Monday, April 18, 2011

Yesterday Framed in Today

 ****A Look at my day, with a bit of nostalgic retrospective tossed in**************

I get up, mess around on the computer, then have a serving of cereal and 1/2 c of orange juice.

(I get up, mess around on the computer, then have a breakfast of 2 fried eggs, 5 pieces of bacon, 2 pieces of toast, and a 36 oz. glass of orange juice.)

I take a shower, casually washing every part of my body, joyfully washing my hair, planning what I will wear, and looking forward to running errands.

(I take a shower, only because it's been a week since I've bathed and all the creases and folds of my body are quite smelly. It's hard to reach my rear, or even turn around or make the slightest movements in the shower. When did it get so small?! I run over the few items of clothing I can wear, wondering if I can find something clean in a basket or if a favorite shirt doesn't smell/look too bad. Of course, I will wear either my black pants with the elastic waist or my jean capris with the elastic waist. All stretched and thin and ready to bust at the seams, of course. I look forward to hitting taco bell.)

I get dressed, blow dry my hair, put on makeup, put on jewelry, then grab my list and I am out the door!

(I struggle into my clothes, dreading looking in the mirror, most days avoiding that because I'm hideous, I'm a cow, and I hate how I look but there's nothing I can do about it. I put my hair into a pony tail still wet, grab my list, and I am out the door!)

I decide to hit taco bell for lunch. I haven't been there in ages and I am literally starving. I have a chicken baja chalupa, nachos, and water. I eat in the restaurant. I'm full!

(I mull over all the fast food restaurants, then decide on taco bell. I get the chicken chalupa meal, extra large dr. pepper, nachos with an extra tub of cheese sauce, and a caramel apple empanada. I eat in the car. No way am I going to attempt to stuff myself into a booth, because I do not fit. My breasts hang over the table halfway, there's only a small bit of room for my tray. I am stuffed but eagerly looking forward to checking out all the Easter candy at WalMart!)

I head into WalMart, buying my cat supplies, decide not to buy any flowers or candy buckets there because I know I can get that stuff cheaper elsewhere, then head out to Stoplight Market, the local Mennonite flower/baking goods place. I buy several flats of flowers for my hanging baskets, and decide that we're going to put some hydrangea bushes in the front of the house. They're $20 a piece!! So I think I'll buy one a week. Our house is going to look so pretty!

(I head into WalMart, buy all my cat supplies, who cares about flowers, lead me to the Easter Candy!!! I buy several bags, which is par for the course for me. Most will not end up in my kids baskets, but will be hidden in my bedside table, computer desk, under the bed, or in my purse. And woe to anyone who finds them and tries to eat them!!! I also grab a few candy bars at the checkout line, and a bottle of water. I am all red faced and puffy and out of breath. I sit in my car for 10 minutes with the windows down, letting the cool air blow on my face while I eat. I am tired now, so I head home, the Easter candy already opened and being eaten.)

I get home and corral my hubby into carrying the heavy stuff into the house, then I walk to the bank 1/2 block away and make a deposit.

(I get home and corral my hubby into carrying the heavy stuff into the house. While he is doing that I quickly hide all 'my' Easter booty in their clever hiding places. I have to lie down for a bit to recover from all my strenuous activity. I drive to the bank to deposit a check.)

I decide to make chicken strips and fries for the kids tonight since my hubby will be gone, so I've laid out chicken and mull over what recipe I want to use. I make some brownies for the kids. I haven't cooked in so long, I think they're going to be thrilled to come home to fresh brownies after school. I have one taste of batter and one taste of frosting, then leave the pan to cool for the kids. I head into the bedroom to look up recipes and post on my blog.

(I decide on chicken strips and fries for the kids tonight since my hubby will be gone, so I've bought 2 packages of premade chicken strips and they're in the freezer ready to go. My feet hurt and I am so tired. I decide to make some brownies 'for the kids'. I have several tastes of the batter, then lick the bowl clean. I have several taste of the icing, then lick the pan clean. I have a brownie hot and fresh on a plate, all gooey and yummy with a tall glass of cold milk. I have another. Have to keep myself topped off you know.)

I clean up the kitchen, then head outside to plant the flowers I bought. I bought a lovely red geranium, and it will look so pretty on my table! The other flowers go in the hanging baskets that I put on the clothesline my Dad made me with the pretty lattices that we have morning glories growing up on. Spring is here, the windows are open, life is good, and I am happy! Dinner is around 5:30 or 6, and I am going to try to get to bed early, since I've been sick so long, I don't want to push it. I do take a little time to mess around on the computer.

(I make the kids clean up the kitchen, then head to the computer to play online games. I make dinner late, because hubby isn't here, and I'm stuffed anyways with all the chocolate I've been eating. I spend the rest of the evening gaming on the computer, because in the online world I am NOTHING like I am in the real world. I eat steadily all evening.)

I take time to read my Bible and pray before bed, thanking God for all He has done for me, helping me to eat less and be more active, and being glad for the wise choices I made food wise. No exercise today, but as I grow stronger I will be walking and riding my bike daily. I fall asleep, happy, knowing that tomorrow will be another good day, I love myself and my life, and I look forward to weighing. I know the scale will have moved down again.

(I stay up late, eating, because my husband is working after hours tonight and won't be home til about 2 AM. I finally make myself go to bed in a food induced coma, sick to my stomach, hating myself. I hate myself. I hate everybody and I hate everything. I am such a gross disgusting pig. When I was out today, I was the fattest person everywhere I went. People looked at me funny, and I tried to be friendly and nice but they just can't get past the fat. I will never lose weight, ever. I am just going to get fatter and fatter and fatter until I die and there is absolutely nothing I can do about it. I'm going to be just like Gilbert Grape's Mom. I wish I could just die. I fall asleep eventually, waking up several times in the night to glug some Maalox because my indigestion is vicious. I dread tomorrow, knowing it will be the same as today with some variations, except my feet will hurt so bad. I will do nothing all day to 'recover'. The only thing I have to look forward to is more food.)
I actually cried typing this. How different my life is now than it was before! How sad and miserable I was! How I wish I could comfort my old self, tell her that there is hope, things will be different, life will change!
Who are you today? Are you like the old me, or the new me?
There is hope for you, too.
Make wise choices friend.


  1. I don't comment much but this is an amazing post. Thanks for writing it.

  2. Fabulous! Great way to highlight what a difference choosing change can make. I'm so glad you're blogging again.