The Incredible Shrinking Woman

She's Home

2011-12-02T15:51:00.000-06:00

The Rescue Aid Society sprang into action today and accepted the mission to head into the wilds and bring Bekah back home! Things had soured spectacularly where she was, and my hubby, Eli and I went down and brought her back. She spends her time crying, but that will soon be over. I hope. Girls, boys are bad, stay away from them.
On the food front, I'm still making my little decisions all day. Today I had one M&M cookie that I made yesterday. (Yesterday I had one also). We stopped at McD's today because B hadn't eaten much in 3 days and I was super hungry. I thought man I'll just go ahead and get a big meal! But I didn't, I got what I always got, 616 calories of yummyness. And I'm full.
Tonight we are having MG's birthday party with a few girls. I am making tacos and R is bringing a cake from the bakery. I never really do anything 'party' like to the house, like put up streamers and balloons. Is that bad? I hope I'm not cheating her out of something wonderful.
Kitten is going to the vet on Monday. I noticed today she was ooching her bottom on the floor, as if it itched or something. And I noticed in her litter box she has diarrhea. Fascinating I know!!
Tomorrow we have 2 wedding receptions to go to. Fun fun!
Most times when I get something to eat I think 'there is no way this will be enough' and it always is. Why don't I remember that? It happens over and over. I feel so greedy sometimes. My Mom used to say that my eyes were bigger than my stomach. So true. When I make good decisions, I feel so happy with myself at night. I'm starting to really be serious about all this. If I think about pulling out a second cookie, I remind myself: You'll be so mad tonight that you did this--why don't you feel that way now? If it makes me mad then, it should make me mad to be tempted. Instead I want I want I want and that seems to take over my whole body.
There are 5 squealing 12 year old girls in my house right now. I must head out to prepare a feast for them all.
Making wise choices be what I want,
Laura

It's the Little Things, Stuff I Wish, and No More Scale!

2011-11-30T22:46:00.000-06:00

It's the small things. The little decisions that happen without fail over and over during the day that all add up to weight loss.

Scene 1: at the deli at the grocery store
I see they have crispitos!!!! Yummy flour tortillas wrapped around a chicken, green chili and cheese filling then deep fried, one of my absolute favorites! And there are 3 of them! I can't just eat one, so I'll get all 3 for my lunch.
But.
I have absolutely no idea how many calories they are, and right now, since I'm nowhere near maintenance mode but still in the losing mode, it's safer to eat something I am sure of.
So I made the decision to not get them.

Scene 2: In my kitchen at the fridge, then the sink
Oh look there's still half a french silk chocolate pie from Thanksgiving left but someone forgot to cover it and it's all dried up so I'm going to just pitch it in the garbage disposal. Hmmm, I bet the middle pieces are still good and I could get a few bites of non dried pie before I toss it.
Um, no, gross am I seriously that desperate that I am going to do that?! Pick at the pie that is dried out in the hopes I will find some morsels of softness? How pathetic is that.
So I immediately dumped it down the garbage disposal. I made the decision to not eat that pie.

Scene 3: the kitchen (again)
I wanted some Lay's potato chips. And nobody can eat just one. So since Rachel has lost my food scale somehow during the mad Thanksgiving cooking bonanza, I got out a bowl and estimated the best I could for one serving.
Now I COULD have taken the entire bag to the computer desk with me, or piled the bowl to overflowing with chips because dang, they are so salty and crispy and good.
I made the decision to eat that much and no more.

See what I mean? Three small moments in my day, easily looked over as not important, certainly not deal breaking, in the scheme of my weight loss. But it's those same decisions that I made day after day that add up to success. Because guess what. I will be making more decisions tomorrow. I don't know what they will be. I didn't expect the situations today. My successes today encourage me to more successes tomorrow. I guess they feed off of each other.

~~~~~~~~~~~~Stuff I Wish~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I wish I'd never lost focus this past year
I wish I didn't get as sick as I did this past year
I wish I'd never gotten so hideously fat
I wish I'd never told my family about my blog
I wish I'd never revealed my identity on this blog
I compare my posts from the first days to the stiff, heartless posts from now and the difference is striking. Now I have no idea who is reading this. So I find myself constrained to really pour my heart out like I did at first, because sure as shootin I am going to offend somebody. Trust me on this, I have offended so many people on facebook it would make your head spin. I offended someone by putting a sad face :-( in a comment on their post. THE GALL.
~~~~~~~~~~~~Done~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~Stuff that's different~~~~~~~~~~~
my pants are getting looser, at first I thought I was imagining it, but no, they are.
I don't feel as heavy. Okay that's a tough one there to describe, but that ponderous feeling is gone.
I seem to move quicker.
~~~~~~~~~~Kinda short but oh well~~~~~~~~~~

I have made a decision to not weigh anymore. I know, I know, blasphemy and all that! Instead, tomorrow Rachel and I are going to measure ourselves and keep track that way. Why you ask?
Let me tell you a story about me and scales. I hate them. They ruin my day. I dread getting on one. They have all this power over me, and when weigh day comes I am so stressed and freaked and not looking forward to it, I'm scared. Plain and simple scared of the scale!! Especially if I don't lose, or if I gain. And if I DO lose, it's never enough. I always think 'I worked so hard, sacrificed so much, and this is all I lost!!!' So for my sanity, I have put away the scale with joy and glee and embraced the measuring tape.

No grandbaby yet. It was due yesterday. Hard to be patient!

Making wise little choices all through my day,
Laura

The Day After

2011-11-25T18:05:00.000-06:00

Wow. Two days spent primarily cooking. Everything cleaned up nicely yesterday morning, (kids helping) and the food turned out great. My Dad ended up not coming. He hurt his back.

I was very pleased with everything--the kids just raved about the mashed potatoes! Go figure. The gravy was great, and everything turned out delicious.

I pretty much did nothing today.

And I didn't have that many leftovers, which was what I planned for dinner tonight, so now I have no idea what to make! Would be great if everyone would be happy to have pumpkin pie for dinner.

I ate pretty much everything I served. I tried to keep the portions small. I did have seconds before bed, of the turkey, potatoes, and gravy. All in all it was a pretty good day foodwise. But I did not stress about how many calories everything was. I just tried to keep the portions small.

Today my food was normal fare, except for dinner which I still have no idea what I will be making.

Rachel and Mary are out on the town, going to see The Muppets for her birthday.

The rest of the kids: slept in, watched tv or played video games all day, and pretty much got along nicely. They go back to school Tuesday.

For some reason I woke up early.

So it's been a lovely start to the holidays. No black Friday shopping, we haven't started decorating for Christmas yet. It's not even December. I like to wait til then. The kids all want to decorate sugar cookies this year, which I am horrible at rolling and cutting out but maybe I'll do better than before.

Bethany did well with her 'baby', but she didn't sleep much. I didn't hear a thing. *grin*

Making wise choices through the hustle and bustle,
Laura

Day before Thanksgiving

2011-11-23T15:56:00.000-06:00

I can pretty much sum it all up in these 4 words: I'm in the kitchen. Yes, when Thanksgiving is at my house, and my daughter doesn't cook so she isn't bringing anything, and my Dad doesn't cook so HE isn't bringing anything, then I have to cook it all.
So today I made the pumpkin pies, pretzel salad, boiled the eggs and peeled them, made the 2 vegetable casseroles.

Thankfully I have a nice roaster so the oven will be free for other things tomorrow.

Tonight hubby will make the pecan pies because he has discovered that cooking is easy! I tried to hide it from him but he's too clever. So now the pecan pies are HIS thing which is allright by me.

Kids are out of school until next Tuesday.

Food I have been eating:
cereal
milk
burrito made with my taco meat
chips
1 no bake cookie
chili with cheese (haven't eaten yet but will)
Yesterday I ate the same except I had a homemade hamburger for dinner.
And I did take a few tastes of the stuff I've been making. Tomorrow will be a wonderful day! I will be allowing myself 1000 extra calories.

Oh and I cheated this year. Rachel brought home fresh rolls from the bakery so I don't have to make them!

The Beginning of the week from hell

2011-11-21T21:00:00.000-06:00

Yep, Thanksgiving is in 3 days. And I thought it was going to be just my little family but then my dad said he was coming. So now my house has to be 'dad clean'. Which is slightly worse than 'mother-in-law' clean. I wish he had told me last week, then it wouldn't be so stressful!

Rachel and I were out and about today, picking up some bday presents for Mary and some cranberry sauce which for some reason I could not find at walmart. So it was a fun day.

Food I ate today
cereal
juice
mcdouble and fries
no bake cookie
spaghetti and 2 meatballs
salad
4 pieces of bubble bread

We're counting the days til the new little grandbaby hits the scene. But until then we have Bethany's baby she brought home from school--Everett. And it is very comical her responses to it. She gets flustered so quickly, especially when people are watching how she is going to handle all the crying. She is NOT happy about taking it to school tomorrow, but it is for a grade what can you do? It will be interesting to see how she handles it during the night.

Man I had 8 babies. I remember how hard it was! And I had no help either. My husband didn't wake up at night ever. I was on my own. I really don't know how I did it all. Especially the last one, how in the WORLD did I homeschool and cook and take care of all those children!

Dinner was really good tonight.

I am noticing a difference in how my pants fit.

Making wise choices be my new standard of living,
Laura

I have no fascinating title for this post

2011-11-20T22:57:00.000-06:00

Food I ate today:
cereal
juice
half a sonic chili dog
half fries
half can of root beer (see a trend there?)
1/3 of a hoagie, and a few chips. For some reason it was really gross. Later I had
crackers with cheese
one small brownie

The choices I make set the tone for my day. Even when I don't make a conscious decision I am still deciding. Some days losing weight falls to the back burner. Other things creep in and take priority. But I still have the habit of checking calories; watching portion sizes; noticing satisfied signals to stop eating instead of the stuffed feeling.

This is where habits come into play. And if I grab 2 brownies; eat everything I order at sonic; eat food that doesn't taste good to me; well, I'll be doing what I did before. And remember--if I do what I always did, I'll get what I always got.

But I like my shape in the mirror. I feel pretty. I am not starving to death. If I get hungry I eat. How great is that?

All those years--waiting for something miraculous to happen--that special something--the pill, or secret trick, or special food that would be the answer to all my problems--all those years wasted when I could have been eating less of the foods I already enjoy. In the end, I didn't need someone to reach down and make everything come together perfectly for me to lose weight.

All it took was for me to say 'okay', I'm going to do this starting right now.

And what joy! What freedom! I still carry around weight but my heart is light! How I have hated myself for being such a pig, so gross, so out of control. How my life has changed! I don't hate myself anymore. I feel confident, lovely, graceful, full of smiles that I freely bestow on others. And just because I count my calories? You bet!

There are people who do not understand why I feel this way. How can food be that big of a deal? What a good question. How DID it become such a big deal to me? Hmmm.

So the kids are home 2 days this week. Then off until NEXT TUESDAY. Nobody asked ME if they should have 4 days off from school. I just might go crazy.

Oh, and my daughter is going to be pregnant for 3 hours tomorrow, then she'll have a baby for 3 days. Now that's the way to do it, right? It's for her child development class. She has to take this doll with her everywhere--even with her at night!--to take care of it. And I guess it cries until you do whatever it needs. Going to be an interesting couple of days.

Making wise choices be my choice today,
Laura

Blah

2011-11-19T21:59:00.000-06:00

I almost didn't post tonight because today has been filled with a lot of little unfun things and I hate reading blogs where the person just complains over and over, even if is justified. So let's just say that when dogs have diarrhea it makes your life a living hell and I wish I didn't have teenagers and leave it at that.

Food I ate today:
cereal
juice
2 tostadas
ripple chips with french onion dip
1 chicken fried steak--I actually made this from scratch! My favorite food since I was a kid, and I've never made it until today.
mashed potatoes
gravy
creamed corn
1 bite of a killer brownie
I am so tired of writing down all the calories.
I knew I was having a big dinner so I toned down on the breakfast and lunch on purpose so I wouldn't have to agonize over dinner.

Much busyness in the days ahead. Thanksgiving and all the cleaning and cooking associated with that; my daughter's 12th birthday; her 12th birthday party with friends; decorating sugar cookies with my kids; Christmas decorating and shopping; my first grandbaby is going to be born sometime in all that mess.

Actually writing down 'my grandbaby' looks so very very weird. The thought of ME being a grandma is incredible. Grandmas are---well, they're OLD. My Grandma was old. Hard to accept that I, too, am OLD. I had always hoped that by the time I hit this time of my life I wouldn't be dealing with my weight still. Sometimes I feel like I'll be struggling with food for the rest of my life. I just don't see an end in sight, and that is part of what is making my day so stinky.

Making wise choices even when I'm tired of making wise choices,
Laura

Lovely day with hubby!

2011-11-17T21:22:00.000-06:00

He worked 67 hours in 6 days. So he was exhausted. He slept until 10, and then I fed him sausage, scrambled eggs, toast and juice for breakfast. Later we went to Walmart, the library, and the hardware store. And might I add how much fun it was just to be with him! I am so glad he's home.

Then he was hungry and we went to a little truck stop that has the best food in the world and we both had biscuits and gravy--he had 3, I had 1. It was a lovely lovely day!

After the kids got home I made chocolate chip cookies. Sam had 5 boys over after school to play video games. They ate ALL the cookies.
So after dinner I made toffee bars. Simple and delicious, and very portable. David and Eli like to have a little sweet in their lunches they take everyday.

Dinner, I made vegetable soup and toasted cheese sandwiches. And it is very very cold outside AND in the house. But I ate something different.

Food I ate today:
1 toast 100
2 sausage links 120
2 scrambled eggs 150
1 biscuit and gravy no idea
hash browns no idea
1 sausage patty no idea
2 tostadas 300
1 toffee bar

It's funny, I seriously never eat anywhere but my home but in the last week it's been nuts. Hubby wanted to eat out and I was hungry too, so there you go. I'm pretty sure I ate under 1500 calories. But I wanted to make sure so I had a 300 calorie dinner. And a toffee bar. Mmmmm it really did hit the spot.

Tonight was a crazy one. Bethany gone with her friends to a youth group thing. MG had detention (!) then a book club THEN she went to a bunch of basketball games. Eli and Sam headed up north to 'the city' and Sam is supposedly getting his hair cut. Have I ever mentioned that Sam has hair down to the middle of his back? Yes, quite hippy like. And of course it's beautiful, smooth brown hair, and he doesn't even use conditioner! We'll see if he actually DOES get it cut.

Oh and Meatball has something wrong with his ears, was scratching ferociously and hurt them. Rachel took him to the vet---and----Meatball was bad at the vet. He scratched one of the helpers very badly and they didn't even do anything to him because he was so freaked out. Rachel said when the man helper picked him up and put him on the table and laid on him to hold him still that Meatball SCREAMED. I didn't know dogs could scream. She thinks he hurt him somehow when he laid on him. And she doesn't want to go back to that vet ever again! She was pretty upset. And so was Meatball. We do have some steroids to give him, and ear drops. Huh. Ear drops? And someone please tell me how we are going to put drops in his ear when the vet couldn't even touch his ear.
All in all a very full day for all. Maybe, hopefully, I'll have the house all to myself tomorrow.

Making wise choices through the turmoil of everyday life,
Laura

Day of Surprises

2011-11-16T22:01:00.000-06:00

Went out today with some women from my church, and had a lovely time. But. I didn't know it was for lunch! I just thought we were going to go poke around some thrift stores.

So they pull up to a mexican restaurant that everyone just raves and raves about, I guess they go there all the time. I chose carefully the chicken enchiladas, I knew I could bring home leftovers. Well. It was disgusting. The food had no flavor whatsoever. I thought the chicken would be spicy or something but no. And it came with beans and rice. Again, bland. I couldn't believe it!

I ate part of one before I decided there was no way on earth I was going to be able to eat anymore of it. So I boxed it up and nobody batted an eye that I hardly touched my food. That always surprises me. I always expect others to get offended that I don't eat. Now why is that? Isn't that weird of me?

So here I said I wouldn't be eating out anymore and then I did! Oh well. Leftovers are in the fridge. Anybody want some disgusting bland food help yourself. I am never eating there again if I can help it. Poor owners of that place! Do they eat it themselves? Do they know what it's like? Is there something wrong with ME? Or my tastebuds? Meh.

Had fun looking at all the stuff in the stores. Bought 2 shirts and a frog for my sink to hold scrub pads. I have always wanted one and never see them ever! I am very happy.

I ranted yesterday. Yes, I did. I apologize if I offended anyone. There is no ONE WAY that works and if we don't follow the ONE WAY we are not doing wrong. I feel that many of us are sabotaged by well meaning folks telling us what to eat and do and how often and we don't trust ourselves anymore. I guess that's what I'm doing. Trusting myself. See, I have read about weight loss my entire life. The only things I haven't done is surgery and the ones where they ship you your food. So I think I have it all figured out quite nicely.

Food I ate today
cereal 120
milk 60
most of a small no flavor chicken enchilada and 3 bites of beans. I have no idea how many calories that is. I will guesstimate high and say 500 calories?
1 glazed donut. Yes. My daughter works at a bakery and I was starving and I ate one. 200 calories.
2 tostadas 300
grabbed a few chips 50?
total 1230 calories

My husband is finally home. All is right with my world.

Making wise choices because I can,
Laura

Well, it's starting again.

2011-11-15T18:37:00.001-06:00

Yes. I've been back on the wagon, doing fine. Only took 2 weeks this time for someone to tell me I'm 'doing it wrong'. Sigh.

Okay people, I have tried and tried and tried. and tried. to lose weight the way everyone else says to. I've done it all. I've cut out the sugar. I've cut out the processed foods. I've eaten lean meats and no fat. I've looked at the recipes for steamed cauliflower and roasted brussel sprouts. And it would last oh about a couple of hours? maybe? Because see I have no willpower. I have no strength. I am a soft mooshy marshmallow.

Do you even KNOW how long it took me to discover that I can lose weight my OWN way?

I have failed over and over in my attempts to lose weight. I have been over 200 for 20 years, over 300 for 10 years! It got to where I didn't care, I had given up, I would NEVER be able to eat all the great wonderful nutritious foods that 'they' say you 'have' to eat to lose weight. So I thought I was doomed.

And then.

Yes, I discovered this incredible shocking truth. If you limit your calories, you can eat anything you want and still lose weight.

Maybe I didn't make myself clear. I will repeat that.

If you limit your calories, you can eat anything. you. want. and still lose weight.

So that is my explanation to anonymous commenters on my blog. I really really wish I liked all the stuff I'm 'supposed' to eat to lose weight. Like fish. And egg whites, no yolks. And fat free cheeses and fat free hotdogs and fat free everything. And diet pop. But there's this really horrible picky child that lives within my soul and there is nothing I can do about it. I like what I like. YOU like what YOU like. They're different? Yay! Yay for the freedom to eat whatever you want!

I'm sure my anonymous commenter meant well. I'm sure he/she did not intend to discourage me from even trying to lose weight because gee I don't eat vegetables which adds guilt which is a slippery spiral slope downward into the pit of hell for me.

So I harbor no ill will towards you, friend.

Food I ate today:
cereal 120
milk 60
half a chili dog from sonic 300
half the fries maybe 150?
root beer 160--son had comprehensive eye exam today, with dilation, everything. Last meal eaten out for a long, long time.
half can of tun with 1 T miracle whip 90
1 bread toasted 70
more fries 150
brownie 400
Total of 1500 calories for the day.

Husband comes home possibly late tomorrow night, so tomorrow is the last day I have a car during the day. I am taking a trip to 'the city' and going to the walmart supercenter because I'm out of flour and I cook so much from scratch I buy the HUGE bag. And I also need a new pair of slippers.

And Thanksgiving is next week! I've got my menu all planned, the family invited. Rachel and I will be ironing tablecloths and napkins, deciding on table decorations, counting plates and stuff like that THIS WEEK. And possibly Bekah is coming home next week for the whole week. I have no idea where she will sleep but she is welcome to come!

Making wise choices and standing strong against the wind of discouragement,
Laura

Good Day Eating, Tough Day in my Heart

2011-11-14T18:56:00.000-06:00

I'm tired of complaining about my kids so I won't. So let's just say today was not a red banner day.

Food I ate:
cereal 120
milk 60
McDouble and small fry 616
hamburger helper 1/2 c 180
roll 90
some sliced peaches but I don't know how much that is.
I am going to have a small brownie and milk before I go to bed.

It's cold. And I'm just tired.

Not much to say today. Just very glad that I am not running to food to comfort myself through this difficult time.

Making wise choices in the midst of my storm tossed life,
Laura

Teenager Teenagers I'm Gonna Lose My Mind and I'm a Winner!

2011-11-13T23:12:00.000-06:00

So this whole mess with Sam is driving me bonkers. He has missed 10 days of school so far this year, and has been fine all weekend, and comes downstairs with vomit. In a cup. To show me that he threw up. And has to stay home from school tomorrow. I said you have to go to school anyways, you don't have the stomach flu, we don't know what's wrong, it seems to be a random thing, blah blah. Well. He's desperately ill, didn't I SEE the vomit in the cup? Ugh. I wish I'd had the guts to smell it. Vomit has that distinct odor you know. I hate to say my son is faking when I know something is wrong but dang. He's known all weekend he was going to school tomorrow. He will be missing school on Tuesday so he can go have his eyes dilated and a comprehensive exam to see if maybe something is wrong with his vision that could be causing his headaches.

Headaches, diarrhea, insomnia, loss of appetite. Good gravy it could be anything. They tested his blood: everything's fine. No elevated white count. All organs working properly. If something horrid turns up on his cat scan I will feel like the worst. parent. EVER. I just feel in my gut that he needs to go to school, that if something big does show up, we will make arrangements through the doctor and the school for him to stay home and have a teacher come a couple of times a week to our home to keep him up on his homework. But until then. I have to do the best I can to keep the principal from calling me and telling me that it's 'policy' that no student misses more than 7 days a semester. Like it's the law or something. I went through this 2 years ago with Bekah when she had mono. Ugh.

Sorry to bore any unfortunate readers of this blog, remember, the blog is for ME not for YOU.

Thankfully my husband is in agreement with me that he needs to be in school until we figure out what's going on.

*********Done with the Drama in My Life********

So today was a good day. I had a HUGE chocolate craving. Actually, I've had it for a few days now. I found myself nitpicking little things through the days, a little here, a little there, and last night I sat and thought about what I REALLY wanted.

I wanted chocolate.

I mean, something good chocolate.

Like something I bake. So I decided to make my (world famous) peanut butter chocolate brownies. Yes, I had a taste of batter. Then I filled the bowl with water. Yes, I had a taste of icing. Then I filled the pot with water.

Then, tonight, after we got back from church, I cut 1/24 of the pan, nuked it 30 seconds in the microwave, poured my cup of milk, and MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM that hit the spot.

Funny, I haven't thought about chocolate--or any food--all night.

Food for the day:
cereal 120
milk 60
2 tostadas 300
1 serving queso chips 160
1 corndog with mustard 180
1 oz fries --I guess 50 calories? The package said 3 oz 150 calories, and I ate 1/3 of that.
1 luscious warm gooey chocolatey brownie 400 (I hope it's actually less and not more than that but I really don't care)
1 cup milk 120
Total 1390

I felt good today. Good in the I'm in the zone way. I turned down a second corndog, made the brownies this afternoon and didn't eat one until tonight, measured all my food. If I go backwards, eat the way I have for years, then I will look and feel the way I have for years. Which is awful. Discouraging. I'm tired of all that.
I'm tired of not liking what I see in the mirror.
I'm tired of clothes looking just not quite right on me.
I'm tired of flesh under my neck.
I'm tired of having huge, ugly legs, full of cellulite and pretty gross looking.
I'm tired of feeling tired.
I'm tired of the 'fat life'. I am so over it.

Man I can't believe I am 50, and I have struggled with this since I was 14! I never ever thought I would spend 36 years battling and never conquering this! This? I mean myself. Yes, sad but true, nobody held me down and threatened me with torture if I didn't eat more food. I did this to myself. I have no thyroid problem--even though I prayed for one. I even believed that if I ever DID get cancer, it would be the only kind that caused you to GAIN weight, not lose it. I have eaten myself to this hideous state.

Well then. The answer is not to remove certain foods from my life. The answer is not to add certain foods to my life. Actually the answer has nothing to do with food at all. The answer is I have to battle and conquer myself. And it's a daily thing.

Sometimes I do great, other times I feel like this out of control monster and that really knocks me for a loop.

Funny, I always thought I was weak. But I'm finding how strong I really am. If I can say 'yes I want this food I am going to eat it and nobody and nothing better stand in my way', then I can say 'okay, I may want this food but I am NOT going to eat it if it shoots me over my calories and nobody and nothing can change my mind'.

I can be strong and eat myself into Jabba the Hutdom, or I can be strong and control my eating. I like the idea that I am actually strong and not this weak helpless creature. That when the desire comes to eat more than I really want to, I can fight the desire. And win.

I win all the time now.

I am a strong winner!

Making wise winning choices through thick and thin,

Laura

Cool New Saying

2011-11-12T15:22:00.000-06:00

If you do what you always did, you get what you always got.

I was reading a book and I saw that clever saying and I am putting it on my sidebar as a constant reminder to myself that if I eat the way I used to, I will look the way I used to.

If I eat mindlessly; never measuring anything; drink lots of root beer and chocolate milk; have 1, 2, 3 brownies and a big glass of milk; go out to eat and order whatever looks good and eat it ALL, including dessert; eat far into the night; and never watch my calories or portion sizes; then I WILL GAIN WEIGHT.

Instead, I count my calories; have only one; eat several small meals a day; have only a small amount of calories be from what I drink; measure everything I eat; try to be as accurate as possible on my calories; if I eat out, I either save calories for what I want or I eat half; and I am LOSING WEIGHT.

Food yesterday:
1 piece of pizza
1 breadstick
2 chicken baja chalupas
1 order of nachos
And that, my friends, is about 1540 calories. Yes. Yes, I ate out twice yesterday and enjoyed every. single. moment. It doesn't happen that often that I eat something I didn't cook. I knew it was going to happen, so I skipped breakfast except for milk to take my pills. I wanted to make sure I had about 1000 calories for my night out with my girls. At first we were going to go to Applebee's but since everyone and their brother was there, we went to Taco Bell instead. And I am glad glad GLAD! I do NOT like Applebee's. Everything there is so high in calories!! I was going to get their boneless chicken wings but that is 1100 calories. WithOUT the ranch dipping sauce. And not counting the fries. I was in agony. We had much more fun at Taco Bell, we were the only people there for a long time, and I was FULL after that and didn't eat another thing for the rest of the day.

Food for TODAY:
1 serving capn Crunch 120
6 oz milk 60
2 tostados 300
1 serving queso chips 160
1 very small square (2 small bites) Scotcheroos

Haven't eaten dinner yet. Since my husband is out of town I am making 'kid-friendly' meals for the family. Stuff like corn dogs, frozen pizza, popcorn chicken. I don't like all that, and I'm not sure what I will eat tonight. I might have soup (180), or a french bread pizza (380).

It's incredibly boring around here. No husband to look for in the evening. No husband to cook for. I'm not sleeping well so I'm tired. And of course, my youngest wants to sleep with me because Daddy's not home. I feel whiny and complainy. Blah. I used to comfort myself with food. Now I just get busy, cleaning up the kitchen, or vacuuming, or whatever.

All in all, good days.

Making wise choices, even when eating out,
Laura

For some reason this was a long long day

2011-11-10T21:58:00.000-06:00

Hubby left for Iowa this morning. He called me tonight to tell me he is going to be gone until next Friday! I was thinking until Wednesday, for some reason 2 more days without him is awful. I just don't like being the only parent here.

Tonight I had to go around the house and make sure the trash was all gathered, then take it to the curb. I had to walk the dogs. I had to do the dishes, make sure the kids brushed their teeth, fought off the ones who thought they were going to sleep with me because Daddy is gone, and finally they're all upstairs bedding down.

I have to get up super early tomorrow so we can be at the hospital by 8 for my son's cat scan. Why is it so hard to get up at 6:30?

And I don't know why but the dogs are especially smelly tonight and they are ALL. IN. MY. ROOM.

We had a kitten named Lucy who refused to use the litter box. Notice I said 'had'. She followed Rachel on her walk with the dogs and ended up at a house down the street where they 'took in a stray' and--yes--found a good home for her!! Well bust my britches. They can have her and good riddance. There is nothing worse than having a sweet kitten who poohs all over everything in the house. I found out about all this through facebook, following threads. At first I didn't think it was Lucy, but as the days passed and she didn't show up I realized what had happened. Yay!!!!!

Pollyanna is still sweet, lovable, and uses the litter box faithfully. And is an indoor kitty. And such a love! So fun to play with her. For some reason she has to sleep with me, and it's just like sleeping with a baby. You don't move because you're afraid to wake the baby. You don't move the baby, because you're afraid they'll wake up. I have not been sleeping well for the last few weeks.

Food for the day
cereal 120
milk 60
2 tostados 300
moz sticks from sonic 440
Katie's Dip with tortilla chips-- I know the chips were 160, more like 200, I have no idea how much the dip was but it smelled so good I decided to just have that for dinner. Besides, the kids had pizza rolls and I despise those things. I only had 1 serving of the dip.
I'm just really hoping that the total is 1500. It is probably less but to be safe I'm calling it a night.

Yes, today is the first of many 'kid friendly' meals I will be preparing while my hubby is gone. Stuff like corndogs, chicken strips, mac and cheese, chili dogs. Not sure if I will be eating the same stuff they are.

And what's with the no walking? This whole time change thing messes me up every year and before I realize it, it's dark outside. I am not walking in the dark. So no walk again today.

Thanksgiving is 2 weeks from today. So the holidays are pretty much right around the corner. I think tomorrow, after we get back from the hospital, or maybe even while I'm there in the waiting room, I'm going to make the first of my lists. You know, menus for the big meals, how many people will be there, Christmas presents for the kids, stuff like that. Will be good to take my mind off my son's brain.

Making wise choices in the midst of the storm,
Laura

Why did I have so many children? and kind of a sad, discouraged day

2011-11-09T22:18:00.000-06:00

Teenagers. Someone once said when kids turn 16 you seal them in a barrel and pass them food and water through a hole. Then when they turn 18 you plug the hole. I tell you what. I am just going to lose my mind. I tell my daughter that she's been gone too much and she has to spend the entire afternoon/evening with her family and she is completely outraged. It would have been funny if it was someone else's kid.

