Friday, February 19, 2010

Day 289--Nine month anniversary and a bunch of firsts

I am trying not to be completely blown away by the fact that I have been losing weight steadily for 9 months! Me! Incredible! This just can't be me. But it is. Weighing tomorrow.
The big news? DRUMROLL
I joined a gym! I never ever thought I would because of the money and I don't always have a car at my disposal. My daughter and some of her friends joined one and asked if I wanted to too, they would drive and I said YES! Yesterday the trainer took me around and showed me all the machines. Some were super fun, like the one you have to literally climb up on and then do pullups and pushups. The ab ones (there are four) rank from okay to Iwillneverbeabletodothis. So yesterday I did all the machines, and today I did cardio. That sounds so hip doesn't it? And you know what? Nine months ago I wouldn't have been able to even fit in most of those machines. I am also just a little sore, I am not in agony or anything. We'll be going during the week so MWF I'll be doing the weight machines and TTH cardio. This is just so exciting! I can't believe I am getting to do this!
Big news number two! You didn't see that one coming did you?
I have never donated blood. Nobody did that in the '70s unless you were a druggie looking for easy cash. Then I had too many children. THEN I was too fat to fit on one of those flimsy tables. No WAY would I humiliate myself in that way. So donating blood was one of the things I wanted to do when I lost enough weight. And how do we determine if we've lost enough weight to do stuff, it's very confusing. I figured losing 80 pounds was enough so off I went to the blood drive at the school. They took my blood pressure. I need caps for this. THEY USED THE NORMAL SIZE CUFF ON ME NOT THE FAT PERSON CUFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I felt that needed a lot of exclamation points. I about died when that happened, I wanted to jump up and go tell my daughters but I didn't. One was there donating with me, my other daughter is president of the senior class and in stuco so she was there in charge it was kind of neat. So then I got up on one of the tables and it did not collapse. It was actually quite sturdy feeling. I was surprised. They did their stuff and gave me a hematoma on my left arm, so they moved to my right and everything went smoothly. Afterwards I ate 120 calorie bag of pretzels and drank sprite! I never drink pop, it was like a party! And I got a Tshirt! The biggest size was an extra large. And guess what. It fits. I can fit into an extra large tshirt. Me! Okay I cried, I really did, I showed my daughter Rachel and I started crying and she hugged me hard and said she was so proud of me. This has just been an incredible day.
We started going to a different church on Sunday. Just a regular old fashioned baptist church with normal sunday school and church and evening service and Wednesday night prayer meeting and a nice youth group. It's in my little town so we knew everyone and they were all so nice, even the teenagers. I know right? So I'm quite thrilled. Funny how the answer to my prayer was right here all along.
I was thinking last night about how much my life has changed in the past 9 months. Because it is completely different. You wouldn't think a decision to lose weight would have such an impact on a person. It all started with just the decision to do it. Then deciding no foods were offlimits. I needed a strict calorie budget of 1500 at first to teach me portion sizes. Walking everyday no matter what was important. I even walked in the rain! Never ever giving up no matter what was my motto from the first. I am thankful that losing weight has had a positive impact on my marriage. It's like night and day. Man I hated my husband so very much. He was just so awful to me all the time! All I could think about was how much he hated me, why does he hate me so much, why can't he love me, I must really be a horrible person if my own husband hates me. And now that's just gone. He is kind, he teases me all the time, and is most willing to have sex anytime. Which is as it should be. I feel that this verse applies very much: 'And I will restore to you the years that the locust hath eaten...' Joel 2.25 Things have been bad for over 20 years. I have a lot of time to make up!
I feel like I have come out on the other side of something. I don't know how else to describe it. My life has been so very very difficult, and then losing my Mother, and everything just fell apart. I miss her and always will but I'm not consumed with the crushing grief that was part of me. I'm so thankful for all that God has done in my life. For so long I couldn't find Him, I felt He had deserted me. Things were so difficult! Hard! Impossible! Horrible! And now I feel like He is just pouring blessing after blessing on me. I just hope He doesn't bless me with another baby! I'm 48, surely I'm done!
My daughters are still counting their calories. It's so great that they can eat what they want portioned out. I made peanutbutter chocolate chip cookies last night. I had one, they had one. I had one today. It's just so nice! I have a pic on the fridge of me before I started and the words 'NEVER FORGET' underneath. Man I look so different now!
Making pumpkin bread and tuna casserole for dinner tonight. It's a cold rainy day. I also get to walk IN THE RAIN to get my daughter from school because I have no car today. Yes I have an umbrella.
I'm sure that there is at least one person reading this who wants desperately to lose weight and can't. You've tried everything. You've lost and regained. You're discouraged, scared, and filled with despair. Well guess what. I was too! I weighed 356 pounds when I started. Having to lose 200 pounds was an astronomical amount but I didn't care. I hated myself, my clothes, how people looked at me, how I couldn't fit into anything. No rigid stupid diet rules for me! I ate exactly what I wanted but portioned to fit into my 1500 calorie a day limit. Popcorn? Sure! Pizza? Yep. Normal everyday regular foods that everybody else got to eat. No special foods for me! I made a cheesecake for a birthday and carefully calculated the calories and then had a piece. I think it was 330 or something but it was so great that I could eat it and NO GUILT. And I walked every single day. At first I could barely walk anywhere and had to stop for a breath constantly! Now I can do 2.5 miles no problem and when the snow and ice are gone will be jogging/walking. I want to be a runner. I can run now. Up and down the stairs, into the kitchen, from the car to the front door, oh it's so freeing! And I tell myself no. I could never do that. Food controlled me, completely. If it called, I answered. Now I say no and it's incredibly empowering. I have one cookie and of course, my faithless body wants another. I say no and just walk away. Oh I am having so much fun shrinking! The weirdest part is people are impressed. Eighty pounds is a lot--for some not me! I have 120 left to go! People who have never met me see me and think I'm fat I know they do. Because I still am fat. But everyone who knows me freaks, they just freak when they see me. It's quite gratifying. And I am proud of myself. I am actually doing something right and good! Me, the inconsistent, cheating, lying about what I eat person! That woman is gone and she is not coming back.
So there you have it. Life is good.
Make wise choices, and never give up!!!


