Everyone has had a head cold and of course, I got it. Everyone is at a revival meeting and I am home alone. There is nothing worse than being home alone when you're sick. My husband kindly made pancakes for dinner and then they all rushed off. I actually slept for three hours today! That never happens. Why is it when I'm sick I crave salty foods? Horrible headache, sinus pain in my face and general ickiness and grodiness. And I not only want something salty, I want something chocolatey to go with it. Sigh. Chicken noodle soup just does not taste good. I ate a pancake.
We had a blizzard on Saturday. I know! First day of spring. Everybody on facebook was just hating on the snow and complaining and I thought it was kind of neat. There was no ice! There is always ice around here. The wind was blowing hard and the snow was pert near blown sideways. And it was a wet snow. We got about a foot and it's already almost melted. But they did not have school today because the country roads are drifted in!
I found myself thinking today of how different being sick is now than before. Before I started losing weight. I would only be able to eat what people brought to me or I could scrounge myself. So I never got to eat what I wanted, when I wanted it, and however much I wanted. I would pat myself on the back for not eating very much. It was probably the most difficult part about being sick, the eating was poor. Surely I will lose weight! But life goes on and as soon as I could feed myself I was back to normal. Almost a year later it's different. I don't eat near as much as I did back then. I am satisfied with one serving and not desperately wishing for more.
How glad I am that I started losing weight last year. How horrible to die and not attain any of my life's goals! I read about a blogger who died of a heart attack last Friday and man it freaked me out. Because I have put off all of MY life's goals to some vague future day. And I could die suddenly too! I better get off my duff and start doing the things I've always wanted to. Like clean out all of our closets. And the shed. And match all the socks. I hate matching socks.
Well I did do something today, I changed the sheets on my bed. And when I plugged my hubby's side of the electric blanket back in the lights started blinking on the control and I do not even want to mess with it. I have no idea what is wrong. I hope it's fixable. Being sick on dirty sheets would be so awful.
Now that I've bagged up most of my fat clothes my closet is skimpy. I hauled out an old grey sweatshirt to put on today. I didn't want to wear one of my nice new shirts! I knew I would be in and out of bed all day. But I am not complaining no siree. How my heart is filled with joy when I walk by the just my size shirts and know I don't have to wear them! And the shirts are hideous this spring! The patterns and colors so ick! And I waltz right past and head for the 'normal' part of the store and quite happily browse. I always come home with something. For years and years and YEARS I rarely bought clothes for myself. Especially the last several when even the largest size at Walmart was too small. I would buy the biggest size jeans (with an elastic waist) and I would MAKE it fit. Yes, I forced my marshmallowy body into those jeans so painfully but they were made of a stretchy jean material and it worked. Then I wouldn't wash them until I HAD to because washing made them too little again. I always had to stretch out my shirts around the hem so they wouldn't cling to me. And the shirts had to be long enough to cover my droopy tummy. I never tried anything on. It was too depressing and discouraging trying new clothes on. I still looked very fat and I knew it! I would smile hopelessly at myself in the mirror and go ahead and buy the least hideously colored/patterned shirt and tell myself to be glad I got something new! No more no more no more for me! There is nothing on this earth that tastes so wonderful and delicious that I would give up my life now for it. I never want to go back to that life. Ever. Ever ever ever. If I died today I could die happily because I am actually doing it, IT, what I have dreamed of for years--losing weight! Well I would feel a little guilty for not cleaning out the closets.
Everything is different. Taking a shower, sitting on a toilet, walking, going upstairs, buckling a seat belt, getting down and up from the floor, how I feel about myself, what my hands look like on the keyboard--so slender!--and my wrists! can these really be mine? And my calves and ankles and feet! I have monkey toes and they were really fat too but now they're not! They're normal looking!
As most of you know who are following me, I won $100 last week from Jack. And I got it in the mail, crisp and new with a quite lengthy and articulate note that said: Z--get you some wheels! Best, Jack. Well I am now on the hunt for the perfect bike. I want it to be pretty and perfect. I promise pics when I get it! I am so excited!
********More new cool things that are happening to me********
* The seats in the auditorium at the school where the girls had band contest was the same place we went to last year. They were so small and cut into my thighs so painfully. Then. This time I had room between me and the arm rests. Incredible! I love the things I discover that are unexpected.
* I put on a stocking cap Saturday because of the blizzard and I didn't look weird like I used to. My face used to be so round and puffy and it is thinning down so much. I swear I am looking in the mirror constantly anymore.
* My husband can almost pick me up. Almost.