I didn't pay attention to time today, and was fighting the urge to eat (stupidly) and then just a bit ago I realized I wasn't eating frequently enough, I'd skipped my snack so no wonder I was feeling frantic. I had a few fritos; a couple bites of a cookie; some gummy worms. If I had had my head together, I could have had a nice bit of a snack! I didn't go over my calories, not by a long shot, but it was still quite disconcerting to find myself out of control like that--all because I was hungry. I should have just calmly gotten something to eat.

So tomorrow I will pay more attention to time and make sure to eat my snacks. Sometimes I am such a big baby. I was really getting upset with myself over this earlier. This whole thing with my daughter isn't helping either.

Food for the day:
2 pieces bacon 80
1 egg 90
1 toast 70
butter 51
oj 84
2 tostadas 280
5 gummy worms 68
handful of fritos 80
3 bites of a cookie 72
1 1/2 pizzas made on english muffin halves I think around 350 calories, I'm making it kind of high because I didn't weigh or measure anything when I made them (I made 2 dozen of these things the kids wiped them out can you believe it)
Total 1231

No walk even though it was beautiful and sunny out! The day just got away from me.

My son is having severe headaches, so he is scheduled for a cat scan on Friday AM. He thinks it's cool but I'm terrified they're going to find a tumor and he'll have 3 months to live. No wonder my son calls me 'worst-case-scenario-mom'. Pray for him. And me too.

Making wise choices even when I don't think I am,
Laura

Learning to Deal with Wanting More

2011-11-08T19:39:00.000-06:00

Today has just been one of those days.

First, my 16 year old son Sam has been sick off and on since he got back from working at camp all summer. He has already missed 7 days of school this semester. So he has been suffering from massive headaches for 1 1/2 weeks, diarrhea, nausea, can't sleep, not hungry, and oddly nightmares. Took him to the doctor today, and we're scheduled for a cat scan, a very comprehensive eye exam, they did blood work. I am trying not to freak out, but seriously, that is what I am best at.

So I'm praying a lot, and when I don't know what to do, I take the advice of Elisabeth Elliot and I do the next thing. So this afternoon I folded clothes; went to the grocery store; made pancakes and sausage for dinner. Now I am writing this post. When I am done I will clean the kitchen. And finish up the laundry. I just feel tired today.

And this wanting more crud. Did I really think I would be able to change everything just because I decided to lose weight? Of course I'm still going to be greedy and want more because that's the way I was for YEARS! I can't let this derail me. Just because I think or feel I want more doesn't mean I am a failure. It doesn't mean I will never lose weight. It always takes me by surprise. I ate lunch today, and was full, and I had this hankering for something, anything, just so I could be eating. And I ate my lunch nice and slow. I had to say no. Man it's almost painful this desire that comes over me, it's like I have to have something right now and it's panicky. Saying no doesn't hurt at all, which always surprises me, and as I move on I quickly forget about it.

I will probably want more tonight. And tomorrow. And when that happens I can't let myself get upset, because it's going to happen, and it's okay to want more, I will just not give in.

I'm sorry to go on I was just pouring my thoughts out in here.

Food I ate:
cocoa puffs 120
milk 81
french bread pizza 380
chips 160
root beer 160
pancake with syrup 200
2 sausage 150
milk 120
1.5 oz M&M's 70

No walk because of the rain, but it should be clearing up tonight and we'll have bright sunny skies tomorrow.

I hope I get a good night's sleep tonight. I haven't been sleeping well for some reason.

Making wise choices even through the tough times,
Laura

It's Raining a Whole Lot!

2011-11-07T19:16:00.002-06:00

Yes, rain has hit the midwest and all I can think of is I hope some trickles down to Texas. We needed rain bad but I think they need it worse.

So no walk today. Rachel and I did some errands and then I have been chained to my washer and dryer, folding, folding. And I officially do NOT like Lucy the kitten anymore. You would not BELIEVE the amount of little poo piles I have found in the dirty clothes. Ugh!

This morning, my husband let her in the house and she went right to the rug in the kitchen and poohed right there. Yep. She was like 6 inches from the litter box. She so wants to be an outdoor kitty, even a barn kitty I can feel it!!! Thankfully Pollyanna is a good sweet darling kitten and uses the litter box consistently. This has become a sore trial for me!

I make my own detergent now. I can tell you are totally impressed. I found a recipe on the Duggar family website and I make the dry, not the liquid. I have a front loader, so I use 1 T of this detergent. Yes, you read that right. One tablespoon.
So I made a triple batch today. I had all the inexpensive ingredients in my cabinet already, so thankfully I didn't need to buy any of them since we are strapped to the gills. I feel so proud of myself for doing this! And the best part is it is just like store bought detergent but much much cheaper and eco friendly!

Today I struggled with wanting more. No reason. I just wanted more. Just one of those things I'm going to have to deal with. Why do I want more? At lunch I just didn't feel satisfied with what I ate. Okay I have to make a decision here. Either I am doing something wrong or I once again am facing sabotage from my evil inner Laura, the one who always tries to destroy everything.

So I'm going to continue planning my calories and walking and if I want more, tough. What, am I going to starve to death? Hahahahahahaha! It would probably take me like 3 years to starve to death.
I AM NOT GOING TO STARVE if I don't give in to this.

I'm kinda tired of posting what I ate for the day but I'm doing it anyways and you can skip it if you want. It's for me, not you.

Food I ate:
cocoa puffs 120
milk 60
mcdouble and small fry 616 cal
1/2 c chili 149
1 slice american cheese 60
1 serving of fritos 160

No walk but yay it's raining and raining.

Do you know how hard it is to take 3 dogs outside to go to the bathroom when they're all terrified of getting wet and won't go? It's fun.

I think my blog is hard to read so I am trying to change things up a bit. Putting in paragraphs, changing the color and setup of my blog, stuff like that. I don't even know how many people read this anymore. I was gone for a bit.

Oh, my husband goes out of town on Wednesday and I get to be MomDad while he's gone for the week. Fun in the sun! Not really. I hate being in charge of everything, the dogs, the trash, carting kids around, the discipline, the chores, everything. It's not even like a party when he's gone, I miss him so. Well, one good thing, I can stay up as late as I want on the computer in my bedroom and he won't complain of the clacking of the keyboard and the clicking of the mouse.

Making wise choices, evil Laura, whether you like it or not,
Good Laura

I Love Food

2011-11-06T20:24:00.001-06:00

I love food.
I love to cook it.
I love the way it smells.
I love the different textures of it.
I just love it.
I hate that I was this out of control crazed being when it came to food.
I hate that I ate so much food that I ended up at my highest known weight of 356.
If I liked to drink, I know I would be an alcoholic. A really bad one.
If I used drugs, I would be the worst of the worse. Probably strung out on meth.
Instead, I use food, and I am fat.
If I did use drugs or alcohol, I could quit them completely and be done. But. With food, I still have to eat. Everyday. For the rest of my life.
So I have to learn to deal with food, with my attitude towards it, because it's not going to go away.
It's like I have this inner self who is bent on my total destruction through overeating. I eat a cookie. I want another. I have one helping of chips. I want to grab the bag and just shove chips in my mouth. I drive by Taco Bell. I want to hit the drive-thru--even if I have just eaten--and get some chalupas. Why am I like this? How did I come to this?
People all over the world eat and have normal lives and are not heavy. They eat breakfast lunch and dinner, they have cake and ice cream at birthday parties, they go to football games and drink beer and eat hotdogs, and they stay the same size. How? Why can't I? Why does food have to be this conscious decision? Why do I have to feel guilty for eating ONE cookie?
It's as if there's this secret club that I am not nor ever will be part of. The club of people who stay the same weight all the time. My husband is in the club. My husband's family is in this club. My Dad is. Is my body made up differently?
I remember being young and not even ever thinking about my weight. I just was a kid, I liked certain foods, I didn't like others. I don't remember it being a very big deal.
I remember being pregnant with my very first son and being horrified to buy maternity underwear--it was waist high! I had always worn bikini underwear.
When you walk down a flight of stairs, you don't take one step and you're at the bottom. You walk down them one by one. And so it was with my weight gain. It wasn't just one incident. It was a series of things:
I got married and discovered I could eat exactly what I liked when I liked
I had 2 babies in 2 years and didn't lose the weight
I then struggled a bit with losing but wasn't much successful because
I starting pumping out those babies on the assembly line. Yes, 4 years after I had my first 2, I had a baby every other year until I filled my quiver with 8 little arrows. And ended up at 300 pounds.
My Mother passed away from cancer and I sunk down into depression and ended up at 356, but it could have been more, because I didn't weigh myself until 10 days after I started on my journey.
WOW.
I know all kinds of women who have more kids than me and they are as thin as a stick.
How!!!!!!!!
Why aren't I!!!!!!!!
Sigh.
So here I am, at the whopping age of 50, trying to get a handle on myself. Because I sure don't want to struggle with eating more than 1 cookie until the day I die. I want to lose my weight and be DONE. I want to eat normally, healthfully, and not be eyeing second helpings of dessert while everyone else is totally done eating and just enjoying talking. I don't want to fight the lure of fast food every time I drive by it. I just want to see food for what it is: it fuels my body, and helps me live.

Such ramblings. These are my thoughts today. Not sure if they are even coherent.

Food for the day:
Cereal 120
milk 60
juice 40
Big turkey dinner at church where I had one small helping of
turkey
mashed potatoes and gravy
green bean casserole
2 rolls. they were that good.
1 small piece of the cake I made.
I really don't know the calories and I don't want to overeat at dinner.
Dinner was 1/2 can of tuna with 1 T miracle whip 90
1 piece of bread 70
1 serving of chips 160
1 cookie 200
So I'm just putting it at 1500 calories and calling it a day.
And I am so wiped out I didn't take a walk but ah well, my hip was hurting so bad yesterday maybe it's good to take a break.

Making wise choices even at a church potluck,
Laura

Weigh Day and BP checkup results are in!

2011-11-05T20:52:00.000-05:00

We all talk to ourselves. And funnily enough, we say stuff we would NEVER say to another person. I talked incredibly hateful to myself. This is a sample of what I used to say:

I am a pig. A big, fat pig. I will never lose weight, ever. I am doomed to get fatter and fatter as time goes on. I hate my blobby glutinous self. I hate looking at myself in the mirror, what's the point? I can't change anything about my looks. I am helpless when food calls my name. I don't even want to know how much I weigh. Why even look at calorie information? Why even bother to say no to any foods ever? It won't make a difference. I'm going to be fat until the day I die, and they won't even be able to find a coffin big enough for me. My kids are embarrassed to introduce me as their Mother. My husband is embarrassed to introduce me as his wife. I can see the disgust in people's eyes when I meet them the first time. I hate everybody and I hate everything and I hate myself most of all.

But this is what I say to myself now:

I am focused. I am determined. I am going to do this. I am finally going to achieve my dreams. What do I want, more food? or to be thin? I have had more food my entire life and it has only brought me misery and despair. Today I will say no to food that is not within my calorie budget and it will bring me joy. Today I will walk, even though it is hard, and long, and my muscles are sore. Today I feel exultation in my decision to lose weight.

What we say to ourselves is either going to make things worse or build us up. I would never tell a friend she is a failure, just give up and go grab that bag of chips in the kitchen, she's never going to lose that weight anyways. Would you? Yet I have told myself that oodles of times. Changing my attitude is key to my weight loss. So is planning ahead for the food I will eat. Like tonight. We're having hamburgers fries and mac & cheese. I know what I will be eating. I will have a hamburger (that I pre-weighed on my food scale so I can have a quarter pounder!) with a slice of cheese melted on it, no bun, 3 oz of fries (1 serving) and no mac & cheese unless it turns out incredibly yummy looking which it usually never does. If it DOES, then I will only have 1/2 cup it's so high in calories.
See how easy that was? Stuff like this makes me hug myself. I feel so in control of what I eat and I never used to, ever. I would fight temptation and fight it and fight it and finally just give in with an oh well who cares. Now when temptation comes I don't even listen. I refuse.

I walked the horseshoe. For some reason my right knee and hip hurt and today was especially difficult. I stopped several times. I hate getting old.

Food I ate:
1 serving cocoa puffs 120
splash of milk
4 oz milk 60 (I love milk and take my pills with it every morning)
1 Red Baron pepperoni french toast pizza 380
1 serving ruffles queso chips 160
1 homemade M&M cookie I just love these things so much. They are my favorite cookie in the whole world. I ate it slowly and savored every. single. bite. I think I am guessing 200 calories per? (Which is why I have only one. I used to eat 5 with a huge glass of milk. And then 5 more later in the evening with another glass of milk. Wow. Dang that is a lot of calories!)
1 hamburger and fries and 1 slice of cheese.
A taste of cake batter and icing that I made for the potluck tomorrow

This time around, I am using an app called 'Loseit'. You can get it for your phone or if you use google chrome on your computer. Great place to log in your food and exercise for the day, also they have a very active forum. If you join, friend me. I am 'lajoward' and would love to have friends in that community.

And now what everyone has been waiting for: My weigh day results!!!
I slept in til after 11 (!) then got up, dressed, and moseyed over to the clinic 1 block away. I love small towns. I just walked in to the back, and hopped on the scale. 302?! Wow I lost 5 pounds in 1 week! Way to go Laura! They had time to check my bp, clinic was slow for once, and it was 120/60! Woooot! So positive results for me. 9 pounds in 2 weeks? I'll take that. And of course I am horribly impatient. I want to see changes NOW. And I kind of do--my face looks thinner. I'll take that. I don't care if anybody else sees it, I do. The way I can tell is my mouth looks bigger, if that's even possible. Now if my gargantuan breasts and stomach will also look smaller--man what a day when those things go down eh?

Don't forget to turn your clocks back. I am going to enjoy my extra hour of sleep!

Making wise choices as fun as fun can be,
Laura

Sometimes I Think We Know Too Much

2011-11-04T22:36:00.001-05:00

There is just so much information about nutrition and weight loss out there. You can find it through google, books, television, friends, family. In all my life, I have only known ONE person who has never dieted, was stick thin, and couldn't gain weight if she tried. She is actually what I would call gaunt, with kind of a yellowish complexion. Everybody else, from my Grandmother who was always trying to lose 10 pounds, my Mother, always trying to lose 25 pounds (or 15 or 10 or whatever would get her to 125), ladies at church, friends in my neighborhood, cousins oh I could go on.
I can figure out the calories of pretty much anything I eat. I can also figure out how many calories I burned through any type of exercise, even sleeping!
And science helps so much, don't they? They tell us what is bad and what is good. Remember when eggs were bad? Now they're good. Remember when bread/carbs was bad? Some people think they're good now and others don't. Did you know seaweed is in now? Yes, it's the new hit diet food.
I can't believe how swayed I have been my entire life on what the 'experts' have to tell me about the food I eat. I have always been glad I liked dairy stuff, because of the nutrition in eggs and milk and cheese. You know, the people a few generations ago would have egg and milk mixed together to help them get over sicknesses and regain their strength. But now they are on the no no list too--milk is only good if its skim (white water I call it), fat free cheeses are acceptable, egg beaters all the way!!!! Okay I never use any of those at all.
I think we know too much about weight loss that it boggles the mind. It makes us question everything. I have friends who are doing the Atkins diet. I have friends who are eating 1200 calories but it's all this weird stuff like kashi cereal (please don't say how wonderful it is, if you do like then I am glad, I think it's ridiculously expensive and kind of icky) and 'healthy' foods that you normally don't eat. How long do you think this will last? (Not long) And others who won't eat sugars or white flour or processed meats or dairy of any kind and it's funny, they seem to feel superior to the rest of us mortals who haven't discovered the 'answer', the 'secret' to weight loss. Am I losing weight the right way? That person over there drinks shakes and eats protein bars. That lady takes pills that make her poo in her pants but oh, it's worth it. (? Um, no.) Another takes a prescription pill from her doctor that is pretty much legalized speed, it reduces her appetite and gives her energy. The weirdest diets seem to get the most attention.
Doctors have, as long as I can remember, said to lose weight you have to eat less and exercise more. They never ever said to eat only certain foods and don't eat others and do this specific form of exercise. And I like the generic way they tell us.
It gives me the freedom to ignore the latest fads, ignore people who email me and worry because I'm not eating enough 'nutritious' foods. All foods have nutrition.
You could walk down a city street and I defy you to tell me who doesn't eat white flour, or never eats fat, or refined sugar. Healthwise I think it's all the same. Which is why I gleefully embrace the ability to eat exactly what I want.

My food for the day:
Normal breakfast 200 cal
french bread pizza 380
chips 160
1/2 c homemade chili 149 I really hope that's right
1 slice american cheese 60
14 g fritos 80
1 homemade M&M cookie--I am thinking 200? It feels like 200
3 small bites of a pineapple ice cream dessert and I have no idea what that was so I am just assigning it 200 cal and calling it a day.
Total: 1490

I walked the horseshoe.

I weigh tomorrow and get my bp checked.

Making wise choices joyfully,
Laura

I Love Fall Because I Hate Sweating

2011-11-03T22:23:00.001-05:00

My favorite time of the year! Not just because my birthday is in October, but because the humidity and extreme heat have headed south for a few months. Ugh I hate sweating. I hate feeling all sticky and gross. I do NOT enjoy the summer. I remember loving summer when I was a kid. No school, swimming, playing outside, long days filled with nothing. Well now that I'm all grown up, summer is just like any other time except the kids are all home and it's beastly hot outside. I have to pay to go swimming, so how many times do you think I took my 8 kids swimming? Like never. I was secretly glad we couldn't afford it, because me + swimsuit = delightful video on youtube or america's funniest videos. We would go swimming at my brother's once a year, my kids always looked so forward to that, and I did too, once I was in the water. There my weight only meant I could float on top of the water effortlessly! I was just as good a swimmer as when I was a kid, and I could cavort like everyone else. Until I had to come OUT of the water. Man, the feel of all that weight after none was just incredible. Hits you so hard.
I have always loved being able to cover up my body with more clothes! Summer means clothes come OFF and all the cute little girls and women with their cute little bodies and their thin legs and no cellulite or stretch marks anywhere can run around and be so attractive and here I am, in my black pants and t shirt, too embarrassed to wear shorts in public, hating and envying them at the same time.
I get so mad at myself sometimes for letting my youth fly by and not getting to enjoy it. I am 50 years old now. FIFTY. That is so OLD to me. I never got to wear pretty clothes or swing on a swingset or play with my kids at a park or hold them on my lap instead of up on my stomach. I look back on all those years when my 8 kids were growing and yes, I was very very busy. I didn't even go to the bathroom by myself. You either
a. go the bathroom with the door open because if you don't the little kids stand outside the door and cry and bang on it and put their little fingers under it and who can concentrate and the older kids say ewwwwww mom shut the door that's gross but they were the ones who always wanted it open in the first place!
or b. Take all the little ones into the bathroom with you so they won't get into stuff or make messes or squabble and maybe even nurse the baby because they just cannot wait 2 minutes and the toddlers hear your poo hit the water and want to look and you have to talk to them the whole time about going to the bathroom and wiping and how important it is to be big and not poo in your pants.
How do women have time to even think about themselves? I had 8 children. I had a baby every other year since 1989. We homeschooled for 10 years. And I was busy. And I look back at those times and I hate myself for letting all the fat pile on but I just can't change the past.
I can only start now and work on today.
Today I will eat 1500 calories.
Today I will rejoice because the children are all in school and I am home alone and it is quiet and peaceful.
Today I will take a walk.
I am not putting off my weight loss until tomorrow anymore. Because how many tomorrows do we have? I have wasted too many of them. I want to live my life without this burden that I carry, the fat, the anger, the self-loathing, the disappointment, the discouragement. I want to LIVE.
**********A List of Random Wants and Wishes****
I want to run if the urge hits me and have it not be a big deal at all.
I want to be actually cold and not hot and sweaty all the time, needing a coat instead of a thick sweater.
I want to revel in the warmth of summer, not hiding in my air conditioned house, but out and about in cute shorts and tops and not look hideous but trim.
I want to go up the stairs 2 at a time without even thinking of it, like I used to, because I am in a hurry and it takes too long to go one at a time.
I want people to see me for who I am, not see the fat which is what people only look at and I am not criticizing because shamefully I do it too.
I want pretty clothes. Pretty.
I want to go canoeing again and not worry about my end of the canoe sinking WAY down into the water and my husband's side flying way UP in the water, or not fitting in the canoe, or any of the scary things I can imagine about being in a canoe while fat.
I want to be able to sit in any chair without looking carefully at it first.
I don't mind being big chested I just wish they weren't so HUGE.
I honestly don't care what other men think, I do want my husband to think I'm attractive, I just don't want people to think I am UNattractive.
I want my outside to finally fit the image I have of myself in my mind. They never do match. I see myself so vibrant and lovely and trim and I can deceive myself when I look in a mirror but videos and pictures bring out the horrible truth. I am floored, ridiculously so, to see myself the way others do, the way I REALLY AM.
I want wise food choices to be natural, not forced. I want my eating less to be the way of my life, and overeating is just something I wouldn't do. I guess I mean having it be second nature.
And I wish I could lose like 10 pounds a week but it will probably be around 2 or 3 pounds.
And I wish I could be thin tomorrow but it will probably take a year. And I wish that I could see a difference RIGHT NOW in my clothes or my reflection but it will probably take a few months.
I wish I was more patient.
***********End****************
And because I want these things more than I want to be fat, I will eat less today and take a walk.

Such a cold and blustery day. I want to make Cindy's Soup for dinner. It's a cheesy potato soup. And now I'm in agony because I'm going to have to figure out how many calories this is which means much laborious figuring.

Walked the horseshoe and my husband went with me! He said at first he thought it would be cake but by the time we finished he was huffing a bit. Now he understands why I need a few minutes to recover when I'm done!

Food Diary for today:
Normal breakfast 200 cal
burrito 400
chips 160
small peanut butter and chocolate brownie heated up in the microwave yummmmm. I'm assuming it's horribly high like maybe 350, 400? I really am unsure on this one.
1/2 c Cindy's soup I estimate this between 200 and 250 cal
1 roll 90 cal

So I am pretty sure I came under my calories but dang I don't know for sure. I hate eating stuff that I don't know what the calories are.

Went out tonight to WM with some of the kids. They asked if we were going to McDonald's afterwards. Because sadly, that had become a regular part of my trips to WM up north. (there is no fast food in my little town) We did not. I told them we weren't and why and they were cool with it and didn't say another word. Sweethearts.

Making wise choices the cool hip thing to be doing,
Laura

I Have Been Fat How Long? Good Gravy!

2011-11-03T00:32:00.001-05:00

I remember being a skinny kid. I was picky. I played outside sometimes, but mostly I read and played the piano. I hit puberty late, around 14. And that's when it happened. Yes, I noticed that I wasn't the stick figure I'd always been, I was starting to get curvy. I was told that I had 'thunder thighs'. I couldn't have weighed more than 110, I was 5'9". Well. There you go. Somehow, overnight, I had become this hideous monster with a label for my body parts. Back in the 70s, fitness was just coming into vogue. Mostly everyone wore track suits so they would LOOK like they jogged and worked out. But not that many people did. My Mother, as long as I can remember, never hit over 150 pounds, but was always struggling to lose weight. She tried every single way to get down to 125. She tried all the newfangled ways to lose, with the longest being the fat free diet. She didn't eat any fat. Ever. She never lost that weight. Before she died, she told me it was the biggest waste of time, why did she even struggle and have it take over so much of her life? Why indeed? She was lied to. Like everyone else, she was lied to by the weight loss 'professionals' who said that that was THE WAY to lose weight. And how horrid the recipes I find of hers, using all that fat free stuff. The ingredients for cookies, cakes, pies, soups, casseroles, incredible how much you have to put in to take the flavor of fat! See, you can eat this bad food if you just take the fat out it!
What bosh!
I struggled so hard to 'lose weight', starting at the age of 14. I, too, did all the weird diets, the grapefruit diet, the hotdog diet, the only eat this bread you make from all these certain grains diet, the soup diet, Metabolife, Weigh Down, Weight Watchers, the one where you eat tons of protein, I think it's the atkins? I don't remember, the south beach diet, the one where you drink 2 shakes a day and have a meal at night. Good heavens look at that list!
I wasn't super concerned when I was a teenager, I was shy and not popular, I remember wearing sizes 10-12. Where did I get this notion that I was fat? I wasn't heavy in the slightest. I look back on my old pictures and I am stunned.
Boy when I got engaged at 19 I really was concerned. My husband to be thought I was fat too. Man, my Mother and I took up aerobics and worked so hard! I didn't lose any weight. I weighed 140 on my wedding day. And my husband thought I was fat. Well. There you go. Even from the beginning of my marriage I wasn't good enough was I?
I was fine through the first couple of kids, but I got close to 200 which freaked me out so much, but man I was so busy chasing a 1 and 2 year old, I had no time to worry about me. So I did start weight watchers then. And it was there I learned all the weighing in 'tricks': wearing the lightest clothes possible, no shoes, going to the bathroom as much as possible before weighing, having a few 'good' excuses such as I'm bloated from my period or I don't know how I could have gained/stayed the same I was so good!
Well it didn't work.
I got pregnant with #3 and hit 200 and have never looked back. I have not been under 200 since 1989.
Well fast forward 10 years, and I was 300. Where I pretty much stayed until my Mother died, then I shot up to 356, my highest KNOWN weight. Until 2 years ago, when I started my weight loss journey. I did get down to 264, but life happened and weight loss got pushed to the side, only pulled out when convenient. So my body of course obligingly stored all my food as fat and I hit 300 again. Sigh.
But I'm back in the saddle again.
This time, though, I won't let myself get blindsided by marriage problems, kid problems, money problems, LIFE. I have thought I was fat and BEEN fat for 36 years. It is time for a change.
I thankfully have all the tools I could possibly need at my disposal for success.
No weird diet.
No hokey pills.
No forbidden foods.
No painful exercise that hurts my knees and ankles and threatens to rip off my breasts from all the bouncing and jumping.
No hunger.
No deprivation.
Wow doesn't that look good? Too bad I can't package and sell my weight loss 'system', I bet I could make a ton of money. Well, until someone actually read that all I do is eat 1500 calories of whatever I want and take a walk. That is so not marketable!
How glad I am that this simple, easy method is really the right one! You don't have to buy special foods, cook special meals just for you, or even have someone ELSE make the food for you and mail it to your house. No special exercise equipment or clothes. No fancy shakes. No silly 'cookies' or 'brownies' or 'snacks' that are disgusting and gross, and really aren't even that low in calories.
How free I feel. How happy I am to know that at lunchtime I can waltz into my kitchen and have anything in there I want. I can have a chili dog. I can have a burrito. I can have pizza. I can have chips! I can even splurge on a can of root beer.
I am free.

Walked the horseshoe.

Food for the Day:
Normal breakfast of capn crunch, milk, juice 200 cal
hotdog 130 cal
bread 70 cal
chips 160 cal
root beer!!! 160 cal
2 pieces of bacon 80 cal
1 french toast with syrup I think 200 calories?
milk 122 cal
I saved calories for a brownie after I got back from church but ended up going to Sonic with a friend and had mozarella sticks! Mmmmmmm they were good. Was fun to do that then wander around Walmart at 10:00 with her.
So Moz sticks 440 cal
Grand total of 1621 calories, which is 121 over my limit, but I'm not stressing. I never ever leave my small town and go to sonic, so it was a fun treat.

Super cold and super rainy I just love it! Have my electric blanket on, warming my bed for me to snuggle under the covers. I love fall so much!
Now I have my sweet kitten Pollyanna sleeping on me so I can't move. Ah well. Too bad, off to bed!

Making wise choices even if it kills me,
Laura

November already? No way! Christmas is next month? No way!

2011-11-02T01:26:00.000-05:00

Beautiful fall day here at the Manor. Had one home still sick with a stomach bug.
Walked the horseshoe again. Hard but not AS hard.

Food for the day:
Normal breakfast 200 cal
homemade burrito 400
1 serving ruffles queso chips 160
3 tootsie roll midgees 33 cal
1/3 burrito made into a quesadilla 133
1 serving ruffles queso chips 160 yeah I really like these
18 M&Ms 61 cal
Total 1147 calories for the day.

Was thinking today that the old goals I made wayyy back when I began my journey have been reached, and I need to make some new ones. I have met many that I thought I wouldn't until I hit goal like: sitting in booths and those flimsy white plastic chairs without one breaking on me, sitting in a lawn chair, going to an amusement park, wearing pants with a zipper, seat belts resting comfortably on me instead of strangling me, seat belts that FIT me, especially in the back seat of a car.

******New Things I Want To Do***********
Run. I still don't run on a regular basis and I want to.
Wear high heels without feeling like I'm going to pitch forward onto my face at any moment.
Not have to wear a girdle.
Wear REAL jeans, you know, the not stretchy kind, the ones regular normal people wear.
Look at myself from the side and my breasts stick out farther than my stomach.
Not have to take blood pressure medicine.
****************
I found an old journal, and it was sad sad. Pretty much every entry was 'I hate myself I hate my husband I hate my life everything stinks'.
It brought back memories of how horrible things were for me. Why did losing weight change all that? Despair and discouragement were the main theme of my days. I feel sorry for the me who wrote those, I wish I could go back and tell her things will be looking up soon. Life is just going to stink sometimes. I cannot control everyone around me, I cannot make my husband happy no matter how hard I try, it's almost as if he refuses to be happy ON PURPOSE, and I get tired of that. For the most part I am a happy and cheerful person, but sometimes stuff gets me down. My marriage still is hard, money is super tight, kids make stupid choices, the kitten won't use the litterbox. My overeating will not help me cope with this stuff. It will, in fact, just make things worse.
And I am encouraged just by KNOWING that. I used to find myself helplessly answering every call to eat, knowing it was too much, it would cause much self-loathing, but I didn't think I could stick to a 'diet', I never had before, why waste my time? I genuinely thought that I would have to 'diet', eat all sorts of horrid raw vegetables and hummus (what even is that) and fish and beets and yogurt and NO chocolate NO sugar NO white flour. I thought I would have to be super disciplined like all the thin women, self-righteously passing up the desserts at buffets and church dinners, cooking healthfully for my husband's heart health, blah blah.
And I just didn't have it in me. I still don't. I wonder if I ever will?
I just hate how many people put foods into good and bad categories. I like that I can eat whatever I want. I like that I set my own goals for my life, and not just mindlessly following someone else's do's and don't's.
I am proud of myself for walking the horseshoe today. It was such a beautiful day, probably one of the last we'll have for a while.
I am proud of myself for not only staying within my calorie budget, but coming in below it. I am proud for saving a bunch of calories for night time, and being able to eat a few chips and dip without any guilt whatsoever. I am proud for not secretly getting into the kid's halloween candy and eating it. I am proud for not having root beer with my lunch today because I didn't want the extra calories. I am proud that I am back, back to making weight loss front and center in my life, back to looking ahead to thinner days, back to confidence and peace with myself. The deep hatred for myself is gone. Because I CAN lose weight, I CAN say no to food, I CAN achieve my goals.
