Day 103--Fear of failure, running! and I still have a long ways to go

FEAR
noun-- a distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, or pain whether the threat is real or imagined

I have been scared this entire journey that I would fail. Scared that I would be inconsistent. Afraid of losing 'it', the inner drive that sends me out to walk in the rain, to scoop out 1/2 c of macaroni and cheese, to learn to like drinks with zero calories in them. Every single time I have lost weight, at some point I got discouraged and quit losing and started eating mindlessly. Discouragement for different but equally stupid reasons:

• Taking a bite of food when I'm 'not supposed to'.
• Not losing weight fast enough
• a food craving that is endulged and turns into a huge pile of guilt
• just not caring anymore because I'm hungry dangit!

I've had a remarkable 104 days. I have lost 41 pounds and gained much stamina and strength. I gladly counted calories, turned away from temptation, and discovered a joy in pushing my body to exercise. I have really come a long way baby! And yet, always just barely peeking around the corner, disaster loomed. The disaster of FAILURE. Man I have felt I was just one step ahead of losing it all again. This week has been a struggle for me and I do not know why. It started with those insane cravings earlier this week. And it's not the actual eating of things that got to me because I didn't give in. It's the desire to eat and eat like it's going to fill some hole inside me that really bothers me. Where in the world did it come from? Why now? You would have thought I had worked out all my emotional psycho stuff weeks before!
I can happily state that I have come out on the other end of this week quite strongly. Those intense cravings did get to me. I guess I thought that I would never have them again. I should have just eaten what I was wanting right then and counted those calories. Because then I would have found out that it's just food. It's not any greater than the last time I ate it. It's still good, of course, but not soul shattering. Not worth having a horrible week mentally and emotionally! Because I really thought I had lost 'it'. I am terrified of turning back into my old self, with my old ways of living and thinking and feeling. All it has taken in the past was a mere nothing, a breath, to cause me to throw it all away and regain all my weight.
How glad I am to find that the new me is strong and determined. Yes, I could have gotten very discouraged when things didn't go well in my heart. I have before. Not this time. I fought back and won and came out the better for it.
This journey is for life. FOR LIFE I TELL YOU!
I have started incorporating running into my daily walks. I either run for the length of a block or as far as I possibly can. Then I have to stop and heave and puff and blow and marvel at how my lungs hurt! I ran 5 times separate times during my walk tonight. All on stretches of road where nobody could see me. And boy are my legs sore. This whole week I walked 2.5 miles a day in the morning AND evening. I am so impressed that I can actually walk that much!
This whole going to bed early and getting up early stuff is messing with me. Yeah, I know, I have such a hard life!
I went to WalMart today and tried on jackets. Amazingly enough, a 26/28 jacket fit me. I haven't fit that size in so long. I never thought I'd be happy to wear that size! Of course I hoped with all my heart that a 24 or 22 would fit but not yet. So shocking to realise how big I let myself get. I also went to Taco Bell. That was one of the things I wanted this week and I am so glad I went because it reinforces the fact that it's just not that great. It's good. But not enough to throw everything away for! I counted those calories btw. And the liquid chocolate? I found pudding called Liquid Fudge and you know what? That did the trick. No I didn't pour it down my throat silly.
So that's it in a nutshell. Zaa met danger on the road to normality and triumphed.
And to end on a high note, I am including some pictures of my cat Ninja Cobra at Easter time. Because I love him.



Have a great day folks. And those are not my fingers making rabbit ears.

Day 100--Zaa's Super Blowout Extravanza!

Get out that confetti folks, we have a celebration today! Yes, one hundred days ago Zaa made a decision to lose weight and inadvertently started changing her LIFE. I can guarantee that the Zaa of today is nothing like the Zaa of then.

• Zaa of Old: depressed. discouraged. sad. tired. my whole life centered around my weight. my weight ruled what I did, where I sat, how people treated me, how I treated myself. I never exercised I mean come on, what's the point? I'm HUGE. I got out of breath just rushing to get the phone or drying off after a shower. I disliked very intensely What's Eating Gilbert Grape. I just knew that I was going to end up like the mother and was quite helpless about how to stop it. I seriously thought that there was no way in heaven or on earth that I was ever going to have the strength of mind and will to lose weight. I loathed myself, my clothes, my smell, my hair, my house. I hated the people who wouldn't even look at me, notice me, talk to me. I was ashamed everyday of what I looked like. I hated the clothes that I wore, all stained and stretched and old.
  
• The New and Improved Zaa: positive, determined, pretty darn cheerful. I keep my calories below 1500 and walk pretty much everyday unless my foot hurts. I even walk with my daughter to and from school which I have always wanted to do! I enjoy walking very much, which is surprising because I always thought exercise was a torture to endure. It was a bit tough at first but no more. Getting dressed everyday is fun because I get to see how something else fits differently. I always check portions and calories on absolutely everything I eat and drink. I tell everybody how many calories is in the food they're eating. (and they sooo appreciate that) I know that there will come a day when I will be able to

1. go on a rollercoaster
2. sit down on the ground and get up again without getting on all fours to stand up
3. really run, not this kinda jog that I do now
4. have beautiful clothes that I look good in
5. sit in a lawn chair and I don't break it and I fit
6. test drive a mini cooper. I told my Dad I wanted one and he said I would never fit in it.
7. go swimming with my kids at a public pool

It's truly been an odd day. For some reason what I want more than anything is liquid chocolate. I have no idea why. And don't ask me what I mean by liquid. I guess I just want it poured down my throat. I actually had to talk myself out of this craving. Because it might taste great but the minute I've eaten it I will be mad I did.
And my kids are driving me nuts. Crying, fighting, disobeying, being lazy with chores, antagonizing each other. I mean come on, this is my celebration day!!! They could have been good for today! I thought today would be this fabulous point in my journey where I show the world how I have triumphed and instead it was kind of a stinky day. I didn't even get to walk tonight because I have the BIGGEST BLISTER IN THE WHOLE UNIVERSE on my pinky toe! When I got home with my daughter this afternoon I noticed my toe was hurting and I thought maybe my sock was too tight or something so I looked and dang if it looked like there was a tumor on my toe! and it really hurts too! my son wanted to pop it. with a needle. no way am I letting a 13 yo boy near my blister! I popped it with the needle. Three times. And he watched and grossed out but was also enraptured at the same time. Now it's all slathered in antibiotic ointment and bandaged. It seriously hurts to walk. And I am still up at almost midnight because my kids are still up and of course this means they will not get up when I tell them to tomorrow.
I figured today was the perfect day to recommit myself to changing my life. I guess in a way the struggles I had today helped me to see that I can persevere even on the bad days. And that tomorrow is another day.
A little shorter post than normal. You have been spared my blathering on about my life!

