I remember being a skinny kid. I was picky. I played outside sometimes, but mostly I read and played the piano. I hit puberty late, around 14. And that's when it happened. Yes, I noticed that I wasn't the stick figure I'd always been, I was starting to get curvy. I was told that I had 'thunder thighs'. I couldn't have weighed more than 110, I was 5'9". Well. There you go. Somehow, overnight, I had become this hideous monster with a label for my body parts. Back in the 70s, fitness was just coming into vogue. Mostly everyone wore track suits so they would LOOK like they jogged and worked out. But not that many people did. My Mother, as long as I can remember, never hit over 150 pounds, but was always struggling to lose weight. She tried every single way to get down to 125. She tried all the newfangled ways to lose, with the longest being the fat free diet. She didn't eat any fat. Ever. She never lost that weight. Before she died, she told me it was the biggest waste of time, why did she even struggle and have it take over so much of her life? Why indeed? She was lied to. Like everyone else, she was lied to by the weight loss 'professionals' who said that that was THE WAY to lose weight. And how horrid the recipes I find of hers, using all that fat free stuff. The ingredients for cookies, cakes, pies, soups, casseroles, incredible how much you have to put in to take the flavor of fat! See, you can eat this bad food if you just take the fat out it!
What bosh!
I struggled so hard to 'lose weight', starting at the age of 14. I, too, did all the weird diets, the grapefruit diet, the hotdog diet, the only eat this bread you make from all these certain grains diet, the soup diet, Metabolife, Weigh Down, Weight Watchers, the one where you eat tons of protein, I think it's the atkins? I don't remember, the south beach diet, the one where you drink 2 shakes a day and have a meal at night. Good heavens look at that list!
I wasn't super concerned when I was a teenager, I was shy and not popular, I remember wearing sizes 10-12. Where did I get this notion that I was fat? I wasn't heavy in the slightest. I look back on my old pictures and I am stunned.
Boy when I got engaged at 19 I really was concerned. My husband to be thought I was fat too. Man, my Mother and I took up aerobics and worked so hard! I didn't lose any weight. I weighed 140 on my wedding day. And my husband thought I was fat. Well. There you go. Even from the beginning of my marriage I wasn't good enough was I?
I was fine through the first couple of kids, but I got close to 200 which freaked me out so much, but man I was so busy chasing a 1 and 2 year old, I had no time to worry about me. So I did start weight watchers then. And it was there I learned all the weighing in 'tricks': wearing the lightest clothes possible, no shoes, going to the bathroom as much as possible before weighing, having a few 'good' excuses such as I'm bloated from my period or I don't know how I could have gained/stayed the same I was so good!
Well it didn't work.
I got pregnant with #3 and hit 200 and have never looked back. I have not been under 200 since 1989.
Well fast forward 10 years, and I was 300. Where I pretty much stayed until my Mother died, then I shot up to 356, my highest KNOWN weight. Until 2 years ago, when I started my weight loss journey. I did get down to 264, but life happened and weight loss got pushed to the side, only pulled out when convenient. So my body of course obligingly stored all my food as fat and I hit 300 again. Sigh.
But I'm back in the saddle again.
This time, though, I won't let myself get blindsided by marriage problems, kid problems, money problems, LIFE. I have thought I was fat and BEEN fat for 36 years. It is time for a change.
I thankfully have all the tools I could possibly need at my disposal for success.
No weird diet.
No hokey pills.
No forbidden foods.
No painful exercise that hurts my knees and ankles and threatens to rip off my breasts from all the bouncing and jumping.
No hunger.
No deprivation.
Wow doesn't that look good? Too bad I can't package and sell my weight loss 'system', I bet I could make a ton of money. Well, until someone actually read that all I do is eat 1500 calories of whatever I want and take a walk. That is so not marketable!
How glad I am that this simple, easy method is really the right one! You don't have to buy special foods, cook special meals just for you, or even have someone ELSE make the food for you and mail it to your house. No special exercise equipment or clothes. No fancy shakes. No silly 'cookies' or 'brownies' or 'snacks' that are disgusting and gross, and really aren't even that low in calories.
How free I feel. How happy I am to know that at lunchtime I can waltz into my kitchen and have anything in there I want. I can have a chili dog. I can have a burrito. I can have pizza. I can have chips! I can even splurge on a can of root beer.
I am free.
Walked the horseshoe.
Food for the Day:
Normal breakfast of capn crunch, milk, juice 200 cal
hotdog 130 cal
bread 70 cal
chips 160 cal
root beer!!! 160 cal
2 pieces of bacon 80 cal
1 french toast with syrup I think 200 calories?
milk 122 cal
I saved calories for a brownie after I got back from church but ended up going to Sonic with a friend and had mozarella sticks! Mmmmmmm they were good. Was fun to do that then wander around Walmart at 10:00 with her.
So Moz sticks 440 cal
Grand total of 1621 calories, which is 121 over my limit, but I'm not stressing. I never ever leave my small town and go to sonic, so it was a fun treat.
Super cold and super rainy I just love it! Have my electric blanket on, warming my bed for me to snuggle under the covers. I love fall so much!
Now I have my sweet kitten Pollyanna sleeping on me so I can't move. Ah well. Too bad, off to bed!
Making wise choices even if it kills me,
Laura
Thursday, November 3, 2011
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
November already? No way! Christmas is next month? No way!
Beautiful fall day here at the Manor. Had one home still sick with a stomach bug.
Walked the horseshoe again. Hard but not AS hard.
Food for the day:
Normal breakfast 200 cal
homemade burrito 400
1 serving ruffles queso chips 160
3 tootsie roll midgees 33 cal
1/3 burrito made into a quesadilla 133
1 serving ruffles queso chips 160 yeah I really like these
18 M&Ms 61 cal
Total 1147 calories for the day.
Was thinking today that the old goals I made wayyy back when I began my journey have been reached, and I need to make some new ones. I have met many that I thought I wouldn't until I hit goal like: sitting in booths and those flimsy white plastic chairs without one breaking on me, sitting in a lawn chair, going to an amusement park, wearing pants with a zipper, seat belts resting comfortably on me instead of strangling me, seat belts that FIT me, especially in the back seat of a car.