I guess I also have achieved another goal of sorts. I always had been the pianist at church, for years, but wanted to sing but it just didn't happen. Now I am on the singing schedule at church, and my Pastor asked me to do a solo at a conference this weekend at my church. Me! I still am surprised, our church has a zillion people who sing. But he asked me! What a privilege! I was even asked to sing at a 2 day conference thing last month too! Me!
Losing weight has changed, IS changing me. I am becoming different. And I really didn't know that would happen. I thought I would be the same, just thinner.
So a lesson was reinforced in my mind today: Eating over my calorie limit will just make things worse. It will not make me feel better. I will still have the problems, along with the anger and disappointment towards myself.
It's super late! I gotta get to bed.
Making wise choices the be all and end all in my life,
Laura

Halloween has Come and Gone

2011-10-31T21:27:00.000-05:00

What a long day!
First let me get my food journal out of the way.

Regular breakfast 200 calories
McD's for lunch! McDouble and small fry and water--390 + 226 + 0 = 616 cal
2 homemade tacos -- 300 cal
6 jolly rancher sour chewy things --80 cal
1 Reese's Cup--100 cal
Grand total of 1296 calories for the day--and I even got to eat out!

So woke up this morning, 2 kids were 'sick'. So that kind of messed up my plans for the day. Cleaned a bit, showered, then one kid decided she was 'better' and wanted to go to school. At 11:30. I said 'Farout!' and took her to school!
That leaves one at home, but 16 year olds can fend for themselves.
My daughter Rachel and I then ran around and did all kinds of errands, and went to Walmart and went out to lunch! I was prepared. I hopped on the McD website and checked out the calories for what I wanted to eat. I knew I was making tacos tonight, and how many calories those were, and I also knew I wanted something chocolate. So 616 calories for lunch isn't what I normally eat but it was fun to go out for a change.
Then we headed home and made tacos and got the kids all made up for halloween. This year we had: a corpse bride who halfway through trick or treating morphed into a goth fairy. I don't fight these things. Then we had an alien, who ended up giving his costume to a friend and not trick or treating himself so he didn't get any candy and keeps snitching the other kid's candy. Ah well, too bad for him. Then we had the 'Ultimate Chief's Fan', and he looked really fun with his face painted red and white and all chiefs clothes on. We also had a pretty fairy, with a laurel wreath in her hair decorated with flowers, and wings, she was so pretty. Last we had an old woman, which was so fun, we had a mask for that one and it was so creepy good! I was nothing this year. For some reason didn't feel like dressing up, which is unusual but there's always next year right? I just felt fat this year. I normally try to be so very positive about myself but I just wasn't feeling it.
I really really like setting my own goals and being flexible about what I eat. I am happy that I could eat lunch out with my daughter and just have a fun time talking and laughing and not worrying about whether or not I was 'ruining' my day by eating too much. Planning ahead, yep, that gave me confidence. I knew what I was eating was well within my calorie budget, and I could relax and enjoy myself.
I think it's key for everyone to lose weight by eating less and moving more. But I think we need to find our own way of doing that. I am sure that many many people look at my food diary and are aghast. 'Where's the fruits and vegetables? Where's the flax seed and fiber and lean meats and no white flour and and and--' Well, they're not there are they? And I really don't care. I am losing weight within the structure of 1500 calories a day and a daily walk. I have never been successful losing weight other people's way. I don't like that stuff. I wish I did, I really do. But I don't. And if I have to force myself to eat stuff I don't like, it won't last. It would feel like a 'diet'. And I don't 'diet' anymore.
Maybe someday. Someday I'll feel adventurous and I'll try stuff I've hated since I was a kid. But when I'm ready. Not because somebody else who is an 'authority' or is famous tells me to. I am so over feeling guilty because I eat what I like--jut not as much!
Oh Sean Sean what have you done to me! Because it's all your fault you know. All the success I've had losing weight by eating foods I normally eat is due to your influence. You're the first person I ever read who ate this way--and you lost weight! I still remember finding your blog and realizing that this was it, this was the way I was going to lose weight. Eating 1500 calories a day and walking. I know that you don't just walk anymore, and someday I hope to do more too.
It all boils down to the choices I make every day. I can grab a handful of chips out of the bag and scarf them down. Or I don't. It's truly that simple. I can buy a candy bar at the checkout at the store. Or I don't. MY decision, if I eat it it goes in the log for the day. So there is no cheating is there? How can it be cheating when I set my own goals? Who cares what anybody else thinks about how much or what I eat? It's ME I have to face at the end of the day. And boy, I have faced me too much and hated me for so long.
I think I'm rambling now. I reread all that and I'm not sure it made sense but I'm leaving it in.
Words cannot express how it feels to have my weight loss be front and center in my life again. Yes, and all that entails, including talking about my calories all the time and making darn sure I get a walk in every day. Hey, I wish I was one of those wonderful weight loss blogger people who never let us down and consistently lose weight and blog faithfully and never let life get in the way of all that. But I'm not. I was sick for 6 months. I got discouraged. I started gaining my weight back. I was very very close to becoming blind in one eye, with the other following closely behind. It was super duper hot this summer and I hate being hot and sweaty and I did NOT want to walk in that. I got bored with blogging and took a break. I should have announced that I was doing that, some people actually thought I died. Well this time around, I know what I'm doing, and blogging is for the accountability, so I don't care how incredibly boring my day is I'm going to write about it. And include my food diary. It really doesn't bother me if anyone reads this or not.
I love going to bed with calories to spare.
Ran across this website you have to visit:
http://thisiswhyyourefat.tumblr.com/
Oh the food on this! How do people come up with this stuff?
Enjoy it all.
Making wise choices because I hate being fat,
Laura

Busy Sunday, No Nap for Me!

2011-10-30T22:51:00.000-05:00

Church this AM, then putzed around on the computer. Took the LONG walk today around the horseshoe. Man that was hard! But I finished. I died a bit when I got home, sat on the front porch for about 10 minutes relaxing. Laid down for about 20 minutes, then got everybody up and out the door for evening church.
Then went to friend's for supper.
Now MG quite possibly has a stomach virus, she is white as a sheet. Don't give it to me!
Food for the day:
Standard 200 calorie breakfast
Homemade burrito 400 cal
Queso chips 160 cal
After church supper of 1 chili dog, 3 crackers, 1/3 banana with a bit of chocolate dip, 4 small pieces of cheese, 2 sips of punch, 1/2 small piece of banana cake--I estimate all this at 800 calories. I have absolutely no idea what everything really is, I just tried so hard to have small portions of a small amount of food.
But this is what real life is all about. I am not always going to have calorie information available to me. I can either
a. not eat at all which I would have died, I hadn't eaten since noon
b. do what I did, have 1 serving, stay away from pop.
I think I did okay. I really don't care what anybody else thinks. I set my own limits and goals. 1500 calories is what I shoot for, and if I actually DID go over, well, I did my best to stay under.
For the most part, I know exactly how many calories are in the foods I eat.
So pretty tired now, ready for bed. Can't believe Halloween is tomorrow. I only have 1 costume ready, MG is going to be the corpse bride, man I hope she isn't sick tomorrow! I totally didn't even think about a costume for Siah, or any of the other kids really. This whole retina surgery thing has taken up so much of my thoughts, why didn't I remember that more than 1 kid is going to want to trick or treat?
I also have to bag up the candy, which I forgot to buy little ziploc bags.
I walked by myself today. My normal walking partner was taking a nap. Lucky dog. Was a little hard, stopped 3 times for a breather! Funny how quickly your stamina goes away. Kind of had a few feelings of rebelliousness about walking. It's just so HARD right now. And I went through this at the very beginning of my journey, and I hate having to go through it again! That's why I never picked up smoking after I quit 20 years ago, I don't want to have to quit again it was so difficult. I guess maybe this is a good lesson for me. Don't stop walking/working out or I'll struggle again.
I have to have some kind of indoor exercise for when walking weather goes away. Because it will go away. I can't do anything jumpy/bouncy. I actually like the dance game we have for the wii. It's so fun and man does it knock me for a loop! That's what I want, something fun. Maybe I'll just do that? We also have wii fitness but I swear, when it comes to our tv and the wii I am a complete nincompoop about getting it to come on. You have to go to these special settings on the tv to turn it from tv to the wii, and I always have to have the kids do it for me. And yet I know so much about computers! Go figure!
Oh! I was horrified to discover that the walk around the horseshoe which I always thought was 1.7 miles is actually 1.15 miles! Now how did that happen? I did something wrong when I mapped my route and actually, it is really upsetting to find that it took me so long to walk ONE MILE. It was different thinking I was walking almost 2 miles. So I'm a little disconcerted.
Was a good day.
Making wise choices the theme of my life,
Laura

Day Two of Being 'Back' Memories and What I Ate Today and I Lost 4 Pounds!

2011-10-29T19:27:00.001-05:00

My very very first post:

Wednesday, May 27, 2009
Exciting, yes? Everyone says this is what you are supposed to do, journal while you lose weight, so I am succumbing to peer pressure and adding my own ramblings to the plethora of weightloss blogs out in the cosmos.
Tonight I walked with my buddy down the street. Had to pause 3 times to catch our breath! So glad she is willing to go with me, I'd hate to have to go alone.
I really have no way to judge how many calories I am eating right now. I guess I'll have to figure that out soon, right? So far I am attempting to eat when I am truly hungry and limit my portions. Sometimes it works. Sometimes it doesn't. There are just days when nothing satisfies, you know?
I know this: I never ever want to go back to the depression and discouragement that was my life before now. I had just basically given up. I know I needed to lose weight; I'm 47, and it is only going to get worse, but the sense of failure was so strong. I have tried off and on through the years but when I would mess up ONE TIME well, that was it, I was a failure, I knew I could never lose weight, and it was all over.
So my first two big goals are thus: to walk everyday, and to not give up. NEVER GIVE UP NEVER SURRENDER!
No matter what.
Oh, and officially this is day 10.

Kind of weird reading that. It was 2 years ago that things changed for me, never to go back to 'normal'. I have never given up. Never stopped trying. How glad I am to be 'back', putting weight loss front and center in my life. It kind of got shoved out of the way to make room for other things.

I am definitely not the same person I was then. Boy I know what I'm doing now. I count those calories, actually WRITE THEM DOWN. That does make a difference.

Someone else's first post. Yeah, it's one of those pensive days. Looking back and remembering how incredible it was that I found that blog early in my journey. I googled 'top weight loss blogs' and many of the ones I found were dead. Out of curiosity I checked the men's blogs in the list and there it was. Sean's blog. That was where I got my 1500 calories a day and walking from. When I found him, he had lost 170 pounds. I went back and over the course of 3 days I read every. single. post. starting from Day 1. Crying. Blubbering at the computer because I could relate to everything. I didn't start at 505, I started at 356, but it was still so familiar to me, everything.

Of course he has done wonderfully, hit goal of 235, wrote a book. I got lost dealing with sickness, life, and loss of vision. But my main goal has been to never give up. Never surrender. And I haven't. So thanks, Sean, for putting yourself out there for people like me. So many bloggers disappoint because they fail, they justify, they don't fulfill OUR dreams of losing weight, letting us down. You show us that you CAN have a bump in the road and you CAN figure out why and you CAN learn something from it and then you CAN go on. Okay I'm done with the gushing.

I made two things today that I had to use math skills to figure out how much a serving was. Chipped beef on toast, and rice krispy scotcheroos. Okay, after laborious thinking and using the calculator on my computer here is the results:

Chipped beef on toast--1/2 c on white bread 250 calories.
Scotcherooes: 1 serving 425 calories. FOUR HUNDRED TWENTY FIVE CALORIES for 1/24 of a 13x9 pan. Yeah, I'm freaking out too.

Okay here's my food eaten for the day:

1 serving cereal 120 cal
1/2 c milk 50 cal
1/2 c juice 50 cal
2 tostados 300 cal
1 sq ghiradelli 73 cal
2 servings chipped beef on toast 500 cal
1/2 serving scotcheroo 215

Incredible that it was dinner and the rice krispy thing that pushed me close to my 1500 limit. Looks like I'm skipping the popcorn tonight. I don't care.

Hubby is taking the kids to a rinky dink haunted house in a little town south of us. The kids are SO EXCITED. I am staying home. There's a slide at the end! I am not feeling the slide. Sure, I can go down. But will I go all the way down, or will I get stuck? And how am I getting up at the end? No way anyone's going to be able to haul me to my feet. How embarrassing to have to turn to all 4's to get up like I normally do, but doing it in front of other folks? No way.

So I'll be staying home, finishing up some laundry, doing the dishes, and messing around on the computer.

OH the big news I can't believe I didn't put it first! Ran into the clinic and had them check my blood pressure---130/80! AND I lost 4 pounds! Incredible! Unbelievable! Why am I always surprised that what I am doing is working? I guess because I'm not eating 'healthy' foods like everyone else does. I'm kind of jealous that they like that stuff. I don't. Every time I have tried to lose weight eating 'good for you' stuff I lasted about 1/2 an hour. I am having a surprising amount of success just eating what I always do, just less. And just walking! Man I wish I had a gym nearby. Well I don't have the money to join one so I guess it doesn't really matter. But just walking? How can that work? I don't know it just does. Weird.

Making wise choices a way of life,
Laura

Blog now Malware Free!

2011-10-28T19:38:00.001-05:00

Wherein I ramble on about my life, catching everyone up who cares to be caught up.

How simply horrifying to discover that my blog had become infected with malware! But it's all taken care of, so you can freely visit my site now, if you wish. The thought of giving somebody else a virus freaked me out.

It has been a very interesting last couple of months. One morning I woke to find the vision in my left eye to be filled with 'debris'', like strings and dots and I was terrified I had worms in my eye. I almost wish I had. Found out I had a retinal tear in the left and the beginnings of one in the right. How it happened? My extreme nearsightedness and my AGE yes I said it my incredibly old AGE of 50. So I had to have emergency surgery, and I got to wear a patch, I was Pirate Mom. Then a month later I had the same thing done to the other eye. Now I still have 'debris' in my left eye which will supposedly go away in about 6 months to never. Yes, never. The right is great and I tell you what, I really appreciate my vision now. How easily it could have been taken away from me. And then I would have become dependent on everyone for the smallest of tasks.
So very thankful for the doctors who took care of everything so quickly.

I now take TWO blood pressure medicines. Yes, TWO. Around the time I had my eye stuff going on I had a physical and my blood pressure was 128/109. Yeah. But my blood work was beautiful!!! My doctor said she would kill to have numbers like I had. My blood work shows a total cholesterol of 156, with the good chol being 50 and the bad 92, my trig are 69 and blood sugars are normal. How can my blood be so wonderful yet my blood pressure so awful?! And all of my female parts are good. Ladies you know what I mean.

Took a walk today. Why it was a killer I have no idea.

My very boring menu for the day: (all foods measured/weighed)

1 serving Captain Crunch Peanut Butter cereal -- 120 calories
1/2 c milk -- 50 calories
1/2 c orange juice -- 50 calories
two tostados--300 calories
2 fun size milky way candy bars -- 160 calories
1 hotdog -- 130 calories
1 piece bread -- 70 calories
1/2 c chili --50 calories
1 1/2 servings fries --180 calories
1 square Ghiradelli chocolate -- 60 calories

Total calories: 1270 calories
But the day isn't over yet and I want popcorn, so I think I'll hit 1500 nicely.

It's been fun catching up on everyone's progress while I took my sabbatical from blogging. And some, like me, disappeared. But such is life. Things get in the way of writing, we get busy, bad stuff happens in our lives that kind of take over.

Oh. I'm going to be a Grandma. How could I forget that! My son and his wife are due end of next month, it's a girl named Delilah Jean. We're all excited, and I hope she has red hair like her mother.

It's so easy to slide back into old habits. Not walking, not writing down calories, not journaling, eating chips from the bag mindlessly, not measuring foods anymore. But it's either change, or helplessly watch yourself get bigger and bigger. And we are not helpless. Food truly has no control over us, no matter how much we think it does. I have always known that I am my own worst enemy. Why I try to destroy myself I have no idea, but I do. I wake up in the morning and I hate myself, I hate my life, I hate how big I am, I hate food, I hate everything. I have to stop those thoughts dead in their tracks and I pray, thanking God for all He has done for me, and asking Him for help for the day. Those evil thoughts are what has destroyed me oh so many years.

And I am not the only one. Evidently a lot of us folks have to change how we think to be successful in weight loss, well, in anything really. You all know what a fan I am of Sean, who continues to blow me away with the insights he has gained while dropping half his body weight. Even he, after all the weight he has lost, still has moments where bad habits rear their ugly heads.

Hard to accept, but this battle will go on for a long time.

Bring it.

The Mopey Saturday Edition

2011-04-23T14:36:00.000-05:00

Today is cleaning/cooking day in preparation for tomorrow. If you've been wondering why you can hear whines and moans in the air, it's coming from my house. Sorry! Making the kids help clean up around here always produces those sounds, and they travel far. Stopped at the store for last minute stuff, and then the kitchen stuff begins in earnest!
Having ham and all the fixings, and let's not forget I have to fix dinner for tonight too. Tuna casserole is what we'll be having, since my vegetarian daughter is home from college and fish is not meat to her, and is about one of the only things she eats when she is home, that and cheese pizza.
I just......am tired. Had a very long conversation with my Dad, complete with massive guilt trip, and with the residual emotions from yesterday makes for a drained day. I just can't shake the blues. Here it is, one of my favorite times of the year, where I get to cook massive amounts of food which I LOVE to do, and I'm feeling all droopy inside. I've got my ipod turned on to my 'sad' playlist, the one I play when I am feeling most sorry for myself. I do not want to be a victim, I hate being a martyr, I absolutely loathe people who get offended by something you do and then NEVER TELL YOU, but just wait around for an apology and you don't even know something is wrong. Then, when you DO find out, because they let it slip, they don't even give you a CHANCE to apologize. Thus proving to me that they don't WANT you to apologize, they WANT to be mad.
I took 3 computers up to his house for him to work on, and out of that I get one back, and it's a brand new one he bought to replace one! How can I be upset with someone who does something so kind?! Yet all the kindness is laced with these venomous barbs, and just like with my husband, I never see it coming. Ever. Always taken off guard. Which is why I am just......tired. And I think I'm getting a headache. And a toothache. I always seem to get those on Saturday when the dentist is closed.
So blah and ugh. I would love to lie down for a little bit and mope but college daughter is asleep on my bed. Sideways.
I think I have PLOM's disease. Poor Little Ole Me.

It's actually not a Good Friday after all

2011-04-22T19:38:00.000-05:00

Why why do I let stuff bother me?
We get a phone call from some people down the street who had a package of ours delivered to them by mistake, so my husband goes to pick it up. It was addressed to him, let's get that straight.
It was from Russell Stover's. The kids were helping him open it and he said,
'I didn't order this. Your Mom must have done it.'
Wha-?
Yes, I am such a big fat pig that I order candy THROUGH THE MAIL, and have it shipped to my husband to divert attention from the fact that I am such a big fat pig. I said,
'I did not order candy through the mail.'
Ended up being a gift from his sister in Illinois.
I cannot tell you how stupidly upset and hurt I am that my husband's instinctive response, even when the package is addressed to him, is that it was mine.
And of course I have to tell him how upset I am that he thought I ordered candy through the mail and of course now he is mad at me. I forgot to walk over those eggshells. I do that, sometimes. And then pay. At least I can be thankful he isn't physically abusive, just verbally and emotionally.
Zaababy out.

It's a Good Friday

2011-04-22T11:17:00.000-05:00

So Mary was home from school yesterday with a bad earache. The clinic in town was able to smoosh her into their schedule and the doctor said she had an infection in her ear CANAL. NOT behind the eardrum. Which is weird. MG said she felt she had a lot of wax in her ear, and dr said she couldn't see the eardrum at all, that it looked like she had a fungus growing in her ear. Okay that officially creeps me out. Started her on antibiotics and tomorrow we head back to have her ears cleaned out. Just the thought of a fungus growing in your ear is so weird and gross. Poor Mary. And of course she wakes up in the night and comes to sleep with me, wanting drops put in her ear to help with the pain. And then I slept fitfully the rest of the night. 11 year olds are just so BIG and LONG sleeping in between me and hubby!
So everyone is home today and then Monday. Hubby is home too, he finished his after hour project for this week and announces that after Monday he has no more work. I officially hate him being self employed. This has been my life for 25 years. We have no work--we fall desperately behind on bills. He gets work--we actually get caught up and things look bright and then-! No work again! It's this vicious cycle. People who don't actually live this way say that if you keep to a budget the money will always be there but I can never do that because I'm always digging my way out of a hole. If we didn't have food stamps I honestly don't know how we would make it.
So this weekend kind of starts the end of the year hullabaloo around here. First we have Easter. Daughter Bekah comes home from college to visit us and is bringing the first round of her stuff home. She has 2 weeks of school left, and I wonder how her grades are. She has been on academic probation this semester. Which is kind of like double secret probation.
Next weekend is Bethany's prom. So weird to think she is old enough to go to PROM! She has her dress already, a dark green SHORT one because she wants to be different than everyone else. I have a friend who will be fixing her hair and makeup and I am going to post pics because she is so wonderful and sweet.
The next weekend is Bethany and Bekah's training weekend down at Wonderland Camp where they will be working again this summer. Bekah is going to be a cabin leader which she is so thrilled about! They both have lofty plans about actually SAVING their money this summer and doing something wonderful with it like buying a car but I'm not holding my breath. After that weekend Bekah will be home for 2 weeks before camp starts. She normally brings home lots and lots of drama with her. Believe you me, she can cram a lot of that in a short amount of time. I just hope she won't alienate her brothers and sisters this time.
Then we have HS graduation that Bethany will be playing her instrument in (pomp and circumstance you know) and the basic winding down of school. Can you believe this year is almost half over?!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Okay now it's time to talk about food and losing weight, which is the true purpose of this blog. If anyone actually read this far without their eyes glazing over I will be surprised.
Last night I made tacos, a hands down family favorite. I had one taco and half a burrito. I officially record the taco as 150 calories, the 1/2 burrito as 150, but I had several little 'grabs' of grated cheese as I was preparing everything. I have absolutely no idea why I did that! It just tasted so good what can I say. After dinner I had 200 calories of chocolate which tasted so very good. It comforts me to know how many calories I eat, which is why I dislike the out of control grabbing of the cheese. It's not WHAT I eat anymore it's how much and in what manner I ate it. I hate being out of control. I like to plan my food ahead of time, sometimes I plan the whole day out. It's not the food itself that is the problem it's ME ME ME. IT'S ALWAYS ME. I will be zipping along doing FANTABULOUS and then this crazy part of me takes over.
You know, there was a time when last night would have been the end. Of everything. I would have said something like this to myself:
Laura, you are a pig. A disgusting fat pig. Why can't you control yourself! What is wrong with you?
And then I would have gone ahead and eaten like a pig because I'm a total failure, I will never do this, how could I ever think I could do this, I am such a loser.
The funny thing is I would NEVER EVER talk like that to someone else!!! And yet I think it is perfectly okay to talk like that to myself!
Thankfully, I don't do that anymore. Thankfully I just move on. Thankfully I know that I am not perfect, that there are times when I am going to grab little fingers of grated cheese and I am going to estimate the calories as best I can and MOVE ON.
As I lay in bed this morning I was wishing. I wished
1. that I was thin and done with this all
2. that my marriage was different
3. that food didn't have calories
4. that I had a maid
5. that I liked, no LOVED, vegetables
6. that chocolate didn't have a special place in my heart
7. that I wasn't turning 50 this year
8. that I had a life outside of this home
There is a weird saying that is just so hard to get: If wishes were horses we all would ride. So then I got up to face my day, with all the laundry and cleaning and cooking and battling of SELF that I have to deal with. I really have so much to be thankful for.
1. I am relatively healthy, with all my faculties intact
2. My family is healthy
3. I have a home and a warm soft bed
4. I have a dishwasher
5. and all of my appliances work
6. I have a wonderful church 1 minute away
7. I have a BFF who lives 3 doors down
8. my husband works hard, doesn't screw around, or drink, or abuse me or the children, and he brings his paycheck home every week
9. I am thinner than I ever thought possible, wearing pants with a zipper!
10. I have a Savior who thought of me, above all, when he lived and died and rose again. I think Easter is my favorite time of year.
So snagging extra cheese is really a stupid thing to get upset about, isn't it.
Sometimes I reread the post I just wrote and I honestly can't believe anyone wants to read this stuff. My life is just so B-O-R-I-N-G. Well I'm off to crush my children's souls and make them clean their rooms. I hope you all have a Good Friday today!

Another Day in the Life

2011-04-20T15:59:00.000-05:00

So Bethany is home, all traumatized (actually I am more than she is) by failing the metal detector several times at the airport in New York and having to be searched each time, the last in a private room thankfully. Ended up being the underwire in her bra-! But she's home safely, and got me an I heart New York T shirt in my fav color, purple! XL! She also got me a Hello Kitty puzzle ball! Puzzles are meh but I do love Hello Kitty. Such a sweetie! Having her favorites for dinner, chili dogs, fries and katie's dip. We had her favorites the day she left for New York but she had the stomach flu and didn't get to enjoy them. She is so very happy to be home and we are so very happy to have her back!
I had a lovely morning with my BFF. We went to the library, the pecan store, and the Hallmark store. I splurged and bought a very pretty pill box for my purse. Yes I am officially 100 years old. But seriously I needed it for my stupid blood pressure medicine and Wellbutrin and tylenol that is usually either ground to powder in the bottom of my purse or lost in my change purse.
Rachel came up for dinner and brought donuts from the bakery she works at. I had half of one. I also bought some candy at the pecan store for my secret sister for Easter and I did eat 3 small pieces of english toffee. I am so glad I am giving that away! That is so one of my weaknesses. I was worried that my BFF would want to eat lunch out, she just loves Sonic but I always end up hitting the bathroom all day after eating there and I did NOT want to eat there. But we didn't eat out at all YAY and I was able to come home and eat my very own 300 calorie lunch!!!
So all in all this has been a very boring mundane day with nothing praiseworthy about my eating. I had my normal cereal/juice combo for breakfast, same lunch I always have but man I sure love it. I am so excited with the losses I have had and want to keep that scale going down down down!
Also I started taking Royal Jelly to give me energy but for some reason it makes me tired. Go figure.
Making this short and sweet. Bethany is wanting to show us all the pictures she took and they're waiting for me!!!!
Make wise choices friends. I know I am.

Weigh Day Update and reader email question and answer!

2011-04-19T09:50:00.000-05:00

I guess Tuesdays are now my new official weigh day.

I lost 5 more pounds, I weigh 297 pounds, yay back under 300 again and on the downward trail!
Off to WalMart with my menu and shopping lists. I've had breakfast, and will cheerfully fly by all my tempting downfalls--McDonald's, Sonic, etc. I have lunch all planned out when I get home.
So this is short and sweet but you never know, I may come up with a bright and scintillating idea for a fabulous post while I'm out!
Zaababy out!

Quick Reader Email:
Dear Laura,
So glad you are posting again! I have missed your cheery outlook and optimism that comes out in your blog. Just a quick question: why did you stop posting? I saw you had gained weight. Sorry if I am asking too personal a question. Thanks!
From a fan

Dear Fan,
I am glad to be posting again too, thanks for missing me! Back when I started slowing down post wise I honestly felt boring. I didn't feel I had anything new to bring to the table. I had forgotten that this journal was for ME, to keep ME accountable, not to entertain anyone unlucky enough to come across my lame ramblings. Yes, after I became so unstable journal wise it showed forth in my losing focus--walking/running went to the wayside with all the ice and snow, one cookie became two, and then right before Christmas I started my marathon of sickness that I am still struggling with. Lots of colds and flus and pretty much I didn't even care anymore. I was focusing on getting better, I would be fine for a few days then get hit again. About 3 weeks ago at the doctor's office I weighed and discovered not only had I gained, oh no, I weighed 309 pounds! At the time I didn't even care I was so sick. But as I started feeling better I saw those numbers everywhere I looked 309 309 309!!! So back on the wagon I hopped. I had to do some serious decision making. Was I going to do what I knew to do or was I going to gain it all back and live that hellish life again? No more hell for me thank you very much. I've had my fill.
Back to 1500 calories a day. The walking has had to take a back seat until my health was better. I just haven't been that strong. The most important thing is to just never give up. I never really ever did. Other things were more important. Well now NOTHING is more important than hitting goal of 150 pounds. I can do it. I will do it. And blogging is key so there you go. Long winded answer to a very short simple question!

So keep those emails coming folks. Thanks for the kind and supporting words you all send my way.

Yesterday Framed in Today

2011-04-18T15:03:00.000-05:00

****A Look at my day, with a bit of nostalgic retrospective tossed in**************

I get up, mess around on the computer, then have a serving of cereal and 1/2 c of orange juice.

(I get up, mess around on the computer, then have a breakfast of 2 fried eggs, 5 pieces of bacon, 2 pieces of toast, and a 36 oz. glass of orange juice.)

I take a shower, casually washing every part of my body, joyfully washing my hair, planning what I will wear, and looking forward to running errands.

(I take a shower, only because it's been a week since I've bathed and all the creases and folds of my body are quite smelly. It's hard to reach my rear, or even turn around or make the slightest movements in the shower. When did it get so small?! I run over the few items of clothing I can wear, wondering if I can find something clean in a basket or if a favorite shirt doesn't smell/look too bad. Of course, I will wear either my black pants with the elastic waist or my jean capris with the elastic waist. All stretched and thin and ready to bust at the seams, of course. I look forward to hitting taco bell.)

I get dressed, blow dry my hair, put on makeup, put on jewelry, then grab my list and I am out the door!

(I struggle into my clothes, dreading looking in the mirror, most days avoiding that because I'm hideous, I'm a cow, and I hate how I look but there's nothing I can do about it. I put my hair into a pony tail still wet, grab my list, and I am out the door!)

I decide to hit taco bell for lunch. I haven't been there in ages and I am literally starving. I have a chicken baja chalupa, nachos, and water. I eat in the restaurant. I'm full!

(I mull over all the fast food restaurants, then decide on taco bell. I get the chicken chalupa meal, extra large dr. pepper, nachos with an extra tub of cheese sauce, and a caramel apple empanada. I eat in the car. No way am I going to attempt to stuff myself into a booth, because I do not fit. My breasts hang over the table halfway, there's only a small bit of room for my tray. I am stuffed but eagerly looking forward to checking out all the Easter candy at WalMart!)

I head into WalMart, buying my cat supplies, decide not to buy any flowers or candy buckets there because I know I can get that stuff cheaper elsewhere, then head out to Stoplight Market, the local Mennonite flower/baking goods place. I buy several flats of flowers for my hanging baskets, and decide that we're going to put some hydrangea bushes in the front of the house. They're $20 a piece!! So I think I'll buy one a week. Our house is going to look so pretty!

