So the last week I have not slept much at all, the last 2 nights I have slept a whopping total of 4 hours. I am the walking dead today. Horribly congested, stomach hurts, tired, I'm sure I look how I feel.
Got Bethany dropped off at 3AM, she has the stomach flu too, but I had everybody's brother praying for her and she called from Chicago at 8:30 to say she wasn't throwing up anymore just all achy and was hungry! Well yay for that! So her trip is doing much better, she will call when she hits New York. She better take a ton of pictures.
So I haven't eaten much in the last few days, and when we arrived at the meeting house this morning my friend Kim had biscuits and gravy and eggs and juice and I ate an egg and half a biscuit with gravy. I kind of could taste it. But I was hungry so I ate. At 3 in the morning?!
When I'm sick like this I tend to gravitate to
1. easily made things constituting minimal effort on my part
2. stuff that can be grabbed and eaten as is like crackers which are so high in calories it's incredible!
3. chicken noodle soup
4. orange juice
5. chocolate milk which normally tastes good but right now tastes sour
6. stuff that somebody else made
Of course I am heading back to bed in a few minutes and hopefully will sleep all day. But then there is dinner to think about for my family, and I think I will make pancakes and sausage. Or waffles and sausage. Those are mindless foods that take no major thinking and the fam likes breakfast for dinner every once in a bit.
See I wish that preparing food wasn't like the most important part of my life. Being a stay at home Mom/housewife I spend the majority of my time planning, cooking, and cleaning up food. I think about it a lot. What am I having for dinner tonight, tomorrow, do I have enough milk for breakfast, does my husband/son/daughter need anything made for their brown bag lunches, making out menu plans for 1 week/2 weeks if I'm clever. I can just never escape food. It's a good thing that I figured out early on food is not the enemy, I am. Otherwise I would be freaking out all the time.
I am so thankful God made all the varieties of food He did instead of us eating, say, a gray paste every meal. I do love to eat, and this journey I am on has taught me so much. Like eating slowly, savoring each bite, trying to stay away from the mindless eating while watching tv or reading (unless it's popcorn, I try to have enough calories at night so I can eat an entire bag of popcorn without guilt if that's what I want) and I limit my 'liquid calories' such as pop milk and juice. And I've done well; it's the horrid illnesses that are knocking me around! My BFF told me that my immune system appears to be shot. Well hmmm okay so how do I fix that?! I have no idea.
Also I am supposed to go with my BFF and her Sunday School class to a Spring Fling thing at church camp tomorrow and be there ALL DAY. Out in the outside. Where it's all wet and damp and muddy, everywhere you sit will be wet and here I feel so gross. I can't wimp out because she's sick herself but is still going so there you have it.
And hubby is home today. He has this stomach bug now too, but the big difference is he can SLEEP when he is sick, which he did right when he got home through this morning. I HATE THAT. Why can't I sleep it's so not fair.
So walking has been a wash out right now, which is kind of funny seeing as we had much rain last night. I just don't have the energy or the desire to take a walk.
I got this email from a woman who wanted to 'ask me some questions' and 'would I get back to her'. I pulled up her website and it's all these weight loss products for sale! Well I think I know what she wants, maybe? Like I promote her website on mine or something. Forget it sister. I promote NOTHING that people have to buy to lose weight when it's so easy to do it on your own and it's FREE. And here I had typed up a friendly response with a cheery 'sure how can I help'. DELETE.
Make wise choices today.
Friday, April 15, 2011
Thursday, April 14, 2011
The Year of Being Sick and More of my Blatherings
So far this year I have been sick 4 times. The present one combines sinusitis and bronchitis with a stomach bug, which yes, entails throwing up, diarrhea, and a head filled with snot. No brain, only snot. Sometimes it's solidified into concrete, and others it's all liquidy. I'm grossing myself out totally here. Not sure why I have struggled this year with being sick. Each time it has been several weeks to get better. This stomach bug has just flown through the family like wildfire. At present the people afflicted are me; Eli; Mary; Josiah; and Bethany, the newest victim, who leaves for New York at 3AM in the morning tomorrow to sing with a group from her school. She's sleeping on my bed, all packed and ready, waking up to puke then back to sleep. HOW CAN THIS HAPPEN I MEAN REALLY. Poor poor thing. It will only last 24-36 hours but still. The ride to the airport; the waiting there; the plane ride; the switching planes; the train and subway and walking a block with all her luggage, all the while struggling with the physical trials of the illness. And of course there's no way she will consider staying home and missing this trip that she has planned for and worked for the whole school year.
So when I went to the doctor 2 weeks ago for the latest of my sicknesses I was deathly ill, and didn't freak out (at the time) that I weighed 309 pounds. But 2 days later when I was feeling a little better that number just danced around my vision- 309 309 309 309 - Being sick so much I have not been exercising or watching what I eat, I just didn't care you know? Well I do now. I weighed 2 days ago and I have lost 7 pounds, down to 302. Last night when I was up puking I couldn't sleep ( why is that I want to know that I can't sleep when I'm desperately sick) I reread The Amazing Adventures of Dietgirl. What an inspiration Shauna is to me! How it helped me to refocus! Because pretty much I have LOST focus, being sick so very much. I mean seriously, I didn't care. My doctor wanted me to drink chocolate milk, and I did. I tried to just eat healthy and not worry about calories. Well of course, my faithless body doesn't maintain the weight, it betrayingly ADDS MORE WEIGHT. So irritating.
I always thought there would come a time when I would be DONE. I would just live my life, eating like a normal person without worry, being active as a matter of course, and not regaining my weight. And here, in the last few months, I have gained back half what I lost.
Well I am simply horrified to say the least. Because every time I have lost in the past I have gained it all back PLUS MORE. So am I willing to accept weighing 375-400 pounds? Because that is what will happen. No no no no no.
Since walking is out for the moment portion control is so in. I have rid my home of all my temptation foods and have run out of the kitchen more times than I can count. And thankfully it all paid off with a nice loss.
And really, why did I think my battle would end? I will eat for the rest of my life. I can't stop or I will die. It might take me 2 years to starve to death but in the end you can't live without food. It's me me that ruins everything! I am so greedy, wanting and 'helpless' against that desire to eat. Or so it seems. Always the enemy is me. Myself. I am secretly enjoying being horribly nauseous and vomiting, hoping it will make me lose weight. Food makes me sick right now. I wish it did all the time!
So back I go to the beginning, remembering how important it is to never give up, to start right where you are, and keep going. And my big key is blogging. When I started slacking in this area, the accountability went to nil. The encouragement dropped to nil, because you all know my husband says nada to me. I am on my own folks. I NEED YOU ALL. Even though I desperately hate this post, the coming clean, the truthfulness, the honesty I am giving you. I have always hated those 'I lost weight but now I'm regaining blah blah' posts. I always saw those as screaming YOU ARE SUCH A FREAKING FAILURE. Not for me! Oh no I was never going to fail and if I did you all would be the last to hear about it!
