- Zaa of Old: depressed. discouraged. sad. tired. my whole life centered around my weight. my weight ruled what I did, where I sat, how people treated me, how I treated myself. I never exercised I mean come on, what's the point? I'm HUGE. I got out of breath just rushing to get the phone or drying off after a shower. I disliked very intensely What's Eating Gilbert Grape. I just knew that I was going to end up like the mother and was quite helpless about how to stop it. I seriously thought that there was no way in heaven or on earth that I was ever going to have the strength of mind and will to lose weight. I loathed myself, my clothes, my smell, my hair, my house. I hated the people who wouldn't even look at me, notice me, talk to me. I was ashamed everyday of what I looked like. I hated the clothes that I wore, all stained and stretched and old.
- The New and Improved Zaa: positive, determined, pretty darn cheerful. I keep my calories below 1500 and walk pretty much everyday unless my foot hurts. I even walk with my daughter to and from school which I have always wanted to do! I enjoy walking very much, which is surprising because I always thought exercise was a torture to endure. It was a bit tough at first but no more. Getting dressed everyday is fun because I get to see how something else fits differently. I always check portions and calories on absolutely everything I eat and drink. I tell everybody how many calories is in the food they're eating. (and they sooo appreciate that) I know that there will come a day when I will be able to
- go on a rollercoaster
- sit down on the ground and get up again without getting on all fours to stand up
- really run, not this kinda jog that I do now
- have beautiful clothes that I look good in
- sit in a lawn chair and I don't break it and I fit
- test drive a mini cooper. I told my Dad I wanted one and he said I would never fit in it.
- go swimming with my kids at a public pool
And my kids are driving me nuts. Crying, fighting, disobeying, being lazy with chores, antagonizing each other. I mean come on, this is my celebration day!!! They could have been good for today! I thought today would be this fabulous point in my journey where I show the world how I have triumphed and instead it was kind of a stinky day. I didn't even get to walk tonight because I have the BIGGEST BLISTER IN THE WHOLE UNIVERSE on my pinky toe! When I got home with my daughter this afternoon I noticed my toe was hurting and I thought maybe my sock was too tight or something so I looked and dang if it looked like there was a tumor on my toe! and it really hurts too! my son wanted to pop it. with a needle. no way am I letting a 13 yo boy near my blister! I popped it with the needle. Three times. And he watched and grossed out but was also enraptured at the same time. Now it's all slathered in antibiotic ointment and bandaged. It seriously hurts to walk. And I am still up at almost midnight because my kids are still up and of course this means they will not get up when I tell them to tomorrow.
I figured today was the perfect day to recommit myself to changing my life. I guess in a way the struggles I had today helped me to see that I can persevere even on the bad days. And that tomorrow is another day.
A little shorter post than normal. You have been spared my blathering on about my life!
I wonder what the next 100 days will hold?