(I head into WalMart, buy all my cat supplies, who cares about flowers, lead me to the Easter Candy!!! I buy several bags, which is par for the course for me. Most will not end up in my kids baskets, but will be hidden in my bedside table, computer desk, under the bed, or in my purse. And woe to anyone who finds them and tries to eat them!!! I also grab a few candy bars at the checkout line, and a bottle of water. I am all red faced and puffy and out of breath. I sit in my car for 10 minutes with the windows down, letting the cool air blow on my face while I eat. I am tired now, so I head home, the Easter candy already opened and being eaten.)

I get home and corral my hubby into carrying the heavy stuff into the house, then I walk to the bank 1/2 block away and make a deposit.

(I get home and corral my hubby into carrying the heavy stuff into the house. While he is doing that I quickly hide all 'my' Easter booty in their clever hiding places. I have to lie down for a bit to recover from all my strenuous activity. I drive to the bank to deposit a check.)

I decide to make chicken strips and fries for the kids tonight since my hubby will be gone, so I've laid out chicken and mull over what recipe I want to use. I make some brownies for the kids. I haven't cooked in so long, I think they're going to be thrilled to come home to fresh brownies after school. I have one taste of batter and one taste of frosting, then leave the pan to cool for the kids. I head into the bedroom to look up recipes and post on my blog.

(I decide on chicken strips and fries for the kids tonight since my hubby will be gone, so I've bought 2 packages of premade chicken strips and they're in the freezer ready to go. My feet hurt and I am so tired. I decide to make some brownies 'for the kids'. I have several tastes of the batter, then lick the bowl clean. I have several taste of the icing, then lick the pan clean. I have a brownie hot and fresh on a plate, all gooey and yummy with a tall glass of cold milk. I have another. Have to keep myself topped off you know.)

I clean up the kitchen, then head outside to plant the flowers I bought. I bought a lovely red geranium, and it will look so pretty on my table! The other flowers go in the hanging baskets that I put on the clothesline my Dad made me with the pretty lattices that we have morning glories growing up on. Spring is here, the windows are open, life is good, and I am happy! Dinner is around 5:30 or 6, and I am going to try to get to bed early, since I've been sick so long, I don't want to push it. I do take a little time to mess around on the computer.

(I make the kids clean up the kitchen, then head to the computer to play online games. I make dinner late, because hubby isn't here, and I'm stuffed anyways with all the chocolate I've been eating. I spend the rest of the evening gaming on the computer, because in the online world I am NOTHING like I am in the real world. I eat steadily all evening.)

I take time to read my Bible and pray before bed, thanking God for all He has done for me, helping me to eat less and be more active, and being glad for the wise choices I made food wise. No exercise today, but as I grow stronger I will be walking and riding my bike daily. I fall asleep, happy, knowing that tomorrow will be another good day, I love myself and my life, and I look forward to weighing. I know the scale will have moved down again.

(I stay up late, eating, because my husband is working after hours tonight and won't be home til about 2 AM. I finally make myself go to bed in a food induced coma, sick to my stomach, hating myself. I hate myself. I hate everybody and I hate everything. I am such a gross disgusting pig. When I was out today, I was the fattest person everywhere I went. People looked at me funny, and I tried to be friendly and nice but they just can't get past the fat. I will never lose weight, ever. I am just going to get fatter and fatter and fatter until I die and there is absolutely nothing I can do about it. I'm going to be just like Gilbert Grape's Mom. I wish I could just die. I fall asleep eventually, waking up several times in the night to glug some Maalox because my indigestion is vicious. I dread tomorrow, knowing it will be the same as today with some variations, except my feet will hurt so bad. I will do nothing all day to 'recover'. The only thing I have to look forward to is more food.)
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I actually cried typing this. How different my life is now than it was before! How sad and miserable I was! How I wish I could comfort my old self, tell her that there is hope, things will be different, life will change!
Who are you today? Are you like the old me, or the new me?
There is hope for you, too.
Make wise choices friend.

'The Better I Get the Grumpier I Am' List of Irritants

2011-04-17T23:37:00.000-05:00

1. Laddie has dingleberries AGAIN and stinks to high heaven. I am going to have to corner him and somehow manage to hold him still while I cut them off of his hind end which does not rank very high on my list of favorite things to do
2. if I was dead not one person in this house would change the cat litter; how do I know this? while I was sick not one person changed the cat litter
3. hubby takes offense at every single thing he can possibly think of and I'm tired of walking on eggshells
4. I snapped at every one of my kids for absolutely no reason whatsoever
5. the dogs are always where I am trying to meld their bodies into mine so we can become one
6. nobody fed the dogs while I was sick or gave them water. I guess they've just been sticking their big faces up on the table and eating all the leftover food that nobody cared enough to put away/clean off
7. nobody took the trash out while I was sick
8. you ought to just see the living room
9. my littlest asked me why I don't go to work so I can give her money
10. I can't think of anything else except I am glad everyone is asleep and hubby is in another room. He is also working after hours tomorrow which means he will be home all day. The chip on his shoulder and my attitude will not mix well let me tell you.
I managed to drag myself into the kitchen and make mommy hut pizza for dinner. I was able to eat a piece, and even had a small bowl of chocolate ice cream afterwards. It's the most I've eaten in days!
This Grumpy Weight Loss Hero is going to bed.

I Think I Just Might Live

2011-04-16T10:48:00.000-05:00

I can now say that yesterday was officially the sickest day of my entire life. I literally thought I was going to die I felt so bad. I was not able to sleep until last night but then I slept hard til about 6, I have no idea how much, then off and on until 10 AM. I had to get up, my back was hurting so bad, and made some oatmeal which I had been dreaming about incredibly. It did taste good but ate only half of what I prepared. Hasn't come back up! So I'm sitting here weakly typing and thanking God that I feel better.
Everyone is out and about doing their own thing today.
David is working.
Eli is who knows where, but he's 21 so there you are.
Bekah is at college doing who knows what.
Bethany is in New York.
Sam is in Saturday School. Yes, this is a new invention our school has come up with to take care of those 'bad' kids with tardies and late papers. Sam has perpetual Saturday School.
Josiah is playing Maple Story in the office, thrilled that he's the only one home and can do as he pleases without taking turns.
MaryGrace is at a camp with her sunday school class doing a spring fling thing or something.
And me? I live. That is all.
Yesterday I ate a few bites of cereal and a couple sips of juice, then in the afternoon I had a few bites of toast. The day before I ate probably about the same amount of food. Is it pathetic that I am hoping for a huge loss on Tuesday?! Why am I secretly glad that I couldn't eat? Am I going to be like this forever? I just want this struggle with my weight to end end end. I lost focus, life just took over, but now I'm focused again, and determined to not lose focus until I hit goal. I feel pathetic that here I am, desperately ill, and I'm looking at the oatmeal carton to see how many calories a serving is. I wish I didn't have to care! So many people just live and eat and stay the same weight always. Food is just food. Like my husband. He has pretty much stayed the same weight his whole life. He doesn't sneak candy bars in bed, or have a bag of chips by his desk, or secretly stop at McDonald's or Sonic when he's out and about. He eats when he's hungry. And when he's mad or super upset? HE DOESN'T EAT. Men.
It's cold today, and I'm cuddled under a blanket all comfy at the computer. I've been in bed so much my body is screaming.
Make wise choices everyone.

It's the Friday Edition with Much Griping and Complaining and Gnashing of Teeth

2011-04-15T09:52:00.000-05:00

So the last week I have not slept much at all, the last 2 nights I have slept a whopping total of 4 hours. I am the walking dead today. Horribly congested, stomach hurts, tired, I'm sure I look how I feel.
Got Bethany dropped off at 3AM, she has the stomach flu too, but I had everybody's brother praying for her and she called from Chicago at 8:30 to say she wasn't throwing up anymore just all achy and was hungry! Well yay for that! So her trip is doing much better, she will call when she hits New York. She better take a ton of pictures.
So I haven't eaten much in the last few days, and when we arrived at the meeting house this morning my friend Kim had biscuits and gravy and eggs and juice and I ate an egg and half a biscuit with gravy. I kind of could taste it. But I was hungry so I ate. At 3 in the morning?!
When I'm sick like this I tend to gravitate to
1. easily made things constituting minimal effort on my part
2. stuff that can be grabbed and eaten as is like crackers which are so high in calories it's incredible!
3. chicken noodle soup
4. orange juice
5. chocolate milk which normally tastes good but right now tastes sour
6. stuff that somebody else made
Of course I am heading back to bed in a few minutes and hopefully will sleep all day. But then there is dinner to think about for my family, and I think I will make pancakes and sausage. Or waffles and sausage. Those are mindless foods that take no major thinking and the fam likes breakfast for dinner every once in a bit.
See I wish that preparing food wasn't like the most important part of my life. Being a stay at home Mom/housewife I spend the majority of my time planning, cooking, and cleaning up food. I think about it a lot. What am I having for dinner tonight, tomorrow, do I have enough milk for breakfast, does my husband/son/daughter need anything made for their brown bag lunches, making out menu plans for 1 week/2 weeks if I'm clever. I can just never escape food. It's a good thing that I figured out early on food is not the enemy, I am. Otherwise I would be freaking out all the time.
I am so thankful God made all the varieties of food He did instead of us eating, say, a gray paste every meal. I do love to eat, and this journey I am on has taught me so much. Like eating slowly, savoring each bite, trying to stay away from the mindless eating while watching tv or reading (unless it's popcorn, I try to have enough calories at night so I can eat an entire bag of popcorn without guilt if that's what I want) and I limit my 'liquid calories' such as pop milk and juice. And I've done well; it's the horrid illnesses that are knocking me around! My BFF told me that my immune system appears to be shot. Well hmmm okay so how do I fix that?! I have no idea.
Also I am supposed to go with my BFF and her Sunday School class to a Spring Fling thing at church camp tomorrow and be there ALL DAY. Out in the outside. Where it's all wet and damp and muddy, everywhere you sit will be wet and here I feel so gross. I can't wimp out because she's sick herself but is still going so there you have it.
And hubby is home today. He has this stomach bug now too, but the big difference is he can SLEEP when he is sick, which he did right when he got home through this morning. I HATE THAT. Why can't I sleep it's so not fair.
So walking has been a wash out right now, which is kind of funny seeing as we had much rain last night. I just don't have the energy or the desire to take a walk.
I got this email from a woman who wanted to 'ask me some questions' and 'would I get back to her'. I pulled up her website and it's all these weight loss products for sale! Well I think I know what she wants, maybe? Like I promote her website on mine or something. Forget it sister. I promote NOTHING that people have to buy to lose weight when it's so easy to do it on your own and it's FREE. And here I had typed up a friendly response with a cheery 'sure how can I help'. DELETE.
Make wise choices today.

The Year of Being Sick and More of my Blatherings

2011-04-14T20:51:00.000-05:00

So far this year I have been sick 4 times. The present one combines sinusitis and bronchitis with a stomach bug, which yes, entails throwing up, diarrhea, and a head filled with snot. No brain, only snot. Sometimes it's solidified into concrete, and others it's all liquidy. I'm grossing myself out totally here. Not sure why I have struggled this year with being sick. Each time it has been several weeks to get better. This stomach bug has just flown through the family like wildfire. At present the people afflicted are me; Eli; Mary; Josiah; and Bethany, the newest victim, who leaves for New York at 3AM in the morning tomorrow to sing with a group from her school. She's sleeping on my bed, all packed and ready, waking up to puke then back to sleep. HOW CAN THIS HAPPEN I MEAN REALLY. Poor poor thing. It will only last 24-36 hours but still. The ride to the airport; the waiting there; the plane ride; the switching planes; the train and subway and walking a block with all her luggage, all the while struggling with the physical trials of the illness. And of course there's no way she will consider staying home and missing this trip that she has planned for and worked for the whole school year.
So when I went to the doctor 2 weeks ago for the latest of my sicknesses I was deathly ill, and didn't freak out (at the time) that I weighed 309 pounds. But 2 days later when I was feeling a little better that number just danced around my vision- 309 309 309 309 - Being sick so much I have not been exercising or watching what I eat, I just didn't care you know? Well I do now. I weighed 2 days ago and I have lost 7 pounds, down to 302. Last night when I was up puking I couldn't sleep ( why is that I want to know that I can't sleep when I'm desperately sick) I reread The Amazing Adventures of Dietgirl. What an inspiration Shauna is to me! How it helped me to refocus! Because pretty much I have LOST focus, being sick so very much. I mean seriously, I didn't care. My doctor wanted me to drink chocolate milk, and I did. I tried to just eat healthy and not worry about calories. Well of course, my faithless body doesn't maintain the weight, it betrayingly ADDS MORE WEIGHT. So irritating.
I always thought there would come a time when I would be DONE. I would just live my life, eating like a normal person without worry, being active as a matter of course, and not regaining my weight. And here, in the last few months, I have gained back half what I lost.
Well I am simply horrified to say the least. Because every time I have lost in the past I have gained it all back PLUS MORE. So am I willing to accept weighing 375-400 pounds? Because that is what will happen. No no no no no.
Since walking is out for the moment portion control is so in. I have rid my home of all my temptation foods and have run out of the kitchen more times than I can count. And thankfully it all paid off with a nice loss.
And really, why did I think my battle would end? I will eat for the rest of my life. I can't stop or I will die. It might take me 2 years to starve to death but in the end you can't live without food. It's me me that ruins everything! I am so greedy, wanting and 'helpless' against that desire to eat. Or so it seems. Always the enemy is me. Myself. I am secretly enjoying being horribly nauseous and vomiting, hoping it will make me lose weight. Food makes me sick right now. I wish it did all the time!
So back I go to the beginning, remembering how important it is to never give up, to start right where you are, and keep going. And my big key is blogging. When I started slacking in this area, the accountability went to nil. The encouragement dropped to nil, because you all know my husband says nada to me. I am on my own folks. I NEED YOU ALL. Even though I desperately hate this post, the coming clean, the truthfulness, the honesty I am giving you. I have always hated those 'I lost weight but now I'm regaining blah blah' posts. I always saw those as screaming YOU ARE SUCH A FREAKING FAILURE. Not for me! Oh no I was never going to fail and if I did you all would be the last to hear about it!
So here I am. I have absolutely nobody I can talk to about losing weight. Everybody I know is either
1. Already wonderfully thin
2. Horribly fat and don't care
3. Horribly fat and can't do anything about it
Nobody I know is trying to lose weight. And even though my circumstances are a bit out of my control with all the illness I have had, still. Still. No more. No more weight gain. No more feeling helpless and desperate and sad. I REFUSE TO GO BACK TO WHAT I WAS BEFORE. Man I hated myself.
I even turned comments back on. That's how bold I am! Comment away if anyone still even reads this.
Yes, I am going to keep eating my cocoa puffs. And my chocolate milk will be measured into 1 cup and counted.
On a side note, our cat Amelia Bedelia went missing last week and I seriously thought she was dead and then. After one of my daughter's puking sessions she was lying on my bed looking out the window and saw Amelia in the window of the empty house across the street. Yes, somehow Amelia had gotten into that house and was trapped this whole time. We got her out and yay she is home! Oh and I have a new kitten to take the place of Ninja Cobra. She is pure black, and her name is Princess Penelope. I will never ever let her outside.
Oh and I had hoped to get below 200 by my birthday October 24 but not sure if that will happen now that I weigh THREE HUNDRED STUPID POUNDS.
I am not going to give up. I will never give up, never surrender.
Make wise choices my friend. I am.

Calm before the storm

2010-12-04T11:48:00.000-06:00

In the past week I have hosted: a Thanksgiving dinner, a birthday celebration, a taco feast, and a sleepover for 11 year old girls. I tell you I am so tired of cooking! It was fun while I was doing it but now? Ugh. And Christmas is 3 weeks from today. How does this sneak up on me! I am always surprised to find how close it is. Thankfully my kids are all older and able to find stuff they want online and link it to me on Facebook. Makes things a whole lot easier. Now if they could only like CHEAP stuff!
Been having headaches every morning. Someone said sounded like sinus stuff but I'm always freaked out and thinking it's my blood pressure and I'm going to have a stroke or something. It's been a bit since I've had that checked. I think I'll pop into the clinic and have them check me out.
Getting ready for my son and his wife for a 2 week visit over Christmas! We're all counting the days, and can't wait to see each other! I'm so glad everyone likes being here. Even my daughter Rachel who moved out to her own place is planning on spending the night Christmas Eve so we can all be together Christmas morning. And with our tradition of passing out all presents then opening them one by one by age it takes a nice long time. It was always fun when I had a baby cause I got to open their presents for them! NO BABIES ANYMORE yay!
Sometimes I get a little pensive at holiday time. It is so different now. No little ones, who can't sleep because they're so excited for presents. I love my kids so much, and as they get older their personalities have developed in such fun ways--it's never boring in my home! So I'm glad about that, and the closeness we share. I won't have an empty nest for many years, but I'm kind of having some kind of syndrome.
We have many fun holiday things coming up in the days ahead. An ornament exchange party, a white elephant party, caroling, Christmas party for the youth group which I have 3 kids in, Christmas cantata which I have a solo in (! and I'm new at this church!) and the Wednesday night prayer meeting before Christmas is all music, so me Bethany and MaryGrace are coming up with stuff, like duets and solos and all. Fun fun fun.
Sometime in all that mess I will be making my standard Christmas cookies and candies. Everyone's favorite? Chocolate covered peanut butter balls. My grandmother made them when I was little and then my mother and now me. I have to make them SECRETLY and then hide them in the freezer in a package labeled LIVER or CHICKEN. That way nobody will sneak and eat them. I also make peanut blossoms, white choc covered pretzels, and if I'm bold I make peanut brittle which I have such a hard time with (one year it was green! I've never figured out why that happened but when I called my Mother she laughed so hard--miss you Mom) toffee which I have a hard time with and sugar cookies, the rolled and cut out with cookie cutter kind that you can decorate. It's hard for me with all the sweets around. I will have much self control to exert so I eat only ONE. And not ONE several times a day!
And is it cold or what! Haven't been walking very far because of that. Is there ever going to be the perfect weather for walking? Where I don't sweat from the heat and I'm not freezing to death?
I asked for a kitten for Christmas. I wonder if I'll get it? And all the Mrs. Pollifax books.
Have a great day folks.

And so it begins

2010-11-24T10:36:00.000-06:00

I was just thinking when I typed the title for this that I don't know what day I am on of my weight loss journey! So sometime soon I will sit and figure that out. It's been 18 months I know that.
When I run during my walk, I don't have a set time. I just start running and I run until I just can't anymore. Today I could only run once, but during one of my songs I was listening to the beat really picked up and I walked along with it. It was super fast! I count that as kind of running. A car drove past me as I was running and at first I freaked out because I do NOT want anyone looking out their car window at the pathetic failure fatty doing a shuffling jog on the side of the road and then I thought WHO CARES ANYWAY!!! If they are mean horrid people there is nothing I can do about it. I refuse to stay fat just because I don't want people to see me being fat and doing stuff to lose the weight! I just cannot control what people think or say. And shame on them.
And so the holidays begin in earnest. The cooking and cleaning start today, with much grumbling and griping by my kids (Why does it have to be HEEEEEERE). I have already gone over my menu and figured out what I can make today and what has to be done tomorrow. Like devilled eggs. I cannot do them today. For some reason they get all watery and gross so I have to boil, peel, and prepare them tomorrow. Which is totally worth it, k? I am not freaked out about eating tomorrow. I shall be using the proven patented pending method that Sean uses: Just add 1000 calories to the day. That way I still have a limit, I'm not throwing everything out the window.
*****Menu for tomorrow***********
Turkey
mashed potatoes and gravy
homemade rolls
cheesy corn bake
green beans
devilled eggs
homemade rolls
oriental salad
relish tray with olives, gherkins, and cubed cheese
pretzel salad
pumpkin pie with cool whip
pecan pie
something chocolate, I haven't decided what yet. Thought about making something called Chocolate Demise but I'm afraid it'll be so good that I won't eat anything but that for the rest of my life.
Also having stuff for people to graze on later, with turkey sandwiches, of course!:
snappy oyster crackers
veggie tray with ranch dip
chips and dip
************End of menu****************
So tonight I'm making hamburgers and fries, a nice, easy meal that won't be difficult, after all the cooking today. Now I wish I had decided to make frozen pizza! That sounds a lot easier doesn't it! We'll have 14 people here. And I also need to iron tablecloths and napkins, make place cards, count out the silverware, pick out and fill salt and pepper shakers, find the candles I bought, and just generally do everything else. No, I'm not doing everything while my kids are lying around like slugs. Yes, they will be completely upset when I have them help. Yes, they will gripe and say 'I should have stayed upstairs' or 'I shouldn't have come into the kitchen' like I only make them help because they remind me of their presence. Kids. Sheesh.
I had my walk in between rain showers, and ate breakfast. I still need to shower and all and its already 10:30! There are not enough hours in the day.
Thanks for all the encouraging emails I got last night and this morning. Yes, I'm totally reconsidering the whole turn off comment decision.
Before I go: What do vegetarian zombies eat? GRAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNSSSSSSS.
I so love that! My daughter is an aspiring vegetarian and I was so excited to have a joke just for her!!!!
Thanks for reading. Have a good day, and make wise choices!!!!!!!

It Ain't Over Til It's Over and a tiny list

2010-11-23T15:54:00.000-06:00

You go your merry way, thinking you look one way, and then you see a picture taken of yourself and your body wasn't at the right angle, no hands on the hips, nothing. And you freak. Because once again, the image you carry around in your brain is not true. I thought I was past all that but no, still, I think I look thinner than I really am. I mean, it's nice and all that I don't see myself as a huge fatty, but it's quite detrimental to me. I let myself slide. I start having root beer every day for lunch, instead of it being a once in a while treat. I bake more, and taste more, and let myself have more every day, and the little bit I allow myself becomes a lot. A whole lot.
Getting myself back into the swing of things. The daily walking, with spurts of running as I can fit in/be on deserted parts of roads so noone can see me stuff. The measuring instead of eyeing. The saying no and running away. The remembering to take my anti depressants. Wait what? How did that get in there? Oh I forgot to mention that over the summer I thought I was 'better' and 'didn't need anti depressants anymore' and 'didn't ask my doctor because I'll be allright without them now' and 'basically was an idiot'. How many times have I read about people who went off their medication without their doctor's approval and horrible things happened? Like a zillion? And yet I think I'm the one exception to the rule. So I am back on the horse, after falling off. (Not a real horse)
Because, to be frank here, (and you can be Shirley), I am not done. My turkey tester has not popped up. There is more weight to be lost, food to say no to, food to say YES to, walks to be taken, stairs to be raced up but not down because I'm still afraid I'm gonna trip and fall and kill myself.
I found myself staying away from my blog for a very weird reason: MY SECRET WAS OUT. Yes. The dreaded 'everyone knows I'm losing weight and the pressure begins' thing. The lady at the grocery store who EVERYTIME she saw me asked me how much weight I had lost since the last time she saw me. In front of strangers in line. Who then looked at me like 'Good heavens she's huge now what did she look like before!' The family members who would hug me and whisper discreetly 'You look GREAT or FABULOUS or WONDERFUL' and you know it's because you looked like a WHALE and they can't BELIEVE the DIFFERENCE. The people I know in real life who are actually reading my blog and so therefore know all the disgusting horrible existence that was my life as a really fat woman. I mean, I was freaking out because there was no WAY I was going to tell my sister in law that I had trouble wiping in a regular stall which was why I always used the wheelchair stall and I'm so thrilled I don't have to do that anymore. You just can't fit that into a regular conversation can you? So all these real people who really know me know the real life I had before and it just became too much. It's one thing to be Zaababy, the cool hip fun girl who was losing weight and another to be Laura, who eats all the wrong foods and doesn't like vegetables and you saw her eating a candy bar and said 'should you be eating that'. And of course I only had myself to blame. I didn't have to tell anyone. But see there's this little thing about me that you might not know. I HAVE A BIG MOUTH. Yes. Don't tell me anything secret because I am so excited to be honored with the secret that I have to tell SOMEONE so they'll know someone else liked me enough to tell me something secret. That made a lot more sense in my head before I typed it, but you get the idea.
So there I was, basically abandoning the one thing that has helped me more than anything: accountability. You just don't realize how important that is until you don't have it anymore. Like indoor toilets. You go about your day, using that indoor toilet and flushing merrily away, not even thinking that people 100 years ago had to get COMPLETELY DRESSED to walk outside to use the bathroom, and if they needed to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night they would go in a CHAMBER POT THEY KEPT UNDER THEIR BED. You see how horribly inconvenient and smelly this is? Guess who gets to empty the pot? I'm pretty sure it's not the husband. And can you imagine squating over that thing? I'm sure I would miss it completely. And fall over to boot.
I'm disabling comments for the time being. That way I'm not crushed if nobody leaves me a comment. If you desperately need to tell me something you can email me at zaababy@sbcglobal.net. Thanks to all of you who have kept in contact with me over the summer, I really appreciate your kindness. I AM NOT DEAD.
*********Tiny List********
I went on a hayride for the first time in I don't remember when. I was able to climb into AND out of the wagon without injuring myself, the wagon didn't tip or lean heavily on the side I was on, and I had an absolute blast riding around my little town singing at the top of my lungs.
My grocery store doesn't sell moon pies anymore. My life is officially over.
I sang a solo at church and that was the thinnest I have ever been when I did that. Which btw we are going to a new church that I totally love.
*********end of tiny list**********
So let me tell you about me a few weeks ago. I have gained 20 pounds (horror filled gasps fill the air), I completely stopped walking, I was sinking back into depression BIG TIME, and was feeling helpless and discouraged. 'Cue Wellbutrin ad' I was super embarrassed about many things: not keeping up with my journal, people who would tell me how glad I was losing weight and not to stop (there is nothing more horrible to say to a person. Just sayin) feeling hungry all the time, nothing satisfied,
Now I am back walking--talk about sore legs!--measuring my food, taking my wellbutrin faithfully--twice a day--and posting. See, there is nothing I have hated more than bloggers who disappear then they come back in random appearances talking about how they basically fell off the wagon but they're still trying and then they are gone. For good. The pressure was too much for me and I basically caved under it.
Quick side note: My insides are saying stuff like 'you'd think you would wait until AFTER Thanksgiving to get straightened out'.

Tuesday. I think I've lost the creative part of my brain that makes cool titles.

2010-09-07T20:43:00.004-05:00

Feels like a very long day for some reason. Didn't get much sleep. Hubby drove the kids to school and I stayed in bed! I just could NOT get up. I actually left my little town and went to the library with a friend. Am rereading the book Half-assed: a weight loss memoir and I just love the way she writes! So real! I could sit all day on the computer reading stuff but for some reason, holding a book in my hands is so much better. I know I know, thats so old school.
Hubby called today to tell me that a painting buddy is inviting him to go work in Oklahoma for a few days. And then next week, in Iowa. Well of course I am thrilled for him to have work. But he will be gone and I will have to be MomDad!!!!! It's hard when he's not here. My dear son Sam (14) seems to be the worst. And the fighting sometimes between Sam and Josiah (13) can get to incredible heights (depths?).
Menu Today:
bacon, eggs which I ruined when I broke the yolk which set the tone for my day, toast and juice
two chocolate truffles. don't worry, I skipped lunch to make up for the calories. I just wanted to eat them so bad, so I did. Get over it.
two tostadas
one can root beer
kind of a boring day eating wise. But I really really needed that chocolate today, so thats the way it is. Can't go without eating chocolate. If I don't eat it right away, I end up craving and obsessing and thinking about it and then overeat. Such an out of control reaction to a simple desire.
Funny how I'll be thinking about something so earth shaking and then discover that someone else has written a post saying everything a zillion times better than I ever could. I'm talking, of course, about my friend Sean's blog.
Here is the part that hit me so hard, taken straight from his blog and made into a different text so you can plainly see where the good writing begins, and ends:

I was always fighting the wrong battle. I didn't know who or what was the real enemy. How can you effectively battle, if you haven't identified the real enemy? I made food my enemy, that was the battle. I was always determined to put the food in its place---I would try to defeat food at every turn. Food wasn't going to win. That was my battle. The perceived enemy: food. But while I was busy battling food, the real enemy would sneak in from the side and defeat me every time in a battle that I didn't even realize I should be fighting. The real enemy?: ME.

And there you have it. You can read the entire post here. In fact, I suggest you go alllll the way back to Sean's very first post and read them in order. It's so cool how one man's life can affect so many. Anyways, I've often felt that my biggest enemy was myself. Why do I sabotage everything positive in my life!!! Fighting and defeating self has been the most difficult thing in my journey towards thinness. The battle is ongoing. Daily. Sometimes quite intense. Sometimes I seriously hate myself. Sean, how glad I am that you wrote your post before I did, you say things so clearly! I feel like my thoughts are always mish mashed on the page. I don't even use grammar and punctuation correctly, lots of run on sentences, bleh!
I have never lost a nail in my entire life and am close to losing one now. It's still attached on one side so I leave it alone, terrified that I will snag it on something and then RIP IT OFF. I love grossing the kids out with it. Thats what they get, yeah its payback time for all the gross stuff I've had to look at on them. 'Mom, look what I can do with my tooth!'
So now that Dave will be gone I am completely revamping my dinner menu! I cook to please him, and I am not going to knock myself out for kids who would be just as happy if I opened a can of olives and a package of pepperoni and said 'Here kids, it's your dinner!' So kid friendly meals are top priority.
Hopefully this week I will be successful in my mission of shoe control, and get the kids clothes gone through. It's just unbelievable how many shoes are in this house. I will most definitely supply a number for the pairs and singles I find. You have to promise not to faint.
I will leave you with a pic of my new dog, Meatball. He is no Ninja Cobra, but is creating a place in my heart for himself.

Labor Day Stuff

2010-09-06T05:00:00.000-05:00

Obsessed. Yes, that's my middle name these days. Obsessed with something OTHER than food. It's that little tab that says 'Stats'. We all have one. It shows how many hits your blog gets, where from, how they got there, oh it's so informative! I am simply stunned by the WHERE:
United States (of course!)
Canada
United Kingdom
Australia!
Belgium!!
South Korea!!!!!!
Philippines!
Latvia!?! Where even is that! I had to pull a map out to find it. It's surrounded, incredibly,
by countries I have never even heard of! I feel so brainless!
Denmark!
India!!!!!!!!!
France!
Ukraine!!!!!!!
Germany!
Netherlands!!!!
Bulgaria! BULGARIA????
What--How did they even find me--WHY did they find me?!--Pardon me while I break into song 'It's a small world after all, it's a small world after all!'
Here I am, in my little podunk town smack in the middle of America and people on the other side of the world are reading about my little life. Weird how we all have something in common. We are trying to lose weight! I feel somewhat embarrassed that my horribly unhealthy method of losing weight is being scrutinized by so many, and probably condemned out of hand. Oh, I read plenty of blogs and not one of them eats like I do! All so incredibly healthy and colorful, I wish I wasn't so picky, I really do.