I wonder what the next 100 days will hold?

Day 97--Big wow and bigger wow and the biggest wow *sniff*

Here are the wows that I promised you.
**********big wow*********

• at church today I ran up the stairs, and went down them normally like normal people. It wasn't a hardship and at the time I knew I was doing it but not til afterwards did I see what a big achievement that is for me. I used to dread the stairs at church, because I knew I had to go up and down them like everyone else and pretend it didn't bother me and was in fact killing me. I know I've mentioned stairs before but it just keeps getting easier and it just keeps blowing me away. I just cannot believe how different it is now!
  

**********bigger wow***********

• tonight when I was walking with my daughter Bethany I ran four times, twice for the length of an entire block. Me! Really Running! My chest was a heaving and bouncing and I was puffing and blowing but I did it I did it I did it! After the first run I had my fists up in the air and was singing the Rocky theme. Thankfully my daughter loves me and wasn't mortified that I was doing that. She thinks I'm cute. :-)
  

***********biggest wow**********

• tonight my nine year old daughter Mary Grace hugged me and told me that her hands touched. For the first time in her life, her hands touched when she hugged me. Okay I seriously had tears in my eyes just typing that. This was the thing today that moved me more than anything to date.
  

Funny how the big moments come unexpectedly. Today has been filled with big moments. I have a big one coming up too. Wednesday is Day 100. One hundred days since my life took a dramatic turn upwards. I am really looking forward to posting on that day!
I went to visit my sister yesterday and had a wonderful time with her. Thankfully she doesn't mind when I blather on and on about calories and exercise and things that are changing for me because SHE has lost all her weight in the last year too! I asked her about her 'click' moment and I hope you don't mind sister dear that I share it with the entire world.

Last summer my sister was a counsellor at their church camp and the first day fell off of a sidewalk and hurt herself. She was pretty much laid up the entire week. She was mortified. A lightbulb went off in her head (her click) and that was it for her. She began eating the way she knew she should that very week and has never looked back. Today she wears a size 12 and is beautiful, trim, healthy looking. She has never weighed herself and to this day does not know how much she weighs. She eats between 1000 and 1200 calories a day. Shamefully her success pointed out my own hideous weight and I never said one word to her about this most exciting event in her life. I was horribly jealous but felt I could never ever lose weight, I was trapped, doomed, etc. I have told her many times how sorry I am that I felt that way and sweetly she said she understood. So in front of this cloud of witnesses I want to say that I am very proud of you, dear sister. You are incredible and I am so glad that you made the decision to lose weight. We are going to be beautiful together!

Today after church I came home and made a can of tuna (120 cal)with 2 T of miracle whip (80 cal). I ate half (100 cal) on a piece of toast (70 cal) and weighed an ounce of chili cheese fritos (160 cal) and it was yumalicious. Tonight we had chicken pot pies (370 cal) and it was so good!
I also had the other half of the tuna with 16 wheat thins and it was weird together but still yummy and then I had a fudgesicle. I just love eating this way. Exactly what I please, but portioned out. And I just keep losing and losing! I tell people that 1500 calories is really a lot of food but they never believe me. I even have calories left over for a tostada tonight before I hit the hay. This is the life! And the best part is the kids are back in school and my days are my own again yippy!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Have a lovely evening dear friends. Never give up, never surrender!

Day 95--Weigh Day and I Completely Missed my 3 month anniversary and coming out of the closet

Walked my daughter to school, then headed up to the clinic to weigh. I have lost 5 more pounds bringing my total to 41 pounds lost! I didn't have my blood pressure taken, they were overflowing with patients.
And how in the world did I forget that Wednesday, August 19th, was my 3 month anniversary for completely overhauling my life? May 19th was my 'click' day. My decision to lost 200 pounds was the best thing I ever did. Ever. At the time, it seemed almost impossible, but look, only 3 months in and I'm down 41 pounds! Suddenly the world is such a perfect place. Some words from when I was a baby: Day 10:

Exciting, yes? Everyone says this is what you are supposed to do, journal while you lose weight, so I am succumbing to peer pressure and adding my own ramblings to the plethora of weightloss blogs out in the cosmos.
Tonight I walked with my buddy down the street. Had to pause 3 times to catch our breath! So glad she is willing to go with me, I'd hate to have to go alone.
I really have no way to judge how many calories I am eating right now. I guess I'll have to figure that out soon, right? So far I am attempting to eat when I am truly hungry and limit my portions. Sometimes it works. Sometimes it doesn't. There are just days when nothing satisfies, you know?
I know this: I never ever want to go back to the depression and discouragement that was my life before now. I had just basically given up. I know I needed to lose weight; I'm 47, and it is only going to get worse, but the sense of failure was so strong. I have tried off and on through the years but when I would mess up ONE TIME well, that was it, I was a failure, I knew I could never lose weight, and it was all over.
So my first two big goals are thus: to walk everyday, and to not give up. NEVER GIVE UP NEVER SURRENDER!

When I go back and read those first posts, it's like reading someone else's story. I have come a long way since then. Where will I end up? My life changes daily. You know what I did yesterday?

• walked my daughter to school, then did my 2.5 miles. Walking in the morning is so lovely
• walked and picked her up
• walked 2.5 miles in the evening as usual.

I WALKED FIVE (5) MILES YESTERDAY. Absolutely mind boggling. Me! Walking 5 miles! And I enjoyed it. I really did. Which is just as mind boggling! Who would have figured that I would even be physically capable of this!
You know what I would have done if I hadn't changed my life?