******New Things I Want To Do***********
Run. I still don't run on a regular basis and I want to.
Wear high heels without feeling like I'm going to pitch forward onto my face at any moment.
Not have to wear a girdle.
Wear REAL jeans, you know, the not stretchy kind, the ones regular normal people wear.
Look at myself from the side and my breasts stick out farther than my stomach.
Not have to take blood pressure medicine.
****************
I found an old journal, and it was sad sad. Pretty much every entry was 'I hate myself I hate my husband I hate my life everything stinks'.
It brought back memories of how horrible things were for me. Why did losing weight change all that? Despair and discouragement were the main theme of my days. I feel sorry for the me who wrote those, I wish I could go back and tell her things will be looking up soon. Life is just going to stink sometimes. I cannot control everyone around me, I cannot make my husband happy no matter how hard I try, it's almost as if he refuses to be happy ON PURPOSE, and I get tired of that. For the most part I am a happy and cheerful person, but sometimes stuff gets me down. My marriage still is hard, money is super tight, kids make stupid choices, the kitten won't use the litterbox. My overeating will not help me cope with this stuff. It will, in fact, just make things worse.
And I am encouraged just by KNOWING that. I used to find myself helplessly answering every call to eat, knowing it was too much, it would cause much self-loathing, but I didn't think I could stick to a 'diet', I never had before, why waste my time? I genuinely thought that I would have to 'diet', eat all sorts of horrid raw vegetables and hummus (what even is that) and fish and beets and yogurt and NO chocolate NO sugar NO white flour. I thought I would have to be super disciplined like all the thin women, self-righteously passing up the desserts at buffets and church dinners, cooking healthfully for my husband's heart health, blah blah.
And I just didn't have it in me. I still don't. I wonder if I ever will?
I just hate how many people put foods into good and bad categories. I like that I can eat whatever I want. I like that I set my own goals for my life, and not just mindlessly following someone else's do's and don't's.
I am proud of myself for walking the horseshoe today. It was such a beautiful day, probably one of the last we'll have for a while.
I am proud of myself for not only staying within my calorie budget, but coming in below it. I am proud for saving a bunch of calories for night time, and being able to eat a few chips and dip without any guilt whatsoever. I am proud for not secretly getting into the kid's halloween candy and eating it. I am proud for not having root beer with my lunch today because I didn't want the extra calories. I am proud that I am back, back to making weight loss front and center in my life, back to looking ahead to thinner days, back to confidence and peace with myself. The deep hatred for myself is gone. Because I CAN lose weight, I CAN say no to food, I CAN achieve my goals.
I guess I also have achieved another goal of sorts. I always had been the pianist at church, for years, but wanted to sing but it just didn't happen. Now I am on the singing schedule at church, and my Pastor asked me to do a solo at a conference this weekend at my church. Me! I still am surprised, our church has a zillion people who sing. But he asked me! What a privilege! I was even asked to sing at a 2 day conference thing last month too! Me!
Losing weight has changed, IS changing me. I am becoming different. And I really didn't know that would happen. I thought I would be the same, just thinner.
So a lesson was reinforced in my mind today: Eating over my calorie limit will just make things worse. It will not make me feel better. I will still have the problems, along with the anger and disappointment towards myself.
It's super late! I gotta get to bed.
Making wise choices the be all and end all in my life,
Laura
Walked the horseshoe again. Hard but not AS hard.
Food for the day:
Normal breakfast 200 cal
homemade burrito 400
1 serving ruffles queso chips 160
3 tootsie roll midgees 33 cal
1/3 burrito made into a quesadilla 133
1 serving ruffles queso chips 160 yeah I really like these
18 M&Ms 61 cal
Total 1147 calories for the day.
Was thinking today that the old goals I made wayyy back when I began my journey have been reached, and I need to make some new ones. I have met many that I thought I wouldn't until I hit goal like: sitting in booths and those flimsy white plastic chairs without one breaking on me, sitting in a lawn chair, going to an amusement park, wearing pants with a zipper, seat belts resting comfortably on me instead of strangling me, seat belts that FIT me, especially in the back seat of a car.
******New Things I Want To Do***********
Run. I still don't run on a regular basis and I want to.
Wear high heels without feeling like I'm going to pitch forward onto my face at any moment.
Not have to wear a girdle.
Wear REAL jeans, you know, the not stretchy kind, the ones regular normal people wear.
Look at myself from the side and my breasts stick out farther than my stomach.
Not have to take blood pressure medicine.
****************
I found an old journal, and it was sad sad. Pretty much every entry was 'I hate myself I hate my husband I hate my life everything stinks'.
It brought back memories of how horrible things were for me. Why did losing weight change all that? Despair and discouragement were the main theme of my days. I feel sorry for the me who wrote those, I wish I could go back and tell her things will be looking up soon. Life is just going to stink sometimes. I cannot control everyone around me, I cannot make my husband happy no matter how hard I try, it's almost as if he refuses to be happy ON PURPOSE, and I get tired of that. For the most part I am a happy and cheerful person, but sometimes stuff gets me down. My marriage still is hard, money is super tight, kids make stupid choices, the kitten won't use the litterbox. My overeating will not help me cope with this stuff. It will, in fact, just make things worse.
And I am encouraged just by KNOWING that. I used to find myself helplessly answering every call to eat, knowing it was too much, it would cause much self-loathing, but I didn't think I could stick to a 'diet', I never had before, why waste my time? I genuinely thought that I would have to 'diet', eat all sorts of horrid raw vegetables and hummus (what even is that) and fish and beets and yogurt and NO chocolate NO sugar NO white flour. I thought I would have to be super disciplined like all the thin women, self-righteously passing up the desserts at buffets and church dinners, cooking healthfully for my husband's heart health, blah blah.
And I just didn't have it in me. I still don't. I wonder if I ever will?
I just hate how many people put foods into good and bad categories. I like that I can eat whatever I want. I like that I set my own goals for my life, and not just mindlessly following someone else's do's and don't's.
