Day 238--I hope you've missed me I've been sick!

It's been a whopping two weeks since I last posted but I've been horribly ill. Last Monday I caught a very very bad cold that my son had. Then Wednesday we went to my Grandfather's funeral where I had most gratifying reactions to the new me. By the next day, my voice had started to go. Which the kids thought was soooooooooooo funny. Pretty much the last week I've been in bed, drooping around and moping. I'm so glad my daughter was here to run things for me. I'm on the upswing but boy is it slow recovery for some reason. Is this my age showing?!
Did not weigh last week or this week because the clinic where I weigh has been closed. I really wish I had my own scale. I did weigh myself at my Dad's last week and for some reason weighed 9 pounds less on his. I LIKE HIS SCALE. I'm kind of freaked because I know I've had more calories than 1500, but I have had a lot of juice. Maybe that's oldschool of me, but I think when you're sick you should drink juice and have lots of hot soup and rest. My poor nephews came over Saturday and I know they had a great time but I didn't cook or anything like I normally do. These last days have been kind of a blur. I hate being sick over Christmas!!!!
My husband's birthday is Saturday and it's also the last day my son will be in town before he heads back to New Mexico. So I'm making FOUR LASAGNAS for the amount of friends of Ben's that are coming. FOUR. And boy I hope that's enough.
I feel like I've done well with my eating this Christmas. I'm glad nothing is off limits, so I was able to have a cookie or a piece of candy here and there with no guilt at all.
No walking with the weather though. Last week it rained, then it iced, then it snowed, we woke up on Christmas day to snow! It was just like in the movies. I've toyed with running up and down the stairs but there's always like 10 people in the living room. Well and I'm sick too and really don't care.
Last Sunday my Grandfather passed away. The kids had finals on the day of his funeral, so I called the school and the kids took them all the day before. Talk about freaked out! They couldn't believe I did that. Why this is funny I don't know.
So then at the funeral my brother and his wife noticed I had lost weight. I must have looked like a big fat cow before. People are just so surprised that I look nice. I don't ever ever ever want to look like that again, and I don't want to BE the person that looks like that either. I would have to stop caring. I totally hate the way I was before. But gee even though nobody is ever hurtful or unkind the inside of my heart cringes. It's like I'm embarrassed that I got that heavy. I don't want people to know how much I weighed then or now. I just want to not have my weight even be a factor in my life.
So tonight, at home for the Big New Year's Eve Shindig I throw every year, there is:

• my littlest daughter
• my husband
• me
• two dogs and 3 cats

Shocking I know. Normally there's tons here but they're all up north tonight. Three are at a huge joint church lockin thing, and the other four are probably getting smashed at their own party. I hate that they drink, I really do. It seems to be such an accustomed thing in society but I feel it's wrong. I rarely drink myself. I did have one last summer at my brother's pool. Man did I feel that or what! I don't remember what it was called. Apple something?
Tonight I made biscuits and gravy. Three biscuits was 150 calories. I had one with butter and jelly and the other two with sausage gravy yummmmm. I had planned on having some chips and dip while watching a movie tonight. Now that everyone's gone and I can pick the movie I wonder what it will be. I've never seen the new Star Trek. OH Saturday night we all watched District 9 MANNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN THAT WAS A GOOD MOVIE. I totally thought wrong about everything (I must be weird or something, everybody else knew what was going on the whole time) and I was on the edge of my seat. Everybody else watched that Basterd movie with Brad Pitt but I didn't.
Oh how did I forget: my son got the whole family a flat screen 32" tv for Christmas! I have had the honor of turning it on and off once. The kids have been camped on it since! So tonight is the first night I really get to mess with it.
Oh and I know my littlest will sleep with us tonight. There is nobody else here and there is no way in heaven she will sleep upstairs by herself. Especially because everyone's been playing Left 4 Dead and she's scared of zombies now. Like seriously. Zombies. No way could that stuff ever happen. Like when my son was scared of wolves and thought they would jump THROUGH THE SECOND STORY WINDOW and eat him so he slept UNDER HIS BROTHER'S BED for weeks. Thinking logically, he felt the wolves would eat his brother and not even notice him cringing and cowering under the bed. Sad that everyone's growing up. I miss the little ones.
No weigh day til next week. I really don't care about that either. I'm glad that the numbers themselves are not important. Sometimes I feel half crazed with the freedom of losing weight in this way. I always felt it would be so strict, filled with deprivation and longings. I don't feel like I'm suffering enough to lose weight. It doesn't even feel like a diet. I still eat everything everybody else does, just smaller amounts.
I hope all of you had a wonderful Christmas, and Happy New Year! Hugs!

