Short but not sweet

This isn't technically a post. Just a quick rundown of a horrible day.

1. My son and his wife went for a sonogram yesterday and found out they have a molar pregnancy. They are having it removed this morning at 7:30 . So heartache all around.
2. My mother-in-law died of a heart attack this morning at 2:15. My daughter took her to the hospital yesterday because of chest pains. No one was with her when she died.
   
3. Two of my sons have the same math teacher, who called me yesterday to tell me how poorly they are doing in her class. When a teacher goes out of her way to call you you know its not going to be because they're getting straight A's.
   

So yeah pretty much it's bad all around right now. Individually, they would be tough. But together? Phone calls in the night. Never a good thing.
Tough days at Zaa's house.
And this is how horrible I am. Everyone under the sun is going to be coming to the funeral and in my heart I'm so glad I've lost 62 pounds and look much better. I can't wait for my fat to no longer be a factor in my life.
Hug me? And pray for me.

Day 159--Weigh Day, Deep Thoughts, another anniversary, it's all good!

So first off, I weighed today at the clinic. I'm doing it weekly now and I like that very much for some reason. I lost 3 more pounds for a total of 62 pounds gone and I weigh 294. Okay I think that deserves a ton of exclamation points.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I mean WOW seriously! Me! I still can't believe I keep losing. I keep expecting for it to all be a fluke, that one day it just won't work anymore. But it does. What am I doing? I walk everyday. I eat 1500 calories. I watch my portion sizes. And that's all she wrote folks.
My 5 month anniversary was Monday. Five months! And my birthday is tomorrow. So I think a little looking back AND forward is in order!!!!
*******Looking Back*******
I was pretty much a normal kid, normal home, nothing weird. I was thin but I wasn't as thin as my cousin Dawn. I remember when she hit 100 pounds and we were all so freaked because she had NEVER weighed that much. So I marched merrily through elementary school and junior high not really thinking about being fat. Until. I hit puberty. I started getting some curves at the age of 14 and I noticed it mostly in my thighs. My Mom announced that I had thunder thighs. And so my life changed. I was fat. It didn't matter that I wore a size 12. I look at those old pictures and cannot believe I thought I was fat. But I did. I got married when I was 19, and my husband thought I was overweight. And I weighed 140 pounds. My first pregnancy got me up to 178 total. I lost down to 150, but just a few months later got pregnant again. I got up to 190, and then hovered between 170 and 190 for a few years. When I had my 3rd child, I hit 200 and have never been under 200 since--that was 20 years ago. With each child I gained and kept that weight. Oh, sometimes I would 'have to do something about my weight' and I would count fat grams--some ridiculously small amount, I think 10 grams of fat per day--whoever made THAT diet up was a sadistic pig--or start an exercise program that I would just as quickly abandon--I took Metabolife and lost 40 pounds, but then I got pregnant with baby #6 and gained it all back and more--lost 50 pounds with weighdown but me and starvation do not mix, I gained all that back and more--Eventually I just gave up--why even look at calorie information? It didn't even matter, I couldn't lose weight, I had no self-control, I was weak, inconsistent, gross, disgusting, a fat piggy slob. I seriously thought that about myself, and it pains me to actually type this out for the eyes of others.
