Thursday, July 2, 2009

Post #12--there are just gonna be times like these

Saturday, June 06, 2009

Had a pretty good day. Walked, stayed below 1500 calories. And yet, I never felt satisfied with my eating. I wanted more. No, what I really wanted was to just eat and eat and eat whatever I wanted without limits and guilt. But I didn't. And I won't. But that feeling is still there. That feeling that wants to just go into the kitchen and grab a humongous bowl of cereal, and then chocolate, anything chocolate, maybe a mess of chips.
This is the first time I have been hit with this since I started my journey 18 days ago. Wow. Eighteen days. That's kind of a streak for me! So I'm really not sure how to handle these feelings I'm having. Is this something I can change? Or will I just have to push thru everytime it happens? Is it going to happen more and more? Did I do something to trigger it? Am I not being firm enough in my own heart and mind?
And my left foot hurts, the top of it. And it has for a while now. I keep hoping that it will get better but it doesn't. And here I am walking almost two miles every night. I was almost dreading the walk tonight, because of my foot.
So today is a bit of a downer for me because of those two things. I don't expect everyday to be tralala fabulous. I just don't want to start struggling and struggling. That was always my downfall before. You start with the wanting, then it starts to take over your mind, then you're giving in, then you've given up. And I can't. I won't. I hate being fat.
I hate meeting people for the first time and they have this look in their eyes.
I hate being the fattest person everywhere I go.
I hate my clothes.
I hate putting my life on hold because I'm too fat to do anything.
I hate what I have done to my body.
I hate that when I lose all my weight I will have saggy baggy skin everywhere that will be gross and disgusting.
So I will recommit myself to getting thin. I will have days like this again. Each time I will have to recommit myself, remind myself, encourage myself.
I have felt fat since I was 14. Not once in my adult life have I ever felt pretty, cute, desirable. I want it now. So I will go to bed and start my tomorrow fresh, with 1500 more calories to spend.
Thanks for reading. Make wise choices! And remember, never give up--never surrender! I love you Peter Quincy Taggert!

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