Saturday, August 29, 2009

Day 103--Fear of failure, running! and I still have a long ways to go

noun-- a distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, or pain whether the threat is real or imagined

I have been scared this entire journey that I would fail. Scared that I would be inconsistent. Afraid of losing 'it', the inner drive that sends me out to walk in the rain, to scoop out 1/2 c of macaroni and cheese, to learn to like drinks with zero calories in them. Every single time I have lost weight, at some point I got discouraged and quit losing and started eating mindlessly. Discouragement for different but equally stupid reasons:
  • Taking a bite of food when I'm 'not supposed to'.
  • Not losing weight fast enough
  • a food craving that is endulged and turns into a huge pile of guilt
  • just not caring anymore because I'm hungry dangit!
I've had a remarkable 104 days. I have lost 41 pounds and gained much stamina and strength. I gladly counted calories, turned away from temptation, and discovered a joy in pushing my body to exercise. I have really come a long way baby! And yet, always just barely peeking around the corner, disaster loomed. The disaster of FAILURE. Man I have felt I was just one step ahead of losing it all again. This week has been a struggle for me and I do not know why. It started with those insane cravings earlier this week. And it's not the actual eating of things that got to me because I didn't give in. It's the desire to eat and eat like it's going to fill some hole inside me that really bothers me. Where in the world did it come from? Why now? You would have thought I had worked out all my emotional psycho stuff weeks before!
I can happily state that I have come out on the other end of this week quite strongly. Those intense cravings did get to me. I guess I thought that I would never have them again. I should have just eaten what I was wanting right then and counted those calories. Because then I would have found out that it's just food. It's not any greater than the last time I ate it. It's still good, of course, but not soul shattering. Not worth having a horrible week mentally and emotionally! Because I really thought I had lost 'it'. I am terrified of turning back into my old self, with my old ways of living and thinking and feeling. All it has taken in the past was a mere nothing, a breath, to cause me to throw it all away and regain all my weight.
How glad I am to find that the new me is strong and determined. Yes, I could have gotten very discouraged when things didn't go well in my heart. I have before. Not this time. I fought back and won and came out the better for it.
This journey is for life. FOR LIFE I TELL YOU!
I have started incorporating running into my daily walks. I either run for the length of a block or as far as I possibly can. Then I have to stop and heave and puff and blow and marvel at how my lungs hurt! I ran 5 times separate times during my walk tonight. All on stretches of road where nobody could see me. And boy are my legs sore. This whole week I walked 2.5 miles a day in the morning AND evening. I am so impressed that I can actually walk that much!
This whole going to bed early and getting up early stuff is messing with me. Yeah, I know, I have such a hard life!
I went to WalMart today and tried on jackets. Amazingly enough, a 26/28 jacket fit me. I haven't fit that size in so long. I never thought I'd be happy to wear that size! Of course I hoped with all my heart that a 24 or 22 would fit but not yet. So shocking to realise how big I let myself get. I also went to Taco Bell. That was one of the things I wanted this week and I am so glad I went because it reinforces the fact that it's just not that great. It's good. But not enough to throw everything away for! I counted those calories btw. And the liquid chocolate? I found pudding called Liquid Fudge and you know what? That did the trick. No I didn't pour it down my throat silly.
So that's it in a nutshell. Zaa met danger on the road to normality and triumphed.
And to end on a high note, I am including some pictures of my cat Ninja Cobra at Easter time. Because I love him.

Have a great day folks. And those are not my fingers making rabbit ears.


  1. Brilliant post Zaa, I loved every word. your journey is so inspiring. you write about the fears we face and I think "Oh yes I know that one!"
    Well done on finishing the week strong and the RUNNING. It's an amazing feeling isn't it? We have football pitch's close by and when I am out on my walk and I run two pitch lengths (when there is no one about) and that lung bursting moment is scarey but exhilarating at the same time.
    Love your cat photos.

    Keep on keeping on you are doing soooooo well.


  2. Zaa,
    I recognize this, and I know exactly what you're talking about. The last time I had unexplained feeling of wanting to binge was less than 100 days ago. Zaa, it gets so much easier the longer you trek along this road.
    You handled those deadly thoughts exactly the way I did...You fought with everything in you...That's what it takes my friend, and that's exactly what you did. Your importance level is very very it should be. And you're sailing Zaa, I mean sailing!
    Zaa, listen---you're honestly making these powerful changes to you brain, and still every now and then, you might get a stray thought---you might feel depressed, down in the dumps...and it scares you because you know that this is where you tripped so many times before. But that's when you get tough and you declare that NOTHING is going to steal this away from you, nothing at all!
    It can be scary because those stray thoughts can be how the gradual decline starts IF you haven't set your importance level to "life or death" and IF you've simply been going through the motions and IF you're not completely honest with yourself---and rationalize bad choices.
    But you don't have these issues. Not this time. This time is different from any other weight loss attempt you've ever had. This time is different Zaa--completely different. The magic is already happening for you, isn't it amazing? Keep on this road and just be patient---'cause I'm here to tell you---It becomes completely mind blowing. It's awesome.
    You my friend are soooo on the way.
    Way to go on the running! You sound like me out there. I'll run until it starts to really hurt, then I go back to walking fast. I'll get there---and you will too.
    This is way long---didn't mean to take up all the space. I just loved this post. Not because you've struggled...but because the way you've handled those urges. It's so correct, so perfect. And your journey continues beautifully.

    My best always

  3. You said it all so perfectly.

    Keep moving in the "least hard" direction.

    I admire you.

    I can't fathom running and wearing my size 26es. Amazing.

  4. Great post and beautiful cat!