Friday, September 3, 2010

Wherein I muse at length about nothing

Kind of weird to think I've been doing this as long as I have. 'This', being, of course, losing weight. The longest I ever did this before was about 3 months before it all fell apart. I was trying to lose somebody ELSE'S way, and I just couldn't change into the person I thought I had to be. It becomes habit, measuring your food, counting the calories, estimating portion sizes. Just like it was a habit to mindlessly shove chips into my mouth while sitting at the computer, not even tasting them. I like my new habits.
My sister gave me a pair of butterfly earrings 'Because', she said with tears,' you are a butterfly!' I thought it was just so sweet of her to think of me like that, a delicate beautiful butterfly. My fat has been a cocoon that I have finally burst free from. (Speaking of cocoon, wasn't that the most awesome movie ever?) She is also continuing to lose, looking thin and lovely. It seems to be taking me FOREVER to lose. I wish I wasn't so impatient.
I am rereading a lot of old favorite weight loss books. My favorite right now is 'The Amazing Adventures of Dietgirl'. I have never met Shauna but I love her to pieces. I recommend you read her book immediately.
I still have not made running a consistent part of my day. So I have decided, that since I'm on my own about this, I'm going to have to just start. I've tried the C25K program, and amazingly the first week is incredibly hard! I'll have to come up with my very own pre-C25K program to get me ready for it! Like: Run a block, walk until recovered, then run another block, etc. OR: Run as long as I can, walk until recovered, repeat ad nauseum. There seems to be one hitch to this program. Or two hitches. My breasts. Yes, My big old humongous breasts heave to and fro when I run. My instinct is to hold ONTO my breasts as I run, keeping them still, but I'm sure that looks ridiculous and a little naughty to onlookers. So I'm not sure what to do about them. How nice it would be to not have to worry about stuff like that!
This month marks the 7th anniversary of my Mother's (miss you Mom) death. She died on Bekah Boo's birthday, which casts a shadow for me over her day forever. Sometimes the memories and emotions swirl over me like an ocean wave, and tears will come to my eyes. Then it recedes, leaving me to go on. That's one of those weird things about life. It goes on. I really feel for my kids when I go. We're all pretty close, which I didn't realize until someone pointed it out to me. Hopefully they will support each other. Ben Rachel and Bekah call me every single day. Ben leaves for Japan next month for 3 years. He and his wife are so excited! He has told me many times the name of the air force base but of course I never remember. His wife is an elementary teacher, and will be teaching over there. If they have a baby in Japan it will have dual citizenship! Which is extremely cool. I love how technology today brings us so close, even though we are far apart distance wise. I wonder how the internet is over there.
So Bekah has discovered that there is a gym for the students that is CRAMMED with exercise equipment, a sauna, a POOL, and is going to work out everyday! I'm glad she's excited! I would be too. All you folks who get to go to a gym, I am so jealous. I have no vehicle, and it looks like I won't have one for a really long time. There is no gym in my little town. She's also decided she's a vegetarian. Which makes cooking for her ridiculously hard. Thankfully she will eat tuna because a fish doesn't THINK like an animal, so we can eat it.....I don't care at least I can make tuna casserole when she's here.
Eli got his job back laying cable and he is loving it. I'm trying so hard to treat my adult children like adults and not children. Which is so hard. Poor Rachel I'm always telling her what to do. Don't listen to me Rachel!

Today's Menu:
2 pcs bacon, 1 egg, 1 toast, 1 cup chocolate milk
1 tostada 150 calories
3 sour gummy worms
1 oz chicken in a biscuit crackers. It will never be enough.
1 can of root beer which is a real treat, let me tell you. I NEVER drink pop. root beer is my fav.
mcdouble and fries from mcdonald's dollar menu and water
4 bites of white chocolate fudge cake. It was half of a half of a piece of cake. I really love to cook and bake. So glad I can still eat what I make.

Had a girl's night out with my daughters. Went to 'town' and shopped for supplies for Bek at college. She has to provide her own toilet paper! And we had to get some comet and lysol so they can clean the bathroom, and a broom and dustpan. Was fun but being surrounded by all that sheer energy and love of life made me feel tired inside. I'm glad that they are enjoying life but all it did for me was make me angry at myself for wasting my entire life being fat and having a cruddy marriage. I mean I have noone to blame but myself that I got fat. And not sure if there was anything I could have done about my marriage, I guess I could have left but I never did. And things are so much better now. Such a waste! Like 25 years of my life wasted. And now I'm going to be 49 next month. I will be 50 next year. Okay that is freaking me out big time. I am really feeling my mortality. I've always known I was going to die someday but now I know it for sure is going to happen, people die because they get too old! Their bodies just fall apart! And I also have stretch marks, my skin is going to be baggy and gross, and I did this to myself. I am normally very upbeat in my blog but you have to let me have my pity party. For at least 15 minutes.
I think I'm ready for bed. I'm done eating for the day. I'm enjoying having the ac turned off and all the windows wide open. It's 61 degrees outside! I love snuggling under the covers!


  1. I hear you on the wasted time and now having baggy gross skin.... I SO HEAR YOU!

  2. I'm glad you're back. I've missed your blog. Keep up the journey. You're doing great!!

  3. I know you love pop, Laura, so you should try Pepsi Max. 0 cal 0 carb 0 sugars. I like to have a little caffeine pick me up in the middle of the day (during lunch, because working with developmentally delayed 3 year olds is VERY tiring), so I get those sodas.

  4. I am so glad you have returned. I found you just after you did your anniversary post and I was so afraid you had died or something. Thank heaven you are okay!

    I really enjoy what you write and I am so impressed with your progress! You make me want to be better.

    I too love pop! I am a huge Coke Zero fan now. Love it!

  5. Glad you're back. I know you don't "know" me, but while you were away...I read through your blog. I love how you are losing weight!!!

    Chicken in a bisquit crackers are my favorite!!!

    I understand how you feel about wasted years...I've ran through that too many times in my head....

  6. I hear you on the "treat the adult children like adults and not children". It IS hard. I think I would advise anyone who asks, to focus pretty hard on that when they are in 11th & 12th grade..the lettting go. Bc when they are out of school, it is sure time, and you don't really want to be only getting started.-wow! What a shock to all, huh? Out of school..How does that happen.

    Nice chattin:. Glad you're blogging. No pressure to blog every day now, but we will take it!