Day 293--Has Zaa ever Goofed Up? The Truth and More in this edition

A day so not like what I had planned. I actually had a car today and the opportunity to be out and about with no children and then Josiah is sick, sore throat, headache, stomach ache, and stays home. I do feel sorry for him but phooey! Ah well, next time perhaps?
And no gym for the Mother. Am I weird to not feel right about leaving a very sick 12 year old boy home alone?
Speaking of gym, I am really enjoying it. The elliptical machine gives my legs a killer workout. The neatest part is there is this little sign on the machine that reads 'Weight Limit 300 Pounds'. If I had joined the gym months ago I wouldn't be able to use it! Right now I am doing one set of 15 on each machine, and all the different weights are written down on this chart I tote about with me. I just wish my trainer had written down the numbers of the seat positions!
Easter is coming. Everybody should be able to figure that out because of the HUMONGOUS amounts and varieties of candy everywhere you go. This is my toughest holiday, and the one I was dreading. Why you ask? Three words. Cadbury Mini Eggs. I have been known to eat an entire bag by myself, in one day. That's 1400 calories. I have loved these for years and years. I knew when I went to WalMart yesterday that I was going to look for them. I found them. Twelve eggs is 190 calories. So I divided the bag up into little baggies, each 190 calories. There is no way on earth I could have gone this Easter without this candy. I didn't even try. I never once told myself sternly that the candy was bad for me, no sugar for Zaa! I know myself. If I make an impossible rule I'll be breaking it shortly. I totally admire anyone who can set a rigid food requirement for themselves and then stick to it. They have that something special that I don't. The most wonderful part about the way I am losing weight is I can eat exactly what foods I want. Every single time I have dieted before it was with very strict rules. And you know what happens to people who break rules. They get punished!
So I can imagine the questions, the doubting looks. I mean come on, this is not common. You can't lose weight and have it be easy! It's right and proper for the way of the transgressor to be hard! But this is exactly what I have found to be true: you don't have to suffer to lose weight. If anyone had told me that before I would never have believed them. I watch television just like everyone else, and read magazines and surf the net and all over the place you see thin, incredibly beautiful people who can show you how to lose weight and it's not fun. You do have choices on the form of torture you want:

1. Drink a shake for breakfast and lunch and eat ALL THIS FOOD for dinner. Have you seen the picture in this ad? I have never seen so much food to be eaten at one meal.
   
2. Eat ONLY the food we send you, and don't eat it all at once or you're screwed.
3. Take these pills. You still have to follow this diet plan.
4. Take these pills. Watch out for the oily discharge that will come out of your rear end. This is the one I hate more than anything. You take a pill and suffer diarrhea and you STILL have to be on a diet. This is the best our modern technology can come up with?
   
5. Completely change your digestive system surgically, because there is no way on earth you are going to be able to lose this weight normally.
   
6. Make a huge pot of this very stinky cabbage soup and only eat it. Is there anyone out there who likes this soup and doesn't think it stinks?
7. NO dairy. No exceptions. Eat EVERY two hours without fail.
8. Give a sample of your blood and then a diet will be created to raise your metablism or something.
9. Only eat 10 grams of fat a day. Sundays are your free day!
   
10. Eat less and exercise. Wait how did this get in here?

So Zaa, are you telling us you have never 'goofed up'? That you've been perfect for the last nine months? That you have no regrets, no secret food stashes, no clandestine trips to Sonic?
No, I haven't goofed. To do so would mean I had created a set of rules that must not be broken to ensure success. And that is not what I did. Everything is allowed. All foods are encouraged. Eating when hungry is instrumental. Never giving up is KEY.
All my life I have been overweight. And I have tried numerous times to lose my weight and was never successful. I watched helplessly as the numbers on the scale climbed higher and higher through the years. I genuinely believed that I could not do it, I could not lose weight. I am not consistent. I am not strong. I am easily swayed by food. I have no willpower. I was going to get so fat that when I died they would have to have a special coffin made. Oh it was horrible. I remember watching What's Eating Gilbert Grape with tears streaming down my face. Because that was going to be me. I can see the mother sitting on the bed telling Gilbert 'I never meant to be this way' and I totally understood! No, I didn't weight as much as she did but I was well on my way.
I was trapped. I desperately wanted to be thin so every once in a while when I got sick of myself I would go on a diet. And it was a very strict diet because I wanted to lose weight FAST. I wanted to get on the scale and see HUGE losses, everyday. I would THROW myself into exercise, doing aerobics videos and situps and taking long walks and buying 3 pound weights and reading magazines about weight lifting. If I even lasted more than a couple of days it was a miracle. Come on, was I seriously NEVER going to lick another beater ever again for the rest of my life? Or eat at McDonald's?
The sensible way was to lose 1-2 pounds a week. But no, that was not enough for ME. I am so fat I have to lose a LOT of weight EVERYDAY.
Just reading that made me sound so ridiculous but I know I'm not alone. I know there are many people who feel the same way.
Can it be possible to lose weight without the agony? Is there really hope?
Yes.
I do not recommend anyone doing what I do the way I do it. Because if everyone else loved Moon Pies there wouldn't be enough for me. You have to look at your OWN life and tailor your weight loss to fit YOUR life. I did not have easy access to a gym so I walked everyday instead. I love chocolate so I made sure I had it every day. I could live without pop and sugared tea and lemonade nicely. I love bacon and eggs and toast and juice and joyfully made for breakfast

• one egg
• two pieces of bacon
• one piece of toast with butter
• one cup of orange juice

Total? 400 calories. And yes I eat the yolk of the egg and I don't CARE.
I love pizza so would eat half a Totino's pizza for 360 calories. Sometimes I would weigh an ounce of chips to eat with it. I love cereal but one serving is ridiculous so I weigh 2 servings and have juice and it's yummy. I love moon pies but they are 300 calories so I eat half and save the other half for later. Okay I could just go on and on ad nauseum.
I picked 1500 calories because I was patterning myself after Sean. If he had been eating 1350 I would have picked that because I really didn't know how to do this the 'right' way. I now know lots of women eat 1200 calories a day!
Making the decision to lose weight is the very beginning, the first step in a journey of a thousand miles. I thought that I would have the same life but be thinner. I was wrong. Every facet of my life was affected. Is being affected.
Sometimes I feel like I yammer on endlessly, repeating myself quite boringly. I apologize.
I have decided when I lose 100 pounds my reward will be new clothes.
I love looking at my legs when I am sitting with them crossed. So slender! I love wearing panty hose. I remember I couldn't even pull the largest size up over my rear before. I love smiling at myself in the mirror. My lips don't look so scrawny in my face anymore. I feel pretty. I walk quickly. I move fast. My kids tell me when I used to come up the stairs it was so slow and heavy and my breathing was tortured. Now I run up and they don't know it's me til they see me! I'm doing things I never thought I ever would and sitting anywhere I want in restaurants and easily buckling seat belts and wearing pants with zippers and enjoying glancing down at my wrists while I am typing because they look so skinny! And sex gets more interesting the smaller I get and I hope that doesn't offend because I AM married and that's the most details I'll ever pass out. My kids are proud of me, my husband thinks I'm skinny, and my life is touching the lives of others. Who would ever have thought that would be my life I am so serious.
Oh I weighed with my daughter Bekah Boo Baby and she lost two pounds and I lost one. She is quite ecstatic and man I was praying so hard when she stepped on that scale! I didn't care about myself I wanted HER to lose, to have an encouraging sign. I am so glad!
One last thing, and it's in code: Zaa, troll mage, Whisperwind
Be good fellow weight loss super heroes. The life you save may be your own!!!!