• Had my older kids walk with my daughter to and from school
• gone out to eat to celebrate the first day of school
• sat at the computer and ate whatever whenever I felt like it
• completely and totally hated myself for being so fat and getting fatter everyday

I will take my new life over my old life HANDS DOWN.
So you found my blog? And you are reading it and enjoying it? Well let me tell you this: the hope of being thin and lovely is there for you too. You are not stuck, doomed, a prisoner in your body. You CAN lose weight. You can walk. You can count calories. Because if I can do this, you can too. I have not been under 200 pounds in 20 years, 300 in 10 years. I have gotten bigger and slower and sadder and more depressed as the years went by, and now. Now I am reversing it all by eating 1500 calories a day and walking. This is so doable! I know a lot of people eat super healthy foods and I am very happy for them but I eat exactly what I want. It's just portion controlled. And you can too! I just had to type all that.
Tonight I'm making tacos. There's a big Jamboree tonight at the football stadium. Three games in a row. Some of my kids are going, others aren't.
I did something today I haven't done in a long time. After I got home this morning I WENT BACK TO BED. Yes. I slept all day. Shhh don't tell my husband! I was just so tired you know? Last night when I walked I was just so mad at everyone, for various reasons. I walked by myself and thought about how much I hated everyone (not really but that was just how I felt) and how angry I was with them all for stupid things. And you know what? When I was done I wasn't angry anymore. Okay this has never happened to me. I knew exercise helped your mood but this was the first time. And now that I am physically capable of exercise I have something to turn to when I want to strangle each and every one of my kids and husband. Please don't think I would really do that because I wouldn't. It's just a saying so don't report Zaa to the division of family services.
My oldest son wanted to know my blog address and I was a bit freaked to give him the address because I am so freaking embarrassed about my weight! None of my family knows how much my starting weight was or how much it is now or anything about my blog. Until today. I have come out of the closet. So to all who come read my blog /wave and don't judge me.

Day 94-Today the kids go back to school and the Moms go back to normal

The kids had their first day of school today. I did something I have always wanted to do, but couldn't. I walked my kids to school. We live 4 blocks away! I walked them there then I went on and did my 2.5 miles. I am also going to walk and pick them up. I can't tell you how absolutely wonderful it is that I can do this! And it's no hardship, it's not difficult. It's just incredible that I can do this. I also still plan on walking in the evenings with my friend. We'll see how this all works.
Did I mention the kids are in school today? *dances around the house* What heavenly bliss! It's so quiet and peaceful and I can actually DO stuff without interruption. And something else. Normally, when the kids are in school, I head out to do shopping and always go out to eat. Always. It's MY time, when I have a book and read and eat and enjoy myself immensely. That's just not how I operate anymore. A trip to McDonald's is going to be extremely rare. In fact, I have eaten there twice since May 19th, the second time was yesterday. I was out last minute school shopping with my daughter and she wanted to get a McChicken. We went in and I had my trusty book and decided that I would eat too. I had a double cheeseburger and a small fry. I have never in my life spent so little at McDonald's! It was 670 calories and I enjoyed it but it's not something I will do again for a long time.
So I'm being Suzy Homemaker today. I already have dinner planned. BBQ chicken, scalloped potatoes, banana nut muffins, fresh sliced tomatoes and cantaloupe. Mmmmmm. And I know the kids are going to be starving when they get home, they always are. The OLD Zaa would have something chocolate and high calorie for them but now? I have no idea.
I read the most horrible book. It's called The Other Me and basically it's a woman watching her sister die of MORBID OBESITY. Yes, she actually died because of her weight. She was 5 feet tall and weighed 550 pounds. I felt such revulsion reading it. But it was one of those that you can't put down. I'm not putting it under my Book list because it was really awful. I think it's because that could have been me. I was so afraid that I would get fatter and fatter as life went on and I was filled with horror but felt helpless, trapped, doomed. It's nothing short of a miracle that I am even sitting here, typing for this weightloss blog, walking and eating so little and having the time of my life! I want so to tell others how incredibly easy it is to lose weight but of course, nobody is going to just walk up to me and ask me to teach them! And I can't walk up to them and say 'Hey, you're fat and I used to be fat and here let me show you how to lose weight!' My whole life I have known that to lose weight you have to eat less and exercise more. I never wanted to do it that way because who wants to lose 1-2 pounds a week when you have so much to lose? I wanted quick huge losses or you can forget it! And none of that exercise stuff for me please. And why in the world should I deprive myself of the foods I love? I don't think anything would have changed my mind until I was ready to have it changed.
I weigh tomorrow. Yes I'm kind of dreading it. I don't know why. I haven't had a loss smaller than 5 pounds. And you know I weigh every two weeks. I'm sure it will happen. It does to others. I think I have always associated the scale with negativity. I have always hated the numbers that appeared since I felt I couldn't do anything about it. Maybe in time my feelings will change. I toy with getting my own scale once I get below 300 but that freaks me out to have one in my own home! I'm afraid I would hop on it every time I turned around.
We've had several rainy days in a row and right now it is 66 degrees. It was lovely walking in the cool morning instead of the hot muggy evening! I am anxious for autumn to arrive! It's my favorite season, and not just because my birthday is in October! I love the smell of leaves burning, and the beautifully colored trees and flowers. I also think I love it because I could start covering up my body from other's view. Summer is not friendly for overweight people. All that exposed flesh! Weird to think I'm done with that forever. Next summer is going to be very different from this summer. I'm also anxious to try on a coat.
**********More Signs that Zaa is Losing*********

• At McDonald's yesterday I fit into the booth with room to spare and I ALMOST CRIED RIGHT THERE. Yes this is working and working well and I am joyous. Every day I wake up and even if I have cruddy things in my life I have this joy that gives me a smile. I am losing weight.
• I can buckle the seat belt in my son's truck without having someone help me and then feeling like I am going to explode it's so freaking tight! Not anymore baby!
• I actually RAN UP THE STAIRS last night. Me. Running. Up the STAIRS! Oh, and hold onto your horses, I also went very quickly DOWN the stairs (it can't be classified as a run because I'm always afraid I'll fall down the stairs and hold onto stuff but still) It's unbelievable! I used to crawl up the stairs. Yes, bent over and going up with my hands and feet. I couldn't do it any other way! At church it was agony to pretend to be just like everyone else and go up and down stairs normally. This is one of those things that make me hug myself.
• When I was walking this morning and holding my daughter's hand we both fit on the sidewalk. Side by side. I have never walked with one of my children side by side on a sidewalk.
  
