Saturday, August 15, 2009

Day 89-Incredible thoughts, an epiphany, my broken heart mended and the old ball and chain

Had a nice slow lazy day today. Amazingly it got rainy and cooled off, so I decided that the best dinner would be tomato soup and toasted cheese sandwiches. And it was gooood. I just can't get over how fun it is to be a. losing weight and b. still enjoying what I always HAVE enjoyed, just in smaller portions and c. I get to eat what everyone else is eating, not some boring 'diet' food.
I actually had my first opportunity to talk to someone about weight loss. I was checking out at WalMart, and the checker saw my bottle of water and People magazine (okay don't hate I just love that thing) and said 'Where's the candy bar?' and I said 'No candybar!' and she said 'Oh you have the perfect combo, a new magazine and a candybar! How can you not have a candybar!' (In my past life I would have become extremely annoyed with how many times she said the word candybar) I said I have lost 36 pounds and I am not stopping now so no candybar. Well she freaked out, probably wondering where in the world I lost it from. Asked me my 'seeeeecret'. I am so thankful my eyes have been opened people. I told her exactly what I am doing and tried not to blather on in a boring fashion. And she said? You think I have a convert already? Nope, she said there was no way on earth she could eat that little, she loved food too much. And I said that I loved to eat food too! But she still shook her head in this sad little way. My heart just broke a tiny bit inside, but I knew that nothing could make her change her mind unless she decided it herself. Once, three months ago, that was me. Hopeless, worn down, discouraged, sad, hateful, tired, almost desperate. And now, here I am! I loved typing that sentence because it is incredible how I am not any of those things anymore! Simply incredible that Zaa is changing. I have prayed for change and tried to change and read books about becoming a better person for YEARS. I don't know why it took me so long to get it, but man oh man am I glad I do. I could live like this the rest of my life. And the best part is, it just keeps getting better every day. Always some new discovery right around the corner. Is my jawline a little more pronounced? When I stand sideways where do I look the most different? Every shirt I put on is a HUGE reinforcement that yes, Zaa, you are losing weight, this shirt fits dramatically different. Getting in the car, getting OUT of the car. I even fit into a booth. Zaa! In a booth! And my enormous tracts of land used to hang wayyy out over the table. Well they didn't yesterday! I went to visit my Dad and he freaked me out when he said 'let's go out to lunch!' because eeep there's always this huge fear that I'll eat too much. Well I didn't, I had my handy little calorie book and the restaurant was listed and I had chicken fried steak, mashed potatoes and gravy and cinnamon apples and water. And it was goooooooood. I ate half the steak, my Dad ate the other. My lunch was 600 calories, which pairs well with the 150 I had before I left in the morning. And while we ate my Dad actually asked me questions about what I am doing, he looked at my calorie book, and I swear when someone pulls the string on the back of my neck I talk forever about losing weight. But he kindly listened to my ravings and said he was very proud of me. And then he said what I hate more than anything, in his deep, sad, daddy voice, 'It's sad when a father has to bury his daughter.' Yes I know Dad you've said this for years and made me feel incredibly guilty for being fat.
Oh I so want to slide off of everyone's radar! I want to look normal and blend in and not stand out from the crowd. I don't want people talking about everything but the most obvious thing, 'Good God how did you get so fat? How do you even walk?'
When I decided to quit smoking 2 packs a day 17 years ago, I just decided. I had tried several times (it's the habit you love to hate) and barely even made it a day. I seriously don't know how it happened but something inside clicked and I was done. I have never had a cigarette to my mouth in all these years and I never will. I do not want to have to quit again! And now, it's the exact same thing with eating and being active. I had that click. After being overweight for at least 20 years (which looks horrible written down) and trying to lose weight and feeling bad about how I look it's actually working. I have thought it was working in the past before, and was afraid to feel confident and happy, afraid it would slip away. Which it did. It just hasn't now. In fact, as the days go by I am more sure that what I am doing is what I will be doing for life. 'To whom much is given, much is required.' I will never be able to blindly eat again.
Okay so the last few days have been freaky to say the least. My cat Ninja Cobra went missing and I seriously thought he was dead. Just broke my heart. And he showed up tonight out of nowhere and I hugged him and hugged him! But his eyes are all wide and freaked out, even after being here all evening, and his white fur looks a bit orange colored, like he rolled in something, it's even on his feet. I smelled him but it didn't smell like anything. I wonder where he went, what he got into, if I should give him a bath, but he is so freaked already I think a bath would put him over the edge. I just looked over at him and he's sleeping on my bed. Man I missed him.
When I was a little girl, I loved to look at my Mother's music box. When she and my Dad were engaged, he was stationed in Germany and sent it to her. How beautiful the music! It was made in Switzerland and played 4 different songs. You could watch the whole thing through the glass, all the gears moving so steadily. Before she passed away, she asked me what I wanted that was hers, and I said the music box and her watch that she got when we lived in Taiwan. I got the watch when she went home to live with the Lord forever but I didn't get the music box until yesterday. I wound it a little and opened it and when the music started I felt the tears coming but I didn't want to cry then so I didn't. Just very touching, you know? Really brought back the memories.
For some reason I am just irritated with my husband. Here I am, changing my entire life and yet my relationship with him stays the same. I had an epiphany. I have always done the right thing by him, loving him, hugging him, being happy to see him, to listen to him talk about his day. He is the one who has held ME at arms length for 28 years. It's HIM that is messed up. There is nothing more I can do, no way I can change that will do the trick, I've done it all. I am so glad I am on anti depressants. I can think clearly about this situation but it doesn't send me spiraling down into the dumps like it used to. It's like I'm floating on it. Does that make sense?
I have a great Carrie quote. I love Carrie Bradshaw and if you don't know who she is then you're probably a guy or just fell off the turnip truck. She said,
'Maybe the past is like an anchor holding us back. Maybe you have to let go of who you were to become who you will be.'
I am letting go.
And I know its only 73 outside but I wish I hadn't turned the air off because its MUGGIER THAN ALL GET OUT and my room is stifling.


  1. Wow, so much to comment on!

    First, I'm so glad your cat came back! We've experienced cat disappearances over the years and most of the time they never come back, so I'm happy that you had a happy ending, even if the kitty is a little freaked out.

    Second, great job managing a restaurant meal like that! Way to take control of what you put in your body!

    Third, It's great that you could share so much about your weight-loss journey with your dad...I'm sure he is more proud of you than you realize. Dads just don't always express their feelings in the best way (hence the burying the daughter remark).

    Hope you have a wonderful day, Zaa!

  2. You did great at the resturant..Keep going strong

  3. I love this post. It has everything. I LOVE that quote. you are doing so great and I hope you can hold your head up when it comes to your husband and keep the mindset you do now. It is not you.

  4. I loved this post. Just another great example of why I have given you a blog award! You have to come by my blog to get it.

  5. Hi again
    Just wanted to let you know you have a blog award waiting for you at my blog.....
    i see you have 2 now cool

  6. Love, love, love your writing Zaa. So much so, that I gave you an award on my post this definitely deserve it! :)

  7. Aother award coming your way my friend.
    From me.

    Loved this post---you're incredible.
    Isn't the booth thing monumental??? It was for me.

    My best always