Wednesday, November 30, 2011

It's the Little Things, Stuff I Wish, and No More Scale!

It's the small things. The little decisions that happen without fail over and over during the day that all add up to weight loss.

Scene 1: at the deli at the grocery store
I see they have crispitos!!!! Yummy flour tortillas wrapped around a chicken, green chili and cheese filling then deep fried, one of my absolute favorites! And there are 3 of them! I can't just eat one, so I'll get all 3 for my lunch.
I have absolutely no idea how many calories they are, and right now, since I'm nowhere near maintenance mode but still in the losing mode, it's safer to eat something I am sure of.
So I made the decision to not get them.

Scene 2: In my kitchen at the fridge, then the sink
Oh look there's still half a french silk chocolate pie from Thanksgiving left but someone forgot to cover it and it's all dried up so I'm going to just pitch it in the garbage disposal. Hmmm, I bet the middle pieces are still good and I could get a few bites of non dried pie before I toss it.
Um, no, gross am I seriously that desperate that I am going to do that?! Pick at the pie that is dried out in the hopes I will find some morsels of softness? How pathetic is that. 
So I immediately dumped it down the garbage disposal. I made the decision to not eat that pie.

Scene 3: the kitchen (again)
I wanted some Lay's potato chips. And nobody can eat just one. So since Rachel has lost my food scale somehow during the mad Thanksgiving cooking bonanza, I got out a bowl and estimated the best I could for one serving. 
Now I COULD have taken the entire bag to the computer desk with me, or piled the bowl to overflowing with chips because dang, they are so salty and crispy and good. 
I made the decision to eat that much and no more. 

See what I mean? Three small moments in my day, easily looked over as not important, certainly not deal breaking, in the scheme of my weight loss. But it's those same decisions that I made day after day that add up to success. Because guess what. I will be making more decisions tomorrow. I don't know what they will be. I didn't expect the situations today.  My successes today encourage me to more successes tomorrow. I guess they feed off of each other.

~~~~~~~~~~~~Stuff I Wish~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I wish I'd never lost focus this past year
I wish I didn't get as sick as I did this past year
I wish I'd never gotten so hideously fat
I wish I'd never told my family about my blog 
I wish I'd never revealed my identity on this blog
I compare my posts from the first days to the stiff, heartless posts from now and the difference is striking. Now I have no idea who is reading this. So I find myself constrained to really pour my heart out like I did at first, because sure as shootin I am going to offend somebody. Trust me on this, I have offended so many people on facebook it would make your head spin. I offended someone by putting a sad face :-( in a comment on their post. THE GALL.

~~~~~~~~~~~~Stuff that's different~~~~~~~~~~~
my pants are getting looser, at first I thought I was imagining it, but no, they are.
I don't feel as heavy. Okay that's a tough one there to describe, but that ponderous feeling is gone.
I seem to move quicker.
~~~~~~~~~~Kinda short but oh well~~~~~~~~~~

I have made a decision to not weigh anymore. I know, I know, blasphemy and all that! Instead, tomorrow Rachel and I are going to measure ourselves and keep track that way. Why you ask?
Let me tell you a story about me and scales. I hate them. They ruin my day. I dread getting on one. They have all this power over me, and when weigh day comes I am so stressed and freaked and not looking forward to it, I'm scared. Plain and simple scared of the scale!! Especially if I don't lose, or if I gain. And if I DO lose, it's never enough. I always think 'I worked so hard, sacrificed so much, and this is all I lost!!!' So for my sanity, I have put away the scale with joy and glee and embraced the measuring tape. 

No grandbaby yet. It was due yesterday. Hard to be patient!

Making wise little choices all through my day,

Friday, November 25, 2011

The Day After

Wow. Two days spent primarily cooking. Everything cleaned up nicely yesterday morning, (kids helping) and the food turned out great. My Dad ended up not coming. He hurt his back. 

I was very pleased with everything--the kids just raved about the mashed potatoes! Go figure. The gravy was great, and everything turned out delicious. 

I pretty much did nothing today.

And I didn't have that many leftovers, which was what I planned for dinner tonight, so now I have no idea what to make! Would be great if everyone would be happy to have pumpkin pie for dinner.

I ate pretty much everything I served. I tried to keep the portions small. I did have seconds before bed, of the turkey, potatoes, and gravy. All in all it was a pretty good day foodwise. But I did not stress about how many calories everything was. I just tried to keep the portions small.

Today my food was normal fare, except for dinner which I still have no idea what I will be making.

Rachel and Mary are out on the town, going to see The Muppets for her birthday. 

The rest of the kids: slept in, watched tv or played video games all day, and pretty much got along nicely. They go back to school Tuesday. 

For some reason I woke up early.

So it's been a lovely start to the holidays. No black Friday shopping, we haven't started decorating for Christmas yet. It's not even December. I like to wait til then. The kids all want to decorate sugar cookies this year, which I am horrible at rolling and cutting out but maybe I'll do better than before.

Bethany did well with her 'baby', but she didn't sleep much. I didn't hear a thing. *grin*

Making wise choices through the hustle and bustle,

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Day before Thanksgiving

I can pretty much sum it all up in these 4 words: I'm in the kitchen. Yes, when Thanksgiving is at my house, and my daughter doesn't cook so she isn't bringing anything, and my Dad doesn't cook so HE isn't bringing anything, then I have to cook it all.
So today I made the pumpkin pies, pretzel salad, boiled the eggs and peeled them, made the 2 vegetable casseroles. 

Thankfully I have a nice roaster so the oven will be free for other things tomorrow.

Tonight hubby will make the pecan pies because he has discovered that cooking is easy! I tried to hide it from him but he's too clever. So now the pecan pies are HIS thing which is allright by me.

Kids are out of school until next Tuesday. 

Food I have been eating:
burrito made with my taco meat
1 no bake cookie
chili with cheese (haven't eaten yet but will)
Yesterday I ate the same except I had a homemade hamburger for dinner.
And I did take a few tastes of the stuff I've been making. Tomorrow will be a wonderful day! I will be allowing myself 1000 extra calories. 

Oh and I cheated this year. Rachel brought home fresh rolls from the bakery so I don't have to make them!

Monday, November 21, 2011

The Beginning of the week from hell

Yep, Thanksgiving is in 3 days. And I thought it was going to be just my little family but then my dad said he was coming. So now my house has to be 'dad clean'. Which is slightly worse than 'mother-in-law' clean. I wish he had told me last week, then it wouldn't be so stressful!

