Day 177--Huge, long, rambling but do you ever expect anything less?

WOW what a long time since I posted! I simply cannot believe it. I had to actually go back and count the days so I could title this post. First off, I lost ONE MORE MEASLY POUND last Friday but I am still plugging away. My walking had gone pretty much to the wayside because of all the rainy bad weather and then my mother-in-law's death. So nice to be back to walking daily. This is so weird to say: I missed the walking. Can you believe it!
Here is a summation of everything starting with the day I last posted. Warning: you might get bored and fall off your chair into a crumpled heap, so I am recommending you either tie yourself to your chair or get some caffeine.
THURSDAY: Hubby and his sister are heading to his Dad's at 8 to break the news to him. The most heartbreaking thing? Grandpa called to ask when he could go visit his wife at the hospital, not knowing she had passed away. We had to tell him he couldn't go, we were coming to him at 8. And he knew, he knew something was wrong. After he hung up, he laid on the bed crying, my daughter was crying. She went to her room to control herself, and 'be a rock, Mom, I had to be a rock!'. She sat on the bed with him and rubbed his back, both of them crying. She texted us and said 'What is going on!!!' And so we told her over the phone it was just TERRIBLE she could hardly talk she was so choked up.
My husband and his sister got there and ended up she was the one who told him. She was very tender, and was on her knees by his chair, everyone was crying. Hubby ended up NOT going to work that day even though he was sure he would. He stayed until late in the evening. All of his sisters came into town, there was much tears and food. Me? I made all the kids go to school then went back to bed and stayed there for the whole day. I literally felt like a zombie and just couldn't function.
That night was also the opening night for the haunted house in the school's boiler room which I didn't even KNOW was there. We all went and only my 14 yo son was brave enough to go with me, everyone else sat outside. Chickens. It was hilariously lame but I screamed and laughed the whole way through, gripping my son's hand hard. I mean come on, anyone is going to scream when something jumps out at them in the dark right? Then we gathered the kids and went through it again with the LIGHTS ON and they were still scared I mean seriously. Two sons destined to work in it the next night.
Also this morning, my daughter-in-law had the molar pregnancy removed. Sad day all around. The procedure went well with no complications. Just hard, you know?
FRIDAY: Hubby and sisters had big meeting at 10 about the funeral plans. Funeral set for Monday, private family visitation Sunday at 2. We were going to have a huge doodah thing Saturday but hubby reminded them it was Halloween. He went to work and came home pretty late. Both boys worked at the haunted house and had a wonderful time scaring everyone to death.
Son and daughter-in-law grieving for their loss, but she did feel well enough to head out to a Halloween party dressed as Marie Antoinette. My son was Michael Jackson. They were both dead though. I guess zombies are big this year. I'm glad she's recovering quickly.
SATURDAY: Filled with decorating the outside of the house with spider webs, getting my kids costumed and made up for the night. 14yo worked at the haunted house then trick or treated and came home. All the rest got their candy. I didn't feel like dressing up like I had planned but did wear a frankenstein headpiece. Much candy was inhaled by them but not by me. This is by far the weirdest Halloween for me, what with the grief and feeling like a zombie and then eating only the tiniest bit of candy. I had one little kitkat thing and one little sour skittled but didn't eat all those. Let's see how I do through the holidays!!!!!
SUNDAY: Had to be at the funeral home before 2. Was fun seeing everyone Wisconsin, Illinois, WVirginia and Florida. Fun but sad. Then it was super sad when we went in and did the visitation part. Grandpa was pushed up to the casket and they helped him to stand. He stood there wit his hands on the casket looking at her and talked to her it was SO SUPER SAD. Everyone was crying. Some of my kids were really broken up. We were there for 2 hours and then went to my husband sister's and the grandkids all sat around and shared memories of Grandma that were written down and shared at the funeral. Then we ate. By that time I was starving to death. We had subs and chips and all kinds of stuff, all provided by Grandma's church. I ate a modest portion not having any idea how many calories it all was but doing my best to gauge portion sizes. I did have root beer that night. And it wasn't diet. We brought home with us to spend the night a cousin from Illinois. More fun at a sad time.
MONDAY: Had to get everyone up and at the church by 10. It takes an hour to get to the church where the funeral was held. This was SO HARD AND FRANTIC AND RUSHED. Then we had the visitation and stood there forever shaking hands and thanking people and stating how we were related. I was last in line and felt stupid because I know everything I said had probably already been said before they got to me but there's not much to say is there:

• Thank you for coming
• So glad you came
• She was a wonderful woman
• We will miss her greatly

Thankfully nobody said anything stupid like heaven needed another angel or God wanted the best so He took her. That stuff is so full of crap. Yeah I said it.
Then the funeral which was super sad. Then the big dinner afterwards the church put on for us. Ham, all kinds of potato dishes, casseroles, salads, desserts. I had 2 bites of chocolate cake. I would normally have had at least 2 pieces of cake and then cast longing eyes at the dessert table for the rest of the meal. So different. I also only had one serving of my food. So glad that the way I eat isn't so restricted as it would be on a diet. I love eating what everyone else does. I love feeling normal.
TUESDAY: Kids go back to school. My oldest daughter got a detention for not having her Spanish homework done. Idiot teacher.
Okay the rest of the time kind of blends in together so I'm done doing the daily remembrances.
My husband was home from work yesterday and walked with me for the first time EVER. It was so fun! Can you believe I actually had fun! I so want things to be great between us.
I am now planning my Thanksgiving meal. I love doing stuff like that. I love to cook and have big family doodahs. I am going to do what Sean did last Thanksgiving and give myself 1000 extra calories for the day.
Quick snippets:

• I'm going to play the piano for my church. Finally. I played for 10 years at my old church, then we started a new one and the pianist would NOT SHARE the piano like a meanie. Really hurt. So yay that I can serve I love playing!
• I love life. I love me. I love everything.
  
• Autumn is so beautiful. I am cold and I hope I can find a coat because I sure as heck am not wearing that huge red circus tent that is hanging in my closet. I seriously dislike that coat. I am enjoying being cold compared to always being hot even in the middle of winter. My layer of insulation is going away!
• Things are going well with my husband. Please remind me that this has happened too many times to count. I need to remember it won't last.
• When I sit down my breasts have shrunk so much and my stomach is huge by comparison so I look pregnant. I also have this huge roll of fat that used to not stand out but does now, you can really see it on my hips in pants and stuff. My body looks so weird as the fat goes away. And can I say that getting fitted for my bras was the smartest thing I ever did. I am lifted and separated and look so nice in my shirts!
• I never give up. I never say 'okay I screwed up this day's shot to hell now in fact I'm a total failure and can never lose weight because I'm such a loser'. I will never give up. Ever. I'm far enough on my journey now that the beginning is wayyyyy back there. I'm not going back.
  
• I don't have 200 pounds to lose to get to my goal anymore. I only need to lose 136 which sounds so much smaller than 200!!!

I have received SEVEN emails from people concerned because I haven't posted. I will give you the same response I sent them: I haven't given up, I haven't slipped, things are still going quite well for me, just life has been so hectic posting was not on the top of my list but thanks so much for caring. That's why I am doing this, sharing my life with whoever wants to be a part of it on this blog. We are here for each other!
Oh and here is a totally fat filled recipe I want to share:

pop one bag of popcorn, sift out the old maids
melt together 1 stick of butter, 3/4 c brown sugar, and 10 marshmallows
pour over popcorn in bowl, stir
eat

And can I get an amen that there are no bad foods, only bad portions sizes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Love to you all my friends. Keep plugging away.