankenstein headpiece. Much candy was inhaled by them but not by me. This is by far the weirdest Halloween for me, what with the grief and feeling like a zombie and then eating only the tiniest bit of candy. I had one little kitkat thing and one little sour skittled but didn't eat all those. Let's see how I do through the holidays!!!!!
SUNDAY: Had to be at the funeral home before 2. Was fun seeing everyone Wisconsin, Illinois, WVirginia and Florida. Fun but sad. Then it was super sad when we went in and did the visitation part. Grandpa was pushed up to the casket and they helped him to stand. He stood there wit his hands on the casket looking at her and talked to her it was SO SUPER SAD. Everyone was crying. Some of my kids were really broken up. We were there for 2 hours and then went to my husband sister's and the grandkids all sat around and shared memories of Grandma that were written down and shared at the funeral. Then we ate. By that time I was starving to death. We had subs and chips and all kinds of stuff, all provided by Grandma's church. I ate a modest portion not having any idea how many calories it all was but doing my best to gauge portion sizes. I did have root beer that night. And it wasn't diet. We brought home with us to spend the night a cousin from Illinois. More fun at a sad time.
MONDAY: Had to get everyone up and at the church by 10. It takes an hour to get to the church where the funeral was held. This was SO HARD AND FRANTIC AND RUSHED. Then we had the visitation and stood there forever shaking hands and thanking people and stating how we were related. I was last in line and felt stupid because I know everything I said had probably already been said before they got to me but there's not much to say is there:

• Thank you for coming
• So glad you came
• She was a wonderful woman
• We will miss her greatly

Thankfully nobody said anything stupid like heaven needed another angel or God wanted the best so He took her. That stuff is so full of crap. Yeah I said it.
Then the funeral which was super sad. Then the big dinner afterwards the church put on for us. Ham, all kinds of potato dishes, casseroles, salads, desserts. I had 2 bites of chocolate cake. I would normally have had at least 2 pieces of cake and then cast longing eyes at the dessert table for the rest of the meal. So different. I also only had one serving of my food. So glad that the way I eat isn't so restricted as it would be on a diet. I love eating what everyone else does. I love feeling normal.
TUESDAY: Kids go back to school. My oldest daughter got a detention for not having her Spanish homework done. Idiot teacher.
Okay the rest of the time kind of blends in together so I'm done doing the daily remembrances.
My husband was home from work yesterday and walked with me for the first time EVER. It was so fun! Can you believe I actually had fun! I so want things to be great between us.
I am now planning my Thanksgiving meal. I love doing stuff like that. I love to cook and have big family doodahs. I am going to do what Sean did last Thanksgiving and give myself 1000 extra calories for the day.
Quick snippets:

• I'm going to play the piano for my church. Finally. I played for 10 years at my old church, then we started a new one and the pianist would NOT SHARE the piano like a meanie. Really hurt. So yay that I can serve I love playing!
• I love life. I love me. I love everything.
  
• Autumn is so beautiful. I am cold and I hope I can find a coat because I sure as heck am not wearing that huge red circus tent that is hanging in my closet. I seriously dislike that coat. I am enjoying being cold compared to always being hot even in the middle of winter. My layer of insulation is going away!
• Things are going well with my husband. Please remind me that this has happened too many times to count. I need to remember it won't last.
• When I sit down my breasts have shrunk so much and my stomach is huge by comparison so I look pregnant. I also have this huge roll of fat that used to not stand out but does now, you can really see it on my hips in pants and stuff. My body looks so weird as the fat goes away. And can I say that getting fitted for my bras was the smartest thing I ever did. I am lifted and separated and look so nice in my shirts!
• I never give up. I never say 'okay I screwed up this day's shot to hell now in fact I'm a total failure and can never lose weight because I'm such a loser'. I will never give up. Ever. I'm far enough on my journey now that the beginning is wayyyyy back there. I'm not going back.
  
• I don't have 200 pounds to lose to get to my goal anymore. I only need to lose 136 which sounds so much smaller than 200!!!

I have received SEVEN emails from people concerned because I haven't posted. I will give you the same response I sent them: I haven't given up, I haven't slipped, things are still going quite well for me, just life has been so hectic posting was not on the top of my list but thanks so much for caring. That's why I am doing this, sharing my life with whoever wants to be a part of it on this blog. We are here for each other!
Oh and here is a totally fat filled recipe I want to share:

pop one bag of popcorn, sift out the old maids
melt together 1 stick of butter, 3/4 c brown sugar, and 10 marshmallows
pour over popcorn in bowl, stir
eat

And can I get an amen that there are no bad foods, only bad portions sizes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Love to you all my friends. Keep plugging away.

Short but not sweet

This isn't technically a post. Just a quick rundown of a horrible day.

