So this morning after I got dressed and preened in front of the mirror, I walked up to Main Street to weigh at the clinic. I have lost 3 more pounds for a total of 51 pounds lost! I weigh 305 and I am so blown away by it all. (besides preening, I also took the time to put on mascara and earrings. That is a big deal because I never used to care about what I looked like. I was a huge whale, slapping some makeup and jewelry on me didn't make one bit of difference. I am so glad I don't feel that way anymore)
I've been thinking lately about the threat of gaining all the weight back, the horror we all hope will never darken our doors. It is a real threat. It happens a whole lot from what I read. How does one go from caring to not caring? I try not to be impatient about my weight loss going slower than I would like. I have been talking to myself a lot (not in a weird way) and not being down on myself and not being angry with myself but really emphasizing the positives.
- This strength I have? the strength that I thought I didn't have? I had it all along
- I have made it through the depression. Interesting thing about the anti-depressants: I always thought they would make me tralala happy and drugged and what a shock to find out they don't work that way. I am pleased to find that they're like putting on a pair of glasses--I see everything clearly. I don't know how else to describe it.
- This consistency I have? the consistency that I thought I didn't have? I had it all along. Not giving up was the only thing I needed to do and poof I'm consistent. Weird.
- I am funny, smart, witty, charming, and--dare I say it--cute. (okay okay let me have this moment)
- I have lived with criticism for so long it has gotten under my skin. So now when the critical voices in my head go off I shut them up. Really they are quite annoying.
- When things would go bad between my hubby and me I would quickly go down the spiral slide into the depths of despair. Now I stop myself at the top and I don't go down there. I really love this the most I think.
- I have raised 8 kids, homeschooled for 10 years, homebirthed 5 of them with a midwife, had 2 in diapers several times, nursed 2 at a time for many years (seriously when they're as close together as mine were I didn't care if my baby nursed while I was pregnant. and it really helped when my milk came in for the new baby!). My babies were always clean, in clean clothes, well fed, happy. We went to church no matter what. I taught them all to walk, talk, feed themselves, to be polite, kind, fun, (you have to take the party with you, then you don't wait to be entertained). I pretty much rule as a Mom.
- I have put up with more crud in a marriage in one lifetime than you'd ever think possible. And I'm still here. I am making it out to the other side. Someday I will have the courage to do something about it.
And folks always say 'who is Zaa?'. Hard leading a double life folks. Hard.
So the kids are home today. I'm cooking 2 pots of chicken breasts with onion and celery so I can shred them for future meals and all the kids are saying 'what smells!' Har. I tell them what I'm doing then they say 'We're not having that for dinner are we?!' Yes kids, I am going to make something vile and disgusting and you have to eat it all. Because thats my job.
***********A long time ago in a country far away*********
The Captain of the Queen's Forces walked quickly into the throne room, ignoring all, intent on one thing. Every soldier snapped to attention and saluted as he zoomed by. Making his way to the throne, he kneeled and waited to be recognized by his Queen.
Queen Fatocatra: (lolling listlessly in her throne, sighing and looking broodily out over the room) What is it Captain.
Captain Valiant: My Queen, we are making excellent progress in our plans, why have you not sent us our orders?!
Queen Fat: Oh, I don't know. I'm just getting tired of this stupid war. I can't do as I please!
Captain Valiant: We must keep pressing forward or we will lose all the ground we have gained!
Queen Fatocat: (rolling her eyes) Oh come now, it's not that bad is it? If we ease up a little then I can go riding in the forest instead of trapped inside this horrid castle!
Captain Valiant: My Queen I must speak to you privately. Send everyone away.
Queen: Leave me, all of you.
When the room settled into quiet, the Captain turned his gaze upon the Queen. She had her chin in her hand, and played with the end of one of her tassles, sighing deeply.
Captain: My Lady, we must have our orders! The men are growing restless and there is talk of desertion! Have you changed your mind about the conquest of the people of Gargantuana?
Fatocatra: (shrugged) I grow bored and weary of it all. This day in and day out tedium is maddening! Everyday the same old thing. I want things to be the way they used to be! I loved my life then!
Valiant: My Queen you hated your self and everything around you! When you discovered spies from the city of Hugeness you immediately ordered a counter attack and we are winning! We are winning!
Fatocatra: (pouting petulantly) Oh I don't know, it wasn't that bad was it? It's just so hard! The people are complaining, I am tired, and I also received an urgent communication from my brother telling me that it is all pointless! (she slumped dramatically on her throne)
Captain Valiant: Here, My Lady, let me remind you of two of our greatest heroes. Do you remember High Warlord Sean?
Fat: Sean? What kind of a name is that?
Valiant: He struggled against great odds, fighting every foe that crossed his path that would keep him from his victory, and never gave up. Never. His slender statue in the courtyard is a constant reminder to us all that we should press on.
Fatocatra: It seems I do remember this story now.
Valiant: And what about Emperess Diane, who not only won her battle but has successfully fought off all invasion attempts for many years! The Fountain Diane, set in a peaceful glade within the city walls, brings peace and joy to all and encourages us daily with its bubbling waters. These two have gone down in history because of their mighty deeds. And there are many more who have come before! Queen Fatocatra, you must not yield to your inner doubts! We can defeat our mortal enemy--together!
Fatocatra: (Standing tall and proud) Captain, your words have woken me from my apathetic apatheticness. We shall boldly go on, beating down every foe, until the land of Gargantuana is defeated! And Captain, I am giving you a raise.
Valiant: It's all I ever wanted.
This is what happens when I walk alone. You must all suffer! I made this story up this week.
And freak out of freak outs--I have 55 followers. Suckers!
Have a good day everyone, and never give up. Ever.