Day 323--I am sick, Was it worth it, and a poem. Yes, we're fancy shmancy today

So right now I have the worst head cold in history. My head feels as if all the insides have solidified into concrete. I am completely congested and can't blow my nose AT ALL. I have become a horrid mouth breather and my lips are chapped and the insides of my mouth are dry as a bone all the time. UGHHHHHHHHHH. My standard sick menu consists of:

• juice. orange, grape cranberry, apple cranberry
• ritz crackers. for the salt. they just taste so good
  
• chicken noodle soup OR tomato soup

And now I want to eat crackers all day because I can taste them. The juice leaves a sticky film in my always open mouth and is 100 calories a cup! I can't taste the soup at all. I feel most miserable. I move between the bathroom, the bed, the computer chair, and short jaunts into the kitchen to get water or crackers. I was starving last night so I sloooowly got up and into the kitchen and weighed a bowl of honeycombs because that just sounded so good but I forgot how quickly they get soggy. I can only eat very slowly since I can't breathe while I'm chewing! Sigh.

What do I mean, Was it worth it? I asked myself this today. Eating all that food for all those years to end up looking like this. Was it worth all the trips to fast food restaurants, the constant overeating? No No a thousand times No!!! Let's just admit the truth: It's very easy to just let yourself go and eat like there's no tomorrow. I just didn't care anymore about myself. I thought I was trapped as a fat woman forever, so why not just enjoy the ride? The problem became quite clear--I wasn't enjoying the eating anymore. I didn't eat when I was hungry. I ate when I WANTED to. Many times as I ate I just hated myself because I could. not. stop. Look! There's a McDonald's! I'll stop and get a shake and some fries. While I'm at WalMart I'll buy two donuts and a bottle of water to eat when I get out to the car--chocolate frosted donuts. I'm going to get a few of these king size whatchamacallits (seriously my favorite candybar) to eat at home. They're my favorite! And they're on sale. I am making cookies today so I'm going to take numerous tastes of the batter, have a cookie from the first batch when it's nice and hot and gooey, then I'll eat 5 more with a large glass of milk in a little bit when I'm hungry again. And grab a cookie or two everytime I walk through the kitchen. And have more cookies and milk before bed. And that went on and on and on for 20 years!!! I started out slowly. I weighed 140 when I got married. I weighed 150 when I got pregnant with Ben. After I had him I weighed 160. Then I got pregnant again and my weight ended up at 175. Then I got pregnant again and hit 200 and haven't looked back since. I have not been under 200 pounds in 20 years. When I hit under that number it will be unbelievably incredible.
All that food. I always had seconds, or even thirds if I could get away with it. Eating with other people was difficult because I had to limit myself or they would think I was a greedy pig. I always made sure that I had something to eat. I would bake, buy what I wanted at the grocery store, and even had stashes of secret things like:

• sour gummy worms
• peanut butter M&M's
• Symphony chocolate and toffee bars
• Pringles
• candy that related to the season that could be found in abundance: Peanut butter eggs, heart shaped dove candies, red green and silver wrapped kisses
• hostess cupcakes

I gradually over the years came to accept this way of living as the normal for me. Even the mere THOUGHT of eating less made me panic. So I began to equate losing weight with deprivation. Because you have to eat less to lose weight. That's just the way it is. And since I thought I had no self control I pretty much gave up. Yes, for the last 5 years or so I didn't even think about losing weight anymore. It was a pretty sad life. Why look at calories? It'll just make me feel more guilty about something I can't do anything about. Every time I ate was another opportunity to completely stuff myself like I'm starving to death. I started eating alone a lot because I didn't want to eat in front of people anymore. I never went in to the fast food restaurants, just hit the drive thru and parked. I usually brought a magazine or book and had what I thought was a well deserved break from home. I began to feel that God made me this way. I was meant to be fat. Only problem was I was so unhappy! I didn't want to be fat! I just couldn't accept it! And yet I felt powerless to do anything about it. Every diet I started was so different from how I eat, there was NO WAY I could stick to it. It's like being told that starting right now I have to eat everything I do not like and nothing I do like. It is just not going to work. How much easier it has been the way I've been losing weight--Sean's Way!!!! I call it that because I patterned myself after him. I hope you don't mind Sean. Finding your blog was the best thing that could have possibly happened. (here is his link go back and read from day 1: http://losingweighteveryday.blogspot.com/ )
Everything is just so different now. I tell myself no so much. I'm just not going to have anymore juice, or a can of pop, or store bought cookies, or whatever. And I know that I will be eating again in a few hours and I just don't get that panicky feeling anymore.
What bliss! What freedom! I am finally achieving my soul's dream of being thin!
I am feeling most grody so I believe I will leave you all with this:

When I'm an old lady and live with my kids

When I'm an old lady, I'll live with each kid,
And bring so much happiness... just as they did.
I want to pay back all the joy they've provided,
Returning each deed. Oh, they'll be so excited!
(When I'm an old lady and live with my kids)

I'll write on the wall with reds, whites and blues,
And bounce on the furniture wearing my shoes.
I'll drink from the carton and then leave it out.
I'll stuff all the toilets and oh, how they'll shout!
(When I'm an old lady and live with my kids)

When they're on the phone and just out of reach,
I'll get into things like sugar and bleach,
Oh, they'll snap their fingers and then shake their head,
And when that is done I'll hide under the bed!
(When I'm an old lady and live with my kids)

When they cook dinner and call me to eat,
I'll not eat my green beans or salad or meat.
I'll gag on my okra, spill milk on the table,
And when they get angry I'll run... if I'm able!
(When I'm an old lady and live with my kids)

I'll sit close to the TV, through the channels I'll click,
I'll cross both my eyes just to see if they stick.
I'll take off my socks and throw one away,
And play in the mud 'til the end of the day!
(When I'm an old lady and live with my kids)

And later in bed, I'll lay back and sigh,
I'll thank God in prayer and then close my eyes.
My kids will look down with a smile slowly creeping,
And say with a groan. "She's so sweet . when she's sleeping!"
(When I'm an old lady and live with my kids)

~ Joanne Bailey Baxter, Lorain, OH ~

Big germ free hugs to you all!!!