I am proud of myself for walking the horseshoe today. It was such a beautiful day, probably one of the last we'll have for a while.
I am proud of myself for not only staying within my calorie budget, but coming in below it. I am proud for saving a bunch of calories for night time, and being able to eat a few chips and dip without any guilt whatsoever. I am proud for not secretly getting into the kid's halloween candy and eating it. I am proud for not having root beer with my lunch today because I didn't want the extra calories. I am proud that I am back, back to making weight loss front and center in my life, back to looking ahead to thinner days, back to confidence and peace with myself. The deep hatred for myself is gone. Because I CAN lose weight, I CAN say no to food, I CAN achieve my goals.
I guess I also have achieved another goal of sorts. I always had been the pianist at church, for years, but wanted to sing but it just didn't happen. Now I am on the singing schedule at church, and my Pastor asked me to do a solo at a conference this weekend at my church. Me! I still am surprised, our church has a zillion people who sing. But he asked me! What a privilege! I was even asked to sing at a 2 day conference thing last month too! Me!
Losing weight has changed, IS changing me. I am becoming different. And I really didn't know that would happen. I thought I would be the same, just thinner.
So a lesson was reinforced in my mind today: Eating over my calorie limit will just make things worse. It will not make me feel better. I will still have the problems, along with the anger and disappointment towards myself.
It's super late! I gotta get to bed.
Making wise choices the be all and end all in my life,
Laura
Monday, October 31, 2011
Halloween has Come and Gone
What a long day!
First let me get my food journal out of the way.
Regular breakfast 200 calories
McD's for lunch! McDouble and small fry and water--390 + 226 + 0 = 616 cal
2 homemade tacos -- 300 cal
6 jolly rancher sour chewy things --80 cal
1 Reese's Cup--100 cal
Grand total of 1296 calories for the day--and I even got to eat out!
So woke up this morning, 2 kids were 'sick'. So that kind of messed up my plans for the day. Cleaned a bit, showered, then one kid decided she was 'better' and wanted to go to school. At 11:30. I said 'Farout!' and took her to school!
That leaves one at home, but 16 year olds can fend for themselves.
My daughter Rachel and I then ran around and did all kinds of errands, and went to Walmart and went out to lunch! I was prepared. I hopped on the McD website and checked out the calories for what I wanted to eat. I knew I was making tacos tonight, and how many calories those were, and I also knew I wanted something chocolate. So 616 calories for lunch isn't what I normally eat but it was fun to go out for a change.
Then we headed home and made tacos and got the kids all made up for halloween. This year we had: a corpse bride who halfway through trick or treating morphed into a goth fairy. I don't fight these things. Then we had an alien, who ended up giving his costume to a friend and not trick or treating himself so he didn't get any candy and keeps snitching the other kid's candy. Ah well, too bad for him. Then we had the 'Ultimate Chief's Fan', and he looked really fun with his face painted red and white and all chiefs clothes on. We also had a pretty fairy, with a laurel wreath in her hair decorated with flowers, and wings, she was so pretty. Last we had an old woman, which was so fun, we had a mask for that one and it was so creepy good! I was nothing this year. For some reason didn't feel like dressing up, which is unusual but there's always next year right? I just felt fat this year. I normally try to be so very positive about myself but I just wasn't feeling it.
I really really like setting my own goals and being flexible about what I eat. I am happy that I could eat lunch out with my daughter and just have a fun time talking and laughing and not worrying about whether or not I was 'ruining' my day by eating too much. Planning ahead, yep, that gave me confidence. I knew what I was eating was well within my calorie budget, and I could relax and enjoy myself.
I think it's key for everyone to lose weight by eating less and moving more. But I think we need to find our own way of doing that. I am sure that many many people look at my food diary and are aghast. 'Where's the fruits and vegetables? Where's the flax seed and fiber and lean meats and no white flour and and and--' Well, they're not there are they? And I really don't care. I am losing weight within the structure of 1500 calories a day and a daily walk. I have never been successful losing weight other people's way. I don't like that stuff. I wish I did, I really do. But I don't. And if I have to force myself to eat stuff I don't like, it won't last. It would feel like a 'diet'. And I don't 'diet' anymore.
Maybe someday. Someday I'll feel adventurous and I'll try stuff I've hated since I was a kid. But when I'm ready. Not because somebody else who is an 'authority' or is famous tells me to. I am so over feeling guilty because I eat what I like--jut not as much!
Oh Sean Sean what have you done to me! Because it's all your fault you know. All the success I've had losing weight by eating foods I normally eat is due to your influence. You're the first person I ever read who ate this way--and you lost weight! I still remember finding your blog and realizing that this was it, this was the way I was going to lose weight. Eating 1500 calories a day and walking. I know that you don't just walk anymore, and someday I hope to do more too.
It all boils down to the choices I make every day. I can grab a handful of chips out of the bag and scarf them down. Or I don't. It's truly that simple. I can buy a candy bar at the checkout at the store. Or I don't. MY decision, if I eat it it goes in the log for the day. So there is no cheating is there? How can it be cheating when I set my own goals? Who cares what anybody else thinks about how much or what I eat? It's ME I have to face at the end of the day. And boy, I have faced me too much and hated me for so long.
I think I'm rambling now. I reread all that and I'm not sure it made sense but I'm leaving it in.
Words cannot express how it feels to have my weight loss be front and center in my life again. Yes, and all that entails, including talking about my calories all the time and making darn sure I get a walk in every day. Hey, I wish I was one of those wonderful weight loss blogger people who never let us down and consistently lose weight and blog faithfully and never let life get in the way of all that. But I'm not. I was sick for 6 months. I got discouraged. I started gaining my weight back. I was very very close to becoming blind in one eye, with the other following closely behind. It was super duper hot this summer and I hate being hot and sweaty and I did NOT want to walk in that. I got bored with blogging and took a break. I should have announced that I was doing that, some people actually thought I died. Well this time around, I know what I'm doing, and blogging is for the accountability, so I don't care how incredibly boring my day is I'm going to write about it. And include my food diary. It really doesn't bother me if anyone reads this or not.
