Thursday, July 2, 2009

Post #26--Victory and a doctor's visit

Sunday, June 28, 2009

Weighed today and I lost 5 more pounds bringing me to 15 pounds gone forever and ever!!! I hope!!!
BUT my blood pressure was awful, who even knows why. 180/80! Yes! You read that right, I was so surprised. Thankfully, once again, my doctor was alone with no patients there or waiting, so I sat down to talk to her about my bp and lo and behold I burst into tears. I told her (condensed version) everything that had been going on with my husband, words were just pouring forth along with the tears, and how I felt I was always wearing a mask, I wasn't sleeping well, and I always felt there was this black cloud with me everywhere I went, and it had been this way for YEARS. If my marriage were different, my husband treated me like a husband SHOULD, then things would be different. And guess what she said? She told me I had the classic signs of depression. Me. The cheerful happy person, depressed?
She is prescribing anti depressants for me. Me. I'm kind of freaked but you know what? I feel so relieved to find out that I'm not just this big fat lazy slob who can't get off her rear to do what she should, but there's a REASON I'm like this. I'm this hermit, see. I don't like to go anywhere anymore, I stay in my bedroom and read or mess on the computer or watch dvd's. I come out to cook and play referee and assign chores blah blah.
And odd, too, I can't tell my husband BECAUSE he thinks pills for depression is a cop out and he wouldn't be supportive AT ALL. So I have to keep this a secret. Well, obviously not a HUGE secret because you guys know. When your husband doesn't pay any attention to you whatsoever you can hide a lot.
My youngest son is 12. Out of my entire group of children, he is the only chubster, the rest are all tall and lean. And he hates himself and his fat so very very much. He has watched me, I guess, and now he is counting calories too! But I am totally not being very strict with him. 2000 calories is a good amount, and I told him I was not going to be his calorie police, this was his decision and I want no lying about what he ate or sneak eating, to be above board with everything. You should have seen his face when he weighed one serving of cereal and put it in a bowl with 1/2 cup of milk. Quite comical. 'Mom, this is 180 calories!' so shocked he was at how little it was!
After this beastly heat wave is over, we are going to walk in the mornings together. Now to just be able to get up out of bed!
Food wise everything is great. I even made a cherry cheesecake for my daughter-in-law's birthday and figured out with much laborious math that one piece would be 333 calories so guess what I had today! Yep, a piece of cheesecake and I did NOT go over my limit! Nice treat, I must say. And had a grilled hotdog for dinner, it was so yum.
I love having no forbidden 'bad' foods. I love not feeling guilty for having a hotdog and cheesecake.
I have to say, I was a tiny bit disappointed that I only lost 5 pounds in 2 weeks. I am starting to look different in my middle section and neck and man I just want it all to be gone right now! But my doctor is quite pleased with me.
I am wearing a dress to church tomorrow that I haven't worn in 8 years. And I play, also, and have the offertory and am also playing for communion. In my pretty blue dress. Yes, I am wearing my mother nature's helper (girdle) with it.
Enough ramblings, I'm off to bed!
Make wise choices!

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