Day 159--Weigh Day, Deep Thoughts, another anniversary, it's all good!

So first off, I weighed today at the clinic. I'm doing it weekly now and I like that very much for some reason. I lost 3 more pounds for a total of 62 pounds gone and I weigh 294. Okay I think that deserves a ton of exclamation points.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I mean WOW seriously! Me! I still can't believe I keep losing. I keep expecting for it to all be a fluke, that one day it just won't work anymore. But it does. What am I doing? I walk everyday. I eat 1500 calories. I watch my portion sizes. And that's all she wrote folks.
My 5 month anniversary was Monday. Five months! And my birthday is tomorrow. So I think a little looking back AND forward is in order!!!!
*******Looking Back*******
I was pretty much a normal kid, normal home, nothing weird. I was thin but I wasn't as thin as my cousin Dawn. I remember when she hit 100 pounds and we were all so freaked because she had NEVER weighed that much. So I marched merrily through elementary school and junior high not really thinking about being fat. Until. I hit puberty. I started getting some curves at the age of 14 and I noticed it mostly in my thighs. My Mom announced that I had thunder thighs. And so my life changed. I was fat. It didn't matter that I wore a size 12. I look at those old pictures and cannot believe I thought I was fat. But I did. I got married when I was 19, and my husband thought I was overweight. And I weighed 140 pounds. My first pregnancy got me up to 178 total. I lost down to 150, but just a few months later got pregnant again. I got up to 190, and then hovered between 170 and 190 for a few years. When I had my 3rd child, I hit 200 and have never been under 200 since--that was 20 years ago. With each child I gained and kept that weight. Oh, sometimes I would 'have to do something about my weight' and I would count fat grams--some ridiculously small amount, I think 10 grams of fat per day--whoever made THAT diet up was a sadistic pig--or start an exercise program that I would just as quickly abandon--I took Metabolife and lost 40 pounds, but then I got pregnant with baby #6 and gained it all back and more--lost 50 pounds with weighdown but me and starvation do not mix, I gained all that back and more--Eventually I just gave up--why even look at calorie information? It didn't even matter, I couldn't lose weight, I had no self-control, I was weak, inconsistent, gross, disgusting, a fat piggy slob. I seriously thought that about myself, and it pains me to actually type this out for the eyes of others.
******The Last Year*********
This year has been an incredible year for me. It started out with all kinds of negatives in my life: morbidly obese, horrible marriage, I was depressed and didn't even know it, grief over the loss of my Mother (miss you Mom), and yeah, that was pretty much my life. Then on May 19th, everything changed. And all I said was 'okay'. Okay, I will lose this weight. I was totally being led gently along, and found Dietgirl first, then Sean's Blog . I decided to pattern myself after him, eating 1500 calories a day and exercising daily, which for me ended up being walking since I do not have easy access to a gym. As time went on, I tweaked his method a bit for me. I wasn't counting my calories so much. I weighed and measured my food, sticking to serving sizes. I discovered that I LOVE cookie dough, but can pass on the cooked cookie. So when I make cookies I have a few tastes of dough and it hits that spot and I'm done. I learned to indulge those little cravings right away, before they become BIG cravings. I discovered that it wasn't strictly the numbers, it was the portion sizes. I found that I could eat absolutely anything I wanted, no foods were forbidden, and thus had to rewire my brain that there are no "good and bad" foods. I mean seriously, am I never going to have another hot dog for the rest of my life? Who can live like that? Everyone says it, so I will too: I'm changing my life, I'm not on a diet. And I can absolutely live like this. People look at me like I'm crazy when I say I'm having fun, but I am! This is! Fun! I would not be saying that if I couldn't eat pizza, regular old fatty pepperoni cheese laden pizza, or gooey chocolate cake, or crisp bacon, or spicy saucy tacos and burritos. I remember my brother-in-law telling me that moderation is the key. He said that many years ago. And how true that is.
***********The Future*********
I turn 48 tomorrow. I cannot believe I have lived this long and this life is what I have to show for it. I have been so busy raising my kids and now I turn around and say 'where have the years gone?' Those years NOT filled with towel popping fights with my kids, playing frisbee with my kids, getting down on the floor and PLAYING with my kids, running and bike riding. I am not that woman anymore. Something has changed in my heart, and I am no longer the same. Someone once said that the only way they would gain the weight back was if they just stopped caring. I never want to stop caring. I think that being so enormous and restricted gives me a better appreciation of losing the weight. Who would think someone would be so thrilled to weigh 294 pounds? But I am. I want to keep walking/running. I want to keep a watch over how much I eat. This journey that I am on is much different than I thought it would be. I had no idea that it would change my entire life. But it has. When I read my earlier posts I know it's me but it seems so far away, that other Zaa. I wonder how much I will weigh on my 49th birthday. I am gaining confidence in myself. I have more energy and stamina. I can run. I can run up the stairs. I can fit easier into chairs. I don't feel tired all the time. The goal of my life is not to stuff myself, but to enjoy my food. Which I do. I am eating slower without even thinking about it, because the food tastes so stinking good. Sometimes I find myself ravenous which is odd since I eat about 5-6 times a day. And man when I am ravenous I tear into my food and don't feel guilty at all. I don't feel embarrassed to go to McDonald's with my daughter because I order the dollar menu fries and mcdouble and water and it just hits that spot you know? Every once in a while you just need some hot fries amiright? So why did I label this part the future? I don't know since I haven't really been saying anything about the future!
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THE FUTURE STARRING ZAABABY:
She's thin, healthy, and runs like the wind!
See the wind whip her hair madly as she darts around!
Watch as she prepares normal food and eats with her family at dinner time instead of some weirdo freaky gross food fixed seperately from everyone's else and making it look obvious that she is on a 'diet'!
Listen as she goes on and on about how many calories are in what you are eating!
Limited seating, please call for ticket prices.