I love going to bed with calories to spare.
Ran across this website you have to visit:
http://thisiswhyyourefat.tumblr.com/
Oh the food on this! How do people come up with this stuff?
Enjoy it all.
Making wise choices because I hate being fat,
Laura
First let me get my food journal out of the way.
Regular breakfast 200 calories
McD's for lunch! McDouble and small fry and water--390 + 226 + 0 = 616 cal
2 homemade tacos -- 300 cal
6 jolly rancher sour chewy things --80 cal
1 Reese's Cup--100 cal
Grand total of 1296 calories for the day--and I even got to eat out!
So woke up this morning, 2 kids were 'sick'. So that kind of messed up my plans for the day. Cleaned a bit, showered, then one kid decided she was 'better' and wanted to go to school. At 11:30. I said 'Farout!' and took her to school!
That leaves one at home, but 16 year olds can fend for themselves.
My daughter Rachel and I then ran around and did all kinds of errands, and went to Walmart and went out to lunch! I was prepared. I hopped on the McD website and checked out the calories for what I wanted to eat. I knew I was making tacos tonight, and how many calories those were, and I also knew I wanted something chocolate. So 616 calories for lunch isn't what I normally eat but it was fun to go out for a change.
Then we headed home and made tacos and got the kids all made up for halloween. This year we had: a corpse bride who halfway through trick or treating morphed into a goth fairy. I don't fight these things. Then we had an alien, who ended up giving his costume to a friend and not trick or treating himself so he didn't get any candy and keeps snitching the other kid's candy. Ah well, too bad for him. Then we had the 'Ultimate Chief's Fan', and he looked really fun with his face painted red and white and all chiefs clothes on. We also had a pretty fairy, with a laurel wreath in her hair decorated with flowers, and wings, she was so pretty. Last we had an old woman, which was so fun, we had a mask for that one and it was so creepy good! I was nothing this year. For some reason didn't feel like dressing up, which is unusual but there's always next year right? I just felt fat this year. I normally try to be so very positive about myself but I just wasn't feeling it.
I really really like setting my own goals and being flexible about what I eat. I am happy that I could eat lunch out with my daughter and just have a fun time talking and laughing and not worrying about whether or not I was 'ruining' my day by eating too much. Planning ahead, yep, that gave me confidence. I knew what I was eating was well within my calorie budget, and I could relax and enjoy myself.
I think it's key for everyone to lose weight by eating less and moving more. But I think we need to find our own way of doing that. I am sure that many many people look at my food diary and are aghast. 'Where's the fruits and vegetables? Where's the flax seed and fiber and lean meats and no white flour and and and--' Well, they're not there are they? And I really don't care. I am losing weight within the structure of 1500 calories a day and a daily walk. I have never been successful losing weight other people's way. I don't like that stuff. I wish I did, I really do. But I don't. And if I have to force myself to eat stuff I don't like, it won't last. It would feel like a 'diet'. And I don't 'diet' anymore.
Maybe someday. Someday I'll feel adventurous and I'll try stuff I've hated since I was a kid. But when I'm ready. Not because somebody else who is an 'authority' or is famous tells me to. I am so over feeling guilty because I eat what I like--jut not as much!
Oh Sean Sean what have you done to me! Because it's all your fault you know. All the success I've had losing weight by eating foods I normally eat is due to your influence. You're the first person I ever read who ate this way--and you lost weight! I still remember finding your blog and realizing that this was it, this was the way I was going to lose weight. Eating 1500 calories a day and walking. I know that you don't just walk anymore, and someday I hope to do more too.
It all boils down to the choices I make every day. I can grab a handful of chips out of the bag and scarf them down. Or I don't. It's truly that simple. I can buy a candy bar at the checkout at the store. Or I don't. MY decision, if I eat it it goes in the log for the day. So there is no cheating is there? How can it be cheating when I set my own goals? Who cares what anybody else thinks about how much or what I eat? It's ME I have to face at the end of the day. And boy, I have faced me too much and hated me for so long.
I think I'm rambling now. I reread all that and I'm not sure it made sense but I'm leaving it in.
Words cannot express how it feels to have my weight loss be front and center in my life again. Yes, and all that entails, including talking about my calories all the time and making darn sure I get a walk in every day. Hey, I wish I was one of those wonderful weight loss blogger people who never let us down and consistently lose weight and blog faithfully and never let life get in the way of all that. But I'm not. I was sick for 6 months. I got discouraged. I started gaining my weight back. I was very very close to becoming blind in one eye, with the other following closely behind. It was super duper hot this summer and I hate being hot and sweaty and I did NOT want to walk in that. I got bored with blogging and took a break. I should have announced that I was doing that, some people actually thought I died. Well this time around, I know what I'm doing, and blogging is for the accountability, so I don't care how incredibly boring my day is I'm going to write about it. And include my food diary. It really doesn't bother me if anyone reads this or not.
I love going to bed with calories to spare.
Ran across this website you have to visit:
http://thisiswhyyourefat.tumblr.com/
Oh the food on this! How do people come up with this stuff?
Enjoy it all.
Making wise choices because I hate being fat,
Laura
Sunday, October 30, 2011
Busy Sunday, No Nap for Me!
Church this AM, then putzed around on the computer. Took the LONG walk today around the horseshoe. Man that was hard! But I finished. I died a bit when I got home, sat on the front porch for about 10 minutes relaxing. Laid down for about 20 minutes, then got everybody up and out the door for evening church.
Then went to friend's for supper.
Now MG quite possibly has a stomach virus, she is white as a sheet. Don't give it to me!
Food for the day:
Standard 200 calorie breakfast
Homemade burrito 400 cal
Queso chips 160 cal
After church supper of 1 chili dog, 3 crackers, 1/3 banana with a bit of chocolate dip, 4 small pieces of cheese, 2 sips of punch, 1/2 small piece of banana cake--I estimate all this at 800 calories. I have absolutely no idea what everything really is, I just tried so hard to have small portions of a small amount of food.
But this is what real life is all about. I am not always going to have calorie information available to me. I can either
a. not eat at all which I would have died, I hadn't eaten since noon
b. do what I did, have 1 serving, stay away from pop.
