Monday, January 18, 2010

Day 257--Eighth Month Anniversary, A Small (okay a big) Retrospective, and we have to have a list!!!

Well. It is just incredible that I am still losing weight and writing this blog. Eight months have passed since I had my moment, my click, and the only way I can describe it is like this: God reached His Hand into my soul and turned it one click to the right and everything fell into place. That sums it up. How many times have I tried to lose weight and didn't? How many times DID I lose weight then I broke some stupid rule and gave up and gained it all back? How long did I live with the feeling of being an absolute and utter failure, full of depression and discouragement, hating myself and everything and everybody?
On May 19th I made a decision that has completely changed my life. NOTHING is the same. Let's take a look back, shall we, at some earlier observations:

All the creases and folds in my body that get sweaty and extremely smelly
the huge underwear I have to wear
not fitting into my bra right and always bubbling out over the top
not fitting into chairs or cars or seat belts or booths without a struggle (I hate booths)
meeting people for the first time and they get this look in their eyes

This is Day 11 for me, and I boldly went to the clinic around the corner and actually weighed myself. I WEIGH 356 pounds!!!!! Those are not happy exclamation points. There was a time when seeing those numbers would have sent me spiraling down into discouragement and despair. But today, all that happened is it strengthened my determination to lose it all

I want to get up out of chair just by standing up , like normal people, instead of giving a huge heave ho, and leaning hard on something. I want to take a bath in a bathtub instead of a shower all the time. I want to wear a belt, with a tucked in button up shirt. I want pants that zip up. I want to cross my legs. I want to wear cute flirty shoes. I want to get my hair cut in a beauty salon and look GOOD. I want people to see me for who I really am, which they can't because they don't look past my fat.

Today after I got dressed I looked at myself and I look not quite as round in the middle. Came out and my daughter agreed. Caught a glimpse of myself in a mirror at WalMart and had to stop for a nice big look in that full length mirror. MY BIG FAT TOMATO MIDDLE IS NOT AS ROUND AND OMG I AM SO EXCITED!!! I have been praying for some sign, some small something to show me that what I was doing was working.

I hate meeting people for the first time and they have this look in their eyes.
I hate being the fattest person everywhere I go.
I hate my clothes.
I hate putting my life on hold because I'm too fat to do anything.
I hate what I have done to my body.
I hate that when I lose all my weight I will have saggy baggy skin everywhere that will be gross and disgusting.

Someday, I will see someone after a long absence and they will freak. Someday, I will fit into a smaller size bra and have pants that actually have a zipper in them. Someday I will look in the mirror and not see that extra flesh under my chin. Someday I will have more energy, I'll sleep better, I won't snore (I like to think I purr but everyone tells me otherwise). Someday I will walk into a room, will do my quick fatpersoncheck, and I won't be the fattest person in the room. Someday I will be a runner, me, a runner. Someday I will run a marathon.

And the big news of the day (drumroll please) I RAN. OKay okay let me create the scene for you. Me, at the park, on the path around the lake. Audience? There was none. I thought well this is the time. And I ran. For about 10 seconds. But I RAN. Then I RAN AGAIN. I had 6 little bursts of running in all. I can't believe I did it!

I feel in control of myself for the first time in literally ages.
So with all the ugliness of my life I have this bright ray of sunshine streaming through the dark clouds.

You know I don't feel fat. And I don't act fat. In fact, it's always a surprise to see myself in the mirror. Ack who is THAT!

Thankfully, once again, my doctor was alone with no patients there or waiting, so I sat down to talk to her about my bp and lo and behold I burst into tears. I told her (condensed version) everything that had been going on with my husband, words were just pouring forth along with the tears, and how I felt I was always wearing a mask, I wasn't sleeping well, and I always felt there was this black cloud with me everywhere I went, and it had been this way for YEARS. If my marriage were different, my husband treated me like a husband SHOULD, then things would be different. And guess what she said? She told me I had the classic signs of depression. Me. The cheerful happy person, depressed?
She is prescribing anti depressants for me. Me. I'm kind of freaked but you know what? I feel so relieved to find out that I'm not just this big fat lazy slob who can't get off her rear to do what she should, but there's a REASON I'm like this.

I never want to go back to being discouraged, depressed, hating myself and everything around me. Hopeless. Doomed. A prisoner. I used to think it would be so hard to lose weight. That I did not have that special something inside me. I would see the People magazines with their cover girls who lost a ton of weight with no pills or surgery! and I would think man! I wish I could do that! And lookee! I AM!!!

My sister took some pictures yesterday. And one of them was of us together, and my face didn't look as round as it used to be.

