Monday, January 18, 2010

Day 257--Eighth Month Anniversary, A Small (okay a big) Retrospective, and we have to have a list!!!

Well. It is just incredible that I am still losing weight and writing this blog. Eight months have passed since I had my moment, my click, and the only way I can describe it is like this: God reached His Hand into my soul and turned it one click to the right and everything fell into place. That sums it up. How many times have I tried to lose weight and didn't? How many times DID I lose weight then I broke some stupid rule and gave up and gained it all back? How long did I live with the feeling of being an absolute and utter failure, full of depression and discouragement, hating myself and everything and everybody?
On May 19th I made a decision that has completely changed my life. NOTHING is the same. Let's take a look back, shall we, at some earlier observations:

All the creases and folds in my body that get sweaty and extremely smelly
the huge underwear I have to wear
not fitting into my bra right and always bubbling out over the top
not fitting into chairs or cars or seat belts or booths without a struggle (I hate booths)
meeting people for the first time and they get this look in their eyes

This is Day 11 for me, and I boldly went to the clinic around the corner and actually weighed myself. I WEIGH 356 pounds!!!!! Those are not happy exclamation points. There was a time when seeing those numbers would have sent me spiraling down into discouragement and despair. But today, all that happened is it strengthened my determination to lose it all

I want to get up out of chair just by standing up , like normal people, instead of giving a huge heave ho, and leaning hard on something. I want to take a bath in a bathtub instead of a shower all the time. I want to wear a belt, with a tucked in button up shirt. I want pants that zip up. I want to cross my legs. I want to wear cute flirty shoes. I want to get my hair cut in a beauty salon and look GOOD. I want people to see me for who I really am, which they can't because they don't look past my fat.

Today after I got dressed I looked at myself and I look not quite as round in the middle. Came out and my daughter agreed. Caught a glimpse of myself in a mirror at WalMart and had to stop for a nice big look in that full length mirror. MY BIG FAT TOMATO MIDDLE IS NOT AS ROUND AND OMG I AM SO EXCITED!!! I have been praying for some sign, some small something to show me that what I was doing was working.

I hate meeting people for the first time and they have this look in their eyes.
I hate being the fattest person everywhere I go.
I hate my clothes.
I hate putting my life on hold because I'm too fat to do anything.
I hate what I have done to my body.
I hate that when I lose all my weight I will have saggy baggy skin everywhere that will be gross and disgusting.

Someday, I will see someone after a long absence and they will freak. Someday, I will fit into a smaller size bra and have pants that actually have a zipper in them. Someday I will look in the mirror and not see that extra flesh under my chin. Someday I will have more energy, I'll sleep better, I won't snore (I like to think I purr but everyone tells me otherwise). Someday I will walk into a room, will do my quick fatpersoncheck, and I won't be the fattest person in the room. Someday I will be a runner, me, a runner. Someday I will run a marathon.

And the big news of the day (drumroll please) I RAN. OKay okay let me create the scene for you. Me, at the park, on the path around the lake. Audience? There was none. I thought well this is the time. And I ran. For about 10 seconds. But I RAN. Then I RAN AGAIN. I had 6 little bursts of running in all. I can't believe I did it!

I feel in control of myself for the first time in literally ages.
So with all the ugliness of my life I have this bright ray of sunshine streaming through the dark clouds.

You know I don't feel fat. And I don't act fat. In fact, it's always a surprise to see myself in the mirror. Ack who is THAT!

Thankfully, once again, my doctor was alone with no patients there or waiting, so I sat down to talk to her about my bp and lo and behold I burst into tears. I told her (condensed version) everything that had been going on with my husband, words were just pouring forth along with the tears, and how I felt I was always wearing a mask, I wasn't sleeping well, and I always felt there was this black cloud with me everywhere I went, and it had been this way for YEARS. If my marriage were different, my husband treated me like a husband SHOULD, then things would be different. And guess what she said? She told me I had the classic signs of depression. Me. The cheerful happy person, depressed?
She is prescribing anti depressants for me. Me. I'm kind of freaked but you know what? I feel so relieved to find out that I'm not just this big fat lazy slob who can't get off her rear to do what she should, but there's a REASON I'm like this.

I never want to go back to being discouraged, depressed, hating myself and everything around me. Hopeless. Doomed. A prisoner. I used to think it would be so hard to lose weight. That I did not have that special something inside me. I would see the People magazines with their cover girls who lost a ton of weight with no pills or surgery! and I would think man! I wish I could do that! And lookee! I AM!!!

My sister took some pictures yesterday. And one of them was of us together, and my face didn't look as round as it used to be.

