And how in the world did I forget that Wednesday, August 19th, was my 3 month anniversary for completely overhauling my life? May 19th was my 'click' day. My decision to lost 200 pounds was the best thing I ever did. Ever. At the time, it seemed almost impossible, but look, only 3 months in and I'm down 41 pounds! Suddenly the world is such a perfect place. Some words from when I was a baby: Day 10:
Exciting, yes? Everyone says this is what you are supposed to do, journal while you lose weight, so I am succumbing to peer pressure and adding my own ramblings to the plethora of weightloss blogs out in the cosmos.
Tonight I walked with my buddy down the street. Had to pause 3 times to catch our breath! So glad she is willing to go with me, I'd hate to have to go alone.
I really have no way to judge how many calories I am eating right now. I guess I'll have to figure that out soon, right? So far I am attempting to eat when I am truly hungry and limit my portions. Sometimes it works. Sometimes it doesn't. There are just days when nothing satisfies, you know?
I know this: I never ever want to go back to the depression and discouragement that was my life before now. I had just basically given up. I know I needed to lose weight; I'm 47, and it is only going to get worse, but the sense of failure was so strong. I have tried off and on through the years but when I would mess up ONE TIME well, that was it, I was a failure, I knew I could never lose weight, and it was all over.
So my first two big goals are thus: to walk everyday, and to not give up. NEVER GIVE UP NEVER SURRENDER!
When I go back and read those first posts, it's like reading someone else's story. I have come a long way since then. Where will I end up? My life changes daily. You know what I did yesterday?
- walked my daughter to school, then did my 2.5 miles. Walking in the morning is so lovely
- walked and picked her up
- walked 2.5 miles in the evening as usual.
You know what I would have done if I hadn't changed my life?
- Had my older kids walk with my daughter to and from school
- gone out to eat to celebrate the first day of school
- sat at the computer and ate whatever whenever I felt like it
- completely and totally hated myself for being so fat and getting fatter everyday
So you found my blog? And you are reading it and enjoying it? Well let me tell you this: the hope of being thin and lovely is there for you too. You are not stuck, doomed, a prisoner in your body. You CAN lose weight. You can walk. You can count calories. Because if I can do this, you can too. I have not been under 200 pounds in 20 years, 300 in 10 years. I have gotten bigger and slower and sadder and more depressed as the years went by, and now. Now I am reversing it all by eating 1500 calories a day and walking. This is so doable! I know a lot of people eat super healthy foods and I am very happy for them but I eat exactly what I want. It's just portion controlled. And you can too! I just had to type all that.
Tonight I'm making tacos. There's a big Jamboree tonight at the football stadium. Three games in a row. Some of my kids are going, others aren't.
I did something today I haven't done in a long time. After I got home this morning I WENT BACK TO BED. Yes. I slept all day. Shhh don't tell my husband! I was just so tired you know? Last night when I walked I was just so mad at everyone, for various reasons. I walked by myself and thought about how much I hated everyone (not really but that was just how I felt) and how angry I was with them all for stupid things. And you know what? When I was done I wasn't angry anymore. Okay this has never happened to me. I knew exercise helped your mood but this was the first time. And now that I am physically capable of exercise I have something to turn to when I want to strangle each and every one of my kids and husband. Please don't think I would really do that because I wouldn't. It's just a saying so don't report Zaa to the division of family services.
My oldest son wanted to know my blog address and I was a bit freaked to give him the address because I am so freaking embarrassed about my weight! None of my family knows how much my starting weight was or how much it is now or anything about my blog. Until today. I have come out of the closet. So to all who come read my blog /wave and don't judge me.