******The Last Year*********
This year has been an incredible year for me. It started out with all kinds of negatives in my life: morbidly obese, horrible marriage, I was depressed and didn't even know it, grief over the loss of my Mother (miss you Mom), and yeah, that was pretty much my life. Then on May 19th, everything changed. And all I said was 'okay'. Okay, I will lose this weight. I was totally being led gently along, and found Dietgirl first, then Sean's Blog . I decided to pattern myself after him, eating 1500 calories a day and exercising daily, which for me ended up being walking since I do not have easy access to a gym. As time went on, I tweaked his method a bit for me. I wasn't counting my calories so much. I weighed and measured my food, sticking to serving sizes. I discovered that I LOVE cookie dough, but can pass on the cooked cookie. So when I make cookies I have a few tastes of dough and it hits that spot and I'm done. I learned to indulge those little cravings right away, before they become BIG cravings. I discovered that it wasn't strictly the numbers, it was the portion sizes. I found that I could eat absolutely anything I wanted, no foods were forbidden, and thus had to rewire my brain that there are no "good and bad" foods. I mean seriously, am I never going to have another hot dog for the rest of my life? Who can live like that? Everyone says it, so I will too: I'm changing my life, I'm not on a diet. And I can absolutely live like this. People look at me like I'm crazy when I say I'm having fun, but I am! This is! Fun! I would not be saying that if I couldn't eat pizza, regular old fatty pepperoni cheese laden pizza, or gooey chocolate cake, or crisp bacon, or spicy saucy tacos and burritos. I remember my brother-in-law telling me that moderation is the key. He said that many years ago. And how true that is.
***********The Future*********
I turn 48 tomorrow. I cannot believe I have lived this long and this life is what I have to show for it. I have been so busy raising my kids and now I turn around and say 'where have the years gone?' Those years NOT filled with towel popping fights with my kids, playing frisbee with my kids, getting down on the floor and PLAYING with my kids, running and bike riding. I am not that woman anymore. Something has changed in my heart, and I am no longer the same. Someone once said that the only way they would gain the weight back was if they just stopped caring. I never want to stop caring. I think that being so enormous and restricted gives me a better appreciation of losing the weight. Who would think someone would be so thrilled to weigh 294 pounds? But I am. I want to keep walking/running. I want to keep a watch over how much I eat. This journey that I am on is much different than I thought it would be. I had no idea that it would change my entire life. But it has. When I read my earlier posts I know it's me but it seems so far away, that other Zaa. I wonder how much I will weigh on my 49th birthday. I am gaining confidence in myself. I have more energy and stamina. I can run. I can run up the stairs. I can fit easier into chairs. I don't feel tired all the time. The goal of my life is not to stuff myself, but to enjoy my food. Which I do. I am eating slower without even thinking about it, because the food tastes so stinking good. Sometimes I find myself ravenous which is odd since I eat about 5-6 times a day. And man when I am ravenous I tear into my food and don't feel guilty at all. I don't feel embarrassed to go to McDonald's with my daughter because I order the dollar menu fries and mcdouble and water and it just hits that spot you know? Every once in a while you just need some hot fries amiright? So why did I label this part the future? I don't know since I haven't really been saying anything about the future!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