Day 224--Short and Sweet

I got a new coat last night, size 22/24. No, it's not blue but it's brown with a pink lining and I am hugging myself with joy. I got it for $7 at Walmart!!! I seriously thought I would be doomed to wearing layered jackets this winter. So I'm doing a happy dance. I still can't believe I fit in that size.
I remember so vividly how horrible it was to try on the largest size Walmart had, 26/28, and it was too small. Oh I hated myself then, and hated everything and everybody! Much happiness right now!
I also went to a worship team (don't know what else to call it) practice for the church I've been going to. And heading up to the stage are stairs. Yes. Stairs with no handrail. Stairs right in front where everyone can see. There was a time when I would have been so scared to go up and down them, and would have contrived all kinds of reasons NOT to go up there: it's my first practice, I am more comfortable down here, I don't want to play because I haven't practiced. Instead, I tripped up the stairs, sat on the stool in front of the keyboards and played and had a blast, and when it was over, I walked down the stairs, just like a normal person. I wasn't scared I would fall flat on my face because it was nothing to go down those steep carpeted stairs. I LOVE MY LIFE!
Really pushing the 'just say no' stuff with myself right now. I like to show that I have control over food by flat out not eating anything between meals. No gummy worms, no peanut blossom cookies, no 15 g of dark chocolate chips. It helps to remind myself that I CAN say no to food and it's perfectly alright, the world does not end. This life that I have chosen for myself is never to be about deprivation, agony, and failure. Just because I desire something doesn't mean I have to have it. Hopefully I have a long life ahead of me, and I want to spend it eating normally, healthily, enjoying the company of people around me, or the scenery.
Tonight is the elementary program at the school, tomorrow high school. Then my son comes home from the Air Force on Saturday!!!!! Yippy!!!!!!
Later all. Make wise choices!!!!!!!!! And try saying no to something. It's quite addicting.

Day 222--Lack of Money, Sickness, Struggles, yet Much Joy--and a little bit about weight loss.

I weighed on Friday but didn't post because we have the flu bug going around our house and I just haven't had the time! I lost 1 more pound which puts me at 71 pounds lost, 285 is my current weight. At this rate I'll be in my 80s before I hit 150!!!!! I'm tightening up my calories, and upping my workouts. Of course this is the perfect time of year to be losing weight, amiright? All that candy and cookies and family dinners. I'm not going to worry about it, just keep shooting for 1500 calories and having ONE, one cooky, one serving of food. Just keep those chocolate covered peanut balls FARRRR away from me! I hope my family can tell I've lost weight. After 70 pounds you'd think so but I still have a long ways to go.
My daughter is homebound now, and a teacher comes out every other day and gives her assignments, etc. I still can't get over that the school does this. Here Bekah is, so very sick, and this kind woman is giving of her own free time to be her tutor. All of my other kids want to be sick, too. Everyday someone is complaining of something and wanting desperately to stay home. Until recently that didn't work. Now we have a stomach bug zipping through the family. Started Saturday night with my littlest who felt sick all evening and I sweetly had her sleeping in my bed under the electric blanket and then SPLAT she wakes up puking ALL OVER MY BED, MY WHITE SPREAD, MY ELECTRIC BLANKET AND IT WAS PINK! She told me she had cotton candy at the birthday party she was at earlier. Sigh. Here I was at midnight washing everything. She is back in school today but my 14yo son is home. It's his turn. I wonder who's next. It better not be me!!!
My husband actually worked last week, but for less than half his normal pay. So I can't complain, because so many have so much less than we do. He is very very down and discouraged. It's hard enough to be struggling but it's Christmas, so that makes it worse for him. I haven't bought any Christmas presents yet. My church is doing an adopt-a-family thing for us and I haven't told him that either. I know it will send him spiraling even further down into depression and discouragement. They wanted my kid's Christmas lists and I gave them to them. Am I supposed to tell them no, don't do this, my husband is so proud and this will hurt him? So I haven't told anyone this is happening. My church said nobody has to know, they can work it so nobody in my family has any idea someone else helped but is that weird? Should I even care? Another sigh. We get our next allotment of food stamps on Saturday, the day my son gets here from the Air Force for 2 weeks. It's so weird having all this happen:
******Stuff That is Horrible************

