Today is cleaning/cooking day in preparation for tomorrow. If you've been wondering why you can hear whines and moans in the air, it's coming from my house. Sorry! Making the kids help clean up around here always produces those sounds, and they travel far. Stopped at the store for last minute stuff, and then the kitchen stuff begins in earnest!
Having ham and all the fixings, and let's not forget I have to fix dinner for tonight too. Tuna casserole is what we'll be having, since my vegetarian daughter is home from college and fish is not meat to her, and is about one of the only things she eats when she is home, that and cheese pizza.
I just......am tired. Had a very long conversation with my Dad, complete with massive guilt trip, and with the residual emotions from yesterday makes for a drained day. I just can't shake the blues. Here it is, one of my favorite times of the year, where I get to cook massive amounts of food which I LOVE to do, and I'm feeling all droopy inside. I've got my ipod turned on to my 'sad' playlist, the one I play when I am feeling most sorry for myself. I do not want to be a victim, I hate being a martyr, I absolutely loathe people who get offended by something you do and then NEVER TELL YOU, but just wait around for an apology and you don't even know something is wrong. Then, when you DO find out, because they let it slip, they don't even give you a CHANCE to apologize. Thus proving to me that they don't WANT you to apologize, they WANT to be mad.
I took 3 computers up to his house for him to work on, and out of that I get one back, and it's a brand new one he bought to replace one! How can I be upset with someone who does something so kind?! Yet all the kindness is laced with these venomous barbs, and just like with my husband, I never see it coming. Ever. Always taken off guard. Which is why I am just......tired. And I think I'm getting a headache. And a toothache. I always seem to get those on Saturday when the dentist is closed.
So blah and ugh. I would love to lie down for a little bit and mope but college daughter is asleep on my bed. Sideways.
I think I have PLOM's disease. Poor Little Ole Me.
Saturday, April 23, 2011
Friday, April 22, 2011
It's actually not a Good Friday after all
Why why do I let stuff bother me?
We get a phone call from some people down the street who had a package of ours delivered to them by mistake, so my husband goes to pick it up. It was addressed to him, let's get that straight.
It was from Russell Stover's. The kids were helping him open it and he said,
'I didn't order this. Your Mom must have done it.'
Wha-?
Yes, I am such a big fat pig that I order candy THROUGH THE MAIL, and have it shipped to my husband to divert attention from the fact that I am such a big fat pig. I said,
'I did not order candy through the mail.'
Ended up being a gift from his sister in Illinois.
I cannot tell you how stupidly upset and hurt I am that my husband's instinctive response, even when the package is addressed to him, is that it was mine.
And of course I have to tell him how upset I am that he thought I ordered candy through the mail and of course now he is mad at me. I forgot to walk over those eggshells. I do that, sometimes. And then pay. At least I can be thankful he isn't physically abusive, just verbally and emotionally.
Zaababy out.
We get a phone call from some people down the street who had a package of ours delivered to them by mistake, so my husband goes to pick it up. It was addressed to him, let's get that straight.
It was from Russell Stover's. The kids were helping him open it and he said,
'I didn't order this. Your Mom must have done it.'
Wha-?
Yes, I am such a big fat pig that I order candy THROUGH THE MAIL, and have it shipped to my husband to divert attention from the fact that I am such a big fat pig. I said,
'I did not order candy through the mail.'
Ended up being a gift from his sister in Illinois.
I cannot tell you how stupidly upset and hurt I am that my husband's instinctive response, even when the package is addressed to him, is that it was mine.
And of course I have to tell him how upset I am that he thought I ordered candy through the mail and of course now he is mad at me. I forgot to walk over those eggshells. I do that, sometimes. And then pay. At least I can be thankful he isn't physically abusive, just verbally and emotionally.
Zaababy out.
It's a Good Friday
So Mary was home from school yesterday with a bad earache. The clinic in town was able to smoosh her into their schedule and the doctor said she had an infection in her ear CANAL. NOT behind the eardrum. Which is weird. MG said she felt she had a lot of wax in her ear, and dr said she couldn't see the eardrum at all, that it looked like she had a fungus growing in her ear. Okay that officially creeps me out. Started her on antibiotics and tomorrow we head back to have her ears cleaned out. Just the thought of a fungus growing in your ear is so weird and gross. Poor Mary. And of course she wakes up in the night and comes to sleep with me, wanting drops put in her ear to help with the pain. And then I slept fitfully the rest of the night. 11 year olds are just so BIG and LONG sleeping in between me and hubby!
So everyone is home today and then Monday. Hubby is home too, he finished his after hour project for this week and announces that after Monday he has no more work. I officially hate him being self employed. This has been my life for 25 years. We have no work--we fall desperately behind on bills. He gets work--we actually get caught up and things look bright and then-! No work again! It's this vicious cycle. People who don't actually live this way say that if you keep to a budget the money will always be there but I can never do that because I'm always digging my way out of a hole. If we didn't have food stamps I honestly don't know how we would make it.
So this weekend kind of starts the end of the year hullabaloo around here. First we have Easter. Daughter Bekah comes home from college to visit us and is bringing the first round of her stuff home. She has 2 weeks of school left, and I wonder how her grades are. She has been on academic probation this semester. Which is kind of like double secret probation.
Next weekend is Bethany's prom. So weird to think she is old enough to go to PROM! She has her dress already, a dark green SHORT one because she wants to be different than everyone else. I have a friend who will be fixing her hair and makeup and I am going to post pics because she is so wonderful and sweet.
The next weekend is Bethany and Bekah's training weekend down at Wonderland Camp where they will be working again this summer. Bekah is going to be a cabin leader which she is so thrilled about! They both have lofty plans about actually SAVING their money this summer and doing something wonderful with it like buying a car but I'm not holding my breath. After that weekend Bekah will be home for 2 weeks before camp starts. She normally brings home lots and lots of drama with her. Believe you me, she can cram a lot of that in a short amount of time. I just hope she won't alienate her brothers and sisters this time.
Then we have HS graduation that Bethany will be playing her instrument in (pomp and circumstance you know) and the basic winding down of school. Can you believe this year is almost half over?!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Okay now it's time to talk about food and losing weight, which is the true purpose of this blog. If anyone actually read this far without their eyes glazing over I will be surprised.
Last night I made tacos, a hands down family favorite. I had one taco and half a burrito. I officially record the taco as 150 calories, the 1/2 burrito as 150, but I had several little 'grabs' of grated cheese as I was preparing everything. I have absolutely no idea why I did that! It just tasted so good what can I say. After dinner I had 200 calories of chocolate which tasted so very good. It comforts me to know how many calories I eat, which is why I dislike the out of control grabbing of the cheese. It's not WHAT I eat anymore it's how much and in what manner I ate it. I hate being out of control. I like to plan my food ahead of time, sometimes I plan the whole day out. It's not the food itself that is the problem it's ME ME ME. IT'S ALWAYS ME. I will be zipping along doing FANTABULOUS and then this crazy part of me takes over.