I think I did okay. I really don't care what anybody else thinks. I set my own limits and goals. 1500 calories is what I shoot for, and if I actually DID go over, well, I did my best to stay under.
For the most part, I know exactly how many calories are in the foods I eat.
So pretty tired now, ready for bed. Can't believe Halloween is tomorrow. I only have 1 costume ready, MG is going to be the corpse bride, man I hope she isn't sick tomorrow! I totally didn't even think about a costume for Siah, or any of the other kids really. This whole retina surgery thing has taken up so much of my thoughts, why didn't I remember that more than 1 kid is going to want to trick or treat?
I also have to bag up the candy, which I forgot to buy little ziploc bags.
I walked by myself today. My normal walking partner was taking a nap. Lucky dog. Was a little hard, stopped 3 times for a breather! Funny how quickly your stamina goes away. Kind of had a few feelings of rebelliousness about walking. It's just so HARD right now. And I went through this at the very beginning of my journey, and I hate having to go through it again! That's why I never picked up smoking after I quit 20 years ago, I don't want to have to quit again it was so difficult. I guess maybe this is a good lesson for me. Don't stop walking/working out or I'll struggle again.
I have to have some kind of indoor exercise for when walking weather goes away. Because it will go away. I can't do anything jumpy/bouncy. I actually like the dance game we have for the wii. It's so fun and man does it knock me for a loop! That's what I want, something fun. Maybe I'll just do that? We also have wii fitness but I swear, when it comes to our tv and the wii I am a complete nincompoop about getting it to come on. You have to go to these special settings on the tv to turn it from tv to the wii, and I always have to have the kids do it for me. And yet I know so much about computers! Go figure!
Oh! I was horrified to discover that the walk around the horseshoe which I always thought was 1.7 miles is actually 1.15 miles! Now how did that happen? I did something wrong when I mapped my route and actually, it is really upsetting to find that it took me so long to walk ONE MILE. It was different thinking I was walking almost 2 miles. So I'm a little disconcerted.
Was a good day.
Making wise choices the theme of my life,
Laura
Then went to friend's for supper.
Now MG quite possibly has a stomach virus, she is white as a sheet. Don't give it to me!
Food for the day:
Standard 200 calorie breakfast
Homemade burrito 400 cal
Queso chips 160 cal
After church supper of 1 chili dog, 3 crackers, 1/3 banana with a bit of chocolate dip, 4 small pieces of cheese, 2 sips of punch, 1/2 small piece of banana cake--I estimate all this at 800 calories. I have absolutely no idea what everything really is, I just tried so hard to have small portions of a small amount of food.
But this is what real life is all about. I am not always going to have calorie information available to me. I can either
a. not eat at all which I would have died, I hadn't eaten since noon
b. do what I did, have 1 serving, stay away from pop.
I think I did okay. I really don't care what anybody else thinks. I set my own limits and goals. 1500 calories is what I shoot for, and if I actually DID go over, well, I did my best to stay under.
For the most part, I know exactly how many calories are in the foods I eat.
So pretty tired now, ready for bed. Can't believe Halloween is tomorrow. I only have 1 costume ready, MG is going to be the corpse bride, man I hope she isn't sick tomorrow! I totally didn't even think about a costume for Siah, or any of the other kids really. This whole retina surgery thing has taken up so much of my thoughts, why didn't I remember that more than 1 kid is going to want to trick or treat?
I also have to bag up the candy, which I forgot to buy little ziploc bags.
I walked by myself today. My normal walking partner was taking a nap. Lucky dog. Was a little hard, stopped 3 times for a breather! Funny how quickly your stamina goes away. Kind of had a few feelings of rebelliousness about walking. It's just so HARD right now. And I went through this at the very beginning of my journey, and I hate having to go through it again! That's why I never picked up smoking after I quit 20 years ago, I don't want to have to quit again it was so difficult. I guess maybe this is a good lesson for me. Don't stop walking/working out or I'll struggle again.
I have to have some kind of indoor exercise for when walking weather goes away. Because it will go away. I can't do anything jumpy/bouncy. I actually like the dance game we have for the wii. It's so fun and man does it knock me for a loop! That's what I want, something fun. Maybe I'll just do that? We also have wii fitness but I swear, when it comes to our tv and the wii I am a complete nincompoop about getting it to come on. You have to go to these special settings on the tv to turn it from tv to the wii, and I always have to have the kids do it for me. And yet I know so much about computers! Go figure!
Oh! I was horrified to discover that the walk around the horseshoe which I always thought was 1.7 miles is actually 1.15 miles! Now how did that happen? I did something wrong when I mapped my route and actually, it is really upsetting to find that it took me so long to walk ONE MILE. It was different thinking I was walking almost 2 miles. So I'm a little disconcerted.
Was a good day.
Making wise choices the theme of my life,
Laura
Saturday, October 29, 2011
Day Two of Being 'Back' Memories and What I Ate Today and I Lost 4 Pounds!
My very very first post:
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
Exciting, yes? Everyone says this is what you are supposed to do, journal while you lose weight, so I am succumbing to peer pressure and adding my own ramblings to the plethora of weightloss blogs out in the cosmos.
Tonight I walked with my buddy down the street. Had to pause 3 times to catch our breath! So glad she is willing to go with me, I'd hate to have to go alone.
I really have no way to judge how many calories I am eating right now. I guess I'll have to figure that out soon, right? So far I am attempting to eat when I am truly hungry and limit my portions. Sometimes it works. Sometimes it doesn't. There are just days when nothing satisfies, you know?
I know this: I never ever want to go back to the depression and discouragement that was my life before now. I had just basically given up. I know I needed to lose weight; I'm 47, and it is only going to get worse, but the sense of failure was so strong. I have tried off and on through the years but when I would mess up ONE TIME well, that was it, I was a failure, I knew I could never lose weight, and it was all over.
So my first two big goals are thus: to walk everyday, and to not give up. NEVER GIVE UP NEVER SURRENDER!
No matter what.
Oh, and officially this is day 10.