So, yeah, maybe some people came to my blog by accident, I don't know.
We're cooking out today. Marinaded chicken. We are going to try, again, to grill corn on the cob, it's never worked before but I'm determined they will be DONE this time! My daughter Rachel works in a bakery, and brought me two angel food cakes, uniced. I think I might ice one for tomorrow, I have ALWAYS loved that cake with frosting. I remember seeing my Grandmother NOT cutting it, but using a special utensil to serve it, like a huge comb. I don't think I even have one of those. We'll have devilled eggs, too, it'll be nice. And I'll freeze the other. For what I am unsure but the thought of letting that free food go to waste irritates me, so into the freezer it goes!
And the kids are out of school today, so they stayed up SUPER late last night and had friend spend the night. The entire night they were killing each other. On line. Modern Warfare 2. K this is SERIOUS STUFF to them. I personally prefer to kill people in a more fantasy based setting, but to each his own. Yes, of course, I'm talking about World of Warcraft. Did you just get pwned by a mage or hunter in a BG? Just might have been ME! (of course, it could probably have been the other way around....)
Bekah Boo is swinging by on her way back to college, to pick up all the stuff she forgot yesterday. Mmhmm. Calculator, flash stick, backpack, and who knows what else. Oh, and WM sacks for her bathroom trash can. Did I mention the school does not provide toilet paper?! I sure hope it's worth her going to college. I'm not thrilled with all the experiences she is having.
My husband informed me that he has work every day this week except for Labor Day. I about fell over with shock. Of course, with George out of commission for who knows how long, we will be juggling Eli's truck back and forth. I'm so thrilled he'll be out of the house--I mean working this week! Men just get so depressed and discouraged when they don't have work. You know? They identify so closely with what they do. All I have to do is tell women that I have 8 kids and they're ready to put me on a pedestal. When they find out I homeschooled for 10 years AND birthed 5 of them at home with a midwife they're ready to sacrifice small animals before me.
Yesterday's Menu:
Cocoa puffs, juice
two tostadas, one can of root beer which tasted so good I swear
half moonpie yummmmmmmmm heated up in the microwave it is heaven on earth
one tostada
couple bites of mac and cheese
Hey, I had to save some calories for chocolate cake! Yes, I made a dark, moist, luscious chocolate cake because I was craving some intense chocolate. And I had a piece. I made room in my calorie allotment for it because I seriously will die without chocolate. I will have another piece tomorrow. You have to go with the flow my friends. I learned that, early on. When you're craving something it's best to just have it, get it out of your system. You don't have to eat a ton of it. A modest portion works. Because if you don't. If you're like me. You will see that craving as a bad thing to be fought and conquered, and when inevitably you give in, you hate yourself all the more for being so weak. So eat it I say. And smell it. We don't smell food. Food smells so good. I ate my cake slowly, savoring each bite. Once it goes down the throat you can't taste it anymore. Everyone else had a piece, then I covered it with foil and hid it. Because the boys are having a sleepover and if I don't hide it those rotten boys will eat it all! For some reason, the cake is even better the next day. I'm a good cook.
This battle that I am fighting, it's a forever thing. It would be so great if I could make one decision that lasts forever, but I find it's a daily, no, almost moment by moment decision to eat less, move more, take a walk. Each day a new day. Not giving up is so key. And how you talk to yourself is so key. You will do this, you must do this, you CAN say no to *insert unnecessary food here* because you've done it before, you can eat it later. You get to a point in your life where you just don't want to be fat anymore. And you can give up, get depressed and discouraged, basically lose your life. Like I did. Or you can say 'Okay' and start today making the changes necessary for weight loss. What, you can take a walk. My first walks were agony! I had to constantly stop to catch my breath, my feet hurt, when I would get home my face would be all red puffy and sweaty and I would collapse on my bed for a good period of time. But it gets better. Make sure you get a good pair of shoes, you'll be so glad you did. Fill your plate at supper time, then eat half. Make your lunch, and eat half. Eating half is a good start. Oh and eat breakfast. Soon you'll graduate to counting calories, drinking out of measuring cups (now don't pretend you have never done that!) reading labels and refusing to eat anything that doesn't taste good. Why waste calories? Make them count! It's a new way of life, a good way of life.
Someone wrote me about how they can't have certain foods in the house, they would go nuts on it. Well for heaven's sakes don't have it in the house then! My first months, there were no chips whatsoever, and I didn't bake at all. I gradually got to where those things didn't matter anymore, I could trust myself.

I love being smaller.
I love always using the small stalls in public places without even thinking about it.
I love wearing pants with zippers.
I wear shorts in public for the first time in years.
I love being able to sit anywhere I please, even on wicker chairs. It's incredible!
I love having my seat belts lay properly on my chest instead of up around my neck.
I love having seat belts that actually click!
I love my clean, white bed, with the sheets that smell so good, and no depression on my side of the bed anymore.
I love rolling over in bed and the bed doesn't even move.
I love running up the stairs.
I love moon pies. Wait, how did that get in there!
I love having brand new appliances for the first time in my married life. I LOVE MY SERVANTS. Thats what they are you know.
I love having confidence in myself.
I love that I am strong in my heart and mind.
I love that my weight loss has made my marriage better, and not worse.
I love how I vacuumed the entire house Friday, even the stairs with this cool attachment that has a whirling brush on it, it was so fun, and I wasn't even tired at the end.
I love that I have already achieved some goals that I didn't think would happen til I hit the magical 150 pounds.
I love that I started this blog, and met so many awesome people, and found an entire community of folks who care about each other's journey.

And I also don't like some things.
I don't like how my stomach is still freakishly large.
I don't like that my daughters are threatened by my weight loss.
I don't like that some people are jealous of my success, and it has affected our friendship.
I don't like that it is taking longer than I thought to lose all the weight.
I don't like that I gained over the summer. I mean not even maintained! Whats with that!
I don't like the fact that there is no gym anywhere near here, but I wouldn't have the money to join one if there was. I know there is an aerobics/weights class twice a week at the methodist church but its $40 a month. I don't like that I can't do that.
I don't like not having a car.
I don't like the halloween candy that is already out! Staring me in the face everytime I go to the store. Thankfully I don't have a problem with halloween candy. It's those cadbury mini eggs that get me everytime at Easter.

I wish I'd done this sooner.
I wish I hadn't let myself get so hideously huge.
I wish I had a life that has nothing to do with kids and housework and being tied to the house.
I wish I wasn't scared to be alone during the day when everyone is gone.
I wish Ninja Cobra was still alive.
Oh who am I kidding, I wish my Mother were still alive. I know everything would be different if she would, who knows if I would have lost the weight.
I wish she could see me. She always worried about me.
I wish my Dad wouldn't lay these guilt trips on me that make me avoid talking to him. He won't be around forever, I should just grin and bear it but I don't.
I wish food didn't have calories.
I wish food wasn't the most important thing in my life.

Sorry to end on a gloomy note, it's what was on my heart.
Thanks to all who take the time to read this. Incredible that anyone does.
Have a question? Want to tell me how horrible I am and what wrong foods I eat? Send me an email, I'm responding to them, and enjoying the love and good wishes sent to me.
Yall be good now. Make wise choices!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yesterday

2010-09-05T10:46:00.005-05:00

Yesterday's menu:
cocoa puffs with milk
burrito made with beans, homemade taco meat and 1 oz cheese
1 oz pringles
1 oz chicken in a biscuit crackers. I might just give up on these guys I swear
2/3 of a chili dog, 1 oz fries
5 gummy worms
1 fudgesicle

Wow looking over yesterday it was sure junk food heaven wasn't it. What can I say, every once in a while my menu looks like that. Which incredibly is one of the reasons I am successful at losing weight. Because in the end, it's not WHAT you eat it's HOW MUCH of it you eat.
See, the problem I've always had with weight loss was completely changing what I eat. I seriously do not like most of the 'healthy' foods out there. Like veggies and fruits and fat free milk and cheese and fat free hotdogs and fat free soups and diet pizzas. I could go on. Look I've eaten all that junk. I've tried to lose weight eating all that junk. And guess what? I ended up at 356 pounds because I didn't like that junk. Tell me I can't have plain old regular potato chips but must eat the 'baked' kind because they are better for me. Well I've read the labels. They're really not that different except the baked ones taste horrid. I'd rather have a serving of real fat laden potato chips. I've eaten sugar free jello. Pardon me if I don't embrace it lovingly.
I love love love how there is so much variety for me to choose from when it comes time to eat! I don't have to eat what you like. I don't have to eat what anyone tells me to eat. I can eat exactly what I like and if you don't like it you can leave me a horrid comment and tell everyone what a horrid person I am and never read this blog again.
If it's so wrong, why is it working? Why does eating less work? If there is good foods and bad foods, why am I losing eating the bad foods?
See, that's where the mistake comes in. There are no good foods and bad foods. It's ALL good. Yes, every bit of it. I am so glad that God gave us EVERYTHING to eat. There is, incredibly, a lot of food snobbery in weight loss. I'm sure a lot of people who read this think I'm doing it wrong. I don't care. I am happy to eat chocolate cereal for breakfast, weighed and measured, 54 grams. I will drink my 1 cup of orange juice, my 1 oz of pringles, my 2 tostadas with carefully measured beans and cheese. For me, the 'correct' way of losing weight didn't work. It just didn't work. See, I have this terrible character flaw. I have no self control. Tell me I can't have something and then mannn do I want it bad. I want it so bad that I'll end up gorging myself on it like a huge pig. I mean come on, you don't get to weigh 356 without gorging yourself many many times.
How much nicer, kinder, and funner (more gooder than just plain fun) it is to eat exactly what I want but portioned to fit into my daily calorie budget. NO guilt. NO self hatred. NO sneaking. NO clandestine trips to McDonald's or Taco Bell because I can openly eat there if I want to. NOBODY saying 'Should you be eating that?' because I CAN eat that. I could eat chocolate ice cream all day if I wanted to.
I know, I know, you can eat so much MORE of the low calorie stuff. Ugh but why it tastes disgusting. Gimme a fresh chocolate iced donut and you can eat your fat free oatmeal with sugar substitute and fat free milk. I'll take 2 pieces of pepperoni pizza and you can eat your salad with dressing on the side. I'll eat my half of a moon pie and try to give you the other half but you will turn up your nose at that and eat a 100 calorie snack pack in a most elitist fashion. If you're happy eating that way, and it works for you, then yay! But please don't tell me what a horrible person I am because I factored a piece of cheesecake into my day.
There is room in the weight loss community for people like me. And I know there is at least ONE PERSON reading this blog who is just like me. You hate all the diet stuff and love all the regular foods. Well guess what, you can still lose weight eating the foods you love. I swear I harp on this over and over but it's the truth. What a feeling of empowerment it gives you! You are in complete control and don't have to follow someone else's successful weight loss plan. I only give my menus because I feel like it, I don't want anyone to eat exactly what I eat.
Meh I'm beating a dead horse here.
We are having incredibly beautiful weather here. So lovely after all the horrid humidity. You walk outside and it feels like someone has draped a hot wet blanket around you. I have always loved autumn the most. Probably because my birthday is in October, but it is just so lovely. Actually this year the world is new to me, like seeing it for the first time. The trees and flowers and birds and the wind blowing through my hair. It's like I was trapped in a nunnery for years and years and finally escaped. I do so much more now than I ever did. I walk and ride my bike and completely vacuum the house from top to bottom and yeah I break a sweat and get out of breath sometimes but I recover nicely. It's nice to get out of breath for a real reason instead of drying off after my shower, or going into the kitchen to answer the phone, or walking upstairs. Sometimes I hate reading my older posts. Who is that woman? My life is so different now. All because I learned to eat half a moon pie instead of a whole one at one sitting.
Work for hubby has been slim to none. How we are making it is beyond me. I go nowhere except the grocery store. l spend zero dollars on 'wants'. Incredible that I have so many 'wants'. My needs truly are few. I am getting along quite well without my People magazine, which is one of my weekly indulgences. I don't know why I just seriously love that magazine. Where it's hard is when it comes to my kids. It's easy to deny myself stuff, hard when it's them. Like Mary. During the summer, when things started to get tight, I promised her a bike before she started school, thinking that things would surely shape up before then. But no, things are worse, and I am unable to get her that bike. She won't ride mine. So she still walks to school. And makes me feel incredibly guilty. How do kids have that power I mean seriously.
And doing without a car. Again. So many years I have not had a car of my own. And the car we have now, George, is possibly on his last leg, sitting at the shop. We spent $600 on him last month and he still has the same problem he had when he went in there. Where we will get another car, and how, is completely beyond me. Can't get a car without money, without a down payment, and the work to support monthly payments. Not much I can do, so I pray. God has always met our needs, I know He will again, it's like this daily thing, trusting that God will provide. I obviously don't do a very good job of it since stuff like this happens all the time. I hate being self-employed, having your own business. I hate not having a regular paycheck. I hate not knowing how much money is going to be coming in each week. I hate not having health and dental insurance. I have lived this way for almost my whole marriage and I hate it. But when you have 8 children and no car you don't just nip out and snag a job. So I stay at home and make sure no unnecessary monies are blown. Except the cable bill, I really wish we didn't have cable but it's football season and for my husband it's a necessity. We have no tv reception without it. And internet is necessary for MY sanity. I run around turning off lights and fans and jumping on everyone because they left them all on. Again. When I got my first time in my life ever brand new appliances over the summer, the best part was they are ENERGY SAVERS and WATER SAVERS. My washing machine uses 1/3 of the water a reg machine uses. And my old machine was a king size, I know it used more than a regular one. The dryer doesn't have to dry for 3-4 hours to get stuff dry anymore. Our water bill was $100 less last month! I wish we could have sold them, but when Rachel moved out we were able to give her the old washer/dryer set to have in her apartment.
You can pray for us, for work for my husband, and a car.
Thanks for all the support you all are giving me. I believe blogging is also key, keeps you accountable doesn't it. And it's fun! I enjoy reading about other's journeys. Love you all!

Wherein I muse at length about nothing

2010-09-03T17:00:00.004-05:00

Kind of weird to think I've been doing this as long as I have. 'This', being, of course, losing weight. The longest I ever did this before was about 3 months before it all fell apart. I was trying to lose somebody ELSE'S way, and I just couldn't change into the person I thought I had to be. It becomes habit, measuring your food, counting the calories, estimating portion sizes. Just like it was a habit to mindlessly shove chips into my mouth while sitting at the computer, not even tasting them. I like my new habits.
My sister gave me a pair of butterfly earrings 'Because', she said with tears,' you are a butterfly!' I thought it was just so sweet of her to think of me like that, a delicate beautiful butterfly. My fat has been a cocoon that I have finally burst free from. (Speaking of cocoon, wasn't that the most awesome movie ever?) She is also continuing to lose, looking thin and lovely. It seems to be taking me FOREVER to lose. I wish I wasn't so impatient.
I am rereading a lot of old favorite weight loss books. My favorite right now is 'The Amazing Adventures of Dietgirl'. I have never met Shauna but I love her to pieces. I recommend you read her book immediately.
I still have not made running a consistent part of my day. So I have decided, that since I'm on my own about this, I'm going to have to just start. I've tried the C25K program, and amazingly the first week is incredibly hard! I'll have to come up with my very own pre-C25K program to get me ready for it! Like: Run a block, walk until recovered, then run another block, etc. OR: Run as long as I can, walk until recovered, repeat ad nauseum. There seems to be one hitch to this program. Or two hitches. My breasts. Yes, My big old humongous breasts heave to and fro when I run. My instinct is to hold ONTO my breasts as I run, keeping them still, but I'm sure that looks ridiculous and a little naughty to onlookers. So I'm not sure what to do about them. How nice it would be to not have to worry about stuff like that!
This month marks the 7th anniversary of my Mother's (miss you Mom) death. She died on Bekah Boo's birthday, which casts a shadow for me over her day forever. Sometimes the memories and emotions swirl over me like an ocean wave, and tears will come to my eyes. Then it recedes, leaving me to go on. That's one of those weird things about life. It goes on. I really feel for my kids when I go. We're all pretty close, which I didn't realize until someone pointed it out to me. Hopefully they will support each other. Ben Rachel and Bekah call me every single day. Ben leaves for Japan next month for 3 years. He and his wife are so excited! He has told me many times the name of the air force base but of course I never remember. His wife is an elementary teacher, and will be teaching over there. If they have a baby in Japan it will have dual citizenship! Which is extremely cool. I love how technology today brings us so close, even though we are far apart distance wise. I wonder how the internet is over there.
So Bekah has discovered that there is a gym for the students that is CRAMMED with exercise equipment, a sauna, a POOL, and is going to work out everyday! I'm glad she's excited! I would be too. All you folks who get to go to a gym, I am so jealous. I have no vehicle, and it looks like I won't have one for a really long time. There is no gym in my little town. She's also decided she's a vegetarian. Which makes cooking for her ridiculously hard. Thankfully she will eat tuna because a fish doesn't THINK like an animal, so we can eat it.....I don't care at least I can make tuna casserole when she's here.
Eli got his job back laying cable and he is loving it. I'm trying so hard to treat my adult children like adults and not children. Which is so hard. Poor Rachel I'm always telling her what to do. Don't listen to me Rachel!

Today's Menu:
2 pcs bacon, 1 egg, 1 toast, 1 cup chocolate milk
1 tostada 150 calories
3 sour gummy worms
1 oz chicken in a biscuit crackers. It will never be enough.
1 can of root beer which is a real treat, let me tell you. I NEVER drink pop. root beer is my fav.
mcdouble and fries from mcdonald's dollar menu and water
4 bites of white chocolate fudge cake. It was half of a half of a piece of cake. I really love to cook and bake. So glad I can still eat what I make.

Had a girl's night out with my daughters. Went to 'town' and shopped for supplies for Bek at college. She has to provide her own toilet paper! And we had to get some comet and lysol so they can clean the bathroom, and a broom and dustpan. Was fun but being surrounded by all that sheer energy and love of life made me feel tired inside. I'm glad that they are enjoying life but all it did for me was make me angry at myself for wasting my entire life being fat and having a cruddy marriage. I mean I have noone to blame but myself that I got fat. And not sure if there was anything I could have done about my marriage, I guess I could have left but I never did. And things are so much better now. Such a waste! Like 25 years of my life wasted. And now I'm going to be 49 next month. I will be 50 next year. Okay that is freaking me out big time. I am really feeling my mortality. I've always known I was going to die someday but now I know it for sure is going to happen, people die because they get too old! Their bodies just fall apart! And I also have stretch marks, my skin is going to be baggy and gross, and I did this to myself. I am normally very upbeat in my blog but you have to let me have my pity party. For at least 15 minutes.
I think I'm ready for bed. I'm done eating for the day. I'm enjoying having the ac turned off and all the windows wide open. It's 61 degrees outside! I love snuggling under the covers!

I'm Back Baby!

2010-09-02T21:36:00.003-05:00

Sorry about the absence everyone. I needed to take a break from my blog for a bit. Everything started going crazy in May with my daughter's graduation and I was feeling so guilty about posting that I decided to take a hiatus, which I didn't intend to have last 3 months!
Much has and hasn't happened in that time.
Bekah graduated, then she and Bethany spent the majority of the summer being counsellors at a camp for people with disabilities. I only saw them for 2 weeks. Then Bekah went to college, and Rachel moved out to her own apartment! I only have 5 kids living with me! The other night I set the table for 4 people!!!
So now school is back up and things are back in their groove. I'm walking every morning now, starting with going the 4 blocks with Mary then heading out from there. I love my ipod. Today was an Alan Parson's Day!!! I tried to match my steps to the songs but it didn't work half of the time.
I am so used to my new size, everything is so different from before, I feel like I am a completely new person. And I haven't even lost 100 pounds yet! My marriage is changed, I am changed, and I don't even know how that happened.

Stuff I never get tired of:
Looks I get from men. They even talk to me now.
Buying shirts from the normal part of the store--XL!!!!!!
People seeing me after many months and freaking out. No other word to describe it. Very gratifying! I guess I must have looked as horrible as I felt pre-weightloss everyone is so thrilled for me. And they all say the same thing: DON'T STOP! I won't, I'm not, that's nice and all but for some reason I hate hearing that.

Stuff that I hate:
getting up in the morning and taking a walk. Yes I should be all gungho and loving it whatever but it's hard for me right now
people who never even gave me the time of day when I was fat who are soooo friendly and nice now. What two faces!
My stomach is still so big. The rest of me is shrinking faster than my stomach and I have to wear bigger size pants because of my waist and the legs are all baggy! Ridiculous!

So the best part of the summer happened because of my grandparent's deaths last year. I received a small inheritance and bought a dishwasher, fridge, and front loading washer and dryer!!! My whole life has been made into a dream! Fridge has french doors, the dishwasher is so silent and has 3 arms in it for washing, bottom middle and top, and I love it! My dryer is now done before my wash is! And we have a new kitchen floor, looks like black marble, and all the appliances are black, it looks soooo snazzy. Even my trash can is black. I have, for the first time in my entire life, an icemaker, and fresh filtered water at the touch of a button. I AM SO SPOILED ITS UNBELIEVABLE!!!
So the tragedy of the summer is I gained 10 pounds but I'm just thrilled it wasn't more. Glad to be back on track again, with all the structure school brings to us all. AND now that our family is smaller, I am downsizing!! Yes, I went through ALL the bedding and pitched so much! My linen closet looks like one in a magazine now. It was so hard to find anything in there, and the kids were always knocking stuff off the shelves and not putting it back, ugh! Not anymore! I also went through EVERY SINGLE CABINET in my kitchen and got rid of so much! I had over 30 plates! Why?! I kept the blue and white ones that my Mother (miss you Mom) gave me, I also got rid of about FIFTEEN coffee mugs, boxed up all kinds of kitchen utensils that I didn't like/use--I now have an empty drawer in my kitchen! An unprecedented event! I also have created a cooking center with all my measuring cups spices and staples all close together. I feel so clever to have done that!
I also have a new dog. Yes, Meatball has joined our family. What started out as watching a dog for my niece as a favor turned into he's living with us forever. He is a white English bulldog/boxer mix. I LOVE THIS DOG. Yes, you read that right, I actually used the words love and dog in the same sentence. And the best part, is, he loves me too. He has chosen me.
Ezekiel has disappeared, which leaves Amelia Bedelia holding down the fort as the only feline. But she's so anti social. I miss Ninja Cobra.
Been battling my blood pressure all summer, and finally got on the right medicine I guess. Last time my bp was 120/60!!! I whooped when I saw that 60! It was so high all the time, like 145/105 and stuff like that. I was having headaches, even in the middle of the night! For no reason whatsoever! I'm also taking my vitamins faithfully. And the wellbutrin. :-)
Today's Menu:
cocoa crispies with milk and 1 cup of OJ
a burrito made with beans, 1/4 c leftover taco meat and 1 oz cheese and taco bell taco sauce yummmmm
pringles
1/2 c lemonade
half tsted cheese sandwich and 1 cup tomato soup
1 ounce chicken in a biscuit crackers which isn't much let me tell you
15 g dark choc chips
1/2 no bake cookie that I made, not even really half
If I even hit 1500 calories today I would be surprised. I love eating all day and still have calories when I go to bed. And I love eating exactly what I want, and not what some thin person who went to college or wrote a book or whatever and is impossibly thin tells me to eat. I don't LIKE cauliflower. I'm not big on fruits/vegetables. I've tried to change how I ate on my previous 'diets', which, as we all know, left me at 356 pounds, that's how poorly I did. How much more fun it is to eat what I want! Bacon and eggs for breakfast? Yay! tostadas for lunch? Yummy! Pringles or fritos or a fudgesicle for a snack? Lead me to it! Just because I'm eating those delicious things doesn't mean I'm eating huge portions. That's what people automatically think when someone has waffles or pizza. I can go to pizza hut and have half a breadstick, 2 pieces of pepperoni pizza and 3 chocolate dippers for 750 calories!
I am losing a toenail! I have never lost a nail in my entire life. I wore a bad fitting pair of shoes one day and could feel it rubbing on my second toe but couldn't do anything about it. I noticed as the weeks went by the end of my toe felt kind of numb, but what can you do? THEN I noticed the toenail was looking funny, all thick and gross like really old people's toenails, and I thought GROSS and was checking it out and you can lift it up on the left side and around! It's still hooked on the right side and it is so weird! I'm terrified I'm going to catch it on something and it'll rip right off!
So yeah, the economy is actually touching our household. My hubby worked less than a week last month. Mmmhmmm. And now George, our car, after we spent $600 to get him fixed is still messed up and is at the shop again. If we didn't have food stamps I'm not sure what we would do. Nice that God is looking after us. I asked Him to sell one of His cows that He keeps on the thousand hills and send me the money. I plan on paying August's house payment when it gets here.
OH I can't believe I forgot this part: when my son was here from New Mexico the entire family went to WORLDS OF FUN (an amusement park) and I fit in the rides and screamed my head off on every ride and couldn't talk for a week! AND me and the kids went swimming at a PUBLIC POOL and I went off the diving board TWICE and went down the huge yellow slide!!! AND at my brother's house on father's day he has a diving board in his swimming pool that I have never gone off of, ever, because I don't want to end up on america's funniest videos or youtube about fat people breaking diving boards. Well, I dived off it!! And it didn't break! AND I can climb up out of the pool using the ladder on the side!
Missed all of you very very much. Looking forward to catching up on you all. Hugs!!!!

Day 366--A Most Righteous Anniversary Post--I Want to Tell You About Me

2010-05-19T16:09:00.010-05:00

Once, a long time ago, there was a little girl. She lived and laughed and played. She was slender and blond, loved to read and play the piano, and was picky about what she ate. Very picky. And then when she was 14 years old, her body started changing. Her hips and thighs became curvier. She found, to her horror, that there was a name for her new legs: thunder thighs. She weighed 120 pounds.

Exercising and dieting were just starting to be popular in the 70s, but she never thought seriously about doing stuff like that. Everything could be concealed quite nicely. As she grew older, she helplessly watched as she got fatter and fatter and fatter. A few times, some weight was lost, giving her a semblance of control. But discouragement always brought all the weight back. Plus some.
When she got married, she weighed 140 pounds and her husband thought she was fat.
After her first baby, she weighed 150 pounds.
She hit 200 with her third baby and never looked back.
By the time she had her 8th (and final) baby, she weighed 300 pounds.
As the years went by, discouragement and despair settled in and became old friends.
She would never be able to lose all that weight, it was too much, would take too much time, was impossible! She hated most vegetables and fruits, and all the other 'good for you' foods that nutritionists declared must be eaten for weight loss to occur.
Always on the look out for the magic 'secret' that people had.
Hoping that scientists would finally come out with that magic pill that would change her life.
She weighed 356 pounds.
She finally accepted that she would never lose weight. She was doomed to being fat for her whole life. She would get bigger and bigger as time went on, and there was absolutely nothing she could do about it. Did they even make a casket her size? The biggest size clothes at WalMart didn't fit her anymore. All of her clothes were stretched and stained. She was tired and depressed. She hated everybody and everything.
She prayed daily that God would change her, help her lose weight.
She hated the movie Gilbert Grape with all her heart.
And then the most wonderful thing in the entire world happened.
She decided she would do it. She would lose weight. She didn't know how, but she knew she would. She began walking that very day. She learned to count her calories and measure her food.
But the best part of all, was she found she could eat what she already was eating!
No pills!
No surgery!
No weirdo diet!
No extremely painful exercise that would hurt her knees and make her breasts jounce dangerously up and down and pert near rip off!
And thus began her journey, exactly one year ago today.
My name is Laura Ward, and this is my story.

This is a difference of two years here.

~*'Where I'm Going From Here'*~

I have 110 pounds to lose to hit my goal of 150 pounds. I plan on increasing my physical activity, hopefully running in a marathon as every good little weight loss person does. I am definitely going to an amusement park in June with my family. The date is already set! The public pool will be visited frequently by me and my children this summer. And I will be wearing a bathing suit and swimming and having a blast! I will keep riding my beautiful bike (thanks Jack). I will sit where I want, play frisbee and volleyball, and run through groves of pine trees. I will eat when I'm hungry and stop when I'm not. I am also toying with going to college in the fall.

****My Mentor***

If you've read this blog very much at all, you will see that I refer to one specific person more than anyone else. Yes, my friend Sean. I consider him my mentor. I found his blog on Day 10 of my journey and found out what a delight losing weight can be! It's not hard, or painful, or frustrating. And I feel this way because Sean was living the right and best way to lose weight. Thank you, Sean, from the bottom of my heart, for all your encouraging words to me.
This is for you:
Yes, Sean is the recipient of the soon to be coveted award that I will be giving out. I am quite new at making things like that and if it shrinks anymore you won't be able to see my blog address!

*~*~*My Appreciation for Authors Who Don't Even Know I Read Their Book*~*~*
Much love and gratitude to the following:
The Amazing Adventures of Dietgirl
The Big Skinny
These books helped shape my attitude toward food, weight loss, and life in general.

I had toyed with doing this HUGE post showing the differences between my life before and after but I realized something. I am tired of remembering how horrid my life was. I have everything recorded in my blog so if you really want to know about it, just read it. All my little firsts have come and gone and now I'm living my dream. My marriage has completely changed for the better and I am so happy. I feel vibrant, and filled with joy. I look forward to each day, with no fear, embracing all that comes my way. For this is living, my friends. I am not a slave to food. I am not a slave to my body.
And how much fun it is to be thinner! How wonderful to actually have men talk to me in the checkout line! I am excited to look at clothes and try them on and then buy them and take them home! And I look great! I love shoes and can wear high heels again! And the sex is so different than when I was so huge! I can say that because I'm married so hush.

So now I'm off to celebrate this anniversary with my husband. Yes we're going out to eat and I'm thrilled that it's just not a big deal to reward myself in this way. I always have to cook and don't go out ever.

I'm done with this post. I'm off to live my life now. And I will try really hard to post more frequently!
Much love and hugs to you all and remember----

NEVER GIVE UP, NEVER SURRENDER!!!!!

Day 352--It's been a month since I've posted?! It's a good thing I have pictures.

2010-05-15T11:44:00.005-05:00

No words to say on why I have been MIA. When I was bigger, my world was so small and was easily encased in the computer. Now, my world is expanding and I seem to be gone a lot, and just plain busy doing other things when I am home. One of those weird things I didn't expect. It's so odd to think that one year ago I was so different, I could be a totally different person. In every aspect of my life, things are different.
Instead of a huge retrospective, I decided to just give you a bunch of pics. Since my one year anniversary is Wednesday, I thought the soul searching would go best then. Without further ado, here is my life in mobile uploads and facebook pics.
Enjoy!

My littlest girl Mary broke her foot, and that has been a bit of fun. Here she is at McDonald's after she got her cast on. Looks so pitiful doesn't she? It's waterproof!