Rachel and I were out and about today, picking up some bday presents for Mary and some cranberry sauce which for some reason I could not find at walmart. So it was a fun day.

Food I ate today
mcdouble and fries
no bake cookie
spaghetti and 2 meatballs
4 pieces of bubble bread

We're counting the days til the new little grandbaby hits the scene. But until then we have Bethany's baby she brought home from school--Everett. And it is very comical her responses to it. She gets flustered so quickly, especially when people are watching how she is going to handle all the crying. She is NOT happy about taking it to school tomorrow, but it is for a grade what can you do? It will be interesting to see how she handles it during the night. 

Man I had 8 babies. I remember how hard it was! And I had no help either. My husband didn't wake up at night ever. I was on my own. I really don't know how I did it all. Especially the last one, how in the WORLD did I homeschool and cook and take care of all those children! 

Dinner was really good tonight. 

I am noticing a difference in how my pants fit. 

Making wise choices be my new standard of living,

Sunday, November 20, 2011

I have no fascinating title for this post

Food I ate today:
half a sonic chili dog
half fries
half can of root beer (see a trend there?)
1/3 of a hoagie, and a few chips. For some reason it was really gross. Later I had
crackers with cheese
one small brownie

The choices I make set the tone for my day. Even when I don't make a conscious decision I am still deciding. Some days losing weight falls to the back burner. Other things creep in and take priority. But I still have the habit of checking calories; watching portion sizes; noticing satisfied signals to stop eating instead of the stuffed feeling. 

This is where habits come into play. And if I grab 2 brownies; eat everything I order at sonic; eat food that doesn't taste good to me; well, I'll be doing what I did before. And remember--if I do what I always did, I'll get what I always got. 

But I like my shape in the mirror. I feel pretty. I am not starving to death. If I get hungry I eat. How great is that?

All those years--waiting for something miraculous to happen--that special something--the pill, or secret trick, or special food that would be the answer to all my problems--all those years wasted when I could have been eating less of the foods I already enjoy. In the end, I didn't need someone to reach down and make everything come together perfectly for me to lose weight.

All it took was for me to say 'okay', I'm going to do this starting right now. 

And what joy! What freedom! I still carry around weight but my heart is light! How I have hated myself for being such a pig, so gross, so out of control. How my life has changed! I don't hate myself anymore. I feel confident, lovely, graceful, full of smiles that I freely bestow on others. And just because I count my calories? You bet!

There are people who do not understand why I feel this way. How can food be that big of a deal? What a good question. How DID it become such a big deal to me? Hmmm.

So the kids are home 2 days this week. Then off until NEXT TUESDAY. Nobody asked ME if they should have 4 days off from school. I just might go crazy. 

Oh, and my daughter is going to be pregnant for 3 hours tomorrow, then she'll have a baby for 3 days. Now that's the way to do it, right? It's for her child development class. She has to take this doll with her everywhere--even with her at night!--to take care of it. And I guess it cries until you do whatever it needs. Going to be an interesting couple of days.

Making wise choices be my choice today,

Saturday, November 19, 2011


I almost didn't post tonight because today has been filled with a lot of little unfun things and I hate reading blogs where the person just complains over and over, even if is justified. So let's just say that when dogs have diarrhea it makes your life a living hell and I wish I didn't have teenagers and leave it at that.

Food I ate today:
2 tostadas
ripple chips with french onion dip
1 chicken fried steak--I actually made this from scratch! My favorite food since I was a kid, and I've never made it until today.
mashed potatoes
creamed corn
1 bite of a killer brownie
I am so tired of writing down all the calories. 
I knew I was having a big dinner so I toned down on the breakfast and lunch on purpose so I wouldn't have to agonize over dinner.

Much busyness in the days ahead. Thanksgiving and all the cleaning and cooking associated with that; my daughter's 12th birthday; her 12th birthday party with friends; decorating sugar cookies with my kids; Christmas decorating and shopping; my first grandbaby is going to be born sometime in all that mess. 

Actually writing down 'my grandbaby' looks so very very weird. The thought of ME being a grandma is incredible. Grandmas are---well, they're OLD. My Grandma was old. Hard to accept that I, too, am OLD. I had always hoped that by the time I hit this time of my life I wouldn't be dealing with my weight still. Sometimes I feel like I'll be struggling with food for the rest of my life. I just don't see an end in sight, and that is part of what is making my day so stinky.

Making wise choices even when I'm tired of making wise choices,

Thursday, November 17, 2011

Lovely day with hubby!

He worked 67 hours in 6 days. So he was exhausted. He slept until 10, and then I fed him sausage, scrambled eggs, toast and juice for breakfast. Later we went to Walmart, the library, and the hardware store. And might I add how much fun it was just to be with him! I am so glad he's home.

Then he was hungry and we went to a little truck stop that has the best food in the world and we both had biscuits and gravy--he had 3, I had 1. It was a lovely lovely day!

After the kids got home I made chocolate chip cookies. Sam had 5 boys over after school to play video games. They ate ALL the cookies. 
So after dinner I made toffee bars. Simple and delicious, and very portable. David and Eli like to have a little sweet in their lunches they take everyday.

Dinner, I made vegetable soup and toasted cheese sandwiches. And it is very very cold outside AND in the house. But I ate something different.

Food I ate today:
1 toast 100
2 sausage links 120
2 scrambled eggs 150
1 biscuit and gravy no idea
hash browns no idea
1 sausage patty no idea
2 tostadas 300
1 toffee bar

It's funny, I seriously never eat anywhere but my home but in the last week it's been nuts. Hubby wanted to eat out and I was hungry too, so there you go. I'm pretty sure I ate under 1500 calories. But I wanted to make sure so I had a 300 calorie dinner. And a toffee bar. Mmmmm it really did hit the spot.

Tonight was a crazy one. Bethany gone with her friends to a youth group thing. MG had detention (!) then a book club THEN she went to a bunch of basketball games. Eli and Sam headed up north to 'the city' and Sam is supposedly getting his hair cut. Have I ever mentioned that Sam has hair down to the middle of his back? Yes, quite hippy like. And of course it's beautiful, smooth brown hair, and he doesn't even use conditioner! We'll see if he actually DOES get it cut. 