You know, there was a time when last night would have been the end. Of everything. I would have said something like this to myself:
Laura, you are a pig. A disgusting fat pig. Why can't you control yourself! What is wrong with you?
And then I would have gone ahead and eaten like a pig because I'm a total failure, I will never do this, how could I ever think I could do this, I am such a loser.
The funny thing is I would NEVER EVER talk like that to someone else!!! And yet I think it is perfectly okay to talk like that to myself!
Thankfully, I don't do that anymore. Thankfully I just move on. Thankfully I know that I am not perfect, that there are times when I am going to grab little fingers of grated cheese and I am going to estimate the calories as best I can and MOVE ON.
As I lay in bed this morning I was wishing. I wished
1. that I was thin and done with this all
2. that my marriage was different
3. that food didn't have calories
4. that I had a maid
5. that I liked, no LOVED, vegetables
6. that chocolate didn't have a special place in my heart
7. that I wasn't turning 50 this year
8. that I had a life outside of this home
There is a weird saying that is just so hard to get: If wishes were horses we all would ride. So then I got up to face my day, with all the laundry and cleaning and cooking and battling of SELF that I have to deal with. I really have so much to be thankful for.
1. I am relatively healthy, with all my faculties intact
2. My family is healthy
3. I have a home and a warm soft bed
4. I have a dishwasher
5. and all of my appliances work
6. I have a wonderful church 1 minute away
7. I have a BFF who lives 3 doors down
8. my husband works hard, doesn't screw around, or drink, or abuse me or the children, and he brings his paycheck home every week
9. I am thinner than I ever thought possible, wearing pants with a zipper!
10. I have a Savior who thought of me, above all, when he lived and died and rose again. I think Easter is my favorite time of year.
So snagging extra cheese is really a stupid thing to get upset about, isn't it.
Sometimes I reread the post I just wrote and I honestly can't believe anyone wants to read this stuff. My life is just so B-O-R-I-N-G. Well I'm off to crush my children's souls and make them clean their rooms. I hope you all have a Good Friday today!
So everyone is home today and then Monday. Hubby is home too, he finished his after hour project for this week and announces that after Monday he has no more work. I officially hate him being self employed. This has been my life for 25 years. We have no work--we fall desperately behind on bills. He gets work--we actually get caught up and things look bright and then-! No work again! It's this vicious cycle. People who don't actually live this way say that if you keep to a budget the money will always be there but I can never do that because I'm always digging my way out of a hole. If we didn't have food stamps I honestly don't know how we would make it.
So this weekend kind of starts the end of the year hullabaloo around here. First we have Easter. Daughter Bekah comes home from college to visit us and is bringing the first round of her stuff home. She has 2 weeks of school left, and I wonder how her grades are. She has been on academic probation this semester. Which is kind of like double secret probation.
Next weekend is Bethany's prom. So weird to think she is old enough to go to PROM! She has her dress already, a dark green SHORT one because she wants to be different than everyone else. I have a friend who will be fixing her hair and makeup and I am going to post pics because she is so wonderful and sweet.
The next weekend is Bethany and Bekah's training weekend down at Wonderland Camp where they will be working again this summer. Bekah is going to be a cabin leader which she is so thrilled about! They both have lofty plans about actually SAVING their money this summer and doing something wonderful with it like buying a car but I'm not holding my breath. After that weekend Bekah will be home for 2 weeks before camp starts. She normally brings home lots and lots of drama with her. Believe you me, she can cram a lot of that in a short amount of time. I just hope she won't alienate her brothers and sisters this time.
Then we have HS graduation that Bethany will be playing her instrument in (pomp and circumstance you know) and the basic winding down of school. Can you believe this year is almost half over?!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Okay now it's time to talk about food and losing weight, which is the true purpose of this blog. If anyone actually read this far without their eyes glazing over I will be surprised.
Last night I made tacos, a hands down family favorite. I had one taco and half a burrito. I officially record the taco as 150 calories, the 1/2 burrito as 150, but I had several little 'grabs' of grated cheese as I was preparing everything. I have absolutely no idea why I did that! It just tasted so good what can I say. After dinner I had 200 calories of chocolate which tasted so very good. It comforts me to know how many calories I eat, which is why I dislike the out of control grabbing of the cheese. It's not WHAT I eat anymore it's how much and in what manner I ate it. I hate being out of control. I like to plan my food ahead of time, sometimes I plan the whole day out. It's not the food itself that is the problem it's ME ME ME. IT'S ALWAYS ME. I will be zipping along doing FANTABULOUS and then this crazy part of me takes over.
You know, there was a time when last night would have been the end. Of everything. I would have said something like this to myself:
Laura, you are a pig. A disgusting fat pig. Why can't you control yourself! What is wrong with you?
And then I would have gone ahead and eaten like a pig because I'm a total failure, I will never do this, how could I ever think I could do this, I am such a loser.
The funny thing is I would NEVER EVER talk like that to someone else!!! And yet I think it is perfectly okay to talk like that to myself!
Thankfully, I don't do that anymore. Thankfully I just move on. Thankfully I know that I am not perfect, that there are times when I am going to grab little fingers of grated cheese and I am going to estimate the calories as best I can and MOVE ON.
As I lay in bed this morning I was wishing. I wished
1. that I was thin and done with this all
2. that my marriage was different
3. that food didn't have calories
4. that I had a maid
5. that I liked, no LOVED, vegetables
6. that chocolate didn't have a special place in my heart
7. that I wasn't turning 50 this year
8. that I had a life outside of this home
There is a weird saying that is just so hard to get: If wishes were horses we all would ride. So then I got up to face my day, with all the laundry and cleaning and cooking and battling of SELF that I have to deal with. I really have so much to be thankful for.
1. I am relatively healthy, with all my faculties intact
2. My family is healthy
3. I have a home and a warm soft bed
4. I have a dishwasher
5. and all of my appliances work
6. I have a wonderful church 1 minute away
7. I have a BFF who lives 3 doors down
8. my husband works hard, doesn't screw around, or drink, or abuse me or the children, and he brings his paycheck home every week
9. I am thinner than I ever thought possible, wearing pants with a zipper!
10. I have a Savior who thought of me, above all, when he lived and died and rose again. I think Easter is my favorite time of year.
So snagging extra cheese is really a stupid thing to get upset about, isn't it.
Sometimes I reread the post I just wrote and I honestly can't believe anyone wants to read this stuff. My life is just so B-O-R-I-N-G. Well I'm off to crush my children's souls and make them clean their rooms. I hope you all have a Good Friday today!