1. My son and his wife went for a sonogram yesterday and found out they have a molar pregnancy. They are having it removed this morning at 7:30 . So heartache all around.
2. My mother-in-law died of a heart attack this morning at 2:15. My daughter took her to the hospital yesterday because of chest pains. No one was with her when she died.
   
3. Two of my sons have the same math teacher, who called me yesterday to tell me how poorly they are doing in her class. When a teacher goes out of her way to call you you know its not going to be because they're getting straight A's.
   

So yeah pretty much it's bad all around right now. Individually, they would be tough. But together? Phone calls in the night. Never a good thing.
Tough days at Zaa's house.
And this is how horrible I am. Everyone under the sun is going to be coming to the funeral and in my heart I'm so glad I've lost 62 pounds and look much better. I can't wait for my fat to no longer be a factor in my life.
Hug me? And pray for me.

Day 159--Weigh Day, Deep Thoughts, another anniversary, it's all good!

So first off, I weighed today at the clinic. I'm doing it weekly now and I like that very much for some reason. I lost 3 more pounds for a total of 62 pounds gone and I weigh 294. Okay I think that deserves a ton of exclamation points.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I mean WOW seriously! Me! I still can't believe I keep losing. I keep expecting for it to all be a fluke, that one day it just won't work anymore. But it does. What am I doing? I walk everyday. I eat 1500 calories. I watch my portion sizes. And that's all she wrote folks.
My 5 month anniversary was Monday. Five months! And my birthday is tomorrow. So I think a little looking back AND forward is in order!!!!
*******Looking Back*******
I was pretty much a normal kid, normal home, nothing weird. I was thin but I wasn't as thin as my cousin Dawn. I remember when she hit 100 pounds and we were all so freaked because she had NEVER weighed that much. So I marched merrily through elementary school and junior high not really thinking about being fat. Until. I hit puberty. I started getting some curves at the age of 14 and I noticed it mostly in my thighs. My Mom announced that I had thunder thighs. And so my life changed. I was fat. It didn't matter that I wore a size 12. I look at those old pictures and cannot believe I thought I was fat. But I did. I got married when I was 19, and my husband thought I was overweight. And I weighed 140 pounds. My first pregnancy got me up to 178 total. I lost down to 150, but just a few months later got pregnant again. I got up to 190, and then hovered between 170 and 190 for a few years. When I had my 3rd child, I hit 200 and have never been under 200 since--that was 20 years ago. With each child I gained and kept that weight. Oh, sometimes I would 'have to do something about my weight' and I would count fat grams--some ridiculously small amount, I think 10 grams of fat per day--whoever made THAT diet up was a sadistic pig--or start an exercise program that I would just as quickly abandon--I took Metabolife and lost 40 pounds, but then I got pregnant with baby #6 and gained it all back and more--lost 50 pounds with weighdown but me and starvation do not mix, I gained all that back and more--Eventually I just gave up--why even look at calorie information? It didn't even matter, I couldn't lose weight, I had no self-control, I was weak, inconsistent, gross, disgusting, a fat piggy slob. I seriously thought that about myself, and it pains me to actually type this out for the eyes of others.
******The Last Year*********
This year has been an incredible year for me. It started out with all kinds of negatives in my life: morbidly obese, horrible marriage, I was depressed and didn't even know it, grief over the loss of my Mother (miss you Mom), and yeah, that was pretty much my life. Then on May 19th, everything changed. And all I said was 'okay'. Okay, I will lose this weight. I was totally being led gently along, and found Dietgirl first, then Sean's Blog . I decided to pattern myself after him, eating 1500 calories a day and exercising daily, which for me ended up being walking since I do not have easy access to a gym. As time went on, I tweaked his method a bit for me. I wasn't counting my calories so much. I weighed and measured my food, sticking to serving sizes. I discovered that I LOVE cookie dough, but can pass on the cooked cookie. So when I make cookies I have a few tastes of dough and it hits that spot and I'm done. I learned to indulge those little cravings right away, before they become BIG cravings. I discovered that it wasn't strictly the numbers, it was the portion sizes. I found that I could eat absolutely anything I wanted, no foods were forbidden, and thus had to rewire my brain that there are no "good and bad" foods. I mean seriously, am I never going to have another hot dog for the rest of my life? Who can live like that? Everyone says it, so I will too: I'm changing my life, I'm not on a diet. And I can absolutely live like this. People look at me like I'm crazy when I say I'm having fun, but I am! This is! Fun! I would not be saying that if I couldn't eat pizza, regular old fatty pepperoni cheese laden pizza, or gooey chocolate cake, or crisp bacon, or spicy saucy tacos and burritos. I remember my brother-in-law telling me that moderation is the key. He said that many years ago. And how true that is.
***********The Future*********
I turn 48 tomorrow. I cannot believe I have lived this long and this life is what I have to show for it. I have been so busy raising my kids and now I turn around and say 'where have the years gone?' Those years NOT filled with towel popping fights with my kids, playing frisbee with my kids, getting down on the floor and PLAYING with my kids, running and bike riding. I am not that woman anymore. Something has changed in my heart, and I am no longer the same. Someone once said that the only way they would gain the weight back was if they just stopped caring. I never want to stop caring. I think that being so enormous and restricted gives me a better appreciation of losing the weight. Who would think someone would be so thrilled to weigh 294 pounds? But I am. I want to keep walking/running. I want to keep a watch over how much I eat. This journey that I am on is much different than I thought it would be. I had no idea that it would change my entire life. But it has. When I read my earlier posts I know it's me but it seems so far away, that other Zaa. I wonder how much I will weigh on my 49th birthday. I am gaining confidence in myself. I have more energy and stamina. I can run. I can run up the stairs. I can fit easier into chairs. I don't feel tired all the time. The goal of my life is not to stuff myself, but to enjoy my food. Which I do. I am eating slower without even thinking about it, because the food tastes so stinking good. Sometimes I find myself ravenous which is odd since I eat about 5-6 times a day. And man when I am ravenous I tear into my food and don't feel guilty at all. I don't feel embarrassed to go to McDonald's with my daughter because I order the dollar menu fries and mcdouble and water and it just hits that spot you know? Every once in a while you just need some hot fries amiright? So why did I label this part the future? I don't know since I haven't really been saying anything about the future!
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THE FUTURE STARRING ZAABABY:
She's thin, healthy, and runs like the wind!
See the wind whip her hair madly as she darts around!
Watch as she prepares normal food and eats with her family at dinner time instead of some weirdo freaky gross food fixed seperately from everyone's else and making it look obvious that she is on a 'diet'!
Listen as she goes on and on about how many calories are in what you are eating!
Limited seating, please call for ticket prices.