Oh and Meatball has something wrong with his ears, was scratching ferociously and hurt them. Rachel took him to the vet---and----Meatball was bad at the vet. He scratched one of the helpers very badly and they didn't even do anything to him because he was so freaked out. Rachel said when the man helper picked him up and put him on the table and laid on him to hold him still that Meatball SCREAMED. I didn't know dogs could scream. She thinks he hurt him somehow when he laid on him. And she doesn't want to go back to that vet ever again! She was pretty upset. And so was Meatball. We do have some steroids to give him, and ear drops. Huh. Ear drops? And someone please tell me how we are going to put drops in his ear when the vet couldn't even touch his ear.
All in all a very full day for all. Maybe, hopefully, I'll have the house all to myself tomorrow. 

Making wise choices through the turmoil of everyday life,

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Day of Surprises

Went out today with some women from my church, and had a lovely time. But. I didn't know it was for lunch! I just thought we were going to go poke around some thrift stores. 

So they pull up to a mexican restaurant that everyone just raves and raves about, I guess they go there all the time. I chose carefully the chicken enchiladas, I knew I could bring home leftovers. Well. It was disgusting. The food had no flavor whatsoever. I thought the chicken would be spicy or something but no. And it came with beans and rice. Again, bland. I couldn't believe it! 

I ate part of one before I decided there was no way on earth I was going to be able to eat anymore of it. So I boxed it up and nobody batted an eye that I hardly touched my food. That always surprises me. I always expect others to get offended that I don't eat. Now why is that? Isn't that weird of me?

So here I said I wouldn't be eating out anymore and then I did! Oh well. Leftovers are in the fridge. Anybody want some disgusting bland food help yourself. I am never eating there again if I can help it. Poor owners of that place! Do they eat it themselves? Do they know what it's like? Is there something wrong with ME? Or my tastebuds? Meh.

Had fun looking at all the stuff in the stores. Bought 2 shirts and a frog for my sink to hold scrub pads. I have always wanted one and never see them ever! I am very happy.

I ranted yesterday. Yes, I did. I apologize if I offended anyone. There is no ONE WAY that works and if we don't follow the ONE WAY we are not doing wrong. I feel that many of us are sabotaged by well meaning folks telling us what to eat and do and how often and we don't trust ourselves anymore. I guess that's what I'm doing. Trusting myself. See, I have read about weight loss my entire life. The only things I haven't done is surgery and the ones where they ship you your food. So I think I have it all figured out quite nicely. 

Food I ate today
cereal 120
milk 60
most of a small no flavor chicken enchilada and 3 bites of beans. I have no idea how many calories that is. I will guesstimate high and say 500 calories?
1 glazed donut. Yes. My daughter works at a bakery and I was starving and I ate one. 200 calories.
2 tostadas 300
grabbed a few chips 50?
total 1230 calories

My husband is finally home. All is right with my world.

Making wise choices because I can,

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Well, it's starting again.

Yes. I've been back on the wagon, doing fine. Only took 2 weeks this time for someone to tell me I'm 'doing it wrong'. Sigh. 

Okay people, I have tried and tried and tried. and tried. to lose weight the way everyone else says to. I've done it all. I've cut out the sugar. I've cut out the processed foods. I've eaten lean meats and no fat. I've looked at the recipes for steamed cauliflower and roasted brussel sprouts. And it would last oh about a couple of hours? maybe? Because see I have no willpower. I have no strength. I am a soft mooshy marshmallow. 

Do you even KNOW how long it took me to discover that I can lose weight my OWN way? 

I have failed over and over in my attempts to lose weight. I have been over 200 for 20 years, over 300 for 10 years! It got to where I didn't care, I had given up, I would NEVER be able to eat all the great wonderful nutritious foods that 'they' say you 'have' to eat to lose weight. So I thought I was doomed. 

And then.

Yes, I discovered this incredible shocking truth. If you limit your calories, you can eat anything you want and still lose weight.

Maybe I didn't make myself clear. I will repeat that.

If you limit your calories, you can eat anything. you. want. and still lose weight.

So that is my explanation to anonymous commenters on my blog. I really really wish I liked all the stuff I'm 'supposed' to eat to lose weight. Like fish. And egg whites, no yolks. And fat free cheeses and fat free hotdogs and fat free everything. And diet pop. But there's this really horrible picky child that lives within my soul and there is nothing I can do about it. I like what I like. YOU like what YOU like. They're different? Yay! Yay for the freedom to eat whatever you want!

I'm sure my anonymous commenter meant well. I'm sure he/she did not intend to discourage me from even trying to lose weight because gee I don't eat vegetables which adds guilt which is a slippery spiral slope downward into the pit of hell for me.

So I harbor no ill will towards you, friend. 

Food I ate today:
cereal 120
milk 60
half a chili dog from sonic 300
half the fries maybe 150?
root beer 160--son had comprehensive eye exam today, with dilation, everything. Last meal eaten out for a long, long time. 
half can of tun with 1 T miracle whip 90
1 bread toasted 70
more fries 150
brownie 400
Total of 1500 calories for the day.

Husband comes home possibly late tomorrow night, so tomorrow is the last day I have a car during the day. I am taking a trip to 'the city' and going to the walmart supercenter because I'm out of flour and I cook so much from scratch I buy the HUGE bag. And I also need a new pair of slippers.

And Thanksgiving is next week! I've got my menu all planned, the family invited. Rachel and I will be ironing tablecloths and napkins, deciding on table decorations, counting plates and stuff like that THIS WEEK. And possibly Bekah is coming home next week for the whole week. I have no idea where she will sleep but she is welcome to come! 

Making wise choices and standing strong against the  wind of discouragement,

Monday, November 14, 2011

Good Day Eating, Tough Day in my Heart

I'm tired of complaining about my kids so I won't. So let's just say today was not a red banner day.

Food I ate:
cereal 120
milk 60
McDouble and small fry 616
hamburger helper 1/2 c 180
roll 90
some sliced peaches but I don't know how much that is.
I am going to have a small brownie and milk before I go to bed.

It's cold. And I'm just tired.

Not much to say today. Just very glad that I am not running to food to comfort myself through this difficult time. 

Making wise choices in the midst of my storm tossed life,

Sunday, November 13, 2011

Teenager Teenagers I'm Gonna Lose My Mind and I'm a Winner!

So this whole mess with Sam is driving me bonkers. He has missed 10 days of school so far this year, and has been fine all weekend, and comes downstairs with vomit. In a cup. To show me that he threw up. And has to stay home from school tomorrow. I said you have to go to school anyways, you don't have the stomach flu, we don't know what's wrong, it seems to be a random thing, blah blah. Well. He's desperately ill, didn't I SEE the vomit in the cup? Ugh. I wish I'd had the guts to smell it. Vomit has that distinct odor you know. I hate to say my son is faking when I know something is wrong but dang. He's known all weekend he was going to school tomorrow. He will be missing school on Tuesday so he can go have his eyes dilated and a comprehensive exam to see if maybe something is wrong with his vision that could be causing his headaches. 