So here I am. I have absolutely nobody I can talk to about losing weight. Everybody I know is either
1. Already wonderfully thin
2. Horribly fat and don't care
3. Horribly fat and can't do anything about it
Nobody I know is trying to lose weight. And even though my circumstances are a bit out of my control with all the illness I have had, still. Still. No more. No more weight gain. No more feeling helpless and desperate and sad. I REFUSE TO GO BACK TO WHAT I WAS BEFORE. Man I hated myself.
I even turned comments back on. That's how bold I am! Comment away if anyone still even reads this.
Yes, I am going to keep eating my cocoa puffs. And my chocolate milk will be measured into 1 cup and counted.
On a side note, our cat Amelia Bedelia went missing last week and I seriously thought she was dead and then. After one of my daughter's puking sessions she was lying on my bed looking out the window and saw Amelia in the window of the empty house across the street. Yes, somehow Amelia had gotten into that house and was trapped this whole time. We got her out and yay she is home! Oh and I have a new kitten to take the place of Ninja Cobra. She is pure black, and her name is Princess Penelope. I will never ever let her outside.
Oh and I had hoped to get below 200 by my birthday October 24 but not sure if that will happen now that I weigh THREE HUNDRED STUPID POUNDS.
I am not going to give up. I will never give up, never surrender.
Make wise choices my friend. I am.
So when I went to the doctor 2 weeks ago for the latest of my sicknesses I was deathly ill, and didn't freak out (at the time) that I weighed 309 pounds. But 2 days later when I was feeling a little better that number just danced around my vision- 309 309 309 309 - Being sick so much I have not been exercising or watching what I eat, I just didn't care you know? Well I do now. I weighed 2 days ago and I have lost 7 pounds, down to 302. Last night when I was up puking I couldn't sleep ( why is that I want to know that I can't sleep when I'm desperately sick) I reread The Amazing Adventures of Dietgirl. What an inspiration Shauna is to me! How it helped me to refocus! Because pretty much I have LOST focus, being sick so very much. I mean seriously, I didn't care. My doctor wanted me to drink chocolate milk, and I did. I tried to just eat healthy and not worry about calories. Well of course, my faithless body doesn't maintain the weight, it betrayingly ADDS MORE WEIGHT. So irritating.
I always thought there would come a time when I would be DONE. I would just live my life, eating like a normal person without worry, being active as a matter of course, and not regaining my weight. And here, in the last few months, I have gained back half what I lost.
Well I am simply horrified to say the least. Because every time I have lost in the past I have gained it all back PLUS MORE. So am I willing to accept weighing 375-400 pounds? Because that is what will happen. No no no no no.
Since walking is out for the moment portion control is so in. I have rid my home of all my temptation foods and have run out of the kitchen more times than I can count. And thankfully it all paid off with a nice loss.
And really, why did I think my battle would end? I will eat for the rest of my life. I can't stop or I will die. It might take me 2 years to starve to death but in the end you can't live without food. It's me me that ruins everything! I am so greedy, wanting and 'helpless' against that desire to eat. Or so it seems. Always the enemy is me. Myself. I am secretly enjoying being horribly nauseous and vomiting, hoping it will make me lose weight. Food makes me sick right now. I wish it did all the time!
So back I go to the beginning, remembering how important it is to never give up, to start right where you are, and keep going. And my big key is blogging. When I started slacking in this area, the accountability went to nil. The encouragement dropped to nil, because you all know my husband says nada to me. I am on my own folks. I NEED YOU ALL. Even though I desperately hate this post, the coming clean, the truthfulness, the honesty I am giving you. I have always hated those 'I lost weight but now I'm regaining blah blah' posts. I always saw those as screaming YOU ARE SUCH A FREAKING FAILURE. Not for me! Oh no I was never going to fail and if I did you all would be the last to hear about it!
So here I am. I have absolutely nobody I can talk to about losing weight. Everybody I know is either
1. Already wonderfully thin
2. Horribly fat and don't care
3. Horribly fat and can't do anything about it
Nobody I know is trying to lose weight. And even though my circumstances are a bit out of my control with all the illness I have had, still. Still. No more. No more weight gain. No more feeling helpless and desperate and sad. I REFUSE TO GO BACK TO WHAT I WAS BEFORE. Man I hated myself.
I even turned comments back on. That's how bold I am! Comment away if anyone still even reads this.
Yes, I am going to keep eating my cocoa puffs. And my chocolate milk will be measured into 1 cup and counted.
On a side note, our cat Amelia Bedelia went missing last week and I seriously thought she was dead and then. After one of my daughter's puking sessions she was lying on my bed looking out the window and saw Amelia in the window of the empty house across the street. Yes, somehow Amelia had gotten into that house and was trapped this whole time. We got her out and yay she is home! Oh and I have a new kitten to take the place of Ninja Cobra. She is pure black, and her name is Princess Penelope. I will never ever let her outside.
Oh and I had hoped to get below 200 by my birthday October 24 but not sure if that will happen now that I weigh THREE HUNDRED STUPID POUNDS.
I am not going to give up. I will never give up, never surrender.
Make wise choices my friend. I am.
Saturday, December 4, 2010
Calm before the storm
In the past week I have hosted: a Thanksgiving dinner, a birthday celebration, a taco feast, and a sleepover for 11 year old girls. I tell you I am so tired of cooking! It was fun while I was doing it but now? Ugh. And Christmas is 3 weeks from today. How does this sneak up on me! I am always surprised to find how close it is. Thankfully my kids are all older and able to find stuff they want online and link it to me on Facebook. Makes things a whole lot easier. Now if they could only like CHEAP stuff!
Been having headaches every morning. Someone said sounded like sinus stuff but I'm always freaked out and thinking it's my blood pressure and I'm going to have a stroke or something. It's been a bit since I've had that checked. I think I'll pop into the clinic and have them check me out.
Getting ready for my son and his wife for a 2 week visit over Christmas! We're all counting the days, and can't wait to see each other! I'm so glad everyone likes being here. Even my daughter Rachel who moved out to her own place is planning on spending the night Christmas Eve so we can all be together Christmas morning. And with our tradition of passing out all presents then opening them one by one by age it takes a nice long time. It was always fun when I had a baby cause I got to open their presents for them! NO BABIES ANYMORE yay!
Sometimes I get a little pensive at holiday time. It is so different now. No little ones, who can't sleep because they're so excited for presents. I love my kids so much, and as they get older their personalities have developed in such fun ways--it's never boring in my home! So I'm glad about that, and the closeness we share. I won't have an empty nest for many years, but I'm kind of having some kind of syndrome.
We have many fun holiday things coming up in the days ahead. An ornament exchange party, a white elephant party, caroling, Christmas party for the youth group which I have 3 kids in, Christmas cantata which I have a solo in (! and I'm new at this church!) and the Wednesday night prayer meeting before Christmas is all music, so me Bethany and MaryGrace are coming up with stuff, like duets and solos and all. Fun fun fun.