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Okay so there, I talked about the future.

So my life is good. I have to show you this from an earlier post:
Day 11: WHAT I HATE ABOUT BEING FAT:
All the creases and folds in my body that get sweaty and extremely smelly-
the huge underwear I have to wear-
not fitting into my bra right and always bubbling out over the top-
not fitting into chairs or cars or seat belts or booths without a struggle (I hate booths)-
meeting people for the first time and they get this look in their eyes-
going swimming and coming out of the water and the weight just HITS ME SO HARD-
not having the energy to do anything, even walking daily is a chore-
I can never wear a belt or tuck in my shirts-
I can't run or play frisbee with my kids on the front lawn-
I never take them swimming or to amusement parks or camping or anything and I SAY it's because we don't have the money but the real reason is because I can't do those things myself because I'm fat-
my clothes are old and ugly and stretched out from years of use and I hate them
Wow.

And this:
I hate being fat.
I hate meeting people for the first time and they have this look in their eyes.
I hate being the fattest person everywhere I go.
I hate my clothes.
I hate putting my life on hold because I'm too fat to do anything.
I hate what I have done to my body.
I hate that when I lose all my weight I will have saggy baggy skin everywhere that will be gross and disgusting.
I used hate a lot back then. I really hated myself.
Someday, I will see someone after a long absence and they will freak. Someday, I will fit into a smaller size bra and have pants that actually have a zipper in them. Someday I will look in the mirror and not see that extra flesh under my chin. Someday I will have more energy, I'll sleep better, I won't snore (I like to think I purr but everyone tells me otherwise). Someday I will walk into a room, will do my quick fatpersoncheck, and I won't be the fattest person in the room. Someday I will be a runner, me, a runner. Someday I will run a marathon.
Who would have thought I would have my someday today? Because all of that has happened except for the marathon part and the pants with a zipper.
Gee I guess I could just keep copying and pasting but I'm sure most of you have stopped reading by now. I do tend to blather on aimlessly don't I?
Oh, my blood pressure was 130/80 today.
Tomorrow is my birthday.

Day 152--Weigh Day and yes, your eyes are not deceiving you, this IS an extremely short post

When I weighed last week, I found myself at 300 which was agony to be so close and yet so far to the 200's. Went in today and weighed and I lost 3 more pounds making it a total of 59 pounds lost and I now weigh 297!!!! I have not weighed below 300 since my last daughter was a baby, 9 years ago. This is truly a momentous event for me. I forgot to have them take my blood pressure I was so excited. (I weigh at the clinic around the street) All the nurses are so happy for me. And I am happy for me too!
Today is homecoming in my little town. We had the parade this afternoon with free hotdogs, pop and kettle corn. It was fun and I loved seeing my kids in it. Tonight is the game, of course, and everyone is going and for some reason I want to take a nap.
This is an incredibly short post but I have a zillion things to do and I couldn't wait another moment to share my news. Have a great day folks!