• I have this plaid flannel shirt that I have never ever been able to button but I would always use it as an overshirt, with the sleeves rolled up because I couldn't button the cuffs. Well not anymore! I not only can button it I can pull the front farther and I can button the cuffs! It actually looks like it's too big! Can you imagine?

**********The End of the Blathering*********
So this whole week has centered around getting all the kids ready for today. I have 5 in school this year. That's a lot of stuff to have organized! But it's fun, I love it. The school used to start at 8:30 but this year they changed it to 8:10 and boy has it rocked our world! Now we have to get up at 6:30. I know I know life is hard but come on! Now I have to go to bed early so I can get up with the kids. Yes, pity me!
I think that about does it. Oh, I got a blog award thing! Took me a while to figure out how to show it. Do people just make that up? Or is that something that has been going on for a while?
You all be good. Big Zaababy hugs to you!

Day 89-Incredible thoughts, an epiphany, my broken heart mended and the old ball and chain

Had a nice slow lazy day today. Amazingly it got rainy and cooled off, so I decided that the best dinner would be tomato soup and toasted cheese sandwiches. And it was gooood. I just can't get over how fun it is to be a. losing weight and b. still enjoying what I always HAVE enjoyed, just in smaller portions and c. I get to eat what everyone else is eating, not some boring 'diet' food.
I actually had my first opportunity to talk to someone about weight loss. I was checking out at WalMart, and the checker saw my bottle of water and People magazine (okay don't hate I just love that thing) and said 'Where's the candy bar?' and I said 'No candybar!' and she said 'Oh you have the perfect combo, a new magazine and a candybar! How can you not have a candybar!' (In my past life I would have become extremely annoyed with how many times she said the word candybar) I said I have lost 36 pounds and I am not stopping now so no candybar. Well she freaked out, probably wondering where in the world I lost it from. Asked me my 'seeeeecret'. I am so thankful my eyes have been opened people. I told her exactly what I am doing and tried not to blather on in a boring fashion. And she said? You think I have a convert already? Nope, she said there was no way on earth she could eat that little, she loved food too much. And I said that I loved to eat food too! But she still shook her head in this sad little way. My heart just broke a tiny bit inside, but I knew that nothing could make her change her mind unless she decided it herself. Once, three months ago, that was me. Hopeless, worn down, discouraged, sad, hateful, tired, almost desperate. And now, here I am! I loved typing that sentence because it is incredible how I am not any of those things anymore! Simply incredible that Zaa is changing. I have prayed for change and tried to change and read books about becoming a better person for YEARS. I don't know why it took me so long to get it, but man oh man am I glad I do. I could live like this the rest of my life. And the best part is, it just keeps getting better every day. Always some new discovery right around the corner. Is my jawline a little more pronounced? When I stand sideways where do I look the most different? Every shirt I put on is a HUGE reinforcement that yes, Zaa, you are losing weight, this shirt fits dramatically different. Getting in the car, getting OUT of the car. I even fit into a booth. Zaa! In a booth! And my enormous tracts of land used to hang wayyy out over the table. Well they didn't yesterday! I went to visit my Dad and he freaked me out when he said 'let's go out to lunch!' because eeep there's always this huge fear that I'll eat too much. Well I didn't, I had my handy little calorie book and the restaurant was listed and I had chicken fried steak, mashed potatoes and gravy and cinnamon apples and water. And it was goooooooood. I ate half the steak, my Dad ate the other. My lunch was 600 calories, which pairs well with the 150 I had before I left in the morning. And while we ate my Dad actually asked me questions about what I am doing, he looked at my calorie book, and I swear when someone pulls the string on the back of my neck I talk forever about losing weight. But he kindly listened to my ravings and said he was very proud of me. And then he said what I hate more than anything, in his deep, sad, daddy voice, 'It's sad when a father has to bury his daughter.' Yes I know Dad you've said this for years and made me feel incredibly guilty for being fat.
Oh I so want to slide off of everyone's radar! I want to look normal and blend in and not stand out from the crowd. I don't want people talking about everything but the most obvious thing, 'Good God how did you get so fat? How do you even walk?'
When I decided to quit smoking 2 packs a day 17 years ago, I just decided. I had tried several times (it's the habit you love to hate) and barely even made it a day. I seriously don't know how it happened but something inside clicked and I was done. I have never had a cigarette to my mouth in all these years and I never will. I do not want to have to quit again! And now, it's the exact same thing with eating and being active. I had that click. After being overweight for at least 20 years (which looks horrible written down) and trying to lose weight and feeling bad about how I look it's actually working. I have thought it was working in the past before, and was afraid to feel confident and happy, afraid it would slip away. Which it did. It just hasn't now. In fact, as the days go by I am more sure that what I am doing is what I will be doing for life. 'To whom much is given, much is required.' I will never be able to blindly eat again.
Okay so the last few days have been freaky to say the least. My cat Ninja Cobra went missing and I seriously thought he was dead. Just broke my heart. And he showed up tonight out of nowhere and I hugged him and hugged him! But his eyes are all wide and freaked out, even after being here all evening, and his white fur looks a bit orange colored, like he rolled in something, it's even on his feet. I smelled him but it didn't smell like anything. I wonder where he went, what he got into, if I should give him a bath, but he is so freaked already I think a bath would put him over the edge. I just looked over at him and he's sleeping on my bed. Man I missed him.
When I was a little girl, I loved to look at my Mother's music box. When she and my Dad were engaged, he was stationed in Germany and sent it to her. How beautiful the music! It was made in Switzerland and played 4 different songs. You could watch the whole thing through the glass, all the gears moving so steadily. Before she passed away, she asked me what I wanted that was hers, and I said the music box and her watch that she got when we lived in Taiwan. I got the watch when she went home to live with the Lord forever but I didn't get the music box until yesterday. I wound it a little and opened it and when the music started I felt the tears coming but I didn't want to cry then so I didn't. Just very touching, you know? Really brought back the memories.
For some reason I am just irritated with my husband. Here I am, changing my entire life and yet my relationship with him stays the same. I had an epiphany. I have always done the right thing by him, loving him, hugging him, being happy to see him, to listen to him talk about his day. He is the one who has held ME at arms length for 28 years. It's HIM that is messed up. There is nothing more I can do, no way I can change that will do the trick, I've done it all. I am so glad I am on anti depressants. I can think clearly about this situation but it doesn't send me spiraling down into the dumps like it used to. It's like I'm floating on it. Does that make sense?
I have a great Carrie quote. I love Carrie Bradshaw and if you don't know who she is then you're probably a guy or just fell off the turnip truck. She said,
'Maybe the past is like an anchor holding us back. Maybe you have to let go of who you were to become who you will be.'
I am letting go.
And I know its only 73 outside but I wish I hadn't turned the air off because its MUGGIER THAN ALL GET OUT and my room is stifling.
TTFN!