  1. This post makes my heart swell up with pride. You are really doing this, really seeing the rewards for the changes you've made in your life. And I expect your journey to shift into another gear now with the gym membership. Outstanding!

  2. Zaa, congratulations on continuing to make such wonderful progress! And congrats on such a great day, too!

  3. Oh my goodness i had tears of joy as i was reading this!! You have come a long way and i'm just so proud of you :) Here's to a great future and a lot more fun yet!!

  4. You are a really big inspiration to me :) don't play WoW, do you?

  5. I've got tears streaming down my face Zaa. I love the emotion in this post. I love that you were able to give blood, and wear a shirt w/o an X in the size. I love everything you wrote about. We both started about the same time and you've lost 2x as much as I have. You make me want to do better, and no, I'll never give up!! Keep the inspiration going. You are such a blessing. :)

  6. i KNOW exactly how you feel.
    It's like you woke up one day and the whole world has changed except it didn' did.
    I wrote this post a little while back.
    I am a completely different person too.

  7. Hi - This is my second visit to your blog - I'm hear after reading Tammy's post last night about how inspiring your journey has been and esp. this post. Wow - reading it gave me the shot in the arm I so desperately need right now. I'm putting you on my "daily read" list and am going to browse your archive. Congratulations on your many successes!

    I can related to the BP cuff - recently they were able to use a normal one on me too. But I've been plateau'd for several months - knee injuries, crappy attitude, struggling with the seduction of food in my mind. To read this post, I'm reminded that your joy and success and accomplishment is available to me if I work for it. Thanks so much.

  8. You are an amazing lady Zaa. I am so glad Sean directed me to your blog. You are such an inspiration. Thank you.

  9. What a joyous and wonderful and inspirational and important post! NEVER GIVE UP! That is really important..and I have seen that theme on a few blogs in the past couple days. I sort of gave up a bit this past week....sort of.....but am back on track and on my way. I am amazed how important exercise has become to my well being. I feel like I wasted 42 years not understanding how much better I would feel if I just MOVED more. But..hey...looking forward.

    Your post is great, your success is wonderful...and I just LOVE the XL shirt....the donating blood...the "one" cookie....just love it. Keep up the great work. Wow.

  10. You got me with this one my friend. You got me good. I feel every word you write. I've been there, I'm here, we're is the freedom we've dreamed about for so long.
    I'm so happy for you---and the tears that run down my cheeks are joyous ones my friend. Oh Zaa, my friend. Your power in conveying the emotion involved on this journey is a very powerful thing. I lost it when I read about how much your marriage has improved. That's it---it's how you dreamed it would be...and you are so blessed.
    I pray that someday, when I get my traveling weight loss seminars started, that you and your husband will have time to join me occasionally and share your amazing story of success and freedom to live.
    This post moved me in a very deep way. Thank you for writing it and I'm confident you will not mind me sharing a link to it on my blog tomorrow. That's ok, right?

    My best always Zaa---I've said it before and I'll say it again... You my friend are one of the absolute best. I'm so overjoyed for you.


  11. I just found your blog and this entry made me cry. Your words are so touching and I relate to them so much. I'm at the start of this journey, I hope I can be as sucessful as you.

  12. First time visitor and WOW, just WOW.

  13. Congratulations! You have accomplished a lot!

  14. wow. i relate in many ways. Sometimes I just want to run to put the grocery cart up or run to go in the store. 100plus pounds ago I was trying to go to the smallest stores , so I did't tire out. Sometimes I feel the same way that people see me and just see this fat woman at 234 lbs, and I know that I'm 110 lbs or so less than my heaviest and feeling better than ever.

  15. My first visit to your blog - will be the first of many. You made me cry and feel so inspired! Thank you!