• Bekah's mysterious illness that keeps getting worse. They say mono but heck it could be anything!
• stomach flu going thru the family
• no money
• skimpy work for hubby
• it's so freaking cold here, 9 degrees right now
• the dogs and cats have fleas. In the middle of winter. Go figure.
• Hubby's mother died in Oct, his dad is in a nursing home, and my daughter moved back.
• Said daughter has no job, no money, no driver's license because she had a dui and then drove while her license was suspended so lost it for a year. All I can hope is that she is learning some big life lessons.
• We are on food stamps, and medicaid for the kid's health insurance.
• I feel like a zombie. So much is happening that is not good, my head is spinning.
  
• All the kids want everything everything everything under the sun for Christmas. And make up long elaborate lists that they shove under my nose.
• The upstairs computer died and I can't figure out what happened. I hate when that happens. Someone probably downloaded some stupid game that came with a lovely trojan.
• the batteries keep getting drained in like a week in our stupid remote. Why? How? New remotes for dish cost 80 smackeroos.
  
• the tv in the sitting room does not play cable anymore and we're paying for 2 tv's.
• I really miss my Mom. She's been gone 6 years. The grief is not strong like it used to be, it just comes out of nowhere. No way on earth would I ever want her back, suffering. But still.
  
• I have no coat. Actually I shouldn't list this with the Stuff That is Horrible List because the reason I have no coat is because my old one is too big! Yes, that huge red monstrosity of a circus tent has been banished. I wish I could burn it. So I have to wear several layers when I go anywhere, including 2 jackets layered, hat, scarf, and gloves. I look quite rotund but it works. Nothing can penetrate 6 layers of clothing!!!!

Okay. Now for something completely different.
*******Things That are Wonderful********

• I'm still losing weight, walking, counting calories, measuring my food. I admit that I'm not perfect. Twice I've had a chocolate double malt at Sonic. But the important thing is that is the exception, not the rule, and NEVER NEVER GIVE UP. I don't care how horrible I think I'm doing. This is the most weight I've ever lost. I don't want to do what I always do--stop caring and gain it all back plus more. I never want to be 350 pounds again. Ever. I hated myself so much.
• We have a little bit of money for bills.
• Our home is warm, everyone has plenty of blankets for their bed.
• My washing machine and dryer work.
• A friend gave me a freezer. I know! She kept it in her barn and it looks like a freezer that has been kept in a barn but it works. We cleaned all the goose poo off, the chest door is completely covered in rust but we cleaned it too, scrubbed the entire outside, and tada! Instant freezer!
• When we got the freezer, I had to crawl *yes crawl* into the truck to pull the dolly while everyone else pushed it in. Then. Then when it was in and strapped I put my hand on the side of the truck and I JUMPED OUT OF THE TRUCK and I DIDN'T BREAK AN ANKLE, FALL FLAT ON MY FACE OR ANYTHING!!!!!!! I haven't jumped out of a truck for about 15 years, maybe even more. I can't believe I did that.
• My cat Ninja Cobra was at the vet's for a week but he is all better. I just love him so much.
  