Headaches, diarrhea, insomnia, loss of appetite. Good gravy it could be anything. They tested his blood: everything's fine. No elevated white count. All organs working properly. If something horrid turns up on his cat scan I will feel like the worst. parent. EVER. I just feel in my gut that he needs to go to school, that if something big does show up, we will make arrangements through the doctor and the school for him to stay home and have a teacher come a couple of times a week to our home to keep him up on his homework. But until then. I have to do the best I can to keep the principal from calling me and telling me that it's 'policy' that no student misses  more than 7 days a semester. Like it's the law or something. I went through this 2 years ago with Bekah when she had mono. Ugh.

Sorry to bore any unfortunate readers of this blog, remember, the blog is for ME not for YOU.

Thankfully my husband is in agreement with me that he needs to be in school until we figure out what's going on.

*********Done with the Drama in My Life********

So today was a good day. I had a HUGE chocolate craving. Actually, I've had it for a few days now. I found myself nitpicking little things through the days, a little here, a little there, and last night I sat and thought about what I REALLY wanted. 

I wanted chocolate. 

I mean, something good chocolate. 

Like something I bake. So I decided to make my (world famous) peanut butter chocolate brownies. Yes, I had a taste of batter. Then I filled the bowl with water. Yes, I had a taste of icing. Then I filled the pot with water.

Then, tonight, after we got back from church, I cut 1/24 of the pan, nuked it 30 seconds in the microwave, poured my cup of milk, and MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM that hit the spot. 

Funny, I haven't thought about chocolate--or any food--all night.

Food for the day:
cereal 120
milk 60
2 tostadas 300
1 serving queso chips 160
1 corndog with mustard 180
1 oz fries --I guess 50 calories? The package said 3 oz 150 calories, and I ate 1/3 of that. 
1 luscious warm gooey chocolatey brownie 400 (I hope it's actually less and not more than that but I really don't care)
1 cup milk 120
Total 1390

I felt good today. Good in the I'm in the zone way. I turned down a second corndog, made the brownies this afternoon and didn't eat one until tonight, measured all my food. If I go backwards, eat the way I have for years, then I will look and feel the way I have for years. Which is awful. Discouraging. I'm tired of all that.
I'm tired of not liking what I see in the mirror.
I'm tired of clothes looking just not quite right on me.
I'm tired of flesh under my neck.
I'm tired of having huge, ugly legs, full of cellulite and pretty gross looking.
I'm tired of feeling tired.
I'm tired of the 'fat life'. I am so over it.

Man I can't believe I am 50, and I have struggled with this since I was 14! I never ever thought I would spend 36 years battling and never conquering this! This? I mean myself. Yes, sad but true, nobody held me down and threatened me with torture if I didn't eat more food. I did this to myself. I have no thyroid problem--even though I prayed for one. I even believed that if I ever DID get cancer, it would be the only kind that caused you to GAIN weight, not lose it. I have eaten myself to this hideous state. 

Well then. The answer is not to remove certain foods from my life. The answer is not to add certain foods to my life. Actually the answer has nothing to do with food at all. The answer is I have to battle and conquer myself. And it's a daily thing. 

Sometimes I do great, other times I feel like this out of control monster and that really knocks me for a loop.

Funny, I always thought I was weak. But I'm finding how strong I really am. If I can say 'yes I want this food I am going to eat it and nobody and nothing better stand in my way', then I can say 'okay, I may want this food but I am NOT going to eat it if it shoots me over my calories and nobody and nothing can change my mind'. 

I can be strong and eat myself into Jabba the Hutdom, or I can be strong and control my eating. I like the idea that I am actually strong and not this weak helpless creature. That when the desire comes to eat more than I really want to, I can fight the desire. And win. 

I win all the time now. 

I am a strong winner!

Making wise winning choices through thick and thin, 


Saturday, November 12, 2011

Cool New Saying

If you do what you always did, you get what you always got.

I was reading a book and I saw that clever saying and I am putting it on my sidebar as a constant reminder to myself that if I eat the way I used to, I will look the way I used to.

If I eat mindlessly; never measuring anything; drink lots of root beer and chocolate milk; have 1, 2, 3 brownies and a big glass of milk; go out to eat and order whatever looks good and eat it ALL, including dessert; eat far into the night; and never watch my calories or portion sizes; then I WILL GAIN WEIGHT.

Instead, I count my calories; have only one; eat several small meals a day; have only a small amount of calories be from what I drink; measure everything I eat; try to be as accurate as possible on my calories; if I eat out, I either save calories for what I want or I eat half; and I am LOSING WEIGHT.

Food yesterday:
1 piece of pizza
1 breadstick
2 chicken baja chalupas
1 order of nachos
And that, my friends, is about 1540 calories. Yes. Yes, I ate out twice yesterday and enjoyed every. single. moment. It doesn't happen that often that I eat something I didn't cook. I knew it was going to happen, so I skipped breakfast except for milk to take my pills. I wanted to make sure I had about 1000 calories for my night out with my girls. At first we were going to go to Applebee's but since everyone and their brother was there, we went to Taco Bell instead. And I am glad glad GLAD! I do NOT like Applebee's. Everything there is so high in calories!! I was going to get their boneless chicken wings but that is 1100 calories. WithOUT the ranch dipping sauce. And not counting the fries. I was in agony. We had much more fun at Taco Bell, we were the only people there for a long time, and I was FULL after that and didn't eat another thing for the rest of the day.

Food for TODAY:
1 serving capn Crunch 120
6 oz milk 60
2 tostados 300
1 serving queso chips 160
1 very small square (2 small bites) Scotcheroos

Haven't eaten dinner yet. Since my husband is out of town I am making 'kid-friendly' meals for the family. Stuff like corn dogs, frozen pizza, popcorn chicken. I don't like all that, and I'm not sure what I will eat tonight. I might have soup (180), or a french bread pizza (380). 

It's incredibly boring around here. No husband to look for in the evening. No husband to cook for. I'm not sleeping well so I'm tired. And of course, my youngest wants to sleep with me because Daddy's not home. I feel whiny and complainy. Blah. I used to comfort myself with food. Now I just get busy, cleaning up the kitchen, or vacuuming, or whatever.