THE FUTURE STARRING ZAABABY:
She's thin, healthy, and runs like the wind!
See the wind whip her hair madly as she darts around!
Watch as she prepares normal food and eats with her family at dinner time instead of some weirdo freaky gross food fixed seperately from everyone's else and making it look obvious that she is on a 'diet'!
Listen as she goes on and on about how many calories are in what you are eating!
Limited seating, please call for ticket prices.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Okay so there, I talked about the future.

So my life is good. I have to show you this from an earlier post:
Day 11: WHAT I HATE ABOUT BEING FAT:
All the creases and folds in my body that get sweaty and extremely smelly-
the huge underwear I have to wear-
not fitting into my bra right and always bubbling out over the top-
not fitting into chairs or cars or seat belts or booths without a struggle (I hate booths)-
meeting people for the first time and they get this look in their eyes-
going swimming and coming out of the water and the weight just HITS ME SO HARD-
not having the energy to do anything, even walking daily is a chore-
I can never wear a belt or tuck in my shirts-
I can't run or play frisbee with my kids on the front lawn-
I never take them swimming or to amusement parks or camping or anything and I SAY it's because we don't have the money but the real reason is because I can't do those things myself because I'm fat-
my clothes are old and ugly and stretched out from years of use and I hate them
Wow.

And this:
I hate being fat.
I hate meeting people for the first time and they have this look in their eyes.
I hate being the fattest person everywhere I go.
I hate my clothes.
I hate putting my life on hold because I'm too fat to do anything.
I hate what I have done to my body.
I hate that when I lose all my weight I will have saggy baggy skin everywhere that will be gross and disgusting.
I used hate a lot back then. I really hated myself.
Someday, I will see someone after a long absence and they will freak. Someday, I will fit into a smaller size bra and have pants that actually have a zipper in them. Someday I will look in the mirror and not see that extra flesh under my chin. Someday I will have more energy, I'll sleep better, I won't snore (I like to think I purr but everyone tells me otherwise). Someday I will walk into a room, will do my quick fatpersoncheck, and I won't be the fattest person in the room. Someday I will be a runner, me, a runner. Someday I will run a marathon.
Who would have thought I would have my someday today? Because all of that has happened except for the marathon part and the pants with a zipper.
Gee I guess I could just keep copying and pasting but I'm sure most of you have stopped reading by now. I do tend to blather on aimlessly don't I?
Oh, my blood pressure was 130/80 today.
Tomorrow is my birthday.

Day 152--Weigh Day and yes, your eyes are not deceiving you, this IS an extremely short post

When I weighed last week, I found myself at 300 which was agony to be so close and yet so far to the 200's. Went in today and weighed and I lost 3 more pounds making it a total of 59 pounds lost and I now weigh 297!!!! I have not weighed below 300 since my last daughter was a baby, 9 years ago. This is truly a momentous event for me. I forgot to have them take my blood pressure I was so excited. (I weigh at the clinic around the street) All the nurses are so happy for me. And I am happy for me too!
Today is homecoming in my little town. We had the parade this afternoon with free hotdogs, pop and kettle corn. It was fun and I loved seeing my kids in it. Tonight is the game, of course, and everyone is going and for some reason I want to take a nap.
This is an incredibly short post but I have a zillion things to do and I couldn't wait another moment to share my news. Have a great day folks!

Day 150--No lists in this post, nope. Seriously! and my top secret method for losing weight !!!

Well what a week I've had. Many firsts so I present to you another list in a long line of lists.
*****The beginning of my interesting summation*****

• I went with my daughter to a big marching band thing on Saturday. I then proceeded to not only walk all over a college campus, I also walked in a 5 mile parade. Me. And I will not lie, my leg muscles were sore the next day but I did it without much trouble. Okay, 56 pounds ago, I wouldn't have even GONE with my daughter. See how fat has controlled my life?
  
• I leaped over a muddy ditch. Feels weird even to write that. I haven't leaped for oh lets say YEARS. And I didn't trip, or slip and kill myself, or have my ankle turn under me or anything. Oddly enough, this is the thing I'm most thrilled about.
• I am wearing crew socks that are PULLED UP and not folded down around my ankle.
• Every day I love now. Even ones that could technically be classified as bad. My body is changing so pleasantly, as compared to before when I could only helplessly watch as I grew out of all my clothes and more and more unable to perform the simplest tasks without great effort. I joy in how the shower feels so big and roomy. I revel in the selection of clothes I have--no more being worried if a shirt is going to be long enough to hide my stomach, or how tight my pants are, or how my obscenely large breasts bubble over the top of my bra. And then after I'm dressed, I strike a pose for my mirror and my heart leaps with happiness. I can remember countless days when I never even looked in a mirror.
• Stairs don't freak me out like they used to. I avoided stairs as much as possible. Going up and down them was such torture. Now I just walk up and down them. There would be months at a time that I wouldn't even go upstairs in my own house. Okay typing that looked very sad.
  
• Yesterday was my son's birthday AND Day 2 of homecoming week at the high school. So I not only had all my extra cooking for the bday dinner but my daughter had signed me up to make two pans of chocolate caramel brownies for her float site AND I ended up having to deliver them in the cold rain to the said site. Where I am thankful to say those teenagers devoured them in about 10 seconds. I love when everyone loves what I bake. Okay so anyways, I made my son's favorite dinner that he asked for: tuna casserole, green beans, monkey bread and devilled eggs, with peanut butter brownies and butterfinger icecream for dessert. I didn't have any dough on hand so I made the roll dough for the monkey bread. See my point of this long and drawn out thing is that I actually did all that stuff and it wasn't strenuous at all. Which is in complete contrast to my performing the simplest of cooking duties and having to lay on the bed for a while to rest. I guess I'm getting more stamina? Helps to not have 56 more pounds to haul around all day. (besides my own crew of 8 our guests were: my daughter who is living with my in-laws, my nephew who just happened to be passing through, and 4 friends of my son.)
  
