Friday, November 27, 2009

Day 204--Thanksgiving Blowout, and finally a diagnosis!

What a week this has been! First and foremost, we finally know what is wrong with my daughter. Her doctor called and said blood work results was trickling in (had to throw that pun in there it was too good to not!). Scary version? She has tested positive for the Epstein Barr virus. Nonscary version? She has mono! I guess the doctors just looove freaking people out with their huge scary words. Basically the cure for this is rest. And more rest. She determines the speed with which she returns to real life. The school said we can do the homebound stuff, or she could go halfdays. I love small towns! Yeah they better be nice to me I have 5 kids in that school! So yay for my Bekah! I'm so glad she's not dying of some horrible disease.
So pretty much this whole week has been taken up with:
  • cleaning
  • cleaning
  • cleaning
  • cooking
  • and more cleaning
But it's always worth it. Something was different this year. Know what it was?
I have energy.
To do anything I want around the house.
To cook as many dishes as I can.
To clean and clean and clean.
I have not had energy for oh lets say YEARS.
Normally, when I have a huge family thing at my house, I'm so TIRED. My feet hurt, my back hurts, heck everything hurts! I can never enjoy the family time because I'm so worn out but this year? Nuh uh, I had a blast! I was tired last night and when I turned off my light I was out and slept hard. Dang it's just so great to be normal! And of course it was wonderful to have people exclaim at how different I look. Just wait folks. I still have 132 pounds to lose!
My menu this year:
  • turkey
  • stuffing
  • mashed potatoes and gravy
  • cheesy corn bake
  • green beans
  • oriental salad
  • deviled eggs
  • pretzel salad (we actually call it prentzal salad)
  • pickles, olives, and sharp and moz cheese chunks
  • rolls with honey butter
Desserts were:
  • pumpkin pie
  • pecan pie (my husband actually made this! Can you believe it!)
  • birthday cake
  • ice cream
  • pumpkin roll
  • turtle pumpkin pie (my sister brought the last 2 things)
Talk about pumpkin with a vengeance I swear I am pumpkined out!!!
So I mentioned birthday cake because my little Mary Moo turned 10 yesterday. I got her some clothes, some blow pens which are so difficult to use I swear I am going to pass out when I'm coloring with her, some kind of dome thing you draw on and turn the lights out and it glows on the ceiling or something the kids just love it. Oh, and littlest pet shop. Which she adores. So all in all it was a nice day.
The bad?
  • My husband has no work
  • Bekah is still sick
  • The back of the driver's seat in my car broke a bolt and doesn't stay up. Does anyone ever think about that happening I mean come on. What a weirdo thing.
  • my oldest daughter is still living with us and there is a lot of personality conflicts between her and the younger kids
  • my cat Ninja Cobra got in a fight last week and got bit by his eye and I thought he was better but oh no he has to develop this huge abcess over his eye! I mean we are talking hideous. It must have burst and then formed a scab because it looked like this humongous goose egg with a huge black scab on it. And of course the vet couldn't see him on Tuesday, oh no, I had to wait until WEDNESDAY at 11:15. Dang I was scared. And of course she had to lance it, flush the wound (we talked about that didn't we? If I am ever in an emergency room and hear a doctor say 'Nurse, we are going to have to flush her wound' I swear I will freak out because it's horrible), and moosh the gunk out, and she even tried to SCRUB THE SCAB OFF. Did I mention he was not sedated for this? Oh, and he is oozing. From the lanced cut. On his forehead. And it's not just pus it's blood too which I did not expect in the slightest. I hope I am not grossing you out. Right now it looks like a volcano with this huge black depression in the middle. OH and he licks his paw then rubs it ON THE WOUND ITSELF to clean it so his right paw has this faint red tinge to it. But I love my baby!!!!!
  • We are on food stamps. Yes it pains me to admit this. I'm thankful we at least qualify. But I only got a prorated amount for this month and my next allotment is DECEMBER 19TH. Why I don't know. We are probably going to be eating a lot of pancakes. But it's better than nothing.
  • One of my sons has 3 F's, the other one has 2. And they seriously do not care. What is with these boys!!! It's not like they are stupid idiots. Wait, maybe they are. No I'm kidding.
  • The dogs stink! You might say how does that qualify for this list but if you have never had stinky dogs then I can't explain it. It has to be lived.
I weigh tomorrow. Updates on that later.
If you want to pray for me you can. Just pray for the OPPOSITE of what you have been praying for me because for some reason God thinks I can handle a whole heck of a lot of bad things at one time.
Oh I forgot. I gave myself 1000 extra calories like my friend Sean did last year. It was so wonderful to eat the food I prepared. To have ONE serving of everything. And it was enough! That's the best part, I ate exactly what everyone else ate just smaller portions. Why why why did I live my whole life thinking it was agony and torture to lose weight, to say no to food, to portion it! I love having control over what I put in my mouth. If you happen to be reading this and are trapped in a 'diet' with strict and ridiculous rules then I suggest you come away from the dark side. I am proof positive that you can live a wonderful life while losing weight.
And the most wonderful thing happened! My brother in law got an ipod touch for his birthday so he gave me his old ipod!! I downloaded the podcast for the first week of C25K and I am so excited! And also freaked because I normally jog where no houses are so noone can see me. I have to jog in front of people driving by probably! Eeep!
I hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving!