All in all, good days.

Making wise choices, even when eating out,

Thursday, November 10, 2011

For some reason this was a long long day

Hubby left for Iowa this morning. He called me tonight to tell me he is going to be gone until next Friday! I was thinking until Wednesday, for some reason 2 more days without him is awful. I just don't like being the only parent here. 

Tonight I had to go around the house and make sure the trash was all gathered, then take it to the curb. I had to walk the dogs. I had to do the dishes, make sure the kids brushed their teeth, fought off the ones who thought they were going to sleep with me because Daddy is gone, and finally they're all upstairs bedding down. 

I have to get up super early tomorrow so we can be at the hospital by 8 for my son's cat scan. Why is it so hard to get up at 6:30? 

And I don't know why but the dogs are especially smelly tonight and they are ALL. IN. MY. ROOM.

We had a kitten named Lucy who refused to use the litter box. Notice I said 'had'. She followed Rachel on her walk with the dogs and ended up at a house down the street where they 'took in a stray' and--yes--found a good home for her!! Well bust my britches. They can have her and good riddance. There is nothing worse than having a sweet kitten who poohs all over everything in the house. I found out about all this through facebook, following threads. At first I didn't think it was Lucy, but as the days passed and she didn't show up I realized what had happened. Yay!!!!!

Pollyanna is still sweet, lovable, and uses the litter box faithfully. And is an indoor kitty. And such a love! So fun to play with her. For some reason she has to sleep with me, and it's just like sleeping with a baby. You don't move because you're afraid to wake the baby. You don't move the baby, because you're afraid they'll wake up. I have not been sleeping well for the last few weeks. 

Food for the day
cereal 120
milk 60
2 tostados 300
moz sticks from sonic 440
Katie's Dip with tortilla chips-- I know the chips were 160, more like 200, I have no idea how much the dip was but it smelled so good I decided to just have that for dinner. Besides, the kids had pizza rolls and I despise those things. I only had 1 serving of the dip.
I'm just really hoping that the total is 1500. It is probably less but to be safe I'm calling it a night.

Yes, today is the first of many 'kid friendly' meals I will be preparing while my hubby is gone. Stuff like corndogs, chicken strips, mac and cheese, chili dogs. Not sure if I will be eating the same stuff they are.

And what's with the no walking? This whole time change thing messes me up every year and before I realize it, it's dark outside. I am not walking in the dark. So no walk again today.

Thanksgiving is 2 weeks from today. So the holidays are pretty much right around the corner. I think tomorrow, after we get back from the hospital, or maybe even while I'm there in the waiting room, I'm going to make the first of my lists. You know, menus for the big meals, how many people will be there, Christmas presents for the kids, stuff like that. Will be good to take my mind off my son's brain.

Making wise choices in the midst of the storm,

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Why did I have so many children? and kind of a sad, discouraged day

Teenagers. Someone once said when kids turn 16 you seal them in a barrel and pass them food and water through a hole. Then when they turn 18 you plug the hole. I tell you what. I am just going to lose my mind. I tell my daughter that she's been gone too much and she has to spend the entire afternoon/evening with her family and she is completely outraged. It would have been funny if it was someone else's kid.

I didn't pay attention to time today, and was fighting the urge to eat (stupidly) and then just a bit ago I realized I wasn't eating frequently enough, I'd skipped my snack so no wonder I was feeling frantic. I had a few fritos; a couple bites of a cookie; some gummy worms. If I had had my head together, I could have had a nice bit of a snack! I didn't go over my calories, not by a long shot, but it was still quite disconcerting to find myself out of control like that--all because I was hungry. I should have just calmly gotten something to eat.

So tomorrow I will pay more attention to time and make sure to eat my snacks. Sometimes I am such a big baby. I was really getting upset with myself over this earlier. This whole thing with my daughter isn't helping either. 

Food for the day:
2 pieces bacon 80
1 egg 90
1 toast 70
butter 51
oj 84
2 tostadas 280
5 gummy worms 68
handful of fritos 80
3 bites of a cookie 72
1 1/2 pizzas made on english muffin halves I think around 350 calories, I'm making it kind of high because I didn't weigh or measure anything when I made them (I made 2 dozen of these things the kids wiped them out can you believe it)
Total 1231

No walk even though it was beautiful and sunny out! The day just got away from me. 

My son is having severe headaches, so he is scheduled for a cat scan on Friday AM. He thinks it's cool but I'm terrified they're going to find a tumor and he'll have 3 months to live. No wonder my son calls me 'worst-case-scenario-mom'. Pray for him. And me too.

Making wise choices even when I don't think I am,

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Learning to Deal with Wanting More

Today has just been one of those days.

First, my 16 year old son Sam has been sick off and on since he got back from working at camp all summer. He has already missed 7 days of school this semester. So he has been suffering from massive headaches for 1 1/2 weeks, diarrhea, nausea, can't sleep, not hungry, and oddly nightmares. Took him to the doctor today, and we're scheduled for a cat scan, a very comprehensive eye exam, they did blood work. I am trying not to freak out, but seriously, that is what I am best at. 

So I'm praying a lot, and when I don't know what to do, I take the advice of Elisabeth Elliot and I do the next thing. So this afternoon I folded clothes; went to the grocery store; made pancakes and sausage for dinner. Now I am writing this post. When I am done I will clean the kitchen. And finish up the laundry. I just feel tired today.

And this wanting more crud. Did I really think I would be able to change everything just because I decided to lose weight? Of course I'm still going to be greedy and want more because that's the way I was for YEARS! I can't let this derail me. Just because I think or feel I want more doesn't mean I am a failure. It doesn't mean I will never lose weight. It always takes me by surprise. I ate lunch today, and was full, and I had this hankering for something, anything, just so I could be eating. And I ate my lunch nice and slow. I had to say no. Man it's almost painful this desire that comes over me, it's like I have to have something right now and it's panicky. Saying no doesn't hurt at all, which always surprises me, and as I move on I quickly forget about it. 

I will probably want more tonight. And tomorrow. And when that happens I can't let myself get upset, because it's going to happen, and it's okay to want more, I will just not give in.

I'm sorry to go on I was just pouring my thoughts out in here.

Food I ate:
cocoa puffs 120
milk 81
french bread pizza 380
chips 160
root beer 160
pancake with syrup 200
2 sausage 150
milk 120
1.5 oz M&M's 70

No walk because of the rain, but it should be clearing up tonight and we'll have bright sunny skies tomorrow.