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Another Day in the Life
So Bethany is home, all traumatized (actually I am more than she is) by failing the metal detector several times at the airport in New York and having to be searched each time, the last in a private room thankfully. Ended up being the underwire in her bra-! But she's home safely, and got me an I heart New York T shirt in my fav color, purple! XL! She also got me a Hello Kitty puzzle ball! Puzzles are meh but I do love Hello Kitty. Such a sweetie! Having her favorites for dinner, chili dogs, fries and katie's dip. We had her favorites the day she left for New York but she had the stomach flu and didn't get to enjoy them. She is so very happy to be home and we are so very happy to have her back!
I had a lovely morning with my BFF. We went to the library, the pecan store, and the Hallmark store. I splurged and bought a very pretty pill box for my purse. Yes I am officially 100 years old. But seriously I needed it for my stupid blood pressure medicine and Wellbutrin and tylenol that is usually either ground to powder in the bottom of my purse or lost in my change purse.
Rachel came up for dinner and brought donuts from the bakery she works at. I had half of one. I also bought some candy at the pecan store for my secret sister for Easter and I did eat 3 small pieces of english toffee. I am so glad I am giving that away! That is so one of my weaknesses. I was worried that my BFF would want to eat lunch out, she just loves Sonic but I always end up hitting the bathroom all day after eating there and I did NOT want to eat there. But we didn't eat out at all YAY and I was able to come home and eat my very own 300 calorie lunch!!!
So all in all this has been a very boring mundane day with nothing praiseworthy about my eating. I had my normal cereal/juice combo for breakfast, same lunch I always have but man I sure love it. I am so excited with the losses I have had and want to keep that scale going down down down!
Also I started taking Royal Jelly to give me energy but for some reason it makes me tired. Go figure.
Making this short and sweet. Bethany is wanting to show us all the pictures she took and they're waiting for me!!!!
Make wise choices friends. I know I am.
I had a lovely morning with my BFF. We went to the library, the pecan store, and the Hallmark store. I splurged and bought a very pretty pill box for my purse. Yes I am officially 100 years old. But seriously I needed it for my stupid blood pressure medicine and Wellbutrin and tylenol that is usually either ground to powder in the bottom of my purse or lost in my change purse.
Rachel came up for dinner and brought donuts from the bakery she works at. I had half of one. I also bought some candy at the pecan store for my secret sister for Easter and I did eat 3 small pieces of english toffee. I am so glad I am giving that away! That is so one of my weaknesses. I was worried that my BFF would want to eat lunch out, she just loves Sonic but I always end up hitting the bathroom all day after eating there and I did NOT want to eat there. But we didn't eat out at all YAY and I was able to come home and eat my very own 300 calorie lunch!!!
So all in all this has been a very boring mundane day with nothing praiseworthy about my eating. I had my normal cereal/juice combo for breakfast, same lunch I always have but man I sure love it. I am so excited with the losses I have had and want to keep that scale going down down down!
Also I started taking Royal Jelly to give me energy but for some reason it makes me tired. Go figure.
Making this short and sweet. Bethany is wanting to show us all the pictures she took and they're waiting for me!!!!
Make wise choices friends. I know I am.
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
**Weigh Day Update** and reader email question and answer!
I guess Tuesdays are now my new official weigh day.
I lost 5 more pounds, I weigh 297 pounds, yay back under 300 again and on the downward trail!
Off to WalMart with my menu and shopping lists. I've had breakfast, and will cheerfully fly by all my tempting downfalls--McDonald's, Sonic, etc. I have lunch all planned out when I get home.
So this is short and sweet but you never know, I may come up with a bright and scintillating idea for a fabulous post while I'm out!
Zaababy out!
Quick Reader Email:
Dear Laura,
So glad you are posting again! I have missed your cheery outlook and optimism that comes out in your blog. Just a quick question: why did you stop posting? I saw you had gained weight. Sorry if I am asking too personal a question. Thanks!
From a fan
Dear Fan,
I am glad to be posting again too, thanks for missing me! Back when I started slowing down post wise I honestly felt boring. I didn't feel I had anything new to bring to the table. I had forgotten that this journal was for ME, to keep ME accountable, not to entertain anyone unlucky enough to come across my lame ramblings. Yes, after I became so unstable journal wise it showed forth in my losing focus--walking/running went to the wayside with all the ice and snow, one cookie became two, and then right before Christmas I started my marathon of sickness that I am still struggling with. Lots of colds and flus and pretty much I didn't even care anymore. I was focusing on getting better, I would be fine for a few days then get hit again. About 3 weeks ago at the doctor's office I weighed and discovered not only had I gained, oh no, I weighed 309 pounds! At the time I didn't even care I was so sick. But as I started feeling better I saw those numbers everywhere I looked 309 309 309!!! So back on the wagon I hopped. I had to do some serious decision making. Was I going to do what I knew to do or was I going to gain it all back and live that hellish life again? No more hell for me thank you very much. I've had my fill.
Back to 1500 calories a day. The walking has had to take a back seat until my health was better. I just haven't been that strong. The most important thing is to just never give up. I never really ever did. Other things were more important. Well now NOTHING is more important than hitting goal of 150 pounds. I can do it. I will do it. And blogging is key so there you go. Long winded answer to a very short simple question!
So keep those emails coming folks. Thanks for the kind and supporting words you all send my way.
I lost 5 more pounds, I weigh 297 pounds, yay back under 300 again and on the downward trail!
Off to WalMart with my menu and shopping lists. I've had breakfast, and will cheerfully fly by all my tempting downfalls--McDonald's, Sonic, etc. I have lunch all planned out when I get home.
So this is short and sweet but you never know, I may come up with a bright and scintillating idea for a fabulous post while I'm out!
Zaababy out!
Quick Reader Email:
Dear Laura,
So glad you are posting again! I have missed your cheery outlook and optimism that comes out in your blog. Just a quick question: why did you stop posting? I saw you had gained weight. Sorry if I am asking too personal a question. Thanks!
From a fan
Dear Fan,
I am glad to be posting again too, thanks for missing me! Back when I started slowing down post wise I honestly felt boring. I didn't feel I had anything new to bring to the table. I had forgotten that this journal was for ME, to keep ME accountable, not to entertain anyone unlucky enough to come across my lame ramblings. Yes, after I became so unstable journal wise it showed forth in my losing focus--walking/running went to the wayside with all the ice and snow, one cookie became two, and then right before Christmas I started my marathon of sickness that I am still struggling with. Lots of colds and flus and pretty much I didn't even care anymore. I was focusing on getting better, I would be fine for a few days then get hit again. About 3 weeks ago at the doctor's office I weighed and discovered not only had I gained, oh no, I weighed 309 pounds! At the time I didn't even care I was so sick. But as I started feeling better I saw those numbers everywhere I looked 309 309 309!!! So back on the wagon I hopped. I had to do some serious decision making. Was I going to do what I knew to do or was I going to gain it all back and live that hellish life again? No more hell for me thank you very much. I've had my fill.
