Beautiful fall day here at the Manor. Had one home still sick with a stomach bug.
Walked the horseshoe again. Hard but not AS hard.
Food for the day:
Normal breakfast 200 cal
homemade burrito 400
1 serving ruffles queso chips 160
3 tootsie roll midgees 33 cal
1/3 burrito made into a quesadilla 133
1 serving ruffles queso chips 160 yeah I really like these
18 M&Ms 61 cal
Total 1147 calories for the day.
Was thinking today that the old goals I made wayyy back when I began my journey have been reached, and I need to make some new ones. I have met many that I thought I wouldn't until I hit goal like: sitting in booths and those flimsy white plastic chairs without one breaking on me, sitting in a lawn chair, going to an amusement park, wearing pants with a zipper, seat belts resting comfortably on me instead of strangling me, seat belts that FIT me, especially in the back seat of a car.
******New Things I Want To Do***********
Run. I still don't run on a regular basis and I want to.
Wear high heels without feeling like I'm going to pitch forward onto my face at any moment.
Not have to wear a girdle.
Wear REAL jeans, you know, the not stretchy kind, the ones regular normal people wear.
Look at myself from the side and my breasts stick out farther than my stomach.
Not have to take blood pressure medicine.
****************
I found an old journal, and it was sad sad. Pretty much every entry was 'I hate myself I hate my husband I hate my life everything stinks'.
It brought back memories of how horrible things were for me. Why did losing weight change all that? Despair and discouragement were the main theme of my days. I feel sorry for the me who wrote those, I wish I could go back and tell her things will be looking up soon. Life is just going to stink sometimes. I cannot control everyone around me, I cannot make my husband happy no matter how hard I try, it's almost as if he refuses to be happy ON PURPOSE, and I get tired of that. For the most part I am a happy and cheerful person, but sometimes stuff gets me down. My marriage still is hard, money is super tight, kids make stupid choices, the kitten won't use the litterbox. My overeating will not help me cope with this stuff. It will, in fact, just make things worse.
And I am encouraged just by KNOWING that. I used to find myself helplessly answering every call to eat, knowing it was too much, it would cause much self-loathing, but I didn't think I could stick to a 'diet', I never had before, why waste my time? I genuinely thought that I would have to 'diet', eat all sorts of horrid raw vegetables and hummus (what even is that) and fish and beets and yogurt and NO chocolate NO sugar NO white flour. I thought I would have to be super disciplined like all the thin women, self-righteously passing up the desserts at buffets and church dinners, cooking healthfully for my husband's heart health, blah blah.
And I just didn't have it in me. I still don't. I wonder if I ever will?
I just hate how many people put foods into good and bad categories. I like that I can eat whatever I want. I like that I set my own goals for my life, and not just mindlessly following someone else's do's and don't's.
I am proud of myself for walking the horseshoe today. It was such a beautiful day, probably one of the last we'll have for a while.
I am proud of myself for not only staying within my calorie budget, but coming in below it. I am proud for saving a bunch of calories for night time, and being able to eat a few chips and dip without any guilt whatsoever. I am proud for not secretly getting into the kid's halloween candy and eating it. I am proud for not having root beer with my lunch today because I didn't want the extra calories. I am proud that I am back, back to making weight loss front and center in my life, back to looking ahead to thinner days, back to confidence and peace with myself. The deep hatred for myself is gone. Because I CAN lose weight, I CAN say no to food, I CAN achieve my goals.
I guess I also have achieved another goal of sorts. I always had been the pianist at church, for years, but wanted to sing but it just didn't happen. Now I am on the singing schedule at church, and my Pastor asked me to do a solo at a conference this weekend at my church. Me! I still am surprised, our church has a zillion people who sing. But he asked me! What a privilege! I was even asked to sing at a 2 day conference thing last month too! Me!
Losing weight has changed, IS changing me. I am becoming different. And I really didn't know that would happen. I thought I would be the same, just thinner.
So a lesson was reinforced in my mind today: Eating over my calorie limit will just make things worse. It will not make me feel better. I will still have the problems, along with the anger and disappointment towards myself.
It's super late! I gotta get to bed.
Making wise choices the be all and end all in my life,
Laura
Wow - what can I even say that you haven't already told yourself. I love when I see/read people who allow themselves a little space to be an actual person and not the "Diet Robot" that makes everyone feel guilt and shame if they eat something other than lettuce or celery.
ReplyDeleteIt is true that ultimately the success is weight loss is calories in/calories out and if this is working for you on a mental and physical level - I can only applaud your efforts. Congrats!