Sunday, November 22, 2009

Day 199--I weighed, 6 months, and seriously, 200 days?! Inconceivable! And a mouse.

So I weighed on Friday and 1 more pound is gone, giving me a grand total of 68 pounds gone hopefully forever and ever! And yet still I marvel over how it doesn't hurt my knees when I go up the stairs, that I have all kinds of energy, that I feel lighter, yes feel lighter just humor me okay? And I think I actually look good. Yes, I got showered and dressed yesterday and headed out to WalMart feeling so great. It has been so long since I have liked myself. It was through my weigh loss decision that I discovered that there WAS something wrong with me and got medication for it. I am gaining confidence in myself, my marriage is better than it has been for years, because losing weight CHANGES you, not just on the outside. Funny how my life had shrunk so much that I couldn't see beyond just not being morbidly obese.
I've been asked if I had it to do all over again, would I? My answer is a resounding YES. I look back over the past months and see
  • I was never hungry. Ever.
  • I ate what everyone else was eating, no special diet foods.
  • I didn't have to eat stuff I didn't like.
  • Walking was hard at first, I won't lie. But how proud I was of myself for every walk, even when my feet hurt. I love walking now.
  • Everything is easier, from sitting in a restaurant to fitting into a car and even turning over in my own bed. And of course walking up and down stairs which I have written about repeatedly over the weeks.
  • Every aspect of my life has improved. Which still blows my mind.
Okay so since my 18 yo daughter came home from working at that camp all summer, she hasn't felt quite right. Every once in a while she would complain of being nauseous, and not feeling well. It has escalated slowly but surely. Last Tuesday (the 10th) the nurse had me come get her from school. She has not been back since. She is nauseous constantly, lighteaded when she gets up, weak, lethargic, with headaches and abdominal pain. She has not thrown up once however. Things have deteriorated, folks. We've been to the doctor 3 times, the ER once. She's done a course of antibiotics, had a chest xray and ctscan, a cortisone shot and a steroid shot, blood drawn twice with complete workups both times and the second time being tested for everything everything everything under the sun like lyme disease, lupus, chronic fatigue syndrome, rocky mountain spotted fever. We are waiting for the results of those tests. And a prescription for Phenergen for the nausea which they said made her tired but I think it just flat out knocks her down for the count. I mean she is OUT. Can I say that I am completely and totally freaking out? It's a pure miracle that I have even lost weight the last 2 weeks with everything that is going on. All she does is lie there folks. If she gets up to go to the bathroom she is so pale and bloodless looking its scary. The only thing that gives me comfort is they did not admit her when we were at the ER. So obviously she is not dying. Right? You can pray for my Bekah Boo Baby is you want. This is all just so hard right now. My husband has no work. None. We are on food stamps, which is horribly embarrassing but I am so grateful for them. And here it is Christmas. Why does it always seem that we have no money at Christmas?! Forget presents, how in the world am I going to pay my bills!!! This week my husband was home, ALL of the kids were home sick on Monday and let me tell you that was so unfun. AND for some reason this is the thing I hate the most, my hair is growing out from being colored and I can't do anything about it. Yes I have a lovely gray stripe going down the top of my head. OH let me not forget that this week is Thanksgiving which I'm having at my house, my 2 nephews are going to be here til Sunday, and my daughter's 10th birthday is Thursday which requires presents AND she wants a sleepover Friday night. Okay I hate when people go on and on about how stressed they are, I've always thought that was so pathetic. There is a lot on my plate right now and I feel stressed out, overwhelmed. And there is this little flame of joy in my heart because I like myself, I like how I look, and the curse of my fat is going away. How weird is that?
So night before last I woke up and heard the bell on Elora Dannan's collar ringing fiercely and constantly and thought What is going on?! I went into the kitchen, without my glasses, and could see her playing with something, flinging it into the air, batting with her paws. Because I couldn't see I got down about a foot away from a dead mouse with guts coming out. And man I was out of there like a streak of lightning!!! I was scared I was going to step on a spleen or something. I couldn't wake up my husband because he always gets so mad if anyone or anything wakes him before he thinks he should be awake. So I went back to bed. He got up first. Which means he:
  • got rid of the carcass
  • cleaned up the remaining organs on the floor
  • cleaned up all the blood all over the floor
  • cleaned up the piles of vomit containing mouse fur and bones that my cat had neatly deposited on the kitchen floor. Two of them.
Can you see why I'm stressed? Everyone send me hugs. I need them.
Oh, and the kids only have 2 days of school this week. What moron decided to let the kids be out of school the day before Thanksgiving!!! I bet that moron doesn't have to fix a huge Thanksgiving dinner for family and get the house company ready.
And someone promised me a chest freezer and then called me and told me the seals are blown which I have no idea what that means but essentially I can't have the freezer.
Even though everything is hard I still have so much to be thankful for.