Sometime in all that mess I will be making my standard Christmas cookies and candies. Everyone's favorite? Chocolate covered peanut butter balls. My grandmother made them when I was little and then my mother and now me. I have to make them SECRETLY and then hide them in the freezer in a package labeled LIVER or CHICKEN. That way nobody will sneak and eat them. I also make peanut blossoms, white choc covered pretzels, and if I'm bold I make peanut brittle which I have such a hard time with (one year it was green! I've never figured out why that happened but when I called my Mother she laughed so hard--miss you Mom) toffee which I have a hard time with and sugar cookies, the rolled and cut out with cookie cutter kind that you can decorate. It's hard for me with all the sweets around. I will have much self control to exert so I eat only ONE. And not ONE several times a day!
And is it cold or what! Haven't been walking very far because of that. Is there ever going to be the perfect weather for walking? Where I don't sweat from the heat and I'm not freezing to death?
I asked for a kitten for Christmas. I wonder if I'll get it? And all the Mrs. Pollifax books.
Have a great day folks.
Been having headaches every morning. Someone said sounded like sinus stuff but I'm always freaked out and thinking it's my blood pressure and I'm going to have a stroke or something. It's been a bit since I've had that checked. I think I'll pop into the clinic and have them check me out.
Getting ready for my son and his wife for a 2 week visit over Christmas! We're all counting the days, and can't wait to see each other! I'm so glad everyone likes being here. Even my daughter Rachel who moved out to her own place is planning on spending the night Christmas Eve so we can all be together Christmas morning. And with our tradition of passing out all presents then opening them one by one by age it takes a nice long time. It was always fun when I had a baby cause I got to open their presents for them! NO BABIES ANYMORE yay!
Sometimes I get a little pensive at holiday time. It is so different now. No little ones, who can't sleep because they're so excited for presents. I love my kids so much, and as they get older their personalities have developed in such fun ways--it's never boring in my home! So I'm glad about that, and the closeness we share. I won't have an empty nest for many years, but I'm kind of having some kind of syndrome.
We have many fun holiday things coming up in the days ahead. An ornament exchange party, a white elephant party, caroling, Christmas party for the youth group which I have 3 kids in, Christmas cantata which I have a solo in (! and I'm new at this church!) and the Wednesday night prayer meeting before Christmas is all music, so me Bethany and MaryGrace are coming up with stuff, like duets and solos and all. Fun fun fun.
Sometime in all that mess I will be making my standard Christmas cookies and candies. Everyone's favorite? Chocolate covered peanut butter balls. My grandmother made them when I was little and then my mother and now me. I have to make them SECRETLY and then hide them in the freezer in a package labeled LIVER or CHICKEN. That way nobody will sneak and eat them. I also make peanut blossoms, white choc covered pretzels, and if I'm bold I make peanut brittle which I have such a hard time with (one year it was green! I've never figured out why that happened but when I called my Mother she laughed so hard--miss you Mom) toffee which I have a hard time with and sugar cookies, the rolled and cut out with cookie cutter kind that you can decorate. It's hard for me with all the sweets around. I will have much self control to exert so I eat only ONE. And not ONE several times a day!
And is it cold or what! Haven't been walking very far because of that. Is there ever going to be the perfect weather for walking? Where I don't sweat from the heat and I'm not freezing to death?
I asked for a kitten for Christmas. I wonder if I'll get it? And all the Mrs. Pollifax books.
Have a great day folks.
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
And so it begins
I was just thinking when I typed the title for this that I don't know what day I am on of my weight loss journey! So sometime soon I will sit and figure that out. It's been 18 months I know that.
When I run during my walk, I don't have a set time. I just start running and I run until I just can't anymore. Today I could only run once, but during one of my songs I was listening to the beat really picked up and I walked along with it. It was super fast! I count that as kind of running. A car drove past me as I was running and at first I freaked out because I do NOT want anyone looking out their car window at the pathetic failure fatty doing a shuffling jog on the side of the road and then I thought WHO CARES ANYWAY!!! If they are mean horrid people there is nothing I can do about it. I refuse to stay fat just because I don't want people to see me being fat and doing stuff to lose the weight! I just cannot control what people think or say. And shame on them.
And so the holidays begin in earnest. The cooking and cleaning start today, with much grumbling and griping by my kids (Why does it have to be HEEEEEERE). I have already gone over my menu and figured out what I can make today and what has to be done tomorrow. Like devilled eggs. I cannot do them today. For some reason they get all watery and gross so I have to boil, peel, and prepare them tomorrow. Which is totally worth it, k? I am not freaked out about eating tomorrow. I shall be using the proven patented pending method that Sean uses: Just add 1000 calories to the day. That way I still have a limit, I'm not throwing everything out the window.
*****Menu for tomorrow***********
Turkey
mashed potatoes and gravy
homemade rolls
cheesy corn bake
green beans
devilled eggs
homemade rolls
oriental salad
relish tray with olives, gherkins, and cubed cheese
pretzel salad
pumpkin pie with cool whip
pecan pie
something chocolate, I haven't decided what yet. Thought about making something called Chocolate Demise but I'm afraid it'll be so good that I won't eat anything but that for the rest of my life.
Also having stuff for people to graze on later, with turkey sandwiches, of course!:
snappy oyster crackers
veggie tray with ranch dip
chips and dip
************End of menu****************
So tonight I'm making hamburgers and fries, a nice, easy meal that won't be difficult, after all the cooking today. Now I wish I had decided to make frozen pizza! That sounds a lot easier doesn't it! We'll have 14 people here. And I also need to iron tablecloths and napkins, make place cards, count out the silverware, pick out and fill salt and pepper shakers, find the candles I bought, and just generally do everything else. No, I'm not doing everything while my kids are lying around like slugs. Yes, they will be completely upset when I have them help. Yes, they will gripe and say 'I should have stayed upstairs' or 'I shouldn't have come into the kitchen' like I only make them help because they remind me of their presence. Kids. Sheesh.
I had my walk in between rain showers, and ate breakfast. I still need to shower and all and its already 10:30! There are not enough hours in the day.
Thanks for all the encouraging emails I got last night and this morning. Yes, I'm totally reconsidering the whole turn off comment decision.
Before I go: What do vegetarian zombies eat? GRAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNSSSSSSS.
I so love that! My daughter is an aspiring vegetarian and I was so excited to have a joke just for her!!!!
Thanks for reading. Have a good day, and make wise choices!!!!!!!
When I run during my walk, I don't have a set time. I just start running and I run until I just can't anymore. Today I could only run once, but during one of my songs I was listening to the beat really picked up and I walked along with it. It was super fast! I count that as kind of running. A car drove past me as I was running and at first I freaked out because I do NOT want anyone looking out their car window at the pathetic failure fatty doing a shuffling jog on the side of the road and then I thought WHO CARES ANYWAY!!! If they are mean horrid people there is nothing I can do about it. I refuse to stay fat just because I don't want people to see me being fat and doing stuff to lose the weight! I just cannot control what people think or say. And shame on them.