I hope I get a good night's sleep tonight. I haven't been sleeping well for some reason.

Making wise choices even through the tough times,

Monday, November 7, 2011

It's Raining a Whole Lot!

Yes, rain has hit the midwest and all I can think of is I hope some trickles down to Texas. We needed rain bad but I think they need it worse.

So no walk today. Rachel and I did some errands and then I have been chained to my washer and dryer, folding, folding. And I officially do NOT like Lucy the kitten anymore. You would not BELIEVE the amount of little poo piles I have found in the dirty clothes. Ugh! 

This morning, my husband let her in the house and she went right to the rug in the kitchen and poohed right there. Yep. She was like 6 inches from the litter box. She so wants to be an outdoor kitty, even a barn kitty I can feel it!!! Thankfully Pollyanna is a good sweet darling kitten and uses the litter box consistently. This has become a sore trial for me!

I make my own detergent now. I can tell you are totally impressed. I found a recipe on the Duggar family website and I make the dry, not the liquid. I have a front loader, so I use 1 T of this detergent. Yes, you read that right. One tablespoon. 
So I made a triple batch today. I had all the inexpensive ingredients in my cabinet already, so thankfully I didn't need to buy any of them since we are strapped to the gills. I feel so proud of myself for doing this! And the best part is it is just like store bought detergent but much much cheaper and eco friendly!

Today I struggled with wanting more. No reason. I just wanted more. Just one of those things I'm going to have to deal with. Why do I want more? At lunch I just didn't feel satisfied with what I ate. Okay I have to make a decision here. Either I am doing something wrong or I once again am facing sabotage from my evil inner Laura, the one who always tries to destroy everything. 

So I'm going to continue planning my calories and walking and if I want more, tough. What, am I going to starve to death? Hahahahahahaha! It would probably take me like 3 years to starve to death. 
I AM NOT GOING TO STARVE if I don't give in to this. 

I'm kinda tired of posting what I ate for the day but I'm doing it anyways and you can skip it if you want. It's for me, not you.

Food I ate:
cocoa puffs 120
milk 60
mcdouble and small fry 616 cal
1/2 c chili 149
1 slice american cheese 60
1 serving of fritos 160

No walk but yay it's raining and raining.

Do you know how hard it is to take 3 dogs outside to go to the bathroom when they're all terrified of getting wet and won't go? It's fun. 

I think my blog is hard to read so I am trying to change things up a bit. Putting in paragraphs, changing the color and setup of my blog, stuff like that. I don't even know how many people read this anymore. I was gone for a bit.

Oh, my husband goes out of town on Wednesday and I get to be MomDad while he's gone for the week. Fun in the sun! Not really. I hate being in charge of everything, the dogs, the trash, carting kids around, the discipline, the chores, everything. It's not even like a party when he's gone, I miss him so. Well, one good thing, I can stay up as late as I want on the computer in my bedroom and he won't complain of the clacking of the keyboard and the clicking of the mouse.

Making wise choices, evil Laura, whether you like it or not,
Good Laura

Sunday, November 6, 2011

I Love Food

I love food.
I love to cook it.
I love the way it smells.
I love the different textures of it.
I just love it.
I hate that I was this out of control crazed being when it came to food.
I hate that I ate so much food that I ended up at my highest known weight of 356.
If I liked to drink, I know I would be an alcoholic. A really bad one.
If I used drugs, I would be the worst of the worse. Probably strung out on meth.
Instead, I use food, and I am fat. 
If I did use drugs or alcohol, I could quit them completely and be done. But. With food, I still have to eat. Everyday. For the rest of my life. 
So I have to learn to deal with food, with my attitude towards it, because it's not going to go away. 
It's like I have this inner self who is bent on my total destruction through overeating. I eat a cookie. I want another. I have one helping of chips. I want to grab the bag and just shove chips in my mouth. I drive by Taco Bell. I want to hit the drive-thru--even if I have just eaten--and get some chalupas. Why am I like this? How did I come to this? 
People all over the world eat and have normal lives and are not heavy. They eat breakfast lunch and dinner, they have cake and ice cream at birthday parties, they go to football games and drink beer and eat hotdogs, and they stay the same size. How? Why can't I? Why does food have to be this conscious decision? Why do I have to feel guilty for eating ONE cookie? 
It's as if there's this secret club that I am not nor ever will be part of. The club of people who stay the same weight all the time. My husband is in the club. My husband's family is in this club. My Dad is. Is my body made up differently? 
I remember being young and not even ever thinking about my weight. I just was a kid, I liked certain foods, I didn't like others. I don't remember it being a very big deal. 
I remember being pregnant with my very first son and being horrified to buy maternity underwear--it was waist high! I had always worn bikini underwear.
When you walk down a flight of stairs, you don't take one step and you're at the bottom. You walk down them one by one. And so it was with my weight gain. It wasn't just one incident. It was a series of things:
I got married and discovered I could eat exactly what I liked when I liked
I had 2 babies in 2 years and didn't lose the weight
I then struggled a bit with losing but wasn't much successful because
I starting pumping out those babies on the assembly line. Yes, 4 years after I had my first 2, I had a baby every other year until I filled my quiver with 8 little arrows. And ended up at 300 pounds. 
My Mother passed away from cancer and I sunk down into depression and ended up at 356, but it could have been more, because I didn't weigh myself until 10 days after I started on my journey.
I know all kinds of women who have more kids than me and they are as thin as a stick.
Why aren't I!!!!!!!!
So here I am, at the whopping age of 50, trying to get a handle on myself. Because I sure don't want to struggle with eating more than 1 cookie until the day I die. I want to lose my weight and be DONE. I want to eat normally, healthfully, and not be eyeing second helpings of dessert while everyone else is totally done eating and just enjoying talking. I don't want to fight the lure of fast food every time I drive by it. I just want to see food for what it is: it fuels my body, and helps me live. 

Such ramblings. These are my thoughts today. Not sure if they are even coherent. 

Food for the day:
Cereal 120
milk 60
juice 40
Big turkey dinner at church where I had one small helping of
mashed potatoes and gravy
green bean casserole
2 rolls. they were that good.
1 small piece of the cake I made.
I really don't know the calories and I don't want to overeat at dinner.
Dinner was 1/2 can of tuna with 1 T miracle whip 90
1 piece of bread 70
1 serving of chips 160
1 cookie 200
So I'm just putting it at 1500 calories and calling it a day. 
And I am so wiped out I didn't take a walk but ah well, my hip was hurting so bad yesterday maybe it's good to take a break.