Day 87--long and rambling and a new list

Busy week with lots of drama that I won't repeat here. Let's just say I can't wait for school to start.
1500 calories--check
walking--check
everything's still going well. I'm looking at next week and Wednesday is my 3 month anniversary for changing my whole life by deciding to lose weight. Three months! Can you believe it.
************more signs it's working************

• I'm discovering bones--in my ankles, around my elbows, and in the rear end! I was sitting on the front porch and thought dang my tailbone hurt then I thought DANG MY TAILBONE HURT! I haven't felt that in years and years! I was so happy
  
• Under my arms I do not have a huge roll of fat that comes out over my bra anymore. And I do not 'bubble' out of the front at all.
  
• I can lay on my back and my breasts do not suffocate me. I can even lie on my stomach! I can even roll on the bed from my back to my side then to my tummy. And it's no trouble
• I can sit up in bed without looking like a big puffy whale. I love this.
• When I turn my head I can see a neck beginning to emerge. I have a neck now (of course) but this is the neck that has definition and the beginnings of an indentation at the base. I am going to have a base!
• I freaked out a bit because the shirt I wanted to wear didn't completely cover my tummy and then I turned sideways and thought hmmmm my tummy isn't huge and gargantuan like it used to be I think I'll wear it anyways and I did and it looked great! Normally I am very self conscious about my tummy. I'm so glad it's the first thing thats going away
• my breasts and stomach stick out evenly now instead of my tummy sticking out more

***************************end of the wonderfulness**********************
I love to read books about people who lost a lot of weight. They're very interesting and informative. I found a comment in one titled Passing For Thin that struck me. She said, 'Obesity's cardinal rule was that anything I wanted I couldn't have, except more food.'
Wow. Just wow. That hit me hard. I think of how my weight has ruled my life and what a slave I was to food. And now I'm not. It's just that simple. But so sad that that statement fit me to a T for so many years. I could always eat more. Even if I was full to the gills I could eat more. Everyday is bursting with newness. When I get dressed, when I see myself in the mirror, when I find I have energy to do basic household tasks, tasks that I can do without getting winded like I used to. Around every corner is another positive result of my decision to lose weight.
Something else I was thinking. My whole life all I have ever wanted was to have people like me. I was kind, compassionate, interested, you name it I was it. And they just didn't. And don't. And it just devastates me. I just can't understand why but it does. It's these constant feelings of rejection that get me down the most. And I had an epiphany today. I really haven't liked myself. In fact I can say with all truthfulness that I have hated myself for a long time. When your own husband doesn't like/love you, for over 20 years, it kind of gets to you. You start to believe all kinds of weird things. So this is odd for me, these new feelings. I am proud of myself for the first time in forever, proud because I am doing it, the big IT that I ran from and hid from and cried and prayed about--I am changing my life and losing weight. And that's the biggest part I think--I am changing my life. When I first started, I thought I would lose weight and that would be it. But that's not so! I'm changing on the inside too! And someday. Someday I'll have the courage to do something about my marriage. I really believe this. Someday I will tell my husband that he better start treating me nice or I'll leave because I am just so sick of his indifference towards me. Someday I will go up to Becky, the girl who absolutely hated me through my school years and show her the scar below my lip from when she pushed my head down into the water fountain when I was taking a drink and I will say 'You made my life a living hell and I have hated you for 30 years'. Okay now reading that I sound so pathetic. I can't believe I have hated that girl for 30 years. Dang that's a long time! She probably has no idea that how she treated me affected me so deeply. Time to let that one go. Someday I will go up to my sister-in-law and tell her how much she hurt me when she came over for a surprise visit when I was pregnant with my 6th child and suffering from morning sickness and homeschooling and she wanted a tour of the house and when she was alone with my husband she said, 'How can you live like this?'
Okay enough of the weird emotional stuff.
We went to my husband's parent's home tonight. It was his Dad's 87th birthday. And boy does he look bad. My daughter Rachel lives with them and cares for them, otherwise they'd be in a nursing home. I wondered if this was his last birthday with us. I had one bite of cake. And that was it. No icecream, no sundae cone *which I adore because of that huge amount of hardened chocolate in the tip of the sugar cone* and I was fine and dandy. No struggle. No torment. Boy I'm glad.
I've had several emails from you, my faithful readers and fellow bloggers, because I haven't posted since Sunday. No, I have not fallen off the wagon. I just can't believe that my life is interesting. I mean come on. Who wants to read about me telling my daughter she couldn't go down and spend the weekend with some boy she met at camp and she immediately turned into an offended princess? Or the arguing when chores are assigned, or the arguing over the computer, or the arguing just because the kids want to be mean? Or that I didn't make a menu plan for this week and everyday is so stupid because I never know what I'm going to make for dinner until around 5:30 and usually entails a trip to the store? See? How boring is that? Oh wait, I'm sure everyone's panting to know that I cleaned my utility room and washed sheets and towels and hung them out on the line. Allright I'll try to do better and post more!
So to sum up: Zaa is shrinking and thrilled, life is hectic and boring in turns, and there will be dancing in the streets when the kids go back to school next Thursday.
It's late and I'm wiped out. Later gators!

