Thursday, April 14, 2011

The Year of Being Sick and More of my Blatherings

So far this year I have been sick 4 times. The present one combines sinusitis and bronchitis with a stomach bug, which yes, entails throwing up, diarrhea, and a head filled with snot. No brain, only snot. Sometimes it's solidified into concrete, and others it's all liquidy. I'm grossing myself out totally here. Not sure why I have struggled this year with being sick. Each time it has been several weeks to get better. This stomach bug has just flown through the family like wildfire. At present the people afflicted are me; Eli; Mary; Josiah; and Bethany, the newest victim, who leaves for New York at 3AM in the morning tomorrow to sing with a group from her school. She's sleeping on my bed, all packed and ready, waking up to puke then back to sleep. HOW CAN THIS HAPPEN I MEAN REALLY. Poor poor thing. It will only last 24-36 hours but still. The ride to the airport; the waiting there; the plane ride; the switching planes; the train and subway and walking a block with all her luggage, all the while struggling with the physical trials of the illness. And of course there's no way she will consider staying home and missing this trip that she has planned for and worked for the whole school year.
So when I went to the doctor 2 weeks ago for the latest of my sicknesses I was deathly ill, and didn't freak out (at the time) that I weighed 309 pounds. But 2 days later when I was feeling a little better that number just danced around my vision- 309 309 309 309 - Being sick so much I have not been exercising or watching what I eat, I just didn't care you know? Well I do now. I weighed 2 days ago and I have lost 7 pounds, down to 302. Last night when I was up puking I couldn't sleep ( why is that I want to know that I can't sleep when I'm desperately sick) I reread The Amazing Adventures of Dietgirl. What an inspiration Shauna is to me! How it helped me to refocus! Because pretty much I have LOST focus, being sick so very much. I mean seriously, I didn't care. My doctor wanted me to drink chocolate milk, and I did. I tried to just eat healthy and not worry about calories. Well of course, my faithless body doesn't maintain the weight, it betrayingly ADDS MORE WEIGHT. So irritating.
I always thought there would come a time when I would be DONE. I would just live my life, eating like a normal person without worry, being active as a matter of course, and not regaining my weight. And here, in the last few months, I have gained back half what I lost.
Well I am simply horrified to say the least. Because every time I have lost in the past I have gained it all back PLUS MORE. So am I willing to accept weighing 375-400 pounds? Because that is what will happen. No no no no no.
Since walking is out for the moment portion control is so in. I have rid my home of all my temptation foods and have run out of the kitchen more times than I can count. And thankfully it all paid off with a nice loss.
 And really, why did I think my battle would end? I will eat for the rest of my life. I can't stop or I will die. It might take me 2 years to starve to death but in the end you can't live without food. It's me me that ruins everything! I am so greedy, wanting and 'helpless' against that desire to eat. Or so it seems. Always the enemy is me. Myself. I am secretly enjoying being horribly nauseous and vomiting, hoping it will make me lose weight. Food makes me sick right now. I wish it did all the time!
So back I go to the beginning, remembering how important it is to never give up, to start right where you are, and keep going. And my big key is blogging. When I started slacking in this area, the accountability went to nil. The encouragement dropped to nil, because you all know my husband says nada to me. I am on my own folks. I NEED YOU ALL. Even though I desperately hate this post, the coming clean, the truthfulness, the honesty I am giving you. I have always hated those 'I lost weight but now I'm regaining blah blah' posts. I always saw those as screaming YOU ARE SUCH A FREAKING FAILURE. Not for me! Oh no I was never going to fail and if I did you all would be the last to hear about it!
So here I am. I have absolutely nobody I can talk to about losing weight. Everybody I know is either
1. Already wonderfully thin
2. Horribly fat and don't care
3. Horribly fat and can't do anything about it
Nobody I know is trying to lose weight. And even though my circumstances are a bit out of my control with all the illness I have had, still. Still. No more. No more weight gain. No more feeling helpless and desperate and sad. I REFUSE TO GO BACK TO WHAT I WAS BEFORE. Man I hated myself.
I even turned comments back on. That's how bold I am! Comment away if anyone still even reads this.
Yes, I am going to keep eating my cocoa puffs. And my chocolate milk will be measured into 1 cup and counted.
On a side note, our cat Amelia Bedelia went missing last week and I seriously thought she was dead and then. After one of my daughter's puking sessions she was lying on my bed looking out the window and saw Amelia in the window of the empty house across the street. Yes, somehow Amelia had gotten into that house and was trapped this whole time. We got her out and yay she is home! Oh and I have a new kitten to take the place of Ninja Cobra. She is pure black, and her name is Princess Penelope. I will never ever let her outside.
Oh and I had hoped to get below 200 by my birthday October 24 but not sure if that will happen now that I weigh THREE HUNDRED STUPID POUNDS.
I am not going to give up. I will never give up, never surrender.
Make wise choices my friend. I am.

1 comment:

  1. Welcome back, sweets..glad you are posting, and are not going to GIVE UP!

    Now I must read your other posts, gotta catch up on you. Can't believe 4 days went by and I didn't realize you posted.

    Go Laura/Zaa! Hope you feel better soon.