Back to 1500 calories a day. The walking has had to take a back seat until my health was better. I just haven't been that strong. The most important thing is to just never give up. I never really ever did. Other things were more important. Well now NOTHING is more important than hitting goal of 150 pounds. I can do it. I will do it. And blogging is key so there you go. Long winded answer to a very short simple question!
So keep those emails coming folks. Thanks for the kind and supporting words you all send my way.
Monday, April 18, 2011
Yesterday Framed in Today
****A Look at my day, with a bit of nostalgic retrospective tossed in**************
I get up, mess around on the computer, then have a serving of cereal and 1/2 c of orange juice.
(I get up, mess around on the computer, then have a breakfast of 2 fried eggs, 5 pieces of bacon, 2 pieces of toast, and a 36 oz. glass of orange juice.)
I take a shower, casually washing every part of my body, joyfully washing my hair, planning what I will wear, and looking forward to running errands.
(I take a shower, only because it's been a week since I've bathed and all the creases and folds of my body are quite smelly. It's hard to reach my rear, or even turn around or make the slightest movements in the shower. When did it get so small?! I run over the few items of clothing I can wear, wondering if I can find something clean in a basket or if a favorite shirt doesn't smell/look too bad. Of course, I will wear either my black pants with the elastic waist or my jean capris with the elastic waist. All stretched and thin and ready to bust at the seams, of course. I look forward to hitting taco bell.)
I get dressed, blow dry my hair, put on makeup, put on jewelry, then grab my list and I am out the door!
(I struggle into my clothes, dreading looking in the mirror, most days avoiding that because I'm hideous, I'm a cow, and I hate how I look but there's nothing I can do about it. I put my hair into a pony tail still wet, grab my list, and I am out the door!)
I decide to hit taco bell for lunch. I haven't been there in ages and I am literally starving. I have a chicken baja chalupa, nachos, and water. I eat in the restaurant. I'm full!
(I mull over all the fast food restaurants, then decide on taco bell. I get the chicken chalupa meal, extra large dr. pepper, nachos with an extra tub of cheese sauce, and a caramel apple empanada. I eat in the car. No way am I going to attempt to stuff myself into a booth, because I do not fit. My breasts hang over the table halfway, there's only a small bit of room for my tray. I am stuffed but eagerly looking forward to checking out all the Easter candy at WalMart!)
I head into WalMart, buying my cat supplies, decide not to buy any flowers or candy buckets there because I know I can get that stuff cheaper elsewhere, then head out to Stoplight Market, the local Mennonite flower/baking goods place. I buy several flats of flowers for my hanging baskets, and decide that we're going to put some hydrangea bushes in the front of the house. They're $20 a piece!! So I think I'll buy one a week. Our house is going to look so pretty!
(I head into WalMart, buy all my cat supplies, who cares about flowers, lead me to the Easter Candy!!! I buy several bags, which is par for the course for me. Most will not end up in my kids baskets, but will be hidden in my bedside table, computer desk, under the bed, or in my purse. And woe to anyone who finds them and tries to eat them!!! I also grab a few candy bars at the checkout line, and a bottle of water. I am all red faced and puffy and out of breath. I sit in my car for 10 minutes with the windows down, letting the cool air blow on my face while I eat. I am tired now, so I head home, the Easter candy already opened and being eaten.)
I get home and corral my hubby into carrying the heavy stuff into the house, then I walk to the bank 1/2 block away and make a deposit.
(I get home and corral my hubby into carrying the heavy stuff into the house. While he is doing that I quickly hide all 'my' Easter booty in their clever hiding places. I have to lie down for a bit to recover from all my strenuous activity. I drive to the bank to deposit a check.)
I decide to make chicken strips and fries for the kids tonight since my hubby will be gone, so I've laid out chicken and mull over what recipe I want to use. I make some brownies for the kids. I haven't cooked in so long, I think they're going to be thrilled to come home to fresh brownies after school. I have one taste of batter and one taste of frosting, then leave the pan to cool for the kids. I head into the bedroom to look up recipes and post on my blog.
(I decide on chicken strips and fries for the kids tonight since my hubby will be gone, so I've bought 2 packages of premade chicken strips and they're in the freezer ready to go. My feet hurt and I am so tired. I decide to make some brownies 'for the kids'. I have several tastes of the batter, then lick the bowl clean. I have several taste of the icing, then lick the pan clean. I have a brownie hot and fresh on a plate, all gooey and yummy with a tall glass of cold milk. I have another. Have to keep myself topped off you know.)
I clean up the kitchen, then head outside to plant the flowers I bought. I bought a lovely red geranium, and it will look so pretty on my table! The other flowers go in the hanging baskets that I put on the clothesline my Dad made me with the pretty lattices that we have morning glories growing up on. Spring is here, the windows are open, life is good, and I am happy! Dinner is around 5:30 or 6, and I am going to try to get to bed early, since I've been sick so long, I don't want to push it. I do take a little time to mess around on the computer.
(I make the kids clean up the kitchen, then head to the computer to play online games. I make dinner late, because hubby isn't here, and I'm stuffed anyways with all the chocolate I've been eating. I spend the rest of the evening gaming on the computer, because in the online world I am NOTHING like I am in the real world. I eat steadily all evening.)
I take time to read my Bible and pray before bed, thanking God for all He has done for me, helping me to eat less and be more active, and being glad for the wise choices I made food wise. No exercise today, but as I grow stronger I will be walking and riding my bike daily. I fall asleep, happy, knowing that tomorrow will be another good day, I love myself and my life, and I look forward to weighing. I know the scale will have moved down again.
(I stay up late, eating, because my husband is working after hours tonight and won't be home til about 2 AM. I finally make myself go to bed in a food induced coma, sick to my stomach, hating myself. I hate myself. I hate everybody and I hate everything. I am such a gross disgusting pig. When I was out today, I was the fattest person everywhere I went. People looked at me funny, and I tried to be friendly and nice but they just can't get past the fat. I will never lose weight, ever. I am just going to get fatter and fatter and fatter until I die and there is absolutely nothing I can do about it. I'm going to be just like Gilbert Grape's Mom. I wish I could just die. I fall asleep eventually, waking up several times in the night to glug some Maalox because my indigestion is vicious. I dread tomorrow, knowing it will be the same as today with some variations, except my feet will hurt so bad. I will do nothing all day to 'recover'. The only thing I have to look forward to is more food.)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I actually cried typing this. How different my life is now than it was before! How sad and miserable I was! How I wish I could comfort my old self, tell her that there is hope, things will be different, life will change!
Who are you today? Are you like the old me, or the new me?
There is hope for you, too.
Make wise choices friend.
I get up, mess around on the computer, then have a serving of cereal and 1/2 c of orange juice.