Kind of weird reading that. It was 2 years ago that things changed for me, never to go back to 'normal'. I have never given up. Never stopped trying. How glad I am to be 'back', putting weight loss front and center in my life. It kind of got shoved out of the way to make room for other things.
I am definitely not the same person I was then. Boy I know what I'm doing now. I count those calories, actually WRITE THEM DOWN. That does make a difference.
Someone else's first post. Yeah, it's one of those pensive days. Looking back and remembering how incredible it was that I found that blog early in my journey. I googled 'top weight loss blogs' and many of the ones I found were dead. Out of curiosity I checked the men's blogs in the list and there it was. Sean's blog. That was where I got my 1500 calories a day and walking from. When I found him, he had lost 170 pounds. I went back and over the course of 3 days I read every. single. post. starting from Day 1. Crying. Blubbering at the computer because I could relate to everything. I didn't start at 505, I started at 356, but it was still so familiar to me, everything.
Of course he has done wonderfully, hit goal of 235, wrote a book. I got lost dealing with sickness, life, and loss of vision. But my main goal has been to never give up. Never surrender. And I haven't. So thanks, Sean, for putting yourself out there for people like me. So many bloggers disappoint because they fail, they justify, they don't fulfill OUR dreams of losing weight, letting us down. You show us that you CAN have a bump in the road and you CAN figure out why and you CAN learn something from it and then you CAN go on. Okay I'm done with the gushing.
I made two things today that I had to use math skills to figure out how much a serving was. Chipped beef on toast, and rice krispy scotcheroos. Okay, after laborious thinking and using the calculator on my computer here is the results:
Chipped beef on toast--1/2 c on white bread 250 calories.
Scotcherooes: 1 serving 425 calories. FOUR HUNDRED TWENTY FIVE CALORIES for 1/24 of a 13x9 pan. Yeah, I'm freaking out too.
Okay here's my food eaten for the day:
1 serving cereal 120 cal
1/2 c milk 50 cal
1/2 c juice 50 cal
2 tostados 300 cal
1 sq ghiradelli 73 cal
2 servings chipped beef on toast 500 cal
1/2 serving scotcheroo 215
Incredible that it was dinner and the rice krispy thing that pushed me close to my 1500 limit. Looks like I'm skipping the popcorn tonight. I don't care.
Hubby is taking the kids to a rinky dink haunted house in a little town south of us. The kids are SO EXCITED. I am staying home. There's a slide at the end! I am not feeling the slide. Sure, I can go down. But will I go all the way down, or will I get stuck? And how am I getting up at the end? No way anyone's going to be able to haul me to my feet. How embarrassing to have to turn to all 4's to get up like I normally do, but doing it in front of other folks? No way.
So I'll be staying home, finishing up some laundry, doing the dishes, and messing around on the computer.
OH the big news I can't believe I didn't put it first! Ran into the clinic and had them check my blood pressure---130/80! AND I lost 4 pounds! Incredible! Unbelievable! Why am I always surprised that what I am doing is working? I guess because I'm not eating 'healthy' foods like everyone else does. I'm kind of jealous that they like that stuff. I don't. Every time I have tried to lose weight eating 'good for you' stuff I lasted about 1/2 an hour. I am having a surprising amount of success just eating what I always do, just less. And just walking! Man I wish I had a gym nearby. Well I don't have the money to join one so I guess it doesn't really matter. But just walking? How can that work? I don't know it just does. Weird.
Making wise choices a way of life,
Laura
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
Exciting, yes? Everyone says this is what you are supposed to do, journal while you lose weight, so I am succumbing to peer pressure and adding my own ramblings to the plethora of weightloss blogs out in the cosmos.
Tonight I walked with my buddy down the street. Had to pause 3 times to catch our breath! So glad she is willing to go with me, I'd hate to have to go alone.
I really have no way to judge how many calories I am eating right now. I guess I'll have to figure that out soon, right? So far I am attempting to eat when I am truly hungry and limit my portions. Sometimes it works. Sometimes it doesn't. There are just days when nothing satisfies, you know?
I know this: I never ever want to go back to the depression and discouragement that was my life before now. I had just basically given up. I know I needed to lose weight; I'm 47, and it is only going to get worse, but the sense of failure was so strong. I have tried off and on through the years but when I would mess up ONE TIME well, that was it, I was a failure, I knew I could never lose weight, and it was all over.
So my first two big goals are thus: to walk everyday, and to not give up. NEVER GIVE UP NEVER SURRENDER!
No matter what.
Oh, and officially this is day 10.
Kind of weird reading that. It was 2 years ago that things changed for me, never to go back to 'normal'. I have never given up. Never stopped trying. How glad I am to be 'back', putting weight loss front and center in my life. It kind of got shoved out of the way to make room for other things.
I am definitely not the same person I was then. Boy I know what I'm doing now. I count those calories, actually WRITE THEM DOWN. That does make a difference.
Someone else's first post. Yeah, it's one of those pensive days. Looking back and remembering how incredible it was that I found that blog early in my journey. I googled 'top weight loss blogs' and many of the ones I found were dead. Out of curiosity I checked the men's blogs in the list and there it was. Sean's blog. That was where I got my 1500 calories a day and walking from. When I found him, he had lost 170 pounds. I went back and over the course of 3 days I read every. single. post. starting from Day 1. Crying. Blubbering at the computer because I could relate to everything. I didn't start at 505, I started at 356, but it was still so familiar to me, everything.
Of course he has done wonderfully, hit goal of 235, wrote a book. I got lost dealing with sickness, life, and loss of vision. But my main goal has been to never give up. Never surrender. And I haven't. So thanks, Sean, for putting yourself out there for people like me. So many bloggers disappoint because they fail, they justify, they don't fulfill OUR dreams of losing weight, letting us down. You show us that you CAN have a bump in the road and you CAN figure out why and you CAN learn something from it and then you CAN go on. Okay I'm done with the gushing.
I made two things today that I had to use math skills to figure out how much a serving was. Chipped beef on toast, and rice krispy scotcheroos. Okay, after laborious thinking and using the calculator on my computer here is the results:
Chipped beef on toast--1/2 c on white bread 250 calories.