* I rode a bus on Thursday with the girls to go to band contest and I could walk down the aisle without turning to the side! I used to have an entire seat to myself but this time? I shared with Bekah Boo Baby. I shared a bus seat and she didn't hang out over the edge! Yes I am normal indeed.
* I was flipping through some pics on Facebook and WHAM there it was. The worst picture, I believe, of me, at my largest. Taken two Christmases ago. And here it is, one of my rare photos:
There I am, in the middle. Like Jabba the Hut. Man it just does not look like me anymore! This is my family--in the back is Eli, Rachel, Marshmallow, my husband David, Ben, his wife Danielle. Front row is Sandy the dog, Bekah, Sam, Bethany and Josiah and right smack in front is MaryGrace. Only one missing is Laddie and of course my dear departed Ninja Cobra. I really need to stick a pic on here that shows you what I look like now. I think I will have my daughter take some pictures of me. Next post I'll do a comparison thing. I feel very brave posting that pic.
- I feel so little when I drive my suburban. My stomach used to rub the steering wheel. I have all this room now my hands and arms look so different steering. My seat belt actually lays across my chest like it's supposed to, not in front of my neck like it used to be. And once it's buckled and I'm in it stays there, I don't have to constantly adjust it!
- The red cushiony rocking chair I sit in at my computer used to be too small. But now I fit in it just fine. I NEVER sat in it when it was in the living room. Not only was it too small it was too low and I couldn't get up! I was an expert on quickly finding the places to NOT sit in when I came into a room and if there wasn't anywhere else I would stand. And I always had a very good reason for standing instead of sitting. How freeing that my life isn't like that anymore! When I was at my Dad's I sat on one of his wicker ottoman's when I was going through my mother's books! I can honestly say I have NEVER sat on it before. And I could get up and down off it no problem!
- After church on Sunday we had a potluck dinner and I enjoyed giving myself little portions of the foods that were so different and interesting. And I got a small piece of my cake and ate only half. I make the best chocolate cake in the entire world. Potlucks used to be kind of a mixed joy for me. It meant I didn't have to make a meal for my family but then there was the stress of wondering if there would be anything that I liked to eat on the tables. I always brought two or three dishes to the potluck because I have a large family and then I knew I had something great to eat. And how embarrassing to go back for seconds! Especially on the desserts. So I didn't. But my soul gazed longingly at the layered chocolate toffee brownie pudding thing I brought and inwardly cringed as scoop after scoop was eaten and I was left with an empty dish. I had to be so strong so I wouldn't fall on the food like a crazed beast. I didn't want everyone to think I was a big fat pig so I was very careful what I would put on my plate. All the while I was eating my meal yesterday I was thinking about this very thing. I'm so glad I'm different.
- I have so much confidence. I was always ashamed of myself before, of how I looked. And now I am not. I can meet people's eyes and not see that look. You know. The one that says 'Man she is SO fat.' Because I was fat. I was morbidly obese. I weighed 356 pounds. And who knows how much I actually weighed because I weighed 10 days into my journey, I could have weighed much more when I started! I also do not have to try so hard. You know. Where you have to get people to look beyond the fat to the exciting charming fascinating funny person underneath? I was actually quite good at that. And how cool is it that I now have the same personality but I look nice, I look good, I look normal! I have always enjoyed meeting people, talking in grocery lines, just talking to people in general. I just cannot explain how wonderful it is for me now.
Wow why are my posts always so long!
Do you want to lose weight? Do you hate how you look, what you wear, how you feel? There is no secret to weight loss. Just eat everything you normally do--but just less. Take a walk everyday. I counted my calories quite carefully when I started because I needed to relearn how much a portion is. Eat when you're hungry. That means about 5-6 times a day. Weigh your food, measure everything that can be measured. Write down the calories and portion them out so you have enough for the entire day. Read labels. I personally stay away from fat free and sugar free things. I would rather have a little of the good stuff than a lot of gross stuff. You will be surprised at how little you need to eat at a meal. I used to stuff myself like there's no tomorrow at every eating opportunity. Now I don't. I know I'll be eating again in just a little bit! When I started I did not eat out, I did not bake, I had no chips in the house, I kept away from everything that I felt out of control around. I slowly learned how to say no and now I bake and eat out like I used to--except I eat much much less. I bought a calorie book from walmart and kept it in my purse. I went to sparkpeople.com
I think I've been up long enough. I'm headed back to bed. I have a doctor's appt tomorrow at 11.
Big hugs to you all. Thanks for the nice emails and kind comments I have been getting. And how fun to find that a friend of mine has visited and read the whole thing from start to finish! Thank you R, you made my day!