And so the holidays begin in earnest. The cooking and cleaning start today, with much grumbling and griping by my kids (Why does it have to be HEEEEEERE). I have already gone over my menu and figured out what I can make today and what has to be done tomorrow. Like devilled eggs. I cannot do them today. For some reason they get all watery and gross so I have to boil, peel, and prepare them tomorrow. Which is totally worth it, k? I am not freaked out about eating tomorrow. I shall be using the proven patented pending method that Sean uses: Just add 1000 calories to the day. That way I still have a limit, I'm not throwing everything out the window.
*****Menu for tomorrow***********
Turkey
mashed potatoes and gravy
homemade rolls
cheesy corn bake
green beans
devilled eggs
homemade rolls
oriental salad
relish tray with olives, gherkins, and cubed cheese
pretzel salad
pumpkin pie with cool whip
pecan pie
something chocolate, I haven't decided what yet. Thought about making something called Chocolate Demise but I'm afraid it'll be so good that I won't eat anything but that for the rest of my life.
Also having stuff for people to graze on later, with turkey sandwiches, of course!:
snappy oyster crackers
veggie tray with ranch dip
chips and dip
************End of menu****************
So tonight I'm making hamburgers and fries, a nice, easy meal that won't be difficult, after all the cooking today. Now I wish I had decided to make frozen pizza! That sounds a lot easier doesn't it! We'll have 14 people here. And I also need to iron tablecloths and napkins, make place cards, count out the silverware, pick out and fill salt and pepper shakers, find the candles I bought, and just generally do everything else. No, I'm not doing everything while my kids are lying around like slugs. Yes, they will be completely upset when I have them help. Yes, they will gripe and say 'I should have stayed upstairs' or 'I shouldn't have come into the kitchen' like I only make them help because they remind me of their presence. Kids. Sheesh.
I had my walk in between rain showers, and ate breakfast. I still need to shower and all and its already 10:30! There are not enough hours in the day.
Thanks for all the encouraging emails I got last night and this morning. Yes, I'm totally reconsidering the whole turn off comment decision.
Before I go: What do vegetarian zombies eat? GRAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNSSSSSSS.
I so love that! My daughter is an aspiring vegetarian and I was so excited to have a joke just for her!!!!
Thanks for reading. Have a good day, and make wise choices!!!!!!!
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
It Ain't Over Til It's Over and a tiny list
You go your merry way, thinking you look one way, and then you see a picture taken of yourself and your body wasn't at the right angle, no hands on the hips, nothing. And you freak. Because once again, the image you carry around in your brain is not true. I thought I was past all that but no, still, I think I look thinner than I really am. I mean, it's nice and all that I don't see myself as a huge fatty, but it's quite detrimental to me. I let myself slide. I start having root beer every day for lunch, instead of it being a once in a while treat. I bake more, and taste more, and let myself have more every day, and the little bit I allow myself becomes a lot. A whole lot.
Getting myself back into the swing of things. The daily walking, with spurts of running as I can fit in/be on deserted parts of roads so noone can see me stuff. The measuring instead of eyeing. The saying no and running away. The remembering to take my anti depressants. Wait what? How did that get in there? Oh I forgot to mention that over the summer I thought I was 'better' and 'didn't need anti depressants anymore' and 'didn't ask my doctor because I'll be allright without them now' and 'basically was an idiot'. How many times have I read about people who went off their medication without their doctor's approval and horrible things happened? Like a zillion? And yet I think I'm the one exception to the rule. So I am back on the horse, after falling off. (Not a real horse)
Because, to be frank here, (and you can be Shirley), I am not done. My turkey tester has not popped up. There is more weight to be lost, food to say no to, food to say YES to, walks to be taken, stairs to be raced up but not down because I'm still afraid I'm gonna trip and fall and kill myself.
I found myself staying away from my blog for a very weird reason: MY SECRET WAS OUT. Yes. The dreaded 'everyone knows I'm losing weight and the pressure begins' thing. The lady at the grocery store who EVERYTIME she saw me asked me how much weight I had lost since the last time she saw me. In front of strangers in line. Who then looked at me like 'Good heavens she's huge now what did she look like before!' The family members who would hug me and whisper discreetly 'You look GREAT or FABULOUS or WONDERFUL' and you know it's because you looked like a WHALE and they can't BELIEVE the DIFFERENCE. The people I know in real life who are actually reading my blog and so therefore know all the disgusting horrible existence that was my life as a really fat woman. I mean, I was freaking out because there was no WAY I was going to tell my sister in law that I had trouble wiping in a regular stall which was why I always used the wheelchair stall and I'm so thrilled I don't have to do that anymore. You just can't fit that into a regular conversation can you? So all these real people who really know me know the real life I had before and it just became too much. It's one thing to be Zaababy, the cool hip fun girl who was losing weight and another to be Laura, who eats all the wrong foods and doesn't like vegetables and you saw her eating a candy bar and said 'should you be eating that'. And of course I only had myself to blame. I didn't have to tell anyone. But see there's this little thing about me that you might not know. I HAVE A BIG MOUTH. Yes. Don't tell me anything secret because I am so excited to be honored with the secret that I have to tell SOMEONE so they'll know someone else liked me enough to tell me something secret. That made a lot more sense in my head before I typed it, but you get the idea.
So there I was, basically abandoning the one thing that has helped me more than anything: accountability. You just don't realize how important that is until you don't have it anymore. Like indoor toilets. You go about your day, using that indoor toilet and flushing merrily away, not even thinking that people 100 years ago had to get COMPLETELY DRESSED to walk outside to use the bathroom, and if they needed to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night they would go in a CHAMBER POT THEY KEPT UNDER THEIR BED. You see how horribly inconvenient and smelly this is? Guess who gets to empty the pot? I'm pretty sure it's not the husband. And can you imagine squating over that thing? I'm sure I would miss it completely. And fall over to boot.
I'm disabling comments for the time being. That way I'm not crushed if nobody leaves me a comment. If you desperately need to tell me something you can email me at zaababy@sbcglobal.net. Thanks to all of you who have kept in contact with me over the summer, I really appreciate your kindness. I AM NOT DEAD.
*********Tiny List********
I went on a hayride for the first time in I don't remember when. I was able to climb into AND out of the wagon without injuring myself, the wagon didn't tip or lean heavily on the side I was on, and I had an absolute blast riding around my little town singing at the top of my lungs.
My grocery store doesn't sell moon pies anymore. My life is officially over.
I sang a solo at church and that was the thinnest I have ever been when I did that. Which btw we are going to a new church that I totally love.
*********end of tiny list**********
So let me tell you about me a few weeks ago. I have gained 20 pounds (horror filled gasps fill the air), I completely stopped walking, I was sinking back into depression BIG TIME, and was feeling helpless and discouraged. 'Cue Wellbutrin ad' I was super embarrassed about many things: not keeping up with my journal, people who would tell me how glad I was losing weight and not to stop (there is nothing more horrible to say to a person. Just sayin) feeling hungry all the time, nothing satisfied,
Now I am back walking--talk about sore legs!--measuring my food, taking my wellbutrin faithfully--twice a day--and posting. See, there is nothing I have hated more than bloggers who disappear then they come back in random appearances talking about how they basically fell off the wagon but they're still trying and then they are gone. For good. The pressure was too much for me and I basically caved under it.