Here we have me and a ton of family. I am on the right, third from the front, hidden. I never liked family pics like this.

At my Dad's for his birthday last year. I was so proud of myself, I had lost some weight and felt so confident--until I saw the pics! I so hated when people took random photos that had me in it! I couldn't 'arrange' myself to show off my best side. Well, what I THOUGHT was my best side.

At my Grandmother's funeral last summer. I was so careful what I ate at the church dinner, and so proud of myself. Once again, I carefully hid myself in the back for the pic. My face is so huge!

At my brother's. I looked quite disgusting in a bathing suit, hence the shirt and shorts. Also, I am wearing my glasses so I can keep track of all my kids.

I wore that red sweatshirt so much. It was one of my 'good' shirts, covered my stomach nicely.

Why did I do that with my mouth! I look like I have no teeth!

Sigh. I look so OLD here.

This is one of my other 'good' sweaters. Covered all my middle section nicely.

Ahh, here we go. Probably the most hideous picture I have of me. Looks like someone else.

One of my son's wedding pictures. Didn't buy a new dress. There was NO WAY I was going to get one. I knew nothing would fit. And if I could find one big enough to fit, I still wouldn't look nice. At least I didn't have cankles! One nice thing in a world of pain.

Everyone except for Rachel. She was in South Dakota or something with the Natl. Guard.

And now for something completely different!

Me on Mother's Day, 2010

I am wearing my husband's jacket and posing with my new bike (courtesy of Jack Sh*t) Lulubelle. She is sporting her lovely basket which I made.

Bekah Boo Baby and me, Prom 2010

Mother's Day/Eli's 21st birthday combo party

For some reason I can't move this picture right above. That's me and my nephew and I'm wearing the shirt I got for donating blood. It's the first XL shirt I have worn for over 20 years.

My sister and me at a school function.

I went up this completely narrow set of stairs on a field trip I went on with Mary and her class. It's the first field trip I have ever been on. I would NEVER have even attempted these stairs when I was heavy. When I would have realised the tour guide's intention to take us up them, I would have casually moseyed to the very back of the group and then gone out to talk to the lady at the front desk about all the beautiful pieces of furniture in the front hall that are in such good condition where DID they come from? So purposeful like. Instead, I went up the stairs and did not one time worry about if they would hold me. I also came down them. Just like everyone else. You have no idea how narrow this stairscase is. I also almost knocked a picture off the wall when I was up there. Did you know everything in a museum is old? They should really bolt that stuff to the wall! I was so mortified!

Inside Frank James's cell. I would never have been able to even walk INTO the cell when I was fat. I didn't even have to turn sideways!!!

On the bus. I fit. I fit everything. I fit going down the aisle, I fit sharing a seat, I fit. We had so much fun!

I was kind of scrambling for pics so here you go, me dying my hair.

Aaaaaand last but not least, me this week. I am wearing a LARGE hoodie. A LARGE!!!!

So there you have it. Please tune in for my one year anniversary post on Wednesday, May 19th. I will be revealing my real name, and discussing my life before and after. Probably in more detail than anyone really wants to read. But that post will be for me. Every single day I am blown away by the changes, inward and outward.
Thanks for continuing to read about me and my weight loss journey. Thanks for the encouraging emails I continuously get, they mean more to me than you will ever know.
I have also actually blown through my plateau and weigh 264. I have been toying with a few pounds up and down and ugh it is so frustrating!!!!
Much hugs to you all, fellow weight loss super heroes.
Never give up, never surrender!!!!!!!

Day 346--I reweighed myself, Bethany is sick. Zaababy's Quick Start Weight Loss Guide!

2010-04-13T19:15:00.009-05:00

K so I had to take Bethany to the Dr again today. She started with a sore throat Saturday and has deteriorated quite rapidly--headache, BAD sore throat, bloodshot eyes, dizziness, fever, ugh! Of course the checked her for mono. Inside I was thinking 'no no no no no no more mono'. At the moment they are saying she has a viral infection. I just hope it doesn't get worse. Bethany is in the school play this week and is most devastated. THE LION KING BABY.

So here we are at the clinic and I bravely and boldly hopped on the scale and I have lost 3 of the 4 pounds I gained. YIPPY YAY FAR OUT WOOOOOOOT.

I dropped Bethany off at home and headed to the pharmacy for her prescriptions and grocery store to get her some juice. While I was there I ran into a friend I haven't seen for a bit (Howdy S!) and she freaked quite nicely on how different I looked. We ended up talking for a while--I love my small town--and gave her my blog address. THEN one of my daughter's friend's dad came up to me and said 'Did Bekah Boo Baby tell you what I said the other day?' and I said 'nooooo' and he said 'You are looking great' WHILE LOOKING ME UP AND DOWN. Yes. Me! I said thank you freaking inside because let me tell you, I'm sure men have looked at me in years past but it wasn't appreciatively and I tell you what, it's heady. Too bad this incredibly awesome package is already taken!!!!! It's all for my hubby.

I went on a bike ride with Eli, Bek and Mary last night and Eli laughed at me and I said WHAT and he said you have the biggest smile on your face and it's been there the whole time! Because seriously, I am doing something I have only DREAMED of--going on a bike ride with my kids just like in the Sound of Music!!!! Then Bek ruined the moment by drawing his attention to the fact that I never turn my head but use my peripheral vision to look around AND my knuckles are white on the handlebars! Pft. I showed her how I could lift a hand off the handle but of course she imitated me with a totally shaking hand. I'll show her! And yes I don't move my head because I am being safe! What if a small animal ran in front of me, or a big rock or something! I would totally crash and burn and bif it bigtime. I like being prepared. I am practicing turning though, since I am always so afraid that my weight is still so immense that when I turn I will just flat out fall onto the ground and kill myself. I do enjoy ringing my bell. And sing. You can ring my be-e-ell, ring my bell. I swear I am totally innocent I had no idea what that song was about until I just now looked up the lyrics. I also went on another bike ride with my husband at dusk. That was the best of all, I believe.

I am making several dozen cupcakes for the play practice today, and bologna sandwiches cut into fourths. Tomorrow I am making dogfood and cheese/crackers and strawberries. Then Thursday for dress rehearsal I am doing pbj sandwiches and M&M cookies. My personal favorite cookie in the entire world.

I washed ALL my clothes yesterday and had no pants so on a whim I pulled this bag of clothes out of my closet that my sister had given to me last summer. Aaaaaand the capris fit! I am wearing size 22 jean capris!!! The khaki pants didn't fit but I haven't used my tried and true method of lying on the bed to zip them up. It is just simply unbelievable that this time last year, I couldn't even fit into the LARGEST SIZE at walmart and now I am wearing an XL in my top and a size 22 in the bottom!

I can't wait to wear my new high heels to church tomorrow night!

Tonight we're having chicken fried steak with mashed potatoes and gravy and yummmm it's my absolute fav meal ever. It is so freeing and unbelievably joyous to have learned that losing weight is not this horrible slog, filled with foods you find distasteful and pain and deprivation. Instead, I eat exactly what I always have---just less. So yes, that means I still taste the cake batter (I'm totally guessing here that what I eat is 200 calories please don't burst my bubble), I grab a piece of bologna if that's what I want (90 cal), or 1/2 c ice cream (150 cal), or 13 gummy worms (110 cal), or 15 g of dark cacao chocolate (80 cal), or chocolate milk (150 cal), or even a cheeseburger and fries from McDonald's (670 cal)!

~*'Another Reader Question of the Week!'*~

Dear Zaababy,
I want to do this. I want to lose weight. Everytime I try nothing happens and I get so discouraged! Please tell me how to jumpstart myself! Oh, and did I mention you are way cool and awesome?
One Sad Cowgirl

Well Cowgirl, I know exactly how you feel. That was my life for oh so many years. Here is Zaa's Quick Start Guide, just for you!

ZAA'S QUICK START GUIDE TO LOSING WEIGHT

Start today. Not tomorrow, not Monday. Start right now.
Eat every time you get hungry. Let's say you are hungry right now and you want some potato chips! Okay let's just mosey into the kitchen and measure out one serving of potato chips. If you don't have a kitchen scale stop what you are doing immediately and go get one. Saves you from having to count out 13 chips that are NOT the same size and are even broken and it's so frustrating! Okay so then you eat that one serving of chips and you're done.
You are going to have to relearn how to eat. We all eat too much. Everything you eat will be measured and counted. Some people just really like writing down what they ate and some people just really hate it. Do whatever you like, just always know how many calories you are putting in your mouth.
My calorie goal was 1500 because that's what Sean did. If you are unsure how much is best to shoot for, this site will help you determine that. Especially right here at first, you need to give yourself a calorie cap for the day. That helps you to spread your food throughout the day.
Eat exactly what you like. You do not need to copy other people's menu plans or ridiculous ones you find in magazines. Weight loss is big business, and there's lots of money in telling people how to do it. And think, you are finding out the way for free! Eat everything you always have, just less. You will be learning how much is considered a portion size and just eating that. Like miracle whip is 40 calories for 1 Tablespoon and that is the perfect amount for a sandwich. Same with 1 cup of juice/milk, one chili dog, 3 oz fries. I totally recommend you get this book. I bought it at WalMart and keep it in my purse. I am never at a loss anymore! I can always figure out how many calories something is now.
Learn to say no to food. It is most empowering. You will not be starving. You will be eating everything you love. So saying no to more than one serving is something you are going to have to learn. Here, let's practice saying no. ***You open your front door and you see a tattooed biker with long greasy hair with a crack pipe in one hand and an almost empty fifth of whiskey in the other, his motorcycle in the yard. He asks if you want to go on a ride out on a deserted country road. What do you say? NO.*** Good. Now let's make it a little harder. ***Your pretty blonde teenage daughter walks in with this tattooed biker with long greasy hair with a crack pipe in one hand and an almost empty fifth of whiskey in the other. She says she wants to marry him. What do you say? NO**** Makes saying no to another piece of pie no problem doesn't it?
I also am offering to you FREE OF CHARGE my patent pending 100% guaranteed method that pairs so well with saying no. RUN AWAY. You are in the kitchen. You eat a cookie. You know that one is enough so you now say NO and then RUN AWAY FROM THE COOKIE. There. Feel free to share that method. You may also run away like a little girl. Works for me.
Go for a walk. Everyday. I think walking is the perfect first exercise. The very best thing you could possibly do is get yourself a good pair of shoes. Everyone says that and I always thought it was stupid. But it's not. Your feet will really really really hurt if you don't. Mine did. I just could NOT understand why, especially because it was on the TOP of my foot, not the bottom. All the way up into the ankle. It was horrid. I splurged $50 and got a nice pair of Nike Air's for my 25 pound weight loss reward thingy. Wish I had done it right at the beginning but who has $50 just lying around amiright?
There are no bad foods. There are no good foods. Everything is okay to eat. I don't care what it is. Just have one serving.
We all have stupid diet rules. NO SUGAR NO FAT NO EATING BETWEEN MEALS NO SWEETS NO REFINED FLOUR blah blah blah. Some people are just awesome and can completely change how they eat and live and they can do it forever and I am so happy for them. But then there are the lame losers like ME who don't LIKE raw vegetables and steamed fish and all the weirdo things other people tell you is HEALTHY and GOOD FOR YOU. Let me tell you something. We eat real butter here. I use no sugar substitutes. If I serve my husband another fat free food he just might fire me. In my own little opinion which matters for nothing I think it's best to eat less of the real stuff than a whole lot of disgusting stuff that's good for me. That fake stuff just does not SATISFY. You know how good an M&M cookie made with real butter and eggs tastes when it's warm from the oven and dipped in one cup of cold milk I mean we are talking HEAVEN ON EARTH. And yes, I taste the batter too. I digress.
NEVER NEVER NEVER GIVE UP I MEAN I DON'T CARE IF YOU THINK YOU 'MESSED UP' OR SOMETHING STUPID DON'T EAT HOWEVER MUCH THE HECK YOU WANT BECAUSE YOU 'MESSED UP' THERE IS NO 'MESSING UP' ANYMORE. That's right. No more messing up. No more 'I ate something I 'shouldn't' so now I'm going to eat what I want for the rest of the day because I already messed up this day.' Let's see. You can eat when you're hungry. You can eat what you want. Hmmmm. Sounds a bit like heaven to me.

So to sum up: Start right now. Measure and count everything. Eat exactly what you like. Eat when you're hungry. Take a walk everyday. Learn to say no. Smile at yourself in the mirror. You're really going to do this! You're really going to be thin! Oh, and get a scale tootsweet!

I think that's about it. Be good, my fellow weight loss super heroes! Never give up!
Big hugs to you all!

I have to leave you with this video. This is the group that my girls are madly in love with right now.

Day 344--My first weight gain. I KNOW!!!! Blood pressure woes. I have over 100 followers!

2010-04-11T22:26:00.004-05:00

Wow what a couple of weeks I've had.
First off, my blood pressure has not been my friend. For a very long time. But see, there was always a reason that it was higher than normal. Such as kidney stones. Who wouldn't have high blood pressure when they're dying of pain? Also when they take your blood pressure they about cut your arm off with the cuff by pumping it up in a such a cruel fashion. It has NEVER been over 200 EVER and yet they ALWAYS pump and pump that thing and okay it really hurts. Sure THAT would cause me to have high blood pressure right?

And here I am, exercising and eating less, and my body is supposed to obediently do all the right things like LOWERING my blood pressure. But oh no, my faithless body decides to go in the opposite direction. It doesn't help that my mother (miss you Mom) never weighed more than 15 pounds overweight in her entire life and she still had horribly high blood pressure AND high cholesterol. That woman never ate any fat ever and she STILL couldn't lose those pesky pounds or lower her bp and cholesterol levels. I wonder what she would think of me right now if she were still alive. Okay so anyways, my doctor about floored me when she announced two weeks ago that she wanted me to come in every day or so to get my bp checked. Sigh. So I would trot over there (one block away remember?) and they would take my pressure and it would be high and then I would have to sit there and talk quietly with one of the nurses to calm me because surely the reason it's high is because I'm all excited about everything right? One of the curses of my personality. And then they would take it again and it wouldn't be as high but it would still BE high. So. Thursday she handed me THE BLACK SPOT. Yes, a prescription for BLOOD PRESSURE MEDICINE. I now officially feel OLD! And I am so sorry I do not want to offend anyone who takes this stuff it just is upsetting. I told her please don't have this be stuff that will make me gain weight and she said it won't. It's a diuretic called hydrochlorot. Notice how the last 3 letters are R O T? Mmmhmmm. Creepy isn't it.

So I couldn't weigh last week because they were closed for Easter. Makes sense doesn't it? Of course I didn't consider that and rode my bike up there to weigh and surprise! they were closed! So I went up Friday to weigh and boy oh boy guess what I gained four whole pounds! (I just can't bring myself to change my weight scale thing at the top!) My first reaction was to faint. I had to check again. Sigh. Easter candy, ham, and turtle cheesecake how I loathe thee. I didn't even stuff myself but I guess I ate more than I thought I did.
How thrilled I am that one of the very first books I read was The Big Skinny. The author went on vacation and came back to find she had gained a bit of weight while she was gone. Did she freak? Did she get super angry and eat everything in sight because it just didn't matter anymore dangit? No. She matter of factly pulled in the reins and lost it all again quickly. So after I weighed guess what I did?

I gave the rest of my Easter candy to my kids. They were thrilled.
I am pretty much saying no to anything that pushes me above my calorie limit.
I have my food of the day planned out in the morning.
I have dedicated myself to being consistent with my exercise. No more haphazardly exercising without goals. I am timing myself on my walks/jogs/bike rides so I can push myself to do more. I also want to help my daughter in her quest to pass her pt test (still hasn't yet) so she can go active with the army so situps, running, and pushups will be added in. We can do all those together. Of course, she'll be doing regular pushups, I'll be doing WALL PUSHUPS or COUNTER PUSHUPS or some other form of wimpy pushup. She'll be doing the real ones because she's IN THE MILITARY. I mean seriously, someone who is supposed to protect our country should at least do regular pushups amiright?
I am not throwing in the towel, giving up, feeling sorry for myself, or being coldly angry with myself because we all knew it wouldn't last right? I wish I hadn't gained at all. But when I decided to lose weight I knew I wasn't going on a diet, that this was for life. And real life is not perfect. I am not apologizing because I hate getting on people's blogs and they apologize for breaking the rules. Pft.

I toyed with officially writing about it here. I just hate reading other people's blogs and they start gaining weight and then there's this horrible struggle for a few months then POOF they're gone. I have lost NINETY POUNDS. That is a whole lot. My entire life has changed. It is so easy to lose focus. What is the goal in my life? It's to be normal. And surprisingly enough I am already doing all the normal things I thought I wouldn't be able to do until I hit goal. Such as:

sit in a lawn chair
wear high heels. Me! I haven't worn high heels in years and years! I tried some very cute ones on today on a whim and I could walk in them just fine and they were adorable and ON SALE. I bought two pairs. I also put my shoes and socks back on while I was standing up!
I got my hair cut last weekend and it was the first time that I can remember sitting in that hair dresser chair and there was room between my thighs and the sides. And the lady who did my hair was the same one who did my hair back in October. She remembered me! And my hair is short and cute.
At church I sit with my legs crossed and my Bible laid open on my lap. Notice the key words: LEGS CROSSED, LAP. Me!
bike riding
jogging
long walks
getting up from a couch, chair, toilet, bed without having to give a huge heave ho
fitting everywhere--seat belts, booths, high fixed stools at a high counter in a restaurant, regular bathroom stalls, between my car and another car that was parked ridiculously close to mine by a moron
rolling over in bed without it jiggling, the depression on my side of the bed disappearing
just plain old moving fast
running up and down stairs
losing a shoe size down to a not as embarrassing 10!
We were watching a movie and three of my kids were on the couch and I came in and said Hey I'm skinny now scoot over and they did and ALL FOUR OF US sat on that couch. Sometimes I can't believe this is my life.
I love showering, getting dressed, fixing my hair, putting on makeup. I really look good and I don't have to catch myself at a certain angle or do any mirror trickery to get it to be so. I just do.
I can wear XL shirts! This is really big to me. Now if I could just get my bottom half to match up to my top half!
This is bad. This is really bad. This is so bad you don't have to read it. The people I used to be jealous of because they were thinner than me? I'm thinner than them. And they know it. It's not a secret. And they act funny around me. Of course I'm not referring to the size 0 people we all know and love/hate.

I also have discovered a most distasteful thing that I have been doing: apologizing for thinking I look good. Yes, most stupid of me. I would feel so pretty and trim and cute and would be telling my sister or daughters how great I feel then I would say something like I know I have a long way to go still, I am over 100 pounds overweight, people look at me and see a fat woman but I still feel so great. Why am I doing this? Am I expecting others to say, 'Um, I know you FEEL like you look good but you really don't'. So no more apologetic attitude. I AM CUTE AND TRIM.

And I guess I should apologize for not posting for two weeks but what can I say I've been busy. Every time I would sit down and think about posting something would come up.

And now for my favorite part of today's post:

~*'READER QUESTION OF THE WEEK'*~

Dear Zaababy,
I've been doing well for several months but all of a sudden I am hungry all the time. No amount of food seems to satisfy. I'm really not sure what to do. Do you have any advice for me?
A Faithful and Loyal Acolyte

Well Faithful. First thing I would suggest would be to give yourself 300 or so extra calories a day and see if that does the trick. If it does, then you're good to go. If not, then you now know that more food is not the answer to your problem. Go back down to the calories you were at before and then, start doing the most horrendous, frightening, almost R rated thing in the whole world: START SAYING NO TO FOOD AGAIN. Oh yeah. I think some of us would rather face ANYTHING than having to turn down food. You've been saying no all along your journey so this is nothing new. I am now going to offer you my patent pending 100% guaranteed to succeed method that partners so well with the verbal no: RUN AWAY. Yes. You say 'NO' and then you 'RUN' away from the temptation. No's do work quite well, but I find that the getting away from the food really does the trick. I also like brushing my teeth. Nobody likes to eat with freshly brushed teeth.
The real trick is going to be finding out what's going on inside your heart and head that is driving you to food for comfort. I suggest you take the time to deal with it.
Please remember that I am only a fellow weight loss super hero. I am no professional so don't go telling your doctor that Zaababy said to do this/said not to do this. He'll think you're nuts. Always listen to your doctor before silly old me!

I actually broke 100 followers. I am quite flattered that you all have chosen to join me on my journey. And to those of you who have recently emailed me and told me you read all my posts from the beginning---here's your reward! *hands out some homemade foil stars*

It's late and my husband is giving me dirty looks because he is trying to sleep and I am clacking away over here in the corner. So hugs to you all. Be good and make wise choices!!!!

Day 327--Promised Pics--before and after, and my new bike courtesy of Jack Sh*t's contest! Oh, and weigh day.

2010-03-28T22:18:00.004-05:00

Okay first off I weighed Saturday and I have lost 4 more pounds for a total of 90 pounds lost! Incredible! I just cannot believe this is me doing this.
The promised pics have been uploaded!!!! I snagged my daughter Bekah Boo Baby and had her take a pic of me and my BRAND NEW BIKE THANKS JACK!!! A very smooth ride, AND I have a bell but no basket. Yet. Such a pretty bike! Her name is Lulubelle. But first, for contrast, here are two pics: First one is of me about two years ago. Yes, I'm in the red sweatshirt. And man I look OLD in this pic! My son Eli is the one with the dog in his lap.

Here I am at my son's wedding about 2 years ago. There was no way on earth I was going to buy a new dress for this oh so special occasion because I knew that absolutely nothing anywhere would fit and there was no way on earth I was going to submit myself to that torture. So I am wearing my standard skirt and shirt which were my best at the time. And notice the sandals. Even the largest size pantyhose did not fit me anymore.
In pic: Me, son Ben, my Dad, Danielle, my hubby David.

Aaaaand here I am with my pretty new bike, using the obligatory hands on hips pose. I got the bike yesterday during a lengthy rainstorm. I didn't get to ride it until this afternoon. Took two bike rides today!

Pose Number Two.

And yes, I can really truly actually ride this pretty bike!

So there you have it. Pictures of me and my bike. What an absolutely incredible couple of weeks I have had. Oh and I have had my first experience where my losing weight has made someone else feel super duper bad!
When I started losing in May, there was a woman down the street who had lap band surgery around the same time. We met because we were all walking around the same time in the evening. And of course it was a given that since she had had surgery the weight was just going to fall off of her. I remember thinking how lucky she was. I ran into her a few months ago when I had lost about 70 pounds and she kind of embarrassingly said that she had lost 50. Fifty. But her doctor told her that slow and steady was good. I was freaked then because hey, she had had her body surgically altered to lose weight, there was no reason for her to NOT lose weight. And then yesterday I was up on Main Street in my little town where a building was being demolished. There were a TON of people there watching. It was super cool actually. And I happened to notice a woman taking pics and yep, it was the lap band woman's daughter. I walked over and said 'Hi!' and she pretty much, yeah, freaked out on how I looked. Was actually kind of neat. At first. She asked how much I had lost and I told her 'Ninety pounds' and she freaked again and then she said 'My Mom is around the corner, come say hi' and I innocently asked 'How is she doing?' because if someone has had surgery to lose weight it is pretty much a given that the weight is going to just drop off. And she acted all hesitant and told me her mom's weight loss had stalled and the doctor said 1 -2 pounds a month was good, slow and steady was the way to go. And I suddenly did not want to go talk to her mother. Because I knew that my weight loss would hit her wrong. This is the first time I have experienced this. But there was no way to graciously NOT talk to her so I found myself reluctantly being led around the building to the Mother. I tried to handle the situation gracefully and graciously, and was very kind and said 'Hi' and 'How are you doing!' and EVERYONE IN THE CAR were just staring and staring at me in this incredulous fashion. The Mother was in the driver's seat and was almost apologizing to me for her weight loss stall and I don't even remember what I said, I just wanted out of that entire situation. She just kept looking at me like I was an alien or I had something on my face. What could I say? What could I do? Absolutely nothing. I had no reassuring words for this woman. She wasn't looking for anything from me. She did not ask me what my secret was. I know what I would be thinking. Here she has the surgery to physically alter her body because she could not lose weight any other way--and she STILL couldn't lose weight! I bet she thinks now that she is just destined to be overweight, that she is just one of those people who can't lose no matter what. I would if it was me. How simply horrible this whole situation is! I am cringing inside!
Oh and yesterday I ran from Main street to my own home to tell everyone to come watch the demolition and it was easy! It wasn't hard at all! I couldn't believe it! I think I might be ready to start the couch to 5K program. I think!
The big news? In September my son and his wife will be moving to Japan. He is being stationed there for 3 years. I am expecting really cool presents from them!
My daughter wants to ride her bike to school tomorrow so I can ride my bike to pick her up and no way nuh uh, I am still so very very new at this, turning corners is still this major freak out moment, NO WAY do I want all those people to see me possibly beef it on my bike! I hope she forgets.
That's about it for today. Glad I'm almost over my sickness. I am enjoying leaving the life of the mouth breather behind! Everyone be good and weigh and measure your food. It works for me!

Day 323--I am sick, Was it worth it, and a poem. Yes, we're fancy shmancy today

2010-03-24T13:30:00.005-05:00

So right now I have the worst head cold in history. My head feels as if all the insides have solidified into concrete. I am completely congested and can't blow my nose AT ALL. I have become a horrid mouth breather and my lips are chapped and the insides of my mouth are dry as a bone all the time. UGHHHHHHHHHH. My standard sick menu consists of:

juice. orange, grape cranberry, apple cranberry
ritz crackers. for the salt. they just taste so good
chicken noodle soup OR tomato soup

And now I want to eat crackers all day because I can taste them. The juice leaves a sticky film in my always open mouth and is 100 calories a cup! I can't taste the soup at all. I feel most miserable. I move between the bathroom, the bed, the computer chair, and short jaunts into the kitchen to get water or crackers. I was starving last night so I sloooowly got up and into the kitchen and weighed a bowl of honeycombs because that just sounded so good but I forgot how quickly they get soggy. I can only eat very slowly since I can't breathe while I'm chewing! Sigh.

What do I mean, Was it worth it? I asked myself this today. Eating all that food for all those years to end up looking like this. Was it worth all the trips to fast food restaurants, the constant overeating? No No a thousand times No!!! Let's just admit the truth: It's very easy to just let yourself go and eat like there's no tomorrow. I just didn't care anymore about myself. I thought I was trapped as a fat woman forever, so why not just enjoy the ride? The problem became quite clear--I wasn't enjoying the eating anymore. I didn't eat when I was hungry. I ate when I WANTED to. Many times as I ate I just hated myself because I could. not. stop. Look! There's a McDonald's! I'll stop and get a shake and some fries. While I'm at WalMart I'll buy two donuts and a bottle of water to eat when I get out to the car--chocolate frosted donuts. I'm going to get a few of these king size whatchamacallits (seriously my favorite candybar) to eat at home. They're my favorite! And they're on sale. I am making cookies today so I'm going to take numerous tastes of the batter, have a cookie from the first batch when it's nice and hot and gooey, then I'll eat 5 more with a large glass of milk in a little bit when I'm hungry again. And grab a cookie or two everytime I walk through the kitchen. And have more cookies and milk before bed. And that went on and on and on for 20 years!!! I started out slowly. I weighed 140 when I got married. I weighed 150 when I got pregnant with Ben. After I had him I weighed 160. Then I got pregnant again and my weight ended up at 175. Then I got pregnant again and hit 200 and haven't looked back since. I have not been under 200 pounds in 20 years. When I hit under that number it will be unbelievably incredible.
All that food. I always had seconds, or even thirds if I could get away with it. Eating with other people was difficult because I had to limit myself or they would think I was a greedy pig. I always made sure that I had something to eat. I would bake, buy what I wanted at the grocery store, and even had stashes of secret things like:

sour gummy worms
peanut butter M&M's
Symphony chocolate and toffee bars
Pringles
candy that related to the season that could be found in abundance: Peanut butter eggs, heart shaped dove candies, red green and silver wrapped kisses
hostess cupcakes

I gradually over the years came to accept this way of living as the normal for me. Even the mere THOUGHT of eating less made me panic. So I began to equate losing weight with deprivation. Because you have to eat less to lose weight. That's just the way it is. And since I thought I had no self control I pretty much gave up. Yes, for the last 5 years or so I didn't even think about losing weight anymore. It was a pretty sad life. Why look at calories? It'll just make me feel more guilty about something I can't do anything about. Every time I ate was another opportunity to completely stuff myself like I'm starving to death. I started eating alone a lot because I didn't want to eat in front of people anymore. I never went in to the fast food restaurants, just hit the drive thru and parked. I usually brought a magazine or book and had what I thought was a well deserved break from home. I began to feel that God made me this way. I was meant to be fat. Only problem was I was so unhappy! I didn't want to be fat! I just couldn't accept it! And yet I felt powerless to do anything about it. Every diet I started was so different from how I eat, there was NO WAY I could stick to it. It's like being told that starting right now I have to eat everything I do not like and nothing I do like. It is just not going to work. How much easier it has been the way I've been losing weight--Sean's Way!!!! I call it that because I patterned myself after him. I hope you don't mind Sean. Finding your blog was the best thing that could have possibly happened. (here is his link go back and read from day 1: http://losingweighteveryday.blogspot.com/ )
Everything is just so different now. I tell myself no so much. I'm just not going to have anymore juice, or a can of pop, or store bought cookies, or whatever. And I know that I will be eating again in a few hours and I just don't get that panicky feeling anymore.
What bliss! What freedom! I am finally achieving my soul's dream of being thin!
I am feeling most grody so I believe I will leave you all with this:

When I'm an old lady and live with my kids

When I'm an old lady, I'll live with each kid,
And bring so much happiness... just as they did.
I want to pay back all the joy they've provided,
Returning each deed. Oh, they'll be so excited!
(When I'm an old lady and live with my kids)

I'll write on the wall with reds, whites and blues,
And bounce on the furniture wearing my shoes.
I'll drink from the carton and then leave it out.
I'll stuff all the toilets and oh, how they'll shout!
(When I'm an old lady and live with my kids)

When they're on the phone and just out of reach,
I'll get into things like sugar and bleach,
Oh, they'll snap their fingers and then shake their head,
And when that is done I'll hide under the bed!
(When I'm an old lady and live with my kids)

When they cook dinner and call me to eat,
I'll not eat my green beans or salad or meat.
I'll gag on my okra, spill milk on the table,
And when they get angry I'll run... if I'm able!
(When I'm an old lady and live with my kids)

I'll sit close to the TV, through the channels I'll click,
I'll cross both my eyes just to see if they stick.
I'll take off my socks and throw one away,
And play in the mud 'til the end of the day!
(When I'm an old lady and live with my kids)

And later in bed, I'll lay back and sigh,
I'll thank God in prayer and then close my eyes.