What I am looking forward to the most:
Going to World's of Fun and not worrying about if I will fit in the rides
Wearing a pair of jeans with a tshirt TUCKED IN and I look fine
Being able to run
Being able to run up the stairs
crossing my legs
having a cat fall asleep in my lap. not on my chest, my lap.
all new clothes, of course. I wonder what my style is. It's been so long since I've bought something I liked. I get whatever fits. Doesn't matter what it looks like.
owning and wearing pretty silky pajamas and robe
having an actual coat instead of a thick sweater in the winter time--I've always wanted a deep blue one.
And the best thing, watching people's reactions to my svelte self.

I had a dream last night where my daughter and I were walking along a road, holding hands. All of a sudden we started running together, and it was effortless and freeing. I began leaping as I ran and I felt so joyful. When I woke up, I was moved when I remembered it. Because if that had happened a few months ago I would have been sad, discouraged and depressed, knowing that could never happen. But now, I know it will happen. I will run with my daughter one day, and it will be effortless and I will leap and feel joyful.

I will never be able to go back to the way I was before, all blobby and fat, camped at the computer, eating all the time. Why did I type that, 'never be able'? How about I will never HAVE to go back to that way of life. I know people lose and then regain and I think that's just horrible. Having that taste of normality and throwing it all away for food. I don't ever want to be this fat again. I hate it.

This was Day 56--already many changes for me:
  • hated myself
  • hated everybody and everything
  • ate whatever I wanted whenever I wanted however much I wanted
  • was probably socking away 4000-5000 calories a day
  • couldn't go up or down stairs without my knees hurting, being out of breath, and it was just plain difficult!
  • was proud when I ate salads (which I despise) because they're so GOOD for you
  • felt helpless, hopeless, trapped, doomed, depressed, discouraged
  • I love myself
  • I love others and everything. Funny what a little wellbutrin can do for you
  • I eat whatever I want in controlled portions, getting just as much satisfaction as I did when I ate huge amounts
  • 1500 calories is my limit
  • went up and down the stairs yesterday at church (it's a HUGE staircase) with no problems whatsoever. when I got to the top I felt like cheering
  • I'm proud of myself for the first time in who knows how long for taking control of my life and the food that goes into my mouth
  • I feel strong, powerful, full of joy and hope, cheerful, optimistic
I kind of feel like I'm cheating when I just copy and paste stuff from old posts but I couldn't think of a better way to showcase a bit of my journey. And now? Do I still feel the same? Am I giving up and going back to my old habits? Cause 8 months is a long time isn't it? Well nope I'm not. These are some of my thoughts right now:

  • I'm not giving up the incredible joy I get when I get dressed, put on makeup and fix my hair and then look at myself in the mirror. I am cute! I am trim! I like the way I look!
  • I love running up and down the stairs. I do it because I CAN. It doesn't hurt my knees or my ankles or my back. It doesn't do anything. I feel so light.
  • I don't snore anymore.
  • I am not afraid I will break something if I fall on the snow or ice.
  • I am not afraid of stairs anymore
  • I never even think about using the wheelchair stall at WalMart anymore. I just go into the smaller ones without hesitation. And I never would ever be able to use those small ones, I couldn't wipe in there.
  • I can sit in all booths, and tables with fixed chairs.
  • My bra fits nicely.
  • My underwear is so much smaller, when I was folding clothes I thought mine were my daughter's!!!!!!!
  • I've lost 75 pounds. SEVENTY FIVE POUNDS. That's almost 4 20 pound bags of potatoes. And that's super heavy.
  • I can run.
  • I roll over in bed without almost causing an earthquake.
  • My bed doesn't have a huge depression on my side anymore.
  • I have a real coat, brown, with a pink lining, and I have brown gloves with a dark woven pattern on them and a scarf of many colors primarily pink and brown with long tassles and a pink headband. I LOOK CUTE.
  • I have an ipod so I can listen to music while I walk.
  • If I eat a cookie I don't beat myself up at all. I just stop at one. I eat half a moon pie. I eat half a piece of cheesecake. I measure my food and drink. I cook regular ordinary food for everyone and I get to eat it too. Tonight? Chicken and rice, creamed corn, salad, hot rolls with melted butter on top and jelly. Then I had half a moon pie. I LOVE MOON PIES.
  • I actually see people who are bigger than me. I'm sorry if that makes me sound mean, I'm not trying to be.
  • When I do see people bigger than me my heart just goes out to them. I wish I could go up and say something to them about my life and how it is different.
  • My doctor is so proud of me. She told me my journey has been fun to watch.
  • Everytime I see someone I haven't seen for a few months they just FREAK OUT about how I look. You're right, Sean, it never gets old.
  • My marriage has completely turned around and is getting better everyday.
  • My children are proud of me. They love hugging me and seeing how far they can get their arms around me today.
Well dang I could just go on and on. I've said it before tons of times. You CAN lose weight, you CAN be successful, it is possible for EVERYONE to lose weight and not have huge horrible struggles. Don't deprive yourself of what you really really want. You love ice cream? You don't think you can stay away? Well shoot just eat it for breakfast lunch and dinner but measure out your portions. Believe me you'll be sick of it soon. I never deprive myself of anything. I eat when I am hungry.
Please check out my blogroll to the right. These are the blogs I read faithfully. But one most important one I have to point out for you to go to:

