Sunday, August 9, 2009

Day 83--no snappy title this time, just read it anyways okay?

I figured out that to reach my goal (give or take) I need to lose 164 pounds which is a whole lot less than 200! Why I waited so long to do that is beyond me.
School is lurking around the corner. This was tax free weekend and I took advantage of it. I've been shopping with 4 of my kids and bought all their school clothes except some jeans for one of my sons. He wanted a pair that was $40! Can you believe it! I said you can have those or you can have 3 pairs from Walmart so he put them back. Smart kid. And yes, I am worn out and yes, my foot hurts. I have noticed that when I'm on it a lot it hurts more. My daughter and I were out all afternoon and evening yesterday shopping and she wanted to get something to eat. My immediate thought was DANGER DANGER because I'm so scared I'll morph into a giant pig at a restaurant and steal food off of other people's plates. We went to Pizza Hut because I figured I could get more bang for my calorie buck there, and I did just fine. I did NOT savage the other customer's plates and I stayed below my calorie limit. I am so glad I had my little calorie book with me. I ate 2 pieces of pizza, half a breadstick and 3 yes THREE chocolate dipping heavenly things and my my my was that a very delicious dinner. I also drank water. I felt so normal. Well, almost. The other pizza hut eaters were all eating with gusto and abandon and who even KNOWS how many calories they were socking away. So I'm glad I was not eating like that.
My daughter is home from camp. She's been gone all summer. And of course it's weird having her here, she is acting weird, we're acting weird, it's all weird. I'm sure she's not going to like the parental yoke that is being placed on her after the joyful freedom she has enjoyed. Band camp starts tomorrow and goes all week. She and my other daughter will be gone and man are they excited. Tonight is also the kickoff for football practice which is always started with a midnight practice and do not ask me why because I think its strange but it's a big huge tradition in this little town. Football is BIG STUFF in this town. The high school team always does very very well.
When we first moved to this little town we were still homeschooling. I wish I had known what a great school it was I would have put them in it right away. But I was scared of the public school system. Ah well.
So tonight I made a really nice dinner. Sour cream chicken, FRESH corn on the cob which was divine, cantaloupe, rolls and a pasta salad. It was all so yum. I have a rough idea of how many calories it was, but since I had only had 300 calories for the day I wasn't worried. Today has just been such a huge day. I didn't have time to eat breakfast before we left for church, then afterwards we decided to get the boy's shopping done since we were very close to a Kohl's store. I had nothing to eat until 3 and man was I starved! I forgot how much my husband hates shopping. He hates it. A lot.
I still lack confidence. I know that 36 pounds is a lot to some people but to me it's a drop in the bucket. I mean come on I am still fat! I still look fat! So I haven't 'arrived' in the self confidence department. I think people still look down on me because of how I look. When I was at the grocery store I bought these HUGE honey buns for my hubby and son to take in their lunches this week. You know, the ones that are 600 calories APIECE? I bought 7 of them. And felt obligated to explain to everyone around me who they were for and I don't eat them and they're not for me and I'm counting calories. You can do that in a small town. Everyone knows everyone.
It's the kind of town where everyone waves to other cars while driving. Nice.
So yeah the lack of confidence thing shows up in other areas too. Like with me and my hubby. Things have been bad for SO LONG and then things changed nicely 2 months ago. Very nicely. But all it takes is any kind of perceived slight from him and I am moping around, thinking he doesn't REALLY like me, how can he when I'm so fat and disgusting looking? I think that sure, we have great sex but he probably is grossed out the next day when he looks at me. Isn't this awful? I try to change how I talk to myself but in this area I am not successful. I have felt bad and looked bad and hated myself and everything for so long. Things are different now but my brain hasn't quite caught up with the changes. I DON'T hate myself or everything anymore. I LIKE myself and everything around me. Making the decision to lose weight is the best thing that has ever happened to me. My entire world is changing for the better. But my brain. My brain and habit are tough to break. Okay my husband has been a not nice husband for over 20 years. He's a good guy, doesn't drink or beat me or the kids or fool around. But he hated me. Things are completely reversed now but I am just waiting for it all to go away, to be back to the way it was. I can't relax and just LOVE him. Okay I can't believe I just typed all this but I'm keeping it all there.
I'm so glad I made the decision to blog about my weight loss journey. I am meeting the neatest people through it. Thanks for reading, for leaving kind comments, for not criticizing me.
Have a great day folks.


  1. Oh Zaa--I pray your marriage just keeps getting better and better. We used to live in a small town like that. It was fun. Glad you got the school shopping done, sounds like you did it without breaking the calorie bank. That is a huge accomplishment and NSV. Way to go! Keep it up. Blessings--Bonnie

  2. The brain is what needs to be tamed. It is our brain who makes us fat and keeps us that way. you are doing a great and you WILL keep going!

  3. Yeah. If it were not for my fucked up thinking... I wouldn't have gained for almost ten years. It is our thoughts that get in the way! It seems like you are working through it and realizing that you do NOT have to continue thinking badly about yourself.

    YOU CAN DO THE 164!!

  4. Awesome job on getting all that school shopping done, and without breaking the calorie bank!
    It is definitely a brain issue for so many of us. I know it certainly is for me. We're all here for you, and yes, you CAN do the 164!!!

  5. Zaa....your honesty in your posts is always breathtakinig for me. I adore them. I always take so much away from them. I love the humanity.

    You said a few posts ago how you were finding the power of saying "NO" to food now (I think it was a candy bar)as intoxicating as I do. And it is. When you make those kinds of mental changes...the really powerful ones that let you know you're moving in the right direction and there's just no looking backwards....then that 164 becomes just a walk in the park. The weight you've already lost is not the drop in the bucket....that's the HUGE's what's left over that is menial. All it takes from hear on out is for a little time to pass...and we've all got a little time. :)

  6. HI! I just found your blog.
    Hang in their your self-confidence. I understand this area is very difficult. But I hope that you will find confidence in who you are and now what you look like. . . I know, I know... easier said than done. I have yet to conquer it. Hang in there.

  7. I powerfully connected with this post. I read it in a hurry the other day--but I just read it again---this time, slowly and without distraction.
    Powerful Zaa.
    You're a shining light here. This transformation your on is an amazing one. Get ready for monumental positive changes in your life.

    Just had to come back and say this. Your blog touches me Zaa...I'm so happy to be following your success. It's an absolute pleasure.

    My best always