Making wise choices even at a church potluck,

Saturday, November 5, 2011

Weigh Day and BP checkup results are in!

We all talk to ourselves. And funnily enough, we say stuff we would NEVER say to another person. I talked incredibly hateful to myself. This is a sample of what I used to say:

I am a pig. A big, fat pig. I will never lose weight, ever. I am doomed to get fatter and fatter as time goes on. I hate my blobby glutinous self. I hate looking at myself in the mirror, what's the point? I can't change anything about my looks. I am helpless when food calls my name. I don't even want to know how much I weigh. Why even look at calorie information? Why even bother to say no to any foods ever? It won't make a difference. I'm going to be fat until the day I die, and they won't even be able to find a coffin big enough for me. My kids are embarrassed to introduce me as their Mother. My husband is embarrassed to introduce me as his wife. I can see the disgust in people's eyes when I meet them the first time. I hate everybody and I hate everything and I hate myself most of all.

But this is what I say to myself now:

I am focused. I am determined. I am going to do this. I am finally going to achieve my dreams. What do I want, more food? or to be thin? I have had more food my entire life and it has only brought me misery and despair. Today I will say no to food that is not within my calorie budget and it will bring me joy. Today I will walk, even though it is hard, and long, and my muscles are sore. Today I feel exultation in my decision to lose weight. 

What we say to ourselves is either going to make things worse or build us up. I would never tell a friend she is a failure, just give up and go grab that bag of chips in the kitchen, she's never going to lose that weight anyways. Would you? Yet I have told myself that oodles of times. Changing my attitude is key to my weight loss. So is planning ahead for the food I will eat. Like tonight. We're having hamburgers fries and mac & cheese. I know what I will be eating. I will have a hamburger (that I pre-weighed on my food scale so I can have a quarter pounder!) with a slice of cheese melted on it, no bun, 3 oz of fries (1 serving) and no mac & cheese unless it turns out incredibly yummy looking which it usually never does. If it DOES, then I will only have 1/2 cup it's so high in calories. 
See how easy that was? Stuff like this makes me hug myself. I feel so in control of what I eat and I never used to, ever. I would fight temptation and fight it and fight it and finally just give in with an oh well who cares. Now when temptation comes I don't even listen. I refuse. 

I walked the horseshoe. For some reason my right knee and hip hurt and today was especially difficult. I stopped several times. I hate getting old.

Food I ate:
1 serving cocoa puffs 120
splash of milk
4 oz milk 60 (I love milk and take my pills with it every morning)
1 Red Baron pepperoni french toast pizza 380
1 serving ruffles queso chips 160
1 homemade M&M cookie I just love these things so much. They are my favorite cookie in the whole world. I ate it slowly and savored every. single. bite. I think I am guessing 200 calories per? (Which is why I have only one. I used to eat 5 with a huge glass of milk. And then 5 more later in the evening with another glass of milk. Wow. Dang that is a lot of calories!)
1 hamburger and fries and 1 slice of cheese.
A taste of cake batter and icing that I made for the potluck tomorrow

This time around, I am using an app called 'Loseit'. You can get it for your phone or if you use google chrome on your computer. Great place to log in your food and exercise for the day, also they have a very active forum. If you join, friend me. I am 'lajoward' and would love to have friends in that community.

And now what everyone has been waiting for: My weigh day results!!!
I slept in til after 11 (!) then got up, dressed, and moseyed over to the clinic 1 block away. I love small towns. I just walked in to the back, and hopped on the scale. 302?! Wow I lost 5 pounds in 1 week! Way to go Laura! They had time to check my bp, clinic was slow for once, and it was 120/60! Woooot! So positive results for me. 9 pounds in 2 weeks? I'll take that. And of course I am horribly impatient. I want to see changes NOW. And I kind of do--my face looks thinner. I'll take that. I don't care if anybody else sees it, I do. The way I can tell is my mouth looks bigger, if that's even possible. Now if my gargantuan breasts and stomach will also look smaller--man what a day when those things go down eh?

Don't forget to turn your clocks back. I am going to enjoy my extra hour of sleep!

Making wise choices as fun as fun can be,

Friday, November 4, 2011

Sometimes I Think We Know Too Much

There is just so much information about nutrition and weight loss out there. You can find it through google, books, television, friends, family. In all my life, I have only known ONE person who has never dieted, was stick thin, and couldn't gain weight if she tried. She is actually what I would call gaunt, with kind of a yellowish complexion. Everybody else, from my Grandmother who was always trying to lose 10 pounds, my Mother, always trying to lose 25 pounds (or 15 or 10 or whatever would get her to 125), ladies at church, friends in my neighborhood, cousins oh I could go on. 
I can figure out the calories of pretty much anything I eat. I can also figure out how many calories I burned through any type of exercise, even sleeping! 
And science helps so much, don't they? They tell us what is bad and what is good. Remember when eggs were bad? Now they're good. Remember when bread/carbs was bad? Some people think they're good now and others don't. Did you know seaweed is in now? Yes, it's the new hit diet food. 
I can't believe how swayed I have been my entire life on what the 'experts' have to tell me about the food I eat. I have always been glad I liked dairy stuff, because of the nutrition in eggs and milk and cheese. You know, the people a few generations ago would have egg and milk mixed together to help them get over sicknesses and regain their strength. But now they are on the no no list too--milk is only good if its skim (white water I call it), fat free cheeses are acceptable, egg beaters all the way!!!! Okay I never use any of those at all. 
I think we know too much about weight loss that it boggles the mind. It makes us question everything. I have friends who are doing the Atkins diet. I have friends who are eating 1200 calories but it's all this weird stuff like kashi cereal (please don't say how wonderful it is, if you do like then I am glad, I think it's ridiculously expensive and kind of icky) and 'healthy' foods that you normally don't eat. How long do you think this will last? (Not long) And others who won't eat sugars or white flour or processed meats or dairy of any kind and it's funny, they seem to feel superior to the rest of us mortals who haven't discovered the 'answer', the 'secret' to weight loss. Am I losing weight the right way? That person over there drinks shakes and eats protein bars. That lady takes pills that make her poo in her pants but oh, it's worth it. (? Um, no.) Another takes a prescription pill from her doctor that is pretty much legalized speed, it reduces her appetite and gives her energy. The weirdest diets seem to get the most attention. 
Doctors have, as long as I can remember, said to lose weight you have to eat less and exercise more. They never ever said to eat only certain foods and don't eat others and do this specific form of exercise. And I like the generic way they tell us. 