Scotcherooes: 1 serving 425 calories. FOUR HUNDRED TWENTY FIVE CALORIES for 1/24 of a 13x9 pan. Yeah, I'm freaking out too.
Okay here's my food eaten for the day:
1 serving cereal 120 cal
1/2 c milk 50 cal
1/2 c juice 50 cal
2 tostados 300 cal
1 sq ghiradelli 73 cal
2 servings chipped beef on toast 500 cal
1/2 serving scotcheroo 215
Incredible that it was dinner and the rice krispy thing that pushed me close to my 1500 limit. Looks like I'm skipping the popcorn tonight. I don't care.
Hubby is taking the kids to a rinky dink haunted house in a little town south of us. The kids are SO EXCITED. I am staying home. There's a slide at the end! I am not feeling the slide. Sure, I can go down. But will I go all the way down, or will I get stuck? And how am I getting up at the end? No way anyone's going to be able to haul me to my feet. How embarrassing to have to turn to all 4's to get up like I normally do, but doing it in front of other folks? No way.
So I'll be staying home, finishing up some laundry, doing the dishes, and messing around on the computer.
OH the big news I can't believe I didn't put it first! Ran into the clinic and had them check my blood pressure---130/80! AND I lost 4 pounds! Incredible! Unbelievable! Why am I always surprised that what I am doing is working? I guess because I'm not eating 'healthy' foods like everyone else does. I'm kind of jealous that they like that stuff. I don't. Every time I have tried to lose weight eating 'good for you' stuff I lasted about 1/2 an hour. I am having a surprising amount of success just eating what I always do, just less. And just walking! Man I wish I had a gym nearby. Well I don't have the money to join one so I guess it doesn't really matter. But just walking? How can that work? I don't know it just does. Weird.
Making wise choices a way of life,
Laura
Friday, October 28, 2011
Blog now Malware Free!
Wherein I ramble on about my life, catching everyone up who cares to be caught up.
How simply horrifying to discover that my blog had become infected with malware! But it's all taken care of, so you can freely visit my site now, if you wish. The thought of giving somebody else a virus freaked me out.
It has been a very interesting last couple of months. One morning I woke to find the vision in my left eye to be filled with 'debris'', like strings and dots and I was terrified I had worms in my eye. I almost wish I had. Found out I had a retinal tear in the left and the beginnings of one in the right. How it happened? My extreme nearsightedness and my AGE yes I said it my incredibly old AGE of 50. So I had to have emergency surgery, and I got to wear a patch, I was Pirate Mom. Then a month later I had the same thing done to the other eye. Now I still have 'debris' in my left eye which will supposedly go away in about 6 months to never. Yes, never. The right is great and I tell you what, I really appreciate my vision now. How easily it could have been taken away from me. And then I would have become dependent on everyone for the smallest of tasks.
So very thankful for the doctors who took care of everything so quickly.
I now take TWO blood pressure medicines. Yes, TWO. Around the time I had my eye stuff going on I had a physical and my blood pressure was 128/109. Yeah. But my blood work was beautiful!!! My doctor said she would kill to have numbers like I had. My blood work shows a total cholesterol of 156, with the good chol being 50 and the bad 92, my trig are 69 and blood sugars are normal. How can my blood be so wonderful yet my blood pressure so awful?! And all of my female parts are good. Ladies you know what I mean.
Took a walk today. Why it was a killer I have no idea.
My very boring menu for the day: (all foods measured/weighed)
1 serving Captain Crunch Peanut Butter cereal -- 120 calories
1/2 c milk -- 50 calories
1/2 c orange juice -- 50 calories
two tostados--300 calories
2 fun size milky way candy bars -- 160 calories
1 hotdog -- 130 calories
1 piece bread -- 70 calories
1/2 c chili --50 calories
1 1/2 servings fries --180 calories
1 square Ghiradelli chocolate -- 60 calories
Total calories: 1270 calories
But the day isn't over yet and I want popcorn, so I think I'll hit 1500 nicely.
It's been fun catching up on everyone's progress while I took my sabbatical from blogging. And some, like me, disappeared. But such is life. Things get in the way of writing, we get busy, bad stuff happens in our lives that kind of take over.
Oh. I'm going to be a Grandma. How could I forget that! My son and his wife are due end of next month, it's a girl named Delilah Jean. We're all excited, and I hope she has red hair like her mother.
It's so easy to slide back into old habits. Not walking, not writing down calories, not journaling, eating chips from the bag mindlessly, not measuring foods anymore. But it's either change, or helplessly watch yourself get bigger and bigger. And we are not helpless. Food truly has no control over us, no matter how much we think it does. I have always known that I am my own worst enemy. Why I try to destroy myself I have no idea, but I do. I wake up in the morning and I hate myself, I hate my life, I hate how big I am, I hate food, I hate everything. I have to stop those thoughts dead in their tracks and I pray, thanking God for all He has done for me, and asking Him for help for the day. Those evil thoughts are what has destroyed me oh so many years.
And I am not the only one. Evidently a lot of us folks have to change how we think to be successful in weight loss, well, in anything really. You all know what a fan I am of Sean, who continues to blow me away with the insights he has gained while dropping half his body weight. Even he, after all the weight he has lost, still has moments where bad habits rear their ugly heads.
Hard to accept, but this battle will go on for a long time.
Bring it.
How simply horrifying to discover that my blog had become infected with malware! But it's all taken care of, so you can freely visit my site now, if you wish. The thought of giving somebody else a virus freaked me out.
It has been a very interesting last couple of months. One morning I woke to find the vision in my left eye to be filled with 'debris'', like strings and dots and I was terrified I had worms in my eye. I almost wish I had. Found out I had a retinal tear in the left and the beginnings of one in the right. How it happened? My extreme nearsightedness and my AGE yes I said it my incredibly old AGE of 50. So I had to have emergency surgery, and I got to wear a patch, I was Pirate Mom. Then a month later I had the same thing done to the other eye. Now I still have 'debris' in my left eye which will supposedly go away in about 6 months to never. Yes, never. The right is great and I tell you what, I really appreciate my vision now. How easily it could have been taken away from me. And then I would have become dependent on everyone for the smallest of tasks.