• My king size bed used to feel small. Now it's just so big, I have lots of room on my side. This stuff just always makes me marvel.
• We've had a ton of cold rain lately, it smells like worms outside which I HATE WITH A PASSION when it smells like worms, temps have dropped dramatically and the trees are gorgeous.
  
• We have a new kitten. Yes, I know, I'm a sucker for cats, we all are. The kids were outside playing Ghosts in the Graveyard and found this kitten. Skin and bones folks, this thing was like a sack of skin with bones poking out everywhere. Poor thing! But lots of food and loves and kisses have done wonders. His name is Michael Finnigan. Which goes quite well with our other two cats: Ninja Cobra and Elora Dannan. He's a long haired tiger and quite possibly the cutest kitten I've ever seen in my life.
• I gathered up every single sock in this house, washed them all, and then SORTED THEM. Okay you have to understand how much I hate socks. I could go on and on in minute detail about it but I will spare you and just remind you I have 8 children. This is one chore I have had hanging over my shoulders for ever so long. I decided I was just sick of it and mad at myself and just did it. Wow I just did it, after dreading it for so long and it wasn't bad at all. I'm making a list of everything I am sick of around here, housewise.
• Everyone--okay literally--everyone is happy for me as I lose weight. All of my family, my kid's friends, people at church, okay not strangers but you know what I mean. Kind of makes me feel a bit weird that they're so glad because I was so obese before and I was hoping nobody noticed. I love being in the spotlight anyways, this is just icing on the cake.
  

**Yes, I'm done*******

When I decided to lose weight on May 19th, I had a hazy idea of how it would be: deprivation, sore muscles, years of horribleness, and finally happiness when I hit my goal. I am amazed that I am enjoying it all as much as I am. Since I can eat anything I want, I feel no deprivation. (Portioned folks, don't have a heart attack) Yes the muscles were sore at first and still do get that way at times depending on my activity but it's not as big a deal as I thought it would be. The horribleness? There hasn't been any. It's not horrible to weigh and measure my food. It makes me feel good to do that. It's not horrible to take a lovely walk at all. I look forward to it. It's not horrible to smile at myself in the mirror. It's not horrible to have people stop me in the grocery store and say Have you lost weight? I almost didn't recognize you! After just 56 pounds incredible! Oh yes I have discovered the top secret method for losing weight.

DON'T GIVE UP.
EVER.

There. Even if I think I 'mess up' in some stupid way I just keep on. I don't decide to throw the day to the wind and eat whatever I want just because I took a taste of brownie batter. Every time I've lost weight I would nervously wait for the moment when I would do one thing wrong. Because see I had to be perfect to lose weight, and perfectly follow the diet rules: no fat or sugar in my food, lots of vegetables and fruits and cottage cheese and yogurt and chicken breasts daily exercise and NO cookies, brownies, hotdogs, Lucky Charms, Captain Crunch, 2% milk, cheeseburgers, potato chips and NO missing one day of exercise ever for any reason. If I put one toe out of line well that was it, I was a failure, I can't do this, I'm going to be fat for the rest of my life, and pretty much it was all done right then.
Having everyone know I'm losing weight instead of my normal top secret method helps a whole lot. I am changing how I live, and not just being 'good' for certain amount of time.
Okay so happy autumn folks. My birthday is in 10 days. I have been asking for an ipod but I'm pretty sure it won't happen. Money only stretches so far amiright? Hugs to all of you who read this far!