Quick side note: My insides are saying stuff like 'you'd think you would wait until AFTER Thanksgiving to get straightened out'.
Getting myself back into the swing of things. The daily walking, with spurts of running as I can fit in/be on deserted parts of roads so noone can see me stuff. The measuring instead of eyeing. The saying no and running away. The remembering to take my anti depressants. Wait what? How did that get in there? Oh I forgot to mention that over the summer I thought I was 'better' and 'didn't need anti depressants anymore' and 'didn't ask my doctor because I'll be allright without them now' and 'basically was an idiot'. How many times have I read about people who went off their medication without their doctor's approval and horrible things happened? Like a zillion? And yet I think I'm the one exception to the rule. So I am back on the horse, after falling off. (Not a real horse)
Because, to be frank here, (and you can be Shirley), I am not done. My turkey tester has not popped up. There is more weight to be lost, food to say no to, food to say YES to, walks to be taken, stairs to be raced up but not down because I'm still afraid I'm gonna trip and fall and kill myself.
I found myself staying away from my blog for a very weird reason: MY SECRET WAS OUT. Yes. The dreaded 'everyone knows I'm losing weight and the pressure begins' thing. The lady at the grocery store who EVERYTIME she saw me asked me how much weight I had lost since the last time she saw me. In front of strangers in line. Who then looked at me like 'Good heavens she's huge now what did she look like before!' The family members who would hug me and whisper discreetly 'You look GREAT or FABULOUS or WONDERFUL' and you know it's because you looked like a WHALE and they can't BELIEVE the DIFFERENCE. The people I know in real life who are actually reading my blog and so therefore know all the disgusting horrible existence that was my life as a really fat woman. I mean, I was freaking out because there was no WAY I was going to tell my sister in law that I had trouble wiping in a regular stall which was why I always used the wheelchair stall and I'm so thrilled I don't have to do that anymore. You just can't fit that into a regular conversation can you? So all these real people who really know me know the real life I had before and it just became too much. It's one thing to be Zaababy, the cool hip fun girl who was losing weight and another to be Laura, who eats all the wrong foods and doesn't like vegetables and you saw her eating a candy bar and said 'should you be eating that'. And of course I only had myself to blame. I didn't have to tell anyone. But see there's this little thing about me that you might not know. I HAVE A BIG MOUTH. Yes. Don't tell me anything secret because I am so excited to be honored with the secret that I have to tell SOMEONE so they'll know someone else liked me enough to tell me something secret. That made a lot more sense in my head before I typed it, but you get the idea.
So there I was, basically abandoning the one thing that has helped me more than anything: accountability. You just don't realize how important that is until you don't have it anymore. Like indoor toilets. You go about your day, using that indoor toilet and flushing merrily away, not even thinking that people 100 years ago had to get COMPLETELY DRESSED to walk outside to use the bathroom, and if they needed to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night they would go in a CHAMBER POT THEY KEPT UNDER THEIR BED. You see how horribly inconvenient and smelly this is? Guess who gets to empty the pot? I'm pretty sure it's not the husband. And can you imagine squating over that thing? I'm sure I would miss it completely. And fall over to boot.
I'm disabling comments for the time being. That way I'm not crushed if nobody leaves me a comment. If you desperately need to tell me something you can email me at zaababy@sbcglobal.net. Thanks to all of you who have kept in contact with me over the summer, I really appreciate your kindness. I AM NOT DEAD.
*********Tiny List********
I went on a hayride for the first time in I don't remember when. I was able to climb into AND out of the wagon without injuring myself, the wagon didn't tip or lean heavily on the side I was on, and I had an absolute blast riding around my little town singing at the top of my lungs.
My grocery store doesn't sell moon pies anymore. My life is officially over.
I sang a solo at church and that was the thinnest I have ever been when I did that. Which btw we are going to a new church that I totally love.
*********end of tiny list**********
So let me tell you about me a few weeks ago. I have gained 20 pounds (horror filled gasps fill the air), I completely stopped walking, I was sinking back into depression BIG TIME, and was feeling helpless and discouraged. 'Cue Wellbutrin ad' I was super embarrassed about many things: not keeping up with my journal, people who would tell me how glad I was losing weight and not to stop (there is nothing more horrible to say to a person. Just sayin) feeling hungry all the time, nothing satisfied,
Now I am back walking--talk about sore legs!--measuring my food, taking my wellbutrin faithfully--twice a day--and posting. See, there is nothing I have hated more than bloggers who disappear then they come back in random appearances talking about how they basically fell off the wagon but they're still trying and then they are gone. For good. The pressure was too much for me and I basically caved under it.
Quick side note: My insides are saying stuff like 'you'd think you would wait until AFTER Thanksgiving to get straightened out'.
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
Tuesday. I think I've lost the creative part of my brain that makes cool titles.
Feels like a very long day for some reason. Didn't get much sleep. Hubby drove the kids to school and I stayed in bed! I just could NOT get up. I actually left my little town and went to the library with a friend. Am rereading the book Half-assed: a weight loss memoir and I just love the way she writes! So real! I could sit all day on the computer reading stuff but for some reason, holding a book in my hands is so much better. I know I know, thats so old school.
Hubby called today to tell me that a painting buddy is inviting him to go work in Oklahoma for a few days. And then next week, in Iowa. Well of course I am thrilled for him to have work. But he will be gone and I will have to be MomDad!!!!! It's hard when he's not here. My dear son Sam (14) seems to be the worst. And the fighting sometimes between Sam and Josiah (13) can get to incredible heights (depths?).
Menu Today:
bacon, eggs which I ruined when I broke the yolk which set the tone for my day, toast and juice
two chocolate truffles. don't worry, I skipped lunch to make up for the calories. I just wanted to eat them so bad, so I did. Get over it.
two tostadas
one can root beer
kind of a boring day eating wise. But I really really needed that chocolate today, so thats the way it is. Can't go without eating chocolate. If I don't eat it right away, I end up craving and obsessing and thinking about it and then overeat. Such an out of control reaction to a simple desire.
Funny how I'll be thinking about something so earth shaking and then discover that someone else has written a post saying everything a zillion times better than I ever could. I'm talking, of course, about my friend Sean's blog.
Here is the part that hit me so hard, taken straight from his blog and made into a different text so you can plainly see where the good writing begins, and ends:
I was always fighting the wrong battle. I didn't know who or what was the real enemy. How can you effectively battle, if you haven't identified the real enemy? I made food my enemy, that was the battle. I was always determined to put the food in its place---I would try to defeat food at every turn. Food wasn't going to win. That was my battle. The perceived enemy: food. But while I was busy battling food, the real enemy would sneak in from the side and defeat me every time in a battle that I didn't even realize I should be fighting. The real enemy?: ME.