My kids will look down with a smile slowly creeping,
And say with a groan. "She's so sweet . when she's sleeping!"
(When I'm an old lady and live with my kids)

~ Joanne Bailey Baxter, Lorain, OH ~

Big germ free hugs to you all!!!

Day 321--Sick aGAIN, weigh day, and all kinds of little goodies

2010-03-22T19:50:00.003-05:00

So Friday I weighed and I have lost 4 more pounds for a total of 86 pounds lost! I was kind of stuck around 275, so I'm glad. I was dancing (in my heart) all the way home. I can't believe I'm at 270! Nobody in their right mind would be happy about that number but boy I am. Hello, 270, haven't seen you in years! Don't be hurt that I won't stick around long.
Everyone has had a head cold and of course, I got it. Everyone is at a revival meeting and I am home alone. There is nothing worse than being home alone when you're sick. My husband kindly made pancakes for dinner and then they all rushed off. I actually slept for three hours today! That never happens. Why is it when I'm sick I crave salty foods? Horrible headache, sinus pain in my face and general ickiness and grodiness. And I not only want something salty, I want something chocolatey to go with it. Sigh. Chicken noodle soup just does not taste good. I ate a pancake.
We had a blizzard on Saturday. I know! First day of spring. Everybody on facebook was just hating on the snow and complaining and I thought it was kind of neat. There was no ice! There is always ice around here. The wind was blowing hard and the snow was pert near blown sideways. And it was a wet snow. We got about a foot and it's already almost melted. But they did not have school today because the country roads are drifted in!
I found myself thinking today of how different being sick is now than before. Before I started losing weight. I would only be able to eat what people brought to me or I could scrounge myself. So I never got to eat what I wanted, when I wanted it, and however much I wanted. I would pat myself on the back for not eating very much. It was probably the most difficult part about being sick, the eating was poor. Surely I will lose weight! But life goes on and as soon as I could feed myself I was back to normal. Almost a year later it's different. I don't eat near as much as I did back then. I am satisfied with one serving and not desperately wishing for more.
How glad I am that I started losing weight last year. How horrible to die and not attain any of my life's goals! I read about a blogger who died of a heart attack last Friday and man it freaked me out. Because I have put off all of MY life's goals to some vague future day. And I could die suddenly too! I better get off my duff and start doing the things I've always wanted to. Like clean out all of our closets. And the shed. And match all the socks. I hate matching socks.
Well I did do something today, I changed the sheets on my bed. And when I plugged my hubby's side of the electric blanket back in the lights started blinking on the control and I do not even want to mess with it. I have no idea what is wrong. I hope it's fixable. Being sick on dirty sheets would be so awful.
Now that I've bagged up most of my fat clothes my closet is skimpy. I hauled out an old grey sweatshirt to put on today. I didn't want to wear one of my nice new shirts! I knew I would be in and out of bed all day. But I am not complaining no siree. How my heart is filled with joy when I walk by the just my size shirts and know I don't have to wear them! And the shirts are hideous this spring! The patterns and colors so ick! And I waltz right past and head for the 'normal' part of the store and quite happily browse. I always come home with something. For years and years and YEARS I rarely bought clothes for myself. Especially the last several when even the largest size at Walmart was too small. I would buy the biggest size jeans (with an elastic waist) and I would MAKE it fit. Yes, I forced my marshmallowy body into those jeans so painfully but they were made of a stretchy jean material and it worked. Then I wouldn't wash them until I HAD to because washing made them too little again. I always had to stretch out my shirts around the hem so they wouldn't cling to me. And the shirts had to be long enough to cover my droopy tummy. I never tried anything on. It was too depressing and discouraging trying new clothes on. I still looked very fat and I knew it! I would smile hopelessly at myself in the mirror and go ahead and buy the least hideously colored/patterned shirt and tell myself to be glad I got something new! No more no more no more for me! There is nothing on this earth that tastes so wonderful and delicious that I would give up my life now for it. I never want to go back to that life. Ever. Ever ever ever. If I died today I could die happily because I am actually doing it, IT, what I have dreamed of for years--losing weight! Well I would feel a little guilty for not cleaning out the closets.
Everything is different. Taking a shower, sitting on a toilet, walking, going upstairs, buckling a seat belt, getting down and up from the floor, how I feel about myself, what my hands look like on the keyboard--so slender!--and my wrists! can these really be mine? And my calves and ankles and feet! I have monkey toes and they were really fat too but now they're not! They're normal looking!
As most of you know who are following me, I won $100 last week from Jack. And I got it in the mail, crisp and new with a quite lengthy and articulate note that said: Z--get you some wheels! Best, Jack. Well I am now on the hunt for the perfect bike. I want it to be pretty and perfect. I promise pics when I get it! I am so excited!
********More new cool things that are happening to me********

* The seats in the auditorium at the school where the girls had band contest was the same place we went to last year. They were so small and cut into my thighs so painfully. Then. This time I had room between me and the arm rests. Incredible! I love the things I discover that are unexpected.
* I put on a stocking cap Saturday because of the blizzard and I didn't look weird like I used to. My face used to be so round and puffy and it is thinning down so much. I swear I am looking in the mirror constantly anymore.
* My husband can almost pick me up. Almost.
* I rode a bus on Thursday with the girls to go to band contest and I could walk down the aisle without turning to the side! I used to have an entire seat to myself but this time? I shared with Bekah Boo Baby. I shared a bus seat and she didn't hang out over the edge! Yes I am normal indeed.
* I was flipping through some pics on Facebook and WHAM there it was. The worst picture, I believe, of me, at my largest. Taken two Christmases ago. And here it is, one of my rare photos:

There I am, in the middle. Like Jabba the Hut. Man it just does not look like me anymore! This is my family--in the back is Eli, Rachel, Marshmallow, my husband David, Ben, his wife Danielle. Front row is Sandy the dog, Bekah, Sam, Bethany and Josiah and right smack in front is MaryGrace. Only one missing is Laddie and of course my dear departed Ninja Cobra. I really need to stick a pic on here that shows you what I look like now. I think I will have my daughter take some pictures of me. Next post I'll do a comparison thing. I feel very brave posting that pic.

I feel so little when I drive my suburban. My stomach used to rub the steering wheel. I have all this room now my hands and arms look so different steering. My seat belt actually lays across my chest like it's supposed to, not in front of my neck like it used to be. And once it's buckled and I'm in it stays there, I don't have to constantly adjust it!
The red cushiony rocking chair I sit in at my computer used to be too small. But now I fit in it just fine. I NEVER sat in it when it was in the living room. Not only was it too small it was too low and I couldn't get up! I was an expert on quickly finding the places to NOT sit in when I came into a room and if there wasn't anywhere else I would stand. And I always had a very good reason for standing instead of sitting. How freeing that my life isn't like that anymore! When I was at my Dad's I sat on one of his wicker ottoman's when I was going through my mother's books! I can honestly say I have NEVER sat on it before. And I could get up and down off it no problem!
After church on Sunday we had a potluck dinner and I enjoyed giving myself little portions of the foods that were so different and interesting. And I got a small piece of my cake and ate only half. I make the best chocolate cake in the entire world. Potlucks used to be kind of a mixed joy for me. It meant I didn't have to make a meal for my family but then there was the stress of wondering if there would be anything that I liked to eat on the tables. I always brought two or three dishes to the potluck because I have a large family and then I knew I had something great to eat. And how embarrassing to go back for seconds! Especially on the desserts. So I didn't. But my soul gazed longingly at the layered chocolate toffee brownie pudding thing I brought and inwardly cringed as scoop after scoop was eaten and I was left with an empty dish. I had to be so strong so I wouldn't fall on the food like a crazed beast. I didn't want everyone to think I was a big fat pig so I was very careful what I would put on my plate. All the while I was eating my meal yesterday I was thinking about this very thing. I'm so glad I'm different.
I have so much confidence. I was always ashamed of myself before, of how I looked. And now I am not. I can meet people's eyes and not see that look. You know. The one that says 'Man she is SO fat.' Because I was fat. I was morbidly obese. I weighed 356 pounds. And who knows how much I actually weighed because I weighed 10 days into my journey, I could have weighed much more when I started! I also do not have to try so hard. You know. Where you have to get people to look beyond the fat to the exciting charming fascinating funny person underneath? I was actually quite good at that. And how cool is it that I now have the same personality but I look nice, I look good, I look normal! I have always enjoyed meeting people, talking in grocery lines, just talking to people in general. I just cannot explain how wonderful it is for me now.

************End of them because I swear this post is so long*********

Wow why are my posts always so long!
Do you want to lose weight? Do you hate how you look, what you wear, how you feel? There is no secret to weight loss. Just eat everything you normally do--but just less. Take a walk everyday. I counted my calories quite carefully when I started because I needed to relearn how much a portion is. Eat when you're hungry. That means about 5-6 times a day. Weigh your food, measure everything that can be measured. Write down the calories and portion them out so you have enough for the entire day. Read labels. I personally stay away from fat free and sugar free things. I would rather have a little of the good stuff than a lot of gross stuff. You will be surprised at how little you need to eat at a meal. I used to stuff myself like there's no tomorrow at every eating opportunity. Now I don't. I know I'll be eating again in just a little bit! When I started I did not eat out, I did not bake, I had no chips in the house, I kept away from everything that I felt out of control around. I slowly learned how to say no and now I bake and eat out like I used to--except I eat much much less. I bought a calorie book from walmart and kept it in my purse. I went to sparkpeople.com
I think I've been up long enough. I'm headed back to bed. I have a doctor's appt tomorrow at 11.
Big hugs to you all. Thanks for the nice emails and kind comments I have been getting. And how fun to find that a friend of mine has visited and read the whole thing from start to finish! Thank you R, you made my day!

Day 315--Pleasant Surprise and Shopping can be fun! and Reader Question of the Week

2010-03-16T09:08:00.006-05:00

Well imagine my freaked out face when I pulled up Jack Sh*t's blog and found out I had won in his prize giveaway!!! You can read about it (if you want) here: http://jackfit.blogspot.com/2010/03/giveaway-winners-and-this-time-i-mean.html I've had a pretty tough week and this brought a smile to my face. This morning I was shaking everyone awake and telling them I WON I WON! There is definitely a new bike in Zaa's future and it's going to be pretty and have a basket and a bell! I'm going to have so much fun picking it out, bringing it home, do I have to put it together? and then heading out on my celebratory ride! I promise pics. Jack, thank you from the bottom of my heart. And congratulations to the other winners of his giveaway!
So every single time I hit WalMart I go look at the clothes! Everything is on sale and I'm getting shirts for $3 apiece. And they are extra large and I just take them off the rack and buy them and try them on AT HOME and they fit, they fit every single time!!!!! Who would have believed it! And those size 24 pants I bought, it's like they are too big. Not fall off big, but just big. Okay I so did NOT type that with a whine because it's incredible what is going on with my clothing situation. I have so far bagged up 2 1/2 trash bags worth of clothes that are too big for me. I'm taking them to goodwill. No worries, I threw away the underwear. And my horrid red circus tent coat will benefit someone who really needs it and I hope she really likes it because I hate it and what it represents to me. I will never ever wear those horrid shirts and elastic waist pants and capris ever again! All stretched out and stained and really, I can't believe I wore this stuff. How I had deceived myself! What a tragic life I led! How thankful I am that I said 'okay' when God said 'Let's do this today'. And I was so determined, bravely walking on sore feet, stopping for breath every block or so, religiously counting calories and telling everyone else how many calories were in what THEY were eating and actually saying NO to extra helpings and learning to eat whenever I was hungry which is so contrary to diets but if I keep myself topped up then I won't gorge on anything, it's perfect really. Everything is different, and people see the outside is changing and have no idea what is going on inside my soul. I told my husband last night about how great it is that everything is different in my life from a year ago and he said he didn't think I was much different. Wha-? Am I expecting too much from him? I did not let myself resent him or get irritated because our marriage is one of the things that is different--we are both moving towards each other and he has plenty of time (hopefully) to get to know me again.
Weigh Day came and went last Friday and for the life of me I don't remember how much I weighed. In the scheme of things that was low man on the totem pole. I'll weigh again Friday. Someday I'll get my own scale!
I went up to my sister's Saturday. She had a women's luncheon at her church and I took the girls and we had a nice time. The best part--oh I will never forget--the women that I went on the retreat in October with were there. And they did not recognize me! And I remember thinking how much thinner they were than me but guess what now I am thinner than them! One of them told me she was jealous TWO TIMES, and 3 asked me in lowered urgent voices what my secret was! And I told them and you can just see the the blinds come down on their faces. They do NOT want to hear it. And I feel so little driving my suburban! And at my Dad's I went up and down the stairs no problem, not preTENDING like I could, and I went through several boxes of my Mother's books (miss you Mom) and there was bending and stooping and let me tell you this, I felt strong and vibrant and lovely and I was picking up boxes and felt so strong! Carrying them to a chair, setting the box on the floor before me and actually being able to easily lean down to go through the books. It is all just so incredible to me that this is my life right now.
I can actually walk THROUGH THE HOUSE AND UP THE STAIRS and nobody hears me. I can get into and out of bed without making a sound! (My husband is one of those horrid people that you can never wake up for the slightest reason because they get so stinking angry I just totally hate that about him but after being married to him for 28 years I know he ain't gonna change so I just have to adjust to it, hence the uber quietness in my OWN FREAKING BEDROOM) Last night I sat in the back seat of a van in the middle with friends on either side of that bench and I haven't done that in years, in fact, I can't remember ever doing that. I always got the front seat because I was just flat out too big. Seat belts fit me in every car/truck I ride in. Went out yesterday to lunch and ate 1/3 of my quesadilla and brought the rest home for my husband. And drank water. And had a total of 10 chips with their dip. (Mexican restaurant) And then later I had 1/4 of a small chocolate malt with extra malt and half the order of mozz sticks (2 1/2) and gave the rest to my husband. How fun it was to be able to just eat and enjoy and not make myself sick stuffing myself like a pig! There was this woman at lunch who said 'I am SO hungry I am just going to let myself go today. I have been dieting for 3 weeks and lost 10 pounds'. She has been eating 600 calories a day. You read that right. SIX HUNDRED. Well dang I would be starving to death too if I ate that little! And man she did eat a whole lot. I did not offer any of my insights in weight loss because

she didn't ask. I hate when people offer advice that I don't ask for and then they get offended because you don't follow their advice don't you?
I guess mostly because she didn't ask. When I started this I thought I would have plenty of reasons and I could do bullets because I love them so but I don't. Ah well.

So now we have a new feature, and that is

~*'READER QUESTION OF THE WEEK'*~

Dear Zaa,

Wow you are awesome! Everything about you reeks of coolness! My question is: Why do you hide your most excellent name from your readers? Because I am sure it is most bodacious!
Signed,
A Most Blinded and Loyal Follower Helplessly Enthralled by Your Charm and Wit

Well! I could just read emails like that all day! To answer I must take you back, baaaaaack I say, ten months ago, when Zaa first took those trembling steps into bloghood. I started blogging on SparkPeople--which is a nice site and really got me up and going but I kind of outgrew it--and I did not want anybody there knowing who I was. You hear about these cyber stalkers and they're creepy and all so I just went the anonymous route. For my cyber name I chose the name of my character on World of Warcraft--Zaa, level 80 troll mage. I always signed my ingame mail 'Zaababy' so that's what I did for my user name. Then when I made the bold move to blogspot I kept it, mostly because I transferred all my posts from SP to here and I am lazy and didn't want to have to go through and change stuff and I didn't think anyone would ever read what I write. So fast forward and here we are! I've been doing this long enough. I am almost ready to let you all in on my real name. Almost. I have decided that my real name will be revealed on May 19th, my one year anniversary. I know you are all panting in anticipation.
I have been looking back over my posts and there is a marked decrease in them during late fall/early winter and I tried to figure out why. And I did figure out why! It was the sameness, the daily exercise and counting calories and there were tiny changes, and big ones every now and then, but nothing else that I felt was interesting enough to write about. And now the changes and new things are coming on quickly, one after the other, some big, some small. What can I say, I felt things were just so boring and mundane.
Of course, now they are the opposite. Well, to ME they are interesting.
Happy St. Patrick's Eve everyone. Remember, we're all Irish on St. Paddy's Day, so wear something green! I'll be making a fun meal tomorrow for the kids but don't ever put green food coloring in milk because the kids think it's cool but they won't drink it.
Hugs to you all, and thank you for the kind, encouraging words and emails. You all are the best!
For some reason I can't fix the font size, so sorry about that.

Day 309--This is One Long List but you'll love it. I promise.

2010-03-10T19:39:00.003-06:00

*****New Cool Things In My Life--pretend these all have zillions of exclamation marks after each one*****************

I stood on the bench in the kitchen to get a china platter off the top of my hutch. And then I got back up to put it back later in the day. I haven't gotten up on a piece of furniture since I don't know when
jumped over a mud puddle without being freaked out. I looked at it, measured the distance, then leaped over it and didn't even worry about if my foot was going to land funny and I would fall.
I was at WalMart and saw some shirts on sale for $3 so I grabbed 2 that were extra large and didn't try them on in the store and came home and tried them on and they fit! Me! In an extra large shirt that I just took off the rack at the store! This is just blowing my mind.
Went shopping Monday afternoon and spent two hours trying on clothes! Oh it was so much fun! I bought a new pair of jeans (size 24--remember, I used to not even be able to fit in the largest size they sold) and 6 shirts EXTRA LARGE. I look so different with these new clothes on! I actually have an hour glass figure! Yes I'm quite voluptuous but it's attractive and I love looking at myself! My husband's eyes about popped out of his skull when he saw me. Which was most gratifying. And I got a new purse and it's smaller and green! I never have green purses but since I am becoming someone new I thought why not! oh and got a wallet for $5 that was green and matches perfectly.
I am ceremoniously going through my clothes and getting rid of everything that is too big. I threw away the underwear. My big red coat is going, and oh my closet is going to be so empty--but not for long!!!!!!!! :-) This is so much fun!
I catch glimpses of myself in mirrors at WalMart and I look good, I don't have to pull a shirt down or fix my bra or stuff my breasts back INTO my bra because they're bubbling out of the top. I look good just casually looking and I love love love it! Mirrors used to be my enemy, now they are my friends!!!
Was at the doctor's today and my bp was 130/80. She said that she was very proud of me and told lots of people about my success. I love that my doctor is my friend. Like today, I had something of extreme urgency that I needed to see her for and they worked me in because they love me that's what they said! Isn't that nice?
When I sit in my computer nook I have a fuzzy princess blanket I cover myself up with and my daughter came in and freaked and I said what and she said you used to turn that blanket sideways and it wouldn't even come around your body and now you have it lengthwise and you're so little under it! Little stuff like this just make my whole day.
At the store I ran into someone I used to go to church with and I could see she was looking at me covertly as we were talking and then she said have you lost weight and I said yes and she said I looked great and what was my secret! I smiled inwardly because everyone asks me that and I told her a very abbreviated and condensed version of what I do and she said oh I could never do that!
Was at the school today and one of the teachers walked by as I was talking and came back and said have you lost weight? and I said yes, and she said I look great! I will never ever ever get tired of people telling me how good I look! I can't wait for my Dad and sister to see me on Saturday, they haven't seen me for 3 months.
So my youngest son came to me two nights ago and said he wanted to start counting his calories/watching portion sizes and so I am being very encouraging and not critical and helping him make his lunch and stuff. My life touches so many others in such a neat way!
I feel so little in my suburban. I love looking at my arms as I steer and see how thin they are getting. I love looking down at my thighs and see how thin THEY are getting. Don't worry I look at the road too.
I wrote a check to pay for our water bill on the WRONG BANK and we bounced and man my husband hates when that happens and so do I it was an innocent mistake. Sigh.

Okay this is one neat video I hope you like it. I love this guy.

And as always, my best to you all. I decided instead of ranting and raving in a lunatic fashion about weight loss I would just share my cool stuff.
Toodleooski!

Day 307--Weigh Day, I'm loving this, and Zaababy is an inspiration? Peeeeshaw!!!!

2010-03-08T08:33:00.005-06:00

Weigh Day has come and gone with another pound added to the tally. I now weigh 274, a number I haven't seen in years and years! I still can't believe I'm really doing this. I have dreamed and hoped that somehow I would find the inner strength, the willpower to lose weight. Thankfully I don't have to have any of that!
Today my joy is not coming from eating 'diet' foods, someone else's prescribed portions, or following a 'plan'. I'm going to let you in on a little secret of mine: I'm a picky eater! Yes! A 48 year old woman still does not like onions on her cheeseburger! And she likes cheeseburgers. Supposedly when you are 'dieting' you can't eat stuff like that. Everything has to be so HEALTHY and LOW IN FAT AND SODIUM AND SUGAR. No wonder so many people fall off the wagon. Incredibly enough there is a way to lose weight that even picky people like me can love. You just eat exactly what you want measured and weighed and one portion of it. I now eat without guilt.
This morning I reveled in my 8 oz orange juice and 59 g regular old mini wheats with milk. As always, the whiny Zaa inside wailed 'That's not going to be enough I'm going to starve!' whilst I was measuring everything. That seems to happen a lot. I've been eating huge servings for so long I am brainwashed as to portion sizes. I can't tell you how shocked I was when I measured out one serving of cereal oh so many days ago. Because it is an incredibly small amount. I normally have two servings of cereal unless it's heavy like grape nuts or mini wheats, then one is good. As time has gone on, the portion sizes are becoming familiar. I have been trying to 'eye' amounts of food and then weighing to see how close I am. Most of the time I am on the mark!

If you do not weigh or measure your food start immediately.

Wait, wait. You haven't heard the best part. I eat so much during the day that I am never starving. I eat 5-6 times a day of exactly what I want--portioned. How how how can this even work! Yet it does. There is hope, my fellow picky eaters. You don't have to listen to the others with their ridiculous ideas of what to eat and when to eat and how much to eat and what NEVER to eat and what you must ALWAYS eat. People automatically equate losing weight with completely changing what they eat to 'good' foods, because what they're eating has to be bad, they're fat!
One of the first things I learned on my journey was I can still eat what I want and lose weight. How it changed my life! I just couldn't stay 'on plan' before and would helplessly watch myself as if from afar falling back to the foods I loved.

Sample menu of mine:
2 bacon, 1 egg fried in bacon grease, 1 toast with butter, orange juice
1/2 a moon pie with small cup of milk
burrito made from homemade taco meat, refried beans, cheese and Taco Bell sauce yummmmmmmmm and an ounce of fritos
15 g of Ghiradelli 60% cacao chocolate chips
a piece of bologna
tuna casserole, pumpkin bread, green beans
other half of the moon pie
And is this weird or what--all that is only 1500 calories because I eat small portions. Ooooh also none of it is fat free or low fat or sugar free. It's all full fat stuff.

It's all stuff I like. In fact, if something doesn't taste good, I don't eat it. Why waste my calories on something I don't like? Get real. I love to lick the spoon when I make a cake. Am I bad for doing that? Of course not! Am I bad for going to McDonald's with my daughters while shopping? No! When we think of eating regular normal foods there's this belief that the portions are all huge. Actually people on diets like to eat huge amounts of--you guessed it--things I don't like! But they like it! I think you should eat what you like.
Okay. I have this friend named Sean. Kind of long winded, but sweet. And he looooves ice cream. He discovered early on in his weight loss journey that he could still have it and boy he would. He would drive thru McDonald's and get a small cone. So I'm reading about that and my insides are jumping up and down with excitement. Now me. I don't personally care for ice cream, and I never eat it. But I adore chocolate. So I have found ways to eat it every single day. Sometimes I'll have a fudgesicle, or chocolate cereal, or a small homemade brownie or cookie, or a chocolate malt with double malt from Sonic. I also have this thing for sour gummy worms. And I might not have mentioned this before but chocolate moon pies are one of the most delicious things on earth. Now you. Maybe you really love salty stuff--like my sister. How brash and bold of me to tell you that to lose weight you couldn't have anything with salt! You have to eat what someone else tells you to eat. And it's all bland and flavorless. How long do you think you'll stick to the new way of eating? Not long!
Are your eyes opened to the truth yet? I bet you're reading this and there's this tiny flame of hope burning in your heart. Can this be? My dear friends. Start right now by getting yourself a scale for the kitchen. Let's say that today you were planning on having tomato soup, crackers, and a toasted cheese sandwich for lunch. Guess what. You can still eat that! Look on each label and figure out how much one portion is. Write down those calories, prepare your food, and eat only one portion of each. Or wait, maybe you want a bologna sandwich with chips and a ding dong. No no you want pizza! Mmmmm leftover tacos are good too. Chili dog and french fries? Sign me up!!!
How yummy that all sounds to me! Much better than this sample menu I found specifically for mocking purposes:

Breakfast

Hot Peanut Butter Flax Cereal
1/4 cup fresh or thawed frozen blueberries on cereal

Lunch

Salad made with 4 cups chopped romaine or other dark green lettuce (i.e. not iceberg), half an avocado, and 4 oz cooked chicken meat, with Vinaigrette dressing such as Sweet and Sour Lime Dressing

Snack

1/4 cup whole almonds

Dinner

Grilled or Pan-fried Steak (5 oz raw)
1 cup green beans, prepared as you like them
1 cup Mushroom and Peppers with Wine and Herbs

The only things i liked on that list were the steak, green beans and almonds. But one cup of green beans? Too much for me!

Or this one:

Breakfast

3 eggs with ½ cup cooked spinach and 1 cup sliced raw mushrooms, sautéed (in omelet or scrambled together)
1 small slice cantaloupe (about 1/8 small melon)
1 Apple Flax Muffin (or could save muffin for lunch)

Lunch

3 cups chopped romaine or other dark green lettuce
Tuna Walnut Salad

Snack

Another Apple Flax Muffin with a nice cup of tea

Dinner

Lasagna in a Bowl
Green salad with low carb dressing

The only thing I liked on that one was the cantaloupe.

Some well meaning person put those menus together and I wonder, do they actually eat that way? Weight loss is a huuuuuge money maker these days. Stuff like that sells, we are all so desperate for the 'secret' to weight loss.
That menu is fine for people who like those foods. Am I a horrid person because I don't like what someone else likes? Hey I don't criticize you for your taste in music. Don't criticize me because I don't like the foods you do.
Tailor the whole thing to fit YOU.
Today at breakfast I was filled with joy that I was eating guilt free and when I ate it all, I could stop because I knew I'll be eating again in about 2 hours or so. No more stuffing myself like there's no tomorrow. As a Mom I do plan all meals in the house and I never worry about where my next meal will come from. If I'm out and it's a meal time, I can head to Sonic or Taco Bell and eat, again, without guilt.
I am so glad God has made such a variety of foods for us to eat. You can eat what you like. And I can eat what I like. And we can all lose weight together !!!
To expand on my last post about riding a bike:

I tried not to think about it a whole lot. I used to ride bikes all the time when I was a kid. I threw on my daughter's XL jacket and headed out the door. Taking my daughter's bike firmly by the handles, I wimpishly walked it to the road so I wouldn't have to navigate my narrow walk. My daughter was with me as moral and emotional support. I got on. Boy those seats are small! I want a bike with a tractor seat. Hoping desperately that noone was looking out their windows, walking by, or driving by in their cars, I bravely put my feet on the pedals. I slowly started pedaling, lost balance a few times and had to put a foot down, and was most wobbly. But I was up and going and THEN I had to turn the corner and oooooh was I freaked but I didn't fall. Rachel walked by me so sweetly in case I did fall. I'm such a weenie. It was then determined that yes, I was riding and Rachel ran to her bike and got on and then we were off! We had a grueling route that we roughly made up on the spot of one block over, then four blocks down, one block back to our road then four blocks. How freaked I was when a car was coming! How scared I was to turn corners! How thrilling to discover that if I lean a little bit I don't immediately crumple to the ground in an embarrassing heap but instead am steering the bike! When we rode up to our driveway, I, as a big marshmallow, immediately burst into tears and hugged on Rachel because I, me, a woman who has struggled for years with weight loss and had a most abnormal life, just did something that was impossible a short year ago. We then did the whole thing again.

I have ridden it everyday since then. I am slowly becoming more familiar with the ground going by so fast.
And oh it's fun it's fun! I want a bike with a basket and a bell and all my kids think I'm a nerd but I don't care.
I never never never want to go back to what my life was like before. There is no food on earth that tastes better than riding that bike felt.
Am I beating a dead horse? I just want everyone to know that life is good while losing weight, it's not difficult, it's fun and joyful! Join me today!
So my niece messaged me on facebook and told me I inspire her. Can you believe it. I thought my life was going to be:
eating helplessly everything that called my name
getting fatter and fatter and fatter
having to buy clothes at no, not lane bryants because that stuff doesn't fit anymore, no, some specialty store
watching my world shrink smaller and smaller as I got bigger
not being able to do anything, even drying off after a shower or walking across the house to get the phone, without getting out of breath
not going upstairs in my own home unless I absolutely HAD to, actually, not using stairs at all if I could possibly maneuver it so. Dreading stairs when confronted with them. Trying bravely to walk up or down them just like everybody else but being so freaked with my legs hurting and they were so heavy and it was so hard
But instead, my life has become something out of a fairytale. Everything is better. Except I d0 feel incredibly embarrassed that I got as fat as I did. When I got married I weighed 140 pounds. Which means I gained 216 pounds in the last 29 years. You know that's the first time I actually thought about that. Doesn't that just blow the mind!!!
So to my favorite niece---Congratulations on losing 7 pounds already!!! I am honored that I am inspiring you! But my story is nothing compared to the folks on my blog roll.
And to my sister---Congratulations on losing 5 pounds!!! Soon you will love your Nazi trainer I promise!
Oh, and go visit Jack Sh*t's blog, he's having a fun giveaway today. You can find the link on my sidebar with all the other blogs.

Hugs to all my weight loss super hero super friends!!!
Toodles.

Day 302--a quickie, but everyone likes a quickie now and then

2010-03-04T13:43:00.002-06:00

I rode a bike today. My daughter Rachel walked along beside me at first because I am afraid I'll fall. But I didn't. Then we went on TWO bike rides. My legs are all noodly. But I did something I haven't been able to do in years because I was fat and I did it wayyy before I thought I would be able to do it.
Me!
Riding a bike!
It was so much fun!!!!!!!!!
And when my kids get home I know they're all going to want to go on a bike ride with me because I have never---let me repeat that, NEVER--gone on a bike ride with any of my children. And I have been a Mom for 25 years.
I am being reborn.

Day 301--How did I miss posting on day 300!! a most triumphant list and choosing to NOT buy Cadbury mini eggs

2010-03-03T16:57:00.002-06:00

Well. So much to say, so I will just delve right into my list. In no particular order I present:
*********My Most Excellent NSVs*************

I am wearing a sweater that is my daughter's. It's XL. Me. Wearing her clothes. I have NEVER BEEN ABLE TO SHARE CLOTHES WITH MY TEENAGE DAUGHTERS!!!!!!!! I feel like I'm mostly in a state of shock about this. Yesterday I tried on my husband's Chief's sweatshirt (XL) and it fit and I just ran around telling everyone I knew what size I was wearing.