Day 143--Early weigh day, 25 weird questions and much rambling like I always do

So I had to weigh today. I had to. Last weekend on my women's retreat I decided to just not freak out about the food I was eating and give myself extra calories. There was no way I was going to be able to figure out some of that stuff, I mean I could guess but still. And I wanted to taste all those different cheeses at the very famous Osceola Cheese Store place and not worry about the calories, I mean seriously, I have never even been to a place like that before. And then I went to Sonic on Wednesday and had a foot long chili dog and fries. I was just so hungry for one if you can believe that! I didn't think I could wait a whole week to see what damage, if any, I did to my weight. So I weighed today and guess what. I lost 2 pounds since last Thursday. And it's not like I 'cheated' because I still watched my portion sizes and so I guess that's the secret isn't it? I AM SO CLOSE TO THE 200'S I CAN'T BELIEVE IT!!! Agony to weigh 300 pounds exactly. Next week I'll be under it I know I know I can feel it.
It rained for 24 hours straight here. And now all the trees are changing and it is beautiful. I'm so looking forward to my walk today. Tonight my daughter has 3 friends spending the night because tomorrow they AND ME have to be at the school by 5:30 in the MORNING to get on the bus and head to a big marching band competition thingy. I am a chaperone. I am going to be one tired chaperone. And can you imagine 4 girls and me trying to get ready and out the door by 5:30 in the MORNING? It's gonna be horrible.
THEN tomorrow night my son is celebrating his 14th birthday (on Tuesday) with some boys to sleep over. Sigh. So I have to have my dinner for tomorrow all planned out because I know sure as shootin I will not feel like doing a whole lot when I get home. And I have to have my dinner for tonight ready because I have been cleaning this house from ceiling to cellar for all these people who are coming over AND their mothers who will be coming into my home and looking at everything.
Okay so I've been getting lovely awards from other people and there are rules people. Yes, there are rules for giving and receiving blogger awards. And I have broken them all. So here is my feeble attempt to follow at least ONE of the rules and answer 25 questions with one word. Do you know how hard this is?
********Beginning of 25 questions*******

1. Where is your cell phone? menogot

2. Your hair? short

3. Your mother? gone :-(

4. Your father? helpful

5. Your favorite food? chocolate

6. Your dream last night? long

7. Your favorite drink? milk

8. Your dream/goal? normality

9. What room are you in? bedroom

10. Your hobby? gaming

11. Your fear? dark

12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? alive

13. Where were you last night? Lifeteam

14. Something that you aren’t? mean

15. Muffins? stud

16. Wish list item? ipod

17. Where did you grow up? kcmo

18. Last thing you did? walked

19. What are you wearing? clothes

20. Your TV? irritating

21. Your pets? smelly

22. Friends? few

23. Your life? full

24. Your mood? happy

25. Missing someone? Mom :-(

26. Vehicle? George!!!!!!!!!

27. Something you’re not wearing? bikini

28. Your favorite store? Walmart

29. Your favorite color? purple

30. When was the last time you laughed? now

31. Last time you cried? lastnight

32. Your best friend? sister

33. One place that I go to over and over? bathroom

34. One person who emails me regularly? keylogger

35. Favorite place to eat? home
***********End************
Life is good. I really really like the way I feel. And how I look. OH I forgot, I tried on absolutely every single item of clothing I have, stuff that was buried in my closet, items my sister gave me, everything. And it's like I have a whole new wardrobe!!! You should just SEE my closet. Normally there is nothing hanging on the hangars on my side of the closet. Nothing. You see, when you are extremely heavy and don't go anywhere and all your clothes are horribly stained and stretched out whats the point of having a clean closet? It's another one of those spots that go to pot because noone is taking care of it. I have no room for my shoes, stuff is all over, all the shelves are full of junk it's crazy. So now my closet looks lovely and I'm excited!
So yes life is good. I love the energy I have. I love the foods I eat. I made one cookie yesterday. One. Like a weirdo. But I knew if I made more I would eat them! I never buy cookie dough, ever, but the tollhouse ones were on sale, the chocolate lovers and the peanut butter lovers ones that are premade, you know? My son is home today and he wants some and I said how many and he said I don't know and I said you better give me a number that you know for sure you are going to eat because no way do I want extra cookies lying around they are THAT GOOD. So he said 3. THEN he said no 2. So. Two it is!
Be good folks.