And there you have it. You can read the entire post here. In fact, I suggest you go alllll the way back to Sean's very first post and read them in order. It's so cool how one man's life can affect so many. Anyways, I've often felt that my biggest enemy was myself. Why do I sabotage everything positive in my life!!! Fighting and defeating self has been the most difficult thing in my journey towards thinness. The battle is ongoing. Daily. Sometimes quite intense. Sometimes I seriously hate myself. Sean, how glad I am that you wrote your post before I did, you say things so clearly! I feel like my thoughts are always mish mashed on the page. I don't even use grammar and punctuation correctly, lots of run on sentences, bleh!
I have never lost a nail in my entire life and am close to losing one now. It's still attached on one side so I leave it alone, terrified that I will snag it on something and then RIP IT OFF. I love grossing the kids out with it. Thats what they get, yeah its payback time for all the gross stuff I've had to look at on them. 'Mom, look what I can do with my tooth!'
So now that Dave will be gone I am completely revamping my dinner menu! I cook to please him, and I am not going to knock myself out for kids who would be just as happy if I opened a can of olives and a package of pepperoni and said 'Here kids, it's your dinner!' So kid friendly meals are top priority.
Hopefully this week I will be successful in my mission of shoe control, and get the kids clothes gone through. It's just unbelievable how many shoes are in this house. I will most definitely supply a number for the pairs and singles I find. You have to promise not to faint.
I will leave you with a pic of my new dog, Meatball. He is no Ninja Cobra, but is creating a place in my heart for himself.
Hubby called today to tell me that a painting buddy is inviting him to go work in Oklahoma for a few days. And then next week, in Iowa. Well of course I am thrilled for him to have work. But he will be gone and I will have to be MomDad!!!!! It's hard when he's not here. My dear son Sam (14) seems to be the worst. And the fighting sometimes between Sam and Josiah (13) can get to incredible heights (depths?).
Menu Today:
bacon, eggs which I ruined when I broke the yolk which set the tone for my day, toast and juice
two chocolate truffles. don't worry, I skipped lunch to make up for the calories. I just wanted to eat them so bad, so I did. Get over it.
two tostadas
one can root beer
kind of a boring day eating wise. But I really really needed that chocolate today, so thats the way it is. Can't go without eating chocolate. If I don't eat it right away, I end up craving and obsessing and thinking about it and then overeat. Such an out of control reaction to a simple desire.
Funny how I'll be thinking about something so earth shaking and then discover that someone else has written a post saying everything a zillion times better than I ever could. I'm talking, of course, about my friend Sean's blog.
Here is the part that hit me so hard, taken straight from his blog and made into a different text so you can plainly see where the good writing begins, and ends:
I was always fighting the wrong battle. I didn't know who or what was the real enemy. How can you effectively battle, if you haven't identified the real enemy? I made food my enemy, that was the battle. I was always determined to put the food in its place---I would try to defeat food at every turn. Food wasn't going to win. That was my battle. The perceived enemy: food. But while I was busy battling food, the real enemy would sneak in from the side and defeat me every time in a battle that I didn't even realize I should be fighting. The real enemy?: ME.
And there you have it. You can read the entire post here. In fact, I suggest you go alllll the way back to Sean's very first post and read them in order. It's so cool how one man's life can affect so many. Anyways, I've often felt that my biggest enemy was myself. Why do I sabotage everything positive in my life!!! Fighting and defeating self has been the most difficult thing in my journey towards thinness. The battle is ongoing. Daily. Sometimes quite intense. Sometimes I seriously hate myself. Sean, how glad I am that you wrote your post before I did, you say things so clearly! I feel like my thoughts are always mish mashed on the page. I don't even use grammar and punctuation correctly, lots of run on sentences, bleh!
I have never lost a nail in my entire life and am close to losing one now. It's still attached on one side so I leave it alone, terrified that I will snag it on something and then RIP IT OFF. I love grossing the kids out with it. Thats what they get, yeah its payback time for all the gross stuff I've had to look at on them. 'Mom, look what I can do with my tooth!'
So now that Dave will be gone I am completely revamping my dinner menu! I cook to please him, and I am not going to knock myself out for kids who would be just as happy if I opened a can of olives and a package of pepperoni and said 'Here kids, it's your dinner!' So kid friendly meals are top priority.
Hopefully this week I will be successful in my mission of shoe control, and get the kids clothes gone through. It's just unbelievable how many shoes are in this house. I will most definitely supply a number for the pairs and singles I find. You have to promise not to faint.
I will leave you with a pic of my new dog, Meatball. He is no Ninja Cobra, but is creating a place in my heart for himself.
Monday, September 6, 2010
Labor Day Stuff
Obsessed. Yes, that's my middle name these days. Obsessed with something OTHER than food. It's that little tab that says 'Stats'. We all have one. It shows how many hits your blog gets, where from, how they got there, oh it's so informative! I am simply stunned by the WHERE:
United States (of course!)
Canada
United Kingdom
Australia!
Belgium!!
South Korea!!!!!!
Philippines!
Latvia!?! Where even is that! I had to pull a map out to find it. It's surrounded, incredibly,
by countries I have never even heard of! I feel so brainless!
Denmark!
India!!!!!!!!!
France!
Ukraine!!!!!!!
Germany!
Netherlands!!!!
Bulgaria! BULGARIA????
What--How did they even find me--WHY did they find me?!--Pardon me while I break into song 'It's a small world after all, it's a small world after all!'
Here I am, in my little podunk town smack in the middle of America and people on the other side of the world are reading about my little life. Weird how we all have something in common. We are trying to lose weight! I feel somewhat embarrassed that my horribly unhealthy method of losing weight is being scrutinized by so many, and probably condemned out of hand. Oh, I read plenty of blogs and not one of them eats like I do! All so incredibly healthy and colorful, I wish I wasn't so picky, I really do.
So, yeah, maybe some people came to my blog by accident, I don't know.
We're cooking out today. Marinaded chicken. We are going to try, again, to grill corn on the cob, it's never worked before but I'm determined they will be DONE this time! My daughter Rachel works in a bakery, and brought me two angel food cakes, uniced. I think I might ice one for tomorrow, I have ALWAYS loved that cake with frosting. I remember seeing my Grandmother NOT cutting it, but using a special utensil to serve it, like a huge comb. I don't think I even have one of those. We'll have devilled eggs, too, it'll be nice. And I'll freeze the other. For what I am unsure but the thought of letting that free food go to waste irritates me, so into the freezer it goes!
And the kids are out of school today, so they stayed up SUPER late last night and had friend spend the night. The entire night they were killing each other. On line. Modern Warfare 2. K this is SERIOUS STUFF to them. I personally prefer to kill people in a more fantasy based setting, but to each his own. Yes, of course, I'm talking about World of Warcraft. Did you just get pwned by a mage or hunter in a BG? Just might have been ME! (of course, it could probably have been the other way around....)
Bekah Boo is swinging by on her way back to college, to pick up all the stuff she forgot yesterday. Mmhmm. Calculator, flash stick, backpack, and who knows what else. Oh, and WM sacks for her bathroom trash can. Did I mention the school does not provide toilet paper?! I sure hope it's worth her going to college. I'm not thrilled with all the experiences she is having.