• Walking home from the clinic last week I jumped over a muddy ditch. Jumped.
  
• My grocery store is selling moon pies again. I love moon pies. Half of one is 150 calories. Yum. A whole one with 1 cup of milk is 400 calories. Yes, I have had that as a meal a couple of times. I really love moon pies.
• My Dad works on computers, so I can take my fried one to him and he will fix it for free. I really love my Daddy.
• We have food stamps. Yes, I listed it twice. I hate it yet I love it. I am so glad we qualify for them. Our monthly allotment is $1100. I hope everyone wants food for their Christmas presents because that very well may be what they get.
• I know without a shadow of a doubt that 'Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and cometh down from the Father of lights'

May it be said of us 'How that in a great trial of affliction the abundance of their joy and their deep poverty abounded unto the riches of their liberality.' I don't talk about my faith in this blog because it's about my weight loss. So don't freak. I just have a lot to be thankful for.
This time next year my life will be so different. Stay strong my fellow weight loss superheros. The prize is before our eyes!

Day 213--How can one life have so much going on?

So I weighed yesterday and I've lost 2 more pounds, bringing my total to 70 pounds lost. It pleases me that during this ohsobusy time of my life that the weight is still slowly melting away. The weather has been holding steady at around 20 degrees yet I have discovered that if you're dressed warmly, walking in the cold is very exhilarating. Incredible! I can't believe I just typed that. I must say that when I pictured my life in the future it did NOT include taking walks in the bitter cold. I admit I feel a tiny bit virtuous that I get all bundled up and GO. The cold wind on my face does not reach the rest of me. It's actually fun. I really typed that sentence too. My whole life exercise and weight loss were HARD and DIFFICULT and TORTUROUS and DEPRIVATION and PRETTY MUCH HORRIBLE. But the truth is completely opposite and I would never have believed anyone if they had told me that. I really love walking. And I don't care how long it takes me to walk or if I'm walking *fast* or if I'm pushing myself. I always had dreams of being out there, enjoying the weather and the birds and the trees and kitties chasing stuff in the grass. I enjoy myself. Oh and the c25K thing. I downloaded it to the ipod my brother in law gave me and I can't find it. Oh, it's there when I hook it up to Itunes but when I'm outside ready to roll I can't find it. No podcast shows up anywhere. It's quite frustrating.
I remember feeling horrified in years past when I would read or hear the words 'To lose weight you must eat less and exercise more.' Okay that sounds awful, especially when coupled with 'It's best to lose 1-2 pounds a week.' When you have a lot to lose, you want it gone NOW, not 3 years from now amiright? But I could not, absolutely could not stick with the stupid diets that some sadistic moron came up with. Maybe it worked for THEM but why did they decide to write a book and tell everyone they have to lose it THEIR way? I love grapefruit but not everyday.
I love moon pies, and chocolate covered pretzels, and chili dogs, and cupcakes, and pancakes with sausage and orange juice, and lucky charms, and pizza, and cheeseburgers with fries, oh and chocolate double malts yummmmmmm. How wonderful, how delightful, how joyful that I can still eat all that stuff and they're loaded with fat and salt and sugar and taste so delicious and the weight still goes away! I eat ALMOST the same way I did before----the only difference is I eat less. Yes, the dreaded less word. I have found to my joy that a little bit of something is just as good as a lot of something. The goal of my life is NOT to stuff myself repeatedly over the day. There are plenty of times that I am super duper hungry and I tear into my food like a fiend but it's nothing like it was before. Like Friday. My husband and I were at a bank for a couple of hours opening up bank accounts, transferring funds, blah blah blah and when we left it was 2:00 and I was quite simply famished. We went to McDonald's, the dreaded place where nobody in their right mind who wants to lose weight would go. And I had a McDouble and fries and water and I demolished my food in a very short time and it was GOOD.
When I was at my highest weight, I found to my horror that I could not have anything I wanted except for more food. I could always have more food. But I could not have clothes that I liked, or sit in any chair that I wanted, or buckle seat belts around my body. I could eat until I was stuffed, though, and always have room for more. How thankful I am that my life has changed! How filled with joy I am!
How different my life is after losing just 70 pounds. I have so much energy, I run up and down the stairs, I even jumped over a ditch! Me!
My encouragement to anyone who reads this is this:

Don't give up, ever.
No matter what.
Don't set up stupid diet rules that are sure to be broken and will fill you with crushing defeat.
Don't deprive yourself of anything.
Learn to say no to food when you're not hungry. It's so shocking to find out you can do that and the world still spins on its axis!
If you want chocolate icecream for breakfast, measure out your portion and eat it! Then count those calories.
Always check the calories and portion sizes of the foods you eat.
Just have one.
One hotdog.
One cookie.
One serving.
And join me and all the others who have discovered that losing weight can be joyous, freeing, empowering.

Okay so now for all the junk in my life.
First off, my daughter Bekah is now officially homebound and a teacher comes to our house everyday and does her school with her. Let me say that this is the most wonderful thing on the planet. She isn't too thrilled but she just can't go to school, she's physically unable. She tried a half day on Monday but oh was she sick when she got home and so PALE. I love our school. Everyone is so stinking nice about this. Do you know how homebound kids do P.E.? There is a P.E. book, yes, I didn't know that either, and she has to write essays about what she reads in that book. Her teacher is really nice and pretty and when she's here all my other kids are just hovering around the room. I told her there was no way on earth this house was going to ever be quiet with all the kids and dogs running around and I'll do my best to keep them under control.
My cat Ninja Cobra is back at the vets and has been there since Monday. His horrible abcess burst, the quarter size scab fell off and was probably eaten by one of my dogs. But then another abcess began forming right above the original one. And he had a fever again. So I took him back and they said they'll keep him so they can clean out the infection and I'm so glad because it was oozing so disgustingly. But I sure miss him. I hope he doesn't die.
My husband still has no work. Tough times.
My son in New Mexico will be here in two weeks. I cannot wait! Funny, when he's here it's like he never left. I am so proud of my son--he's an air traffic controller in the air force.
My son Sam was goofing around in Science class with his friends and electrocuted his best friend with a wire and left a welt and got in school suspension for it. Along with all of his friends. They had the best time. Then that day he had a detention, then he had Saturday school, and he has a detention on Tuesday. Sigh. I just love that kid. Hopefully some day he will realize that following the rules is a good thing. Are we punishing him at home? Well my husband beat him with a 2x4 and then he held him down and I burned him with a cigarette. I'm kidding! No we are not punishing him, isn't he getting punished enough at school? I tell him that he's going to keep getting in trouble until he decides to do the work assigned him. The electrocution thing wasn't malicious so I'm not really worried. Just keep him away from fire. 14 year old boys and fire are a horrible mix.
Let's see. I haven't read any good books lately.
I've been busy putting zillions of songs on my ipod!!!! How did I live without this thing?! I put it on shuffle and oh it is wonderful! Queen, Billy Joel, Little River Band, ELO, Styx, Rush, Barry Manilow, Bette Midler, soundtrack from Once which I just ADORE, Dream Theatre, Verve Pipe, Alan Parsons, Deep Purple, David Bowie, Supertramp, the Moody Blues. I am now an ipod nerd with my white earbud cord coming up from under my shirt. It's heaven I tell you. Heaven!
With my husband being home everyday (I typed that with much kindness and love. Really.) he has decided that he wants coffee in the morning. Have I mentioned that I hate the smell of coffee? It is vile. If I was pregnant I would be puking extra hard because of it.
So there you have it, Zaababy in a nutshell.
Never give up folks. Never surrender. We can do it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!