Sunday, November 6, 2011

I Love Food

I love food.
I love to cook it.
I love the way it smells.
I love the different textures of it.
I just love it.
I hate that I was this out of control crazed being when it came to food.
I hate that I ate so much food that I ended up at my highest known weight of 356.
If I liked to drink, I know I would be an alcoholic. A really bad one.
If I used drugs, I would be the worst of the worse. Probably strung out on meth.
Instead, I use food, and I am fat. 
If I did use drugs or alcohol, I could quit them completely and be done. But. With food, I still have to eat. Everyday. For the rest of my life. 
So I have to learn to deal with food, with my attitude towards it, because it's not going to go away. 
It's like I have this inner self who is bent on my total destruction through overeating. I eat a cookie. I want another. I have one helping of chips. I want to grab the bag and just shove chips in my mouth. I drive by Taco Bell. I want to hit the drive-thru--even if I have just eaten--and get some chalupas. Why am I like this? How did I come to this? 
People all over the world eat and have normal lives and are not heavy. They eat breakfast lunch and dinner, they have cake and ice cream at birthday parties, they go to football games and drink beer and eat hotdogs, and they stay the same size. How? Why can't I? Why does food have to be this conscious decision? Why do I have to feel guilty for eating ONE cookie? 
It's as if there's this secret club that I am not nor ever will be part of. The club of people who stay the same weight all the time. My husband is in the club. My husband's family is in this club. My Dad is. Is my body made up differently? 
I remember being young and not even ever thinking about my weight. I just was a kid, I liked certain foods, I didn't like others. I don't remember it being a very big deal. 
I remember being pregnant with my very first son and being horrified to buy maternity underwear--it was waist high! I had always worn bikini underwear.
When you walk down a flight of stairs, you don't take one step and you're at the bottom. You walk down them one by one. And so it was with my weight gain. It wasn't just one incident. It was a series of things:
I got married and discovered I could eat exactly what I liked when I liked
I had 2 babies in 2 years and didn't lose the weight
I then struggled a bit with losing but wasn't much successful because
I starting pumping out those babies on the assembly line. Yes, 4 years after I had my first 2, I had a baby every other year until I filled my quiver with 8 little arrows. And ended up at 300 pounds. 
My Mother passed away from cancer and I sunk down into depression and ended up at 356, but it could have been more, because I didn't weigh myself until 10 days after I started on my journey.
I know all kinds of women who have more kids than me and they are as thin as a stick.
Why aren't I!!!!!!!!
So here I am, at the whopping age of 50, trying to get a handle on myself. Because I sure don't want to struggle with eating more than 1 cookie until the day I die. I want to lose my weight and be DONE. I want to eat normally, healthfully, and not be eyeing second helpings of dessert while everyone else is totally done eating and just enjoying talking. I don't want to fight the lure of fast food every time I drive by it. I just want to see food for what it is: it fuels my body, and helps me live. 

Such ramblings. These are my thoughts today. Not sure if they are even coherent. 

Food for the day:
Cereal 120
milk 60
juice 40
Big turkey dinner at church where I had one small helping of
mashed potatoes and gravy
green bean casserole
2 rolls. they were that good.
1 small piece of the cake I made.
I really don't know the calories and I don't want to overeat at dinner.
Dinner was 1/2 can of tuna with 1 T miracle whip 90
1 piece of bread 70
1 serving of chips 160
1 cookie 200
So I'm just putting it at 1500 calories and calling it a day. 
And I am so wiped out I didn't take a walk but ah well, my hip was hurting so bad yesterday maybe it's good to take a break.

Making wise choices even at a church potluck,

1 comment:

  1. I admire what you are doing and look forward to following your progress now that I have found your blog. Thanks for being a follower.
    My best,