On May 19th I made a decision that has completely changed my life. NOTHING is the same. Let's take a look back, shall we, at some earlier observations:
WHAT I HATE ABOUT BEING FAT:
All the creases and folds in my body that get sweaty and extremely smelly
the huge underwear I have to wear
not fitting into my bra right and always bubbling out over the top
not fitting into chairs or cars or seat belts or booths without a struggle (I hate booths)
meeting people for the first time and they get this look in their eyes
This is Day 11 for me, and I boldly went to the clinic around the corner and actually weighed myself. I WEIGH 356 pounds!!!!! Those are not happy exclamation points. There was a time when seeing those numbers would have sent me spiraling down into discouragement and despair. But today, all that happened is it strengthened my determination to lose it all
I want to get up out of chair just by standing up , like normal people, instead of giving a huge heave ho, and leaning hard on something. I want to take a bath in a bathtub instead of a shower all the time. I want to wear a belt, with a tucked in button up shirt. I want pants that zip up. I want to cross my legs. I want to wear cute flirty shoes. I want to get my hair cut in a beauty salon and look GOOD. I want people to see me for who I really am, which they can't because they don't look past my fat.
Today after I got dressed I looked at myself and I look not quite as round in the middle. Came out and my daughter agreed. Caught a glimpse of myself in a mirror at WalMart and had to stop for a nice big look in that full length mirror. MY BIG FAT TOMATO MIDDLE IS NOT AS ROUND AND OMG I AM SO EXCITED!!! I have been praying for some sign, some small something to show me that what I was doing was working.
I hate meeting people for the first time and they have this look in their eyes.
I hate being the fattest person everywhere I go.
I hate my clothes.
I hate putting my life on hold because I'm too fat to do anything.
I hate what I have done to my body.
I hate that when I lose all my weight I will have saggy baggy skin everywhere that will be gross and disgusting.
Someday, I will see someone after a long absence and they will freak. Someday, I will fit into a smaller size bra and have pants that actually have a zipper in them. Someday I will look in the mirror and not see that extra flesh under my chin. Someday I will have more energy, I'll sleep better, I won't snore (I like to think I purr but everyone tells me otherwise). Someday I will walk into a room, will do my quick fatpersoncheck, and I won't be the fattest person in the room. Someday I will be a runner, me, a runner. Someday I will run a marathon.
And the big news of the day (drumroll please) I RAN. OKay okay let me create the scene for you. Me, at the park, on the path around the lake. Audience? There was none. I thought well this is the time. And I ran. For about 10 seconds. But I RAN. Then I RAN AGAIN. I had 6 little bursts of running in all. I can't believe I did it!
I feel in control of myself for the first time in literally ages.
So with all the ugliness of my life I have this bright ray of sunshine streaming through the dark clouds.
You know I don't feel fat. And I don't act fat. In fact, it's always a surprise to see myself in the mirror. Ack who is THAT!
Thankfully, once again, my doctor was alone with no patients there or waiting, so I sat down to talk to her about my bp and lo and behold I burst into tears. I told her (condensed version) everything that had been going on with my husband, words were just pouring forth along with the tears, and how I felt I was always wearing a mask, I wasn't sleeping well, and I always felt there was this black cloud with me everywhere I went, and it had been this way for YEARS. If my marriage were different, my husband treated me like a husband SHOULD, then things would be different. And guess what she said? She told me I had the classic signs of depression. Me. The cheerful happy person, depressed?
She is prescribing anti depressants for me. Me. I'm kind of freaked but you know what? I feel so relieved to find out that I'm not just this big fat lazy slob who can't get off her rear to do what she should, but there's a REASON I'm like this.
I never want to go back to being discouraged, depressed, hating myself and everything around me. Hopeless. Doomed. A prisoner. I used to think it would be so hard to lose weight. That I did not have that special something inside me. I would see the People magazines with their cover girls who lost a ton of weight with no pills or surgery! and I would think man! I wish I could do that! And lookee! I AM!!!
My sister took some pictures yesterday. And one of them was of us together, and my face didn't look as round as it used to be.
What I am looking forward to the most:
Going to World's of Fun and not worrying about if I will fit in the rides
Wearing a pair of jeans with a tshirt TUCKED IN and I look fine
Being able to run
Being able to run up the stairs
crossing my legs
having a cat fall asleep in my lap. not on my chest, my lap.
all new clothes, of course. I wonder what my style is. It's been so long since I've bought something I liked. I get whatever fits. Doesn't matter what it looks like.
owning and wearing pretty silky pajamas and robe
having an actual coat instead of a thick sweater in the winter time--I've always wanted a deep blue one.
And the best thing, watching people's reactions to my svelte self.