Day 138--I'm Back! and more things in list form that are different

I had a lovely time this weekend. I got to my sister's Thursday evening and came home this afternoon. It was so wonderful to have a vacation like that. The bus ride was fun (it wasn't a school bus, it was a church bus), the women were all nice and fun, and I'm so glad I went.
So. Some things happened over the weekend that are new so here is another one of Zaa's famous lists:

• I sat down on the curb with my sister while she put another nail in her coffin but I didn't want to sit down on the curb because I can never get UP from the curb after I sit DOWN on the curb. But I did because my sister said yes she thought I could get up from the curb. Guess what. I got up from the curb all by myself like a normal person. I did not have to get on my HANDS AND KNEES and THEN stand up like the last time because there was no way I could ever get up on my own and sure as heck nobody could PULL me up. So then I hugged my sister like a deranged idiot in the hotel parking lot. I think she's used to it by now.
• I ran down my sister's hall.
  
• I ran up her stairs.
• I walked down her outside steps that have no guard rail just like normal, not one at a time with baby steps. I love this one.
  
• My sister lent me a pair of socks and they were crew socks and normally I fold down any and every sock because I haven't been able to pull up socks around my calves for years but this time I thought hmmmm and tried to pull them up to see if I could pull them up and I pulled them up over my calves! Well that just blew me away.
  
• While carrying all of my junk (my suitcase, duffel bag, purse, Bible and conference bag and that doesn't sound heavy but man it was!) we went up and down flights of stairs. I would never have been able to do that before losing weight. And once there were a ton of women waiting for the elevator so my sister and I took the stairs instead. And it was not even harder than walking I could not believe it. I had a few heavy breaths after the second floor but that was all. No red face. No fear of a heart attack or stroke. Didn't even feel heavy to raise each leg up to the next stair, it used to always be so hard because my legs were so HEAVY
• We went to Wendy's for lunch and I fit in the booth with lots of room to spare. Are all booths the same size? Am I just miraculously going to specific restaurants that have larger than normal booths? It makes eating out doubly fun to not have my breasts hanging out over the table because the table is jammed into my midsection and I can't breathe and the food tray takes up all the room on the table instead of right before me because I can't put it there because my breasts are there. Can I get an amen?
• We went to a cheese store which I guess is really famous but I never heard of it before and they had chocolate fudge cheese and what a blasphemy it is to put cheese and chocolate together some things do not belong together. Well I guess this isn't something new but it was so grody. They had apples and cinnamon cheese and blueberry cheese I mean come on who thinks up this stuff? They were grody too. But I loved the 5 year aged sharp cheddar cheese. Sharp is my fav. Oh I guess I should mention that for every type of cheese in their store they have a small tub with that kind of cheese cut into chunks right there so you can taste it.
  
• I am ashamed and giddy in equal proportions from seeing women who were fatter than me at the conference. I can't even remember the last time that happened. In fact, I remember the first time I realized I was the fattest person in the room. It was at my nephew's wedding and we were all being posed for a picture and I was just casually looked around and noticed that everyone was slender and I was the only fat person there. Because I weighed over 300 pounds even back then. And everywhere I went I started really looking and discovered to my horror that I was almost always the fattest person everywhere I went: church, Walmart, the Walmart bathroom, Thriftway, family dinners, lunch with friends. I did every once in a blue moon see someone bigger than me and I was insanely glad and immediately felt better about myself. See, I could always be bigger! I hadn't reached the biggest size yet so I was okay!
  
• Many trips to the public bathrooms at the church and always took the regular stalls with a bit of trepidation but towards the end never even worried about it: I always fit. Me. On a regular basis fitting into a regular stall with room to spare and no trouble wiping at all. This is one of the things that thrills me the most but I can't tell everyone in my life about it because it's kind of gross you know? I can tell you because I don't even know if that many people even see this blog! I'm anonymous.
• Oh I'm officially 'out' on Facebook! My son wanted pics of my hair so my daughter and I traipsed outside and I posed by the big elm tree in the corner of our yard. She plainly put on the pics that I had lost 54 pounds, that I was the 'new and improved Zaababy'. Everyone and their brother saw them and commented everyone is so nice. So now I am even more accountable than I was before because now everyone knows! I hope noone says to me 'are you supposed to eat that?' You know, this being accountable stuff is kind of weird and scary but I think I like it. Wait who said that!