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Okay so there, I talked about the future.

So my life is good. I have to show you this from an earlier post:
Day 11: WHAT I HATE ABOUT BEING FAT:
All the creases and folds in my body that get sweaty and extremely smelly-
the huge underwear I have to wear-
not fitting into my bra right and always bubbling out over the top-
not fitting into chairs or cars or seat belts or booths without a struggle (I hate booths)-
meeting people for the first time and they get this look in their eyes-
going swimming and coming out of the water and the weight just HITS ME SO HARD-
not having the energy to do anything, even walking daily is a chore-
I can never wear a belt or tuck in my shirts-
I can't run or play frisbee with my kids on the front lawn-
I never take them swimming or to amusement parks or camping or anything and I SAY it's because we don't have the money but the real reason is because I can't do those things myself because I'm fat-
my clothes are old and ugly and stretched out from years of use and I hate them
Wow.

And this:
I hate being fat.
I hate meeting people for the first time and they have this look in their eyes.
I hate being the fattest person everywhere I go.
I hate my clothes.
I hate putting my life on hold because I'm too fat to do anything.
I hate what I have done to my body.
I hate that when I lose all my weight I will have saggy baggy skin everywhere that will be gross and disgusting.
I used hate a lot back then. I really hated myself.
Someday, I will see someone after a long absence and they will freak. Someday, I will fit into a smaller size bra and have pants that actually have a zipper in them. Someday I will look in the mirror and not see that extra flesh under my chin. Someday I will have more energy, I'll sleep better, I won't snore (I like to think I purr but everyone tells me otherwise). Someday I will walk into a room, will do my quick fatpersoncheck, and I won't be the fattest person in the room. Someday I will be a runner, me, a runner. Someday I will run a marathon.
Who would have thought I would have my someday today? Because all of that has happened except for the marathon part and the pants with a zipper.
Gee I guess I could just keep copying and pasting but I'm sure most of you have stopped reading by now. I do tend to blather on aimlessly don't I?
Oh, my blood pressure was 130/80 today.
Tomorrow is my birthday.