Saturday, November 14, 2009

Day 191--Wonderful and Horrible at the same time? It's Madness I say, Madness!

Do not adjust your television set! You ARE seeing two posts in a row.
Today was a horrible misty wet cold day at the football game but oh so incredibly wonderful for me. It was a day of firsts. You want me to list them don't you? Ahh great minds think alike.
  • I am wearing a pair of size 24 zip up jeans for the first time in 10 years. Someone had given them to a friend who gave them to me. I happened to notice them on my closet shelf this morning and thought hmmmm. I held them up to me and um no way was I going to be able to fit in those but I'll try them on to see how close I am. They fit! They fit nice not tight or painful or anything! And the hems go all the way to my heels like pants are supposed to instead of around my ankles which is what my old pants did. Guess what I'm going to do with all my old elastic waist pants? Pitch those babies! I wish I could burn them.
  • I walked through the huge parking lot to the highschool stadium and was not tired or redfaced or panting or sweating.
  • I went up and down stairs easily with strong legs and much joy. How could something that used to be almost impossible have become so easy?
  • I sat in a stadium chair. With arms. That looked wayyy too small for my huge caboose. But I fit in it with room to spare. The mental image of what size chair I can fit in has to be changed.
  • I ate a cheeseburger and fries and had a lemonade and none of it was fat free or diet or low calorie or low sodium or even healthy. And it was gooooooooooood.
  • In essence, I was just like everyone else. I was normal.
Because I watch what I eat all the time, I can have a wonderful day with yummy freshly grilled food and not feel guilty or think I'm overstepping some diet rule. I had ONE. ONE cheeseburger, ONE helping of fries, ONE lemonade. No nachos, no candy bars, no popcorn even though that did smell pretty good the longer I sat there. My friend said I have great willpower. Why do people always think it's willpower? I have none. I never have had any. Food is just not that big of a deal. I had eaten, I was full, I knew that anytime I wanted a candy bar I could eat it and I didn't like the ones they had at the concession stand. How is that willpower? The old me would have had a whole lot more to eat, and I would have not been satisfied. Odd that I have changed. I never felt like I was changing.
So anyways that is my post today.
And words cannot describe my thoughts when I came home to a house filled with the delicious odor of chili bubbling in my crockpot. I love when I am organized and plan ahead! I am looking forward to a bowl of chili with cheese and fritos and a freshly made roll. (None of it low calorie or fat free or anything, it's all the real stuff.) Isn't losing weight fun? Remember my friends, there is no such thing as a bad food, there is only bad food portions. A little bit tastes just as good as a lot.
But dang, no walk today. Weather is bad. Looks like a wonderful night to cuddle up in my electric blanket and read.
*Before I sign off, I want to thank you all for reading this blog. I am honored that you are interested in what I am doing and encourage me. This time of my life is the best time ever. Thank you for being a part of it.*

Friday, November 13, 2009

Day 190--Weigh Day and things I am forgetting. Yes, it's a list.