What I am looking forward to the most:
Going to World's of Fun and not worrying about if I will fit in the rides
Wearing a pair of jeans with a tshirt TUCKED IN and I look fine
Being able to run
Being able to run up the stairs
crossing my legs
having a cat fall asleep in my lap. not on my chest, my lap.
all new clothes, of course. I wonder what my style is. It's been so long since I've bought something I liked. I get whatever fits. Doesn't matter what it looks like.
owning and wearing pretty silky pajamas and robe
having an actual coat instead of a thick sweater in the winter time--I've always wanted a deep blue one.
And the best thing, watching people's reactions to my svelte self.

I had a dream last night where my daughter and I were walking along a road, holding hands. All of a sudden we started running together, and it was effortless and freeing. I began leaping as I ran and I felt so joyful. When I woke up, I was moved when I remembered it. Because if that had happened a few months ago I would have been sad, discouraged and depressed, knowing that could never happen. But now, I know it will happen. I will run with my daughter one day, and it will be effortless and I will leap and feel joyful.

I will never be able to go back to the way I was before, all blobby and fat, camped at the computer, eating all the time. Why did I type that, 'never be able'? How about I will never HAVE to go back to that way of life. I know people lose and then regain and I think that's just horrible. Having that taste of normality and throwing it all away for food. I don't ever want to be this fat again. I hate it.

This was Day 56--already many changes for me:
  • hated myself
  • hated everybody and everything
  • ate whatever I wanted whenever I wanted however much I wanted
  • was probably socking away 4000-5000 calories a day
  • couldn't go up or down stairs without my knees hurting, being out of breath, and it was just plain difficult!
  • was proud when I ate salads (which I despise) because they're so GOOD for you
  • felt helpless, hopeless, trapped, doomed, depressed, discouraged
  • I love myself
  • I love others and everything. Funny what a little wellbutrin can do for you
  • I eat whatever I want in controlled portions, getting just as much satisfaction as I did when I ate huge amounts
  • 1500 calories is my limit
  • went up and down the stairs yesterday at church (it's a HUGE staircase) with no problems whatsoever. when I got to the top I felt like cheering
  • I'm proud of myself for the first time in who knows how long for taking control of my life and the food that goes into my mouth
  • I feel strong, powerful, full of joy and hope, cheerful, optimistic
I kind of feel like I'm cheating when I just copy and paste stuff from old posts but I couldn't think of a better way to showcase a bit of my journey. And now? Do I still feel the same? Am I giving up and going back to my old habits? Cause 8 months is a long time isn't it? Well nope I'm not. These are some of my thoughts right now:

  • I'm not giving up the incredible joy I get when I get dressed, put on makeup and fix my hair and then look at myself in the mirror. I am cute! I am trim! I like the way I look!
  • I love running up and down the stairs. I do it because I CAN. It doesn't hurt my knees or my ankles or my back. It doesn't do anything. I feel so light.
  • I don't snore anymore.
  • I am not afraid I will break something if I fall on the snow or ice.
  • I am not afraid of stairs anymore
  • I never even think about using the wheelchair stall at WalMart anymore. I just go into the smaller ones without hesitation. And I never would ever be able to use those small ones, I couldn't wipe in there.
  • I can sit in all booths, and tables with fixed chairs.
  • My bra fits nicely.
  • My underwear is so much smaller, when I was folding clothes I thought mine were my daughter's!!!!!!!
  • I've lost 75 pounds. SEVENTY FIVE POUNDS. That's almost 4 20 pound bags of potatoes. And that's super heavy.
  • I can run.
  • I roll over in bed without almost causing an earthquake.
  • My bed doesn't have a huge depression on my side anymore.
  • I have a real coat, brown, with a pink lining, and I have brown gloves with a dark woven pattern on them and a scarf of many colors primarily pink and brown with long tassles and a pink headband. I LOOK CUTE.
  • I have an ipod so I can listen to music while I walk.
  • If I eat a cookie I don't beat myself up at all. I just stop at one. I eat half a moon pie. I eat half a piece of cheesecake. I measure my food and drink. I cook regular ordinary food for everyone and I get to eat it too. Tonight? Chicken and rice, creamed corn, salad, hot rolls with melted butter on top and jelly. Then I had half a moon pie. I LOVE MOON PIES.
  • I actually see people who are bigger than me. I'm sorry if that makes me sound mean, I'm not trying to be.
  • When I do see people bigger than me my heart just goes out to them. I wish I could go up and say something to them about my life and how it is different.
  • My doctor is so proud of me. She told me my journey has been fun to watch.
  • Everytime I see someone I haven't seen for a few months they just FREAK OUT about how I look. You're right, Sean, it never gets old.
  • My marriage has completely turned around and is getting better everyday.
  • My children are proud of me. They love hugging me and seeing how far they can get their arms around me today.
Well dang I could just go on and on. I've said it before tons of times. You CAN lose weight, you CAN be successful, it is possible for EVERYONE to lose weight and not have huge horrible struggles. Don't deprive yourself of what you really really want. You love ice cream? You don't think you can stay away? Well shoot just eat it for breakfast lunch and dinner but measure out your portions. Believe me you'll be sick of it soon. I never deprive myself of anything. I eat when I am hungry.
Please check out my blogroll to the right. These are the blogs I read faithfully. But one most important one I have to point out for you to go to:

Day 11:
Found another blog yesterday about a man who started at 505 pounds and has lost 170. Of course I had to go back to the beginning and read through. How encouraging! And he's doing it the way I am: eating less and exercising!

If you do nothing else, go to Day One of Sean's blog and start reading his posts. Sean was who I patterned myself after. I am here today because of Sean. He should write a book. He is one of the most inspiring weight loss super heroes you'll ever find.

Oh. One last thing. Ninja Cobra died Saturday. Ended up that he had gotten into some anti freeze somewhere in the neighborhood and it poisoned him. My heart is flat out broken. I loved that cat so very very much. He had the softest fur and he smelled so good.
R.I.P. Ninja Cobra.
Be good and have fun my friends!!!!


  1. What a wonderfully remarkable journey you've given yourself. It warms my heart to read the joy and the freedom in your words my friend. You're truly amazing---seriously one of the best.
    Your road to freedom has inspired many others and will continue to inspire many more.
    I sincerely appreciate your kind words and I'm horribly sorry to hear about Ninja-Cobra. I know you loved that cat.

    My best always and I'm proud to be on this road with you,


  2. As I read your list...I cried.
    It is me, down to the first time I ran. I was alone, there was no audience...but I ran..
    Oh, and I started my journey on May 4th. Weighed the first time on May 18th. 8 months ago today. I have lost 81 lbs. I had a real winter coat this past winter...Now it's too big.
    I can wear an xl now. Size 16. When I started, I wore a 24.
    I look at me now.
    I can walk up the stairs without getting out of breath.
    My husband was not accepting at my bigger weight either.
    As I have lost weight, our marriage has improved drastically as well.
    I despise most salads...I eat 1500 calories aday and
    MY flip switched just like that too.
    BAM! I switched.
    I saw myself as I truly was, where as every other time before I had failed.
    I was always the fattest person in the room, now I even had a whole post about going to a girl scout cookie meeting and being one of the thinnest (wait till that happens ;o)!)
    It's not mean, it just feels so good to not be the fattest. lol.

    Also I have a cat named leo.
    I am so sorry about your cat. They are a great pet.

  3. Oh WoW What a journey so far. I have followed you from the start, directed to you by Sean. I love your list and how it shows how far you have come.

    It seems a beautiful butterfly has emerged from her cocoon and is feeling the joy in everyday life. So happy for you.

    Very sorry about your cat, it's very sad.



  4. Zaa, I'm so sorry to hear about your kitty. CONGRATULATIONS on your incredible journey! I can't wait to keep reading about your progress & success!

  5. Well damn Zaa....I've followed you from the beginning and was enjoying re-reading all of those posts and how much you've progressed...and then i read that Ninja Cobra died and I just started bawling! I can't stop!! I don't know what I'd do if I ever lost my precious Scarlette. I'm so sorry...I know how very much you loved your baby kitty. On a happier note, your posts are still such a joy to read. Your progress is amazing. I love the part about never feeling deprived and never eating "diet" foods. I really love your approach and your progress proves that it can work for anyone. Keep on posting! :)

  6. There is something on my blog for you:o)

  7. Tammy told me about your blog. I'm so happy she did. I've just leaped into the unknown and decided to lose weight without giving up the foods I love. I'm sick to death of diets.

    Thanks for sharing your journey :)

  8. I am just amazed at how you chronicled so perfectly the life and struggles of the overweight. I was exactly how you described and it was a hard place to be. I love how you just detail the facts and then talk about where you will be eventually. That's so inspiring!

    I'm so sorry about your kitty. So sad.

  9. I'm starting to get worried about you blogroll says you haven't posted in 3 weeks??? Is everything ok? Please give us an update. :)

  10. Zaa...
    I know you're probably just busy, but like Tammy---I'm concerned too. is everything ok? I hope so and I have a feeling it is ok.

    My best always,

  11. Zaa...
    Where are you hunni?

    Your friends out here are getting worried, please let us know you are ok.

    Big Hugs