(I get up, mess around on the computer, then have a breakfast of 2 fried eggs, 5 pieces of bacon, 2 pieces of toast, and a 36 oz. glass of orange juice.)
I take a shower, casually washing every part of my body, joyfully washing my hair, planning what I will wear, and looking forward to running errands.
(I take a shower, only because it's been a week since I've bathed and all the creases and folds of my body are quite smelly. It's hard to reach my rear, or even turn around or make the slightest movements in the shower. When did it get so small?! I run over the few items of clothing I can wear, wondering if I can find something clean in a basket or if a favorite shirt doesn't smell/look too bad. Of course, I will wear either my black pants with the elastic waist or my jean capris with the elastic waist. All stretched and thin and ready to bust at the seams, of course. I look forward to hitting taco bell.)
I get dressed, blow dry my hair, put on makeup, put on jewelry, then grab my list and I am out the door!
(I struggle into my clothes, dreading looking in the mirror, most days avoiding that because I'm hideous, I'm a cow, and I hate how I look but there's nothing I can do about it. I put my hair into a pony tail still wet, grab my list, and I am out the door!)
I decide to hit taco bell for lunch. I haven't been there in ages and I am literally starving. I have a chicken baja chalupa, nachos, and water. I eat in the restaurant. I'm full!
(I mull over all the fast food restaurants, then decide on taco bell. I get the chicken chalupa meal, extra large dr. pepper, nachos with an extra tub of cheese sauce, and a caramel apple empanada. I eat in the car. No way am I going to attempt to stuff myself into a booth, because I do not fit. My breasts hang over the table halfway, there's only a small bit of room for my tray. I am stuffed but eagerly looking forward to checking out all the Easter candy at WalMart!)
I head into WalMart, buying my cat supplies, decide not to buy any flowers or candy buckets there because I know I can get that stuff cheaper elsewhere, then head out to Stoplight Market, the local Mennonite flower/baking goods place. I buy several flats of flowers for my hanging baskets, and decide that we're going to put some hydrangea bushes in the front of the house. They're $20 a piece!! So I think I'll buy one a week. Our house is going to look so pretty!
(I head into WalMart, buy all my cat supplies, who cares about flowers, lead me to the Easter Candy!!! I buy several bags, which is par for the course for me. Most will not end up in my kids baskets, but will be hidden in my bedside table, computer desk, under the bed, or in my purse. And woe to anyone who finds them and tries to eat them!!! I also grab a few candy bars at the checkout line, and a bottle of water. I am all red faced and puffy and out of breath. I sit in my car for 10 minutes with the windows down, letting the cool air blow on my face while I eat. I am tired now, so I head home, the Easter candy already opened and being eaten.)
I get home and corral my hubby into carrying the heavy stuff into the house, then I walk to the bank 1/2 block away and make a deposit.
(I get home and corral my hubby into carrying the heavy stuff into the house. While he is doing that I quickly hide all 'my' Easter booty in their clever hiding places. I have to lie down for a bit to recover from all my strenuous activity. I drive to the bank to deposit a check.)
I decide to make chicken strips and fries for the kids tonight since my hubby will be gone, so I've laid out chicken and mull over what recipe I want to use. I make some brownies for the kids. I haven't cooked in so long, I think they're going to be thrilled to come home to fresh brownies after school. I have one taste of batter and one taste of frosting, then leave the pan to cool for the kids. I head into the bedroom to look up recipes and post on my blog.
(I decide on chicken strips and fries for the kids tonight since my hubby will be gone, so I've bought 2 packages of premade chicken strips and they're in the freezer ready to go. My feet hurt and I am so tired. I decide to make some brownies 'for the kids'. I have several tastes of the batter, then lick the bowl clean. I have several taste of the icing, then lick the pan clean. I have a brownie hot and fresh on a plate, all gooey and yummy with a tall glass of cold milk. I have another. Have to keep myself topped off you know.)
I clean up the kitchen, then head outside to plant the flowers I bought. I bought a lovely red geranium, and it will look so pretty on my table! The other flowers go in the hanging baskets that I put on the clothesline my Dad made me with the pretty lattices that we have morning glories growing up on. Spring is here, the windows are open, life is good, and I am happy! Dinner is around 5:30 or 6, and I am going to try to get to bed early, since I've been sick so long, I don't want to push it. I do take a little time to mess around on the computer.
(I make the kids clean up the kitchen, then head to the computer to play online games. I make dinner late, because hubby isn't here, and I'm stuffed anyways with all the chocolate I've been eating. I spend the rest of the evening gaming on the computer, because in the online world I am NOTHING like I am in the real world. I eat steadily all evening.)
I take time to read my Bible and pray before bed, thanking God for all He has done for me, helping me to eat less and be more active, and being glad for the wise choices I made food wise. No exercise today, but as I grow stronger I will be walking and riding my bike daily. I fall asleep, happy, knowing that tomorrow will be another good day, I love myself and my life, and I look forward to weighing. I know the scale will have moved down again.
(I stay up late, eating, because my husband is working after hours tonight and won't be home til about 2 AM. I finally make myself go to bed in a food induced coma, sick to my stomach, hating myself. I hate myself. I hate everybody and I hate everything. I am such a gross disgusting pig. When I was out today, I was the fattest person everywhere I went. People looked at me funny, and I tried to be friendly and nice but they just can't get past the fat. I will never lose weight, ever. I am just going to get fatter and fatter and fatter until I die and there is absolutely nothing I can do about it. I'm going to be just like Gilbert Grape's Mom. I wish I could just die. I fall asleep eventually, waking up several times in the night to glug some Maalox because my indigestion is vicious. I dread tomorrow, knowing it will be the same as today with some variations, except my feet will hurt so bad. I will do nothing all day to 'recover'. The only thing I have to look forward to is more food.)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I actually cried typing this. How different my life is now than it was before! How sad and miserable I was! How I wish I could comfort my old self, tell her that there is hope, things will be different, life will change!
Who are you today? Are you like the old me, or the new me?
There is hope for you, too.
Make wise choices friend.
Sunday, April 17, 2011
'The Better I Get the Grumpier I Am' List of Irritants
1. Laddie has dingleberries AGAIN and stinks to high heaven. I am going to have to corner him and somehow manage to hold him still while I cut them off of his hind end which does not rank very high on my list of favorite things to do
2. if I was dead not one person in this house would change the cat litter; how do I know this? while I was sick not one person changed the cat litter
3. hubby takes offense at every single thing he can possibly think of and I'm tired of walking on eggshells
4. I snapped at every one of my kids for absolutely no reason whatsoever
5. the dogs are always where I am trying to meld their bodies into mine so we can become one
6. nobody fed the dogs while I was sick or gave them water. I guess they've just been sticking their big faces up on the table and eating all the leftover food that nobody cared enough to put away/clean off
7. nobody took the trash out while I was sick
8. you ought to just see the living room
9. my littlest asked me why I don't go to work so I can give her money
10. I can't think of anything else except I am glad everyone is asleep and hubby is in another room. He is also working after hours tomorrow which means he will be home all day. The chip on his shoulder and my attitude will not mix well let me tell you.