My husband informed me that he has work every day this week except for Labor Day. I about fell over with shock. Of course, with George out of commission for who knows how long, we will be juggling Eli's truck back and forth. I'm so thrilled he'll be out of the house--I mean working this week! Men just get so depressed and discouraged when they don't have work. You know? They identify so closely with what they do. All I have to do is tell women that I have 8 kids and they're ready to put me on a pedestal. When they find out I homeschooled for 10 years AND birthed 5 of them at home with a midwife they're ready to sacrifice small animals before me.
Yesterday's Menu:
Cocoa puffs, juice
two tostadas, one can of root beer which tasted so good I swear
half moonpie yummmmmmmmm heated up in the microwave it is heaven on earth
one tostada
couple bites of mac and cheese
Hey, I had to save some calories for chocolate cake! Yes, I made a dark, moist, luscious chocolate cake because I was craving some intense chocolate. And I had a piece. I made room in my calorie allotment for it because I seriously will die without chocolate. I will have another piece tomorrow. You have to go with the flow my friends. I learned that, early on. When you're craving something it's best to just have it, get it out of your system. You don't have to eat a ton of it. A modest portion works. Because if you don't. If you're like me. You will see that craving as a bad thing to be fought and conquered, and when inevitably you give in, you hate yourself all the more for being so weak. So eat it I say. And smell it. We don't smell food. Food smells so good. I ate my cake slowly, savoring each bite. Once it goes down the throat you can't taste it anymore. Everyone else had a piece, then I covered it with foil and hid it. Because the boys are having a sleepover and if I don't hide it those rotten boys will eat it all! For some reason, the cake is even better the next day. I'm a good cook.
This battle that I am fighting, it's a forever thing. It would be so great if I could make one decision that lasts forever, but I find it's a daily, no, almost moment by moment decision to eat less, move more, take a walk. Each day a new day. Not giving up is so key. And how you talk to yourself is so key. You will do this, you must do this, you CAN say no to *insert unnecessary food here* because you've done it before, you can eat it later. You get to a point in your life where you just don't want to be fat anymore. And you can give up, get depressed and discouraged, basically lose your life. Like I did. Or you can say 'Okay' and start today making the changes necessary for weight loss. What, you can take a walk. My first walks were agony! I had to constantly stop to catch my breath, my feet hurt, when I would get home my face would be all red puffy and sweaty and I would collapse on my bed for a good period of time. But it gets better. Make sure you get a good pair of shoes, you'll be so glad you did. Fill your plate at supper time, then eat half. Make your lunch, and eat half. Eating half is a good start. Oh and eat breakfast. Soon you'll graduate to counting calories, drinking out of measuring cups (now don't pretend you have never done that!) reading labels and refusing to eat anything that doesn't taste good. Why waste calories? Make them count! It's a new way of life, a good way of life.
Someone wrote me about how they can't have certain foods in the house, they would go nuts on it. Well for heaven's sakes don't have it in the house then! My first months, there were no chips whatsoever, and I didn't bake at all. I gradually got to where those things didn't matter anymore, I could trust myself.
I love being smaller.
I love always using the small stalls in public places without even thinking about it.
I love wearing pants with zippers.
I wear shorts in public for the first time in years.
I love being able to sit anywhere I please, even on wicker chairs. It's incredible!
I love having my seat belts lay properly on my chest instead of up around my neck.
I love having seat belts that actually click!
I love my clean, white bed, with the sheets that smell so good, and no depression on my side of the bed anymore.
I love rolling over in bed and the bed doesn't even move.
I love running up the stairs.
I love moon pies. Wait, how did that get in there!
I love having brand new appliances for the first time in my married life. I LOVE MY SERVANTS. Thats what they are you know.
I love having confidence in myself.
I love that I am strong in my heart and mind.
I love that my weight loss has made my marriage better, and not worse.
I love how I vacuumed the entire house Friday, even the stairs with this cool attachment that has a whirling brush on it, it was so fun, and I wasn't even tired at the end.
I love that I have already achieved some goals that I didn't think would happen til I hit the magical 150 pounds.
I love that I started this blog, and met so many awesome people, and found an entire community of folks who care about each other's journey.
And I also don't like some things.
I don't like how my stomach is still freakishly large.
I don't like that my daughters are threatened by my weight loss.
I don't like that some people are jealous of my success, and it has affected our friendship.
I don't like that it is taking longer than I thought to lose all the weight.
I don't like that I gained over the summer. I mean not even maintained! Whats with that!
I don't like the fact that there is no gym anywhere near here, but I wouldn't have the money to join one if there was. I know there is an aerobics/weights class twice a week at the methodist church but its $40 a month. I don't like that I can't do that.
I don't like not having a car.
I don't like the halloween candy that is already out! Staring me in the face everytime I go to the store. Thankfully I don't have a problem with halloween candy. It's those cadbury mini eggs that get me everytime at Easter.
I wish I'd done this sooner.
I wish I hadn't let myself get so hideously huge.
I wish I had a life that has nothing to do with kids and housework and being tied to the house.
I wish I wasn't scared to be alone during the day when everyone is gone.
I wish Ninja Cobra was still alive.
Oh who am I kidding, I wish my Mother were still alive. I know everything would be different if she would, who knows if I would have lost the weight.
I wish she could see me. She always worried about me.
I wish my Dad wouldn't lay these guilt trips on me that make me avoid talking to him. He won't be around forever, I should just grin and bear it but I don't.
I wish food didn't have calories.
I wish food wasn't the most important thing in my life.
Sorry to end on a gloomy note, it's what was on my heart.
Thanks to all who take the time to read this. Incredible that anyone does.
Have a question? Want to tell me how horrible I am and what wrong foods I eat? Send me an email, I'm responding to them, and enjoying the love and good wishes sent to me.
Yall be good now. Make wise choices!!!!!!!!!!!!
United States (of course!)
Canada
United Kingdom
Australia!
Belgium!!
South Korea!!!!!!
Philippines!
Latvia!?! Where even is that! I had to pull a map out to find it. It's surrounded, incredibly,
by countries I have never even heard of! I feel so brainless!
Denmark!
India!!!!!!!!!
France!
Ukraine!!!!!!!
Germany!
Netherlands!!!!
Bulgaria! BULGARIA????
What--How did they even find me--WHY did they find me?!--Pardon me while I break into song 'It's a small world after all, it's a small world after all!'
Here I am, in my little podunk town smack in the middle of America and people on the other side of the world are reading about my little life. Weird how we all have something in common. We are trying to lose weight! I feel somewhat embarrassed that my horribly unhealthy method of losing weight is being scrutinized by so many, and probably condemned out of hand. Oh, I read plenty of blogs and not one of them eats like I do! All so incredibly healthy and colorful, I wish I wasn't so picky, I really do.
So, yeah, maybe some people came to my blog by accident, I don't know.