Day 11:
Found another blog yesterday about a man who started at 505 pounds and has lost 170. Of course I had to go back to the beginning and read through. How encouraging! And he's doing it the way I am: eating less and exercising!

If you do nothing else, go to Day One of Sean's blog and start reading his posts. Sean was who I patterned myself after. I am here today because of Sean. He should write a book. He is one of the most inspiring weight loss super heroes you'll ever find.

Oh. One last thing. Ninja Cobra died Saturday. Ended up that he had gotten into some anti freeze somewhere in the neighborhood and it poisoned him. My heart is flat out broken. I loved that cat so very very much. He had the softest fur and he smelled so good.
R.I.P. Ninja Cobra.
Be good and have fun my friends!!!!

Friday, January 15, 2010

Day 253--Ice Ice Baby, Weigh Day, and Life in General

I haven't weighed since before Christmas! First because they were closed Christmas Day and New Years Day, and then because I just felt so cruddy from that horrid cold I caught 5 days before Christmas. I am just now feeling better. Almost a whole month of sickness! So glad to not be sucking on Halls Vitamin C drops all the time. The grapefruit ones are my fav. By the way, I have discovered it is disgusting to fall asleep with a cough drop in your mouth. When you wake up the taste is--well, indescribable.
Okay so back to my weighing. I lost 3 more pounds for a total of 75 pounds lost! My doctor told me she was so proud of me. She had a student with her who was to put it bluntly flabbergasted. She couldn't believe I did it 'on my own'. Yep, no South Beach Diet, no Jenny Craig's, just me. And to be honest, I still cannot believe that it actually works. That I can lose weight and still eat the foods I love (that so sounds like a weight loss commercial right there).
I had a lurker delurk long enough to email me about what exactly I ate. (/wave Sandy, now you have to come out of the closet!). So here is what I ate today:
two scrambled eggs cooked in margarine
one toast with margarine
(I pile the eggs on the toast and eat it that way and it is yummmm)
1 cup oj
two tostadas--2 flat shells, beans, taco bell taco sauce which I adore, cheese
1/2 moon pie
1 cup milk
6 sour gummy worms. I love these more than life itself I think.
2 crackers with sharp cheese
20 cashews
1 piece french toast with butter/syrup
1 cup milk
I'll have the other half of the moon pie tonight with more milk.
I eat all day now that I think about. Kind of graze, like a cow. I eat when I'm hungry. Now I do say no to many things. I love the power that flows through me. Food does not control me I control food! But there are times when I savagely tear into my food like a crazed beast. Like this week, my daughter and I were out doing tons of errands and went to McD's and I had a McDouble and fries off the dollar menu and water. Man I was hungry and did that stuff taste good!
That's the best part about my life--I GET TO EAT WHAT EVERYONE ELSE EATS. No more preparing special food for myself that makes it super obvious that there is something wrong with me because I can't eat normal food. I eat meals with my family. I can make cupcakes and cookies and brownies because I know I can have one. No food is off limits, no food is 'bad' or 'good'. For the most part I hate salads. I will eat one occasionally when I'm out to dinner and there's a salad bar. And I despise fish. See this is really important what I'm going to say now:
It's not WHAT you eat.
It's HOW MUCH you eat.
There. Did you like that?
Okay so I walked this week to pick up my daughter but that's the first time I've walked since before Christmas because I was so stinking sick AND there's snow and ice everywhere! I know, incredible! And now the weather is warming up and it melts a little during the day then freezes at night and voila! instant ice! I beefed it yesterday walking my kids to school. My son fell twice, I fell once. I told my husband that until all this horrid ice goes away we are driving them in the morning! Even in the afternoon it's treacherous.
Now for totally sad news. My cat Ninja Cobra is deathly ill. I have no idea what is wrong and neither does the vet which upsets me horribly. And it hit so fast, he was fine Wednesday! So we took him to the vet this morning and I called her this afternoon and she said like 3 times 'he is a very sick cat' and I said 'Every time you say that my heart sinks into my toes' and she said 'I just want you to be prepared' and I said 'Prepared for WHAT!' and SHE said in kind of ominous tones 'he is a very sick cat'. Sigh. I love that cat so very very much. My heart is breaking. I know that sounds so stupid but there you are.
So the kids didn't go back to school until Tuesday of this week because of the ice and snow and I was about to go INSANE.