I managed to drag myself into the kitchen and make mommy hut pizza for dinner. I was able to eat a piece, and even had a small bowl of chocolate ice cream afterwards. It's the most I've eaten in days!
This Grumpy Weight Loss Hero is going to bed.
2. if I was dead not one person in this house would change the cat litter; how do I know this? while I was sick not one person changed the cat litter
3. hubby takes offense at every single thing he can possibly think of and I'm tired of walking on eggshells
4. I snapped at every one of my kids for absolutely no reason whatsoever
5. the dogs are always where I am trying to meld their bodies into mine so we can become one
6. nobody fed the dogs while I was sick or gave them water. I guess they've just been sticking their big faces up on the table and eating all the leftover food that nobody cared enough to put away/clean off
7. nobody took the trash out while I was sick
8. you ought to just see the living room
9. my littlest asked me why I don't go to work so I can give her money
10. I can't think of anything else except I am glad everyone is asleep and hubby is in another room. He is also working after hours tomorrow which means he will be home all day. The chip on his shoulder and my attitude will not mix well let me tell you.
I managed to drag myself into the kitchen and make mommy hut pizza for dinner. I was able to eat a piece, and even had a small bowl of chocolate ice cream afterwards. It's the most I've eaten in days!
This Grumpy Weight Loss Hero is going to bed.
Saturday, April 16, 2011
I Think I Just Might Live
I can now say that yesterday was officially the sickest day of my entire life. I literally thought I was going to die I felt so bad. I was not able to sleep until last night but then I slept hard til about 6, I have no idea how much, then off and on until 10 AM. I had to get up, my back was hurting so bad, and made some oatmeal which I had been dreaming about incredibly. It did taste good but ate only half of what I prepared. Hasn't come back up! So I'm sitting here weakly typing and thanking God that I feel better.
Everyone is out and about doing their own thing today.
David is working.
Eli is who knows where, but he's 21 so there you are.
Bekah is at college doing who knows what.
Bethany is in New York.
Sam is in Saturday School. Yes, this is a new invention our school has come up with to take care of those 'bad' kids with tardies and late papers. Sam has perpetual Saturday School.
Josiah is playing Maple Story in the office, thrilled that he's the only one home and can do as he pleases without taking turns.
MaryGrace is at a camp with her sunday school class doing a spring fling thing or something.
And me? I live. That is all.
Yesterday I ate a few bites of cereal and a couple sips of juice, then in the afternoon I had a few bites of toast. The day before I ate probably about the same amount of food. Is it pathetic that I am hoping for a huge loss on Tuesday?! Why am I secretly glad that I couldn't eat? Am I going to be like this forever? I just want this struggle with my weight to end end end. I lost focus, life just took over, but now I'm focused again, and determined to not lose focus until I hit goal. I feel pathetic that here I am, desperately ill, and I'm looking at the oatmeal carton to see how many calories a serving is. I wish I didn't have to care! So many people just live and eat and stay the same weight always. Food is just food. Like my husband. He has pretty much stayed the same weight his whole life. He doesn't sneak candy bars in bed, or have a bag of chips by his desk, or secretly stop at McDonald's or Sonic when he's out and about. He eats when he's hungry. And when he's mad or super upset? HE DOESN'T EAT. Men.
It's cold today, and I'm cuddled under a blanket all comfy at the computer. I've been in bed so much my body is screaming.
Make wise choices everyone.
Everyone is out and about doing their own thing today.
David is working.
Eli is who knows where, but he's 21 so there you are.
Bekah is at college doing who knows what.
Bethany is in New York.
Sam is in Saturday School. Yes, this is a new invention our school has come up with to take care of those 'bad' kids with tardies and late papers. Sam has perpetual Saturday School.
Josiah is playing Maple Story in the office, thrilled that he's the only one home and can do as he pleases without taking turns.
MaryGrace is at a camp with her sunday school class doing a spring fling thing or something.
And me? I live. That is all.
Yesterday I ate a few bites of cereal and a couple sips of juice, then in the afternoon I had a few bites of toast. The day before I ate probably about the same amount of food. Is it pathetic that I am hoping for a huge loss on Tuesday?! Why am I secretly glad that I couldn't eat? Am I going to be like this forever? I just want this struggle with my weight to end end end. I lost focus, life just took over, but now I'm focused again, and determined to not lose focus until I hit goal. I feel pathetic that here I am, desperately ill, and I'm looking at the oatmeal carton to see how many calories a serving is. I wish I didn't have to care! So many people just live and eat and stay the same weight always. Food is just food. Like my husband. He has pretty much stayed the same weight his whole life. He doesn't sneak candy bars in bed, or have a bag of chips by his desk, or secretly stop at McDonald's or Sonic when he's out and about. He eats when he's hungry. And when he's mad or super upset? HE DOESN'T EAT. Men.
It's cold today, and I'm cuddled under a blanket all comfy at the computer. I've been in bed so much my body is screaming.
Make wise choices everyone.
Friday, April 15, 2011
It's the Friday Edition with Much Griping and Complaining and Gnashing of Teeth
So the last week I have not slept much at all, the last 2 nights I have slept a whopping total of 4 hours. I am the walking dead today. Horribly congested, stomach hurts, tired, I'm sure I look how I feel.
Got Bethany dropped off at 3AM, she has the stomach flu too, but I had everybody's brother praying for her and she called from Chicago at 8:30 to say she wasn't throwing up anymore just all achy and was hungry! Well yay for that! So her trip is doing much better, she will call when she hits New York. She better take a ton of pictures.
So I haven't eaten much in the last few days, and when we arrived at the meeting house this morning my friend Kim had biscuits and gravy and eggs and juice and I ate an egg and half a biscuit with gravy. I kind of could taste it. But I was hungry so I ate. At 3 in the morning?!
When I'm sick like this I tend to gravitate to
1. easily made things constituting minimal effort on my part
2. stuff that can be grabbed and eaten as is like crackers which are so high in calories it's incredible!
3. chicken noodle soup
4. orange juice
5. chocolate milk which normally tastes good but right now tastes sour
6. stuff that somebody else made
Of course I am heading back to bed in a few minutes and hopefully will sleep all day. But then there is dinner to think about for my family, and I think I will make pancakes and sausage. Or waffles and sausage. Those are mindless foods that take no major thinking and the fam likes breakfast for dinner every once in a bit.
See I wish that preparing food wasn't like the most important part of my life. Being a stay at home Mom/housewife I spend the majority of my time planning, cooking, and cleaning up food. I think about it a lot. What am I having for dinner tonight, tomorrow, do I have enough milk for breakfast, does my husband/son/daughter need anything made for their brown bag lunches, making out menu plans for 1 week/2 weeks if I'm clever. I can just never escape food. It's a good thing that I figured out early on food is not the enemy, I am. Otherwise I would be freaking out all the time.