It gives me the freedom to ignore the latest fads, ignore people who email me and worry because I'm not eating enough 'nutritious' foods. All foods have nutrition. 
You could walk down a city street and I defy you to tell me who doesn't eat white flour, or never eats fat, or refined sugar. Healthwise I think it's all the same. Which is why I gleefully embrace the ability to eat exactly what I want.

My food for the day:
Normal breakfast 200 cal
french bread pizza 380
chips 160
1/2 c homemade chili 149 I really hope that's right
1 slice american cheese 60
14 g fritos 80
1 homemade M&M cookie--I am thinking 200? It feels like 200
3 small bites of a pineapple ice cream dessert and I have no idea what that was so I am just assigning it 200 cal and calling it a day.
Total: 1490

I walked the horseshoe.

I weigh tomorrow and get my bp checked.

Making wise choices joyfully,

Thursday, November 3, 2011

I Love Fall Because I Hate Sweating

My favorite time of the year! Not just because my birthday is in October, but because the humidity and extreme heat have headed south for a few months. Ugh I hate sweating. I hate feeling all sticky and gross. I do NOT enjoy the summer. I remember loving summer when I was a kid. No school, swimming, playing outside, long days filled with nothing. Well now that I'm all grown up, summer is just like any other time except the kids are all home and it's beastly hot outside. I have to pay to go swimming, so how many times do you think I took my 8 kids swimming? Like never. I was secretly glad we couldn't afford it, because me + swimsuit = delightful video on youtube or america's funniest videos. We would go swimming at my brother's once a year, my kids always looked so forward to that, and I did too, once I was in the water. There my weight only meant I could float on top of the water effortlessly! I was just as good a swimmer as when I was a kid, and I could cavort like everyone else. Until I  had to come OUT of the water. Man, the feel of all that weight after none was just incredible. Hits you so hard.
I have always loved being able to cover up my body with more clothes! Summer means clothes come OFF and all the cute little girls and women with their cute little bodies and their thin legs and no cellulite or stretch marks anywhere can run around and be so attractive and here I am, in my black pants and t shirt, too embarrassed to wear shorts in public, hating and envying them at the same time. 
I get so mad at myself sometimes for letting my youth fly by and not getting to enjoy it. I am 50 years old now. FIFTY. That is so OLD to me. I never got to wear pretty clothes or swing on a swingset or play with my kids at a park or hold them on my lap instead of up on my stomach. I look back on all those years when my 8 kids were growing and yes, I was very very busy. I didn't even go to the bathroom by myself. You either 
a. go the bathroom with the door open because if you don't the little kids stand outside the door and cry and bang on it and put their little fingers under it and who can concentrate and the older kids say ewwwwww mom shut the door that's gross but they were the ones who always wanted it open in the first place!
or b. Take all the little ones into the bathroom with you so they won't get into stuff or make messes or squabble and maybe even nurse the baby because they just cannot wait 2 minutes and the toddlers hear your poo hit the water and want to look and you  have to talk to them the whole time about going to the bathroom and wiping and how important it is to be big and not poo in your pants.
How do women have time to even think about themselves? I had 8 children. I had a baby every other year since 1989. We homeschooled for 10 years. And I was busy. And I look back at those times and I hate myself for letting all the fat pile on but I just can't change the past.
I can only start now and work on today. 
Today I will eat 1500 calories.
Today I will rejoice because the children are all in school and I am home alone and it is quiet and peaceful.
Today I will take a walk.
I am not putting off my weight loss until tomorrow anymore. Because how many tomorrows do we have? I have wasted too many of them. I want to live my life without this burden that I carry, the fat, the anger, the self-loathing, the disappointment, the discouragement. I want to LIVE. 
**********A List of Random Wants and Wishes****
I want to run if the urge hits me and have it not be a big deal at all.
I want to be actually cold and not hot and sweaty all the time, needing a coat instead of a thick sweater.
I want to revel in the warmth of summer, not hiding in my air conditioned house, but out and about in cute shorts and tops and not look hideous but trim.
I want to go up the stairs 2 at a time without even thinking of it, like I used to, because I am in a hurry and it takes too long to go one at a time.
I want people to see me for who I am, not see the fat which is what people only look at and I am not criticizing because shamefully I do it too.
I want pretty clothes. Pretty.
I want to go canoeing again and not worry about my end of the canoe sinking WAY down into the water and my husband's side flying way UP in the water, or not fitting in the canoe, or any of the scary things I can imagine about being in a canoe while fat.
I want to be able to sit in any chair without looking carefully at it first.
I don't mind being big chested I just wish they weren't so HUGE.
I honestly don't care what other men think, I do want my husband to think I'm attractive, I just don't want people to think I am UNattractive. 
I want my outside to finally fit the image I have of myself in my mind. They never do match. I see myself so vibrant and lovely and trim and I can deceive myself when I look in a mirror but videos and pictures bring out the horrible truth. I am floored, ridiculously so, to see myself the way others do, the way I REALLY AM.
I want wise food choices to be natural, not forced. I want my eating less to be the way of my life, and overeating is just something I wouldn't do. I guess I mean having it be second nature.
And I wish I could lose like 10 pounds a week but it will probably be around 2 or 3 pounds. 
And I wish I could be thin tomorrow but it will probably take a year. And I wish that I could see a difference RIGHT NOW in my clothes or my reflection but it will probably take a few months. 
I wish I was more patient. 
And because I want these things more than I want to be fat, I will eat less today and take a walk. 

Such a cold and blustery day. I want to make Cindy's Soup for dinner. It's a cheesy potato soup. And now I'm in agony because I'm going to have to figure out how many calories this is which means much laborious figuring. 

Walked the horseshoe and my husband went with me! He said at first he thought it would be cake but by the time we finished he was huffing a bit. Now he understands why I need a few minutes to recover when I'm done!

Food Diary for today:
Normal breakfast 200 cal
burrito 400
chips 160
small peanut butter and chocolate brownie heated up in the microwave yummmmm. I'm assuming it's horribly high like maybe 350, 400? I really am unsure on this one.
1/2 c Cindy's soup I estimate this between 200 and 250 cal
1 roll 90 cal

So I am pretty sure I came under my calories but dang I don't know for sure. I hate eating stuff that I don't know what the calories are. 

Went out tonight to WM with some of the kids. They asked if we were going to McDonald's afterwards. Because sadly, that had become a regular part of my trips to WM up north. (there is no fast food in my little town) We did not. I told them we weren't and why and they were cool with it and didn't say another word. Sweethearts.

Making wise choices the cool hip thing to be doing,