After I got the kids to school I went on my walk, then headed to the clinic to weigh. I am seriously considering getting my own scale now that I weigh below 300 pounds. So anyways, I lost 3 more pounds, for a total of 67 lost, I weigh 289!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I felt that deserved a bit of emphasis. Below 290! Everyday, Every Single Day I am astounded and amazed that what I am doing still works. It's just incredible. I eat cookie dough, I went to Sonic and had chicken strips and fries, and still. I still lost weight. I'm always having to brainwash myself away from the old 'bad foods good foods' mentality that I am preaching against. Habits of a lifetime are hard to break.
My six month anniversary for losing weight is next week. Half a year WOW that is a long time for me to be doing this! And after losing 67 pounds my life is so different than it used to be. I am forgetting how I lived.
  • I am forgetting how hard it used to be to get up off of the couch, or the toilet, or any chair period. I had to lean HARD on something for support and then give a good heave ho. Now I just get up.
  • I am forgetting how hard it used to be to walk up the stairs. It used to be so physically difficult to pick my legs up to each stair, they were so heavy. Now I just go. And everytime I marvel at how easy it is. I even run up the stairs.
  • Any kind of physical activity such as housework or shopping left me red faced and panting. Now I do all kinds of things around my house every day and that never happens. And after I'm done at WalMart I just get in my car and leave, I don't have to sit there for a few minutes to wheeze and pant and drink my water and eat my donuts/candybar/junk.
  • I'm forgetting how hot I used to be all the time. I revel in the fact that I am cold.
  • I used to be so reclusive, and was getting more and more as time went by. Now I am not ashamed of how I look, I'm kind of proud actually, and I enjoy going everywhere. My daughter is in choir and band and for the first time EVER I went with her to conference stuff. And I rode the bus. And it was super fun.
I'm glad my life is not the same as it was, and I'm glad I'm forgetting how awful it was. Joy stains backwards you know, floods your whole life with itself, and the past doesn't seem as bad. I am filled with joy, even though things are tough around me. I am coming alive.
I want the next half of my life to be different from the first half. I will be George and do the opposite.

Have a great day folks.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Day 177--Huge, long, rambling but do you ever expect anything less?