I am so thankful God made all the varieties of food He did instead of us eating, say, a gray paste every meal. I do love to eat, and this journey I am on has taught me so much. Like eating slowly, savoring each bite, trying to stay away from the mindless eating while watching tv or reading (unless it's popcorn, I try to have enough calories at night so I can eat an entire bag of popcorn without guilt if that's what I want) and I limit my 'liquid calories' such as pop milk and juice. And I've done well; it's the horrid illnesses that are knocking me around! My BFF told me that my immune system appears to be shot. Well hmmm okay so how do I fix that?! I have no idea.
Also I am supposed to go with my BFF and her Sunday School class to a Spring Fling thing at church camp tomorrow and be there ALL DAY. Out in the outside. Where it's all wet and damp and muddy, everywhere you sit will be wet and here I feel so gross. I can't wimp out because she's sick herself but is still going so there you have it.
And hubby is home today. He has this stomach bug now too, but the big difference is he can SLEEP when he is sick, which he did right when he got home through this morning. I HATE THAT. Why can't I sleep it's so not fair.
So walking has been a wash out right now, which is kind of funny seeing as we had much rain last night. I just don't have the energy or the desire to take a walk.
I got this email from a woman who wanted to 'ask me some questions' and 'would I get back to her'. I pulled up her website and it's all these weight loss products for sale! Well I think I know what she wants, maybe? Like I promote her website on mine or something. Forget it sister. I promote NOTHING that people have to buy to lose weight when it's so easy to do it on your own and it's FREE. And here I had typed up a friendly response with a cheery 'sure how can I help'. DELETE.
Make wise choices today.
Got Bethany dropped off at 3AM, she has the stomach flu too, but I had everybody's brother praying for her and she called from Chicago at 8:30 to say she wasn't throwing up anymore just all achy and was hungry! Well yay for that! So her trip is doing much better, she will call when she hits New York. She better take a ton of pictures.
So I haven't eaten much in the last few days, and when we arrived at the meeting house this morning my friend Kim had biscuits and gravy and eggs and juice and I ate an egg and half a biscuit with gravy. I kind of could taste it. But I was hungry so I ate. At 3 in the morning?!
When I'm sick like this I tend to gravitate to
1. easily made things constituting minimal effort on my part
2. stuff that can be grabbed and eaten as is like crackers which are so high in calories it's incredible!
3. chicken noodle soup
4. orange juice
5. chocolate milk which normally tastes good but right now tastes sour
6. stuff that somebody else made
Of course I am heading back to bed in a few minutes and hopefully will sleep all day. But then there is dinner to think about for my family, and I think I will make pancakes and sausage. Or waffles and sausage. Those are mindless foods that take no major thinking and the fam likes breakfast for dinner every once in a bit.
See I wish that preparing food wasn't like the most important part of my life. Being a stay at home Mom/housewife I spend the majority of my time planning, cooking, and cleaning up food. I think about it a lot. What am I having for dinner tonight, tomorrow, do I have enough milk for breakfast, does my husband/son/daughter need anything made for their brown bag lunches, making out menu plans for 1 week/2 weeks if I'm clever. I can just never escape food. It's a good thing that I figured out early on food is not the enemy, I am. Otherwise I would be freaking out all the time.
I am so thankful God made all the varieties of food He did instead of us eating, say, a gray paste every meal. I do love to eat, and this journey I am on has taught me so much. Like eating slowly, savoring each bite, trying to stay away from the mindless eating while watching tv or reading (unless it's popcorn, I try to have enough calories at night so I can eat an entire bag of popcorn without guilt if that's what I want) and I limit my 'liquid calories' such as pop milk and juice. And I've done well; it's the horrid illnesses that are knocking me around! My BFF told me that my immune system appears to be shot. Well hmmm okay so how do I fix that?! I have no idea.
Also I am supposed to go with my BFF and her Sunday School class to a Spring Fling thing at church camp tomorrow and be there ALL DAY. Out in the outside. Where it's all wet and damp and muddy, everywhere you sit will be wet and here I feel so gross. I can't wimp out because she's sick herself but is still going so there you have it.
And hubby is home today. He has this stomach bug now too, but the big difference is he can SLEEP when he is sick, which he did right when he got home through this morning. I HATE THAT. Why can't I sleep it's so not fair.
So walking has been a wash out right now, which is kind of funny seeing as we had much rain last night. I just don't have the energy or the desire to take a walk.
I got this email from a woman who wanted to 'ask me some questions' and 'would I get back to her'. I pulled up her website and it's all these weight loss products for sale! Well I think I know what she wants, maybe? Like I promote her website on mine or something. Forget it sister. I promote NOTHING that people have to buy to lose weight when it's so easy to do it on your own and it's FREE. And here I had typed up a friendly response with a cheery 'sure how can I help'. DELETE.
Make wise choices today.
Thursday, April 14, 2011
The Year of Being Sick and More of my Blatherings
So far this year I have been sick 4 times. The present one combines sinusitis and bronchitis with a stomach bug, which yes, entails throwing up, diarrhea, and a head filled with snot. No brain, only snot. Sometimes it's solidified into concrete, and others it's all liquidy. I'm grossing myself out totally here. Not sure why I have struggled this year with being sick. Each time it has been several weeks to get better. This stomach bug has just flown through the family like wildfire. At present the people afflicted are me; Eli; Mary; Josiah; and Bethany, the newest victim, who leaves for New York at 3AM in the morning tomorrow to sing with a group from her school. She's sleeping on my bed, all packed and ready, waking up to puke then back to sleep. HOW CAN THIS HAPPEN I MEAN REALLY. Poor poor thing. It will only last 24-36 hours but still. The ride to the airport; the waiting there; the plane ride; the switching planes; the train and subway and walking a block with all her luggage, all the while struggling with the physical trials of the illness. And of course there's no way she will consider staying home and missing this trip that she has planned for and worked for the whole school year.
So when I went to the doctor 2 weeks ago for the latest of my sicknesses I was deathly ill, and didn't freak out (at the time) that I weighed 309 pounds. But 2 days later when I was feeling a little better that number just danced around my vision- 309 309 309 309 - Being sick so much I have not been exercising or watching what I eat, I just didn't care you know? Well I do now. I weighed 2 days ago and I have lost 7 pounds, down to 302. Last night when I was up puking I couldn't sleep ( why is that I want to know that I can't sleep when I'm desperately sick) I reread The Amazing Adventures of Dietgirl. What an inspiration Shauna is to me! How it helped me to refocus! Because pretty much I have LOST focus, being sick so very much. I mean seriously, I didn't care. My doctor wanted me to drink chocolate milk, and I did. I tried to just eat healthy and not worry about calories. Well of course, my faithless body doesn't maintain the weight, it betrayingly ADDS MORE WEIGHT. So irritating.