Day 83--no snappy title this time, just read it anyways okay?

I figured out that to reach my goal (give or take) I need to lose 164 pounds which is a whole lot less than 200! Why I waited so long to do that is beyond me.
School is lurking around the corner. This was tax free weekend and I took advantage of it. I've been shopping with 4 of my kids and bought all their school clothes except some jeans for one of my sons. He wanted a pair that was $40! Can you believe it! I said you can have those or you can have 3 pairs from Walmart so he put them back. Smart kid. And yes, I am worn out and yes, my foot hurts. I have noticed that when I'm on it a lot it hurts more. My daughter and I were out all afternoon and evening yesterday shopping and she wanted to get something to eat. My immediate thought was DANGER DANGER because I'm so scared I'll morph into a giant pig at a restaurant and steal food off of other people's plates. We went to Pizza Hut because I figured I could get more bang for my calorie buck there, and I did just fine. I did NOT savage the other customer's plates and I stayed below my calorie limit. I am so glad I had my little calorie book with me. I ate 2 pieces of pizza, half a breadstick and 3 yes THREE chocolate dipping heavenly things and my my my was that a very delicious dinner. I also drank water. I felt so normal. Well, almost. The other pizza hut eaters were all eating with gusto and abandon and who even KNOWS how many calories they were socking away. So I'm glad I was not eating like that.
My daughter is home from camp. She's been gone all summer. And of course it's weird having her here, she is acting weird, we're acting weird, it's all weird. I'm sure she's not going to like the parental yoke that is being placed on her after the joyful freedom she has enjoyed. Band camp starts tomorrow and goes all week. She and my other daughter will be gone and man are they excited. Tonight is also the kickoff for football practice which is always started with a midnight practice and do not ask me why because I think its strange but it's a big huge tradition in this little town. Football is BIG STUFF in this town. The high school team always does very very well.
When we first moved to this little town we were still homeschooling. I wish I had known what a great school it was I would have put them in it right away. But I was scared of the public school system. Ah well.
So tonight I made a really nice dinner. Sour cream chicken, FRESH corn on the cob which was divine, cantaloupe, rolls and a pasta salad. It was all so yum. I have a rough idea of how many calories it was, but since I had only had 300 calories for the day I wasn't worried. Today has just been such a huge day. I didn't have time to eat breakfast before we left for church, then afterwards we decided to get the boy's shopping done since we were very close to a Kohl's store. I had nothing to eat until 3 and man was I starved! I forgot how much my husband hates shopping. He hates it. A lot.
I still lack confidence. I know that 36 pounds is a lot to some people but to me it's a drop in the bucket. I mean come on I am still fat! I still look fat! So I haven't 'arrived' in the self confidence department. I think people still look down on me because of how I look. When I was at the grocery store I bought these HUGE honey buns for my hubby and son to take in their lunches this week. You know, the ones that are 600 calories APIECE? I bought 7 of them. And felt obligated to explain to everyone around me who they were for and I don't eat them and they're not for me and I'm counting calories. You can do that in a small town. Everyone knows everyone.
It's the kind of town where everyone waves to other cars while driving. Nice.
So yeah the lack of confidence thing shows up in other areas too. Like with me and my hubby. Things have been bad for SO LONG and then things changed nicely 2 months ago. Very nicely. But all it takes is any kind of perceived slight from him and I am moping around, thinking he doesn't REALLY like me, how can he when I'm so fat and disgusting looking? I think that sure, we have great sex but he probably is grossed out the next day when he looks at me. Isn't this awful? I try to change how I talk to myself but in this area I am not successful. I have felt bad and looked bad and hated myself and everything for so long. Things are different now but my brain hasn't quite caught up with the changes. I DON'T hate myself or everything anymore. I LIKE myself and everything around me. Making the decision to lose weight is the best thing that has ever happened to me. My entire world is changing for the better. But my brain. My brain and habit are tough to break. Okay my husband has been a not nice husband for over 20 years. He's a good guy, doesn't drink or beat me or the kids or fool around. But he hated me. Things are completely reversed now but I am just waiting for it all to go away, to be back to the way it was. I can't relax and just LOVE him. Okay I can't believe I just typed all this but I'm keeping it all there.
I'm so glad I made the decision to blog about my weight loss journey. I am meeting the neatest people through it. Thanks for reading, for leaving kind comments, for not criticizing me.
Have a great day folks.

Day 82--quick post and boys don't read

Heading out to do some shopping with another daughter and just had to post two cool things:
******boys don't read***********

1. I had to use the small stall at WalMart yesterday through no choice of my own and I could wipe with no trouble! I normally cannot do that at all which is why I always use the handicap stall
2. I can see my pubic hair.
   

*********boys can read now**************
So neat two more positive signs for me! More later if I have anything to write about.
TTFN!

Day 81--Weigh Day, Ninja Cobra, and a most exciting interview

Day 81 wow! Today is weigh day so I grabbed my daughter and we headed to the clinic. And tell me why do I always feel like I'm headed to the gallows on weigh day? Jumped on the scale and I am down 9 more pounds for a total of 36 pounds lost! When I saw that 320 I about fainted I really did I could not believe it! And my blood pressure was 140/80 which I am pleased with. I have never had a problem with it which is surprising with how much I weigh but since I'm there I have them check it anyways.
Still walking everyday and keeping below the 1500 calories.
Picked up poor Ninja Cobra (my cat) at the vet. He was seriously surprised to see me! I guess he thought I had deserted him. They lanced his abcess in several places and it is quite grody to look at. He licks it all the time and is sleeping a great deal too. I have 2 medicines to give him but they're no biggee, he's a big baby for me. And I will not let him outside even though he super wants to. I think with open wounds he should stay in! He sleeps on my bed so I put a towel on it--I don't want him oozing on my white spread--and he actually lays on it!
So I'm starting to not be so freaked out about cooking and eating regular foods. I'm learning that I can make and enjoy things with the smaller portions. I've always been afraid I would turn into some huge pig when faced with something luscious, that I wouldn't be able to control myself. Never letting myself get too hungry is the key. I've noticed that if I'm super hungry that's when I want to eat and eat and eat. You'd think I'd have known this but there is this fear inside that something will happen, I don't know what, that will make me quit this, be a failure, gain everything back like I always do.
I was walking by myself two nights ago, which is dangerous since I'm my own worst enemy. And I was mulling over how slow my weight loss has been and how frustrating it is. And out of nowhere comes this thought 'I'm just going to quit!' Now where in the world did that come from! I don't want to quit losing weight, go back to the way I was before. The discouragement and despair and hatred of myself. As I thought about that I made a fresh new commitment. I am going to keep on because I have no other choice. It's either this or the way I was before May 19th and I CHOOSE THIS.
Last night I made pizza stromboli at my nephew's special request. And I had 2 small pieces and it was good and it was enough. They left afterwards *sniff* I sure like them. The house is a lot quieter without them here! Boy were the kids upset when I told them it was bedtime and they had to sleep UPSTAIRS IN THEIR BEDS. This party-sleepover-stayuplate crud is oh vee ee ar.
Today starts the tax free weekend for school supplies. I need to head up there before everyone and their brother is at walmart buying stuff. I wish I could buy a good gaming computer right now since those are tax free too!
I tried to blog everyday but I have nothing to say thats different. Each day is the same ole same ole:

• it's hot
• I walked
• I ate less than 1500 calories
• my kids are driving me insane
• my laundry has a life of its own and is out of control
  
• my foot hurts
• I hate socks

Oh well there is one thing different. My husband was home yesterday and today. Kind of throws a wrench in the works. He's a painter and is between jobs at the moment.

NEWS FLASH
We interrupt this fascinating blog to bring you a most exciting story! This interviewer had a bit of a time tracking down the Incredible Shrinking Woman, but in the end, was successful. Here is an exerpt of our time together:
Reporter: The word on the streets is you have joined an elite Fat Fighting Supergroup. Care to elaborate?
Zaababy: Yes, it is true. I am now a member of Weight Loss Superheroes. We are dedicated to fighting flab and the insane diet methods many are tormented by.
Reporter: Does your group have a leader?
Zaababy: Yes. I can't reveal his Flab Fighting name, but I will tell you that his secret identity is a DJ in a radio station. And I can't tell you more than that!
Reporter: This is the first I've heard of you guys. How did you all become Superheroes?
Zaababy: It's a lot easier than one might think. We all just made the decision to lose weight using sensible methods--portion control and exercise--and convert everyone we know to throw away the chains of 'diets' and be Flab Free.
Reporter: So you mean I can be a Weight Loss Superhero too??
Zaababy: Yes, anyone can join our Supergroup.
Reporter: Well now, this has given me much to think about. Any last words?
Zaababy: If I can do it, so can you!
As this interviewer watched, Zaababy leaped and ran away to help out in a Lard Losing emergency. And as she left, she called back, 'Fat, fat, away!' What an incredible interview with an incredible woman!

And thats it for today folks. Make wise choices!

Day 78--Ninja Cobra and more lists

Another long hot sweaty day ending in a long hot sweaty walk. I still need that break in the middle, when we sit on a bench on Main Street. But someday I won't.
Overall another good day in a long string of good days. Sometimes I can't believe that this is me doing all this. That inside of me is the strength and determination to actually DO SOMETHING about my weight. And why did it take so long for that something to click inside me? I keep reading all these wonderful blogs and folks are losing so much weight and they're at the end of their journey and I'm in the 'during' part of it all. It's hard to be patient. It's hard to keep saying 'I can't do this or that but I will be able to next summer!' I feel like my life is on hold until I lose a lot of this weight. There are so many things I physically cannot do and there are things I just don't do--because of my weight. Being fat has shaped my life for far too long.
My poor Ninja Cobra is at the vet overnight! He's been attacked 3 times in the past month by animals and always on his back by his tail. And each time an abcess would form and burst (ewww). Well this time I took him to the vet because he is really sick. His temperature was 105 and I don't know their normal one but that is high! So she said she would lance the abcess (ewww), flush the wound and start him on antibiotics. And that flush the wound thing? That sounds so nice doesn't it? Well it's horrible and quite deceiving! You take a humongous syringe with no needle, suck up betadine solution, then jam the syringe into the wound and plunge it all in. Of course, the cat is going insane with pain at that moment. I am so glad I was not there when they were working on him! Poor baby, I hope he gets better. I'm kind of scared he's going to die.
I haven't done this for a while so I'm going to do it again.
Things I Want To Do When I'm Thin:

• sit anywhere I want and not be afraid for an instant that the chair will collapse
  
• fit into a booth
  
• test drive a cute tiny car like a mini cooper or little 2 seater. It will be great to actually fit into something like that
• Make a huge dinner for family and not for one second be afraid that I'm going to blow it all by pigging out
• get a whole new wardrobe
• wear high heels
• get a really really nice coat. I haven't had one for years. Weird to think I'll actually get cold. I sure don't now.
• Go places and know that when people notice me it's not because I'm the biggest person there, but because of my charm and personality. ahem.
• have the seat up closer to the steering wheel instead of as far back as possible.
  

Things That I Hate Right Now:

• my very large underwear and bras
• all my clothes are years old, stained and worn thin. It's taking forever to grow out of them!
• my left foot still hurting
• people who try to help by offering recipes that they used that are fat free and sugar free. I loathe that stuff. I would rather have a small piece of something luscious than a large piece of something that is tasteless and weird. Besides, my husband has forbidden me to serve him anything fat free. He had one fat free hotdog (years ago on one of my doomed diet attempts where I ate less than 10 g of fat a day) and it grossed him out so much. They were pretty icky.
• being 78 days on my weight loss journey and nobody knows unless I tell them because the weight I have to lose is immense and 30 pounds is a drop in the bucket. I still look the same to folks. that's a toughie for me.
• I couldn't sit next to my sister to eat on Sunday because she was sitting in the group of folding chairs and I knew I would not fit in any of them. That stunk
• having people who DO know I'm doing this be surprised that I'm still doing it.
  
• this computer. I'm sorry but 1 gig of ram just doesn't cut it anymore amiright?