WOW what a long time since I posted! I simply cannot believe it. I had to actually go back and count the days so I could title this post. First off, I lost ONE MORE MEASLY POUND last Friday but I am still plugging away. My walking had gone pretty much to the wayside because of all the rainy bad weather and then my mother-in-law's death. So nice to be back to walking daily. This is so weird to say: I missed the walking. Can you believe it!
Here is a summation of everything starting with the day I last posted. Warning: you might get bored and fall off your chair into a crumpled heap, so I am recommending you either tie yourself to your chair or get some caffeine.
THURSDAY: Hubby and his sister are heading to his Dad's at 8 to break the news to him. The most heartbreaking thing? Grandpa called to ask when he could go visit his wife at the hospital, not knowing she had passed away. We had to tell him he couldn't go, we were coming to him at 8. And he knew, he knew something was wrong. After he hung up, he laid on the bed crying, my daughter was crying. She went to her room to control herself, and 'be a rock, Mom, I had to be a rock!'. She sat on the bed with him and rubbed his back, both of them crying. She texted us and said 'What is going on!!!' And so we told her over the phone it was just TERRIBLE she could hardly talk she was so choked up.
My husband and his sister got there and ended up she was the one who told him. She was very tender, and was on her knees by his chair, everyone was crying. Hubby ended up NOT going to work that day even though he was sure he would. He stayed until late in the evening. All of his sisters came into town, there was much tears and food. Me? I made all the kids go to school then went back to bed and stayed there for the whole day. I literally felt like a zombie and just couldn't function.
That night was also the opening night for the haunted house in the school's boiler room which I didn't even KNOW was there. We all went and only my 14 yo son was brave enough to go with me, everyone else sat outside. Chickens. It was hilariously lame but I screamed and laughed the whole way through, gripping my son's hand hard. I mean come on, anyone is going to scream when something jumps out at them in the dark right? Then we gathered the kids and went through it again with the LIGHTS ON and they were still scared I mean seriously. Two sons destined to work in it the next night.
Also this morning, my daughter-in-law had the molar pregnancy removed. Sad day all around. The procedure went well with no complications. Just hard, you know?
FRIDAY: Hubby and sisters had big meeting at 10 about the funeral plans. Funeral set for Monday, private family visitation Sunday at 2. We were going to have a huge doodah thing Saturday but hubby reminded them it was Halloween. He went to work and came home pretty late. Both boys worked at the haunted house and had a wonderful time scaring everyone to death.
Son and daughter-in-law grieving for their loss, but she did feel well enough to head out to a Halloween party dressed as Marie Antoinette. My son was Michael Jackson. They were both dead though. I guess zombies are big this year. I'm glad she's recovering quickly.
SATURDAY: Filled with decorating the outside of the house with spider webs, getting my kids costumed and made up for the night. 14yo worked at the haunted house then trick or treated and came home. All the rest got their candy. I didn't feel like dressing up like I had planned but did wear a frankenstein headpiece. Much candy was inhaled by them but not by me. This is by far the weirdest Halloween for me, what with the grief and feeling like a zombie and then eating only the tiniest bit of candy. I had one little kitkat thing and one little sour skittled but didn't eat all those. Let's see how I do through the holidays!!!!!
SUNDAY: Had to be at the funeral home before 2. Was fun seeing everyone Wisconsin, Illinois, WVirginia and Florida. Fun but sad. Then it was super sad when we went in and did the visitation part. Grandpa was pushed up to the casket and they helped him to stand. He stood there wit his hands on the casket looking at her and talked to her it was SO SUPER SAD. Everyone was crying. Some of my kids were really broken up. We were there for 2 hours and then went to my husband sister's and the grandkids all sat around and shared memories of Grandma that were written down and shared at the funeral. Then we ate. By that time I was starving to death. We had subs and chips and all kinds of stuff, all provided by Grandma's church. I ate a modest portion not having any idea how many calories it all was but doing my best to gauge portion sizes. I did have root beer that night. And it wasn't diet. We brought home with us to spend the night a cousin from Illinois. More fun at a sad time.
MONDAY: Had to get everyone up and at the church by 10. It takes an hour to get to the church where the funeral was held. This was SO HARD AND FRANTIC AND RUSHED. Then we had the visitation and stood there forever shaking hands and thanking people and stating how we were related. I was last in line and felt stupid because I know everything I said had probably already been said before they got to me but there's not much to say is there:
  • Thank you for coming
  • So glad you came
  • She was a wonderful woman
  • We will miss her greatly
Thankfully nobody said anything stupid like heaven needed another angel or God wanted the best so He took her. That stuff is so full of crap. Yeah I said it.
Then the funeral which was super sad. Then the big dinner afterwards the church put on for us. Ham, all kinds of potato dishes, casseroles, salads, desserts. I had 2 bites of chocolate cake. I would normally have had at least 2 pieces of cake and then cast longing eyes at the dessert table for the rest of the meal. So different. I also only had one serving of my food. So glad that the way I eat isn't so restricted as it would be on a diet. I love eating what everyone else does. I love feeling normal.
TUESDAY: Kids go back to school. My oldest daughter got a detention for not having her Spanish homework done. Idiot teacher.
Okay the rest of the time kind of blends in together so I'm done doing the daily remembrances.
My husband was home from work yesterday and walked with me for the first time EVER. It was so fun! Can you believe I actually had fun! I so want things to be great between us.
I am now planning my Thanksgiving meal. I love doing stuff like that. I love to cook and have big family doodahs. I am going to do what Sean did last Thanksgiving and give myself 1000 extra calories for the day.
Quick snippets:
  • I'm going to play the piano for my church. Finally. I played for 10 years at my old church, then we started a new one and the pianist would NOT SHARE the piano like a meanie. Really hurt. So yay that I can serve I love playing!
  • I love life. I love me. I love everything.
  • Autumn is so beautiful. I am cold and I hope I can find a coat because I sure as heck am not wearing that huge red circus tent that is hanging in my closet. I seriously dislike that coat. I am enjoying being cold compared to always being hot even in the middle of winter. My layer of insulation is going away!
  • Things are going well with my husband. Please remind me that this has happened too many times to count. I need to remember it won't last.
  • When I sit down my breasts have shrunk so much and my stomach is huge by comparison so I look pregnant. I also have this huge roll of fat that used to not stand out but does now, you can really see it on my hips in pants and stuff. My body looks so weird as the fat goes away. And can I say that getting fitted for my bras was the smartest thing I ever did. I am lifted and separated and look so nice in my shirts!
  • I never give up. I never say 'okay I screwed up this day's shot to hell now in fact I'm a total failure and can never lose weight because I'm such a loser'. I will never give up. Ever. I'm far enough on my journey now that the beginning is wayyyyy back there. I'm not going back.
  • I don't have 200 pounds to lose to get to my goal anymore. I only need to lose 136 which sounds so much smaller than 200!!!
I have received SEVEN emails from people concerned because I haven't posted. I will give you the same response I sent them: I haven't given up, I haven't slipped, things are still going quite well for me, just life has been so hectic posting was not on the top of my list but thanks so much for caring. That's why I am doing this, sharing my life with whoever wants to be a part of it on this blog. We are here for each other!
Oh and here is a totally fat filled recipe I want to share:

pop one bag of popcorn, sift out the old maids
melt together 1 stick of butter, 3/4 c brown sugar, and 10 marshmallows
pour over popcorn in bowl, stir

And can I get an amen that there are no bad foods, only bad portions sizes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Love to you all my friends. Keep plugging away.