Thursday, August 13, 2009

Day 87--long and rambling and a new list

Busy week with lots of drama that I won't repeat here. Let's just say I can't wait for school to start.
1500 calories--check
everything's still going well. I'm looking at next week and Wednesday is my 3 month anniversary for changing my whole life by deciding to lose weight. Three months! Can you believe it.
************more signs it's working************
  • I'm discovering bones--in my ankles, around my elbows, and in the rear end! I was sitting on the front porch and thought dang my tailbone hurt then I thought DANG MY TAILBONE HURT! I haven't felt that in years and years! I was so happy
  • Under my arms I do not have a huge roll of fat that comes out over my bra anymore. And I do not 'bubble' out of the front at all.
  • I can lay on my back and my breasts do not suffocate me. I can even lie on my stomach! I can even roll on the bed from my back to my side then to my tummy. And it's no trouble
  • I can sit up in bed without looking like a big puffy whale. I love this.
  • When I turn my head I can see a neck beginning to emerge. I have a neck now (of course) but this is the neck that has definition and the beginnings of an indentation at the base. I am going to have a base!
  • I freaked out a bit because the shirt I wanted to wear didn't completely cover my tummy and then I turned sideways and thought hmmmm my tummy isn't huge and gargantuan like it used to be I think I'll wear it anyways and I did and it looked great! Normally I am very self conscious about my tummy. I'm so glad it's the first thing thats going away
  • my breasts and stomach stick out evenly now instead of my tummy sticking out more
***************************end of the wonderfulness**********************
I love to read books about people who lost a lot of weight. They're very interesting and informative. I found a comment in one titled Passing For Thin that struck me. She said, 'Obesity's cardinal rule was that anything I wanted I couldn't have, except more food.'
Wow. Just wow. That hit me hard. I think of how my weight has ruled my life and what a slave I was to food. And now I'm not. It's just that simple. But so sad that that statement fit me to a T for so many years. I could always eat more. Even if I was full to the gills I could eat more. Everyday is bursting with newness. When I get dressed, when I see myself in the mirror, when I find I have energy to do basic household tasks, tasks that I can do without getting winded like I used to. Around every corner is another positive result of my decision to lose weight.
Something else I was thinking. My whole life all I have ever wanted was to have people like me. I was kind, compassionate, interested, you name it I was it. And they just didn't. And don't. And it just devastates me. I just can't understand why but it does. It's these constant feelings of rejection that get me down the most. And I had an epiphany today. I really haven't liked myself. In fact I can say with all truthfulness that I have hated myself for a long time. When your own husband doesn't like/love you, for over 20 years, it kind of gets to you. You start to believe all kinds of weird things. So this is odd for me, these new feelings. I am proud of myself for the first time in forever, proud because I am doing it, the big IT that I ran from and hid from and cried and prayed about--I am changing my life and losing weight. And that's the biggest part I think--I am changing my life. When I first started, I thought I would lose weight and that would be it. But that's not so! I'm changing on the inside too! And someday. Someday I'll have the courage to do something about my marriage. I really believe this. Someday I will tell my husband that he better start treating me nice or I'll leave because I am just so sick of his indifference towards me. Someday I will go up to Becky, the girl who absolutely hated me through my school years and show her the scar below my lip from when she pushed my head down into the water fountain when I was taking a drink and I will say 'You made my life a living hell and I have hated you for 30 years'. Okay now reading that I sound so pathetic. I can't believe I have hated that girl for 30 years. Dang that's a long time! She probably has no idea that how she treated me affected me so deeply. Time to let that one go. Someday I will go up to my sister-in-law and tell her how much she hurt me when she came over for a surprise visit when I was pregnant with my 6th child and suffering from morning sickness and homeschooling and she wanted a tour of the house and when she was alone with my husband she said, 'How can you live like this?'
Okay enough of the weird emotional stuff.
We went to my husband's parent's home tonight. It was his Dad's 87th birthday. And boy does he look bad. My daughter Rachel lives with them and cares for them, otherwise they'd be in a nursing home. I wondered if this was his last birthday with us. I had one bite of cake. And that was it. No icecream, no sundae cone *which I adore because of that huge amount of hardened chocolate in the tip of the sugar cone* and I was fine and dandy. No struggle. No torment. Boy I'm glad.
I've had several emails from you, my faithful readers and fellow bloggers, because I haven't posted since Sunday. No, I have not fallen off the wagon. I just can't believe that my life is interesting. I mean come on. Who wants to read about me telling my daughter she couldn't go down and spend the weekend with some boy she met at camp and she immediately turned into an offended princess? Or the arguing when chores are assigned, or the arguing over the computer, or the arguing just because the kids want to be mean? Or that I didn't make a menu plan for this week and everyday is so stupid because I never know what I'm going to make for dinner until around 5:30 and usually entails a trip to the store? See? How boring is that? Oh wait, I'm sure everyone's panting to know that I cleaned my utility room and washed sheets and towels and hung them out on the line. Allright I'll try to do better and post more!
So to sum up: Zaa is shrinking and thrilled, life is hectic and boring in turns, and there will be dancing in the streets when the kids go back to school next Thursday.
It's late and I'm wiped out. Later gators!


  1. I want to read about your entire journey. It's extremely interesting. I hope you'll continue to share.
    Another great post from you. I can so rlate---I know exactly what you're experiencing my friend. It's incredible isn't it?
    When I wrote about my childhood bullies---it really reminded me too how much hate I have toward what they've done to me. The abuse they gave has effected me my entire life. But it's over now. We're moving into a chapter in our life that doesn't have room for that hate anymore. i no longer want to visit them at their prison...I'd rather not include them in any part of my life. They'll forever be reduced to a single post on a single day of this dramatic journey.
    Zaa--You're amazing.
    My best always

  2. I love finding bones (but yeah, that tailbone one is not so good - will have to carry cushions to sit on I think, lol).

    So glad you are also finding a lot about yourself, I think part of this journey and the blessings of blogging are the mental changes we go through.

    Keep up the good work!

  3. Way to go on the bones!! My latest is my shoulders :)

  4. Yay Zaa's back! We do like to read about your life. I think even when it is filled with boring old life stuff--it helps us feel we aren't alone. You are doing so well! I couldn't have handled the cake as well as you did. Love it!

  5. Hey! Why didn't I think of emailing you, instead of just being bummed out every day that went by that I didn't see a new Zaa post????? You won't get away that easily the next time! lol

    Love, love, love reading your's just awesome, as are you. :)