I ran today. Really ran, not trotted carefully. The ground goes by so fast! Has it always been like that? Rachel and I walked to city hall and paid the water bill then we walked to the school to take MaryGrace her lunch and homework which she left on the coffee table. When we got to a block from our home we raced. She won, of course. But. I really ran with my legs stretched out and it was EFFORTLESS AND FREEING. Remember my dream? Mary wasn't with me but oh, can you imagine my thoughts? I wish I wasn't scared I would trip and kill myself.
I can hold my guitar on my lap, just like normal people. I used to hold it out all funny because I couldn't hold it against my body, my stomach was too big. Well not anymore!
I never sit down to get dressed anymore. I just realised this yesterday. Remember how excited I was when I put my underwear on for the first time without holding onto anything? And now here I even put my shoes on standing up! Incredible!
My daughter Bekah lost 5 pounds last week. Good for you Bekah Boo Baby!!!! So proud of her. She takes her lunch everyday in a Duck Tales lunchbox. All of her friends are now on the counting calorie train. Her best friend brings HIS lunch in a Nintendo lunchbox which I envy, I love video games. I think it's neat how one person's decision to lose weight can affect so many lives.
I am not buying Cabury mini eggs anymore. I could if I wanted, but I'm not. I bought a bag and divided it and I thoroughly enjoyed that chocolate. No way would I have been able to NOT buy a bag. I love how I can just calmly make a decision like that and it doesn't bother me. I purposefully go past the Easter candy aisle quickly. I'll have some more candy at Easter in my basket.
It's weird how I'm losing weight different than how I gained it. Like my top being an XL and my bottom part still big. I need to just go try on pants to see what size because my pants are baggy and I keep having to pull them up and might I add that I typed that with a big smile on my face? Because who would have ever thought that I would have BAGGY pants?
I bought a pair of sweatpants for working out at the gym and besides the fact that they attract every strand of dog/cat hair in my house, they are a size 3X!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! For years I couldn't fit into the largest size WalMart had!!! And now wow! It's just incredible. Somebody pinch me I must be dreaming!
Last week was a talent show and I took money at the door and put a smiley face on the backs of everyone's hands. And I dressed up for it. Like I was going to church. And I felt so pretty and attractive and cute and had an absolute blast! I love doing stuff like that.
In fact, everyday I feel that way. And I know that people look at me and think I'm fat because I still am, I weigh 275 pounds and that is most definitely NOT THIN but I can't run around with a sign that says 'I KNOW I'M FAT BUT YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN ME BEFORE' or 'I KNOW I'M FAT AND I'M WORKING HARD TO LOSE IT SO IT'S OKAY FOR ME TO HAVE CHIPS IN MY CART BECAUSE I PORTION OUT MY FOOD'.
In ways I feel reborn.
Let me elaborate if you will. Absolutely everything in my life is different now than it was this time last year. And that's just after 81 pounds! I feel so light. I have energy. I have much joy in living. I never want to lose this incredible feeling of accomplishment I get when I look at myself in the mirror and smile.
When I lose 100 pounds I will have my hair done by a friend up in the city, he works at a most expensive salon but I want to do the thing where they figure out the best hair style and color for you. I was going to just buy clothes for the 100 pound mark but now that I find I can wear XL tops I think I'm going to go nuts the next time I'm around clothes. 'Um, honey, I hope you don't mind, I spent all our money on clothes this week.' I really really really want a pretty nightgown, okay, not pretty, sexy. I want to look sexy for my husband. I hope I'm not offending anyone by saying that.
How it thrills my soul to have one corndog (210 cal) 3 oz fries (130 cal and I only ate half so 65) and then later tonight I will have a serving of sand. Sand is like dirt, but white. My son came up with the idea. Okay now don't freak we really don't eat sand and dirt.

Crush one package of vanilla sandwich cookies
mix with 1/4 cup melted butter
place half in 13x9 pan--glass is prettiest
Prepare two large boxes vanilla pudding
pour carefully over bottom layer
sprinkle remaining cookie crumbs evenly over top
if you are clever and think ahead, which I didn't, you could even buy sour gummy octopuses (octopi?) and put them on there for giggles
Tada! Sand!
For dirt it's all the same but everything is chocolate.

I really hate my clothes. I feel like I have said that a lot but it's starting to become this big thing to me. Everything I own is stained, stretched, old old old, unflattering colors and patterns, faded, long! everything is so long! and I used to never wear shirts unless they covered my stomach completely!
I fit so nicely into pantyhose and dresses for church but, yes, I hate those too! They're all meant for women who are much bigger than me and I look silly in them. I think I need a makeover or something. I wish I had the money for that!
high heels. or any heels. I wonder when I'll be able to wear those? I have been wearing a pair of black flat mary janes for church so many years I can't even remember the last time I wore shoes with heels.

***************End of that atrociously long list****************

I get many different reactions now to my weight loss. We have the folks who can't believe how I look and are excited! Then we have those who don't say one thing at all. I used to be like that so I know how they feel. If they say something it will draw attention to the fact that THEY are fat too and need to lose weight but they just can't because they're trapped and without hope and don't think they'll ever lose it ever. Then there are those who get tired of hearing about all my NSV's (non-scale victories) and don't really have anything to say when I gleefully tell them I jumped over a mud puddle (which I did yesterday, twice). They seem to be bored, almost irritated with it all. I can't figure out why, unless my nsv's are coming so quickly now that they are just tired of me losing weight and can't wait until I'm done.
I am so glad that I don't care what other people think. Because I never did this for anyone but me. And when I heard that losing weight makes or breaks relationships I didn't care about that either. So far it's making my marriage much better than it was before so yay!

R U FAT?
Have you tried to lose weight and can't because you're a hopeless failure and you're not consistent and you have no willpower?
Guess what.
Me tooooooooooo!
Let me tell you my secret: don't banish any foods.
Yes, everything is permissable.
BUT,
MEASURE EVERYTHING INTO PORTIONS.
Eat only ONE portion.
Eat everytime you are hungry, don't just not eat like you did before because then you are overhungry and you will pig out totally.
Eat exactly what you like.
Oh, and if it doesn't taste good don't eat it. Why waste your calories on something like that?
I love moon pies.
One is 300 calories so I cut it in half and only eat half.
I had to say something about moon pies.
Pick a calorie limit and stick to it.
Yes, I believe that just about sums it up.
Oh and take a walk everyday.
There!

I weigh Friday then I'm driving my girls down to that summer camp for their interviews on Saturday so that day is pretty much in the toilet for me relaxing. I'll have fun with the girls of course. But driving 2 hours both ways can be quite tedious.

Well that's about it for me. If you read this far you get a gold star!
Love and hugs to all my fellow weight loss super heroes!!!!

Day 293--Has Zaa ever Goofed Up? The Truth and More in this edition

2010-02-23T18:12:00.002-06:00

A day so not like what I had planned. I actually had a car today and the opportunity to be out and about with no children and then Josiah is sick, sore throat, headache, stomach ache, and stays home. I do feel sorry for him but phooey! Ah well, next time perhaps?
And no gym for the Mother. Am I weird to not feel right about leaving a very sick 12 year old boy home alone?
Speaking of gym, I am really enjoying it. The elliptical machine gives my legs a killer workout. The neatest part is there is this little sign on the machine that reads 'Weight Limit 300 Pounds'. If I had joined the gym months ago I wouldn't be able to use it! Right now I am doing one set of 15 on each machine, and all the different weights are written down on this chart I tote about with me. I just wish my trainer had written down the numbers of the seat positions!
Easter is coming. Everybody should be able to figure that out because of the HUMONGOUS amounts and varieties of candy everywhere you go. This is my toughest holiday, and the one I was dreading. Why you ask? Three words. Cadbury Mini Eggs. I have been known to eat an entire bag by myself, in one day. That's 1400 calories. I have loved these for years and years. I knew when I went to WalMart yesterday that I was going to look for them. I found them. Twelve eggs is 190 calories. So I divided the bag up into little baggies, each 190 calories. There is no way on earth I could have gone this Easter without this candy. I didn't even try. I never once told myself sternly that the candy was bad for me, no sugar for Zaa! I know myself. If I make an impossible rule I'll be breaking it shortly. I totally admire anyone who can set a rigid food requirement for themselves and then stick to it. They have that something special that I don't. The most wonderful part about the way I am losing weight is I can eat exactly what foods I want. Every single time I have dieted before it was with very strict rules. And you know what happens to people who break rules. They get punished!
So I can imagine the questions, the doubting looks. I mean come on, this is not common. You can't lose weight and have it be easy! It's right and proper for the way of the transgressor to be hard! But this is exactly what I have found to be true: you don't have to suffer to lose weight. If anyone had told me that before I would never have believed them. I watch television just like everyone else, and read magazines and surf the net and all over the place you see thin, incredibly beautiful people who can show you how to lose weight and it's not fun. You do have choices on the form of torture you want:

Drink a shake for breakfast and lunch and eat ALL THIS FOOD for dinner. Have you seen the picture in this ad? I have never seen so much food to be eaten at one meal.
Eat ONLY the food we send you, and don't eat it all at once or you're screwed.
Take these pills. You still have to follow this diet plan.
Take these pills. Watch out for the oily discharge that will come out of your rear end. This is the one I hate more than anything. You take a pill and suffer diarrhea and you STILL have to be on a diet. This is the best our modern technology can come up with?
Completely change your digestive system surgically, because there is no way on earth you are going to be able to lose this weight normally.
Make a huge pot of this very stinky cabbage soup and only eat it. Is there anyone out there who likes this soup and doesn't think it stinks?
NO dairy. No exceptions. Eat EVERY two hours without fail.
Give a sample of your blood and then a diet will be created to raise your metablism or something.
Only eat 10 grams of fat a day. Sundays are your free day!
Eat less and exercise. Wait how did this get in here?

So Zaa, are you telling us you have never 'goofed up'? That you've been perfect for the last nine months? That you have no regrets, no secret food stashes, no clandestine trips to Sonic?
No, I haven't goofed. To do so would mean I had created a set of rules that must not be broken to ensure success. And that is not what I did. Everything is allowed. All foods are encouraged. Eating when hungry is instrumental. Never giving up is KEY.
All my life I have been overweight. And I have tried numerous times to lose my weight and was never successful. I watched helplessly as the numbers on the scale climbed higher and higher through the years. I genuinely believed that I could not do it, I could not lose weight. I am not consistent. I am not strong. I am easily swayed by food. I have no willpower. I was going to get so fat that when I died they would have to have a special coffin made. Oh it was horrible. I remember watching What's Eating Gilbert Grape with tears streaming down my face. Because that was going to be me. I can see the mother sitting on the bed telling Gilbert 'I never meant to be this way' and I totally understood! No, I didn't weight as much as she did but I was well on my way.
I was trapped. I desperately wanted to be thin so every once in a while when I got sick of myself I would go on a diet. And it was a very strict diet because I wanted to lose weight FAST. I wanted to get on the scale and see HUGE losses, everyday. I would THROW myself into exercise, doing aerobics videos and situps and taking long walks and buying 3 pound weights and reading magazines about weight lifting. If I even lasted more than a couple of days it was a miracle. Come on, was I seriously NEVER going to lick another beater ever again for the rest of my life? Or eat at McDonald's?
The sensible way was to lose 1-2 pounds a week. But no, that was not enough for ME. I am so fat I have to lose a LOT of weight EVERYDAY.
Just reading that made me sound so ridiculous but I know I'm not alone. I know there are many people who feel the same way.
Can it be possible to lose weight without the agony? Is there really hope?
Yes.
I do not recommend anyone doing what I do the way I do it. Because if everyone else loved Moon Pies there wouldn't be enough for me. You have to look at your OWN life and tailor your weight loss to fit YOUR life. I did not have easy access to a gym so I walked everyday instead. I love chocolate so I made sure I had it every day. I could live without pop and sugared tea and lemonade nicely. I love bacon and eggs and toast and juice and joyfully made for breakfast

one egg
two pieces of bacon
one piece of toast with butter
one cup of orange juice

Total? 400 calories. And yes I eat the yolk of the egg and I don't CARE.
I love pizza so would eat half a Totino's pizza for 360 calories. Sometimes I would weigh an ounce of chips to eat with it. I love cereal but one serving is ridiculous so I weigh 2 servings and have juice and it's yummy. I love moon pies but they are 300 calories so I eat half and save the other half for later. Okay I could just go on and on ad nauseum.
I picked 1500 calories because I was patterning myself after Sean. If he had been eating 1350 I would have picked that because I really didn't know how to do this the 'right' way. I now know lots of women eat 1200 calories a day!
Making the decision to lose weight is the very beginning, the first step in a journey of a thousand miles. I thought that I would have the same life but be thinner. I was wrong. Every facet of my life was affected. Is being affected.
Sometimes I feel like I yammer on endlessly, repeating myself quite boringly. I apologize.
I have decided when I lose 100 pounds my reward will be new clothes.
I love looking at my legs when I am sitting with them crossed. So slender! I love wearing panty hose. I remember I couldn't even pull the largest size up over my rear before. I love smiling at myself in the mirror. My lips don't look so scrawny in my face anymore. I feel pretty. I walk quickly. I move fast. My kids tell me when I used to come up the stairs it was so slow and heavy and my breathing was tortured. Now I run up and they don't know it's me til they see me! I'm doing things I never thought I ever would and sitting anywhere I want in restaurants and easily buckling seat belts and wearing pants with zippers and enjoying glancing down at my wrists while I am typing because they look so skinny! And sex gets more interesting the smaller I get and I hope that doesn't offend because I AM married and that's the most details I'll ever pass out. My kids are proud of me, my husband thinks I'm skinny, and my life is touching the lives of others. Who would ever have thought that would be my life I am so serious.
Oh I weighed with my daughter Bekah Boo Baby and she lost two pounds and I lost one. She is quite ecstatic and man I was praying so hard when she stepped on that scale! I didn't care about myself I wanted HER to lose, to have an encouraging sign. I am so glad!
One last thing, and it's in code: Zaa, troll mage, Whisperwind
Be good fellow weight loss super heroes. The life you save may be your own!!!!

Day 289--Nine month anniversary and a bunch of firsts

2010-02-19T12:50:00.002-06:00

I am trying not to be completely blown away by the fact that I have been losing weight steadily for 9 months! Me! Incredible! This just can't be me. But it is. Weighing tomorrow.
The big news? DRUMROLL
I joined a gym! I never ever thought I would because of the money and I don't always have a car at my disposal. My daughter and some of her friends joined one and asked if I wanted to too, they would drive and I said YES! Yesterday the trainer took me around and showed me all the machines. Some were super fun, like the one you have to literally climb up on and then do pullups and pushups. The ab ones (there are four) rank from okay to Iwillneverbeabletodothis. So yesterday I did all the machines, and today I did cardio. That sounds so hip doesn't it? And you know what? Nine months ago I wouldn't have been able to even fit in most of those machines. I am also just a little sore, I am not in agony or anything. We'll be going during the week so MWF I'll be doing the weight machines and TTH cardio. This is just so exciting! I can't believe I am getting to do this!
Big news number two! You didn't see that one coming did you?
I have never donated blood. Nobody did that in the '70s unless you were a druggie looking for easy cash. Then I had too many children. THEN I was too fat to fit on one of those flimsy tables. No WAY would I humiliate myself in that way. So donating blood was one of the things I wanted to do when I lost enough weight. And how do we determine if we've lost enough weight to do stuff, it's very confusing. I figured losing 80 pounds was enough so off I went to the blood drive at the school. They took my blood pressure. I need caps for this. THEY USED THE NORMAL SIZE CUFF ON ME NOT THE FAT PERSON CUFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I felt that needed a lot of exclamation points. I about died when that happened, I wanted to jump up and go tell my daughters but I didn't. One was there donating with me, my other daughter is president of the senior class and in stuco so she was there in charge it was kind of neat. So then I got up on one of the tables and it did not collapse. It was actually quite sturdy feeling. I was surprised. They did their stuff and gave me a hematoma on my left arm, so they moved to my right and everything went smoothly. Afterwards I ate 120 calorie bag of pretzels and drank sprite! I never drink pop, it was like a party! And I got a Tshirt! The biggest size was an extra large. And guess what. It fits. I can fit into an extra large tshirt. Me! Okay I cried, I really did, I showed my daughter Rachel and I started crying and she hugged me hard and said she was so proud of me. This has just been an incredible day.
We started going to a different church on Sunday. Just a regular old fashioned baptist church with normal sunday school and church and evening service and Wednesday night prayer meeting and a nice youth group. It's in my little town so we knew everyone and they were all so nice, even the teenagers. I know right? So I'm quite thrilled. Funny how the answer to my prayer was right here all along.
I was thinking last night about how much my life has changed in the past 9 months. Because it is completely different. You wouldn't think a decision to lose weight would have such an impact on a person. It all started with just the decision to do it. Then deciding no foods were offlimits. I needed a strict calorie budget of 1500 at first to teach me portion sizes. Walking everyday no matter what was important. I even walked in the rain! Never ever giving up no matter what was my motto from the first. I am thankful that losing weight has had a positive impact on my marriage. It's like night and day. Man I hated my husband so very much. He was just so awful to me all the time! All I could think about was how much he hated me, why does he hate me so much, why can't he love me, I must really be a horrible person if my own husband hates me. And now that's just gone. He is kind, he teases me all the time, and is most willing to have sex anytime. Which is as it should be. I feel that this verse applies very much: 'And I will restore to you the years that the locust hath eaten...' Joel 2.25 Things have been bad for over 20 years. I have a lot of time to make up!
I feel like I have come out on the other side of something. I don't know how else to describe it. My life has been so very very difficult, and then losing my Mother, and everything just fell apart. I miss her and always will but I'm not consumed with the crushing grief that was part of me. I'm so thankful for all that God has done in my life. For so long I couldn't find Him, I felt He had deserted me. Things were so difficult! Hard! Impossible! Horrible! And now I feel like He is just pouring blessing after blessing on me. I just hope He doesn't bless me with another baby! I'm 48, surely I'm done!
My daughters are still counting their calories. It's so great that they can eat what they want portioned out. I made peanutbutter chocolate chip cookies last night. I had one, they had one. I had one today. It's just so nice! I have a pic on the fridge of me before I started and the words 'NEVER FORGET' underneath. Man I look so different now!
Making pumpkin bread and tuna casserole for dinner tonight. It's a cold rainy day. I also get to walk IN THE RAIN to get my daughter from school because I have no car today. Yes I have an umbrella.
I'm sure that there is at least one person reading this who wants desperately to lose weight and can't. You've tried everything. You've lost and regained. You're discouraged, scared, and filled with despair. Well guess what. I was too! I weighed 356 pounds when I started. Having to lose 200 pounds was an astronomical amount but I didn't care. I hated myself, my clothes, how people looked at me, how I couldn't fit into anything. No rigid stupid diet rules for me! I ate exactly what I wanted but portioned to fit into my 1500 calorie a day limit. Popcorn? Sure! Pizza? Yep. Normal everyday regular foods that everybody else got to eat. No special foods for me! I made a cheesecake for a birthday and carefully calculated the calories and then had a piece. I think it was 330 or something but it was so great that I could eat it and NO GUILT. And I walked every single day. At first I could barely walk anywhere and had to stop for a breath constantly! Now I can do 2.5 miles no problem and when the snow and ice are gone will be jogging/walking. I want to be a runner. I can run now. Up and down the stairs, into the kitchen, from the car to the front door, oh it's so freeing! And I tell myself no. I could never do that. Food controlled me, completely. If it called, I answered. Now I say no and it's incredibly empowering. I have one cookie and of course, my faithless body wants another. I say no and just walk away. Oh I am having so much fun shrinking! The weirdest part is people are impressed. Eighty pounds is a lot--for some not me! I have 120 left to go! People who have never met me see me and think I'm fat I know they do. Because I still am fat. But everyone who knows me freaks, they just freak when they see me. It's quite gratifying. And I am proud of myself. I am actually doing something right and good! Me, the inconsistent, cheating, lying about what I eat person! That woman is gone and she is not coming back.
So there you have it. Life is good.
Make wise choices, and never give up!!!

Day 282--Weigh Day and Much Aimless Ramblings

2010-02-12T12:36:00.002-06:00

Ever since I started on this journey, I wanted my girls to see how easy it is to lose weight. They did the old starvation thing--you know, skip breakfast, skip lunch, eat dinner. Of course, they totally pigged out when they 'let' themselves eat. They never lost weight. And then they decided that oh, if I exercise a whole lot then I'll lose weight so they did that. And it didn't work.
Waaaaaaaait a minute, Mom has lost a ton of weight and looks great, her way MUST work. So here we all are, counting calories, checking portion sizes, weighing our food. We still eat exactly what we always have. Just less. When Bekah was making her first lunch to take to school, we carefully measured and calculated everything, and she freaked when she saw 1T of miracle whip was 40 calories. That'll never be enough! But oh surprise, it was the perfect amount. And an ounce of chips is a nice portion. So they are all weighing at the clinic tomorrow morning. I really need to get a scale of my own!
I am wearing an old pair of size 26 black jeans. How I wish with all my heart that they were monstrously huge on me but nope. Almost crushing to lose so much weight yet I still can wear the largest size WalMart carries! And I'm losing weight different than I gained. I still have a lot around the middle and that is what is keeping me in the big sizes.
So much ice and snow here, it's incredible! I am so scared I will slip and fall on the ice so I haven't been walking at all except my brave forays to pick up my daughter at school on warmer melty days.
Everytime I weigh I am surprised that the numbers keep going down. Unbelievable!
Running up and down the stairs? I do it all the time now. It's so slow to walk them! And to think I used to baby step up and down those stairs if I even used them at all! I can even pass a kid on the stairs. Used to be if Mom was on the stairs you waited until I got up or down and THEN you could use them.
I actually went down on one knee to fish something off a bottom shelf at the store. Not home where I could safely discover if that maneuver was even possible! No, I couldn't reach the oyster crackers and swoop! down I went and then saw some guy behind me in the aisle and after I had the crackers just stood up again. Without getting up my normal way which is get on all fours first. Just stood up. I still can't believe that even happened. I have to constantly remind myself that I can do normal things now.
The McDonald's in the next town remodeled, and for the bathroom, to make the wheelchair stall, they just moved one wall over a bit. That made the OTHER stall big enough for a small child. One time, I went in there and someone was in the wheelchair stall. I looked at the other door and thought um I don't know if I'll even fit through the door. So then I tried to get into the stall and there was no way I mean there was just no way I was even going to get in there. And if I managed to force my way in I would be trapped!!!! Forever!!! No way could I go under that door. I just left and didn't use the bathroom. So last month my daughter and I had lunch there and I went into the bathroom and I USED THAT STALL. Oh yeah I sure did, walked in with no problems and I still can't believe it. This all seriously blows my mind.
I really enjoy getting dressed. My shirts are all big on me and I look completely different in them. These black jeans? They are so long!! They never used to be. And my shirts are so long! And stretched out in the middle. I actually layer shirts! It's so cold here! I used to be hot all the time. I wear a tank, then a tshirt, then a long sleeved sweater or something. And it doesn't look bulky or weird. I NEVER layered anything like that, it always made me look even worse than I already did.
I color my hair now. Boy I really deceived myself before that my hair was an unusual color. It was GRAY. No getting around it. Now it's brown. Kind of a reddish brown.
I dont' have to have anyone buckle me in my son's truck. Yes, I couldn't do it myself. And then when it was FINALLY snapped it was so tight I thought I was gonna die. Well not anymore. I do it myself and have plenty of room to spare. AND I just noticed this--the seat belt is slanted across my chest now, not my neck. It used to always go across my freaking neck and I had to always pull it down!!! How awful!
We were looking at old pics on facebook and up pops a family photo taken 2 summers ago. To put it kindly, I was a behemoth. I cannot believe how different I look now. I really deceived myself back then about a lot of things.
I look forward to each day with joy. I know I can eat what I like and still lose weight. No pills, no surgery, no expensive stupid program that somebody else decided was the ONLY way to lose weight. My daughter has a friend who had the surgery and lost all the weight and now she's gaining it back! She's gained 30 pounds so far. How awful! You go through all that and then get fat again! She never learned how to eat. This woman down the street can only have 1 cup of food per meal and no water for an hour after. I saw her in the grocery store and she had her lapband before I started losing and she has lost less than me!!!! I thought it would just MELT off of her but oh no, she was actually apologetic about how little she had lost. I felt so sorry for her. I wish I had little cards made up with my website on it that I could just hand it to people. People NEED to know you don't have to do weird things to lose weight just eat less! They have to be told that losing weight doesn't have to involve fat free foods and sugar substitutes and turkey bacon/burgers and chicken breasts!
How my world has changed since last May! OH I am a chaperone for my daughter's choir class when they go to World's of Fun (a big amusement park). I am actually going to be able to fit in the rides!!!!!! It has been so very many years since I did anything like this and I am so excited!
I took a pic of my daughter and I when we colored each other's hair and sent it to my sister. She did not know who I was! She said my arm looked so thin. And I looked at the pic and she's right! It doesn't even look like my arm! Oh and when I cross my toes I can kind of brush my middle toe with my big toe. Okay don't think I'm weird, my toes had gotten really fat and it was very difficult to cross them. I'm just excited that they are skinnier.
For some reason my right knee and my left foot hurts and I don't know why.
Tomorrow my hubby and I are doing our Valentine's Day thing. We're going to a HUGE antique/flea market store and then eating out for dinner. I thought about going to a movie but I don't even watch television. I don't know what movies are even out! It is going to be super fun because I will be able to walk around that place for several hours and it won't bother me! I won't be tired!
How wonderful it is that my weight does not control my life anymore! My size determined where I could sit, what I could eat in front of other people, what I could wear, how I felt about myself--everything. I enjoy the differences in my life so much, the little and the big. Like trying on my rings daily to see when certain ones will fit and seeing them move further and further down my finger. And how necklaces look good on me now, they used to look just plain stupid and too small. I sit in booths and there's so much space between me and the table now contrasting to when I would be jammed in and my HUGE breasts would be WAYYYY over the table. Awful.
Oh and people who know me talk to me about their weight and how hard it is to lose and make excuses. To me! I tell them what I do but I swear it goes right over their heads. What is it about the words 'Just Eat Less' that shuts people down?
You know someday I'm gonna be in People Magazine with a bunch of other 'People who lost weight without pills or surgery!' I love that I belong to this cool club.
I haven't talked to my friend down the street for a bit--the one I used to walk with, the real negative one?--and she called and we chatted today and she FREAKED when I told her I'd lost 80 pounds. She just could NOT believe it. I said please don't be weird around me because I've lost all this weight. She said she wouldn't but time will tell. I know I have always been weird about friends/family losing weight because it really showed up how much I weighed and I felt so helpless to lose it and it all just made me feel more guilty so I wouldn't even go around them.
I want to encourage anyone reading this to forget what everybody else does to lose weight, what they eat, how they exercise. What do YOU like? What foods do you eat every single day? Don't change a thing except for how much. Start weighing and measuring and portioning your food. Eat several times a day, not just 3 times with a snack. Don't let yourself get hungry or you'll overeat. Do you like to swim? Or ride bikes? Walking is perfect for anyone. That is what is wonderful about Sean's way to lose weight (http://losingweighteveryday.blogspot.com/). You tailor it to fit your own life. You don't have somebody else telling you what you can and can't eat.
I'm attempting to make meatballs tonight for supper. I have not had much success making meatballs in the past. Cross your fingers that they turn out well! (Or your toes)
Good luck in all you do my fellow weight loss superheroes. And never give up, ever!

The Incredible Shrinking Woman

She's Home

It's the Little Things, Stuff I Wish, and No More Scale!

The Day After

Day before Thanksgiving

The Beginning of the week from hell

I have no fascinating title for this post

Blah

Lovely day with hubby!

Day of Surprises

Well, it's starting again.

Good Day Eating, Tough Day in my Heart

Teenager Teenagers I'm Gonna Lose My Mind and I'm a Winner!

Cool New Saying

For some reason this was a long long day

Why did I have so many children? and kind of a sad, discouraged day

Learning to Deal with Wanting More

It's Raining a Whole Lot!

I Love Food

Weigh Day and BP checkup results are in!

Sometimes I Think We Know Too Much

I Love Fall Because I Hate Sweating

I Have Been Fat How Long? Good Gravy!

November already? No way! Christmas is next month? No way!

Halloween has Come and Gone

Busy Sunday, No Nap for Me!

Day Two of Being 'Back' Memories and What I Ate Today and I Lost 4 Pounds!

Blog now Malware Free!

The Mopey Saturday Edition

It's actually not a Good Friday after all

It's a Good Friday

Another Day in the Life

**Weigh Day Update** and reader email question and answer!

Yesterday Framed in Today

'The Better I Get the Grumpier I Am' List of Irritants

I Think I Just Might Live

It's the Friday Edition with Much Griping and Complaining and Gnashing of Teeth

The Year of Being Sick and More of my Blatherings

Calm before the storm

And so it begins

It Ain't Over Til It's Over and a tiny list

Tuesday. I think I've lost the creative part of my brain that makes cool titles.

Labor Day Stuff

Yesterday

Wherein I muse at length about nothing

I'm Back Baby!

Day 366--A Most Righteous Anniversary Post--I Want to Tell You About Me

Day 352--It's been a month since I've posted?! It's a good thing I have pictures.

Day 346--I reweighed myself, Bethany is sick. Zaababy's Quick Start Weight Loss Guide!

Day 344--My first weight gain. I KNOW!!!! Blood pressure woes. I have over 100 followers!

Day 327--Promised Pics--before and after, and my new bike courtesy of Jack Sh*t's contest! Oh, and weigh day.

Day 323--I am sick, Was it worth it, and a poem. Yes, we're fancy shmancy today

Day 321--Sick aGAIN, weigh day, and all kinds of little goodies

Day 315--Pleasant Surprise and Shopping can be fun! and Reader Question of the Week

Day 309--This is One Long List but you'll love it. I promise.

Day 307--Weigh Day, I'm loving this, and Zaababy is an inspiration? Peeeeshaw!!!!

Lunch

Snack

Dinner

Lunch

Snack

Dinner

Day 302--a quickie, but everyone likes a quickie now and then

Day 301--How did I miss posting on day 300!! a most triumphant list and choosing to NOT buy Cadbury mini eggs

Day 293--Has Zaa ever Goofed Up? The Truth and More in this edition

Day 289--Nine month anniversary and a bunch of firsts

Day 282--Weigh Day and Much Aimless Ramblings

Weigh Day Update and reader email question and answer!