I always thought there would come a time when I would be DONE. I would just live my life, eating like a normal person without worry, being active as a matter of course, and not regaining my weight. And here, in the last few months, I have gained back half what I lost.
Well I am simply horrified to say the least. Because every time I have lost in the past I have gained it all back PLUS MORE. So am I willing to accept weighing 375-400 pounds? Because that is what will happen. No no no no no.
Since walking is out for the moment portion control is so in. I have rid my home of all my temptation foods and have run out of the kitchen more times than I can count. And thankfully it all paid off with a nice loss.
And really, why did I think my battle would end? I will eat for the rest of my life. I can't stop or I will die. It might take me 2 years to starve to death but in the end you can't live without food. It's me me that ruins everything! I am so greedy, wanting and 'helpless' against that desire to eat. Or so it seems. Always the enemy is me. Myself. I am secretly enjoying being horribly nauseous and vomiting, hoping it will make me lose weight. Food makes me sick right now. I wish it did all the time!
So back I go to the beginning, remembering how important it is to never give up, to start right where you are, and keep going. And my big key is blogging. When I started slacking in this area, the accountability went to nil. The encouragement dropped to nil, because you all know my husband says nada to me. I am on my own folks. I NEED YOU ALL. Even though I desperately hate this post, the coming clean, the truthfulness, the honesty I am giving you. I have always hated those 'I lost weight but now I'm regaining blah blah' posts. I always saw those as screaming YOU ARE SUCH A FREAKING FAILURE. Not for me! Oh no I was never going to fail and if I did you all would be the last to hear about it!
So here I am. I have absolutely nobody I can talk to about losing weight. Everybody I know is either
1. Already wonderfully thin
2. Horribly fat and don't care
3. Horribly fat and can't do anything about it
Nobody I know is trying to lose weight. And even though my circumstances are a bit out of my control with all the illness I have had, still. Still. No more. No more weight gain. No more feeling helpless and desperate and sad. I REFUSE TO GO BACK TO WHAT I WAS BEFORE. Man I hated myself.
I even turned comments back on. That's how bold I am! Comment away if anyone still even reads this.
Yes, I am going to keep eating my cocoa puffs. And my chocolate milk will be measured into 1 cup and counted.
On a side note, our cat Amelia Bedelia went missing last week and I seriously thought she was dead and then. After one of my daughter's puking sessions she was lying on my bed looking out the window and saw Amelia in the window of the empty house across the street. Yes, somehow Amelia had gotten into that house and was trapped this whole time. We got her out and yay she is home! Oh and I have a new kitten to take the place of Ninja Cobra. She is pure black, and her name is Princess Penelope. I will never ever let her outside.
Oh and I had hoped to get below 200 by my birthday October 24 but not sure if that will happen now that I weigh THREE HUNDRED STUPID POUNDS.
I am not going to give up. I will never give up, never surrender.
Make wise choices my friend. I am.
So when I went to the doctor 2 weeks ago for the latest of my sicknesses I was deathly ill, and didn't freak out (at the time) that I weighed 309 pounds. But 2 days later when I was feeling a little better that number just danced around my vision- 309 309 309 309 - Being sick so much I have not been exercising or watching what I eat, I just didn't care you know? Well I do now. I weighed 2 days ago and I have lost 7 pounds, down to 302. Last night when I was up puking I couldn't sleep ( why is that I want to know that I can't sleep when I'm desperately sick) I reread The Amazing Adventures of Dietgirl. What an inspiration Shauna is to me! How it helped me to refocus! Because pretty much I have LOST focus, being sick so very much. I mean seriously, I didn't care. My doctor wanted me to drink chocolate milk, and I did. I tried to just eat healthy and not worry about calories. Well of course, my faithless body doesn't maintain the weight, it betrayingly ADDS MORE WEIGHT. So irritating.
I always thought there would come a time when I would be DONE. I would just live my life, eating like a normal person without worry, being active as a matter of course, and not regaining my weight. And here, in the last few months, I have gained back half what I lost.
Well I am simply horrified to say the least. Because every time I have lost in the past I have gained it all back PLUS MORE. So am I willing to accept weighing 375-400 pounds? Because that is what will happen. No no no no no.
Since walking is out for the moment portion control is so in. I have rid my home of all my temptation foods and have run out of the kitchen more times than I can count. And thankfully it all paid off with a nice loss.
And really, why did I think my battle would end? I will eat for the rest of my life. I can't stop or I will die. It might take me 2 years to starve to death but in the end you can't live without food. It's me me that ruins everything! I am so greedy, wanting and 'helpless' against that desire to eat. Or so it seems. Always the enemy is me. Myself. I am secretly enjoying being horribly nauseous and vomiting, hoping it will make me lose weight. Food makes me sick right now. I wish it did all the time!
So back I go to the beginning, remembering how important it is to never give up, to start right where you are, and keep going. And my big key is blogging. When I started slacking in this area, the accountability went to nil. The encouragement dropped to nil, because you all know my husband says nada to me. I am on my own folks. I NEED YOU ALL. Even though I desperately hate this post, the coming clean, the truthfulness, the honesty I am giving you. I have always hated those 'I lost weight but now I'm regaining blah blah' posts. I always saw those as screaming YOU ARE SUCH A FREAKING FAILURE. Not for me! Oh no I was never going to fail and if I did you all would be the last to hear about it!
So here I am. I have absolutely nobody I can talk to about losing weight. Everybody I know is either
1. Already wonderfully thin
2. Horribly fat and don't care
3. Horribly fat and can't do anything about it
Nobody I know is trying to lose weight. And even though my circumstances are a bit out of my control with all the illness I have had, still. Still. No more. No more weight gain. No more feeling helpless and desperate and sad. I REFUSE TO GO BACK TO WHAT I WAS BEFORE. Man I hated myself.
I even turned comments back on. That's how bold I am! Comment away if anyone still even reads this.
Yes, I am going to keep eating my cocoa puffs. And my chocolate milk will be measured into 1 cup and counted.
On a side note, our cat Amelia Bedelia went missing last week and I seriously thought she was dead and then. After one of my daughter's puking sessions she was lying on my bed looking out the window and saw Amelia in the window of the empty house across the street. Yes, somehow Amelia had gotten into that house and was trapped this whole time. We got her out and yay she is home! Oh and I have a new kitten to take the place of Ninja Cobra. She is pure black, and her name is Princess Penelope. I will never ever let her outside.
Oh and I had hoped to get below 200 by my birthday October 24 but not sure if that will happen now that I weigh THREE HUNDRED STUPID POUNDS.
I am not going to give up. I will never give up, never surrender.
Make wise choices my friend. I am.
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