We're cooking out today. Marinaded chicken. We are going to try, again, to grill corn on the cob, it's never worked before but I'm determined they will be DONE this time! My daughter Rachel works in a bakery, and brought me two angel food cakes, uniced. I think I might ice one for tomorrow, I have ALWAYS loved that cake with frosting. I remember seeing my Grandmother NOT cutting it, but using a special utensil to serve it, like a huge comb. I don't think I even have one of those. We'll have devilled eggs, too, it'll be nice. And I'll freeze the other. For what I am unsure but the thought of letting that free food go to waste irritates me, so into the freezer it goes!
And the kids are out of school today, so they stayed up SUPER late last night and had friend spend the night. The entire night they were killing each other. On line. Modern Warfare 2. K this is SERIOUS STUFF to them. I personally prefer to kill people in a more fantasy based setting, but to each his own. Yes, of course, I'm talking about World of Warcraft. Did you just get pwned by a mage or hunter in a BG? Just might have been ME! (of course, it could probably have been the other way around....)
Bekah Boo is swinging by on her way back to college, to pick up all the stuff she forgot yesterday. Mmhmm. Calculator, flash stick, backpack, and who knows what else. Oh, and WM sacks for her bathroom trash can. Did I mention the school does not provide toilet paper?! I sure hope it's worth her going to college. I'm not thrilled with all the experiences she is having.
My husband informed me that he has work every day this week except for Labor Day. I about fell over with shock. Of course, with George out of commission for who knows how long, we will be juggling Eli's truck back and forth. I'm so thrilled he'll be out of the house--I mean working this week! Men just get so depressed and discouraged when they don't have work. You know? They identify so closely with what they do. All I have to do is tell women that I have 8 kids and they're ready to put me on a pedestal. When they find out I homeschooled for 10 years AND birthed 5 of them at home with a midwife they're ready to sacrifice small animals before me.
Yesterday's Menu:
Cocoa puffs, juice
two tostadas, one can of root beer which tasted so good I swear
half moonpie yummmmmmmmm heated up in the microwave it is heaven on earth
one tostada
couple bites of mac and cheese
Hey, I had to save some calories for chocolate cake! Yes, I made a dark, moist, luscious chocolate cake because I was craving some intense chocolate. And I had a piece. I made room in my calorie allotment for it because I seriously will die without chocolate. I will have another piece tomorrow. You have to go with the flow my friends. I learned that, early on. When you're craving something it's best to just have it, get it out of your system. You don't have to eat a ton of it. A modest portion works. Because if you don't. If you're like me. You will see that craving as a bad thing to be fought and conquered, and when inevitably you give in, you hate yourself all the more for being so weak. So eat it I say. And smell it. We don't smell food. Food smells so good. I ate my cake slowly, savoring each bite. Once it goes down the throat you can't taste it anymore. Everyone else had a piece, then I covered it with foil and hid it. Because the boys are having a sleepover and if I don't hide it those rotten boys will eat it all! For some reason, the cake is even better the next day. I'm a good cook.
This battle that I am fighting, it's a forever thing. It would be so great if I could make one decision that lasts forever, but I find it's a daily, no, almost moment by moment decision to eat less, move more, take a walk. Each day a new day. Not giving up is so key. And how you talk to yourself is so key. You will do this, you must do this, you CAN say no to *insert unnecessary food here* because you've done it before, you can eat it later. You get to a point in your life where you just don't want to be fat anymore. And you can give up, get depressed and discouraged, basically lose your life. Like I did. Or you can say 'Okay' and start today making the changes necessary for weight loss. What, you can take a walk. My first walks were agony! I had to constantly stop to catch my breath, my feet hurt, when I would get home my face would be all red puffy and sweaty and I would collapse on my bed for a good period of time. But it gets better. Make sure you get a good pair of shoes, you'll be so glad you did. Fill your plate at supper time, then eat half. Make your lunch, and eat half. Eating half is a good start. Oh and eat breakfast. Soon you'll graduate to counting calories, drinking out of measuring cups (now don't pretend you have never done that!) reading labels and refusing to eat anything that doesn't taste good. Why waste calories? Make them count! It's a new way of life, a good way of life.
Someone wrote me about how they can't have certain foods in the house, they would go nuts on it. Well for heaven's sakes don't have it in the house then! My first months, there were no chips whatsoever, and I didn't bake at all. I gradually got to where those things didn't matter anymore, I could trust myself.
I love being smaller.
I love always using the small stalls in public places without even thinking about it.
I love wearing pants with zippers.
I wear shorts in public for the first time in years.
I love being able to sit anywhere I please, even on wicker chairs. It's incredible!
I love having my seat belts lay properly on my chest instead of up around my neck.
I love having seat belts that actually click!
I love my clean, white bed, with the sheets that smell so good, and no depression on my side of the bed anymore.
I love rolling over in bed and the bed doesn't even move.
I love running up the stairs.
I love moon pies. Wait, how did that get in there!
I love having brand new appliances for the first time in my married life. I LOVE MY SERVANTS. Thats what they are you know.
I love having confidence in myself.
I love that I am strong in my heart and mind.
I love that my weight loss has made my marriage better, and not worse.
I love how I vacuumed the entire house Friday, even the stairs with this cool attachment that has a whirling brush on it, it was so fun, and I wasn't even tired at the end.
I love that I have already achieved some goals that I didn't think would happen til I hit the magical 150 pounds.
I love that I started this blog, and met so many awesome people, and found an entire community of folks who care about each other's journey.
And I also don't like some things.
I don't like how my stomach is still freakishly large.
I don't like that my daughters are threatened by my weight loss.
I don't like that some people are jealous of my success, and it has affected our friendship.
I don't like that it is taking longer than I thought to lose all the weight.
I don't like that I gained over the summer. I mean not even maintained! Whats with that!
I don't like the fact that there is no gym anywhere near here, but I wouldn't have the money to join one if there was. I know there is an aerobics/weights class twice a week at the methodist church but its $40 a month. I don't like that I can't do that.
I don't like not having a car.
I don't like the halloween candy that is already out! Staring me in the face everytime I go to the store. Thankfully I don't have a problem with halloween candy. It's those cadbury mini eggs that get me everytime at Easter.
I wish I'd done this sooner.
I wish I hadn't let myself get so hideously huge.
I wish I had a life that has nothing to do with kids and housework and being tied to the house.
I wish I wasn't scared to be alone during the day when everyone is gone.
I wish Ninja Cobra was still alive.
Oh who am I kidding, I wish my Mother were still alive. I know everything would be different if she would, who knows if I would have lost the weight.
I wish she could see me. She always worried about me.
I wish my Dad wouldn't lay these guilt trips on me that make me avoid talking to him. He won't be around forever, I should just grin and bear it but I don't.
I wish food didn't have calories.
I wish food wasn't the most important thing in my life.
Sorry to end on a gloomy note, it's what was on my heart.
Thanks to all who take the time to read this. Incredible that anyone does.
Have a question? Want to tell me how horrible I am and what wrong foods I eat? Send me an email, I'm responding to them, and enjoying the love and good wishes sent to me.
Yall be good now. Make wise choices!!!!!!!!!!!!
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