So very thankful for the doctors who took care of everything so quickly.
I now take TWO blood pressure medicines. Yes, TWO. Around the time I had my eye stuff going on I had a physical and my blood pressure was 128/109. Yeah. But my blood work was beautiful!!! My doctor said she would kill to have numbers like I had. My blood work shows a total cholesterol of 156, with the good chol being 50 and the bad 92, my trig are 69 and blood sugars are normal. How can my blood be so wonderful yet my blood pressure so awful?! And all of my female parts are good. Ladies you know what I mean.
Took a walk today. Why it was a killer I have no idea.
My very boring menu for the day: (all foods measured/weighed)
1 serving Captain Crunch Peanut Butter cereal -- 120 calories
1/2 c milk -- 50 calories
1/2 c orange juice -- 50 calories
two tostados--300 calories
2 fun size milky way candy bars -- 160 calories
1 hotdog -- 130 calories
1 piece bread -- 70 calories
1/2 c chili --50 calories
1 1/2 servings fries --180 calories
1 square Ghiradelli chocolate -- 60 calories
Total calories: 1270 calories
But the day isn't over yet and I want popcorn, so I think I'll hit 1500 nicely.
It's been fun catching up on everyone's progress while I took my sabbatical from blogging. And some, like me, disappeared. But such is life. Things get in the way of writing, we get busy, bad stuff happens in our lives that kind of take over.
Oh. I'm going to be a Grandma. How could I forget that! My son and his wife are due end of next month, it's a girl named Delilah Jean. We're all excited, and I hope she has red hair like her mother.
It's so easy to slide back into old habits. Not walking, not writing down calories, not journaling, eating chips from the bag mindlessly, not measuring foods anymore. But it's either change, or helplessly watch yourself get bigger and bigger. And we are not helpless. Food truly has no control over us, no matter how much we think it does. I have always known that I am my own worst enemy. Why I try to destroy myself I have no idea, but I do. I wake up in the morning and I hate myself, I hate my life, I hate how big I am, I hate food, I hate everything. I have to stop those thoughts dead in their tracks and I pray, thanking God for all He has done for me, and asking Him for help for the day. Those evil thoughts are what has destroyed me oh so many years.
And I am not the only one. Evidently a lot of us folks have to change how we think to be successful in weight loss, well, in anything really. You all know what a fan I am of Sean, who continues to blow me away with the insights he has gained while dropping half his body weight. Even he, after all the weight he has lost, still has moments where bad habits rear their ugly heads.
Hard to accept, but this battle will go on for a long time.
Bring it.
Saturday, April 23, 2011
The Mopey Saturday Edition
Today is cleaning/cooking day in preparation for tomorrow. If you've been wondering why you can hear whines and moans in the air, it's coming from my house. Sorry! Making the kids help clean up around here always produces those sounds, and they travel far. Stopped at the store for last minute stuff, and then the kitchen stuff begins in earnest!
Having ham and all the fixings, and let's not forget I have to fix dinner for tonight too. Tuna casserole is what we'll be having, since my vegetarian daughter is home from college and fish is not meat to her, and is about one of the only things she eats when she is home, that and cheese pizza.
I just......am tired. Had a very long conversation with my Dad, complete with massive guilt trip, and with the residual emotions from yesterday makes for a drained day. I just can't shake the blues. Here it is, one of my favorite times of the year, where I get to cook massive amounts of food which I LOVE to do, and I'm feeling all droopy inside. I've got my ipod turned on to my 'sad' playlist, the one I play when I am feeling most sorry for myself. I do not want to be a victim, I hate being a martyr, I absolutely loathe people who get offended by something you do and then NEVER TELL YOU, but just wait around for an apology and you don't even know something is wrong. Then, when you DO find out, because they let it slip, they don't even give you a CHANCE to apologize. Thus proving to me that they don't WANT you to apologize, they WANT to be mad.
I took 3 computers up to his house for him to work on, and out of that I get one back, and it's a brand new one he bought to replace one! How can I be upset with someone who does something so kind?! Yet all the kindness is laced with these venomous barbs, and just like with my husband, I never see it coming. Ever. Always taken off guard. Which is why I am just......tired. And I think I'm getting a headache. And a toothache. I always seem to get those on Saturday when the dentist is closed.
So blah and ugh. I would love to lie down for a little bit and mope but college daughter is asleep on my bed. Sideways.
I think I have PLOM's disease. Poor Little Ole Me.
Having ham and all the fixings, and let's not forget I have to fix dinner for tonight too. Tuna casserole is what we'll be having, since my vegetarian daughter is home from college and fish is not meat to her, and is about one of the only things she eats when she is home, that and cheese pizza.
I just......am tired. Had a very long conversation with my Dad, complete with massive guilt trip, and with the residual emotions from yesterday makes for a drained day. I just can't shake the blues. Here it is, one of my favorite times of the year, where I get to cook massive amounts of food which I LOVE to do, and I'm feeling all droopy inside. I've got my ipod turned on to my 'sad' playlist, the one I play when I am feeling most sorry for myself. I do not want to be a victim, I hate being a martyr, I absolutely loathe people who get offended by something you do and then NEVER TELL YOU, but just wait around for an apology and you don't even know something is wrong. Then, when you DO find out, because they let it slip, they don't even give you a CHANCE to apologize. Thus proving to me that they don't WANT you to apologize, they WANT to be mad.
I took 3 computers up to his house for him to work on, and out of that I get one back, and it's a brand new one he bought to replace one! How can I be upset with someone who does something so kind?! Yet all the kindness is laced with these venomous barbs, and just like with my husband, I never see it coming. Ever. Always taken off guard. Which is why I am just......tired. And I think I'm getting a headache. And a toothache. I always seem to get those on Saturday when the dentist is closed.
So blah and ugh. I would love to lie down for a little bit and mope but college daughter is asleep on my bed. Sideways.
I think I have PLOM's disease. Poor Little Ole Me.
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