Monday, June 01, 2009
So today I spent the majority of the day in the car, driving my daughter down to be a counselor at a camp for the summer. I ate at taco bell, and that one meal ended up being 1000 calories! Thankfully I didn't have any pop, but had water instead. But still! DANG! So when I got home tonight I was sooo tired. Walked with my friend but we cut it a little short, I was just so wiped from the day. And you will be happy to know I did NOT go over my 1500 dollars--er calories for the day (I see my calories as dollars--I have 1500 to spend any way I want, but when they're gone, they're GONE).
But on the way home, I stopped at WalMart and mannn I could smell all the food in that store! The donuts, the bread, the deli, the fruits, it was really super hard to just walk by. And I cannot believe how many calories ONE poptart is! Yes, it was difficult but I DID IT! I did not eat anything until I got home. I am so sick of being fat, and I had a feeling I had about 500 calories left, but I wanted something good to eat, you know? I wanted to make sure how many calories I had left and I didn't want to waste them on something stupid. I had a Red Baron french bread pepperoni pizza for 360 calories and a fudgesicle for 90 calories and I have 50 calories to spare but I am done for the night and giving myself a pat on the back!
I have felt fat since I was 14 and now I am 47 and really AM fat. My whole life I have no idea what it is like to be normal, but I will. And I can't do anything about the future but I can do something about today.
Today I will eat 150o calories and no more.
Today I will walk with my best friend down the street.
Today I will drink my water.
Today I will plan for tomorrow, for any special events in my life where food will be present, for the time to walk.
Do you know how many todays I have wasted? Allowing myself to get discouraged over minor setbacks instead of pushing through them. Living (if you can call this living) with an attitude of acceptance of my weight and being a prisoner of my own body! Helplessly eating, not able to say no to anything, even if I'm full! No More!
I am doing all that I am for ME this time, not for my Mother (God rest her soul), not out of shame, not even for my freaking health. I want to get up out of chair just by standing up , like normal people, instead of giving a huge heave ho, and leaning hard on something. I want to take a bath in a bathtub instead of a shower all the time. I want to wear a belt, with a tucked in button up shirt. I want pants that zip up. I want to cross my legs. I want to wear cute flirty shoes. I want to get my hair cut in a beauty salon and look GOOD. I want people to see me for who I really am, which they can't because they don't look past my fat.
I know this: I will have good days. I will have bad days. I will have difficult days. I will have days when temptation will crowd my heels like a maddening little dog. But I WILL press on.