I don't know why but I really like to make lists with the bullets. It looks so cool.
I am reading Confessions of a Carb Queen. Wow what a story. I just love finding another person who has lost a lot of weight without surgery or pills. Gives me a lot of encouragement.
So there you have it. Another day in the life of Zaa. Now I'm going to do something new: ask a question to my readers! Here it is:
Name one thing you are looking forward to doing that you can't do now.
I will be horribly embarrassed if nobody answers it and then I will probably not do it again!
Make wise choices my friends.
Zaababy

Day 77

Man oh man oh man is it hot here today. I am so thankful for air conditioning! And Day 77, doesn't that sound spectacular?!
Yesterday we left the house around 8AM. We had to be a bit early to sunday school because all the musicians practice together early. I had to make sure we had:

1. all taken showers
   
2. taken the dogs out
3. put the cats out
4. put all the food in the car we were taking
5. put all the clothes in the car for changing into after church
6. and shoes
7. turned off all the lights
8. my music

So yes it was tough but we made it! Church was fine and afterwards we headed to my sister's to relax for a while. We headed over to my Dad's around 3. Okay, I love my Dad very much. And I know with my Mom being gone that it's tough to have a family dinner at his house. But I mean come on he didn't even vacuum. We had to put the plates and silverware and cups and stuff on the tables and lay out the food and cook the food and sheesh! He sat and talked with all the other men about the stuff men all talk about which is all incredibly boring. But we all had a very good time nonetheless. I thought I was going to die of starvation since I hadn't eaten since 7:30! I didn't. And man the hotdog and baked beans and devilled egg were so good. I also had a tiny square of these brownies my niece brought that had 2 large toffee and almond symphony bars baked inside. It was a great day for me eatingwise. I love how I can have anything I want. Those few bites of that tiny brownie were so yummy and hit that chocolate spot inside me. We left with more kids than we arrived with. I mean seriously, how does that even happen that people with lots of kids have more foisted upon them? Well, not foisted. I am glad to have my two nephews here for a last hurrah before school starts.
I was so hoping that when my family saw me yesterday they would all swoon and freak out about how different I looked but nobody noticed anything and I thought well they will in a few months so I wasn't upset. I mean, I notice all kinds of differences but I guess when you are huge and you lose 30 pounds well, you're still huge! They were all very encouraging and asked me how much weight I'd lost. Then my sister-in-law kept raving about this caramel apple salad that she made that was zero points on WW and I asked her how many calories and she said she didn't know but I could eat as much of it as I wanted and I said I only eat 1500 calories a day. If I was doing WW I would have been overjoyed but as it was I had a small portion. And yes it was good. She said she would send some of her best recipes from WW. She lost a nice chunk of weight herself several years ago and has kept it off all this time. And might I say how happy I am for my sister who looks lovely and thin and NORMAL. And there I was all blobby and puffy and sweaty. But not for long. Next summer? I will be lovely and thin and normal. Well, as normal as I can be!
It is 100 degrees here. I am so glad that the entire school is now air conditioned. No more early outs because of heat! Speaking of school, it starts 2 weeks from Thursday. Yippy!!! The kids are so bored and blah and driving me completely insane.
My Bekah comes home this weekend. She's been gone most of the summer.
I made a lovely lasagna for dinner. Then I went on a shorter walk than normal but hey, it's so stinkin hot out there. But still, better than nothing. The kids all want me to make some kind of snack and I haven't yet, it's 10 now, and gee I guess they'll just have to live without it. Funny how things are different now. Used to be we always and I mean ALWAYS had some kind of junk sitting around--brownies, cookies, cake, some kind of luscious ice cream dessert, cheesecake, whatever I was in the mood to make. Now? Nothing. I'll be making stuff for special occasions and family get togethers but other than that nope. We do not need it. And we are doing just fine without it. You know, I thought I was making all that junk for them all but really it was for me. Everything was chocolate that could be. Yes, I have a big chocolate tooth!
*********more signs that I'm losing**************

• I have room between my tummy and the steering wheel. I can put my hand between them!
• I have extra length in my seat belt!
• I can see the veins in my feet! I think I wrote about this earlier, but when I noticed that I was so scared! I thought that blood was pooling in my feet, that something was wrong with my circulation or something. My children pointed out that you can see the veins in THEIR feet too. Was too funny.

*****************end of my short list***************
I have to take my cat Ninja Cobra to the vet tomorrow. He has ANOTHER abcess by his tail. That is the 3rd one this month. The vet said she would have to lance it and I said have fun with that I am going to be in the waiting room. I hate hearing them cry don't you? Even though it's for their good they don't understand and its scary. I'll also get to give him an antibiotic and I hope with all my heart it's liquid but it'll probably be pills which I fail in giving to cats. Dogs? Put it in a hotdog or a piece of hamburger and it's gone in a blink but cats? If you have given a pill to a cat then you know what I mean and if you haven't well lets just say it's super fun and I'm being sarcastic.
When a lot of us bloggers start up, it's freeing because we don't think anyone is reading what we write. Then we slowly start to get a following. And then you find out that not only are they reading everyday they are going BACK TO THE VERY BEGINNING OF THE POSTS and reading them ALL. Talk about freaking me out.

1. I never ever thought that anybody would think what I was writing was interesting enough to read even one time
   
2. I am a little fish in a big pond. I didn't think anyone would even find my blog.
3. When I wrote, it was kind of to myself. Now? I have to block out the fact that others are reading. Otherwise it would be so stilted and odd.
4. Not only are people reading, they are leaving comments! And such nice supportive encouraging comments they are!
   
5. I even had someone say I was an inspiration. Me. My decision to lose weight and start blogging about it seems to be a common thing, how can this even be.

Oh and all that stuff I said about my husband I take back. He apologized and everything and I wouldn't accept it because I was so stupidly mad and I prolonged the agony by a whole nother day. Sometimes I am just too stupid for words. So I ate crow yesterday and now things are back to where they were before. I am an incredibly dramatic person and my poor husband has to put up with that.
So there you have it. Day 77 has come and gone and I'm ready for tomorrow. I think I'll have bacon and eggs and juice for breakfast, I haven't had that for a while.
Thanks for being kind to me. Make wise choices!!!!!!!