It's a Good Friday

So Mary was home from school yesterday with a bad earache. The clinic in town was able to smoosh her into their schedule and the doctor said she had an infection in her ear CANAL. NOT behind the eardrum. Which is weird. MG said she felt she had a lot of wax in her ear, and dr said she couldn't see the eardrum at all, that it looked like she had a fungus growing in her ear. Okay that officially creeps me out. Started her on antibiotics and tomorrow we head back to have her ears cleaned out. Just the thought of a fungus growing in your ear is so weird and gross. Poor Mary. And of course she wakes up in the night and comes to sleep with me, wanting drops put in her ear to help with the pain. And then I slept fitfully the rest of the night. 11 year olds are just so BIG and LONG sleeping in between me and hubby!
So everyone is home today and then Monday. Hubby is home too, he finished his after hour project for this week and announces that after Monday he has no more work. I officially hate him being self employed. This has been my life for 25 years. We have no work--we fall desperately behind on bills. He gets work--we actually get caught up and things look bright and then-! No work again! It's this vicious cycle. People who don't actually live this way say that if you keep to a budget the money will always be there but I can never do that because I'm always digging my way out of a hole. If we didn't have food stamps I honestly don't know how we would make it.
So this weekend kind of starts the end of the year hullabaloo around here. First we have Easter. Daughter Bekah comes home from college to visit us and is bringing the first round of her stuff home. She has 2 weeks of school left, and I wonder how her grades are. She has been on academic probation this semester. Which is kind of like double secret probation.
Next weekend is Bethany's prom. So weird to think she is old enough to go to PROM! She has her dress already, a dark green SHORT one because she wants to be different than everyone else. I have a friend who will be fixing her hair and makeup and I am going to post pics because she is so wonderful and sweet.
The next weekend is Bethany and Bekah's training weekend down at Wonderland Camp where they will be working again this summer. Bekah is going to be a cabin leader which she is so thrilled about! They both have lofty plans about actually SAVING their money this summer and doing something wonderful with it like buying a car but I'm not holding my breath. After that weekend Bekah will be home for 2 weeks before camp starts. She normally brings home lots and lots of drama with her. Believe you me, she can cram a lot of that in a short amount of time. I just hope she won't alienate her brothers and sisters this time.
Then we have HS graduation that Bethany will be playing her instrument in (pomp and circumstance you know) and the basic winding down of school. Can you believe this year is almost half over?!
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Okay now it's time to talk about food and losing weight, which is the true purpose of this blog. If anyone actually read this far without their eyes glazing over I will be surprised.
Last night I made tacos, a hands down family favorite. I had one taco and half a burrito. I officially record the taco as 150 calories, the 1/2 burrito as 150, but I had several little 'grabs' of grated cheese as I was preparing everything. I have absolutely no idea why I did that! It just tasted so good what can I say. After dinner I had 200 calories of chocolate which tasted so very good. It comforts me to know how many calories I eat, which is why I dislike the out of control grabbing of the cheese. It's not WHAT I eat anymore it's how much and in what manner I ate it. I hate being out of control. I like to plan my food ahead of time, sometimes I plan the whole day out. It's not the food itself that is the problem it's ME ME ME. IT'S ALWAYS ME. I will be zipping along doing FANTABULOUS and then this crazy part of me takes over.
You know, there was a time when last night would have been the end. Of everything. I would have said something like this to myself:
Laura, you are a pig. A disgusting fat pig. Why can't you control yourself! What is wrong with you? 
And then I would have gone ahead and eaten like a pig because I'm a total failure, I will never do this, how could I ever think I could do this, I am such a loser.
The funny thing is I would NEVER EVER talk like that to someone else!!! And yet I think it is perfectly okay to talk like that to myself!
Thankfully, I don't do that anymore. Thankfully I just move on. Thankfully I know that I am not perfect, that there are times when I am going to grab little fingers of grated cheese and I am going to estimate the calories as best I can and MOVE ON.
As I lay in bed this morning I was wishing. I wished
1. that I was thin and done with this all
2. that my marriage was different
3. that food didn't have calories
4. that I had a maid
5. that I liked, no LOVED, vegetables
6. that chocolate didn't have a special place in my heart
7. that I wasn't turning 50 this year
8. that I had a life outside of this home
There is a weird saying that is just so hard to get: If wishes were horses we all would ride. So then I got up to face my day, with all the laundry and cleaning and cooking and battling of SELF that I have to deal with. I really have so much to be thankful for.
1. I am relatively healthy, with all my faculties intact
2. My family is healthy
3. I have a home and a warm soft bed
4. I have a dishwasher
5. and all of my appliances work
6. I have a wonderful church 1 minute away
7. I have a BFF who lives 3 doors down
8. my husband works hard, doesn't screw around, or drink, or abuse me or the children, and he brings his paycheck home every week
9. I am thinner than I ever thought possible, wearing pants with a zipper! 
10. I have a Savior who thought of me, above all, when he lived and died and rose again. I think Easter is my favorite time of year.
So snagging extra cheese is really a stupid thing to get upset about, isn't it.
Sometimes I reread the post I just wrote and I honestly can't believe anyone wants to read this stuff. My life is just so B-O-R-I-N-G. Well I'm off to crush my children's souls and make them clean their rooms. I hope you all have a Good Friday today!