noun-- a distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, or pain whether the threat is real or imagined
I have been scared this entire journey that I would fail. Scared that I would be inconsistent. Afraid of losing 'it', the inner drive that sends me out to walk in the rain, to scoop out 1/2 c of macaroni and cheese, to learn to like drinks with zero calories in them. Every single time I have lost weight, at some point I got discouraged and quit losing and started eating mindlessly. Discouragement for different but equally stupid reasons:
- Taking a bite of food when I'm 'not supposed to'.
- Not losing weight fast enough
- a food craving that is endulged and turns into a huge pile of guilt
- just not caring anymore because I'm hungry dangit!
I can happily state that I have come out on the other end of this week quite strongly. Those intense cravings did get to me. I guess I thought that I would never have them again. I should have just eaten what I was wanting right then and counted those calories. Because then I would have found out that it's just food. It's not any greater than the last time I ate it. It's still good, of course, but not soul shattering. Not worth having a horrible week mentally and emotionally! Because I really thought I had lost 'it'. I am terrified of turning back into my old self, with my old ways of living and thinking and feeling. All it has taken in the past was a mere nothing, a breath, to cause me to throw it all away and regain all my weight.
How glad I am to find that the new me is strong and determined. Yes, I could have gotten very discouraged when things didn't go well in my heart. I have before. Not this time. I fought back and won and came out the better for it.
This journey is for life. FOR LIFE I TELL YOU!
I have started incorporating running into my daily walks. I either run for the length of a block or as far as I possibly can. Then I have to stop and heave and puff and blow and marvel at how my lungs hurt! I ran 5 times separate times during my walk tonight. All on stretches of road where nobody could see me. And boy are my legs sore. This whole week I walked 2.5 miles a day in the morning AND evening. I am so impressed that I can actually walk that much!
This whole going to bed early and getting up early stuff is messing with me. Yeah, I know, I have such a hard life!
I went to WalMart today and tried on jackets. Amazingly enough, a 26/28 jacket fit me. I haven't fit that size in so long. I never thought I'd be happy to wear that size! Of course I hoped with all my heart that a 24 or 22 would fit but not yet. So shocking to realise how big I let myself get. I also went to Taco Bell. That was one of the things I wanted this week and I am so glad I went because it reinforces the fact that it's just not that great. It's good. But not enough to throw everything away for! I counted those calories btw. And the liquid chocolate? I found pudding called Liquid Fudge and you know what? That did the trick. No I didn't pour it down my throat silly.
So that's it in a nutshell. Zaa met danger on the road to normality and triumphed.
And to end on a high note, I am including some pictures of my cat Ninja Cobra at Easter time. Because I love him.
Have a great day folks. And those are not my fingers making rabbit ears.