My daughter Bekah who has Mono is actually going back to school on Monday. She's been home since the beginning of November. We went to the doctor today and after a very thorough checkup they wrote her her doctor's note and it's official. I'm gonna miss her being around all the time. SHE'S going to miss having this lovely princess disease! If you're gonna be sick, mono is the thing to have I tell you. People waiting on you hand and foot, you sleep when you want, wake up when you want, do absolutely NOTHING but rest. Oh, and have a finicky appetite so that when you actually DO want something to eat everyone will go out of their way to get that exactly something. Oh and no more having that teacher come. She started out being nice but now she is not. Go figure.
Let's see. OH I have wrinkles around my eyes. I have always had little laugh lines and now I have official wrinkles. I am now officially old. The only nice thing about being fat is all your wrinkles are filled with fat and you can't see them. But believe you me that's the ONLY nice thing about it!
  • I love all the energy I have
  • I love all the WOW reactions I am getting. It was huge over Christmas! My son was home from the air force so all of HIS friends were here and over and over, every time one would come to the house they would wrap their arms around me when we were hugging and say MOTHER WARD (yes that is really what they call me) YOU LOOK SO GREAT/SKINNY/GOOD! Quite gratifying.
  • I have a cell phone and a debit card! I know I'm the last person on earth to get those 2 things. I love texting! I am quite slow. My phone has a qwerty keyboard which makes it so easy but still. And the debit card! I love not having to have cash for EVERYTHING or write a check. I can pop into Sonic for a chocolate malt with double malt and pay with my debit card. Yes, I KNOW how many calories those have. I have half and save the rest for another time. They're so darn good.
  • the little boy across the street got a kitten for his birthday but she thinks she lives here. We have named her Amelia Bedelia.
  • My son tried to rename Elora Dannan into Ezekiel. Why does he come here and think he can change my cat's name!!!! I know it's a boy cat but still, he is who he is.
  • We have been cleaning out my husband's parents house and dang are we collecting the loot. All of my sister in law's live out of town and they don't want any of it except for the things that are special to them, or what their Mom left specifically to them. There are boxes everywhere. And I mean everywhere. It's hard to absord another household. Oh, that's another thing. They had so much STUFF I mean these people are using things they've had for like 50 years! His Mom had a pin cushion in a bumble bee tuna can! I actually admire that. I can't keep anything. My kids destroy it all.
  • I'm disappointed in this church we're going to. It's 'seeker sensitive'. Those kinds of churches have their place but I just want a plain normal ordinary Bible church where nobody laughs if you use a KJV Bible and Sunday School and youth group and Wednesday night prayer meeting and have it be close to where I live. Is that so hard to ask?
  • Everytime I go up the stairs I run. Because I CAN.
  • I want to try sitting in a lawn chair but I'm scared. I don't have any to practice on! I don't want to have my first time be in front of people and discover that I am STILL too wide for the chair/it collapses under my weight! Because even though I have lost 75 pounds I am still overweight. I mean come on, 271 pounds is still fat. I wonder if I can find one to secretly try out.
  • I tried to hold 3 20 pound bags of potatos in my arms to kind of get an idea of how much I lost but I couldn't do it! Dang that's a lot of weight!
Are you struggling with weight? Do you hate yourself and how you look and everything you wear? You don't have to feel that way anymore. Stop eating right now. Tomorrow morning measure out your food for breakfast. Find a calorie limit to shoot for. Take a walk. Do you like bacon and eggs? ME TOOOOOOOOOOO. Two pieces of regular old fatty bacon is 80 calories. Eggs are incredibly low in calorie, fried in bacon grease they're a little more but who cares? I have 2 bacon, 1 egg and 1 toast with 1 cup of juice OR sometimes I have 4 bacon 2 eggs and skip the toast but NEVER NEVER skip the juice. Do you like waffles? Great! Me too! Have ONE. See how fun this is? Eat exactly what you like and have always liked and really want. But have one. And you'll enjoy your walk. Go to and you'll find it so fun to map where you want to walk in your neighborhood!
So thats it I think. I didn't realise it had been two weeks since I posted last. What can I say? I've just been so sick and the kids were all here and ugh! Love me anyways?
Be good my fellow weight loss superheroes!!!!!