I never want to forget what it was like for me at my biggest. How I could not maneuver through a room without bumping into things; how I couldn't go up or down steps without a huge amount of difficulty; I always had spilled food on my shirt--always--it was the family joke; I hated myself; how I felt that everyone around me was always thinking how disgusting I was; how I used to feel: depressed, down, discouraged, sad, sometimes suicidal, lazy, apathetic, hopeless; all of my dreams for life were unattainable because I was too fat to achieve any of them; I wouldn't go to public pools or amusement parks or any kind of park or anywhere where walking was required because I just physically couldn't do it except for the pool where I refused to go because no way on earth was I going to put on a bathing suit and let everyone at the pool see me in my bathing suit and I was not going to sit in a chair on the side of the pool reading a book while my family had fun without me; I would wake up in the morning and say to myself 'I hate everybody and everything' isn't that awful? I find it helpful to reread my posts every once in a bit, starting from the beginning. It's weird to read them and remember how it was for me back then. Already I'm forgetting about the agony of the bathroom stalls. One time I had to wipe standing up and I still couldn't reach everything. Sorry that was gross right?
Okay so I got this nifty award for being honest and one of the rules I guess is I have to tell 10 things that you do not know about myself. So here we go:

1. I play the piano and guitar
2. My Dad was in special ops while I was a kid and we got to travel to and live in Taiwan and Singapore. We moved to the states permanently when I was 9.
3. I didn't go to Kindergarden. When we lived in Taiwan I was 5 and went to school but went right into 1st grade. I was always the youngest in my class.
4. I love to cook.
5. I hate to clean.
6. I have seen every sex in the city episode a jillion times and I want to be Carrie
7. I have never bought a lottery ticket.
8. I can still remember how to write in shorthand. I learned how over 25 years ago. Weird too, I never even use it.
9. I do not drink alcohol. At all. It tastes disgusting. Which is good, because I probably would have become an alcoholic
10. I used to smoke cigarettes. I started when I was 18 and quit them cold turkey February 4th at 2:30 pm 18 years ago. I celebrate every year.
    

And there you have it folks. I am so tired tonight. I wish I didn't have to get up so early tomorrow! Have a great night.

Day 135--Early weigh day and I am going to a woman's retreat

Zipped up to the clinic and weighed. I lost 3 more pounds which makes the grand total of 54 pounds lost, gone forever. Of course it would have been thrilling to actually go beneath the 300 mark but I will next time I'm sure. I now weigh 302 pounds.
I also got my hair colored today. Yes, I gave myself my Ilost50pounds reward. Also got it cut shorter. I'm so excited I can't believe I actually had the guts to do this. I have never done this before. Not sure what everyone will say but I LOVE IT!
I am leaving tonight to spend the night with my sister then early tomorrow we are heading off to a woman's retreat with her church. Okay I have not spent the night away from home since my Mother (miss you Mom) was dying 6 years ago and I spent every moment I could with her. Those overnights were not necessarily fun. But this will be!
*******Quick signs that make Zaa's heart beat fast*****

• I put my shoes and socks on while standing up. And I didn't fall over! And I didn't lose my balance.
  
• I used the normal sized stall at WM today and I fit excellently and it wasn't until I was wiping (sorry to be grody but oh well) that I realised I was having no problem whatsoever. None.
  
• I got down on the floor to scrub up dog vomit--fun I know--and it didn't hurt my knees to be down there AND when I got up it was so incredibly easy I could not believe it. I had to get back down and come back up again just to see if I could!
• I didn't get out of the hair place til super late and had to zip home to get my daughter from school. I did not one time while I was there think about food. But when I got home I was famished and had some lunch. Okay so why is this in the list? Because there was a time when I would have made darn sure that I ate beFORE I got my hair done so I wouldn't waste away while getting my hair done. Or at least zipped through a drive thru and ate on the way home, who cares if I'm a little late to pick up my daughter I'm hungry!

***********I'm done********
And I really am done, I have zillions of things still that I need to pack before I can leave and I haven't even THOUGHT about dinner.
Exciting days folks. Many changes for Zaababy. Hugs to you all!