Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Day 72--wherein I return to the kitchen, pushbacks and insecurities

I discovered diet Sunkist sparkling lemonade today. It is really good! 10 cal per can. I made quesadillas tonight and yum they are so delicious. Mine came in at a little under 400 calories and I only ate half. The other half I will demolish when I get back from my walk.
I also have been suzy homemaker today. I made chicken spaghetti for tomorrow's dinner and believe you me it is NOT low calorie or low fat. Here is the recipe:
I'm pretty sure I'll end up having about 2 teaspoons. That thing is loaded with cheese! I do so love to cook but have stayed away from it because I am afraid I will just blow it all on some yummy creation I made. I think my hubby will be glad tomorrow night.
Tried to exchange my shoes for a different size but wait! I wore them outside! you can't exchange them if they have been worn outside! I really wish someone had told me that when I bought them. I could have saved myself the trip and the mortal embarrassment that occurred when I was told this in front of a jillion people in line.
Everyday I eagerly look for something different in myself. The way a shirt fits, or my silhouette in a window, or my neck looking a bit thinner. It's an adventure! Something is different everyday!
I've started doing pushups. Now don't freak, they're wall pushups! I have never been able to do a real one in my whole life. So I'm starting with these. Then I will move up to countertop pushups. I have no idea what comes after that. I don't think they should be called pushups when done this way. Pushouts? Pushbacks?
So I haven't walked with my friend for a few days and today she called and specifically asked me to wait for her, she won't be home til 8:30. I thought good for her! And I will.
My Dad is telling absolutely everyone about me and my weight loss attempt and I am so embarrassed. Why can't I tell people how much I weight right now? Why can't I tell people how much I weighed when I started? I am overjoyed to relate that I have lost 27 pounds but I am mortified, yes, mortified that I got this big. Maybe the farther away I get from 356 the less scary it will be. And why do they want to know anyways? Once you slap a number on someone everything changes. I am as big as 2 good size or 3 small size people stuck together. I don't mind telling them how I'm doing this, but those little details no way. Am I weird? I haven't even told my family my blog name except for my sister because I don't want them to read all this!
Can you believe that July is just about over? This year has just zipped by.
Sure have enjoyed having the air off and the windows open. Not only does it save on our electric bill, it just smells good with all the summer smells blowing in. Hopefully replacing the incredibly bad odor of DOG that pervades throughout my home. I am so not a dog person, but everyone else in the house is. Dogs stink! Give me a cat anyday!
My husband was overjoyed the other night to discover that Frank Black, his own personal idol, was actually performing up north. It was a sold out show but did that stop him? Nuh uh. He came home showered ate and like a bolt of lightning was out the door. And incredibly he got in the show! I am so happy for him. Frank Black had a group called the Pixies which I had never heard of until my husband introduced me. I didn't go, I didn't want to go, he didn't ask me to go. Why do I think that if I were thin and cute he would want to take me everywhere? Why do I think that he doesn't want me to go anywhere with him because I'm fat? Because that is what I do think.
Okay so that is about it for my MARVELOUS life.


  1. "Why do I think that if I were thin and cute he would want to take me everywhere? Why do I think that he doesn't want me to go anywhere with him because I'm fat? Because that is what I do think."
    Because we all think that. We are not happy with ourselves, so, we imagine that no one else is.
    Sweetie, beauty comes from within. I have known gorgeous women, umtil they open their mouths.
    Prov 31:30 - "Charm is deceitful and beauty is vain, BUT a woman who fears the Lord, she shall be praised."
    Your not weird for not wanting to tell everyone your personal business. I don't do that myself. People don't need to know EVERYTHING!!! You need to speak to Dad and explain to him your feelings on the matter. Make him stop!
    I am so proud of you! Pushaways! whatever you call them. I am ashamed to say that I have not attempted to do a regular pushup, let alone on the wall.
    I love you so much! And am SUPER proud of my big sister!!

  2. "Why do I think that if I were thin and cute he would want to take me everywhere? Why do I think that he doesn't want me to go anywhere with him because I'm fat? Because that is what I do think."

    I think because we are forever putting ourselves down cause of what we weigh and we think that every else thinks the same....You know what....they them you are just Zaa... maybe he being a male can only think of one thing at a time and at that time it was getting him there....stand up tall and dont take it personally...
    You are doing so well
    As for your starting weight....noone needs to know that....just tell them yep I have lost 27pounds.....
    They ask your starting weight you tell them it was 27pounds more than you are now...:-)

  3. Me again hehee
    besides your sister sounding so beautiful, she is so right about that verse in proverbs...there is also a verse that say Man looks on the outside but God looks at the heart.....Don't ever forget that ...

  4. That is good news about your friend wanting to walk with you.

    Shame your hubby didn't think to take you along with him, he obviously just had the concert on his mind!

    I agree about not having to say your weight - I too am ashamed about what I got up to and still how much more there is left to go. I feel judged.

    Oh, well, maybe when we have done it we can tell the world!

  5. dont take hubs personally. mine does this a lot, with bands he know i dont know. he assumes that i wouldnt want to spend a night listening to something i dont know. even thought i might want to give it a try, he just assumes i dont. normal for men.

    i havent told a living soul i know about my blog.

    as for the push ups. i joined the army in 2002. before then, i couldnt do 1 push up. i started just like you, doing pushups on walls, countertops, whatever. then i got on the floor and did them on my knees. then i was able to do 3, then 8 then 10. it builds up. i started just like you are now. keep it up!

  6. I never said the words "five hundred and five pounds" on the air---on my show until I was down the road a little ways. I was embarrassed---and sharing it with listeners, many of whom had no idea how much I weighed, was like pulling the curtain back on OZ. I was hiding, and very happy about that.
    But now, I proudly tell people how large I became---It's different now. I wonder if you'll also feel different about sharing your starting weight when it becomes a distant thing of the past?

    Push ups-push-outs--push anything...It's all good! The walking, the moving---the calorie budget. You're spot on this deal. You're on the road to an amazing transformation. Freedom from obesity straight ahead!

    My best to you always

  7. I think we all have these thoughts in our head. If I were only thinner, prettier, etc.
    I wouldn't take the husband not asking you along personally though. My husband does the same thing. Except it's usually a car thing with him.

    I have dropped weight only to regain it numerous times, and have vowed that this time WILL be different. It has to be. But one thing that always made me cringe and want to hide in my shell was ALL THE COMMENTS. Suddenly I was this center piece. And people felt they had the right to ask me all these questions. I never did understand that, still don't. But I'm ready for it this time.

    Hope you have a great walk with your friend.^_^

  8. You're doing just fine Zaa...we all know guys have one-track minds...he was just overly excited about getting to his concert...I'm sure it was no offense against you...but I do understand questioning why? We all do this...and we need to STOP!! Turning your life around, getting your mind in the right place, and getting this weight off is such an accomplishment and something you should be thoroughly proud of. And don't feel like you need to share anything you don't want to. We all deserve some privacy! :)