I had a dream last night where my daughter and I were walking along a road, holding hands. All of a sudden we started running together, and it was effortless and freeing. I began leaping as I ran and I felt so joyful. When I woke up, I was moved when I remembered it. Because if that had happened a few months ago I would have been sad, discouraged and depressed, knowing that could never happen. But now, I know it will happen. I will run with my daughter one day, and it will be effortless and I will leap and feel joyful.
I will never be able to go back to the way I was before, all blobby and fat, camped at the computer, eating all the time. Why did I type that, 'never be able'? How about I will never HAVE to go back to that way of life. I know people lose and then regain and I think that's just horrible. Having that taste of normality and throwing it all away for food. I don't ever want to be this fat again. I hate it.
This was Day 56--already many changes for me:
- hated myself
- hated everybody and everything
- ate whatever I wanted whenever I wanted however much I wanted
- was probably socking away 4000-5000 calories a day
- couldn't go up or down stairs without my knees hurting, being out of breath, and it was just plain difficult!
- was proud when I ate salads (which I despise) because they're so GOOD for you
- felt helpless, hopeless, trapped, doomed, depressed, discouraged
- I love myself
- I love others and everything. Funny what a little wellbutrin can do for you
- I eat whatever I want in controlled portions, getting just as much satisfaction as I did when I ate huge amounts
- 1500 calories is my limit
- went up and down the stairs yesterday at church (it's a HUGE staircase) with no problems whatsoever. when I got to the top I felt like cheering
- I'm proud of myself for the first time in who knows how long for taking control of my life and the food that goes into my mouth
- I feel strong, powerful, full of joy and hope, cheerful, optimistic
- I'm not giving up the incredible joy I get when I get dressed, put on makeup and fix my hair and then look at myself in the mirror. I am cute! I am trim! I like the way I look!
- I love running up and down the stairs. I do it because I CAN. It doesn't hurt my knees or my ankles or my back. It doesn't do anything. I feel so light.
- I don't snore anymore.
- I am not afraid I will break something if I fall on the snow or ice.
- I am not afraid of stairs anymore
- I never even think about using the wheelchair stall at WalMart anymore. I just go into the smaller ones without hesitation. And I never would ever be able to use those small ones, I couldn't wipe in there.
- I can sit in all booths, and tables with fixed chairs.
- My bra fits nicely.
- My underwear is so much smaller, when I was folding clothes I thought mine were my daughter's!!!!!!!
- I've lost 75 pounds. SEVENTY FIVE POUNDS. That's almost 4 20 pound bags of potatoes. And that's super heavy.
- I can run.
- I roll over in bed without almost causing an earthquake.
- My bed doesn't have a huge depression on my side anymore.
- I have a real coat, brown, with a pink lining, and I have brown gloves with a dark woven pattern on them and a scarf of many colors primarily pink and brown with long tassles and a pink headband. I LOOK CUTE.
- I have an ipod so I can listen to music while I walk.
- If I eat a cookie I don't beat myself up at all. I just stop at one. I eat half a moon pie. I eat half a piece of cheesecake. I measure my food and drink. I cook regular ordinary food for everyone and I get to eat it too. Tonight? Chicken and rice, creamed corn, salad, hot rolls with melted butter on top and jelly. Then I had half a moon pie. I LOVE MOON PIES.
- I actually see people who are bigger than me. I'm sorry if that makes me sound mean, I'm not trying to be.
- When I do see people bigger than me my heart just goes out to them. I wish I could go up and say something to them about my life and how it is different.
- My doctor is so proud of me. She told me my journey has been fun to watch.
- Everytime I see someone I haven't seen for a few months they just FREAK OUT about how I look. You're right, Sean, it never gets old.
- My marriage has completely turned around and is getting better everyday.
- My children are proud of me. They love hugging me and seeing how far they can get their arms around me today.
Please check out my blogroll to the right. These are the blogs I read faithfully. But one most important one I have to point out for you to go to:
Found another blog yesterday about a man who started at 505 pounds and has lost 170. Of course I had to go back to the beginning and read through. How encouraging! And he's doing it the way I am: eating less and exercising!
If you do nothing else, go to Day One of Sean's blog and start reading his posts. Sean was who I patterned myself after. I am here today because of Sean. He should write a book. He is one of the most inspiring weight loss super heroes you'll ever find.
Oh. One last thing. Ninja Cobra died Saturday. Ended up that he had gotten into some anti freeze somewhere in the neighborhood and it poisoned him. My heart is flat out broken. I loved that cat so very very much. He had the softest fur and he smelled so good.
R.I.P. Ninja Cobra.
Be good and have fun my friends!!!!